To Love Is to Be Brave | Kelly Corrigan | TED

譯者: 麗玲 辛 審譯者: C Leung

This is for my mom,

這段演講要獻給我媽，

even though when I called her to say,

雖然我打電話給她說，

"Hey, have you heard of TED, T-E-D?"

「嘿，你聽過 TED 嗎， T-E-D？」

She said, "Oh my God, Kelly, it's not another virus, is it?"

她回答：「天啊，凱利， 不會是又有什麼病毒吧？」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

As a 21-year-old, I was drawn to the word brave.

21 歲的時候，我被 「勇敢」這個詞吸引。

I had a soft spot for ripping yarns and the people who could tell them.

我總是喜歡編故事， 也喜歡有故事可講的人。

So, Odyssey on the brain,

所以，我腦中充滿奧德賽的情節，

I went out adventure collecting.

出發收集冒險經驗。

Without knowing how to spell starboard or which side it referred to,

我不知道怎樣拼「右舷」這個字 或是它指的是那一邊，

I got on a 46-foot boat and I sailed from Malta to Tunisia to Sicily.

卻登上一艘 46 英尺長的船，

從馬爾他航行到突尼西亞， 再到西西里島。

I traveled 11,000 miles over 13 months to seven different countries

我在 13 個月裡 航行了一萬一千英里，

到過七個國家，

without a plan or a phone or a credit card.

沒有計畫、沒有手機、也沒有信用卡，

Just 3,800 dollars in traveler's checks,

只有 3800 美元的旅行支票。

which, if you're under 30,

如果你不到 30 歲，

it was like a little booklet of --

旅行支票就像是本小冊子，上面……

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

perforated, I don't know.

是有撕孔的，我也不清楚。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And some expired antibiotics my mom made me bring.

還有一些過期的抗生素， 是我媽叫我帶的。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And then, running out of money,

然後，錢花光了，

I landed as a nanny for two kids, four and seven,

我成為兩個孩子的保姆， 一個是四歲，一個是七歲，

who had just lost their mom.

他們剛剛失去媽媽。

I moved into their house,

我搬進他們家，

so I could cover things on the three days a week

以便在他們爸爸一週三天的 值勤時間照顧他們，

their dad worked as a flight attendant for Qantas.

他是澳洲航空的空服員。

I smeared sunblock on their noses and Vegemite on their toast.

我在他們的鼻子上擦防曬、 在吐司上塗維吉麥醬。

I read them to sleep at night, I cleaned the counters.

晚上我唸故事給他們聽， 也整理廚房流理台。

The heavy lifting was left for the truly brave,

繁重的工作則留給了真正勇敢的人，

a man who organized his emotions

那個能控制情緒、

and answered the hardest questions,

回答最難的問題的人，

such that his kids and hers

這樣，他和她的孩子們

could feel a modicum of safety in a patently unsafe world.

才能在這個充滿危險的世界中 感到一絲安全感。

Questions like "what is cremation?"

問題像是「火葬是什麼？」

And "what happens to us if you die?"

還有「如果你死了，我們怎麼辦？」

And so it is that I stood witness to the unphotographable,

就這樣，在澳洲雪梨， 一個名叫吉姆的人身上，

unmeasurable bravery of some guy named Jim in Sydney, Australia.

我見證了無法拍照、難以估量的勇氣。

And over the years since,

多年來，

I find I just can't stop cataloging these Olympic achievements in family life.

我發現自己無法停止記錄 這些家庭生活中奧運式的成就。

The really big things often come with a game plan and a team of experts

真正的大事往往需要 一個計劃和一群專家，

and enough adrenaline to lift a school bus over your head.

還有讓你能舉起一輛校車的 大量腎上腺素。

But inside every crisis you think you might be ready for

但每當你以為已經準備好應對危機時，

are 100 dirty surprises that are not in the playbook.

