To Love Is to Be Brave | Kelly Corrigan | TED

翻译人员: Yanyan Hong 校对人员: Yip Yan Yeung

This is for my mom,

这场演讲献给我的妈妈，

even though when I called her to say,

尽管我打电话跟她说，

"Hey, have you heard of TED, T-E-D?"

“嘿，你听说过 TED 吗，T-E-D？”

She said, "Oh my God, Kelly, it's not another virus, is it?"

她说：“天啊，凯利， 别告诉我又来了一种新型病毒，对吗？”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

As a 21-year-old, I was drawn to the word brave.

21 岁的时候， 我被“勇敢”这个词所吸引。

I had a soft spot for ripping yarns and the people who could tell them.

我对那些挣脱束缚 并分享背后故事的人情有独钟。

So, Odyssey on the brain,

所以，天天幻想着奥德赛，

I went out adventure collecting.

我开始去尝试冒险。

Without knowing how to spell starboard or which side it referred to,

在我甚至不知道“右舷”怎么拼写， 或者它指的是哪一侧，

I got on a 46-foot boat and I sailed from Malta to Tunisia to Sicily.

我上了一艘 46 英尺长的船， 从马耳他航行到突尼斯再到西西里岛。

I traveled 11,000 miles over 13 months to seven different countries

13 个月的时间里， 我在没有计划、电话或信用卡的情况下，

without a plan or a phone or a credit card.

旅行了一万一千英里， 去了七个不同的国家。

Just 3,800 dollars in traveler's checks,

只有 3,800 美元的旅行支票，

which, if you're under 30,

如果你未满 30 岁，

it was like a little booklet of --

支票就像一本小册子——

(Laughter)

（笑声）

perforated, I don't know.

穿孔本， 我不知道怎么和大家描述。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And some expired antibiotics my mom made me bring.

还有一些我妈妈让我带的过期抗生素。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And then, running out of money,

然后，钱用光了，

I landed as a nanny for two kids, four and seven,

我就找了份保姆的工作， 照看两个四岁和七岁的孩子，

who had just lost their mom.

他们刚刚失去了妈妈。

I moved into their house,

我搬进了他们的房子，

so I could cover things on the three days a week

这样每周三天，我就能在他们爸爸

their dad worked as a flight attendant for Qantas.

在澳航当空乘的时间 帮忙照看孩子。

I smeared sunblock on their noses and Vegemite on their toast.

我在他们的鼻子上抹了防晒霜， 在他们的吐司上涂了 Vegemite（澳式酱）。

I read them to sleep at night, I cleaned the counters.

我晚上给他们读睡前故事， 我打扫厨柜桌面。

The heavy lifting was left for the truly brave,

繁重的工作留给了真正勇敢的人，

a man who organized his emotions

他整理了自己的情绪，

and answered the hardest questions,

面对了最棘手的问题，

such that his kids and hers

这样他和她的孩子们

could feel a modicum of safety in a patently unsafe world.

就能在一个明显缺乏安全感的世界中 感受到一丝丝安心。

Questions like "what is cremation?"

诸如“什么是火化？” 之类的问题，

And "what happens to us if you die?"

还有 “如果你死了，我们会怎样？”。

And so it is that I stood witness to the unphotographable,

因此，我在澳大利亚悉尼 见证了一位名叫吉姆的人

unmeasurable bravery of some guy named Jim in Sydney, Australia.

所表现出的不可复制、 无以伦比的勇气。

And over the years since,

从那以后的几年里，

I find I just can't stop cataloging these Olympic achievements in family life.

我发现自己无法停止从家庭琐事里 找寻这些好似“奥运”的成就。

The really big things often come with a game plan and a team of experts

真正重要的事情通常 包括计划“游戏”和拥有专业的团队，

and enough adrenaline to lift a school bus over your head.

还有足以将校车举过头顶的肾上腺素。

But inside every crisis you think you might be ready for

但是，在你认为可能 已经做好准备的每一次危机中，

are 100 dirty surprises that are not in the playbook.

