3 steps to turn everyday get-togethers into transformative gatherings | Priya Parker

譯者: Helen Chang 審譯者: Bruce Sung

When I was a child,

小時候

every other Friday,

每隔一個星期五，

I would leave my mother and stepfather's home --

我會離開生母和繼父的家——

an Indian and British, atheist, Buddhist,

他們是印度人和英國人、

無神論者、佛教徒、

agnostic, vegetarian, new age-y sometimes,

不可知論者，吃素，

三不五時參與新時代運動，

Democratic household.

是個民主黨的家庭。

And I would go 1.4 miles to my father and stepmother's home

我會去 1.4 英里外 生父和繼母的家，

and enter a white, Evangelical Christian,

進入白人、福音派基督徒、

conservative, Republican,

保守派、共和黨的生活，

twice-a-week-churchgoing,

每週兩次去教會，

meat-eating family.

吃葷。

It doesn't take a shrink to explain how I ended up

無需心理治療師來解釋

我何以進了解決衝突這一行。

in the field of conflict resolution.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Whether I was facilitating dialogues in Charlottesville or Istanbul

無論我是在夏律第鎮、伊斯坦堡，

or Ahmedabad,

還是在阿默達巴德促成對談，

the challenge was always the same:

總是面對一樣的挑戰：

despite all odds,

儘管存在著各種困難，

and with integrity,

而且要保持誠信，

how do you get people to connect meaningfully,

你如何完整地讓人們 有意義地聯繫，

to take risks,

願意承擔風險，

to be changed by their experience?

透過經驗來改變呢？

And I would witness extraordinarily beautiful electricity in those rooms.

我在那裡見證到非凡振奮的狀態。

And then I would leave those rooms

離開那裡，

and attend my everyday gatherings like all of you --

我參加你們一般的日常聚會——

a wedding or a conference or a back-to-school picnic --

婚禮、會議或校友聚餐——

and many would fall flat.

許多不如預期。

There was a meaning gap

在那些高度衝突團體

between these high-intensity conflict groups

和我的日常聚會之間

and my everyday gatherings.

存在著意義上的差距。

Now, you could say, sure, somebody's birthday party

你會說：

某人的生日聚會和種族對話 當然不可同日而語。

isn't going to live up to a race dialogue,

but that's not what I was responding to.

但那不是我的回應。

As a facilitator,

身為（衝突對談的）主持人，

you're taught to strip everything away

你學到必須剝離一切，

and focus on the interaction between people,

專注於人與人之間的互動，

whereas everyday hosts focus on getting the things right --

而日常的主持人 則專注於把事做好——

the food, the flowers, the fish knives --

食物、鮮花、切魚刀之類的——

and leave the interaction between people largely to chance.

多半讓人們之間隨機互動。

So I began to wonder how we might change our everyday gatherings

因此我開始思考 如何改變我們的日常聚會，

to focus on making meaning by human connection,

專注於透過聯繫人與人來產生意義，

not obsessing with the canapés.

而不執著於小點心。

And I set out and interviewed dozens of brave and unusual hosts --

我採訪了數十位勇敢 而且非比尋常的主持人——

an Olympic hockey coach, a Cirque du Soleil choreographer,

有奧林匹克曲棍球教練、 太陽馬戲團編舞家、

a rabbi, a camp counselor--

（熟稔猶太律法的）拉比、 營地輔導員——

to better understand what creates meaningful

以更了解到底是什麼創造了有意義，

and even transformative gatherings.

甚至脫胎換骨的聚會。

And I want to share with you some of what I learned today

今天我想與大家分享

我學到一些聚會新規則。

about the new rules of gathering.

So when most people plan a gathering,

大多數人規劃聚會

they start with an off-the-rack format.

從現成的格式著手。

Birthday party? Cake and candles.

生日聚會？準備蛋糕和蠟燭。

Board meeting?

董事會？

One brown table, 12 white men.

安排一張棕色的桌子 和 12 個白人男子。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Assuming the purpose is obvious, we skip too quickly to form.

預設（會議的）目的顯而易見， 我們飛快地照既定格式著手安排。

This not only leads to dull and repetitive gatherings,

這不僅會導致沉悶和重複的聚會，

it misses a deeper opportunity

還會錯失實際滿足 我們更深需求層次的機會。

to actually address our needs.

The first step of creating more meaningful everyday gatherings

要創造更有意義的日常聚會

is to embrace a specific disputable purpose.

首先是擁抱一個特定 而可以商榷的宗旨。

An expectant mother I know was dreading her baby shower.

我認識一位準媽媽 憂心她的產前派對。

The idea of "pin the diaper on the baby" games

她覺得「將尿布釘在嬰兒身上」那遊戲

and opening gifts felt odd and irrelevant.

和拆開禮物既奇怪又無關緊要。

So she paused to ask:

所以她停下來問：

What is the purpose of a baby shower?