卻還會有 100 件 劇本中沒有的可怕突襲。

I had stage-3 cancer in my 30s,

三十多歲時我患了三期癌症，

and I can tell you that following the chemo schedule

我可以告訴你，遵循化療時間表

didn't take nearly as much courage

並不需要多少勇氣，

as admitting to my husband that sex felt less sexy

遠比不上向丈夫坦承， 性愛不再感覺那麼迷人，

after my boobs, which were once a real strong suit for me --

因為我的乳房，曾是我的一大優勢，

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Were made weird and uneven by a surgeon's knife.

已被外科手術搞得又奇怪又不對稱。

Here's a surprise.

另一個突襲。

My friend's father, in his final days, addled by dementia,

我朋友的父親，在活著的最後幾天， 被失智症弄糊塗了，

chased her around the second floor with a fork

用藏在睡衣裡的叉子

he hid in his pajamas.

追著她在二樓跑。

They tell you there will be loss.

人們告訴你會有失去，

They don't tell you you will be required to love your dad

但他們沒告訴你， 你還是得愛你的父親，

even as he's coming for you with silverware.

即使他拿了叉子衝著你來。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I've interviewed 228 people for my PBS show and my podcast,

在公共廣播電視的節目和播客， 我訪問過 228 個人，

people with huge careers, Grammys

他們的職業生涯輝煌，

and Pulitzers and NBA championships.

擁有葛萊美獎、 普立茲獎和 NBA 冠軍。

And I listened to their stories and I'm duly impressed.

我聽他們的故事， 對他們的成就感到敬佩。

But I'll tell you the ones they know the best.

但我告訴你，他們最了解的故事

The ones they can't tell without choking up.

卻是那些他們無法 不哽咽地說完的故事。

The moment when Bryan Stevenson's grandmother,

像是 Bryan Stevenson （布萊恩·史蒂文森）的祖母，

or Steve Kerr's father,

Steve Kerr （史蒂夫·科爾）的父親，

or Samantha Power's stepfather,

Samantha Power （薩曼莎·鮑爾）的繼父，

or Cecile Richards’ mom,

或是 Cecile Richards （塞西爾·理查茲）的母親，

was right there with the right words

他們在某個關鍵時刻

or the right silence at the right moment.

給予了適時的話語或沉默。

This bravery I'm talking about might even be better understood

我所談論的這種勇敢，

或許在面對家庭生活中的 小小傷害時，更容易理解，

if you look at the smaller moments of injury in family life

when there's not really an answer, or it might be your fault,

通常沒有解答，或者可能是你的錯，

or it might remind you of something you'd rather forget.

或者會讓你想起寧可忘記的事情。

Or because people are so suggestible

因為人們會受他人影響，

and the wrong tone or expression or phrasing

一個錯誤的語調、表情或措辭

might somehow make things worse.

可能會讓情況更加糟糕。

Say your kid was dropped from a group text.

比如，你的孩子 被一個群組聊天踢了出來。

They were in it, they mattered,

他曾在群組裡，覺得自己滿重要的，

they belonged, and then, poof.

他有歸屬感，但突然間，消失了。

Or your husband blew the big deal at work,

或者你的丈夫在工作上犯了大錯，

or your mom won't wear the diapers

或者你媽媽不願意

that would really help her get through mahjong on Wednesdays.

在星期三打麻將時，穿上該穿的尿布。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And how should we calibrate the exquisite bravery

我們該如何校準這種極致的勇敢，

to respond productively

以有效地回應，

when someone in our family looks at us and says,

當家人看著我們說，

"Do I know you?"

「你誰呀？」、

"I weigh myself before and after every meal,"

「我每餐前後都會稱體重」、

"I hear voices," "I steal,"

「我聽見有人跟我說話」、 「我會偷東西」、

"I'm using again,"

「我又開始嗑藥了」、

"He raped me," "She says I raped her,"

「他性侵我」、「她說我強暴她」、

"I cut myself,"

「我自殘」、

"I bought a gun,"

「我買了槍」、

"I stopped taking the medication,"

「我不要吃藥了」、

"I can't stop making online bets."

「我無法停止在網上下注」、

"Sometimes I wonder if more life is really worth all this effort."

「有時候我在想，再多的生命 真的值得如此盡力嗎？」

Bravery is the great guts to move closer to the wound,

勇敢是靠著堅定的膽量，靠近傷口，

as composed as a war nurse

像一位戰地護士一樣

holding eye contact and saying these seven words:

堅定地對視，說出這幾句話：

Tell me more.

