A juror's reflections on the death penalty | Lindy Lou Isonhood

Prevodilac: Milenka Okuka Lektor: Ivana Krivokuća

It was a Thursday,

Četvrtak je,

June the 23rd, 1994.

23. jun 1994. godine.

(Sighs)

(Uzdah)

"Collect your belongings. You are free to go.

„Pokupite svoje stvari. Slobodni ste da idete.

When escorted outside, go directly to your car.

Kada vas isprate napolje, idite direktno u automobil.

Do not talk to reporters."

Ne razgovarajte sa novinarima.“

My head is spinning,

Vrti mi se u glavi,

my heart is racing,

srce mi lupa.

I can't get a breath.

Ne mogu da dođem do daha.

I just want out of there.

Samo želim napolje.

When I get to my car,

Kada sam stigla do auta,

I throw everything on the back,

bacam sve na zadnje sedište

and I just collapse into the driver's seat.

i prosto se rušim na vozačevo sedište.

"I can't do this.

„Ne mogu to da uradim.

I can't go home to my family

Ne mogu da idem kući svojoj porodici

that I haven't seen in a week

koju nisam videla nedelju dana

and pretend to be happy."

i da se pretvaram da sam srećna.“

Not even their love and support

Čak mi ni njihova ljubav i podrška

could help me at this particular time.

nisu mogle pomoći u ovom naročitom trenutku.

We had just sentenced a man to death.

Upravo smo osudili čoveka na smrt.

Now what?

Šta sad?

Just go home and wash dishes?

Prosto da idem kući i perem sudove?

You see, in Mississippi,

Vidite, u Misisipiju,

the death penalty is like a part of our unspoken culture.

smrtna kazna je na neki način podrazumevani deo naše kulture.

The basic logic is, if you murder someone,

Osnovna logika kaže: ako ubijete nekoga,

then you're going to receive the death penalty.

dobićete smrtnu kaznu.

So when the jury selection process took place,

Zato, kad je otpočeo proces izbora porotnika,

they asked me,

upitali su me:

"Could you,

„Da li ćete moći,

if the evidence presented justified the death penalty,

ukoliko priloženi dokazi opravdavaju smrtnu kaznu,

could you deliver,

da li ćete moći da donesete,

rationally and without reservations,

racionalno i bez ustupanja,

a penalty of death?"

odluku o smrtnoj kazni?“

My answer was an astounding "yes,"

Moj odgovor je bio zaprepašćeno „da“,

and I was selected as Juror Number 2.

i ja sam odabrana kao porotnik broj dva.

The trial started.

Suđenje je počelo.

From the evidence being presented

Na osnovu priloženih dokaza

and from the pictures of the victim,

i fotografija žrtve,

my first response was, "Yes, this man is a monster,

moja prvobitna reakcija je bila: „Da, ovaj čovek je čudovište

and he deserves the death penalty."

i zaslužuje smrtnu kaznu.“

For days, I sat and looked at his hands,

Danima sam sedela i posmatrala njegove ruke,

the ones that yielded the knife,

one koje su posegnule za nožem,

and against his pasty white skin,

kao i naspram njegove bolećive bele kože,

his eyes ...

njegove oči...

Well, he spent endless days in his cell,

Proveo je beskrajne dane u svojoj ćeliji,

no sunlight,

bez sunčeve svetlosti,

so his eyes were as black as his hair and his mustache.

pa su njegove oči bile crne kao i kosa i brkovi.

He was very intimidating,

Izgledao je veoma zastrašujuće,

and there was absolutely no doubt in his guilt.

i nije postojala ni najmanja sumnja u njegovu krivicu.

But regardless of his guilt,

Međutim, bez obzira na njegovu krivicu,

as the days passed,

kako su dani prolazili,

I began to see this monster

počela sam da gledam na ovo čudovište

as a human being.

kao na ljudsko biće.

Something inside of me was changing that I just didn't understand.

