3 steps to turn everyday get-togethers into transformative gatherings | Priya Parker

翻译人员: Isabel Z 校对人员: Wang Rui

When I was a child,

当我还是个孩子的时候，

every other Friday,

每个周五

I would leave my mother and stepfather's home --

我都会离开我妈妈和继父的家——

an Indian and British, atheist, Buddhist,

一个英国和印度结合的， 不信神明的，信仰佛教的，

agnostic, vegetarian, new age-y sometimes,

不可知论的，素食主义的， 有时还有些前卫的

Democratic household.

民主制度的家庭。

And I would go 1.4 miles to my father and stepmother's home

然后我会走两公里多的路， 去我爸爸和继母的家，

and enter a white, Evangelical Christian,

进入一个白色的，福音派基督教的，

conservative, Republican,

保守的，共和党的，

twice-a-week-churchgoing,

每周去两次教堂

meat-eating family.

并且吃肉的家庭。

It doesn't take a shrink to explain how I ended up

不需要心理学家来解释

我是如何进入冲突解决领域的。

in the field of conflict resolution.

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Whether I was facilitating dialogues in Charlottesville or Istanbul

无论我是在夏洛茨维尔， 伊斯坦布尔，还是阿默达巴德

or Ahmedabad,

促进人们的对话，

the challenge was always the same:

面对的挑战永远是一样的：

despite all odds,

尽管有各种各样的困难，

and with integrity,

还要保持诚信，

how do you get people to connect meaningfully,

怎样让人们有意义的联系起来，

to take risks,

去冒险，

to be changed by their experience?

通过他们的经历做出改变呢？

And I would witness extraordinarily beautiful electricity in those rooms.

我会在这些房间里 看到异常美丽的火花，

And then I would leave those rooms

然后我会离开这些房间，

and attend my everyday gatherings like all of you --

像你们一样 去参加我每天的聚会，

a wedding or a conference or a back-to-school picnic --

婚礼，会议或者是返校野餐，

and many would fall flat.

而且大多数会归于平淡。

There was a meaning gap

这些高度矛盾的群体

和我的日常聚会之间，

between these high-intensity conflict groups

and my everyday gatherings.

有一个明显的差距。

Now, you could say, sure, somebody's birthday party

你可能会说， 在某人的生日会上

isn't going to live up to a race dialogue,

肯定不会出现关于矛盾的对话，

but that's not what I was responding to.

但那不是我要回应的。

As a facilitator,

作为一个促进者，

you're taught to strip everything away

你被教导抛开所有的事情，

and focus on the interaction between people,

专注于人与人之间的相互影响，

whereas everyday hosts focus on getting the things right --

然而每天，主持者 都关注怎么把事情做好

the food, the flowers, the fish knives --

——食物，鲜花，餐刀——

and leave the interaction between people largely to chance.

并且把人与人之间的交流 很大程度上留给机遇。

So I began to wonder how we might change our everyday gatherings

所以我开始思考 怎样才能改变我们日常的聚会，

to focus on making meaning by human connection,

专注于通过人与人的联系来创造意义，

not obsessing with the canapés.

而不是沉迷于开胃菜。

And I set out and interviewed dozens of brave and unusual hosts --

我开始去采访一些 勇敢的，与众不同的人——

an Olympic hockey coach, a Cirque du Soleil choreographer,

一位奥林匹克曲棍球教练， 一位太阳马戏团的编舞者，

a rabbi, a camp counselor--

一位犹太教士， 一位营地顾问——

to better understand what creates meaningful

去更好地了解 是什么创造了有意义的

and even transformative gatherings.

甚至是改革性的聚会。

And I want to share with you some of what I learned today

我想与你们分享一些 我今天学到的

about the new rules of gathering.

关于聚会的新规则。

So when most people plan a gathering,

当大多数人计划聚会的时候，

they start with an off-the-rack format.

他们从现成的方式开始。

Birthday party? Cake and candles.

生日聚会？ 蛋糕和蜡烛。

Board meeting?

董事会议？

One brown table, 12 white men.

一个棕色的桌子和十二个白人。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Assuming the purpose is obvious, we skip too quickly to form.

假设目的是显而易见的， 我们都急匆匆的直奔目的。

This not only leads to dull and repetitive gatherings,

这不仅带来了沉闷的， 千篇一律的聚会，

it misses a deeper opportunity

还错过了更深层次的

to actually address our needs.

满足我们需求的机会。

The first step of creating more meaningful everyday gatherings

创造有意义的日常聚会的第一步

is to embrace a specific disputable purpose.

是包含一个特定的有争议的目标。

An expectant mother I know was dreading her baby shower.

我认识的一位准妈妈 为产前派对感到担忧。

The idea of "pin the diaper on the baby" games

“将尿布别在宝宝身上”的游戏

and opening gifts felt odd and irrelevant.

和打开礼物的想法 有些奇怪并且不扣主体。

So she paused to ask:

所以她停下来问：

What is the purpose of a baby shower?

产前派对的目的是什么？

What is my need at this moment?

