How I became part sea urchin | Catherine Mohr

76,634 views ・ 2018-10-12

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My story starts in the northern Galapagos Islands,
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under 50 feet of water and a big school of sharks.
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I'd been scuba diving with a group of friends for about a week,
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and it had been glorious:
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manta rays, whale sharks,
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penguins and, of course, hammerhead sharks.
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Today's dive was particularly tricky.
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The surge was terrible.
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You had to have your camera rig tight in
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and your arm out,
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because the surge kept throwing you into the rocks
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while you're scanning up for that beautiful photograph.
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It was going OK, until ...
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not OK.
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Something was terribly, terribly wrong.
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I pulled my hand back,
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and I had long, black sea urchin spines
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all the way through my gloves,
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which meant all the way through my hand.
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Now, this is bad.
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I mean, obviously when you have something all the way through your hand,
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it's kind of bad anyway,
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but in this case, sea urchins have a venom on them that,
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if you've ever tangled with them,
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you know that a sea urchin spine in you gives you horrible, painful inflammation.
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But that wasn't even topmost in my mind at this point.
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This did not look real.
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I could not believe that this was my hand.
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Now, in a crisis, I tend to disassociate into, like, little scientists,
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and I start talking very analytically.
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All analysis was gone, adrenaline brain kicked in,
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and I just yanked the spines out.
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I don't remember doing it.
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I just remember thinking, "I can't get my glove off with these in here."
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I do remember taking the glove off
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and a big plume of black coming up in front of my face.
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And biologist brain now shows up and starts freaking out.
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"How could all that toxin have gotten into that wound already?"
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Well, physicist brain then shows up and very calmly explains,
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"No, no, no, we're at 50 feet,
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red wavelengths are attenuated.
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That's blood -- not black.
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And sharks.
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So what are you gonna do?"
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Well, I cranked my cummerbund down really hard over my hand,
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and I simply swam away.
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"Let's let that big old cloud of blood dissipate a bit before we have to surface
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through all of these sharks."
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So when I did surface,
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my warm-blooded-mammal brain
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was in an absolute gibbering panic:
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"They don't feed when they're schooling. They don't feed when they're schooling.
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All the way up."
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And they didn't.
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So apparently, they have read the same books that I have.
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(Laughter)
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Now, it turns out,
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when you've been stabbed with sea urchin spines,
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and you're two days away from any medical help,
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the thing that you've got to do is, unfortunately, cook your hand.
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So you put it in water as hot as you can stand,
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and you keep adding boiling water
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until you think you will go absolutely insane.
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Now, it worked --
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the hand itself did not work so well for several weeks after that,
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but eventually, fine motor skills returned.
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All except for one spot, that stayed stiff and painful for weeks
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after the other things had gotten better.
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So it turned out, I'd broken off a tip of the urchin spine
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in the joint itself,
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and that's why it wasn't getting better.
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So the orthopedist says, "You know, we should get this out.
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Nothing too urgent, not an emergency."
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So we scheduled a small surgery for a few weeks out on a Monday.
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And on the Friday before,
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I broke my pelvis in a horseback riding accident.
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(Laughter)
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Yeah.
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So we kind of postponed that surgery.
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My broken pelvis and I were now facing six weeks on the couch,
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and I would have gone absolutely insane if it hadn't been for my friends.
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Spontaneous parties broke out at my house every night for weeks.
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I was fed. I was entertained.
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It was great.
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But that kind of enthusiasm is sort of hard to sustain over the long term,
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and eventually it petered down to just one friend,
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who would send me jokes during the day
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and come and keep me company in the evenings --
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someone I got to know a whole lot better during this period of convalescence.
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And when I was finally pronounced well enough
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to do weight-bearing activities,
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we loaded a telescope in the car and drove up into the mountains
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to look at the Hale–Bopp comet.
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Yes, we are geeks.
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And got caught in a landslide.
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(Laughter)
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I know -- like, really?
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No. Just kidding.
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(Laughter)
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No more disasters. No. Just the opposite, in fact.
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That was 21 years ago,
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and for 19 of those years,
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I have been married to that marvelous introvert
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who never in a million years would have approached me
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under other circumstances.
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We have a wonderful 14-year-old daughter,
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who did all my illustrations.
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(Cheers and applause)
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Yeah.
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So, pro tip:
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apparently, nothing makes you sexier than needing a walker
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on your first date.
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So this isn't a story about piercings
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or sharks or boilings or breakings.
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It's a love story.
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It's a love story with a funny little epilogue.
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Now I was weight-bearing again, I could reschedule that surgery,
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get the spine out.
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But I didn't need it anymore.
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Turns out, when you break a bone,
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your body scavenges calcium from all the bones in your body --
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and from the little sea urchin spine that you happen to have lodged
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in the joint of your finger.
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So yes,
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my pelvis is now part sea urchin.
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(Laughter)
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So to biology brain, physicist brain,
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adrenaline brain, warm-blooded-mammal brain,
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I get to add "urchin brain,"
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with all of the superpowers that that confers.
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You don't need to worry, though:
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that I am not fully human is one of the things
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that my family loves the most about me.
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(Laughter)
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Thank you very much.
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(Applause)
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