3 steps to turn everyday get-togethers into transformative gatherings | Priya Parker

Prevodilac: Ivana Krivokuća Lektor: Kristina Radosavljević

When I was a child,

Kad sam bila dete,

every other Friday,

svakog drugog petka,

I would leave my mother and stepfather's home --

bih odlazila iz doma svoje majke i očuha -

an Indian and British, atheist, Buddhist,

iz domaćinstva koje je indijsko i britansko, ateističko, budističko,

agnostic, vegetarian, new age-y sometimes,

agnostičko, vegetarijansko, ponekad i u fazonu Novog doba,

Democratic household.

demokratsko.

And I would go 1.4 miles to my father and stepmother's home

Išla bih na 2,25 kilometra u dom svog oca i maćehe

and enter a white, Evangelical Christian,

i ušla bih u porodicu koja je bila belačka, evangelistička,

conservative, Republican,

konzervativna, republikanska,

twice-a-week-churchgoing,

koja je išla u crkvu dvaput nedeljno

meat-eating family.

i jela meso.

It doesn't take a shrink to explain how I ended up

Ne treba vam psihijatar da objasni kako sam završila

in the field of conflict resolution.

u oblasti konfliktologije.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Whether I was facilitating dialogues in Charlottesville or Istanbul

Bilo da sam posredovala u dijalozima u Šarlotsvilu, Istanbulu

or Ahmedabad,

ili Ahmedabadu,

the challenge was always the same:

izazov je uvek bio isti:

despite all odds,

uprkos svim izgledima,

and with integrity,

i sa integritetom,

how do you get people to connect meaningfully,

kako da postignete da se ljudi smisleno povežu,

to take risks,

da rizikuju,

to be changed by their experience?

da dožive promenu pod uticajem iskustva?

And I would witness extraordinarily beautiful electricity in those rooms.

Prisustvovala bih izuzetno lepoj energiji u tim prostorijama.

And then I would leave those rooms

A potom bih napustila te prostorije

and attend my everyday gatherings like all of you --

i prisustvovala svakodnevnim skupovima kao i svi vi -

a wedding or a conference or a back-to-school picnic --

venčanju, konferenciji ili pikniku povodom povratka u školu -

and many would fall flat.

i mnogi ne bi imali isti efekat.

There was a meaning gap

Postojao je procep u smislenosti

between these high-intensity conflict groups

između tih konfliktnih grupa visokog intenziteta

and my everyday gatherings.

i mojih svakodnevnih okupljanja.

Now, you could say, sure, somebody's birthday party

Mogli biste reći, naravno, nečija rođendanska žurka

isn't going to live up to a race dialogue,

neće biti na nivou dijaloga o rasi,

but that's not what I was responding to.

ali to nije ono na šta sam reagovala.

As a facilitator,

Kao posrednik u dijalogu,

you're taught to strip everything away

naučena sam da sve sklonim na stranu

and focus on the interaction between people,

i fokusiram se na interakciju između ljudi,

whereas everyday hosts focus on getting the things right --

dok se domaćini u svakodnevnom životu fokusiraju da stvari budu kako treba -

the food, the flowers, the fish knives --

hrana, cveće, pribor za jelo -

and leave the interaction between people largely to chance.

a interakciju između ljudi većim delom prepuste slučaju.

So I began to wonder how we might change our everyday gatherings

Počela sam da razmišljam kako možemo promeniti svakodnevna okupljanja

to focus on making meaning by human connection,

da bismo se fokusirali na stvaranje smisla i povezivanje ljudi,

not obsessing with the canapés.

bez opterećivanja keteringom.

And I set out and interviewed dozens of brave and unusual hosts --

Krenula sam da intervjuišem desetine hrabrih i neobičnih domaćina -

an Olympic hockey coach, a Cirque du Soleil choreographer,

trenera olimpijskog hokeja, koreografa Sirka du Solejl,

a rabbi, a camp counselor--

rabina, savetnika u kampu -

to better understand what creates meaningful

da bih bolje razumela šta stvara smislena,

and even transformative gatherings.

pa čak i transformativna okupljanja.

And I want to share with you some of what I learned today

Htela bih da danas podelim sa vama deo onoga što sam naučila

about the new rules of gathering.

o novim pravilima okupljanja.

So when most people plan a gathering,

Kada većina ljudi planira okupljanje,

they start with an off-the-rack format.

počinju unapred razrađenim pristupom.

