My story of love and loss as a transracial adoptee | Sara Jones

翻译人员: Nan Yang 校对人员: Yolanda Zhang

When I was three years old,

在我 3 岁时，

I was transracially adopted from South Korea

我被一对来自 犹他州盐湖城的白人夫妇

by a white family in Salt Lake City, Utah.

从韩国“跨种族”收养。

I arrived in America with a mysterious tattoo on my left forearm.

我带着左前臂上的一个神秘纹身， 来到了美国。

The tattoo was so large and noticeable

这个纹身很大、很引人注目，

that my adoptive parents had it surgically removed right away.

我的养父母很快就用手术将它抹除了。

They were worried that other kids would make fun of it.

因为他们担心其他孩子 会因此而取笑我。

Today, there's only a light scar where the tattoo once was,

如今，那个原本有纹身的地方 只剩下了淡淡的疤痕，

so I've redrawn it in permanent marker so you can see what it looked like.

于是我用永久性记号笔把它重新画了出来， 这样你们就能一睹它的庐山真面目了。

Korean adoption records in 1976 were notoriously incomplete.

1976 年，韩国的收养记录 是出了名的不完善。

I didn't have any information about my background

所以我当时没有任何 关于自己的背景

或者出生家庭的信息。

or my birth family.

I didn't even know if my name or birth date were real

我甚至不知道我的名字和 出生日期到底是真实的，

or if they were assigned.

还是随机分配的。

And no one knew what my tattoo meant.

而且没人知道我的纹身有什么含义。

Transracial adoption is where a child from one race or ethnicity

跨种族收养是指一个孩子

is adopted by parents from a different race or ethnicity.

被来自不同种族或民族的父母收养。

In my generation, children who were adopted from Korea

在我这一代，从韩国领养的孩子

were assimilated into the culture of their adoptive parents.

都被养父母所处的文化同化了。

So I was raised as if I were white.

所以我是被当做白人抚养长大的。

Growing up, occasionally my family would eat at a Korean restaurant,

从小到大， 我们家偶尔会去韩国餐馆吃饭，

or we'd go to the Asian festival.

或者去参加亚洲艺术节。

But I did not identify with being Asian.

但我并不认同自己是亚洲人。

Looking back now,

现在回想起来，

having my tattoo removed is symbolic of losing a connection

去掉我的纹身就意味着我失去了

with my Korean ethnicity and culture.

与我的韩国血统和文化的联系。

And I am not alone.

但我不是个例。

Since the 1950s, almost 200,000 Korean children have been adopted

从 20 世纪 50 年代开始， 大约有 20 万名韩国儿童

被世界各地的家庭领养。

all over the world.

A growing body of research shows that children experience trauma

越来越多的研究显示，

儿童在与他们的原生家庭分离时 都多少会经历一些创伤。

when they're separated from their families of origin.

My story includes such childhood trauma.

我的故事就包含这种童年创伤。

I recently found out that my birth mother

我最近才发现，我的生母

left my family shortly after I was born.

在我出生不久后就离家出走了。

When I was two years old, my birth father became injured

当我 2 岁时，我的生父受了伤，

and could not provide for my brothers and me.

无力再独自抚养我和我的哥哥们。

And so my two older brothers and I were sent to children welfare services.

所以我们三个 就被送到了儿童福利院。

And there, someone decided, because I was younger,

由于我的年龄更小， 所以那里有人认为，

that I was more adoptable.

我更容易被收养。

And so, I was sent to a separate orphanage,

于是，我被送到了另一个孤儿院，

separated from my brothers who cared for me.

与关心照顾我的哥哥们分开了。

My adoption records say that I wouldn't play

我的收养记录上说，

我不愿与孤儿院的其他孩子玩耍，

with any of the other children at the orphanage,

and now I know why.

现在我知道了原因。

My adoption photos show the picture of a frightened, malnourished little girl.

在我的收养照片上的， 是一个惊恐的、营养不良的小女孩。

Just imagine my culture shock a short and lonely nine months later,

想象一下我在短暂而孤独的 9 个月后 所受到的文化冲击，

as I arrived in America,

那时我刚刚到美国，

where everything was different:

那里的一切都是如此不同：

the people,

人、

建筑、

the buildings,

the food

食物，

and the clothing.

还有服饰。

As a three-year-old child, I quickly figured out

作为一个 3 岁的孩子， 我很快发现

that no one spoke the Korean language that I spoke,

周围没有一个人说着我讲的韩语，

and so I stopped speaking altogether for six months.

