Why children stay silent following sexual violence | Kristin Jones

翻译人员: Yong Xu 校对人员: Yolanda Zhang

A few weeks ago,

几周前，

I sat down with my mother

我告诉了我母亲

and told her something that I had been keeping from her for 22 years.

一件我向她隐瞒了 22 年的事。

From the time that I was 14 years old

从 14 岁

until I was 16,

到 16 岁，

I was sexually assaulted.

我一直在遭受性侵。

It was scary and confusing.

这种遭遇令人恐惧、困惑，

It was humiliating.

和羞耻。

And even though I can genuinely say

坦率地说，

that my mom and I have always had a close relationship,

尽管我和妈妈的关系 一直很亲密，

I never told her.

但我对这件事一直守口如瓶。

Even with recent movements bringing the topics

即使最近的社会运动

of sexual abuse and sexual assault into mainstream conversation,

把性虐待和性侵的话题 纳入了主流对话，

I stayed silent.

但我仍然选择保持沉默。

And I guarantee that for every brave soul who said "Me too,"

我敢保证，在每一个说 “我也是”的勇敢的灵魂的背后，

there were countless others who didn't ...

还有无数过去没有发声，

who still haven't.

以及现在依然没有发声的人。

Why didn't those people speak up earlier?

为什么那些人不早点说出来？

Why didn't I?

为什么我没早点说出来？

Because of the shame.

因为那种羞耻。

Because of that feeling inside

因为内心那种感觉告诉我，

telling me that what happened to me was my fault.

发生在我身上的事是我的错。

We all hear that voice sometimes.

我们有时都会听到那个声音，

It tells us things like,

不断对我们说，

you are aren't good enough,

你不够好，

you aren't smart enough ...

你不够聪明......

you can't give a TED talk.

你不可能在 TED 发表演讲。

We hear that voice,

我们听到了那个声音，

and it becomes difficult to hear anything else.

就很难再听到其他声音。

We begin to agonize over what other people will think of us --

我们开始为别人 对我们的看法而苦恼——

how they will judge us

如果他们发现了 我们最黑暗的秘密，

if they found out our darkest secrets.

他们会如何评价我们。

Shame is so powerful that it can become part of who we are.

羞耻是如此强大，甚至可以 成为塑造我们的一部分。

I told my mom what happened to me

我跟妈妈讲了我的遭遇，

and one of the first things that she said was,

她说的第一句话就是：

"Oh, Kristin,

“哦，克莉丝汀，

I've been wondering what's been driving you so hard all of these years."

我一直想知道，这些年来 是什么让你过得这么艰难。”

She could see it before I could.

她比我先看到了。

My shame was so deep-rooted

我的羞耻感 是如此根深蒂固，

that I had overcompensated by trying to be perfect

以至于我试图 在生活中的其他方面

in every other area of my life.

都做到完美来过度弥补。

Trying to build the perfect family,

试着建立一个完美的家庭，

the perfect career,

一个完美的职业生涯，

by trying to exhibit control instead of the chaos I felt inside.

试图展现出控制力，而不是 我内心感到的混乱。

I have been trying my entire life

我一生都在

to orchestrate how the world perceives me,

努力设计这个世界 对我的看法，

because inside I haven't felt good enough.

因为我内心感觉不够好。

She always said that I burned the candle at both ends,

她总是说我看起来心力憔悴，

and now she knew why.

现在她知道原因了。

Some people may be more prone to shame than others,

有些人可能比其他人 更容易感到羞耻，

but sexual abuse doesn't discriminate.

但性虐待并不挑受害者。

It has the ability

它可以让我们中间

to make even the most confident of us think painful, negative thoughts.

即使是最自信的人 也想到痛苦、消极的想法。

Why?

为什么？

Because it takes away control over the one thing in this life

因为它夺走了 这辈子本应真正完全

that is supposed to be truly and entirely our own:

属于我们自己的 一个事物的控制权：

our bodies.

我们的身体。

I've been haunted by one thought since my experience first began.

自从我的首次遭遇开始， 我一直被一个想法所困扰。

As I tried to make sense of what happened to me,

当我试图弄清楚 发生在我身上的事情时，

I thought to myself:

我心想：

this is all my fault.

这都是我的错。

I didn't say "no" good enough.

我说“不”说得还不够好。

Next time, I'll say "no" better.