我在这个时候的需求是什么？

And she realized it was to address her fears

她意识到，这是为了消除

of her and her husband's -- remember that guy? --

她和她丈夫向父母转变的—— 记得这个家伙吗？——

transition to parenthood.

那种担心。

And so she asked two friends to invent a gathering based on that.

于是她请她的两个好友 在这个基础上组织一个聚会。

And so on a sunny afternoon, six women gathered.

在一个阳光明朗的下午， 六个女人聚在一起。

And first, to address her fear of labor -- she was terrified --

首先谈了谈她对分娩的恐惧—— 她很害怕——

they told her stories from her life

她们给她讲了一些她生活中的故事

to remind her of the characteristics she already carries --

来提醒她她已经具备的一些特点——

bravery, wonder, faith, surrender --

勇敢，能干，信仰，顺服——

that they believed would carry her and help her in labor as well.

她们相信这些会带给她帮助， 也会在分娩时帮助她。

And as they spoke, they tied a bead for each quality into a necklace

她们每说一个品质， 就将一颗珠子串在项链上，

that she could wear around her neck in the delivery room.

这样她可以在产房里 将项链戴在脖子上。

Next, her husband came in,

接着，她的丈夫进来，

and they wrote new vows, family vows, and spoke them aloud,

他们写下新的誓约， 家庭誓约，并大声地读出来，

first committing to keep their marriage central

首先承诺当他们的身份 转变为父母时，

as they transitioned to parenthood,

要保持自己的婚姻的核心位置，

but also future vows to their future son

但同时，他们还向未来的儿子期许，

of what they wanted to carry with them from each of their family lines

里面包含了他们希望儿子 从两个家族继承的东西

and what would stop with this generation.

和到这一代为止 不会再继续传下去的部分。

Then more friends came along, including men, for a dinner party.

接着，更多的朋友来 参加晚宴，包括男士。

And in lieu of gifts, they each brought a favorite memory from their childhood

取代礼物的是他们每个人都带来了 他们儿时最好的记忆

to share with the table.

与大家分享。

Now, you might be thinking this is a lot for a baby shower,

现在你可能会觉得 这对于产前派对有点小题大做了，

or it's a little weird or it's a little intimate.

或者有点奇怪， 或者是过于亲密了。

Good.

很好。

It's specific.

这很具体。

It's disputable.

这是有争议的。

It's specific to them,

这是为他们详细制定的，

就像是你自己的聚会 应该针对你自己的情况。

just as your gathering should be specific to you.

The next step of creating more meaningful everyday gatherings

创造更加有意义的 日常聚会的下一个步骤，

is to cause good controversy.

是引起良好的争端。

You may have learned, as I did,

你可能跟我一样学到了，

never to talk about sex, politics or religion at the dinner table.

不要在餐桌上谈论性， 政治或者宗教。

It's a good rule in that it preserves harmony,

这是一个好的规则， 它保持了和谐，

or that's its intention.

或者这就是它的意图。

But it strips away a core ingredient of meaning, which is heat,

但是这剥夺了意义的 核心要素，即热度，

burning relevance.

强烈的相关性。

The best gatherings learn to cultivate good controversy

最好的聚会应该通过创造条件

by creating the conditions for it,

来学习培养良好的争端，

because human connection is as threatened by unhealthy peace

不健康的和平和不健康的冲突

as by unhealthy conflict.

同样威胁着人类的联系。

I was once working with an architecture firm,

我处理过一所建筑公司的案子，

and they were at a crossroads.

他们面临着艰难的抉择。

They had to figure out whether they wanted to continue to be an architecture firm

他们必须弄清楚 到底应该继续作为建筑公司

致力于打造建筑，

and focus on the construction of buildings

还是应该转型成为一家新型设计公司，

or pivot and become the hot new thing, a design firm,

focusing on beyond the construction of spaces.

也专注于空间建造之外的领域。

And there was real disagreement in the room,

大家的意见存在分歧，

but you wouldn't know, because no one was actually speaking up publicly.

但是你并不知道， 因为没有人开诚布公地说出来。

于是我们主持了一场积极的辩论。

And so we hosted good controversy.

After a lunch break, all the architects came back,

在午休结束后， 所有的建筑师们回到办公室，

and we hosted a cage match.

于是我们举办了一场铁笼赛。

They walked in,

他们走进去，

we took one architect, put him in one corner to represent architecture,

我们将一个建筑师 带到一个角落代表建筑，

the other one to represent design.

另外一个代表设计。

我们将白色毛巾挂在他们的脖子上，

We threw white towels around their necks,

从浴室偷来的 ——抱歉——

stolen from the bathroom -- sorry --

played Rocky music on an iPad,

在ipad上播放“洛奇”配乐，

got each a Don King-like manager

给每个人一个像唐·金那样的经理，

to rev them up and prepare them with counterarguments,

为他们加油鼓劲儿， 并为他们准备辩论，

and then basically made them each argue the best possible argument

接着让他们为各自未来的愿景

提出最好的，可能的观点。

of each future vision.

The norm of politeness was blocking their progress.