所以我整整 6 个月都没有说话。

And when I started speaking again, it was in full English.

但当我再次开口说话时， 全是英文了。

One of the first phrases I said

我最先说出的短语之一，

as my parents showed me my orphanage photos

是当我的养父母向我展示 我在孤儿院的照片时，

was, "Sara sad."

我说：“莎拉不开心。”

Children who are adopted often put up emotional walls

被收养的孩子总是筑起情感的高墙，

to protect themselves from being hurt again.

来保护自己以免再次受伤。

I certainly did this,

我确实是这样，

and like many transracially adopted children,

正如许多被跨种族收养的孩子一样，

there were many moments growing up where I wished that I was white

在成长的过程中， 有很多时候我希望自己

like the other kids around me.

可以像我身边的孩子那样是白人。

Other kids made fun of my eyes and nose.

其他孩子嘲笑我的眼睛和鼻子。

Now, the '80s styles were particularly brutal to me,

80 年代的风格对我来说特别残忍，

with glasses that didn't fit well,

不合适的眼镜，

hairstyles --

发型——

(Laughter)

（笑声）

that looked ridiculous on me.

我留这个发型看起来真的挺搞笑。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

This narrative of adoption might be uncomfortable for you to hear.

这个收养故事也许 在你们听来很不舒服。

The narrative that we usually hear is that of a new parent,

我们经常听到的故事是，

一对新父母，急切地等待着 一个他们渴望已久的孩子。

who is eagerly awaiting a child that they've been wanting for so long.

The parents' story is told with love, joy and excitement,

这对父母的故事充满了爱、 喜悦和兴奋，

and as they bring a newly adopted child into their home,

当他们把刚收养的孩子带回家时，

family and friends celebrate and congratulate the parents

家人和朋友们都会为这对父母

on their wonderful decision to adopt.

收养孩子的伟大决定而庆祝。

My parents' adoption story was like a beautiful blanket that kept me warm.

我养父母的收养故事就像一条 美丽的毯子，让我感到温暖。

But after a while, it felt like the focus was more on the blanket,

但是过了一段时间后， 我感觉大家的关注点更多得在

covering me and my point of view entirely.

那条完全盖住了我和 我的观点的“毯子”上。

I couldn't emotionally breathe.

我被“毯子”压得喘不过气来。

My parents would say things to me like,

我的养父母会对我说这样的话：

"I fell in love with you the first time I saw your photo.

“当我第一次见到你的照片时 我就爱上了你。

My heart broke."

我的心都碎了。”

They love me, I know that, and I was wanted.

我知道，他们爱我，他们也需要我。

But I wish that the only birth story I had wasn't so sad,

但是我希望我出生的故事 不要这么悲伤，

so humanitarian.

不要这么人道主义。

I would often confuse love with gratitude,

我经常把爱与感恩弄混，

especially when other people would say things to me like,

尤其是当人们对我说：

"You're so lucky to be adopted to America,"

“你被收养到美国可真幸运！”

or, "Your parents are such angels to adopt you."

或者“你父母收养了你， 他们简直是天使！”的时候。

To a child, it felt like these comments were constant reminders to be grateful

对于一个孩子来说， 这些话时时提醒着她要感恩，

to my parents' charity.

感恩他养父母的善行。

I resented that I couldn't tell these adults,

我很愤恨自己无法告诉这些大人，

"I don't like being reminded all the time that I'm adopted.

“我不喜欢总是被别人 提醒自己是收养的。

I just want to be a normal kid,

我只是想做一个正常的孩子，

and maybe even be ungrateful once in a while."

甚至能有一小会儿停止感恩。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But I learned to smile without really smiling,

但是我学会了皮笑肉不笑，

and as I grew older, I wanted to be able to say,

当我再大一些时， 我希望自己有一天能够说：

"Sara is still sad."

“莎拉还是不开心。”

But I buried my feelings, and it wasn't until later in life

但我还是隐藏起自己的情绪， 直到后来我意识到，

that I realized I'd never really grieved my own adoption.

我从来不是真的 为我是被收养的事实而悲伤。

While many of us understand that adopting a child

虽然许多人都明白，收养一个

from a different race, culture or country is never simple,

来自不同种族、文化或是 国家的孩子从来不是一件容易的事，

we rarely acknowledge the complex emotions

我们却很少承认这些被收养的孩子

that children who are adopted can experience.

