The Benefits of Not Being a Jerk to Yourself | Dan Harris | TED

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Shelley Tsang 曾雯海

A few years ago, I signed up for something called a 360 review.

幾年前，我報名參加了一個 叫三百六十度評量的活動。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

If you've ever worked in the corporate world,

如果你在企業界工作過， 你可能聽過這種殘忍的運動。

you probably have heard of this diabolical exercise.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

It’s an anonymous survey with your bosses, peers and direct reports,

它是針對你的老闆、同儕、 下屬進行匿名調查，

目的在全面性地了解 你的長處和缺點。

and the idea is to get a panoramic sense of your strengths and weaknesses.

I opted for the colonoscopy version of a 360 review.

我選擇了三百六十度 評量的大腸鏡版本。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Which included my wife, my brother and two of my meditation teachers.

這版還納入了我的太太、 兄弟，和兩位冥想老師。

In all, 16 people gave hour-long confidential interviews,

總共十六個人做了 一小時的保密訪談，

and I was then handed a 39-page report brimming with blind quotes.

接著交給我一份三十九頁的報告，

滿滿都是蒙眼引述。

I can tell you're looking forward to hearing the results.

看得出來大家很想聽結果。

Sadists.

虐待狂。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But I'm going to make you wait a second,

但我要讓大家等一下，因為……

because I should give you a little background on me.

我應該先讓大家知道一點我的背景。

I used to be an anchorman.

我以前是主播。

I worked at ABC News for 21 years.

我在 ABC News 工作了二十一年。

It was a very stressful job.

那份工作壓力很大。

In fact, I had a panic attack live on the air in 2004

事實上，2004 年 我在現場轉播時恐慌發作，

while delivering some otherwise mundane headlines.

當時在播報本來很平凡乏味的頭條。

The good news is that my nationally televised freakout

好消息是，我被播放到全國的 驚恐表現最終引導我去冥想，

ultimately led me to meditation,

which I had actually long rejected as ridiculous.

之前很長一段時間我都 排拒冥想，覺得很荒謬。

I was raised by a pair of atheist scientists.

養育我長大的是一對 無神論的科學家。

I'm a fidgety, skeptical guy.

我是坐立不安且多疑的人。

And that kind of led me to unfairly lump meditation

那導致我很不公平地把冥想和

in with aura readings, vision boards and dolphin healing.

和氣場解讀、願景板， 及海豚療癒歸為同一類。

But the practice really helped me with my anxiety and depression.

但練習冥想真的協助我 改善了焦慮和憂鬱。

And so my goal became to make meditation attractive

於是我的目標變成要讓冥想 吸引我的懷疑論者夥伴們，

to my fellow skeptics

by ditching the New Age cliches and liberally using the f-word.

做法是丟棄新世紀陳腔濫調 和大方運用的髒話。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

To my great surprise, this unorthodox approach

讓我很驚訝的是，這種非正統的方式

turned me into a quasi self-help guru.

讓我成為類自助導師。

And a few years into this trip, I decided that I wanted to get a sense

踏上這段旅程幾年後，我想要知道

of whether my inner work was having outer results, you know?

我內在的進修是否有外在的成果？

Was meditation making me a nicer person?

冥想有讓我成為更好的人嗎？

And that's why I signed up for the 360.

所以我報名參加了三百六十度評量。

And now I will tell you about the results.

現在可以告訴大家評量結果了。

The first 13 pages were dedicated to my sterling qualities.

前十三頁都在講我優秀的特質。

People talked about how hardworking and intelligent I was.

別人談到我有多努力和聰明。

Many also said meditation had made me more caring.

許多人也說冥想讓我變得更有愛心。

But then came 26 pages of beatdown.

但接下來是二十六頁的無情打擊。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

The first blow was that some reviewers noted

第一擊是

有些評量者指出我很常 無禮對待菜鳥職員，

that I had a penchant for being rude to junior staffers,

which was deeply embarrassing.

這真的很丟臉。

But it only got worse.

但後面更慘，我被稱為 情緒上的防衛心很重、

I was called emotionally guarded, a diva and an authoritarian.

是個女主唱，和獨裁主義者。

(Quiet laughter)

（安靜的笑聲）

I don't know why that's funny.

我不知道那有什麼好笑的。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Some people even questioned my motives for promoting meditation.

