A juror's reflections on the death penalty | Lindy Lou Isonhood

翻译人员: Nancy Cai 校对人员: Max Liu

It was a Thursday,

那是 1994 年，

June the 23rd, 1994.

6 月 23 日，一个周四。

(Sighs)

（叹息）

"Collect your belongings. You are free to go.

“收拾好你的东西， 你可以离开了。

When escorted outside, go directly to your car.

被护送出去之后， 直接上车，

Do not talk to reporters."

不要和记者说话。”

My head is spinning,

我的头有点眩晕，

my heart is racing,

我的心跳很快，

I can't get a breath.

我快要不能呼吸了，

I just want out of there.

我只想离开那里。

When I get to my car,

上车后，

I throw everything on the back,

我把所有东西都扔到后座，

and I just collapse into the driver's seat.

直接瘫倒在驾驶座上。

"I can't do this.

“我不能这么做，

I can't go home to my family

我有一周没见到我的家人了，

that I haven't seen in a week

我不能回家

and pretend to be happy."

对他们强颜欢笑。”

Not even their love and support

即使是他们的爱和支持，

could help me at this particular time.

此时此刻也不能帮我解脱。

We had just sentenced a man to death.

我们刚刚对一个人判了死刑，

Now what?

现在呢？

Just go home and wash dishes?

回家继续若无其事地生活吗？

You see, in Mississippi,

要知道，在密西西比，

the death penalty is like a part of our unspoken culture.

死刑就像是我们的文化中 不能谈论的一部分。

The basic logic is, if you murder someone,

基本逻辑就是， 如果你谋杀了别人，

then you're going to receive the death penalty.

那你就要被处以死刑。

So when the jury selection process took place,

于是，在选择陪审团的过程中，

they asked me,

他们问我，

"Could you,

“当呈现的证据

if the evidence presented justified the death penalty,

支持死刑时，

could you deliver,

你能够

rationally and without reservations,

理性地、没有疑虑地

a penalty of death?"

支持死刑吗？”

My answer was an astounding "yes,"

我斩钉截铁地回答，“是的”，

and I was selected as Juror Number 2.

于是我被选作 2 号陪审员。

The trial started.

审判开始了，

From the evidence being presented

从呈现的证据中，

and from the pictures of the victim,

还有被害者的照片中，

my first response was, "Yes, this man is a monster,

我的第一反应就是， “是的，这个人是个怪物，

and he deserves the death penalty."

他理应被判处死刑。”

For days, I sat and looked at his hands,

在很多天里，我曾经 坐在那儿看着他的双手，

the ones that yielded the knife,

就是那双持刀的手。

and against his pasty white skin,

在他苍白的皮肤的映衬下，

his eyes ...

他的眼睛……

Well, he spent endless days in his cell,

他在牢房里呆了无数天，

no sunlight,

没有阳光，

so his eyes were as black as his hair and his mustache.

所以他的眼睛就像 他的头发和胡子那么黑。

He was very intimidating,

他很吓人，

and there was absolutely no doubt in his guilt.

他的罪行也毋庸置疑。

But regardless of his guilt,

但是无论他是否有罪，

as the days passed,

随着日子一天天过去，

I began to see this monster

我开始把他当作一个人来看待，

as a human being.

而不再是一个怪物。

Something inside of me was changing that I just didn't understand.

我内心发生了一些 我自己都不理解的变化。

I was beginning to question myself

我开始问我自己，

as to whether or not I wanted to give this man the death penalty.

我到底想不想 对这个人判处死刑。

Jury deliberations began,

陪审团审议开始了，

and the judge gave us jury instructions

法官给了我们陪审团指南，

and it was to be used as a tool

它是一个工具，

in how to reach a verdict.

用来帮我们达成判决。

Well, using this tool only led to one decision,

于是，根据它，我们只做了一个判决，

and that was the death penalty.

就是死刑。

I felt backed into a corner.

我感觉自己 被困在了一个角落里，

My head and my heart were in conflict with each other,

我的思想和内心在打架，

and the thought of the death penalty

一想到死刑

made me sick.

我就觉得反感。

However, following the judge's instructions,

但是， 我是个遵纪守法的人，

being a law-abiding person,

我遵循了法官的指示，

I gave up.

