Three ideas. Three contradictions. Or not. | Hannah Gadsby

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Bruce Sung

My name is Hannah.

我的名字叫做漢娜（Hannah）。 這個字是個「迴文」。

And that is a palindrome.

That is a word you can spell the same forwards and backwards,

是一個你正拼反拼都一樣的詞。

if you can spell.

前提是你會拼字。

But the thing is --

但，重點是——

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

my entire family have palindromic names.

我的整個家族都有迴文的名字。

It's a bit of a tradition.

算是一個小傳統。

We've got Mum, Dad --

我們有媽媽（Mum）、 爸爸（Dad）——

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

Nan, Pop.

奶奶（Nan）、爺爺（Pop）。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And my brother, Kayak.

還有我兄弟克亞克（Kayak）。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

There you go.

就像這樣。

That's just a bit a joke, there.

開一個小玩笑。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I like to kick things off with a joke because I'm a comedian.

我喜歡以笑話起頭， 因為我是喜劇演員。

Now there's two things you know about me already:

現在你們已經知道了 兩件關於我的事：

my name's Hannah and I'm a comedian.

我叫做漢娜，是喜劇演員。 我不浪費任何時間。

I'm wasting no time.

Here's a third thing you can know about me:

你們能知道關於我的第三件事是：

I don't think I'm qualified to speak my own mind.

我不認為我有資格 說出我心中的想法。

Bold way to begin a talk, yes,

用這句當演講開場很大膽，是的，

but it's true.

但這是真的。

I've always had a great deal of difficulty

在將想法轉換成話語這方面，

turning my thinking into the talking.

我一直覺得很難。

So it seems a bit of a contradiction, then,

這感覺有點矛盾，

that someone like me, who is so bad at the chat,

像我這樣的人， 一個如此不擅長聊天的人，

could be something like a stand-up comedian.

卻能夠做個即興喜劇演員。

But there you go. There you go.

但就是這樣。就是這樣。

It's what it is.

事實就是如此。

I first tried my hand at stand-up comedi -- comedie ... See?

我初次嘗試即興喜居—— 喜居（發音誤）……看吧？

See? See?

看吧？看吧？

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I first tried my hand at stand-up comedy

我初次嘗試即興喜劇表演 是我快三十歲時，

in my late 20s,

and despite being a pathologically shy virtual mute with low self-esteem

儘管我病態地害羞、 沉默寡言，還很自卑，

who'd never held a microphone before,

之前也從來沒有拿過麥克風，

I knew as soon as I walked and stood in front of the audience,

但當我走上台站在觀眾面前時， 我立刻就知道，

I knew, before I'd even landed my first joke,

我知道，在我吐出我 第一個笑話之前就知道，

I knew that I really liked stand-up,

我知道我真的喜歡即興喜劇，

and stand-up really liked me.

即興喜劇也真的喜歡我。

But for the life of me, I couldn't work out why.

但我這一生都想不透為什麼。

Why is it I could be so good at doing something I was so bad at?

為什麼我可以這麼擅長 做我這麼不擅長的事？

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I just couldn't work it out, I could not understand it.

我就是想不透，我無法理解。

That is, until I could.

直到後來，我理解了。

Now, before I explain to you why it is

現在，在我跟各位解釋為什麼

that I can be good at something I'm so bad at,

我可以這麼擅長 做我這麼不擅長的事之前，

let me throw another spanner of contradiction into the work

先讓我將另一個矛盾拋出來，

by telling you that not long after I worked out why that was,

那就是，在我搞懂 為什麼之後沒多久，

I decided to quit comedy.

我就決定放棄喜劇。

And before I explain that little oppositional cat

在我解釋為什麼將一隻有些叛逆的貓 丟進沉思的鴿子群之前，

I just threw amongst the thinking pigeons,

let me also tell you this:

讓我先告訴各位：

quitting launched my comedy career.

放棄，使我的喜劇職涯起飛了。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Like, really launched it, to the point where after quitting comedy,

就是真的起飛到了一種程度， 一種在我放棄喜劇之後

I became the most talked-about comedian on the planet,

就變成了這個星球上最多人 在談論的喜劇演員的程度，

because apparently, I'm even worse at making retirement plans

因為很顯然， 我做退休計劃的能力，

than I am at speaking my own mind.