下次，我会更用力地说“不”。

I've questioned why that was my go-to response

我质问过为什么 这是我的第一反应，

and why my shame was so deep and heavy

为什么我的羞耻感 如此之深，如此沉重，

that it paralyzed me from speaking my truth for so long.

以至于让我在这么长的 时间内无法说出真相。

And now that I'm the parent of two amazing children,

现在我是两个 了不起的孩子的母亲，

I constantly wonder what I can do

我一直在想我能做些什么，

and what we can all do as a society

作为一个社会 我们能做什么，

to get ahead of the shame

才能战胜耻辱感，

and instead empower our children to know without a doubt

给我们的孩子们以力量， 让他们明白无误地知道

that sexual abuse isn't their fault.

被性侵不是他们的错。

Dr. Brené Brown,

布芮尼·布朗（Brené Brown）博士

who has done incredible research around shame and vulnerability,

曾就羞耻和脆弱做了 令人难以置信的研究，

calls shame the most powerful master emotion.

她称羞耻是 最强大的主宰情感。

And I couldn't agree more.

我完全同意。

Shame has the power to make kids who have been sexually assaulted

羞耻感能使那些受到性侵

or in some other way victimized by adults

或以其他方式被 成年人迫害的孩子们

turn in on themselves

自暴自弃，

and experience intense internal pain.

内心中充斥着强烈的痛苦。

But think about that.

但想想看吧。

Isn't that incredibly unfair?

那不是很不公平吗？

Haven't we failed as a society

当我们的社会 让孩子们感到羞辱时，

when the end result is a child feeling shame?

这还是一个正常的社会吗？

Shouldn't it be the perpetrators?

我们不应该让肇事者感到耻辱吗？

Shouldn't they be ashamed of what they've done?

难道他们不该为 自己的所作所为感到羞耻吗？

Instead, they prey on the shame of children

相反，他们利用 孩子们的羞耻感，

and manipulate them into thinking that what happened is their fault.

操纵他们，让他们认为 所发生的事情是他们的错。

The person who violated me fed my shame

那个侵犯我的人进一步 深化了我的羞耻感，

and I played right into it,

而我也落入了那个陷阱，

becoming a knot of tortured silence

多年以来成为了 饱受折磨心有千结的

for many years.

沉默寡言之人。

But is that shame also my fault?

但这种耻辱也是我的错吗？

Not as a victim but as a parent,

不是作为受害者， 而是作为家长，

who like so many of us,

我，像很多人一样，

has unthinkingly said things to my children like,

也不假思索地对我的 孩子们说过这样的话：

"Don't let anyone touch you;

“不要让任何人碰你；

don't let anyone hurt you;

不要让任何人伤害你；

don't put yourself in situations where you can become a victim."

不要把自己置于 可能成为受害者的境地。”

As parents, we believe that we're empowering our children

作为父母，我们相信 我们是在给予孩子力量，

to take ownership of their bodies,

当自己身体的主人，

but when we say "don't let anyone touch you,"

但当我们说“不要让任何人碰你”，

what we're really saying is

我们实际上说的是

"you are responsible for the actions of somebody else."

“你要为别人的行为负责。”

We're treating this subject like it's something children can control,

我们以为这个问题 是孩子们可以控制的，

which is unrealistic,

这是不现实的，

and are in turn creating a sense of false responsibility

反过来又会在孩子的头脑中

in the mind of a child.

制造一种错误的责任感。

An internal narrative that tells them it is their job

他们内心的话语告诉他们，

to stop bad things from happening,

他们的工作是阻止坏事的发生，

that they as children are responsible for stopping the actions

他们作为孩子有责任阻止

of someone who is usually bigger,

某个通常个子比他们大，

stronger

更强壮，

and older than they are.

更年长的人的行为。

I heard a message that I should have been able to stop what was happening to me

我听到一个消息说，我应该 能够阻止我遭遇的事情，

and that made me blame myself.

这让我自责。

I developed and then believed the idea that I had done something wrong.

我产生了一种想法， 相信我做错了什么。

I constantly wonder if I'm unintentionally setting the same traps for my children.

我经常在想，我是否无意中 为我的孩子设置了相同的陷阱。

I'm not wrong for wanting to keep my kids safe,

我想保护孩子们的安全 并没有错，

but I might be wrong for inadvertently telling them the same sorts of things

但我可能错在 无意中告诉了他们

that I believed as a child --

一些我小时候 相信的事情——

that I could prevent someone from taking advantage of me

我可以通过说“不”

by saying "no,"

来阻止别人侵害我，

and therefore,

因此，

if my "no" didn't work,

如果我说的“不”不起作用，

that it was my fault.