我放弃了自己的立场。

I gave up and voted along with the other 11 jurors.

我和其他的 11 个陪审员 投了一样的票，

And there it was:

这就是，

our broken judicial system at work.

我们破碎的司法系统的真实场景。

So here I am in my car,

于是我坐在车里，

and I'm wondering:

痛苦地想，

How is my life ever going to be the same?

我的生活还怎么能再像以前一样？

My life was kids, work, church, ball games --

曾经我的生活就是围绕着 孩子，工作，教堂，球赛——

just your average, normal, everyday life.

就是再普通不过的日常生活。

Now everything felt trivial.

现在所有事都变得微不足道了。

I was going down this rabbit hole.

我掉进了一个兔子洞，

The anger, the anxiety,

我感到愤怒，焦虑，

the guilt, the depression ...

愧疚，抑郁……

it just clung to me.

它紧紧地抓着我。

I knew that my life had to resume,

我知道我必须让我的生活 重新步入正轨，

so I sought counseling.

所以我寻求了心理咨询。

The counselor diagnosed me with PTSD

心理咨询师将我诊断为 PTSD （创伤后应激障碍），

and told me that the best way to overcome the PTSD

并告诉我， 克服 PTSD 最好的办法

was to talk about the trauma.

就是与人讨论那次创伤。

However, if I talked or tried to talk about the trauma

但是，出了她的办公室，

一旦我试图谈论那次创伤，

outside her office,

I was shut down.

我就会被制止。

No one wanted to hear about it.

没人愿意听，

He was just a murderer. Get over it.

他就是个杀人犯， 忘了这件事吧。

It was then that I decided to become a silent survivor.

于是从那时起， 我决定做一个沉默的幸存者。

Twelve years later, 2006,

12 年后的 2006 年，

I learned that Bobby Wilcher had dropped all of his appeals,

我了解到 Bobby Wilcher 放弃了所有的上诉，

and his execution date was approaching.

他的处决日期已经临近了。

That was like a punch in the stomach.

这就像是当头一棒，

All of those buried feelings just started coming back.

所有那些被压抑下去的感觉 一下子又回来了，

To try and find peace, I called Bobby's attorney, and I said,

为了寻求内心的平和， 我给 Bobby 的律师打了电话，说

"Can I see Bobby before he's executed?"

“在处决之前， 我能见 Bobby 一面吗？”

Driving to the penitentiary on the day of his execution,

在他被处决的当天， 我在去往看守所的路上

in my mind,

不禁想象，

Bobby was going to be manic.

Bobby 一定像一个疯子。

But, surprisingly, he was very calm.

但是，令我惊讶的是， 他十分平静。

And for two hours, he and I sat there and talked about life,

两个小时里，他和我 坐在那里谈论生活，

and I got to ask him to forgive me for my hand in his death.

我得以寻求他的原谅， 因为我对他的死负有责任。

His words to me were:

他对我说的是，

"You don't have to apologize.

”你不必抱歉，

You didn't put me here.

不是你让我变成这样的，

I did this myself.

是我自己。

But if it'll make you feel better,

但是我原谅你，

I forgive you."

如果这能让你感觉好一点。”

On my way home,

回家的路上，

I stopped by a restaurant and bought a margarita.

我在一个餐馆停下来， 买了一杯玛格丽塔（鸡尾酒），

(Laughter)

（笑）

I don't think I could get one big enough --

我觉得一杯还不够——

(Laughter)

（笑）

to try and calm down.

让我平静下来。

My phone rang.

我的电话响了，

It was Bobby's attorney.

是 Bobby 的律师，

Within two minutes of his execution,

在他处决前的两分钟里，

they had given him a stay.

他们给了他一个缓刑。

This stay gave me time

这个缓刑让我有时间

to reach out to Bobby.

联系到了 Bobby。

And as crazy as it may sound,

听起来似乎很疯狂，

we became friends.

但我们成为了朋友。

Three months later,

三个月后，

he was executed by the State of Mississippi.

他在密西西比州被处决。

I'm here to tell you my story,

我来这里向你们讲述我的故事

because it was precisely 22 years later

是因为，整整 22 年后，

that I even wanted to open up enough to talk about it,

我才有足够的勇气 去谈论这件事。

when a friend encouraged me.

