A juror's reflections on the death penalty | Lindy Lou Isonhood

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: JIAWEN ZHANG

It was a Thursday,

那天是星期四，

June the 23rd, 1994.

1994 年 6 月 23 日。

(Sighs)

（嘆氣）

"Collect your belongings. You are free to go.

「收拾你的行裝。 你可以離開了。

When escorted outside, go directly to your car.

護送你出去之後， 請直接上你的車。

Do not talk to reporters."

不許與記者交談。」

My head is spinning,

我感到天旋地轉，

my heart is racing,

我的心跳加速，

I can't get a breath.

我無法呼吸。

I just want out of there.

我只想離開那裡。

When I get to my car,

當我走進我的車，

I throw everything on the back,

我把所有的東西都丟到後座，

and I just collapse into the driver's seat.

我便癱倒在駕駛座上。

"I can't do this.

「我辦不到。

I can't go home to my family

我無法回家，

去面對一個星期來都沒見到的家人，

that I haven't seen in a week

and pretend to be happy."

還要裝出快樂的樣子。」

Not even their love and support

就連他們的愛和支持

could help me at this particular time.

也無法在這個時候給我幫助。

We had just sentenced a man to death.

我們剛剛判了一個人死刑。

Now what?

然後呢？

Just go home and wash dishes?

就回家去洗碗盤嗎？

You see, in Mississippi,

要知道，在密西西比，

the death penalty is like a part of our unspoken culture.

死刑就像是我們 地下文化的一部分。

The basic logic is, if you murder someone,

基本的邏輯是， 如果你謀殺一個人，

then you're going to receive the death penalty.

那你就會被判死刑。

So when the jury selection process took place,

所以，當開始挑選陪審團成員時，

they asked me,

他們問我：

"Could you,

「你能嗎？

if the evidence presented justified the death penalty,

如果呈堂證供足以判他死刑，

could you deliver,

你能否，

rationally and without reservations,

理性地，且沒有保留地，

a penalty of death?"

判處死刑？」

My answer was an astounding "yes,"

我當時的回答 是讓人震驚的「我能」，

and I was selected as Juror Number 2.

而我就被選為二號陪審員。

The trial started.

審判開始了。

From the evidence being presented

根據呈堂的證據

and from the pictures of the victim,

以及受害者的照片，

my first response was, "Yes, this man is a monster,

我最初的反應是： 「是的，這個人是禽獸，

and he deserves the death penalty."

他被判死刑是罪有應得。」

For days, I sat and looked at his hands,

數日來，我坐著，看著他的手，

the ones that yielded the knife,

那雙揮下刀的手，

and against his pasty white skin,

以及與他蒼白的皮膚對比，

his eyes ...

他那黝黑的雙眼……

Well, he spent endless days in his cell,

他在他的牢房中待了無數日，

no sunlight,

沒有陽光，

so his eyes were as black as his hair and his mustache.

所以他的雙眼和他的 頭髮鬍鬚一樣黑。

He was very intimidating,

他看來十分嚇人，

and there was absolutely no doubt in his guilt.

他有罪，這是無庸置疑的。

But regardless of his guilt,

但，就算他有罪，

as the days passed,

隨著日子過去，

I began to see this monster

我開始把這禽獸

as a human being.

當人來看待。

Something inside of me was changing that I just didn't understand.

我的內在發生了某種 我不理解的改變。

I was beginning to question myself

我開始質疑我自己，

as to whether or not I wanted to give this man the death penalty.

不再確定我是否真的 想要判這個人死刑。

Jury deliberations began,

陪審團商議開始了，

and the judge gave us jury instructions

法官給了我們陪審團審理指導，

and it was to be used as a tool

它是一種工具，

in how to reach a verdict.

用來協助達成裁決。

Well, using this tool only led to one decision,

用這項工具只會產生一種決定，

and that was the death penalty.

那就是死刑。

I felt backed into a corner.

我感覺退到了角落。

My head and my heart were in conflict with each other,

我的頭腦和內心互相矛盾，

and the thought of the death penalty

我一想到死刑，

made me sick.

就感到噁心。

However, following the judge's instructions,

然而，遵循法官的指示，

being a law-abiding person,

作為一個守法的人，

I gave up.