有人甚至質疑我提倡冥想的動機。

It got so bad that at one point my wife, who was reading it with me,

內容糟到有一次，我太太 和我一起閱讀到一半，

got up and went to the bathroom and cried.

就起身跑到浴室去哭。

I think for me the most painful part

我想，我覺得最痛苦的部分 是了解到我人格各面向中

was realizing that the aspects of my personality

that I was most ashamed of and had really tried to hide

讓我最感到羞恥， 且下功夫去隱藏的那些，

were in fact on full display for everybody.

其實都完全呈現在所有人眼前。

And those included my two most prominent and problematic demons:

那包括我最顯著且麻煩的兩個惡魔：

anger and self-centeredness.

憤怒和自我中心。

(Clears throat)

（清喉嚨）

Sorry. I've never talked about this publicly before.

抱歉，我從來沒有公開談過這些。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

Thank you.

謝謝。

I thought we weren't supposed to applaud authoritarians here at TED.

我以為在 TED 大家 不應該為獨裁主義者拍手。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Bottom line, meditation had helped, for sure,

最重要的是，冥想……

肯定有幫助，但我顯然 保留了當笨蛋的能力，

but I clearly retained the capacity to be a schmuck,

and I am not alone in this.

且我並不孤單。

All kinds of bad behavior have been on the rise.

各種不好的行為都越來越盛行。

Reckless driving,

魯莽駕駛、航空澳客、暴力犯罪、

unruly airline passengers, violent crime,

online bullying, workplace incivility,

線上霸凌、

工作場所非禮、種族對立， 甚至普遍的自我中心。

tribal antagonism, even general self-centeredness.

At times, it can really feel like our social fabric is unraveling.

有時，感覺真的好像 我們的社會結構正在瓦解。

So after my 360, I decided to do some work on myself

三百六十度評量後， 我決定自己下點功夫，

and to see if I could also learn some things

看看我能否學點東西， 進一步去幫助全人類。

that, by extension, might help the species.

I pulled every lever at my disposal.

我用上了我能用的所有 辦法，包括心理治療、

I did psychotherapy, communications coaching, bias training,

溝通指導、偏見訓練、

couples counseling and more.

夫妻諮詢等等。

And while I was really grateful to be able to do all of this stuff

雖然我很感激我能做這一切， 且它們通通都有助益，

and all of it helped,

I was still finding myself too often getting selfish or snippy.

但我仍然會發現我自己 太常變自私或傲慢。

So I signed up for a nine-day silent retreat

所以我報名參加九天的靜心避靜，

where I would practice a kind of meditation

在那裡，我要練習的那種冥想 已知可以提升你的溫暖能量。

that has been shown to boost your capacity for warmth.

It’s called “loving-kindness,” which, as you might imagine,

它叫做「慈心」，

各位可以想像，我覺得那聽起來 就像有槍指著我腦袋的情人節。

sounded to me like Valentine's Day with a gun to my head.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But I was in it to win it. I really wanted to be a nicer person.

但為了成功我決定嘗試， 我真的很想變成更好的人。

I kept getting tripped up though,

不過我一直出錯，因為

because the woman who was running the retreat, my teacher,

主持靜心避靜的女子， 我的老師，史普琳‧瓦辛姆，

her name is Spring Washam,

she kept insisting that if I wanted to be less of a jerk to other people,

她一直堅持如果我不想要

讓別人覺得我這麼渾蛋，就得 別讓我自己覺得我這麼渾蛋，

I needed to start by being less of a jerk to myself,

which I thought was the kind of thing you hear

我覺得通常會說這種話的 會是 IG 網紅和飛輪教練，

from Instagram influencers and spin instructors, so --

所以——

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And she even went so far as to suggest

她甚至還做到建議

that when I saw my demons emerging in meditation,

當我在冥想時若看見我的惡魔出現，

I should put my hand on my heart and say to myself,

我應該要把手放在心口，對自己說：

"It's OK, sweetie. I'm here for you."

「沒關係的，甜心，有我在。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Hard pass.

不了，我肯定。

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

Pasadena. I was not going to do that.

不要，我不會那麼做。

But over the ensuing days of nonstop meditation,

但在接下來數日不停的冥想中，

I did notice that my twin demons were in full effect.

