The Benefits of Not Being a Jerk to Yourself | Dan Harris | TED

翻译人员: Yip Yan Yeung 校对人员: Grace Man

A few years ago, I signed up for something called a 360 review.

几年前，我报名参加了 一场“360 度评估”。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

If you've ever worked in the corporate world,

如果你在业界工作过，

you probably have heard of this diabolical exercise.

就应该听说过这种变态活动。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

It’s an anonymous survey with your bosses, peers and direct reports,

这是一种让你的老板、同事和 直属上司参与的匿名调查问卷，

and the idea is to get a panoramic sense of your strengths and weaknesses.

为了全面了解你的强项和弱项。

I opted for the colonoscopy version of a 360 review.

我报名的是 360 度评估的 “肠镜”版本。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Which included my wife, my brother and two of my meditation teachers.

包括了我的太太、兄弟 和两个冥想老师。

In all, 16 people gave hour-long confidential interviews,

总计 16 人参与了为期 一小时的保密采访，

and I was then handed a 39-page report brimming with blind quotes.

然后我收到了一份 39 页长的 报告，充满了匿名留言。

I can tell you're looking forward to hearing the results.

我看得出你们很想听听结果。

Sadists.

真是抖s。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But I'm going to make you wait a second,

但是你们得等一会儿，

because I should give you a little background on me.

因为我要稍微介绍一下我自己。

I used to be an anchorman.

我以前是一名主持人。

I worked at ABC News for 21 years.

我在 ABC 新闻工作了 21 年。

It was a very stressful job.

压力非常大。

In fact, I had a panic attack live on the air in 2004

2004 年，我在直播时 急性焦虑症发作，

while delivering some otherwise mundane headlines.

当时我正在播报一些日常新闻。

The good news is that my nationally televised freakout

好消息是这次 全国直播的惊恐表现

ultimately led me to meditation,

最终把我指引上了冥想之路，

which I had actually long rejected as ridiculous.

此前我一直认为 冥想太离谱了。

I was raised by a pair of atheist scientists.

我的父母都是无神论者。

I'm a fidgety, skeptical guy.

我是一个焦躁多疑的人。

And that kind of led me to unfairly lump meditation

所以我一直带有偏见地认为冥想

in with aura readings, vision boards and dolphin healing.

就是气场解读、愿景板、 海豚治疗之类的东西。

But the practice really helped me with my anxiety and depression.

但是冥想确实帮助我 缓解了焦虑和抑郁。

And so my goal became to make meditation attractive

因此，我的目标变成了

让我的多疑同伴们 都对冥想产生兴趣，

to my fellow skeptics

by ditching the New Age cliches and liberally using the f-word.

从不再使用流行语 和“*你妈”开始。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

To my great surprise, this unorthodox approach

令我惊奇的是， 这种非主流的方法

turned me into a quasi self-help guru.

让我成为了一个准自救大师。

And a few years into this trip, I decided that I wanted to get a sense

冥想了几年以后， 我决定要搞明白

of whether my inner work was having outer results, you know?

我的内在改变有没有 产生什么外在成果。

Was meditation making me a nicer person?

冥想有没有 让我变成一个更好的人？

And that's why I signed up for the 360.

所以我报名参加了 360 度评估。

And now I will tell you about the results.

我现在可以告诉你们结果了。

The first 13 pages were dedicated to my sterling qualities.

前 13 页赞美了我的优秀品质。

People talked about how hardworking and intelligent I was.

人们说我很努力，很聪明。

Many also said meditation had made me more caring.

也有很多人说冥想 让我更善解人意了。

But then came 26 pages of beatdown.

紧接着就是 26 页的泼冷水。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

The first blow was that some reviewers noted

第一击就是有的反馈者说

that I had a penchant for being rude to junior staffers,

我总是对初级职员很粗暴，

which was deeply embarrassing.

我觉得太丢人了。

But it only got worse.

但是剩下的更不堪入目。

I was called emotionally guarded, a diva and an authoritarian.

有人说我防备心重、 性情暴戾、独裁主义。

(Quiet laughter)

（小声笑声）

I don't know why that's funny.

有啥好笑的。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Some people even questioned my motives for promoting meditation.