「再多說一些。

What else?

還有呢？

Go on.

繼續說。」

That's how the brave shine, that's all they do.

這就是勇敢人的亮點， 這就是他們做的一切。

They say, "Tell me more.

他們說：「再多說一些。

What else?

還有呢？

Go on."

繼續說。」

Even if they're scared of what might happen next,

即使他們也害怕 接下來可能會發生的事，

even if they have no training or experience

即使他們沒有任何訓練或經驗

to prepare them for this moment.

來準備好面對這一刻。

Even if it's late and they have an early flight.

即使很晚了，而隔天要搭早班飛機。

Here's two things the brave don't do.

有兩件事，勇敢的人不會做。

They don't take over and become the hero

第一，他們不會介入去成為英雄，

like it's a battle and the moves are so obvious.

就像在戰鬥中，招式很明顯。

You just pick up a weapon with your ripped pecs and ropey veins

你只需要拿起武器， 憑著發達的胸肌，青筋暴現，

and start slaying.

開始戰鬥。

In families, bravery is mostly just sitting there.

在家庭裡，勇敢的人 多半只是坐在那裡。

With a posture that communicates "I can hear anything you want to tell me."

用一種傳達「我能聽你說 任何事情」的姿態，

And a nice warm face of love that says, "This is so hard,

並以充滿愛意的溫暖表情說：

「這真的很難， 但你會找到解決辦法的。」

but you will figure it out."

Personally, I thought love meant action.

我原以為愛意味著行動。

I had no idea it could be so still.

我完全沒想到愛可以這麼靜止不動。

When things get hairy for one of my people,

當我的家人遇到困難時，

everything in me wants to grab a clipboard,

我滿心只想抓起記事板，

make a to-do list, and start calendaring appointments.

列出待辦事項，並開始安排預約。

Because where there's love, there's attachment.

因為有愛就有依附。

And I don't care what the gurus say,

我不在乎那些心靈大師說什麼，

what's happening to them is also happening,

發生在他們身上的事情 至少在某種程度上

at least at some level, to us.

也發生在我們身上。

And all that can accidentally put us center stage.

這一切都可能無意間 讓我們成為舞台中心的主角。

No longer the coach or the minister,

不再是人生教練或牧師，

but rather one of the afflicted.

而是成為受苦者之一。

But these gritty endurance types I've been admiring

但是，這些我一向仰慕的 堅毅類型的人，

have no self and no needs and no agenda.

沒有自我、沒有需求、沒有隱秘意圖。

Or at least they know how to override all that

或者至少他們知道

如何壓抑一切衝動， 因為我們不是主角。

for the main character who is not us.

The second thing the brave don't do?

勇敢的人不會做的第二件事？

Leave.

離開。

Or hide inside work or hobbies

或者躲在工作、嗜好

or some other socially acceptable busyness.

或其他社會認可的忙碌中。

In my worst moments, when sitting on my hands is just unbearable,

在我最困難的時期， 無所事事讓我無法忍受，

I have dreamed of going to get an MFA in Paris.

我夢想著去巴黎，拿個藝術碩士學位。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Because if I can't help, why do I have to watch?

因為如果我無法幫忙， 為什麼還要我旁觀？

It would be nice to leave and start again.

離開並重新開始是個不錯的選擇。

Hardly anyone who's been in a long marriage

幾乎每個結婚很久的人 至少會在心裏納悶過，

hasn't at least wondered how it is

他們慾望的對象怎麼會 變得如此會打嗝、放屁。

that the object of their desire has become so burpy and farty.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

So bingo-armed and turkey-necked.

手臂鬆弛，脖子皺紋像火雞。

Sometimes I see myself naked.

有時候我看到自己裸體，

Stretch marks from pregnancies, scars from cancer surgeries,

懷孕後的妊娠紋，癌症手術的疤痕，

other things that I don't feel you need to be visualizing right about now.

還有其他我覺得 你不需要想像的東西。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And I think it's a miracle that man stays with me.