比我說出心裡話的能力還要糟糕。

Now, all I've done up until this point

到目前為止我所做的所有事，

apart from giving over a spattering of biographical detail

除了一直丟出傳記般的細節之外，

is to tell you indirectly that I have three ideas

就是間接告訴各位，今天 我想要與大家分享三個想法，

that I want to share with you today.

And I've done that by way of sharing three contradictions:

而我透過分享三個 矛盾來做到這一點：

one, I am bad at talking, I am good at talking;

第一：我很不擅長說話， 我擅長說話；

I quit, I did not quit.

我放棄了，我沒有放棄。

Three ideas, three contradictions.

三個想法，三個矛盾。

Now, if you're wondering why there's only two things

如果你很納悶，為什麼我說

清單上有三件事， 卻只點出兩件事——

on my so-called list of three --

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I remind you it is literally a list of contradictions.

我要提醒各位，它就是 名副其實的矛盾清單。

Keep up.

要跟上腳步。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Now, the folks at TED advised me that with a talk of this length,

TED 的人建議過我說， 在這種長度的演說中，

it's best to stick with just sharing one idea.

最好是只要分享一個想法。

I said no.

我說不。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

What would they know?

他們能知道什麼？

To explain why I have chosen to ignore what is clearly very good advice,

為了解釋我為什麼選擇不理會 一個很明顯非常好的建議，

I want to take you back to the beginning of this talk,

我想先帶大家回到 這場演說的開頭，

specifically, my palindrome joke.

準確來說，回到我的迴文笑話。

Now that joke uses my favorite trick of the comedian trade,

那個笑話用到了我在 喜劇行業中最喜歡的技倆，

the rule of three,

三的原則，

whereby you make a statement

即，你先做一段陳述，

and then back that statement up

然後用一張清單 來支持這段陳述。

with a list.

My entire family have palindromic names:

我的整個家族都有迴文的名字：

Mum, Dad, Nan, Pop.

媽媽、爸爸、奶奶、爺爺。

The first two ideas on that list create a pattern,

清單上的前兩個想法， 創造出一個格式，

and that pattern creates expectation.

這個格式創造出期待。

And then the third thing -- bam! -- Kayak. What?

接著，第三樣東西—— 砰！——克亞克。什麼？

That's the rule of three.

那就是三的原則。

One, two, surprise! Ha ha.

一、二、驚喜！哈哈。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Now, the rule of three is not only fundamental to the way I do my craft,

三的原則不僅是我創作的基本法，

it is also fundamental to the way I communicate.

也是我溝通的根本準則。

So I won't be changing anything for nobody,

所以，我不會為了任何人 改變任何東西，

not even TED,

即使是 TED 也不例外，

which, I will point out, stands for three ideas:

而 TED，我要指出， 代表了三個想法：

technology, entertainment

科技（Technology）、 娛樂（Entertainment），

and dickheads.

和豬頭（Dickheads）。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Works every time, doesn't it?

每次都奏效，對吧？

But you need more than just jokes

但你得要有比笑話更多的東西

to be able to cut it as a professional comedian.

才能成為一個職業喜劇演員。

You need to be able to walk that fine line between being charming

你還得會在迷人和令人不設防之間

精準地拿捏。

and disarming.

And I discovered the most effective way to generate the amount of charm I needed

我發現了那個最有效的方法， 去生產出我所需的迷人魅力，

to offset my disarming personality

來抵銷我令人不設防的人格，

was through not jokes but stories.

不是透過講笑話，而是透過講故事。

So my stand-up routines are filled with stories:

所以，我慣常的即興演出中 總是充滿故事：

stories about growing up, my coming out story,

關於成長的故事，我出櫃的故事，

stories about the abuse I've copped for being not only a woman

關於我招致虐罵的故事， 就因為我不只是女性，

but a big woman and a masculine-of-center woman.

同時也是高大的女性， 男性化的女性。

If you watch my work online, check the comments out below

如果你在網上看我的表演， 看看下面的評論，

for examples of abuse.

就可以找到謾罵的例子。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

It's that time in the talk where I shift into second gear,

現在是我換到二檔的時候了，

and I'm going to tell you a story about everything I've just said.