甚至有些人质疑我 推广冥想的动机。

It got so bad that at one point my wife, who was reading it with me,

铺天盖地的质疑让我太太 在和我一起看这些评论的时候，

got up and went to the bathroom and cried.

起身走去洗手间哭泣。

I think for me the most painful part

对我来说最痛苦的一点是

was realizing that the aspects of my personality

我最为之羞耻、最想隐藏的

that I was most ashamed of and had really tried to hide

一部分性格特质

were in fact on full display for everybody.

其实对所有人昭然若揭。

And those included my two most prominent and problematic demons:

包括我性格中最显著、 最恶劣的两个恶魔：

anger and self-centeredness.

愤怒和以自我为中心。

(Clears throat)

（清嗓子）

Sorry. I've never talked about this publicly before.

不好意思，我之前从没 在大庭广众下说过这个。

(Applause)

（掌声）

Thank you.

谢谢。

I thought we weren't supposed to applaud authoritarians here at TED.

我还以为 TED 的观众 不会给独裁者鼓掌呢。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Bottom line, meditation had helped, for sure,

至少有一点， 冥想确实有作用，

but I clearly retained the capacity to be a schmuck,

我这么说绝对不代表我是个傻子，

and I am not alone in this.

我也不是唯一一个 有这种感觉的人。

All kinds of bad behavior have been on the rise.

各种恶习都在消失。

Reckless driving,

乱开车、

unruly airline passengers, violent crime,

暴躁的乘机旅客、暴力犯罪、

online bullying, workplace incivility,

网暴、职场不文明行为、

tribal antagonism, even general self-centeredness.

族群敌对， 甚至是常见的自我中心。

At times, it can really feel like our social fabric is unraveling.

有时我们真的可以感觉到 社会关系正在缓和。

So after my 360, I decided to do some work on myself

在我的 360 度评估之后， 我决定改变自己，

and to see if I could also learn some things

看看能不能通过学习一些东西

that, by extension, might help the species.

惠及全人类。

I pulled every lever at my disposal.

我竭尽所能大展拳脚，

I did psychotherapy, communications coaching, bias training,

从事了心理治疗、 交流指导、偏见训练、

couples counseling and more.

婚姻调解等等工作。

And while I was really grateful to be able to do all of this stuff

虽然我非常感激 可以做这些工作，

and all of it helped,

这些工作也确实让人们受益，

I was still finding myself too often getting selfish or snippy.

但是我还是感觉自己 总是会很自私或者暴躁。

So I signed up for a nine-day silent retreat

所以我报名参加了一个 为期 9 日的静修营，

where I would practice a kind of meditation

于此我操练了一种冥想方式，

that has been shown to boost your capacity for warmth.

可以增强你内心的温暖，

It’s called “loving-kindness,” which, as you might imagine,

名为“慈爱”，你可以想象出

sounded to me like Valentine's Day with a gun to my head.

对我来说，听起来就像 在情人节拿枪指着我的脑袋。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But I was in it to win it. I really wanted to be a nicer person.

但是我势在必行。 我真的想成为一个更好的人。

I kept getting tripped up though,

虽然一路磕磕绊绊，

because the woman who was running the retreat, my teacher,

因为静修营的营长，我的老师

her name is Spring Washam,

斯普林·瓦沙姆（Spring Washam）

she kept insisting that if I wanted to be less of a jerk to other people,

坚持说，如果我想 在其他人眼里显得不那么混蛋，

I needed to start by being less of a jerk to myself,

我就先得不那么混蛋地对自己，

which I thought was the kind of thing you hear

我觉得这就是

from Instagram influencers and spin instructors, so --

网红和健身教练会和你说的话， 所以……

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And she even went so far as to suggest

她甚至还和我建议

that when I saw my demons emerging in meditation,

如果在冥想过程中看到了恶魔，

I should put my hand on my heart and say to myself,

我该把手放在胸口，对自己说：

"It's OK, sweetie. I'm here for you."

“没事的，宝宝。我会陪着你。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Hard pass.

没门儿。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Pasadena. I was not going to do that.

绝对不行。我才不要这么做。

But over the ensuing days of nonstop meditation,

但是在接下来几天 不间断的冥想中，

I did notice that my twin demons were in full effect.

我确实发现我的两个恶魔 在上蹿下跳。

My anger had me rehearsing glorious, expletive-filled speeches

我的愤怒让我 用华丽又脏话连篇的辞藻

I would deliver to my boss about the various promotions I deserved.