我覺得那個男人依然 和我在一起真是一個奇蹟。

But, you know, he's not untouched by time either.

不過，他也沒能逃過時間的摧殘。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And that's just the physical.

這只是身體上的。

I mean, who here hasn't wanted to be with someone

我的意思是，誰沒想過

和某個沒有見過我們在廁所吃東西 或者對著客服發火的人在一起？

who hasn't seen us eating on the toilet or bitching at the Comcast guy?

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Leaving behind our own humiliating history,

把自己的丟臉過往拋在腦後，

maybe with the nice person we met at art school in Paris.

也許就跟在巴黎藝術學校 遇到的那個好人在一起。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

It's an option.

這是個選擇。

People take it.

人們會選擇這樣做。

The brave hang around.

但勇敢的人會留下來。

They are available and ready to bear witness.

他們會在身邊，準備見證一切。

The final act of bravery was made clear for me

最後一個勇敢的行為 是在我與朋友莉茲的對話中

during a conversation with my friend Liz

變得清晰明瞭的，

while she was dying at 46.

那時她 46 歲，即將去世。

She said she had this weird, long,

她說她做了一個奇怪、 漫長而非常真實的夢，

totally convincing dream

where all the parents who, as she put it,

夢見那些不得不早早離世的父母們

had to leave early,

were gathered.

聚在一起。

And there she was, one of thousands of moms and dads,

她在成千上萬的爸爸媽媽之中，

and they were on folding chairs,

坐在摺疊椅上，

looking down at the world below through a thick glass floor.

通過厚厚的玻璃地板，向下看著世間。

And in this imaginary space her subconscious created,

在這個她潛意識創造的幻想空間中，

there was one rule.

有一條規則。

You could watch your child's life unfold,

你可以看著兒女們展開人生旅程，

but you could only intervene once.

但只有一次出手幫忙的機會。

In Liz's dream, a perfect dream,

在莉茲的夢中，一個完美的夢，

she never had to intervene.

她從未需要出手。

She had given them enough while she was here.

她在世時已經給了他們足夠的愛。

The final act then of the truly brave

所以，真正勇敢的最後一個行為

is leaning back and letting them go.

是退後一步，放手。

The reward for all this bravery?

勇敢的獎賞？

Not gold medals, not hero shots for Strava,

不是金牌，不是在運動社交平台上 炫耀的英雄式照片。

not ringing the bell at the New York Stock Exchange,

不是到紐約證券交易所敲鐘，

or owning the dinner party with Burning Man stories,

或者在晚宴上講述 火人節的故事並成為焦點，

I think you know who you are.

我想你知道我在說誰。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Maybe not even thanks.

可能甚至不是感謝。

The reward is a full human experience,

獎賞是充份的人的經歷，

complete with all the emotions at maximum dosage,

因各種最飽滿的情緒而完整，

where we have been put to great use

我們盡力貢獻，

and found an other-centric love

找到了以他人為中心的愛，

that is complete in its expression

這種愛要在表達和傳遞中才是完整的。

and its transmission.

The reward is to end up soft and humble,

獎賞是最終變得溫和和謙卑，

empty and in awe,

豁然且敬畏，

knowing that of all the magnificence we have beheld from cradle to grave,

知道從搖籃到墳墓， 我們所見證的所有壯麗中，

the most eye-popping was interpersonal.

最令人驚嘆的是人與人之間的互動。

So here's to anyone who notices and reads between the lines,

所以，向那些注意並讀懂 細微之處的人致敬；

who asks the right questions, but not too many,

向那些問對問題， 但不問太多的人致敬；

who takes notes at the doctor's office

向那些在醫生診間做筆記

and wipes butts, young and old,

和擦屁股的人致敬，不論老少；

who listens, holds and stays.

向那些傾聽、陪伴並守候的人致敬。

We, who, untrained

我們這些未經訓練

and always a little off-guard,

且總是有些措手不及的人，

still dare to do love.

仍然敢於去愛，

To be love.

敢於成為愛。

That's brave.

這才是真正的勇敢。

Thank you.

謝謝大家。

(Cheers and applause)

（歡呼和掌聲）