我放棄了。

I gave up and voted along with the other 11 jurors.

我放棄了，跟著其他 十一名陪審員投票。

And there it was:

這就是了：

our broken judicial system at work.

我們不完善的司法體制 就是這麼運作的。

So here I am in my car,

所以，我在我的車裡，

and I'm wondering:

我很納悶：

How is my life ever going to be the same?

我的人生怎麼能回得到原樣？

My life was kids, work, church, ball games --

我的人生本來是孩子、 工作、教堂、球賽——

just your average, normal, everyday life.

就是你平常看到的普通日常生活。

Now everything felt trivial.

現在一切都變得不再重要。

I was going down this rabbit hole.

我陷入了困惑當中。

The anger, the anxiety,

那憤怒、焦慮、

the guilt, the depression ...

罪惡感、沮喪感……

it just clung to me.

都揮之不去。

I knew that my life had to resume,

我知道我的人生還是得走下去，

so I sought counseling.

所以我去尋求諮詢。

The counselor diagnosed me with PTSD

諮詢師診斷我得了 創傷後壓力症候群，

and told me that the best way to overcome the PTSD

告訴我，克服此症候群最好的方式，

was to talk about the trauma.

就是去談論創傷。

However, if I talked or tried to talk about the trauma

然而，如果我在她辦公室 以外的地方談論

或試著談論那件事，

outside her office,

I was shut down.

我會被拒絕。

No one wanted to hear about it.

沒有人想要聽我說這件事。

He was just a murderer. Get over it.

他不過是個殺人犯。把他忘了吧。

It was then that I decided to become a silent survivor.

所以那時，我決定保持沉默地活著。

Twelve years later, 2006,

十二年後，2006 年，

I learned that Bobby Wilcher had dropped all of his appeals,

我聽說巴比威爾奇 放棄了所有的上訴，

and his execution date was approaching.

他的行刑日越來越近。

That was like a punch in the stomach.

就好像往胃裡打了一拳。

All of those buried feelings just started coming back.

所有被埋藏的感覺又開始回來了。

To try and find peace, I called Bobby's attorney, and I said,

為了試著找到平靜， 我打電話給巴比的律師，我說：

"Can I see Bobby before he's executed?"

「我能在巴比被處死之前 見他一面嗎？」

Driving to the penitentiary on the day of his execution,

在他的行刑日，我開車到監獄，

in my mind,

我心裡猜想，

Bobby was going to be manic.

巴比應該會很躁狂。

But, surprisingly, he was very calm.

但，出乎意料，他相當冷靜。

And for two hours, he and I sat there and talked about life,

足足兩個小時， 他和我坐下來談人生，

and I got to ask him to forgive me for my hand in his death.

我向他請求原諒，

因為我參與他的死刑審判。

His words to me were:

他對我說的話是：

"You don't have to apologize.

「你不用道歉。

You didn't put me here.

不是你讓我走到這一步的。

I did this myself.

是我自己造成的。

But if it'll make you feel better,

但如果能讓你感覺好一點，

I forgive you."

我原諒你。」

On my way home,

在回家的路上，

I stopped by a restaurant and bought a margarita.

我在一家餐廳停下來， 買了一杯雞尾酒。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I don't think I could get one big enough --

我覺得一杯酒不夠——

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

to try and calm down.

我試著冷靜下來。

My phone rang.

我的手機響了。

It was Bobby's attorney.

是巴比的律師打來的。

Within two minutes of his execution,

離行刑不到兩分鐘的時間，

they had given him a stay.

他們決定暫緩執行。

This stay gave me time

這個決定讓我有時間

to reach out to Bobby.

去接近巴比。

And as crazy as it may sound,

聽起來可能很瘋狂，

we became friends.

但我們成了朋友。

Three months later,

三個月後，

he was executed by the State of Mississippi.

他的死刑由密西西比州執行。

I'm here to tell you my story,

我在這裡告訴各位我的故事，

because it was precisely 22 years later

因為，正是二十二年後，

that I even wanted to open up enough to talk about it,

我甚至想要公開談論這件事時，

when a friend encouraged me.

一位朋友鼓勵我：

"Hey, perhaps you need to talk to the other jurors.

「嘿，也許你需要 和其他陪審員談談。

You've been through the same experience."

