Why children stay silent following sexual violence | Kristin Jones

90,980 views ・ 2020-11-13

TED


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翻译人员: Yong Xu 校对人员: Yolanda Zhang
00:13
A few weeks ago,
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几周前,
00:14
I sat down with my mother
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我告诉了我母亲
00:16
and told her something that I had been keeping from her for 22 years.
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一件我向她隐瞒了 22 年的事。
00:22
From the time that I was 14 years old
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从 14 岁
00:24
until I was 16,
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到 16 岁,
00:27
I was sexually assaulted.
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我一直在遭受性侵。
00:30
It was scary and confusing.
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这种遭遇令人恐惧、困惑,
00:34
It was humiliating.
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和羞耻。
00:37
And even though I can genuinely say
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坦率地说,
00:39
that my mom and I have always had a close relationship,
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尽管我和妈妈的关系 一直很亲密,
00:43
I never told her.
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但我对这件事一直守口如瓶。
00:45
Even with recent movements bringing the topics
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即使最近的社会运动
00:48
of sexual abuse and sexual assault into mainstream conversation,
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把性虐待和性侵的话题 纳入了主流对话,
00:52
I stayed silent.
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但我仍然选择保持沉默。
00:54
And I guarantee that for every brave soul who said "Me too,"
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我敢保证,在每一个说 “我也是”的勇敢的灵魂的背后,
01:00
there were countless others who didn't ...
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还有无数过去没有发声,
01:04
who still haven't.
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以及现在依然没有发声的人。
01:07
Why didn't those people speak up earlier?
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为什么那些人不早点说出来?
01:11
Why didn't I?
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为什么我没早点说出来?
01:14
Because of the shame.
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因为那种羞耻。
01:17
Because of that feeling inside
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因为内心那种感觉告诉我,
01:18
telling me that what happened to me was my fault.
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发生在我身上的事是我的错。
01:24
We all hear that voice sometimes.
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我们有时都会听到那个声音,
01:27
It tells us things like,
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不断对我们说,
01:29
you are aren't good enough,
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你不够好,
01:30
you aren't smart enough ...
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你不够聪明......
01:33
you can't give a TED talk.
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你不可能在 TED 发表演讲。
01:36
We hear that voice,
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我们听到了那个声音,
01:37
and it becomes difficult to hear anything else.
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就很难再听到其他声音。
01:40
We begin to agonize over what other people will think of us --
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我们开始为别人 对我们的看法而苦恼——
01:44
how they will judge us
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如果他们发现了 我们最黑暗的秘密,
01:46
if they found out our darkest secrets.
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他们会如何评价我们。
01:49
Shame is so powerful that it can become part of who we are.
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羞耻是如此强大,甚至可以 成为塑造我们的一部分。
01:55
I told my mom what happened to me
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我跟妈妈讲了我的遭遇,
01:56
and one of the first things that she said was,
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她说的第一句话就是:
02:01
"Oh, Kristin,
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“哦,克莉丝汀,
02:03
I've been wondering what's been driving you so hard all of these years."
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我一直想知道,这些年来 是什么让你过得这么艰难。”
02:09
She could see it before I could.
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她比我先看到了。
02:11
My shame was so deep-rooted
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我的羞耻感 是如此根深蒂固,
02:14
that I had overcompensated by trying to be perfect
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以至于我试图 在生活中的其他方面
02:18
in every other area of my life.
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都做到完美来过度弥补。
02:22
Trying to build the perfect family,
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试着建立一个完美的家庭,
02:25
the perfect career,
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一个完美的职业生涯,
02:27
by trying to exhibit control instead of the chaos I felt inside.
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试图展现出控制力,而不是 我内心感到的混乱。
02:35
I have been trying my entire life
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我一生都在
02:38
to orchestrate how the world perceives me,
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努力设计这个世界 对我的看法,
02:42
because inside I haven't felt good enough.
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因为我内心感觉不够好。
02:47
She always said that I burned the candle at both ends,
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她总是说我看起来心力憔悴,
02:51
and now she knew why.