我確實注意到我的惡魔 雙胞胎是影響力全開。

My anger had me rehearsing glorious, expletive-filled speeches

我的憤怒讓我排練起 壯麗又充滿咒罵語的演說，

I would deliver to my boss about the various promotions I deserved.

準備在我跟老闆談 我應得的升遷時講出來。

My self-centeredness had me writing my own five-star Amazon reviews

我的自我中心則讓我為我的書 在亞馬遜上撰寫五星評論，

for my various books,

讚美我優雅的散文 和粗礦帥氣的外表。

praising my elegant prose and rugged good looks.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And in the face of all of this roostering and rage,

在面對所有這些狂妄自負和怒火時，

I layered on an avalanche of self-criticism.

我疊加上了大量的自我批判。

I told myself a whole story

我把事實都告訴了自己， 說我是多麼無可救藥的

about how I was an incurably self-obsessed, cranky monster

自戀又壞脾氣的怪物，

who had cloven hooves and a retractable jaw.

有分趾蹄（惡魔的特徵） 和可收回的下顎。

After about five or six days of drinking from this fire hose, I caved.

經過五、六天讓人 難以招架的體驗之後，

我屈服了。

Mid-meditation, I put my hand on my heart,

冥想過程中，我把我的手放在心口，

and while I definitely was not going to call myself "sweetie,"

雖然我絕對不會叫我自己「甜心」，

I did silently say to myself,

但我確實默默告訴我自己：

"It's all good, dude, I know this sucks, but I've got you."

「沒事的，老兄，我知道 這很鳥，但有我罩你。」

This was very strange and embarrassing, but in this moment, I had an epiphany.

說來很奇怪也很丟臉，

但此刻，我有了頓悟。

I realized that my demons were actually

我發現我的惡魔

just ancient, fear-based neurotic programs,

其實只是以恐懼 為基礎的古老神經程式，

probably injected into me by the culture, by my parents.

可能是由文化、 由我父母植入我體內。

And they were trying to help me.

這些惡魔在試圖協助我。

It was the organism trying to protect itself.

是有機體本來在試圖保護自己。

And when I stopped fighting them, they calmed down for a few seconds.

當我停止對抗它們， 它們也靜下來了幾秒鐘。

I didn't have to slay them.

我不必斬殺它們。

I just had to give them a high five.

我只需要跟它們擊掌。

And this counterintuitive extension of warmth

我發現，溫暖會這樣延伸， 雖然很違反直覺，

was not, I realized, it was not indulgent.

但並不是放縱，而是 從根本上解除武裝。

It was radical disarmament.

Here's the way I think about this.

我的想法如下：任何時候， 人類都有兩個選擇

At any given moment, we humans have two choices

我們可以選擇兩個螺旋。

or two spirals that are available to us.

The first is what my friend Evelyn Tribole calls the toilet vortex.

第一個螺旋，我朋友艾芙琳‧ 崔伯雷稱之為馬桶旋渦。

The reason why this looks childish and ridiculous is that I drew it myself.

這張圖看來很幼稚且可笑 是因為它是我自己畫的。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

It's OK, sweetie. You're good at so many other things.

沒關係的，甜心， 你還有很多其他專長。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

(Applause)

（掌聲）

I probably shouldn't make fun of the thing I'm going to try to get you to do, but ...

這是我想讓大家去做的事， 可能不該開它的玩笑，但……

The toilet vortex might start like this.

馬桶旋渦是這樣開始的：

You're picking on yourself because you don't like the way you look in the mirror.

你挑剔自己，因為 你不喜歡鏡中的自己。

你對你的生產力不滿， 或你沒做到生酮飲食之類的。

You're unhappy with your level of productivity

or you have failed to achieve ketosis, whatever.

然後，你拿別人出氣。

And then you take that out on other people

and then you are feeling more miserable,

接著，你感覺更可悲，向下沉。

and then down you go.

The vastly superior alternative is what I call the cheesy upward spiral.

另一個好很多的選擇，

被我稱為類乾酪向上螺旋。

This one was drawn by a professional.

這張圖是專業的人畫的。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

As your inner weather gets balmier,

當你內在的天氣變得更溫暖愜意，

because you've learned how to high-five your demons,

因為你學會和你的惡魔擊掌，

that shows up in your relationships with other people.

那也會呈現在你和他人的關係中。

And because relationships are probably the most important variable

因為，人類過得圓滿最重要的 變數就可能就是關係，

when it comes to human flourishing,

your inner weather improves even further

你的內在天氣更進一步改善，

and up you go.