那就是我的错。

As a survivor,

作为一个幸存者，

I want to tell them now what I longed to hear then:

我现在想告诉他们 我那时很想听到的话：

that there is nothing you can do

你没有任何办法

to prevent yourself from being taken advantage of

可以阻止自己

by someone who should know better.

被一个本该有良知的人侵害。

But at the same time,

但与此同时，

I want them to believe they have the power

我希望他们确信 他们有权力

to stop someone from taking advantage of them.

阻止别人侵害他们。

I want them to feel ownership of their bodies.

我想让他们感受到 自己才是身体的主人翁。

I want to tell my kids that I can protect them,

我想告诉我的孩子， 我可以保护他们，

and I want to believe that.

我想确信这一点。

But buried beneath all those good intentions

但掩埋在这些善意

and motherly instincts

和母性本能之下的

is that same shame.

是同样的耻辱。

If I tell my kids that there's something they can do to prevent sexual assault,

如果我告诉我的孩子， 他们可以做些事来防止性侵，

doesn't that mean that there's something that I could have done?

这不是说我当年 也可以做些什么吗？

We teach our children to say "no".

我们教孩子们说“不”。

I said "no" every time.

当年我每次都说了“不”。

And I quickly learned that "no" doesn't always work.

我很快意识到说“不” 并不总是有效的。

That doesn't mean that saying "no" is the wrong idea,

这并不意味着说“不” 是错误的想法，

just that it's not a solution.

只是这不是一个解决办法。

This is a scary concept to talk about,

这是个仅仅是提及 都会让人恐惧的概念，

but it's a reality that we have to face

但这是一种我们 必须要面对，

and be honest about with our children.

而且要给我们的孩子 诚实讲述的现实。

The more that I said "no,"

我说“不”说得越多，

the more I prolonged the inevitable.

我就越是拖长了不可避免的事。

It got to the point where I felt

事情到了如此地步，

that if I just gave in and got it over with,

以至于我觉得，如果我 干脆屈服，让它结束，

at least I would have some peace until whenever the next time would be.

至少我会得到一些安宁， 直到下次。

That made me feel like a failure.

这让我觉得 自己是个失败者。

I felt all sense of power I had over the situation slip away,

我感到自己 对局势的掌控力消失了，

and any grand illusions of fixing what had happened

任何解决已经 发生的事情的幻想

only compounded the guilt and shame that I felt

都使我感到内疚和羞愧，

for not being strong enough to stop my abuse.

因为我无力阻止 自己遭受虐待。

Now I felt guilty for being weak.

现在我为软弱而感到内疚。

I felt guilty for being scared.

我为害怕而感到内疚。

I was supposed to be stronger.

我本应该更坚强的。

I was supposed to say "no" better.

我本来应该更好地说“不”。

My "no" was supposed to be enough.

我说的“不”本应该足够了。

Now instead, I try to tell my kids that if something bad happens to them,

现在，我试着告诉我的孩子们， 如果他们遭遇了什么坏事，

it's not because they didn't prevent it

这不是因为 他们没有去阻止，

nor is it on their shoulders alone to say "no."

说“不”也不只是 他们肩上的责任。

Although it feels like it,

虽然感觉像发生在另一个世界，

sexual assault doesn't occur in a vacuum.

但性侵并不是发生在真空中的。

It is enabled every single day

它每一天都在发生，

by how our society misrepresents

是因为我们的社会 一直在错误地描述性暴力，

and conditions us to think about sexual violence:

并限制我们 对性暴力的思考：

the gender norms and systemic misogyny that are ever-present,

把一直存在的性别规范 和系统性的厌女症，

the victimization of victims

加害于受害者，

and so much more.

以及其它种种。

It is not just an individual problem,

这不仅仅是个人的问题，

especially when some studies show

特别是当一些研究表明，

that as many as one in four girls

多达四分之一的女孩

and one in 13 boys experience sexual abuse

和十三分之一的男孩 在童年的某个时候

at some point during childhood.

都经历过性虐待。

And that means it's not just on individuals to solve it.