Birthday party? Cake and candles.

Rođendanska žurka? Torta i svećice.

Board meeting?

Sastanak rukovodstva?

One brown table, 12 white men.

Jedan braon sto, 12 muškaraca bele rase.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Assuming the purpose is obvious, we skip too quickly to form.

Pretpostavimo da je svrha očigledna i prebrzo prelazimo na formu.

This not only leads to dull and repetitive gatherings,

To ne samo da dovodi do dosadnih i jednoličnih okupljanja,

it misses a deeper opportunity

već i propušta dublju priliku

to actually address our needs.

da se zaista bavimo svojim potrebama.

The first step of creating more meaningful everyday gatherings

Prvi korak pri stvaranju smislenijih svakodnevnih okupljanja

is to embrace a specific disputable purpose.

je prihvatanje određene sporne svrhe.

An expectant mother I know was dreading her baby shower.

Jedna trudnica koju znam se užasavala žurke pred dolazak svoje bebe.

The idea of "pin the diaper on the baby" games

Ideja o igrama tipa „zakači pelenu na bebu“

and opening gifts felt odd and irrelevant.

i o otvaranju poklona činila se čudno i beznačajno.

So she paused to ask:

Zastala je i zapitala se

What is the purpose of a baby shower?

koja je svrha žurke pred porođaj.

What is my need at this moment?

Koja je moja potreba u ovom trenutku?

And she realized it was to address her fears

Shvatila je da je to bavljenje strahom

of her and her husband's -- remember that guy? --

od njenog i muževljevog - sećate se tog tipa? -

transition to parenthood.

prelaska u roditeljstvo.

And so she asked two friends to invent a gathering based on that.

Zatražila je od dve prijateljice da osmisle okupljanje na osnovu toga.

And so on a sunny afternoon, six women gathered.

I tako se jednog sunčanog popodneva okupilo šest žena.

And first, to address her fear of labor -- she was terrified --

Najpre, da bi se pozabavile njenim strahom od porođaja - bila je prestravljena -

they told her stories from her life

pričale su priče iz njenog života

to remind her of the characteristics she already carries --

kako bi je podsetile na osobine koje već poseduje -

bravery, wonder, faith, surrender --

hrabrost, radoznalost, veru, posvećenost -

that they believed would carry her and help her in labor as well.

za koje su smatrale da će je ohrabriiti i pomoći joj i pri porođaju.

And as they spoke, they tied a bead for each quality into a necklace

Dok su govorile, za svaku osobinu bi zakačile perlu na ogrlicu

that she could wear around her neck in the delivery room.

koju će nositi oko vrata u porodilištu.

Next, her husband came in,

Zatim je ušao njen muž

and they wrote new vows, family vows, and spoke them aloud,

i napisali su nove zavete, porodične zavete, i čitali ih naglas,

first committing to keep their marriage central

najpre se obavezavši da će njihov brak ostati bitan

as they transitioned to parenthood,

dok prelaze u roditeljstvo,

but also future vows to their future son

ali i buduće zavete svom budućem sinu

of what they wanted to carry with them from each of their family lines

o tome šta su želeli da preuzmu od obe strane porodice,

and what would stop with this generation.

kao i šta treba da prestane sa ovom generacijom.

Then more friends came along, including men, for a dinner party.

Zatim je došlo još prijatelja, što podrazumeva i muškarce, na večeru.

And in lieu of gifts, they each brought a favorite memory from their childhood

Umesto poklona, svako je doneo omiljenu uspomenu iz detinjstva

to share with the table.

da podeli sa ljudima za stolom.

Now, you might be thinking this is a lot for a baby shower,

Možda mislite da je to mnogo za žurku povodom dolaska bebe,

or it's a little weird or it's a little intimate.

da je malo čudno ili malo intimno.

Good.

Dobro.

It's specific.

Specifično je.

It's disputable.

Otvoreno za raspravu.

It's specific to them,

Prilagođeno je njima,

just as your gathering should be specific to you.

kao što vaše okupljanje treba da bude prilagođeno vama.

The next step of creating more meaningful everyday gatherings

Naredni korak u stvaranju smislenih svakodnevnih okupljanja

is to cause good controversy.

je podsticanje dobre polemike.