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现在她知道原因了。
02:53
Some people may be more prone to shame than others,
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有些人可能比其他人 更容易感到羞耻,
02:55
but sexual abuse doesn't discriminate.
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但性虐待并不挑受害者。
02:58
It has the ability
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它可以让我们中间
03:00
to make even the most confident of us think painful, negative thoughts.
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即使是最自信的人 也想到痛苦、消极的想法。
03:06
Why?
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为什么?
03:08
Because it takes away control over the one thing in this life
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因为它夺走了 这辈子本应真正完全
03:11
that is supposed to be truly and entirely our own:
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属于我们自己的 一个事物的控制权:
03:15
our bodies.
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我们的身体。
03:17
I've been haunted by one thought since my experience first began.
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自从我的首次遭遇开始, 我一直被一个想法所困扰。
03:23
As I tried to make sense of what happened to me,
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当我试图弄清楚 发生在我身上的事情时,
03:26
I thought to myself:
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我心想:
03:29
this is all my fault.
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这都是我的错。
03:32
I didn't say "no" good enough.
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我说“不”说得还不够好。
03:36
Next time, I'll say "no" better.
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下次,我会更用力地说“不”。
03:41
I've questioned why that was my go-to response
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我质问过为什么 这是我的第一反应,
03:44
and why my shame was so deep and heavy
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为什么我的羞耻感 如此之深,如此沉重,
03:48
that it paralyzed me from speaking my truth for so long.
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以至于让我在这么长的 时间内无法说出真相。
03:53
And now that I'm the parent of two amazing children,
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现在我是两个 了不起的孩子的母亲,
03:57
I constantly wonder what I can do
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我一直在想我能做些什么,
03:59
and what we can all do as a society
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作为一个社会 我们能做什么,
04:03
to get ahead of the shame
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才能战胜耻辱感,
04:05
and instead empower our children to know without a doubt
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给我们的孩子们以力量, 让他们明白无误地知道
04:09
that sexual abuse isn't their fault.
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被性侵不是他们的错。
04:12
Dr. Brené Brown,
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布芮尼·布朗(Brené Brown)博士
04:14
who has done incredible research around shame and vulnerability,
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曾就羞耻和脆弱做了 令人难以置信的研究,
04:17
calls shame the most powerful master emotion.
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她称羞耻是 最强大的主宰情感。
04:21
And I couldn't agree more.
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我完全同意。
04:23
Shame has the power to make kids who have been sexually assaulted
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羞耻感能使那些受到性侵
04:27
or in some other way victimized by adults
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或以其他方式被 成年人迫害的孩子们
04:30
turn in on themselves
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自暴自弃,
04:32
and experience intense internal pain.
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内心中充斥着强烈的痛苦。
04:35
But think about that.
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但想想看吧。
04:39
Isn't that incredibly unfair?
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那不是很不公平吗?
04:44
Haven't we failed as a society
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当我们的社会 让孩子们感到羞辱时,
04:47
when the end result is a child feeling shame?
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这还是一个正常的社会吗?
04:52
Shouldn't it be the perpetrators?
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我们不应该让肇事者感到耻辱吗?
04:56
Shouldn't they be ashamed of what they've done?
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难道他们不该为 自己的所作所为感到羞耻吗?
05:01
Instead, they prey on the shame of children
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相反,他们利用 孩子们的羞耻感,
05:06
and manipulate them into thinking that what happened is their fault.
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操纵他们,让他们认为 所发生的事情是他们的错。
05:11
The person who violated me fed my shame
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那个侵犯我的人进一步 深化了我的羞耻感,
05:14
and I played right into it,
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而我也落入了那个陷阱,
05:17
becoming a knot of tortured silence
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多年以来成为了 饱受折磨心有千结的
05:20
for many years.
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沉默寡言之人。
05:23
But is that shame also my fault?
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但这种耻辱也是我的错吗?
05:26
Not as a victim but as a parent,
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不是作为受害者, 而是作为家长,
05:28
who like so many of us,
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我,像很多人一样,
05:30
has unthinkingly said things to my children like,
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也不假思索地对我的 孩子们说过这样的话:
05:33
"Don't let anyone touch you;
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“不要让任何人碰你;
05:35
don't let anyone hurt you;
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不要让任何人伤害你;
05:37
don't put yourself in situations where you can become a victim."