我要告訴各位一個故事， 和我剛才說的一切都有關。

In the last few days of her life,

在我祖母人生的最後幾天，

my grandma was surrounded by people,

她身邊環繞著人，

a lot of people,

很多人，

because my grandma was the loving matriarch

因為我祖母是 慈愛大家庭中的慈愛長輩。

of a large and loving family.

Now, if you haven't made the connection already,

如果各位還沒將內容聯會貫通起來， 我是那個家庭中的一員。

I am a member of that family.

I was lucky enough to be able to say goodbye to my grandma

我很幸運，能夠在我祖母 過世的那一天跟她說再見。

on the day she died.

But as she was already cocooned within herself by then,

但，因為當時她已經結繭一般 將自己的意識與外界分離開來了，

it was something of a one-sided goodbye.

這個再見其實是單向的。

So I thought about a lot of things,

由此我想了很多事，

things I hadn't thought about in a long time,

一些我很長一段時間沒有想過的事，

like the letters I used to write to my grandma

比如以前我剛進入 大學時給祖母寫的信，

when I first started university,

letters I filled with funny stories and anecdotes

信中滿是好笑的故事和趣聞軼事，

that I embellished for her amusement.

那些為了掙得她的樂趣 而被我潤色的故事。

And I remembered how I couldn't articulate

我還記得當時我無法明確表達

the anxiety and fear that filled me as I tried to carve my tiny little life

那些堵塞在我心頭的焦慮和恐懼，

因為當時我正試圖為我渺小的生活

into a world that felt far too big for me.

在一個太過廣闊的世界裡 開出一塊立足之地。

But I remembered finding comfort in those letters,

但我記得我在信件中 找到的那些慰藉，

because I wrote them with my grandma in mind.

因為我在寫時心中想著我的祖母。

But as the world got more and more overwhelming

但是，隨著世界變得越來越沉重，

and my ability to negotiate it got worse, not better,

我的適應力也變得更糟而不是變好，

I stopped writing those letters.

我不再寫信了。

I just didn't think I had the life that Grandma would want to read about.

我只是不覺得我過的是 祖母想要知道的那種生活。

Grandma did not know I was gay,

祖母不知道我是同性戀，

and about six months before she died,

在她過世前六個月左右，

out of nowhere, she asked me if I had a boyfriend.

她突然就問我有沒有男朋友。

Now, I remember making a conscious decision in that moment

我記得，我在那個瞬間 有意識地做了一個決定，

not to come out to my grandmother.

決定不要向她出櫃。

And I did that because I knew her life was drawing to an end,

我那麼做是因為我知道 她的人生正在畫上句點，

and my time with her was finite,

而我和她相處的時間很有限，

and I did not want to talk about the ways we were different.

我不想談論我們之間的不同之處。

I wanted to talk about the ways were we connected.

我想要談的是我們之間的相連之處。

So I changed the subject.

所以我換了話題。

And at the time, it felt like the right decision.

當時，我覺得那是正確的決定。

But as I sat witness to my grandmother's life

但，當我坐在一旁，眼睜睜地 目睹著我祖母的生命漸漸消逝，

as it tapered to its inevitable end,

朝著無可避免的終點前進，

I couldn't help but feel I'd made a mistake

我不禁覺得我犯了個錯，

not to share such a significant part of my life.

我沒有把我人生中 很重要的一部分與她分享。

But I also knew that I'd missed my opportunity,

但我也知道，我已經錯過了機會，

and as Grandma always used to say,

就像祖母總是說的：

"Ah, well, it's all part of the soup.

「啊，那都已經是湯的一部分了。

Too late to take the onions out now."

現在已經來不及把洋蔥拿出來了。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And I thought about that,

我想到這件事，

and I thought about how I had to deal with too many onions

我也想到我小時候 必須要處理太多洋蔥，

as a kid,

growing up gay in a state where homosexuality was illegal.

作為一個孩子，在一個同性戀 不合法的州成長為一個同性戀。

And with that thought, I could see how tightly wrapped

帶著那樣的想法，我能看見我是如何

被自己內心的羞恥化作的 藤蔓給緊緊地束縛住。

in the tendrils of my own internalized shame I was.

And with that, I thought about all my traumas:

帶著這樣的想法， 我想起了我所有的創傷：

the violence, the abuse, my rape.