You may have learned, as I did,

Možda ste naučili, kao i ja,

never to talk about sex, politics or religion at the dinner table.

da nikada ne razgovarate o seksu, politici ili religiji za vreme večere.

It's a good rule in that it preserves harmony,

To je dobro pravilo po tome što čuva harmoniju,

or that's its intention.

ili je bar to njegov cilj.

But it strips away a core ingredient of meaning, which is heat,

Ali otklanja ključni sastojak smisla, a to je uzbuđenje,

burning relevance.

goruća značajnost.

The best gatherings learn to cultivate good controversy

Najbolji skupovi nauče da neguju dobre polemike

by creating the conditions for it,

tako što stvaraju uslove za to,

because human connection is as threatened by unhealthy peace

jer ljudsku povezanost jednako ugrožava nezdravi mir

as by unhealthy conflict.

kao i nezdravi konflikt.

I was once working with an architecture firm,

Nekada sam radila sa arhitektonskom firmom

and they were at a crossroads.

koja je bila na prekretnici.

They had to figure out whether they wanted to continue to be an architecture firm

Morali su da smisle da li žele i dalje da budu arhitektonska firma

i usredsrede se na izgradnju objekata

and focus on the construction of buildings

ili da se preorijentišu i postanu nešto najnovije, dizajnerska firma,

or pivot and become the hot new thing, a design firm,

focusing on beyond the construction of spaces.

pri čemu bi se usmerili na ono nakon konstrukcije prostora.

And there was real disagreement in the room,

U prostoriji je postojalo stvarno neslaganje,

but you wouldn't know, because no one was actually speaking up publicly.

ali se to nije moglo primetiti jer se niko nije javno izjašnjavao.

Zato smo sproveli dobru polemiku.

And so we hosted good controversy.

After a lunch break, all the architects came back,

Nakon pauze za ručak, sve arhitekte su se vratile,

and we hosted a cage match.

i poveli smo bokserski meč.

They walked in,

Ušli su,

we took one architect, put him in one corner to represent architecture,

uzeli smo jednog arhitektu i stavili ga u jedan ugao da zastupa arhitekturu,

the other one to represent design.

a drugog smo stavili da zastupa dizajn.

We threw white towels around their necks,

Stavili smo im bele peškire oko vrata,

stolen from the bathroom -- sorry --

ukradene iz kupatila - izvinjavam se -

played Rocky music on an iPad,

puštali muziku iz „Rokija“ na ajpedu,

got each a Don King-like manager

dodelili im po jednog menadžera poput Dona Kinga

to rev them up and prepare them with counterarguments,

da ih podstrekne i pripremi ih kontraargumentima,

and then basically made them each argue the best possible argument

i onda ih u suštini naveli da raspravljaju koji je najbolji mogući argument

of each future vision.

za svaku od vizija za budućnost.

The norm of politeness was blocking their progress.

Norma ljubaznosti je blokirala njihov napredak.

And we then had everybody else physically choose a side

I rekli smo onda da svi ostali fizički odaberu stranu

in front of their colleagues.

pred svojim kolegama.

And because they were able to actually show where they stood,

I pošto su mogli da pokažu koju stranu zastupaju,

they broke an impasse.

prekinuli su zastoj.

Architecture won.

Arhitektura je pobedila.

So that's work.

Dakle, to je u poslovnom svetu.

What about a hypothetical tense Thanksgiving dinner?

A šta mislite o hipotetičkoj napetoj večeri na Dan zahvalnosti?

Anyone?

Niko ne reaguje?

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

So first, ask the purpose.

Dakle, najpre tražite svrhu.

What does this family need this year?

Šta je ovoj porodici potrebno ove godine?

If cultivating good heat is part of it,

Ako je deo tih potreba negovanje dobrog uzbuđenja,

then try for a night banning opinions and asking for stories instead.

onda pokušajte da zabranite iznošenje mišljenja na jednu noć

i tražite priče umesto toga.

Choose a theme related to the underlying conflict.

Izaberite temu koja se odnosi na postojeći konflikt.

But instead of opinions,

Ali umesto mišljenja,

ask everybody to share a story from their life and experience

zamolite sve da podele priču iz svog života i iskustva

that nobody around the table has ever heard,

za koju nijedna osoba za stolom nije čula,

to difference or to belonging

o različitosti ili o pripadanju,

or to a time I changed my mind,

ili o trenutku kada je osoba promenila mišljenje,

giving people a way in to each other

čime se ljudima daje način da se međusobno približe,

without burning the house down.

a da ne izvrnu kuću naglavačke.