並向上爬。

那就是這裡的重點：自愛，

And that is the whole point here.

Self-love, properly understood, not as narcissism,

要弄對意思，它指的 不是自戀而是自己罩自己，

but as having your own back,

is not selfish.

它並不代表自私。

It makes you better at loving other people.

它會讓你更擅長去愛他人。

其另一面在我的三百六十度 評量中完整展現。

And the flip side of this was on full display in my 360.

All the ways in which I was torturing myself

我折磨我自己的所有方式，

showed up in my relationships with other people.

呈現在我和他人的關係當中。

And as those relationships suffered, so did I.

那些關係變糟時，我也不好受。

Taken together, my two excellent drawings

把我這兩張出色的 手繪圖放在一起看，

represent a kind of amateur unified field theory of love.

代表的是一種業餘的愛情統一場論。

I call it “Me, A Love Story.”

我稱之為「我，一個愛的故事。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

That's a deliberately ridiculous name,

這是個刻意耍荒謬的名稱，但

but I am actually pretty serious about using the word "love."

我用「愛」這個字是很認真的。

Granted, it's a confusing term because we use it to apply to everything

是，這個詞很讓人困惑， 我們把它套用到任何地方，

from our spouses to our children to gluten-free snickerdoodles.

從配偶、到孩子、 到無麩質的肉桂餅。

But I am comfortable embracing the broadness of the term.

但我可以很自在地擁抱 這個詞的廣度，我認為愛是

I consider love to be anything that falls within the human capacity to care,

人類所有去關心的能力，

a capacity wired deeply into us via evolution.

這種能力透過演化 已深植在我們身上。

It's our ability to care, cooperate and communicate

我們關心、合作、溝通的能力

that has allowed Homo sapiens to thrive.

讓人類能夠蓬勃發展。

And it is a failure to exercise that muscle,

而沒有讓那塊肌肉運動，

it is a lack of love that I think is at the root of our most pressing problems,

或是說缺乏愛，造成了 我們最迫切的問題，

from inequality to violence to the climate crisis.

從不平等，到暴力，到氣候危機。

Obviously, these are all massive problems

很顯然，接著都是重大問題， 需要重大的結構改變，

that are going to require massive structural change,

but at a baseline they also require us to care about one another.

但最少，也需要我們能關心彼此。

And it is harder to do that

而當你卡在自我中心、自笞的 無盡螺旋中，就更難做到。

when you're stuck in a ceaseless spiral of self-centered self-flagellation.

(Applause)

（掌聲）

Thank you.

謝謝。

So I guess what I'm trying to say here

我想說的是，有個地緣政治的 事實能讓你振作起來。

is there's a geopolitical case for you to get your shit together.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And the massively empowering news

而讓人倍感信心的消息

is that love is not an unalterable factory setting.

就是：愛不是不可改變的出廠設定。

It is a skill that you can train.

是能訓練出來的一種技能， 事實上，是一系列技能。

It's actually a family of skills.

After my 360, I learned a whole bunch of practices for upping my love game,

三百六十度評量後， 我學了一堆提升愛的做法，

and I'm going to share two with you right now

我現在跟大家分享其中兩個，

that I think would be very easy to integrate into your life.

都很容易整合到各位的人生中。

第一個做法：開始做慈心冥想。

The first is to boot up a practice of loving-kindness meditation.

你並不需要去參加某種 很炫的形而上學課程，

I should say that it does not require you

to subscribe to some fancy metaphysical program,

and it shouldn't take up too much time.

且應該不太花時間。

Maybe a few minutes a couple of times a week to start.

一開始也許每週做幾次， 每次幾分鐘就好。

The instructions are really simple. Find a reasonably quiet place.

做法指示非常簡單： 找到適度安靜的地方，

Assume a comfortable position,

擺出舒適的姿勢，

閉上雙眼，一開始先 想像一個相當好相處的人。

close your eyes and begin by envisioning a really easy person.

Maybe a good friend, maybe a pet.

可以是個好友，也可以是寵物。

And then you repeat in your mind four phrases:

接著，在你的腦中重複

"May you be happy, may you be safe, may you be healthy,

四個句子：「願你快樂， 願你安全，願你健康，

may you live with ease."