都有 100 个不在剧本中的肮脏惊喜。

I had stage-3 cancer in my 30s,

我 30 多岁时得了癌症三期，

and I can tell you that following the chemo schedule

我可以告诉你，遵循化疗计划

didn't take nearly as much courage

所需要的勇气

as admitting to my husband that sex felt less sexy

还不如向我丈夫承认我的胸部 在做爱之后都感觉不那么性感，

after my boobs, which were once a real strong suit for me --

胸部曾经 对我来说是真正的强项——

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Were made weird and uneven by a surgeon's knife.

被外科医生的刀 弄得怪异且坑坑洼洼，

Here's a surprise.

这是一个惊喜。

My friend's father, in his final days, addled by dementia,

我朋友的父亲在他最后的日子里， 被痴呆症所困扰，

chased her around the second floor with a fork

他用藏在睡衣里的叉子

he hid in his pajamas.

将她追到二楼。

They tell you there will be loss.

他们告诉你人终有一死。

They don't tell you you will be required to love your dad

他们不会告诉你 即使他带着银器追杀你，

even as he's coming for you with silverware.

你也必须爱你的爸爸。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I've interviewed 228 people for my PBS show and my podcast,

在我的 PBS 节目和播客中，我采访了 228 人， 他们都有着辉煌职业生涯，

people with huge careers, Grammys

都是获得格莱美和普利策奖

and Pulitzers and NBA championships.

以及 NBA 总冠军的人。

And I listened to their stories and I'm duly impressed.

我听了他们的故事， 给我留下了深刻的印象。

But I'll tell you the ones they know the best.

但我要告诉你，让他们感触最深的那些。

The ones they can't tell without choking up.

那些他们哽咽着才得以分享的故事，

The moment when Bryan Stevenson's grandmother,

布莱恩·史蒂文森 （Bryan Stevenson）的祖母、

or Steve Kerr's father,

史蒂夫·克尔（Steve Kerr）的父亲、

or Samantha Power's stepfather,

萨曼莎·鲍尔（Samantha Power）的继父，

or Cecile Richards’ mom,

或塞西尔·理查兹（Cecile Richards）的妈妈，

was right there with the right words

总是出现在正确的时刻， 说着正确的话，

or the right silence at the right moment.

或是在恰当的时刻选择正确的沉默。

This bravery I'm talking about might even be better understood

要更好地去理解 我所说的这份勇敢，

if you look at the smaller moments of injury in family life

或许需要你去留意一下 家庭生活中那些细小的创伤时刻，

when there's not really an answer, or it might be your fault,

当你不知所措时，或是你犯错时，

or it might remind you of something you'd rather forget.

或者当它唤醒你不堪回首的事情。

Or because people are so suggestible

或者是因为人们总喜欢话里有话，

and the wrong tone or expression or phrasing

用了错误的语气、表情或措辞

might somehow make things worse.

可能会以某种方式使情况变得更糟。

Say your kid was dropped from a group text.

假设你的孩子被踢出了群聊。

They were in it, they mattered,

他们很在乎，这对他们很重要，

they belonged, and then, poof.

他们觉得自己是其中一份子， 然后，哎哟。

Or your husband blew the big deal at work,

或者你的丈夫将重要工作搞砸了，

or your mom won't wear the diapers

或者你尿频尿急的妈妈不愿意在星期三

that would really help her get through mahjong on Wednesdays.

穿纸尿裤去打麻将，真的很管用。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And how should we calibrate the exquisite bravery

当我们家里有人看着我们说：

to respond productively

“我认识你吗？”

when someone in our family looks at us and says,

我们应该如何调整自己

"Do I know you?"

做出勇敢且有效的回应。

"I weigh myself before and after every meal,"

“我每顿饭前后都要称自己的体重”、

"I hear voices," "I steal,"

“我能听见声音”、“是我偷的”，

"I'm using again,"

“我又吸了”、

"He raped me," "She says I raped her,"

“他强奸了我”、 “她说我强奸了她”、

"I cut myself,"

“我割伤了自己”、

"I bought a gun,"

“我买了枪”、

"I stopped taking the medication,"

“我停止服药了”、

"I can't stop making online bets."

“我无法停止在网上下注”。

"Sometimes I wonder if more life is really worth all this effort."