你們有過同樣的經歷。」

Uncertain of what I was after,

我不太確定我的目的是什麼，

I did need to talk to them.

但我的確需要和他們談談。

So I set out on my quest,

所以，我展開了這趟追尋之旅，

and I actually found most of them.

事實上我找到了大部分的陪審員。

The first juror I met

我去見的第一位陪審員

thought that Bobby got what he deserved.

認為巴比是罪有應得。

Another juror --

另一位陪審員——

well, they just kind of regretted that it took so long

他們感到遺憾， 因為花了這麼長的時間

to carry the sentence out.

才執行死刑。

Then one juror, and I don't know what was wrong with him,

接著，有一位陪審員， 我不知道他怎麼回事，

but he didn't remember anything about the trial.

但他完全不記得那場審判。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Well,

嗯，

I'm thinking in my mind,

我心裡想著：

"Jeez, is this the response I'm gonna get from everybody else?"

「天啊，我從其他人那邊 也會得到這樣的回應嗎？」

Well, thank God for Allen.

謝天謝地，還好有艾倫。

Allen was a gentle soul.

艾倫心地善良。

And when I talked to him, he was genuinely upset

我和他談的時候，他是真的

對我們的決定感到心煩。

about our decision.

And he told me about the day that the devastation

他告訴我那天的狀況，

他真的感到傷痛欲絕。

really set in on him and hit him.

He was listening to the radio,

他聽到廣播

and the radio had a list of names of men to be executed

唸出了密西西比州立監獄

將要被處死的死囚名單。

at Parchman Penitentiary.

He heard Bobby's name,

他聽到巴比的名字，

and he then truly realized what he had done.

接著，他才真正意識到 他做了什麼事。

And he said, "You know, I had a responsibility in that man's death."

他說：「你知道嗎， 那個人的死，我也有責任。」

Now here it is, 20-something years later,

現在，二十多年後，

and Allen is still dealing with that issue.

艾倫仍然為那件事情而煩惱。

And he's never told anyone about it, not even his wife.

他從來沒有跟任何人說過， 連他的妻子都沒有。

He also told me

他也告訴我，

that if the State of Mississippi wanted to keep the death penalty,

如果密西西比州想要保有死刑，

then hey, they needed to provide counseling for the jurors.

那麼，他們需要給陪審員 提供心理諮詢服務。

Then the next juror I met was Jane.

我接下來見的陪審員是珍。

Jane is now totally against the death penalty,

珍現在完全是個反對死刑的人，

And there was Bill.

還有比爾，

Bill said he had this crushing depression for weeks,

比爾說他有好幾週的時間 都快被憂鬱感給壓垮了，

and when he went back to work,

當他回去工作時，

his colleagues would say things to him like,

他的同事會對他說類似這樣的話：

"Hey, did you fry him?"

「嘿，你是不是把他炸了啊？

To them, it was just a joke.

對他們來說，那只是個笑話。

Then there was Jon.

然後，還有強。

Jon said his decision weighed on him,

強說他的決定讓他感到很沉重，

and it burdened him daily.

每天都是他的負擔。

The final juror that I spoke to was Ken.

我交談的最後一位陪審員是肯。

Ken was the foreman of the jury.

肯是當時陪審團的主席。

When we sat down to talk,

我們坐下來談時，

it was apparent that he was deeply saddened by what we were required to do.

很顯然他對於我們當時 被要求做的事，感到悲傷沉重。

He relived the day that he left the courthouse

他回想那天的經歷， 他離開了法院，

and he drove home

開車回到家，

and he went to put his key in his door and unlock it,

把他的鑰匙插入 他家的大門，把鎖打開，

and he said he literally broke down.

他說他真的是崩潰了。

He said he knew that Bobby was guilty,

他說他知道巴比有罪，

but the decision he made,

但他所做的決定，

he did not know if it was the right decision.

他不知道那是否是正確的決定。

And he said that he played it over and over in his head.

他說他在的腦海不斷回想一個問題。

Did we do the right thing?

我們當初做的是對的事嗎？

Did we do the right thing?

我們當初做的是對的事嗎？

Did we do the right thing?

我們當初做的是對的事嗎？

(Sighs)

（嘆氣）

All those years,

這些年來，

and I finally realized that I was not the only disillusioned juror.