这意味着解决问题 不能仅依靠个体。

So of course while I try to teach my kids about strength and resilience

所以很自然地，当我教 我的孩子力量、坚韧、

and persevering, and overcoming obstacles,

毅力和如何克服障碍时，

I make sure that they know

我要确保他们知道

strength doesn't mean facing challenges or dark feelings alone.

有力量并不意味着要独自 面对挑战或阴暗的情绪。

In fact, there's strength in numbers

事实上，要懂得联合他人，

and strength in asking for help.

寻求帮助并不意味着软弱。

I was ashamed to speak up for fear of appearing weak,

我那时羞耻到因为害怕 表现出软弱而不说出这件事，

but what I learned

但我后来学到的是，

is talking about what happened to me only made me stronger.

谈论我遭遇的事情 只会让我变得更坚强。

It made my shame start to dissipate.

这让我的羞耻感开始消散。

I teach my kids about courage,

我教给我的孩子勇气，

and I want them to know

我想让他们知道

that courageous, strong people ask for help.

勇敢、坚强的人 也会寻求帮助。

I remember when I was little,

我记得我小的时候，

my parents would walk me to the bus stop.

我的父母会送我到公交车站。

They said it was to keep my safe,

他们说是为了保护我的安全，

and I believed that.

我也信了。

I remember always looking out for that white van

我记得自己一直警惕着那辆

that I had been warned about.

我被警告要提防的白色货车。

But like over 90 percent of children who are sexually abused,

但是，像 90% 以上 遭受性虐待的儿童一样，

I wasn't taken off a street corner or abducted from a shopping mall.

我并没有被从街角掠走， 也没有在购物中心被绑架。

I was violated by someone I knew.

我被我熟识的人侵犯了。

My parents did everything they could to protect me,

我的父母在尽其所能地保护我，

but what none of us realized

但我们都没有意识到，

was the foundation of shame that was building inside

当我们谈论“陌生人危险”，

when we talked about "stranger danger"

说“不”，

and saying "no"

以及不要成为受害者时，

and not becoming a victim.

这其中建立的羞耻的基础。

Of course this wasn't intentional.

当然，他们不是故意的。

They did what all of us want to do as parents ...

他们做了我们所有 为人父母者想做的事...

imagine that there's something we can do to protect our children from bad things,

想象我们可以做些什么来保护 我们的孩子不受坏事的伤害，

but the fact is we can't.

但事实是我们做不到。

And we can't solve the problem of sexual assault

把责任转移到受害者 或潜在受害者的身上，

by shifting all of the blame onto victims or potential victims

甚至是爱人的身上，

or even our loved ones.

是解决不了性侵问题的。

The blame, 100 percent, is with the perpetrators.

肇事者应承担全部责任。

And pretending that it lies anywhere else

把责任推给其他方面，

not only allows those who commit assault to escape full responsibility

不仅让那些实施侵犯的人 逃避完全责任，

but also perpetuates shame for victims.

还会使受害者永远蒙羞。

And I for one am tired of being ashamed.

就我而言， 我已经疲于感到羞愧。

I'll be honest with you.

坦白说，

I wrote at least 10 different conclusions to this talk,

我为这次演讲构思了 至少 10 个不同的结论，

but none of them felt right.

但没有一个 感觉是正确的。

And I think that's because there isn't a conclusion here.

我想这是因为 还不存在一个结论。

There's no way to wrap this subject up in a box,

没有办法把这个话题 包装在一个盒子里，

tie it in a perfect bow,

绑上一个完美的蝴蝶结，

set it aside and call it done.

把它放在一边， 说它结束了。

This requires ongoing,

这需要持续的、

open

开放的、

and sometimes uncomfortable conversations.

有时令人不快的对话。

And as much as I want to protect my children now,

尽管我现在想保护我的孩子，

what I've come to realize is I can't protect them from sexual violence

但我逐渐意识到，我确保 他们免受性暴力的能力，

any more than my parents could have protected me.

并不比我父母 保护我的能力强多少。

But what I can protect them from is shame.

但我能够保护他们免受耻辱。

God forbid my children go through what I went through.

上帝会保佑我的孩子 不要经历我遭遇的一切。

I, at the very least, want them to know

至少，我要让他们知道，

that sexual assault is not,

性侵犯现在不是，

never was

从来不是，

and never will be their fault.

将来永远也不会是他们的错。

Thank you.

谢谢。