会经历的复杂的感情。

Some children experience feelings of loss,

有些孩子会感到失去，

feelings of rejection,

感到被抛弃、

grief,

悲伤、

shame,

羞耻、

guilt,

愧疚，

challenges with identity,

还有身份认同的挑战、

difficulty with intimacy

难以建立亲密关系，

and control issues.

以及父母管控的问题。

Just ask my kids.

问问我的孩子们就知道了。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Children who are adopted can still love their adoptive parents

被收养的孩子们仍会 在爱自己的养父母的同时

at the same time as experiencing these complex emotions.

经历这些复杂的情感。

And many of us wonder: If we had had safe emotional spaces

许多人可能会想： 在我们小一点的时候，

to own our own stories when we were younger,

如果能有一些安全的心理空间 来书写我们自己的故事，

would we still be struggling to come to terms with adoption as adults?

我们在成年时还会面临着 收养带来的种种问题吗？

Where do we find the emotional oxygen to own our own stories?

我们可以从哪里寻找 滋养我们故事的“情感氧气”呢？

Since the late 1990s and early 2000s,

从 20 世纪 90 年代末期 到 21 世纪初期，

researchers like Dr. Richard Lee have focused on different parenting techniques

博士理查德·李等学者就开始专注于 探索跨种族收养的

for transracial adoption.

不同抚养方式。

The hope is to help children and their adoptive parents

研究的宗旨是， 帮助孩子和他们的养父母

better adapt to their unique racial and ethnic circumstances.

更好地适应 不同的种族和民族背景。

There's more enculturation encouraged,

这些抚养方式鼓励 更多的文化融合，

that exposes children to the people,

使孩子可以充分接触

他们亲生家庭所在环境的 人、地方、语言和文化。

places, languages and culture of their birth families.

Some parents focus on racial inculcation

有些父母重点关注在种族问题上，

to specifically work with their children on the racism and discrimination

以帮助他们的孩子处理 他们在外界会经历的

种族主义和歧视。

that they will experience outside of the home.

And some parents allow children to choose as they get older

一些父母允许孩子随着年龄的增长，

the level of exposure to the culture of their birth families.

自主选择在多大程度上 接触自己亲生家庭的文化。

Now, we might look at these signs of progress

现在， 当我们看到这些进步的迹象时，

and think we've got it all figured out when it comes to transracial adoption.

我们可能会认为我们已经 彻底解决了跨种族收养问题。

The Korean adoptees were the first massive wave of international adoptions,

韩国的被收养儿童是 第一次大规模的国际收养潮，

almost 30 years earlier than most other countries,

大概比其他国家早了 30 多年，

and so there are entire generations of Korean adoptees --

因此出现了好几代的 韩国被收养者——

from children all the way to adults in their 70s --

从儿童一直到 70 多岁的老人——

dealing with the impact of their assimilation,

都在应对着他们被同化的影响，

and there have only been a handful of studies

而只有屈指可数的研究

that follow transracial adoptees over a lifetime.

对跨种族被收养者的一生 进行了跟踪研究。

I know that people around me could not understand my adoption grief.

我知道我身边的人 不理解我被收养的悲伤。

Rachel Rostad, another Korean adoptee, expressed what I was feeling

但瑞秋·罗斯塔德， 另一个韩裔被收养者，

when she said,

说出了我的感受：

"Loss is especially confusing to measure

“当我看起来好像 什么都没有失去的时候，

when it appears as if I haven't lost anything at all.

衡量这种失去感尤其令人困惑。

It's not missing like an organ.

这不像丢失了一个器官。

It's missing like wherever dreams go when you blink awake

这种失去感就好像 当你在晨光中眨眼醒来，

into the morning light."

梦也一样消失的感觉。”

Every year, hundreds of South Korean adoptees

每年，数以百计的韩国被收养者

search for their birth families.

在寻找他们的亲生父母。

Korean agencies report that less than 15 percent are successful.

据韩国机构报道， 他们的成功率不到 15%。

Last year, I found my Korean birth family in just three months.

去年，我仅花了 3 个月 就找到了我的韩国亲生家庭。

I posted a photo of my redrawn tattoo on social media,

我在社交媒体上分享了一张 我重新画好的纹身的照片，

which Korean groups generously shared.

这张照片被韩国群体广泛分享了。

And a friend of my brother saw the photo,

然后我哥哥的一个朋友 看到了这张照片，

and he knew instantly what the tattoo meant.