產前派對的目的是什麼？

What is my need at this moment?

我此時需要什麼？

And she realized it was to address her fears

她意識到這是為了解決 她和她丈夫的恐懼——

of her and her husband's -- remember that guy? --

還記得那個男人嗎？——

transition to parenthood.

兩人過渡到為人父母身份的恐懼。

And so she asked two friends to invent a gathering based on that.

所以她讓兩個朋友 發明基於此目的的聚會。

And so on a sunny afternoon, six women gathered.

在一個陽光明媚的下午， 六位女士聚集在一起。

And first, to address her fear of labor -- she was terrified --

首先要解決她極度畏懼的產痛。

they told her stories from her life

她們告訴她生活中的故事，

to remind her of the characteristics she already carries --

提醒她已經擁有的特質——

bravery, wonder, faith, surrender --

勇敢、好奇、信心、順服——

that they believed would carry her and help her in labor as well.

她們相信這些特質也會 引領和幫助她度過產痛。

And as they spoke, they tied a bead for each quality into a necklace

她們每說一項特質， 就在項鍊上串一粒珠子，

that she could wear around her neck in the delivery room.

讓她戴在脖子上進產房。

Next, her husband came in,

接下來，她的丈夫進來了，

and they wrote new vows, family vows, and spoke them aloud,

他們寫下新的誓言， 家的誓言，大聲說出來。

first committing to keep their marriage central

先是承諾在過渡到父母身份時

as they transitioned to parenthood,

保持以婚姻為中心，

but also future vows to their future son

還有對未來兒子的誓言，

of what they wanted to carry with them from each of their family lines

裡頭有他們希望 傳給未來兒子的兩家傳承，

and what would stop with this generation.

和到他們這一代為止 不再往下傳的部分。

Then more friends came along, including men, for a dinner party.

然後有更多的朋友 來參加晚宴，包括男士。

And in lieu of gifts, they each brought a favorite memory from their childhood

取代禮物的是每個人帶來 他們童年時期最喜愛的記憶

to share with the table.

與大家分享。

Now, you might be thinking this is a lot for a baby shower,

你或許認為這樣的 產前派對太小題大作了，

or it's a little weird or it's a little intimate.

有點奇怪，過於親密了些。

Good.

好。

It's specific.

這很具體，

It's disputable.

具爭議性，

It's specific to them,

是針對他們訂做的，

just as your gathering should be specific to you.

就像你的聚會應該針對你訂做那樣。

The next step of creating more meaningful everyday gatherings

創造更有意義的日常聚會的下一步

is to cause good controversy.

是引起良性的爭議。

You may have learned, as I did,

你可能像我一樣學到

never to talk about sex, politics or religion at the dinner table.

不要在餐桌上談論性、政治或宗教。

It's a good rule in that it preserves harmony,

這是一個很好的規則， 它保持和諧，

or that's its intention.

起碼那是它的意圖。

But it strips away a core ingredient of meaning, which is heat,

但它剝奪了意義的核心要素，

也就是熱度，

burning relevance.

迫切的相關性。

The best gatherings learn to cultivate good controversy

最好的聚會學習培養良好的爭議，

by creating the conditions for it,

靠的是透創造環境條件。

because human connection is as threatened by unhealthy peace

因為不健康的和平 與不健康的衝突一樣，

都會威脅人類的聯繫。

as by unhealthy conflict.

I was once working with an architecture firm,

我曾和一家建築公司合作，

and they were at a crossroads.

他們正處於十字路口。

They had to figure out whether they wanted to continue to be an architecture firm

他們必須弄清楚 是否想繼續當建築公司，

專注於建築物，

and focus on the construction of buildings

or pivot and become the hot new thing, a design firm,

或轉型為熱門的、新的設計公司，

focusing on beyond the construction of spaces.

專注的不僅僅是空間的建設。

And there was real disagreement in the room,

房間裡確實存在著分歧，

but you wouldn't know, because no one was actually speaking up publicly.

但你不會知道，

因為沒有人真正公開發言。

於是我們為爭議作東。

And so we hosted good controversy.

After a lunch break, all the architects came back,

午休後，建築師全都回來了，

and we hosted a cage match.

我們辦了場「籠中格鬥」。

They walked in,

他們進了會議室，

we took one architect, put him in one corner to represent architecture,

我們把一位建築師帶到角落代表建築，

the other one to represent design.

另一個代表設計。

We threw white towels around their necks,

我們在他們的脖子上掛了白毛巾——

stolen from the bathroom -- sorry --

抱歉，從浴室偷來的——

played Rocky music on an iPad,

用 iPad 播放《洛基》電影配樂，

got each a Don King-like manager

給兩人各一個像唐·金那樣的經理

to rev them up and prepare them with counterarguments,

使他們活躍起來，還為他們準備反駁，

and then basically made them each argue the best possible argument

基本上讓他們二人辯論

各自未來願景的最佳論點。

of each future vision.