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不要把自己置于 可能成为受害者的境地。”
05:42
As parents, we believe that we're empowering our children
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作为父母,我们相信 我们是在给予孩子力量,
05:44
to take ownership of their bodies,
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当自己身体的主人,
05:46
but when we say "don't let anyone touch you,"
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但当我们说“不要让任何人碰你”,
05:49
what we're really saying is
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我们实际上说的是
05:51
"you are responsible for the actions of somebody else."
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“你要为别人的行为负责。”
05:55
We're treating this subject like it's something children can control,
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我们以为这个问题 是孩子们可以控制的,
05:58
which is unrealistic,
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这是不现实的,
06:00
and are in turn creating a sense of false responsibility
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反过来又会在孩子的头脑中
06:03
in the mind of a child.
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制造一种错误的责任感。
06:06
An internal narrative that tells them it is their job
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他们内心的话语告诉他们,
06:10
to stop bad things from happening,
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他们的工作是阻止坏事的发生,
06:12
that they as children are responsible for stopping the actions
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他们作为孩子有责任阻止
06:17
of someone who is usually bigger,
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某个通常个子比他们大,
06:19
stronger
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更强壮,
06:21
and older than they are.
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更年长的人的行为。
06:23
I heard a message that I should have been able to stop what was happening to me
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我听到一个消息说,我应该 能够阻止我遭遇的事情,
06:27
and that made me blame myself.
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这让我自责。
06:30
I developed and then believed the idea that I had done something wrong.
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我产生了一种想法, 相信我做错了什么。
06:35
I constantly wonder if I'm unintentionally setting the same traps for my children.
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我经常在想,我是否无意中 为我的孩子设置了相同的陷阱。
06:40
I'm not wrong for wanting to keep my kids safe,
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我想保护孩子们的安全 并没有错,
06:43
but I might be wrong for inadvertently telling them the same sorts of things
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但我可能错在 无意中告诉了他们
06:49
that I believed as a child --
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一些我小时候 相信的事情——
06:51
that I could prevent someone from taking advantage of me
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我可以通过说“不”
06:55
by saying "no,"
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来阻止别人侵害我,
06:57
and therefore,
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因此,
06:59
if my "no" didn't work,
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如果我说的“不”不起作用,
07:00
that it was my fault.
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那就是我的错。
07:03
As a survivor,
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作为一个幸存者,
07:05
I want to tell them now what I longed to hear then:
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我现在想告诉他们 我那时很想听到的话:
07:10
that there is nothing you can do
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你没有任何办法
07:12
to prevent yourself from being taken advantage of
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可以阻止自己
07:15
by someone who should know better.
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被一个本该有良知的人侵害。
07:18
But at the same time,
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但与此同时,
07:20
I want them to believe they have the power
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我希望他们确信 他们有权力
07:22
to stop someone from taking advantage of them.
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阻止别人侵害他们。
07:25
I want them to feel ownership of their bodies.
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我想让他们感受到 自己才是身体的主人翁。
07:29
I want to tell my kids that I can protect them,
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我想告诉我的孩子, 我可以保护他们,
07:32
and I want to believe that.
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我想确信这一点。
07:35
But buried beneath all those good intentions
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但掩埋在这些善意
07:37
and motherly instincts
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和母性本能之下的
07:39
is that same shame.
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是同样的耻辱。
07:41
If I tell my kids that there's something they can do to prevent sexual assault,
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如果我告诉我的孩子, 他们可以做些事来防止性侵,
07:46
doesn't that mean that there's something that I could have done?
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这不是说我当年 也可以做些什么吗?
07:50
We teach our children to say "no".
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我们教孩子们说“不”。
07:54
I said "no" every time.
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当年我每次都说了“不”。
07:58
And I quickly learned that "no" doesn't always work.
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我很快意识到说“不” 并不总是有效的。
08:04
That doesn't mean that saying "no" is the wrong idea,
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这并不意味着说“不” 是错误的想法,
08:08
just that it's not a solution.
