My story of love and loss as a transracial adoptee | Sara Jones

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Peipei Xiang

When I was three years old,

我三歲時，

I was transracially adopted from South Korea

我在南韓被跨種族領養，

by a white family in Salt Lake City, Utah.

領養我的是猶他州 鹽湖城的一個白人家庭。

I arrived in America with a mysterious tattoo on my left forearm.

我帶著左手前臂上 謎樣的刺青抵達美國。

The tattoo was so large and noticeable

這個刺青很大，無法忽略，

that my adoptive parents had it surgically removed right away.

我的養父母馬上讓我 接受手術，移除刺青。

They were worried that other kids would make fun of it.

他們擔心其他的孩子 會拿它開玩笑。

Today, there's only a light scar where the tattoo once was,

現在，本來刺青的地方 只留下很淺的疤痕，

so I've redrawn it in permanent marker so you can see what it looked like.

我用麥克筆把它重新畫上去， 讓大家能看到它本來的樣子。

Korean adoption records in 1976 were notoriously incomplete.

韓國 1976 年的領養紀錄 是出名的不完整。

I didn't have any information about my background

我沒有任何關於我的背景 或原生家庭的資訊。

or my birth family.

I didn't even know if my name or birth date were real

我甚至不知道我的名字 和生日是否是真實的，

or if they were assigned.

還是只是被指定的。

And no one knew what my tattoo meant.

沒有人知道我的刺青代表什麼。

Transracial adoption is where a child from one race or ethnicity

跨種族領養指的是 某個種族或人種的孩子

is adopted by parents from a different race or ethnicity.

被不同種族或人種的父母收養。

In my generation, children who were adopted from Korea

在我的世代，在韓國被領養的孩子

were assimilated into the culture of their adoptive parents.

會被養父母的文化給同化。

So I was raised as if I were white.

我被當成白人來養育。

Growing up, occasionally my family would eat at a Korean restaurant,

成長過程中，我的家人 偶爾會在韓國餐館吃飯，

or we'd go to the Asian festival.

或我們會去參加亞洲節慶。

But I did not identify with being Asian.

但我並不覺得自己是亞洲人。

Looking back now,

現在回頭看，

having my tattoo removed is symbolic of losing a connection

把我的刺青除去，就象徵了

切斷與我韓國種族淵源及文化的連結。

with my Korean ethnicity and culture.

And I am not alone.

且並不是只有我。1950 年代起，

Since the 1950s, almost 200,000 Korean children have been adopted

有近二十萬韓國孩童

被全世界各地的人收養。

all over the world.

A growing body of research shows that children experience trauma

越來越多研究顯示，

當孩童與他們的原生家庭 分離時會產生創傷。

when they're separated from their families of origin.

My story includes such childhood trauma.

我的故事就包含了這種童年創傷。

I recently found out that my birth mother

我最近發現我的生母

left my family shortly after I was born.

在我出生後沒多久，就離開了家族。

When I was two years old, my birth father became injured

我兩歲時，我的生父受傷，

and could not provide for my brothers and me.

無法養育我和我的哥哥們。

And so my two older brothers and I were sent to children welfare services.

所以我和我的兩個哥哥 被交給兒童福利單位。

And there, someone decided, because I was younger,

在那裡，有人決定， 因為我年紀比較小，

that I was more adoptable.

我被領養的機會比較大。

And so, I was sent to a separate orphanage,

所以，我被送到另一間孤兒院，

separated from my brothers who cared for me.

和照料我的兩個哥哥分開。

My adoption records say that I wouldn't play

我的領養記錄指出我不願意

with any of the other children at the orphanage,

和孤兒院的任何一個孩子玩，

and now I know why.

現在我知道原因了。

My adoption photos show the picture of a frightened, malnourished little girl.

我的領養照片上是個

營養不良且嚇壞了的小女孩。

Just imagine my culture shock a short and lonely nine months later,

想像一下，在經過孤單 且短暫的九個月之後，

我抵達美國所受到的文化衝擊，

as I arrived in America,

where everything was different:

在美國一切都不同：

the people,

人不同，

the buildings,

建築不同，

the food

食物不同，

and the clothing.

服裝也不同。

As a three-year-old child, I quickly figured out

身為三歲的孩子，我很快就搞懂

that no one spoke the Korean language that I spoke,

沒有人會說我說的韓語，

and so I stopped speaking altogether for six months.