暴力、辱罵、被強暴。

And with all that cluster of thinking,

帶著那一大簇糾纏成結的想法，

a thought, a question, kept popping into my mind

有一個想法、一個問題， 不斷在我腦海中跳出來，

to which I had no answer:

一個沒有答案的問題：

What is the purpose of my human?

我人生的目的是什麼？

Out of anyone in my family, I felt the most akin to my grandmother.

在我所有的家人中， 我覺得我和祖母最相似，

I mean, we share the most traits in common.

我的意思是，我們有最多共同點。

Not so much these days.

現在就沒那麼多了。

Death really changes people.

死亡會改變人。

But that --

但——（笑聲）

(Laughter)

is my grandmother's sense of humor.

那是我祖母的幽默感。

But the person I felt most akin to in the world

但，我覺得全世界 和我最相似的人，

was a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother,

她是位母親、祖母、 曾祖母、曾曾祖母。

a great-great-grandmother.

Me? I represented the very end of my branch of the family tree.

我呢？我代表著家譜 這顆大樹的分枝末端。

And I wasn't entirely sure I was still connected to the trunk.

我還不能完全確定 我仍然和主幹連接在一起。

What was the purpose of my human?

我人生的目的是什麼？

The year after my grandmother's death was the most intensely creative

我祖母過世後的那一年，

是我人生中創意最劇烈的一年。

of my life.

And I suppose that's because, at an end, my thoughts gather

我猜想，原因是因為，在最後，

我的想法聚集的比散落的還多。

more than they scatter.

My thought process is not linear.

我的思想過程不是線性的。

I'm a visual thinker. I see my thoughts.

我是個視覺性思考者。 我會看見我的想法。

I don't have a photographic memory,

我沒有相機般清晰的記憶力， 我的腦袋也不是

and nor is my head a static gallery of sensibly collected think pieces.

理性收集想法片段的靜態畫廊。

It's more that I've got this ever-evolving language of hieroglyphics

比較像是我有一種我自己發展出來、

不斷演化的象形文字語言，

that I've developed

and can understand fluently and think deeply with.

我可以用這種語言 快速理解和深刻思考，

but I struggle to translate.

但我難以翻譯它。

I can't paint, draw, sculpt, or even haberdash,

我不會畫畫、描繪、 雕塑，或甚至縫紉，

and as for the written word,

至於書寫的文字，

I'm OK at it but it's a tortuous process of translation,

我還可以，

但那是個很迂迴的翻譯過程，

and I don't feel it does the job.

且我不覺得它有效。

And as far as speaking my own mind, like I said, I'm not great at it.

至於說出我的內心話， 就像我先前說的，我不擅長。

Speech has always felt like an inadequate freeze-frame

總覺得演說就像是把我內在的生命

for the life inside of me.

做了個不恰當的定格。

All this to say,

說這些的意思是，我所能了解的，

I've always understood far more than I've ever been able to communicate.

向來都遠多過我所能傳達的。

Now, about a year before Grandma died,

大約在我祖母過世前一年，

I was formally diagnosed with autism.

我被正式診斷出自閉症。

Now for me, that was mostly good news.

對我來說，那算是好消息。

I always thought that I couldn't sort my life out like a normal person

我總是認為我無法像 正常人一樣理清我的生活，

because I was depressed and anxious.

因為我感到憂鬱和焦慮。

But it turns out

但，結果發現，

I was depressed and anxious

我之所以感到憂鬱和焦慮，

because I couldn't sort my life out like a normal person,

是因為我無法像正常人 一樣理清我的生活，

because I was not a normal person,

是因為我不是正常人，

and I didn't know it.

而我過去並不知道。

Now, this is not to say I still don't struggle.

這並不是說我現在就很順遂。

Every day is a bit of a struggle,

老實說我每天都還是有些掙扎，

to be honest.

但至少，現在我知道 我在掙扎什麼，

But at least now I know what my struggle is,

and getting to the starting line of normal is not it.

並不是要前往正常的起跑線。

My struggle is not to escape the storm.

我的掙扎並不是要逃離暴風。

My struggle is to find the eye of the storm as best I can.

我的掙扎是要盡可能找到暴風眼。

Now, apart from the usual way us spectrum types find our calm --

除了我們這種人讓自己 冷靜的常見方式——

repetitive behaviors, routine and obsessive thinking --

重覆的行為、例行公事、 強迫的執念——

I have another surprising doorway into the eye of the storm:

我還有另一種讓人驚訝的門路

可以進入暴風眼：

stand-up comedy.