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只是这不是一个解决办法。
08:12
This is a scary concept to talk about,
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这是个仅仅是提及 都会让人恐惧的概念,
08:16
but it's a reality that we have to face
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但这是一种我们 必须要面对,
08:18
and be honest about with our children.
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而且要给我们的孩子 诚实讲述的现实。
08:22
The more that I said "no,"
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我说“不”说得越多,
08:24
the more I prolonged the inevitable.
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我就越是拖长了不可避免的事。
08:27
It got to the point where I felt
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事情到了如此地步,
08:29
that if I just gave in and got it over with,
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以至于我觉得,如果我 干脆屈服,让它结束,
08:32
at least I would have some peace until whenever the next time would be.
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至少我会得到一些安宁, 直到下次。
08:38
That made me feel like a failure.
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这让我觉得 自己是个失败者。
08:42
I felt all sense of power I had over the situation slip away,
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我感到自己 对局势的掌控力消失了,
08:47
and any grand illusions of fixing what had happened
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任何解决已经 发生的事情的幻想
08:50
only compounded the guilt and shame that I felt
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都使我感到内疚和羞愧,
08:54
for not being strong enough to stop my abuse.
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因为我无力阻止 自己遭受虐待。
08:59
Now I felt guilty for being weak.
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现在我为软弱而感到内疚。
09:03
I felt guilty for being scared.
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我为害怕而感到内疚。
09:07
I was supposed to be stronger.
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我本应该更坚强的。
09:13
I was supposed to say "no" better.
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我本来应该更好地说“不”。
09:17
My "no" was supposed to be enough.
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我说的“不”本应该足够了。
09:20
Now instead, I try to tell my kids that if something bad happens to them,
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现在,我试着告诉我的孩子们, 如果他们遭遇了什么坏事,
09:25
it's not because they didn't prevent it
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这不是因为 他们没有去阻止,
09:28
nor is it on their shoulders alone to say "no."
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说“不”也不只是 他们肩上的责任。
09:32
Although it feels like it,
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虽然感觉像发生在另一个世界,
09:33
sexual assault doesn't occur in a vacuum.
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但性侵并不是发生在真空中的。
09:37
It is enabled every single day
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它每一天都在发生,
09:40
by how our society misrepresents
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是因为我们的社会 一直在错误地描述性暴力,
09:42
and conditions us to think about sexual violence:
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并限制我们 对性暴力的思考:
09:46
the gender norms and systemic misogyny that are ever-present,
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把一直存在的性别规范 和系统性的厌女症,
09:51
the victimization of victims
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加害于受害者,
09:53
and so much more.
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以及其它种种。
09:55
It is not just an individual problem,
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这不仅仅是个人的问题,
09:59
especially when some studies show
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特别是当一些研究表明,
10:01
that as many as one in four girls
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多达四分之一的女孩
10:03
and one in 13 boys experience sexual abuse
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和十三分之一的男孩 在童年的某个时候
10:07
at some point during childhood.
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都经历过性虐待。
10:09
And that means it's not just on individuals to solve it.
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这意味着解决问题 不能仅依靠个体。
10:14
So of course while I try to teach my kids about strength and resilience
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所以很自然地,当我教 我的孩子力量、坚韧、
10:19
and persevering, and overcoming obstacles,
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毅力和如何克服障碍时,
10:22
I make sure that they know
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我要确保他们知道
10:24
strength doesn't mean facing challenges or dark feelings alone.
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有力量并不意味着要独自 面对挑战或阴暗的情绪。
10:29
In fact, there's strength in numbers
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事实上,要懂得联合他人,
10:31
and strength in asking for help.
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寻求帮助并不意味着软弱。
10:34
I was ashamed to speak up for fear of appearing weak,
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我那时羞耻到因为害怕 表现出软弱而不说出这件事,
10:39
but what I learned
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但我后来学到的是,
10:40
is talking about what happened to me only made me stronger.
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谈论我遭遇的事情 只会让我变得更坚强。
10:45
It made my shame start to dissipate.