向我的老板要求应得的晋升。

My self-centeredness had me writing my own five-star Amazon reviews

我的自我中心使我为自己写的书

for my various books,

在亚马逊网站留下五星好评，

praising my elegant prose and rugged good looks.

赞美我的优美行文和 豪放文风。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And in the face of all of this roostering and rage,

这种自吹自擂和暴躁易怒的行为

I layered on an avalanche of self-criticism.

引发了我自我批评的狂潮。

I told myself a whole story

我给自己展现了

about how I was an incurably self-obsessed, cranky monster

我是一个多么 无可救药的暴躁自恋狂，

who had cloven hooves and a retractable jaw.

和面目狰狞的恶魔一样。

After about five or six days of drinking from this fire hose, I caved.

接受了五六天的疯狂灌输后， 我妥协了。

Mid-meditation, I put my hand on my heart,

冥想中途，我把手放在胸口，

and while I definitely was not going to call myself "sweetie,"

我肯定不会叫自己“宝宝”，

I did silently say to myself,

但是我悄悄地对自己说：

"It's all good, dude, I know this sucks, but I've got you."

“没问题的，兄弟。我知道 感觉不太好，但是我会支持你。”

This was very strange and embarrassing, but in this moment, I had an epiphany.

这太奇怪，太羞耻了， 但是此时此刻，我悟了。

I realized that my demons were actually

我发现我的恶魔其实是

just ancient, fear-based neurotic programs,

从小由恐惧而起的“神经病”，

probably injected into me by the culture, by my parents.

也许是文化、父母灌输给我的。

And they were trying to help me.

这些恶魔是想帮我。

It was the organism trying to protect itself.

它们有自卫机制。

And when I stopped fighting them, they calmed down for a few seconds.

如果我放弃反抗它们了， 它们就会消停一会儿。

I didn't have to slay them.

我不需要征服它们。

I just had to give them a high five.

我只需要勇敢接受它们。

And this counterintuitive extension of warmth

我发现这种生长出来的 违反直觉的温暖的感觉

was not, I realized, it was not indulgent.

并不是肆意蔓延的。

It was radical disarmament.

这是一种让人彻底 卸下防备的方式。

Here's the way I think about this.

我是这么想的。

At any given moment, we humans have two choices

在某个特定的时刻， 我们人类面前有两个选择，

or two spirals that are available to us.

或者说是两种旋涡。

The first is what my friend Evelyn Tribole calls the toilet vortex.

第一种，我的朋友伊芙琳·特里波 （Evelyn Tribole）称之为“马桶旋涡”。

The reason why this looks childish and ridiculous is that I drew it myself.

这张图看起来有点幼稚搞笑 是因为这是我自己画的。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

It's OK, sweetie. You're good at so many other things.

没事的，宝宝。 你还擅长做很多别的事。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

(Applause)

（掌声）

I probably shouldn't make fun of the thing I'm going to try to get you to do, but ...

我不应该调侃 我想让你们做的事，但是……

The toilet vortex might start like this.

马桶旋涡开始会是这样。

You're picking on yourself because you don't like the way you look in the mirror.

你会对自己挑三拣四， 因为你不喜欢镜中的自己。

You're unhappy with your level of productivity

你对自己的生产力不满意，

or you have failed to achieve ketosis, whatever.

你没达成生酮减肥目标等等。

And then you take that out on other people

然后再加之于他人，

and then you are feeling more miserable,

就会感觉更糟糕，

and then down you go.

于是进入了旋涡。

The vastly superior alternative is what I call the cheesy upward spiral.

有一个好得多的情况， 我称之为“油腻”上升旋涡。

This one was drawn by a professional.

这张可是由专业人士绘制的。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

As your inner weather gets balmier,

你的内心感到更加平和之时，

because you've learned how to high-five your demons,

这是由于你学会了如何 接受你的恶魔，

that shows up in your relationships with other people.

也会体现在与他人的关系之中。

And because relationships are probably the most important variable

人际关系可以说是事关人类繁荣的

when it comes to human flourishing,

最重要的变量，

your inner weather improves even further

你的内心大大改善了关系，

and up you go.

然后你就腾飞了。

And that is the whole point here.