所以我有六個月的時間 乾脆連話都不說了。

And when I started speaking again, it was in full English.

當我再次開口，說的已全是英語。

One of the first phrases I said

當我父母讓我看 我的孤兒院照片時，

as my parents showed me my orphanage photos

我說的第一個片語是：

was, "Sara sad."

「莎菈悲傷」。

Children who are adopted often put up emotional walls

被領養的孩子通常會築起情緒高牆

to protect themselves from being hurt again.

來保護自己不再次被傷害。

I certainly did this,

我肯定這麼做了，

and like many transracially adopted children,

和許多跨種族領養的孩子一樣，

there were many moments growing up where I wished that I was white

我在成長過程中也經常 會希望我是白人，

like the other kids around me.

跟我身邊的其他孩子一樣。

Other kids made fun of my eyes and nose.

其他孩子會笑我的眼睛和鼻子。

Now, the '80s styles were particularly brutal to me,

1980年代的造型 對我而言特別殘酷，

with glasses that didn't fit well,

戴著不合的眼鏡，

hairstyles --

髮型——

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

that looked ridiculous on me.

我留這種髮型很可笑。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

This narrative of adoption might be uncomfortable for you to hear.

這種關於領養的說法， 各位聽起來可能會覺得不舒服。

The narrative that we usually hear is that of a new parent,

我們通常聽到的說法

是來自渴望孩子已久的 新手父母的說法。

who is eagerly awaiting a child that they've been wanting for so long.

The parents' story is told with love, joy and excitement,

訴說父母的故事時， 總是會講到愛、喜悅、興奮，

and as they bring a newly adopted child into their home,

當他們把新收養的孩子 帶到他們的家中時，

family and friends celebrate and congratulate the parents

家人朋友會慶祝和恭喜這對父母

on their wonderful decision to adopt.

做出美好的決定，收養孩子。

My parents' adoption story was like a beautiful blanket that kept me warm.

我父母的領養故事就像是 讓我們保暖的美麗毛毯。

But after a while, it felt like the focus was more on the blanket,

但一陣子之後，感覺起來 比較多焦點是在毛毯上，

covering me and my point of view entirely.

完全覆蓋了我和我的觀點。

I couldn't emotionally breathe.

情緒上，我無法呼吸。

My parents would say things to me like,

我父母會對我說這樣的話：

"I fell in love with you the first time I saw your photo.

「我一看到你的照片就愛上了你。

My heart broke."

我的心都碎了。」

They love me, I know that, and I was wanted.

他們愛我，我知道， 且我是有人要的。

But I wish that the only birth story I had wasn't so sad,

但我只有這一個出生故事，

我希望它不要那麼悲傷、慈善。

so humanitarian.

I would often confuse love with gratitude,

我通常會把愛和感激搞混，

especially when other people would say things to me like,

特別是當其他人 對我說這樣的話時：

"You're so lucky to be adopted to America,"

「你真幸運被領養到美國」，

or, "Your parents are such angels to adopt you."

或「你的父母會領養你， 他們真的是天使」。

To a child, it felt like these comments were constant reminders to be grateful

對孩子來說，這些說法經常

在提醒我要感激我父母的慈善。

to my parents' charity.

I resented that I couldn't tell these adults,

我很憤恨我無法告訴這些成人：

"I don't like being reminded all the time that I'm adopted.

「我不喜歡時時刻刻 被提醒我是領養來的。

I just want to be a normal kid,

我只想當個正常的孩子，

and maybe even be ungrateful once in a while."

甚至希望偶爾能不要感激。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But I learned to smile without really smiling,

但我學會了在不想笑時也能笑，

and as I grew older, I wanted to be able to say,

長大一點時，我希望我能說：

"Sara is still sad."

「莎菈仍然悲傷。」

But I buried my feelings, and it wasn't until later in life

但我埋藏了我的感受，直到後來

that I realized I'd never really grieved my own adoption.

我才了解到我從來沒有 真正哀悼過我自己的領養。

While many of us understand that adopting a child

雖然很多人都了解 從不同的種族、文化，

from a different race, culture or country is never simple,

或國家領養一個孩子 從來就不是件容易的事，

we rarely acknowledge the complex emotions

但我們很少了解被領養的孩子

that children who are adopted can experience.