Nešto u meni se menjalo i ja to prosto nisam razumela.

I was beginning to question myself

Počela sam da se preispitujem

as to whether or not I wanted to give this man the death penalty.

da li zaista želim da osudim ovog čoveka na smrtnu kaznu.

Jury deliberations began,

Počelo je većanje porotnika

and the judge gave us jury instructions

i sudija nam je dao uputstva za porotnike,

and it was to be used as a tool

a njih je trebalo da koristimo kao oruđe

in how to reach a verdict.

da dođemo do presude.

Well, using this tool only led to one decision,

Pa, upotreba ovog oruđa je dovela do samo jedne odluke,

and that was the death penalty.

a to je bila smrtna kazna.

I felt backed into a corner.

Osetila sam se sateranom u ćošak.

My head and my heart were in conflict with each other,

Moja glava i srce su bili u sukobu jedno s drugim,

and the thought of the death penalty

a od pomisli na smrtnu kaznu

made me sick.

bi mi pozlilo.

However, following the judge's instructions,

Međutim, prateći uputstva sudije,

being a law-abiding person,

budući da sam osoba koja poštuje zakon,

I gave up.

predala sam se.

I gave up and voted along with the other 11 jurors.

Predala sam se i glasala u saglasju sa 11 ostalih porotnika.

And there it was:

I eto ga:

our broken judicial system at work.

naš pokvaren sudski sistem na delu.

So here I am in my car,

Dakle, eto me u svojim kolima

and I'm wondering:

i pitam se:

How is my life ever going to be the same?

kako će moj život ikad da bude isti ponovo?

My life was kids, work, church, ball games --

Moj život su bili deca, posao, crkva, igre loptom -

just your average, normal, everyday life.

prosto prosečan, normalan, svakodnevni život.

Now everything felt trivial.

Sad se sve činilo beznačajnim.

I was going down this rabbit hole.

Propadala sam kroz ponor.

The anger, the anxiety,

Bes, anksioznost,

the guilt, the depression ...

krivica, depresija...

it just clung to me.

sve se to prosto lepilo za mene.

I knew that my life had to resume,

Znala sam da moj život mora da se nastavi,

so I sought counseling.

pa sam posegla za savetovalištem.

The counselor diagnosed me with PTSD

Savetnica mi je dijagnostikovala posttraumatski stresni poremećaj

and told me that the best way to overcome the PTSD

i rekla mi je da je najbolji način da ga prevaziđem

was to talk about the trauma.

da govorim o traumi.

However, if I talked or tried to talk about the trauma

Međutim, ako bih govorila ili pokušala da govorim o traumi

outside her office,

van njene kancelarije,

I was shut down.

ućutkivali bi me.

No one wanted to hear about it.

Niko nije želeo da sluša o tome.

He was just a murderer. Get over it.

Bio je obični ubica. Prevaziđi to.

It was then that I decided to become a silent survivor.

Tada sam odlučila da postanem tihi borac za opstanak.

Twelve years later, 2006,

Dvanaest godina kasnije, 2006. godine,

I learned that Bobby Wilcher had dropped all of his appeals,

saznala sam da je Bobi Vilčer odustao od svih žalbi

and his execution date was approaching.

i da se približava dan njegovog pogubljenja.

That was like a punch in the stomach.

To kao da me je udarilo u stomak.

All of those buried feelings just started coming back.

Sva ta zakopana osećanja su samo počela da se vraćaju.

To try and find peace, I called Bobby's attorney, and I said,

Kako bih pokušala da nađem mir, nazvala sam Bobijevog advokata i rekla:

"Can I see Bobby before he's executed?"

„Mogu li da vidim Bobija pre nego što ga pogube?“

Driving to the penitentiary on the day of his execution,

Vozeći do zatvora na dan njegovog pogubljenja,

in my mind,

u mom umu,

Bobby was going to be manic.

Bobi je trebalo da bude maničan.

But, surprisingly, he was very calm.