願你生活輕鬆自在。」

After you've generated a little warmth,

在你產生了一點暖意之後， 再用誘售法轉向你自己。

you do a bait-and-switch and move onto yourself.

Once again, you conjure the image and send the phrases.

接著再次想起剛才的影像， 並發送那些句子。

After that, it's on to a mentor, somebody who's helped you in your life.

在那之後，對象換成導師， 在你人生中曾幫過你的人。

Then a neutral person, somebody you might overlook.

再來是一般人，你可能會忽略的人。

Then a difficult person, probably not hard to find.

接著是難搞的人，可能不難找。

And then we finish with all beings everywhere.

最後用各地的所有人來作結。

To some of you, this may seem forced and treacly,

對某些人而言，這似乎 太強迫且太多情了，

但值得注意的是， 研究顯示，這個做法具有

but it's worth noting that the research shows

that this practice has physiological, psychological

生理上、心理上， 甚至行為上的益處。

and even behavioral benefits.

The other practice I'm going to recommend

我要建議的另一個做法是開始

is to start consciously counterprogramming against your inner critic.

有意識地對抗你內在的批評家。

Next time you notice yourself going down the toilet,

下次，當你去廁所時， 如果沒人在看，

if nobody's looking, put your hand on your heart

把手放在心口，用你和好友 說話的方式對自己說話。

and talk to yourself the way you would talk to a good friend.

For ambitious people, this may be a little scary.

有野心的人可能會覺有點害怕， 怕這會侵蝕你的優勢。

You might fear it's going to erode your edge.

但研究顯示，

But research shows that this process of replacing your sadistic inner tyrant

這個過程是將你內在虐待狂暴君換成

with a supportive inner coach, who has high standards

支持你的內在教練， 且這個教練有高標準，

but is not a jerk about it,

但這方面又不是個渾蛋，

makes you more likely to reach your goals.

這樣能讓你更有可能達成你的目標。

Now, I will cop to the fact

我得承認，雖然現在我已經 從新聞主播的工作退休，

that even though I've now retired from my job as a news man

是個全職的冥想福音傳播者，

and am a full-time meditation evangelist,

我仍然經常要去廁所。

I still go down the toilet on the regular.

But I'm much more likely to access the upward spiral these days.

但這陣子我更容易 進入到向上的螺旋。

In fact, three years after my 360, I got another one, because I never learn.

事實上，我做完三百六十度 評量後三年又再做了一次，

因為我就是學不乖。

And this one was way different.

而這次有大大的不同。

People gushed about how much I had changed as a friend and a mentor and a colleague.

大家滔滔地說我這個朋友／ 導師／同事有多大的改變，

They talked about specific meetings

他們談到某些會議，以前我總是 扮演追訴人現在則氣氛愉快。

where I used to be a prosecutor and was now delightful.

有個人說「他的自我 在縮水」，我認為那是稱讚。

One person said, “His ego is shrinking,” which I think was a compliment.

And another person said, “He’s finding his heart,”

另一個人說「他找到他的心了」，

which the new me let pass.

新的我就不追究這句了。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

After she finished reading, my wife turned to me and said,

我太太讀完之後，轉向我，說：

「恭喜，現在你很無趣了。」

"Congratulations, now you're boring."

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I'm hoping that was a joke because in my opinion,

我希望那是玩笑話，因為，

我認為，把你的愛 做得更好絕對不無趣。

upping your love game is anything but boring.

It’s countercultural because it cuts against the never-enoughness

它是反文化的，因為它違抗了

社會似乎希望我們感受的 永遠不足夠感和總是落後感。

and always-behindness that society seems to want us to feel.

It’s courageous because it’s hard to look at your demons.

它是很勇敢的，因為要正視 自己的惡魔很困難。

And it’s happiness-producing because when you high-five your demons,

它會產生快樂，

因為當你和你的惡魔擊掌時， 它們擁有你的程度就下降了。

they don't own you as much.

And all of that makes you more generous and more available.

而這一切會讓你更大方、 更有空給別人。

If that sounds grandiose or touchy-feely to you,

如果你覺得聽起來很浮誇 或過於情感化，讓我換個說法。

let me put it to you another way.

The view is so much better when you pull your head out of your ass.

若你能把你的頭從你的屁股中 拉出來，景觀會好很多。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Thank you very much.

非常謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）