The norm of politeness was blocking their progress.

慣常的禮貌規範阻礙了進步。

And we then had everybody else physically choose a side

接著我們讓其他人

在同事面前選擇立場。

in front of their colleagues.

And because they were able to actually show where they stood,

正因為能夠真正展示他們的立場，

they broke an impasse.

他們打破了僵局。

Architecture won.

建築那一邊贏了。

So that's work.

這就是工作。

What about a hypothetical tense Thanksgiving dinner?

來個假想的、緊張的 感恩節晚餐如何？

Anyone?

有人有過嗎？

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

So first, ask the purpose.

首先，問目的。

What does this family need this year?

這個家庭今年需要什麼？

If cultivating good heat is part of it,

如果培養好熱度是其中的一部分，

then try for a night banning opinions and asking for stories instead.

那麼試著禁談觀點，只講故事。

Choose a theme related to the underlying conflict.

選擇與潛在衝突相關的主題。

But instead of opinions,

但是，不要發表意見，

ask everybody to share a story from their life and experience

而是要求每個人分享 他們生活和經歷中的故事，

that nobody around the table has ever heard,

同桌沒有任何人聽過的故事，

to difference or to belonging

相異、相屬，

or to a time I changed my mind,

或個人改變主意的時刻，

giving people a way in to each other

彼此讓步，

without burning the house down.

不吵翻天。

And finally, to create more meaningful everyday gatherings,

最後是建立更有意義的日常聚會，

create a temporary alternative world

透過使用彈出式規則

through the use of pop-up rules.

創建一個臨時的替代世界。

A few years ago, I started noticing invitations coming with a set of rules.

幾年前，我開始注意到 帶有一些規則的邀請。

Kind of boring or controlling, right?

有點無聊或受控制，對吧？

Wrong.

錯了。

In this multicultural, intersectional society,

在這個交叉著多元文化的社會裡，

where more of us are gathered and raised

有許多與我們成長經歷的不同禮儀，

by people and with etiquette unlike our own,

where we don't share the etiquette,

大家有不同的禮儀規範。

unspoken norms are trouble,

未說出口的規範會導致麻煩，

whereas pop-up rules allow us to connect meaningfully.

而彈出式規則允許我們有意義地聯繫。

They're one-time-only constitutions for a specific purpose.

它們是針對特定目的的一次性憲法。

So a team dinner,

因此，團隊共進晚餐，

where different generations are gathering

不同代的人聚集在一起，

and don't share the same assumptions of phone etiquette:

不預設電話禮儀相同：

whoever looks at their phone first

誰先看手機，

foots the bill.

誰就買單。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Try it.

試試吧。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

For an entrepreneurial advice circle of just strangers,

在陌生人的創業建議圈裡，

where the hosts don't want everybody to just listen

主持人不希望人人只聽

to the one venture capitalist in the room --

屋裡的風險資本家說話——

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

knowing laugh --

會心的笑——

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

you can't reveal what you do for a living.

你不能透露你的職業。

For a mom's dinner,

至於媽媽的晚餐會，

where you want to upend the norms

你要改變常態，

of what women who also happen to be mothers talk about when they gather,

改變有孩子的女人的聚會話題，

if you talk about your kids, you have to take a shot.

如果你談論媽媽經

就得乾一杯。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

That's a real dinner.

那才是真正的晚餐。

Rules are powerful,

規則強而有力，

because they allow us to temporarily change and harmonize our behavior.

因為規則令我們暫時 改變和協調我們的行為。

And in diverse societies,

在多元社會裡，

pop-up rules carry special force.

彈出式規則具有特殊的力量。

它讓我們跨越差異，

They allow us to gather across difference,

to connect,

連結在一起，

to make meaning together

共同創造意義，

without having to be the same.

無需人人相同。

When I was a child,

我在兒時

I navigated my two worlds by becoming a chameleon.

透過成為一個變色龍 來駕馭我的兩個世界。

If somebody sneezed in my mother's home,

如果有人在我生母的家裡打噴嚏，

I would say, "Bless you,"

我會說：「保佑你，」

in my father's, "God bless you."

在生父的家裡則說： 「『上帝』保佑你。」

To protect myself, I hid,

為了保護自己，我隱藏自己，

as so many of us do.

許多人也是如此。

And it wasn't until I grew up and through conflict work

直到我長大並從事化解衝突的工作，

that I began to stop hiding.

我不再隱藏了。

And I realized that gatherings for me,

我意識到，對我來說，

at their best,

最好的聚會讓我們與別人打成一片，

allow us to be among others,

to be seen for who we are,

讓別人看到我們是誰，

and to see.

我們自己也看到。

The way we gather matters

我們聚集的方式很重要，

because how we gather

因為我們的聚集方式

is how we live.

就是我們的生活方式。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）