Međutim, na moje iznenađenje, bio je veoma smiren.

And for two hours, he and I sat there and talked about life,

I dva sata smo on i ja sedeli i razgovarali o životu,

and I got to ask him to forgive me for my hand in his death.

i ja sam stigla da ga pitam da mi oprosti zbog mog udela u njegovoj smrti.

His words to me were:

Njegove reči upućene meni su glasile:

"You don't have to apologize.

„Ne moraš da se izvinjavaš.

You didn't put me here.

Nisi me ti smestila ovde.

I did this myself.

Sam sam to uradio.

But if it'll make you feel better,

Ali ako ćeš da se osećaš bolje,

I forgive you."

opraštam ti.“

On my way home,

Na putu do kuće,

I stopped by a restaurant and bought a margarita.

zaustavila sam se ispred restorana i kupila margaritu.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

I don't think I could get one big enough --

Mislim da nisu imali dovoljno veliku -

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

to try and calm down.

kako bih pokušala da se smirim.

My phone rang.

Zazvonio mi je telefon.

It was Bobby's attorney.

To je bio Bobijev advokat.

Within two minutes of his execution,

Na dva minuta do pogubljenja,

they had given him a stay.

odobrili su mu odlaganje.

This stay gave me time

Ovo mi je dalo vremena

to reach out to Bobby.

da uspostavim kontakt sa Bobijem.

And as crazy as it may sound,

I koliko god vam blesavo zvučalo,

we became friends.

postali smo prijatelji.

Three months later,

Tri meseca kasnije,

he was executed by the State of Mississippi.

pogubljen je od strane države Misisipi.

I'm here to tell you my story,

Ovde sam da bih vam ispričala svoju priču

because it was precisely 22 years later

jer prošle su tačno 22 godine

that I even wanted to open up enough to talk about it,

pre nego što sam čak i poželela da se dovoljno otvorim i pričam o tome,

when a friend encouraged me.

kada me je prijatelj ohrabrio.

"Hey, perhaps you need to talk to the other jurors.

„Hej, možda bi trebalo da razgovaraš sa drugim porotnicima.

You've been through the same experience."

Prošli ste kroz isto iskustvo.“

Uncertain of what I was after,

Iako nesigurna za čim tragam,

I did need to talk to them.

bilo mi je potrebno da razgovaram s njima.

So I set out on my quest,

Pa sam se zaputila u pohod

and I actually found most of them.

i zapravo sam našla većinu njih.

The first juror I met

Prvi porotnik kog sam srela

thought that Bobby got what he deserved.

smatrao je da je Bobi dobio što je zaslužio.

Another juror --

Drugi porotnik -

well, they just kind of regretted that it took so long

pa, prosto je žalio što je trebalo toliko vremena

to carry the sentence out.

da se izvrši kazna.

Then one juror, and I don't know what was wrong with him,

A jedan porotnik, pojma nemam šta nije bilo u redu s njim,

but he didn't remember anything about the trial.

ali nije se sećao bilo čega u vezi sa suđenjem.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Well,

Pa,

I'm thinking in my mind,

razmišljam u sebi:

"Jeez, is this the response I'm gonna get from everybody else?"

„Isuse, da li je ovo reakcija koju ću da dobijem od svih?“

Well, thank God for Allen.

Hvala bogu na Alenu.

Allen was a gentle soul.

Alen je bio nežna duša.

And when I talked to him, he was genuinely upset

I kad sam razgovarala s njim, bio je istinski potresen

about our decision.

zbog naše odluke.

And he told me about the day that the devastation

I ispričao mi je za dan kada se razorni udarac

really set in on him and hit him.

ustremio na njega i udario ga.

He was listening to the radio,

Slušao je radio

and the radio had a list of names of men to be executed

i na radiju su čitali spisak imena muškaraca koji će da budu pogubljeni

at Parchman Penitentiary.

u zatvoru Parčman.