“有时候我想知道 生命真的值得这一切努力吗？”

Bravery is the great guts to move closer to the wound,

勇敢是靠近伤口的最大胆量，

as composed as a war nurse

就像一名战地护士

holding eye contact and saying these seven words:

坚定地望着你，并说出这七个单词：

Tell me more.

讲给我听听（Tell me More）。

What else?

还有什么（What else）？

Go on.

接着讲（Go on）。

That's how the brave shine, that's all they do.

勇敢者就是这样闪耀的， 这便是他们所做的。

They say, "Tell me more.

他们说：“讲给我听听。

What else?

还有什么？

Go on."

继续讲。”

Even if they're scared of what might happen next,

即使他们害怕接下来会发生什么，

even if they have no training or experience

即使他们没有受过训练或经验

to prepare them for this moment.

来为这一刻做好准备.

Even if it's late and they have an early flight.

即使已经很晚了， 而且他们要赶清晨的航班。

Here's two things the brave don't do.

这是勇敢者不会做的两件事。

They don't take over and become the hero

他们不会像英雄一样从天而降，

like it's a battle and the moves are so obvious.

来打一场惊天动地的战斗。

You just pick up a weapon with your ripped pecs and ropey veins

你只要用你健硕的肌肉、 青筋鼓起地挥舞着武器，

and start slaying.

然后大开杀戒。

In families, bravery is mostly just sitting there.

在家庭中， 勇气其实就是静静地坐在那里。

With a posture that communicates "I can hear anything you want to tell me."

坐在那里告示你， “你想对我说的任何话，我都能听见。”

And a nice warm face of love that says, "This is so hard,

那张亲切温暖且满怀爱意的脸 仿佛在告诉你：“这太难了，

but you will figure it out."

但你会挺过去的。”

Personally, I thought love meant action.

就我个人而言，我曾以为爱意味着行动，

I had no idea it could be so still.

我不知道它可以这样静止不动。

When things get hairy for one of my people,

当我的朋友忙得无从下手时，

everything in me wants to grab a clipboard,

我内心所想的就是拿一块剪贴板，

make a to-do list, and start calendaring appointments.

列出待办事项清单，然后开始安排预约。

Because where there's love, there's attachment.

因为哪里有爱，哪里就有依恋。

And I don't care what the gurus say,

而且我不在乎大师们怎么说，

what's happening to them is also happening,

发生在他们身上的事情，

at least at some level, to us.

至少在某种程度上，也发生在我们身上。

And all that can accidentally put us center stage.

所有这些都可能意外地 使我们成为焦点。

No longer the coach or the minister,

不再是教练或部长，

but rather one of the afflicted.

而是受苦者之一。

But these gritty endurance types I've been admiring

但我一直很欣赏这些坚韧的耐力，

have no self and no needs and no agenda.

如此无私，无欲无求且无计划。

Or at least they know how to override all that

或者至少他们知道如何

for the main character who is not us.

为我们的“主角”清障。

The second thing the brave don't do?

勇敢者不做的第二件事？

Leave.

离开。

Or hide inside work or hobbies

或者靠工作或爱好来逃避自己，

or some other socially acceptable busyness.

或通过其他社会的应酬来麻痹自己。

In my worst moments, when sitting on my hands is just unbearable,

在我的人生低谷， 当我所有的祈祷都无济于事时，

I have dreamed of going to get an MFA in Paris.

我梦想着去巴黎 读个艺术硕士学位。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Because if I can't help, why do I have to watch?

因为如果我都无能为力， 我为什么要袖手旁观？

It would be nice to leave and start again.

离开并重新开始真是太好了。

Hardly anyone who's been in a long marriage

我觉得任何结婚很久的夫妇

hasn't at least wondered how it is

都有那么一刻会想着，他们曾渴望的彼此

that the object of their desire has become so burpy and farty.

是怎么变得成天只会打嗝和放屁。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

So bingo-armed and turkey-necked.

手臂松弛，颈部松垂。

Sometimes I see myself naked.

有时候我看着自己赤身裸体。

Stretch marks from pregnancies, scars from cancer surgeries,

怀孕产生的妊娠纹、癌症手术 留下的疤痕，

other things that I don't feel you need to be visualizing right about now.