會有多複雜的情緒。

Some children experience feelings of loss,

有些孩子會感覺到失去，

feelings of rejection,

感覺到拒絕、

grief,

悲傷、

shame,

恥辱、

guilt,

罪惡、

challenges with identity,

自我認同受挫、

difficulty with intimacy

難以建立親密關係，及有控制問題。

and control issues.

Just ask my kids.

問我孩子就知道了。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Children who are adopted can still love their adoptive parents

被領養的孩子可以 一方面愛他們的養父母，

at the same time as experiencing these complex emotions.

另一方面也感受到這些複雜的情緒。

And many of us wonder: If we had had safe emotional spaces

我們許多人會想知道： 如果在我們小時候

能夠有安全的情緒空間 讓我們能正視自己的故事，

to own our own stories when we were younger,

would we still be struggling to come to terms with adoption as adults?

那麼我們長大成人後 接受領養這件事是否還會這麼困難？

Where do we find the emotional oxygen to own our own stories?

在哪裡才能找到情緒上的氧氣， 讓我們面對自己的故事？

Since the late 1990s and early 2000s,

從 1990 年代末、 2000 年代初開始，

researchers like Dr. Richard Lee have focused on different parenting techniques

像理察李博士這樣的研究者 就把焦點放在針對跨種族領養

for transracial adoption.

採用不同的教養方法。

The hope is to help children and their adoptive parents

他的目標是希望 協助孩子和他們的養父母

better adapt to their unique racial and ethnic circumstances.

更適應他們獨特的種族和人種處境。

There's more enculturation encouraged,

這樣的教養方式鼓勵促進文化適應，

that exposes children to the people,

也就是讓孩子接觸原生家庭的

places, languages and culture of their birth families.

民族、地方、語言，和文化。

Some parents focus on racial inculcation

有些父母把焦點放在 種族思想教誨上，

to specifically work with their children on the racism and discrimination

很明確地和他們的孩子一起處理

他們在外面會遇到的 種族主義與歧視。

that they will experience outside of the home.

And some parents allow children to choose as they get older

有些父母會在孩子長大一點時

the level of exposure to the culture of their birth families.

讓孩子自己選擇 要接觸多少原生家庭的文化。

Now, we might look at these signs of progress

我們可以看著這些進步的跡象

and think we've got it all figured out when it comes to transracial adoption.

就說我們已經把 跨種族領養全都搞定了。

The Korean adoptees were the first massive wave of international adoptions,

收養韓國孩童 是第一波大量的國際領養，

almost 30 years earlier than most other countries,

比大部分其他國家早了要近三十年，

and so there are entire generations of Korean adoptees --

所以有一整個世代的 韓國養子養女——

from children all the way to adults in their 70s --

從孩童到七十多歲的成人都有——

dealing with the impact of their assimilation,

在處理他們的同化所造成的影響，

and there have only been a handful of studies

而只有少數的研究

that follow transracial adoptees over a lifetime.

在追蹤跨種族養子養女的一生。

I know that people around me could not understand my adoption grief.

我知道我身邊的人 無法理解我的領養悲傷。

Rachel Rostad, another Korean adoptee, expressed what I was feeling

另一位被領養的韓國人 瑞秋羅斯塔表達出了我的感受，

when she said,

她說：

"Loss is especially confusing to measure

「當表面看起來 我什麼都沒有失去時，

when it appears as if I haven't lost anything at all.

衡量失去就變得特別讓人困惑。

It's not missing like an organ.

這並不是像失去了一個器官，

It's missing like wherever dreams go when you blink awake

而是當你一眨眼醒來時

夢境就消失在晨光中的那種失去。」

into the morning light."

Every year, hundreds of South Korean adoptees

每年，有數百名被領養的韓國人

search for their birth families.

在尋找他們的原生家庭。

Korean agencies report that less than 15 percent are successful.

韓國機構的報告指出 成功率不到 15%。

Last year, I found my Korean birth family in just three months.

去年，我只花了三個月 就找到了我的韓國原生家庭。

I posted a photo of my redrawn tattoo on social media,

我在社群媒體上貼出了 我重新畫上去的刺青，

which Korean groups generously shared.

一些韓國社群很大方地幫我分享。

And a friend of my brother saw the photo,

我哥哥的朋友看到了那張照片，

and he knew instantly what the tattoo meant.