这就是我要说的重点。

Self-love, properly understood, not as narcissism,

自尊自爱，对自己有良好认知， 而非自恋，

but as having your own back,

支持你自己，

is not selfish.

并不代表自私。

It makes you better at loving other people.

你就会更善于关爱他人。

And the flip side of this was on full display in my 360.

我的 360 度评估展示的是 完全就是反例。

All the ways in which I was torturing myself

我折磨自己的种种行为

showed up in my relationships with other people.

产生的恶果 体现在了我的人际关系上。

And as those relationships suffered, so did I.

这些人很痛苦，我也很痛苦。

Taken together, my two excellent drawings

总而言之，我的两幅杰作

represent a kind of amateur unified field theory of love.

展示了我粗浅的 关于爱的集大成理论，

I call it “Me, A Love Story.”

我称之为“我，爱的故事”。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

That's a deliberately ridiculous name,

我故意起了这么一个 好笑的名字，

but I am actually pretty serious about using the word "love."

但是我可是正儿八经地 在用“爱”这个词。

Granted, it's a confusing term because we use it to apply to everything

诚然，这个词有点含糊不清， 因为我们把什么都叫做“爱”，

from our spouses to our children to gluten-free snickerdoodles.

我们的配偶、孩子、无麸质曲奇。

But I am comfortable embracing the broadness of the term.

但是我很能接受这个词的广泛含义。

I consider love to be anything that falls within the human capacity to care,

我认为爱就是任何在 人类关爱能力范围之内的东西，

a capacity wired deeply into us via evolution.

这种能力自古以来深入骨髓。

It's our ability to care, cooperate and communicate

我们关爱、合作、交流的能力，

that has allowed Homo sapiens to thrive.

让我们人类生生不息。

And it is a failure to exercise that muscle,

我认为没有利用这些能力，

it is a lack of love that I think is at the root of our most pressing problems,

缺乏爱，才是一些 迫在眉睫的问题的根源，

from inequality to violence to the climate crisis.

无论是不平等、暴力， 还是气候危机。

Obviously, these are all massive problems

显然，这些大规模的问题

that are going to require massive structural change,

必须要有大规模的制度改变，

but at a baseline they also require us to care about one another.

但是至少，它们促使 我们互相关爱。

And it is harder to do that

如果你深陷

when you're stuck in a ceaseless spiral of self-centered self-flagellation.

自我中心、自我折磨的无限漩涡中， 就更难做到这点。

(Applause)

（掌声）

Thank you.

谢谢。

So I guess what I'm trying to say here

所以我想说的一点是

is there's a geopolitical case for you to get your shit together.

你得支棱起来， 不然你还会“祸及”世界。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And the massively empowering news

一个振奋人心的好消息是

is that love is not an unalterable factory setting.

爱并不是一个 无法调节的硬性设定。

It is a skill that you can train.

你可以锻炼爱的能力。

It's actually a family of skills.

爱包括了很多能力。

After my 360, I learned a whole bunch of practices for upping my love game,

在 360 度评估之后，我学习了 很多方式，提高爱的能力，

and I'm going to share two with you right now

我现在可以给你们分享其中两个，

that I think would be very easy to integrate into your life.

非常适用于你的生活。

The first is to boot up a practice of loving-kindness meditation.

第一，尝试慈爱冥想。

I should say that it does not require you

你不一定要

to subscribe to some fancy metaphysical program,

报名参加一些 花里胡哨的玄学活动，

and it shouldn't take up too much time.

也不会花很多的时间。

Maybe a few minutes a couple of times a week to start.

也许从每周多次几分钟开始。

The instructions are really simple. Find a reasonably quiet place.

规则很简单。 找一个安静的地方。

Assume a comfortable position,

找一个安静的姿势，

close your eyes and begin by envisioning a really easy person.

闭上眼睛， 想象一个和你关系不错的人。

Maybe a good friend, maybe a pet.

可以是你的朋友，你的宠物。

And then you repeat in your mind four phrases:

然后在脑海中重复这四个词组：

"May you be happy, may you be safe, may you be healthy,

“愿你快乐，愿你安全， 愿你健康，

may you live with ease."

愿你自在。”

After you've generated a little warmth,

在产生了一些温暖之后，

you do a bait-and-switch and move onto yourself.