一个朋友鼓励我说，

"Hey, perhaps you need to talk to the other jurors.

“也许你应该和 其他的陪审员聊聊，

You've been through the same experience."

你们都经历了同一件事。”

Uncertain of what I was after,

我不确定结果怎样，

I did need to talk to them.

但我确实需要和他们谈谈。

So I set out on my quest,

于是我开始实行我的计划，

and I actually found most of them.

我确实找到了他们中的大部分人。

The first juror I met

我见到的第一个陪审员，

thought that Bobby got what he deserved.

觉得 Bobby 罪有应得，

Another juror --

另一位陪审员——

well, they just kind of regretted that it took so long

他们觉得遗憾的是

处决被拖得太久了。

to carry the sentence out.

Then one juror, and I don't know what was wrong with him,

有一位陪审员， 我不知道他出了什么毛病，

but he didn't remember anything about the trial.

他完全不记得那场审判了。

(Laughter)

（笑）

Well,

于是

I'm thinking in my mind,

我心里想，

"Jeez, is this the response I'm gonna get from everybody else?"

“老天，难道我从所有人那里 听到的都将是这样的回答吗？”

Well, thank God for Allen.

感谢上帝，我找到了 Allen，

Allen was a gentle soul.

Allen 是一个感性的人。

And when I talked to him, he was genuinely upset

他告诉我， 他对我们的决定

about our decision.

感到难过，

And he told me about the day that the devastation

他说，那天对他来说

really set in on him and hit him.

是一个沉重的打击。

He was listening to the radio,

他听广播时，

and the radio had a list of names of men to be executed

听到了在 Parchman 看守所

即将被处决的犯人名单。

at Parchman Penitentiary.

He heard Bobby's name,

他听到了 Bobby 的名字，

and he then truly realized what he had done.

然后他才真正意识到 他做了什么，

And he said, "You know, I had a responsibility in that man's death."

他对我说， “我对那个人的死负有责任。”

Now here it is, 20-something years later,

现在，20 多年后，

and Allen is still dealing with that issue.

Allen 仍然被这件事困扰，

And he's never told anyone about it, not even his wife.

他从来没和任何人谈论过， 哪怕是他的妻子。

He also told me

他还告诉我，

that if the State of Mississippi wanted to keep the death penalty,

如果密西西比州 要继续保留死刑，

then hey, they needed to provide counseling for the jurors.

他们得为陪审员 提供心理咨询。

Then the next juror I met was Jane.

我接下来见到的陪审员是 Jane，

Jane is now totally against the death penalty,

Jane 现在坚决反对死刑。

And there was Bill.

还有 Bill,

Bill said he had this crushing depression for weeks,

Bill 说他连续抑郁了好几周，

and when he went back to work,

当他回去工作时，

his colleagues would say things to him like,

他的同事会对他说，

"Hey, did you fry him?"

“你有没有把他煎了？”

To them, it was just a joke.

对他们来说，这只是一个玩笑。

Then there was Jon.

还有 Jon,

Jon said his decision weighed on him,

Jon 说，那个决定对他的影响很大，

and it burdened him daily.

每天都让他有负担。

The final juror that I spoke to was Ken.

我找到的最后一位陪审员是 Ken，

Ken was the foreman of the jury.

Ken 是陪审团的领队。

When we sat down to talk,

当我们坐下来讨论时，

it was apparent that he was deeply saddened by what we were required to do.

很明显他对于我们不得不做的决定 感到十分难过，

He relived the day that he left the courthouse

他又重新讲述了一遍 那天的情景，他离开法庭，

and he drove home

开车回到家，

and he went to put his key in his door and unlock it,

把钥插进门孔，打开门，

and he said he literally broke down.

他说，他真的崩溃了。

He said he knew that Bobby was guilty,

他说他知道 Bobby 是有罪的，

but the decision he made,

但是他做出的那个决定，

he did not know if it was the right decision.

他不知道是不是正确的。

And he said that he played it over and over in his head.

他说他在脑子里 一遍遍地回想，

Did we do the right thing?

我们做的是正确的吗？

Did we do the right thing?

我们做的是正确的吗？

Did we do the right thing?

我们做的是正确的吗？

(Sighs)

（叹息）

All those years,

这么多年，

and I finally realized that I was not the only disillusioned juror.