他馬上就知道那個刺青的意義。

When my father decided to send us to children welfare services,

當我爸爸決定要把我們 交給兒童福利單位時，

he was worried that we would be separated and even adopted into foreign countries.

他擔心我們會被分開， 甚至被領養至國外。

And so he took the unusual step to place a large tattoo

所以他採取了不尋常的做法，

在我們每個人的手臂上 刺了一個大圖案，

on each of our arms

and on his own,

他自己也有，

so that we could find each other someday.

希望有一天我們能藉此找到彼此。

And he tried searching for me.

他嘗試過找我。

And he was right:

他是對的：

the tattoo did eventually lead me to find the family that I had lost.

刺青最後的確讓我找到了 我曾經失去的家庭。

Unfortunately, he passed away nine years before he could see his children reunited.

不幸的是，他在他的孩子們 團聚的九年前就過世了。

But last year, I traveled to Korea to meet my two older brothers,

但去年，我前往韓國 見我的兩個哥哥、

my aunt and uncle,

我的姑姑和叔叔，

and I learned a lot of new things about myself,

我對我自己有了許多新的了解，

including my real birth date,

包括知道了我真正的生日，

which actually makes me seven months older.

我的實際年齡是再大七個月。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

This middle-aged woman did not love hearing that she is older.

這位中年女子不喜歡 聽到自己其實更老。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And that explains all those gifted and talented classes I had in school.

這就解釋了我在學校 為什麼能讀資優班。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But the most important thing that I learned

但我得知了一件最重要的事，

was that I had a loving family in Korea

我在韓國有一個有愛的家庭，

who remembered me as a little baby

他們記得還是個小寶寶的我，

and had never forgotten me.

且從來沒有忘記我。

I wasn't abandoned, like my adoption records said.

我的領養記錄上寫著 我是被拋棄的，但並非如此。

I was wanted.

我是有人要的。

It's time to reframe our views on adoption.

該是重建我們的領養觀念的時候了。

A healthy adoption ecosystem is one in which children,

健康的領養生態系統是孩子、

adoptive families and birth families

領養家庭，以及原生家庭

each own their unique stories.

都有他們自己獨一無二的故事。

When these narratives are placed side by side,

當這些說法被放在一起時，

it creates better empathy and policies for the lives that adoption impacts.

就會為領養所影響到的那些人 創造出更好的同理心和方針。

Here are two things that adults can do

成人能做兩件事，

to better protect adopted children's stories.

把被領養的孩子的故事保護得更好。

First, give children safe emotional spaces to express their emotions,

第一，給孩子安全的情緒空間 去表達他們的情緒，

both positive and negative.

包括正面和負面的情緒。

Phrases such as "tell me more,"

可用的說詞包括 「多告訴我一點」、

"what do you wish for"

「你希望如何」，

and "those feelings are normal"

以及「那些感覺是正常的」，

are ways that parents can grant emotional oxygen to their children.

父母可以用這些方式 給孩子在情緒上需要的氧氣。

Second, validate a child's adoption story.

第二，認可孩子的領養故事。

Children may express emotions that may feel hurtful

孩子所表現出來的情緒， 有可能讓你感覺受傷，

or worry an adoptive parent.

或會讓養父母擔心。

As a parent, work to hold and manage your fears

身為父母，要努力 約束和管理你的恐懼，

separately from your child.

不要影響到孩子。

Always acknowledge your child's story as valid and important.

一定要認可孩子的故事， 並承認它的重要性。

Now, it's natural to want to protect children

父母很自然會想要保護孩子

from experiencing pain.

不讓他們感到痛苦。

But my tattoo is a poignant reminder that every adoption starts with loss,

但我的刺青會用力提醒我，

每個領養故事的開頭都是失去，

and every child is affected differently.

每個孩子受到的影響也都不同。

Children who are adopted can live full, rich lives,

當我們這些被領養的孩子 能夠接受發給我們的這一手

as we accept and build upon this unique set of cards that we were dealt.

獨特的牌，並好好發揮， 我們也能過著完整豐富的生活。

And as you listen to our narratives with empathy,

當你帶著同理心 傾聽我們的故事時，

you will hear other things as well:

你也會聽到其他東西：

childlike curiosity,

孩子般的好奇心、

grace,

優雅、

resilience,

韌性、

courage,

勇氣、

love

愛，

and yes, even gratitude.

是的，甚至還有感激。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）