He heard Bobby's name,

Čuo je Bobijevo ime

and he then truly realized what he had done.

i tada je uistinu shvatio šta je uradio.

And he said, "You know, I had a responsibility in that man's death."

I rekao je: „Znaš, odgovoran sam za smrt tog čoveka.“

Now here it is, 20-something years later,

Eto ga, više od 20 godina kasnije

and Allen is still dealing with that issue.

i Alen se i dalje bavi tim pitanjem.

And he's never told anyone about it, not even his wife.

A nikad nikome nije rekao za to, čak ni svojoj supruzi.

He also told me

Takođe mi je rekao

that if the State of Mississippi wanted to keep the death penalty,

da, ukoliko država Misisipi želi da zadrži smrtnu kaznu,

then hey, they needed to provide counseling for the jurors.

onda, hej, moraju da obezbede savetovalište za porotnike.

Then the next juror I met was Jane.

Džejn je bila sledeća porotnica s kojom sam se sastala.

Jane is now totally against the death penalty,

Džejn je sad u potpunosti protiv smrtne kazne.

And there was Bill.

A tu je bio Bil.

Bill said he had this crushing depression for weeks,

Bil je rekao kako je imao depresiju koja ga je razarala nedeljama,

and when he went back to work,

i kada se vratio na posao,

his colleagues would say things to him like,

kolege bi mu govorile stvari poput:

"Hey, did you fry him?"

„Hej, jesi li ga spržio?“

To them, it was just a joke.

Njima je to bila tek šala.

Then there was Jon.

Potom je tu bio Džon.

Jon said his decision weighed on him,

Džon je rekao da ga je njegova odluka slamala

and it burdened him daily.

i opterećivala svakodnevno.

The final juror that I spoke to was Ken.

Poslednji porotnik s kojim sam pričala je bio Ken.

Ken was the foreman of the jury.

Ken je bio glavni porotnik.

When we sat down to talk,

Kada smo seli da razgovaramo,

it was apparent that he was deeply saddened by what we were required to do.

bilo je očito da je bio duboko pogođen onim što smo bili u obavezi da uradimo.

He relived the day that he left the courthouse

Ponovo je proživljavao dan kada je napustio sudnicu,

and he drove home

vozio se kući,

and he went to put his key in his door and unlock it,

i kada je krenuo da stavi ključ u vrata i da ih otključa,

and he said he literally broke down.

kaže da je bukvalno doživeo slom.

He said he knew that Bobby was guilty,

Kaže da je znao da je Bobi kriv,

but the decision he made,

ali da za odluku koju je doneo

he did not know if it was the right decision.

nije znao da li je bila prava odluka.

And he said that he played it over and over in his head.

I kaže da je izvrteo film iznova i iznova u glavi.

Did we do the right thing?

Da li smo ispravno postupili?

Did we do the right thing?

Da li smo ispravno postupili?

Did we do the right thing?

Da li smo ispravno postupili?

(Sighs)

(Uzdah)

All those years,

Sve te godine,

and I finally realized that I was not the only disillusioned juror.

i ja sam konačno shvatila da nisam jedini razočarani porotnik.

And we talked about sharing our experience

I razgovarali smo o razmeni iskustava

with potential jurors

sa potencijalnim porotnicima

to give them some insight into what to expect,

kako bismo im pružili nekakav uvid u to šta da očekuju

and to tell them do not be complacent;

i da im kažemo da ne budu pomirljivi;

to know what you believe;

da znaju u šta veruju;

to know where you stand and be prepared,

da znaju svoje stanovište i da budu spremni,

because you don't want to walk in one morning as a juror

jer ne želite da ušetate jedno jutro kao porotnik

and leave at the end of the trial feeling like a murderer.

i da na kraju suđenja odete osećajući se kao ubica.

Now, through this storm in my life, I did find some inspiration,

Sad, kroz ovu oluju u svom životu, otkrila sam inspiraciju,

and it came in the form of my granddaughters.

a došla je u obliku mojih unuka.