你可以把目光转向你自己。

Once again, you conjure the image and send the phrases.

再来一次， 想象画面，默念词组。

After that, it's on to a mentor, somebody who's helped you in your life.

然后想象一个导师， 在你的人生中给予你帮助的人。

Then a neutral person, somebody you might overlook.

然后是一个无关痛痒的人， 可能你会忽视的人。

Then a difficult person, probably not hard to find.

然后是一个讨厌的人， 应该不难找。

And then we finish with all beings everywhere.

然后我们就着眼全人类了。

To some of you, this may seem forced and treacly,

也许对一些人来说， 这太强迫了，还有点恶心，

but it's worth noting that the research shows

但是值得注意的是， 研究表明

that this practice has physiological, psychological

这个过程会产生 生理上、心理上，

and even behavioral benefits.

甚至是行为上的益处。

The other practice I'm going to recommend

我还想推荐另一个方式，

is to start consciously counterprogramming against your inner critic.

就是有意识地抑制你对自己的吐槽。

Next time you notice yourself going down the toilet,

下次你去洗手间的时候，

if nobody's looking, put your hand on your heart

如果四下无人， 你就可以把手放在胸口，

and talk to yourself the way you would talk to a good friend.

像和一个好朋友说话一样 自言自语。

For ambitious people, this may be a little scary.

对“硬汉”性格的人来说， 这可能有点吓人。

You might fear it's going to erode your edge.

你可能会觉得这太没面子了。

But research shows that this process of replacing your sadistic inner tyrant

但是研究表明，这个过程—— 抛弃骂骂咧咧的事儿精，

with a supportive inner coach, who has high standards

选择支持你的教练， 它可能会高标准，

but is not a jerk about it,

但绝不是个混蛋，

makes you more likely to reach your goals.

会让你更有可能达成目标。

Now, I will cop to the fact

我想说一个情况，

that even though I've now retired from my job as a news man

虽然我作为一个新闻人已经退休了，

and am a full-time meditation evangelist,

现在是一个全职的冥想推广人，

I still go down the toilet on the regular.

我还是会时不时陷入马桶旋涡。

But I'm much more likely to access the upward spiral these days.

但是最近，我进入 上升旋涡的频率增加了。

In fact, three years after my 360, I got another one, because I never learn.

在我参加 360 度评估的三年后， 我又参加了一次，因为我不长记性。

And this one was way different.

这次就截然不同了。

People gushed about how much I had changed as a friend and a mentor and a colleague.

人们纷纷表示我作为朋友、导师、 同事，改变得太多了。

They talked about specific meetings

他们还提到了一些会议，

where I used to be a prosecutor and was now delightful.

以前我会是咄咄逼人的“检察官”， 而现在让人愉悦。

One person said, “His ego is shrinking,” which I think was a compliment.

一个人说道：“他的自负减少了。” 我觉得是在夸我。

And another person said, “He’s finding his heart,”

还有一个人说： “他找到了心之所向。”

which the new me let pass.

洗心革面的我就不追究这句了。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

After she finished reading, my wife turned to me and said,

我的太太看完之后和我说：

"Congratulations, now you're boring."

“恭喜你成为了一个无聊的人。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I'm hoping that was a joke because in my opinion,

但愿这只是玩笑话， 因为我认为

upping your love game is anything but boring.

提高爱的能力 绝对不是无聊的。

It’s countercultural because it cuts against the never-enoughness

这与我们的文化相反， 因为它与社会想让我们学会的

and always-behindness that society seems to want us to feel.

贪得无厌和畏畏缩缩背道而驰。

It’s courageous because it’s hard to look at your demons.

这需要很大的勇气， 因为直视恶魔不是一件易事。

And it’s happiness-producing because when you high-five your demons,

这会让你心生愉悦， 因为当你接受恶魔的时候，

they don't own you as much.

它们就会少占据一点你的身体。

And all of that makes you more generous and more available.

这些都能让你胸怀 更宽广、更开放。

If that sounds grandiose or touchy-feely to you,

如果你觉得听起来太宏大， 或者有点矫揉造作，

let me put it to you another way.

我也可以这么说。

The view is so much better when you pull your head out of your ass.

如果你不叽叽歪歪， 赶紧支棱起来，世界会更美好。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Thank you very much.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）