我终于意识到， 我不是唯一一个心灰意冷的陪审员。

And we talked about sharing our experience

我们觉得应该和别的陪审员

with potential jurors

分享我们的经历，

to give them some insight into what to expect,

以便让他们有一个预期，

and to tell them do not be complacent;

告诉他们不要自以为是，

to know what you believe;

要知道你自己相信什么，

to know where you stand and be prepared,

知道你的立场，并做好准备。

because you don't want to walk in one morning as a juror

因为你不想早上 作为一个陪审员来到法庭，

and leave at the end of the trial feeling like a murderer.

到了审判结束时， 感觉像是一个杀人犯。

Now, through this storm in my life, I did find some inspiration,

经历了生命中的这场风波， 我也收获了一些感悟，

and it came in the form of my granddaughters.

是从我外孙女身上得出的。

My 14-year-old granddaughter, Maddie,

我的外孙女，Maddie，今年 14 岁，

was writing an essay on the death penalty for school,

她要写一篇学校的作文， 是关于死刑的，

and she was asking me questions.

她问了我一些问题，

Well, it dawned on me that this child was being raised

我意识到， 和我一样，

in the same eye-for-an-eye culture

她也是在这种“以牙还牙” 的观念中长大的，

as I was,

曾经

or had been.

我也是。

And so I explained my experience to her this way:

于是我这样向她解释，

that I had sentenced someone to death

作为一个陪审员，

as I served on a jury.

我给一个人判了死刑。

And I asked her,

然后我问她，

"Did that make me a murderer?"

“这样我是不是 就变成了一个杀人犯？”

She couldn't answer.

她不知道怎么回答，

I knew then that this topic needed to be open for discussion.

我意识到，这个话题 需要被公开地探讨。

And guess what happened?

猜猜然后发生了什么？

I got invited to speak, just recently,

最近我被邀请去给一个

in an abolitionist community.

支持废除死刑的群体 做演讲。

While I was there, I got a T-shirt.

在那儿，我收到了一件T恤，

It says, "Stop Executions."

上面写着，“停止死刑”。

Well, when I get home, my 16-year-old granddaughter was there, Anna,

我到家时， 我 16 岁的孙女 Anna 看到了，

and she says, "Can I have that shirt?"

她说，“能把这件衣服给我吗？”

Well, I looked at her dad --

我看了看她爸爸，

her dad is my son --

她爸爸就是我儿子，

and I knew that he is still dealing with this death penalty issue.

我知道他对于死刑的问题 还有不同的看法，

So I turned around and I looked at her, and I said,

于是我转过身去， 看着她说，

"Are you gonna wear this?"

“你会穿吗？”

So she turned and she looked at her dad, and she said,

她转过身去， 看着她爸爸说，

"Dad, I know how you feel,

“爸爸，我知道你的感受，

but I don't believe in the death penalty."

但是我不支持死刑。”

My son looked at me,

我儿子看着我，

shook his head, and said,

摇摇头，说，

"Thanks, Mom."

“谢了，妈。”

And I knew it wasn't a nice "Thanks, Mom."

我知道这不是真正感激的谢谢。

(Laughter)

（笑）

So I learned that life had taught me some lessons.

所以， 生活给了我一些启示，

It taught me, if I had not served on that jury,

它教给我， 如果我没有做陪审员，

that I would still be of the same mindset.

我的心态仍旧会是一样的。

It also gave me confidence

它也给了我信心，

to be able to see through the eyes of my granddaughters,

让我能通过我的孙辈的视角看到

that this younger generation, they're capable and they're willing

他们这年轻的一代 有能力也有意愿，

to tackle these difficult social issues.

来解决这些棘手的社会问题。

And because of my experience,

由于我的经历，

my granddaughters,

我的孙女外孙女们，

they're now more equipped to stand on their own

现在可以坚持她们自己的立场，

and to think for themselves

独立思考，

than to rely on cultural beliefs.

而不是依赖文化信仰。

So:

所以，

being from a conservative, Christian family

尽管我来自一个 保守的基督教家庭，

from a very conservative state in the United States,

来自美国一个 非常保守的州，

I am here to tell you

我想告诉你们，

that the death penalty has new opponents.

死刑有新的对手了。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（鼓掌）