常规的礼貌阻碍了他们的进程。

And we then had everybody else physically choose a side

接着我们让其他人在同事面前

in front of their colleagues.

选择自己的立场。

And because they were able to actually show where they stood,

因为他们能够真正地展示他们的立场，

they broke an impasse.

他们打破了僵局。

Architecture won.

建筑（一方）赢了。

So that's work.

所以这是有效的。

What about a hypothetical tense Thanksgiving dinner?

一场假设的，紧张的感恩节晚餐怎么样？

Anyone?

有人要参加吗？

(Laughter)

（笑声）

So first, ask the purpose.

首先，询问目的。

What does this family need this year?

这个家庭在这一年需要什么？

If cultivating good heat is part of it,

如果培养良好的热度是其中一个部分，

then try for a night banning opinions and asking for stories instead.

那么试着用一个晚上的时间 禁止发表言论，只要求听故事。

Choose a theme related to the underlying conflict.

选择一个与潜在矛盾相关的主题。

But instead of opinions,

但是不同于（表达）观点，

ask everybody to share a story from their life and experience

让每一个人分享在场人没有听过的

that nobody around the table has ever heard,

来自他们的生活和经历的故事，

to difference or to belonging

关于差异或者归属，

or to a time I changed my mind,

或者某一次我改变主意（的故事），

giving people a way in to each other

在不吵翻天的情况下，

without burning the house down.

让人们相互接近。

And finally, to create more meaningful everyday gatherings,

最后，为了创造一个 有意义的每日聚会，

create a temporary alternative world

通过使用弹出式规则

through the use of pop-up rules.

创造一个临时的可代替的世界。

A few years ago, I started noticing invitations coming with a set of rules.

几年前，我开始注意到 邀请方会带着一系列的规则。

Kind of boring or controlling, right?

有点无聊或者受到约束，对吧？

Wrong.

错了。

In this multicultural, intersectional society,

在这个多元化的，交互的社会里，

where more of us are gathered and raised

我们中的大部分人是由 与我们遵循着不同规矩的

by people and with etiquette unlike our own,

人们召集和抚养，

where we don't share the etiquette,

我们不共享这些规矩，

unspoken norms are trouble,

潜规则会造成麻烦，

whereas pop-up rules allow us to connect meaningfully.

而弹出式规则能将我们 有意义地联系在一起。

They're one-time-only constitutions for a specific purpose.

它们是针对特定目的的一次性的体制。

So a team dinner,

所以团队聚餐，

where different generations are gathering

不同代的人聚集在一起，

and don't share the same assumptions of phone etiquette:

并不共享相同的电话礼仪假设：

whoever looks at their phone first

谁先看自己的手机，

foots the bill.

谁买单。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Try it.

试一试。

(Applause)

（掌声）

For an entrepreneurial advice circle of just strangers,

对于只有陌生人的创业咨询圈，

where the hosts don't want everybody to just listen

主办方并不想要每个人

to the one venture capitalist in the room --

只听一个风险资本家（的建议）——

(Laughter)

（笑声）

knowing laugh --

大家娄出了会心一笑——

(Laughter)

（笑声）

you can't reveal what you do for a living.

你不能透漏你自己是做什么的。

For a mom's dinner,

至于一个妈妈聚会，

where you want to upend the norms

你想要颠覆常态，

of what women who also happen to be mothers talk about when they gather,

改变那些聚会时母亲常谈论的话题，

if you talk about your kids, you have to take a shot.

如果你提到了你的孩子， 你需要干一杯。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

That's a real dinner.

这是一顿真正的晚餐。

Rules are powerful,

规则是强大的，

because they allow us to temporarily change and harmonize our behavior.

因为它们让我们临时改变 和协调我们的行为。

And in diverse societies,

在不同的社会中，

pop-up rules carry special force.

弹出式规则有着特殊的力量。

They allow us to gather across difference,

它们让我们跨越差别， 聚集起来，

to connect,

联系起来，

to make meaning together

共同创造意义

without having to be the same.

而不用人人相同。

When I was a child,

在我小时候，

I navigated my two worlds by becoming a chameleon.

我通过变成“变色龙” 来驾驭我的两个世界。

If somebody sneezed in my mother's home,

如果有人在我妈妈家里打了个喷嚏，

I would say, "Bless you,"

我会说：“保佑你。”

in my father's, "God bless you."

在我父亲家，我则会说： “‘上帝保佑你。”

To protect myself, I hid,

为了保护自己，我将自己隐藏起来，

as so many of us do.

就像我们中很多人那样。

And it wasn't until I grew up and through conflict work

直到我长大并开始从事 解决冲突的工作，

that I began to stop hiding.

我不再隐藏自己了。

And I realized that gatherings for me,

然后我意识到，对我来说，

at their best,

最好的聚会，

allow us to be among others,

让我们能和他人在一起，

to be seen for who we are,

让别人看到我们是谁，

and to see.

也让我们认识别人。

The way we gather matters

我们聚集的方式很重要，

because how we gather

因为我们怎样聚集在一起，

is how we live.

我们就是怎样生活的。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）