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这让我的羞耻感开始消散。
10:49
I teach my kids about courage,
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我教给我的孩子勇气,
10:52
and I want them to know
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我想让他们知道
10:54
that courageous, strong people ask for help.
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勇敢、坚强的人 也会寻求帮助。
10:58
I remember when I was little,
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我记得我小的时候,
11:00
my parents would walk me to the bus stop.
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我的父母会送我到公交车站。
11:03
They said it was to keep my safe,
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他们说是为了保护我的安全,
11:04
and I believed that.
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我也信了。
11:06
I remember always looking out for that white van
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我记得自己一直警惕着那辆
11:08
that I had been warned about.
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我被警告要提防的白色货车。
11:11
But like over 90 percent of children who are sexually abused,
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但是,像 90% 以上 遭受性虐待的儿童一样,
11:15
I wasn't taken off a street corner or abducted from a shopping mall.
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我并没有被从街角掠走, 也没有在购物中心被绑架。
11:20
I was violated by someone I knew.
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我被我熟识的人侵犯了。
11:24
My parents did everything they could to protect me,
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我的父母在尽其所能地保护我,
11:27
but what none of us realized
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但我们都没有意识到,
11:29
was the foundation of shame that was building inside
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当我们谈论“陌生人危险”,
11:32
when we talked about "stranger danger"
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说“不”,
11:34
and saying "no"
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以及不要成为受害者时,
11:35
and not becoming a victim.
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这其中建立的羞耻的基础。
11:38
Of course this wasn't intentional.
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当然,他们不是故意的。
11:42
They did what all of us want to do as parents ...
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他们做了我们所有 为人父母者想做的事...
11:45
imagine that there's something we can do to protect our children from bad things,
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想象我们可以做些什么来保护 我们的孩子不受坏事的伤害,
11:51
but the fact is we can't.
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但事实是我们做不到。
11:53
And we can't solve the problem of sexual assault
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把责任转移到受害者 或潜在受害者的身上,
11:57
by shifting all of the blame onto victims or potential victims
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甚至是爱人的身上,
12:01
or even our loved ones.
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是解决不了性侵问题的。
12:03
The blame, 100 percent, is with the perpetrators.
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肇事者应承担全部责任。
12:08
And pretending that it lies anywhere else
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把责任推给其他方面,
12:11
not only allows those who commit assault to escape full responsibility
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不仅让那些实施侵犯的人 逃避完全责任,
12:16
but also perpetuates shame for victims.
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还会使受害者永远蒙羞。
12:20
And I for one am tired of being ashamed.
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就我而言, 我已经疲于感到羞愧。
12:25
I'll be honest with you.
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坦白说,
12:26
I wrote at least 10 different conclusions to this talk,
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我为这次演讲构思了 至少 10 个不同的结论,
12:30
but none of them felt right.
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但没有一个 感觉是正确的。
12:32
And I think that's because there isn't a conclusion here.
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我想这是因为 还不存在一个结论。
12:36
There's no way to wrap this subject up in a box,
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没有办法把这个话题 包装在一个盒子里,
12:39
tie it in a perfect bow,
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绑上一个完美的蝴蝶结,
12:41
set it aside and call it done.
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把它放在一边, 说它结束了。
12:45
This requires ongoing,
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这需要持续的、
12:47
open
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开放的、
12:49
and sometimes uncomfortable conversations.
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有时令人不快的对话。
12:52
And as much as I want to protect my children now,
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尽管我现在想保护我的孩子,
12:56
what I've come to realize is I can't protect them from sexual violence
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但我逐渐意识到,我确保 他们免受性暴力的能力,
13:00
any more than my parents could have protected me.
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并不比我父母 保护我的能力强多少。
13:04
But what I can protect them from is shame.
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但我能够保护他们免受耻辱。
13:08
God forbid my children go through what I went through.
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上帝会保佑我的孩子 不要经历我遭遇的一切。
13:13
I, at the very least, want them to know
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至少,我要让他们知道,
13:16
that sexual assault is not,
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性侵犯现在不是,
13:19
never was
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从来不是,
13:20
and never will be their fault.
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将来永远也不会是他们的错。
13:24
Thank you.
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谢谢。
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