我終於知道我不是唯一 幻想破滅的陪審員。

And we talked about sharing our experience

我們談到，我們可以把我們的經驗

with potential jurors

和可能當陪審員的人分享，

to give them some insight into what to expect,

讓他們知道要預期什麼，

and to tell them do not be complacent;

並告訴他們不要自滿；

to know what you believe;

要知道自己的信念；

to know where you stand and be prepared,

要知道你的立場，且要準備好，

because you don't want to walk in one morning as a juror

因為你並不希望有一天 以陪審員的身分走進去，

and leave at the end of the trial feeling like a murderer.

在審判結束時卻感覺 自己像是個殺人兇手。

Now, through this storm in my life, I did find some inspiration,

我確實在我人生中的 這場風暴裡找到了一些靈感，

and it came in the form of my granddaughters.

它化身成我的孫女們， 出現在我生命中。

My 14-year-old granddaughter, Maddie,

我十四歲的孫女，瑪迪，

was writing an essay on the death penalty for school,

在寫一篇關於死刑的學校論文，

and she was asking me questions.

她問了我一些問題。

Well, it dawned on me that this child was being raised

我漸漸明白，這個孩子成長的環境

in the same eye-for-an-eye culture

是同樣以牙還牙的文化，

as I was,

和我過去—— 或曾經成長——的環境一樣。

or had been.

And so I explained my experience to her this way:

我用這樣的方式 向她解釋我的經歷：

that I had sentenced someone to death

我在當陪審員時，判了某人死刑。

as I served on a jury.

And I asked her,

我問她：

"Did that make me a murderer?"

「那是否表示我是殺人兇手？」

She couldn't answer.

她無法回答。

I knew then that this topic needed to be open for discussion.

我知道這個話題需要被公開討論。

And guess what happened?

猜猜發生了什麼事？

I got invited to speak, just recently,

最近，我受到邀請，

in an abolitionist community.

去一個廢奴主義團體演講。

While I was there, I got a T-shirt.

我到那裡時，拿到一件 T 恤。

It says, "Stop Executions."

上面寫著「停止死刑」。

Well, when I get home, my 16-year-old granddaughter was there, Anna,

當我回家時，我的十六歲 孫女安娜在家裡，

and she says, "Can I have that shirt?"

她說：「這件上衣可以給我嗎？」

Well, I looked at her dad --

我看著她爸爸——

her dad is my son --

她爸爸就是我兒子——

and I knew that he is still dealing with this death penalty issue.

我知道他還在處理這個死刑議題。

So I turned around and I looked at her, and I said,

所以我轉過身，我看著她，說：

"Are you gonna wear this?"

「你打算要穿它嗎？」

So she turned and she looked at her dad, and she said,

於是，她轉身，看著她爸爸，說：

"Dad, I know how you feel,

「爸，我懂你的感受，

but I don't believe in the death penalty."

但我不相信應該要有死刑。」

My son looked at me,

我兒子看著我，

shook his head, and said,

搖搖頭，說：

"Thanks, Mom."

「謝了，媽。」

And I knew it wasn't a nice "Thanks, Mom."

我知道那句「謝了，媽。」是個反話。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

So I learned that life had taught me some lessons.

所以，我了解到， 人生給了我一些教訓，

It taught me, if I had not served on that jury,

它教會我，如果我沒擔任過陪審員，

that I would still be of the same mindset.

我可能還會保有同樣的心態。

It also gave me confidence

它也給了我信心，

to be able to see through the eyes of my granddaughters,

能夠透過我孫女們的 眼睛來看世界，

that this younger generation, they're capable and they're willing

這個年輕的世代， 他們有能力也願意

to tackle these difficult social issues.

去解決這些社會難題。

And because of my experience,

因為我的經歷，

my granddaughters,

我的孫女們，

they're now more equipped to stand on their own

她們現在更有能力，

and to think for themselves

去為自己獨立思考，

than to rely on cultural beliefs.

而不只是仰賴文化的信念。

So:

所以：

being from a conservative, Christian family

我來自一個保守的基督教家庭，

from a very conservative state in the United States,

來自美國一個非常保守的州，

I am here to tell you

我在此告訴各位，

that the death penalty has new opponents.

死刑有了新的敵手了。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）