And finally, to create more meaningful everyday gatherings,

I najzad, da biste stvorili smislenija svakodnevna okupljanja,

create a temporary alternative world

stvorite privremeni alternativni svet

through the use of pop-up rules.

primenom privremenih pravila.

A few years ago, I started noticing invitations coming with a set of rules.

Pre nekoliko godina sam počela da primećujem pozivnice

uz koje su išla pravila.

Kind of boring or controlling, right?

Malo dosadno ili kontrolišuće, je l' da?

Wrong.

Pogrešno.

In this multicultural, intersectional society,

U ovom multikulturalnom, intersekcijskom društvu,

where more of us are gathered and raised

gde sve više nas okupljaju i odgajaju

by people and with etiquette unlike our own,

ljudi i pravila ponašanja koji se razlikuju od naših,

where we don't share the etiquette,

gde ne delimo propisana ponašanja,

unspoken norms are trouble,

nezapisane norme su problem,

whereas pop-up rules allow us to connect meaningfully.

dok nam privremena pravila omogućavaju da se povežemo na smislen način.

They're one-time-only constitutions for a specific purpose.

Ona su kao ustav namenjen samo jednoj određenoj svrsi.

So a team dinner,

Na primer, timska večera,

where different generations are gathering

na kojoj se okupljaju različite generacije

and don't share the same assumptions of phone etiquette:

i ne dele iste pretpostavke o kulturi korišćenja telefona:

whoever looks at their phone first

ko prvi pogleda telefon,

foots the bill.

taj plaća račun.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Try it.

Probajte.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

For an entrepreneurial advice circle of just strangers,

U preduzetničkom savetničkom krugu u kome su isključivo neznanci,

where the hosts don't want everybody to just listen

gde domaćini ne žele da svi samo slušaju

to the one venture capitalist in the room --

onog rizičnog kapitalistu u prostoriji -

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

knowing laugh --

znalački smeh -

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

you can't reveal what you do for a living.

ne smete da otkrijete kojim se poslom bavite.

For a mom's dinner,

Na večeri sa majkama,

where you want to upend the norms

gde želite da preokrenete norme u vezi sa tim o čemu žene,

of what women who also happen to be mothers talk about when they gather,

koje su usput i majke, pričaju kada se okupe,

if you talk about your kids, you have to take a shot.

ako govorite o svojoj deci, morate da popijete piće naiskap.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

That's a real dinner.

To je prava večera.

Rules are powerful,

Pravila su moćna,

because they allow us to temporarily change and harmonize our behavior.

jer nam omogućavaju da privremeno promenimo i uskladimo ponašanje.

And in diverse societies,

A u raznovrsnim društvima

pop-up rules carry special force.

kratkoročna pravila imaju posebnu snagu.

Omogućavaju nam da se okupimo uprkos različitosti,

They allow us to gather across difference,

to connect,

da se povežemo,

to make meaning together

da zajedno stvaramo svrhu,

without having to be the same.

a da pri tom ne moramo biti isti.

When I was a child,

Kada sam bila dete,

I navigated my two worlds by becoming a chameleon.

snalazila sam se u svoja dva sveta tako što bih postala kameleon.

If somebody sneezed in my mother's home,

Ako bi neko kinuo u kući moje majke,

I would say, "Bless you,"

rekla bih: „Nazdravlje,“

in my father's, "God bless you."

a kod oca: „Bog ti dao zdravlje.“

To protect myself, I hid,

Da bih se zaštitila, krila sam se,

as so many of us do.

kao što to čine mnogi među nama.

And it wasn't until I grew up and through conflict work

I tek kad sam odrasla i radila na konfliktima,

that I began to stop hiding.

počela sam da prestajem sa skrivanjem.

And I realized that gatherings for me,

Shvatila sam da okupljanja za mene,

at their best,

u najboljem slučaju,

allow us to be among others,

omogućavaju da budemo među drugima,

to be seen for who we are,

da nas drugi vide onakvim kakvi jesmo,

and to see.

i da bismo mi videli.

The way we gather matters

Način na koji se okupljamo je važan

because how we gather

jer kako se okupljamo,

is how we live.

tako i živimo.

Thank you.

Hvala.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)