他马上就知道了 这个纹身意味着什么。

When my father decided to send us to children welfare services,

当我父亲决定把我们送到 儿童福利中心的时候，

he was worried that we would be separated and even adopted into foreign countries.

他担心我们会被分开， 甚至会被收养到国外，

And so he took the unusual step to place a large tattoo

所以他另辟蹊径， 在我和哥哥

on each of our arms

以及他自己的胳膊上

and on his own,

都纹上了一个很大的纹身，

so that we could find each other someday.

方便哪一天我们可以找到彼此。

And he tried searching for me.

他拼命努力地想找到我。

And he was right:

他的决定是对的：

the tattoo did eventually lead me to find the family that I had lost.

这个纹身最终帮我 找到了我失去的家人。

Unfortunately, he passed away nine years before he could see his children reunited.

但不幸的是，我父亲在本可以 看见一家人团聚的九年前去世了。

But last year, I traveled to Korea to meet my two older brothers,

去年我到韩国， 见到了我的两个哥哥，

my aunt and uncle,

我的姨姨和叔叔，

and I learned a lot of new things about myself,

我了解了很多关于我的新鲜事，

including my real birth date,

包括我的真实出生日期，

which actually makes me seven months older.

而真相让我老了 7 个月。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

This middle-aged woman did not love hearing that she is older.

这个中年女人真的不喜欢 听到她的实际年龄更大的消息。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And that explains all those gifted and talented classes I had in school.

这也解释了为什么我在学校读书时 显得如此天赋异禀。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But the most important thing that I learned

但我知道的最重要的事情是，

was that I had a loving family in Korea

我在韩国有一个爱我的家庭，

who remembered me as a little baby

他们还记得我是小婴儿时的事，

and had never forgotten me.

并且一直没有忘记我。

I wasn't abandoned, like my adoption records said.

我并不是像我的收养记录上 说的那样是被抛弃的。

I was wanted.

我是有人要的。

It's time to reframe our views on adoption.

所以现在是时候重新定义 我们对收养的看法了。

A healthy adoption ecosystem is one in which children,

一个健康的领养生态应当是，

孩子、收养家庭和亲生家庭

adoptive families and birth families

each own their unique stories.

都各自拥有他们自己的故事。

When these narratives are placed side by side,

当这些故事同时展示出来时，

it creates better empathy and policies for the lives that adoption impacts.

可以为他们的生活提供 更好的同理心和方针。

Here are two things that adults can do

为了更好地保护被收养儿童的故事，

to better protect adopted children's stories.

成年人可以做以下两件事。

First, give children safe emotional spaces to express their emotions,

首先，给孩子们一个安全的情感空间 来表达他们的情感，

both positive and negative.

包括积极的和消极的。

Phrases such as "tell me more,"

比如，“多给我讲讲”，

"what do you wish for"

“你想要什么”，

and "those feelings are normal"

和“这些感觉是很正常的”

这类短语是父母给予孩子 “情感氧气”的极佳方式。

are ways that parents can grant emotional oxygen to their children.

Second, validate a child's adoption story.

其次，确认被收养孩子的故事。

Children may express emotions that may feel hurtful

孩子们可能会表达出一些 令养父母觉得受伤的，

or worry an adoptive parent.

或者担心的情感。

As a parent, work to hold and manage your fears

作为父母，需要努力 控制和管理你的担忧，

separately from your child.

别让这种情绪影响你的孩子。

Always acknowledge your child's story as valid and important.

总是认同你的孩子的故事 是有效且重要的。

Now, it's natural to want to protect children

那么这样，需要保护孩子免受痛苦

from experiencing pain.

就是很自然的事了。

But my tattoo is a poignant reminder that every adoption starts with loss,

我的纹身深刻地提醒着我， 所有的收养都是从失去开始的，

and every child is affected differently.

并且每一个孩子受到的影响都不同。

Children who are adopted can live full, rich lives,

只要我们接受并 建立起这样的“收养生态”，

as we accept and build upon this unique set of cards that we were dealt.

被收养的孩子完全可以 过上完整、丰富的生活。

And as you listen to our narratives with empathy,

当你怀着同理心聆听我们的故事时，

you will hear other things as well:

你就会听到额外的一些东西：

childlike curiosity,

孩子般的好奇心、

grace,

慈悲、

resilience,

适应力、

courage,

勇气、

love

爱，

and yes, even gratitude.

当然，还有感恩。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）