以及其他我觉得 你现在无需想象的东西。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And I think it's a miracle that man stays with me.

而且我认为我丈夫 待在我身边真是个奇迹。

But, you know, he's not untouched by time either.

但是，你知道， 他也不是不受时间的影响。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And that's just the physical.

那只是身体外表的问题。

I mean, who here hasn't wanted to be with someone

我的意思是，这里有谁不想和

who hasn't seen us eating on the toilet or bitching at the Comcast guy?

一个没有见过我们在厕所里吃饭 或喷维修师傅的人在一起？

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Leaving behind our own humiliating history,

抛下各自令人羞辱的过去，

maybe with the nice person we met at art school in Paris.

也许是为了和巴黎艺术学校 遇见的那个好人在一起。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

It's an option.

这是一种选择。

People take it.

人们接受了。

The brave hang around.

勇敢的人四处闲逛。

They are available and ready to bear witness.

他们随时准备着见证。

The final act of bravery was made clear for me

最后关于勇敢的举动

during a conversation with my friend Liz

我在与朋友丽兹的谈话中顿悟了，

while she was dying at 46.

是她在 46 岁即将离世时说的。

She said she had this weird, long,

她说她做了一个奇怪的、漫长的、

totally convincing dream

相当真实的梦，

where all the parents who, as she put it,

那就是所有像她说的那样

had to leave early,

必须提早离开的父母

were gathered.

都聚集在了一起。

And there she was, one of thousands of moms and dads,

她也在那里， 成千上万的爸爸妈妈中的一位，

and they were on folding chairs,

他们坐在折叠椅上， 透过厚厚的玻璃地板向下

looking down at the world below through a thick glass floor.

看下面的世界。

And in this imaginary space her subconscious created,

在她的潜意识创造的这个虚构空间中，

there was one rule.

有一条规则。

You could watch your child's life unfold,

你可以看着孩子的生活发展，

but you could only intervene once.

但你只能干预一次。

In Liz's dream, a perfect dream,

在丽兹的梦中，这个完美的梦中，

she never had to intervene.

她从来没有干预过。

She had given them enough while she was here.

她还在的时候， 已经给了他们足够多了。

The final act then of the truly brave

那么，真正勇敢的人的最后一步

is leaning back and letting them go.

是向后倾身，让他们去吧。

The reward for all this bravery?

所有这些勇气的回报？

Not gold medals, not hero shots for Strava,

不是金牌， 不是 Strava 上的成就照片，

not ringing the bell at the New York Stock Exchange,

也不是在纽约证券交易所的敲钟，

or owning the dinner party with Burning Man stories,

也不是开一场晚宴，说一说 Burning Man（火人节）的故事，

I think you know who you are.

我猜你知道我在说谁。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Maybe not even thanks.

也许甚至不是感谢。

The reward is a full human experience,

回报是一种纯粹的人生体验，

complete with all the emotions at maximum dosage,

因为倾尽所有感情而变得完整，

where we have been put to great use

我们也是人尽其用，

and found an other-centric love

找到了一种以他人为中心的爱，

that is complete in its expression

而这份爱因表达和传递

and its transmission.

而变得完整。

The reward is to end up soft and humble,

回报是最终变得柔和且谦逊，

empty and in awe,

无我且敬畏，

knowing that of all the magnificence we have beheld from cradle to grave,

明白了所有从摇篮到坟墓里 最了不起的

the most eye-popping was interpersonal.

且最令人意外的就是人际关系。

So here's to anyone who notices and reads between the lines,

因此，在此献给那些总会 留意且读懂隐含意义的人，

who asks the right questions, but not too many,

那些总会问出正确且恰当问题的人，

who takes notes at the doctor's office

那些在医生办公室做笔记，

and wipes butts, young and old,

那些给老人孩子擦拭屁股，

who listens, holds and stays.

那些倾听、沉默且等待的人们。

We, who, untrained

献给我们这些没有受过训练，

and always a little off-guard,

总是有点措手不及，

still dare to do love.

仍然勇敢去爱的人。

To be love.

去成为爱，

That's brave.

太勇敢了。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Cheers and applause)

（欢呼和掌声）