My 14-year-old granddaughter, Maddie,

Moja 14-godišnja unuka Medi

was writing an essay on the death penalty for school,

je pisala školski esej o smrtnoj kazni

and she was asking me questions.

i postavljala mi je pitanja.

Well, it dawned on me that this child was being raised

Pa, sinulo mi je da je ovo dete odgajano

in the same eye-for-an-eye culture

u istoj kulturi „oko za oko“

as I was,

kao i ja,

or had been.

ili sam bila.

And so I explained my experience to her this way:

Pa sam joj ovako objasnila moje iskustvo:

that I had sentenced someone to death

osudila sam nekoga na smrt

as I served on a jury.

služeći u poroti.

And I asked her,

I upitala sam je:

"Did that make me a murderer?"

„Da li sam zbog toga ubica?“

She couldn't answer.

Nije mogla da odgovori.

I knew then that this topic needed to be open for discussion.

Tada sam shvatila da ova tema mora da bude otvorena za razgovor.

And guess what happened?

I pogodite šta se desilo?

I got invited to speak, just recently,

Nedavno su me pozvali da govorim

in an abolitionist community.

u zajednici abolicionista.

While I was there, I got a T-shirt.

Dok sam bila tamo, dobila sam majicu

It says, "Stop Executions."

sa natpisom: „Zaustavite pogubljenja“.

Well, when I get home, my 16-year-old granddaughter was there, Anna,

Kad sam došla kući, moja 16-godišnja unuka Ana je bila prisutna

and she says, "Can I have that shirt?"

i rekla je: „Mogu li da dobijem tu majicu?“

Well, I looked at her dad --

Pogledala sam u njenog oca -

her dad is my son --

njen otac je moj sin -

and I knew that he is still dealing with this death penalty issue.

i znala sam da se on i dalje nosi s ovim pitanjem smrtne kazne.

So I turned around and I looked at her, and I said,

Pa sam se okrenula, pogledala u nju i rekla:

"Are you gonna wear this?"

„Da li ćeš da je nosiš?“

So she turned and she looked at her dad, and she said,

Okrenula se i pogledala u oca i rekla:

"Dad, I know how you feel,

„Tata, znam kako se osećaš,

but I don't believe in the death penalty."

ali ja ne verujem u smrtnu kaznu.“

My son looked at me,

Sin me je pogledao,

shook his head, and said,

zavrteo glavom i rekao:

"Thanks, Mom."

„Hvala, mama.“

And I knew it wasn't a nice "Thanks, Mom."

I znala sam da se nije radilo o finom „hvala, mama“.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

So I learned that life had taught me some lessons.

Shvatila sam da me je život naučio nekim lekcijama.

It taught me, if I had not served on that jury,

Naučila sam, da nisam služila u toj poroti,

that I would still be of the same mindset.

da bih i dalje bila istog mentalnog sklopa.

It also gave me confidence

To mi je takođe dalo samopouzdanje

to be able to see through the eyes of my granddaughters,

da budem u stanju da gledam kroz oči mojih unuka,

that this younger generation, they're capable and they're willing

da su mlađe generacije u stanju i imaju volje

to tackle these difficult social issues.

da se bave ovim teškim društvenim pitanjima.

And because of my experience,

A zbog mog iskustva,

my granddaughters,

moje unuke

they're now more equipped to stand on their own

su sada spremnije da imaju svoj stav

and to think for themselves

i da razmišljaju u svoje ime,

than to rely on cultural beliefs.

umesto da se oslanjaju na kulturološka ubeđenja.

So:

Dakle:

being from a conservative, Christian family

kao neko ko potiče iz konzervativne hrišćanske porodice

from a very conservative state in the United States,

iz veoma konzervativne države u Sjedinjenim Državama,

I am here to tell you

ovde sam da vam kažem

that the death penalty has new opponents.

da smrtna kazna ima nove protivnike.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)