即興演出喜劇。

And if you need any more proof I'm neurodivergent, yes,

如果各位還需要更多證據 來證明我有神經多樣性，是的，

I am calm doing a thing that scares the hell out of most people.

讓我冷靜的方式就是在做這件 會讓大部分人緊張得要死的事情。

I'm almost dead inside up here.

我現在在台上， 內在幾乎跟死了一樣。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Diagnosis gave me a framework on which to hang bits of me

診斷給了我一個框架，

讓我可以把我不了解的 自己掛在上面，

I could never understand.

My misfit suddenly had a fit,

我的不相容突然間有了個 相容之處，有段時間，

and for a while, I got giddy with a newfound confidence

我在我的想法中新找到的 自信還讓我頭昏眼花。

I had in my thinking.

But after Grandma died, that confidence took a dive,

但在祖母過世後， 那種信心沉入了海底，

because thinking is how I grieve.

因為思考是我哀悼的方式。

And in that grief of thought,

在那哀悼的思考中，

I could suddenly see with so much clarity

我突然可以清楚地看見，

just how profoundly isolated I was and always had been.

過去一直以來， 我的孤立有多麼深刻。

What was the purpose of my human?

我人生的目的是什麼？

I began to think a lot about how autism and PTSD have so much in common.

我開始花很多心思去想，

自閉症和創傷後壓力症候群有多雷同。

And I started to worry,

我開始擔心，

because I had both.

因為我兩種都有。

Could I ever untangle them?

我有可能解開它們嗎？

I'd always been told that the way out of trauma

大家總是告訴我， 要走出創傷的方式，

was through a cohesive narrative.

就是要透過平鋪直敘的故事。

I had a cohesive narrative,

我有平鋪直敘的故事，

but I was still at the mercy of my traumas.

但我仍然被我的創傷所擺佈。

They're all part of my soup, but the onions still stung.

它們都是我的湯的一部分， 但洋蔥仍然很刺鼻。

And at that point, I realized

在那個時點，我了解到，

that I'd been telling my stories for laughs.

過去，我講我的故事 一直是為了搏君一笑。

I'd been trimming away the darkness, cutting away the pain

我總會把黑暗的部分 修剪掉，把痛苦除去，

and holding on to my trauma for the comfort of my audience.

緊抓著我的創傷， 來安慰我的觀眾。

I was connecting other people through laughs,

我用「笑」來連結其他人，

yet I remained profoundly disconnected.

但我卻仍然十分孤立。

What was the purpose of my human?

我人生的目的是什麼？

I did not have an answer,

我沒有答案，

but I had an idea.

但我有個想法。

I had an idea to tell my truth,

我的想法是說出我的事實真相，

all of it,

全部的真相，

not to share laughs but to share the literal, visceral pain of my trauma.

不是分享笑料，

而是分享我的創傷造成的痛苦， 真實、自內心深處的痛苦。

And I thought the best way to do that would be through a comedy show.

要做到這一點，我認為最好的 做法就是用即興喜劇表演。

And that is what I did.

我確實這麼做了。

I wrote a comedy show that did not respect the punchline,

我寫了一部不尊重點睛之處的喜劇，

that line where comedians are expected and trusted to pull their punches

大家都期望、相信喜劇演員 會在那些點睛之處

and turn them into tickles.

將重擊轉換為逗趣。

I did not stop.

我並沒有停下來， 我讓重擊躍過了那條線，

I punched through that line

into the metaphorical guts of my audience.

就像是直接擊中了 我觀眾的五臟六腑。

I did not want to make them laugh.

我並不想讓他們發笑。

I wanted to take their breath away,

我想要讓他們摒息凝神，

to shock them,

想要震驚他們，這樣他們 才會傾聽我的故事，

so they could listen to my story and hold my pain

感受我的痛苦，

as individuals, not as a mindless, laughing mob.

以個人的身分傾聽， 而不是無腦大笑的大眾。

And that's what I did, and I called that show "Nanette."

我就這麼做了， 這部作品叫做《娜內特》。

Now, many --

許多人——

(Applause)

（掌聲）

Now, many have argued

許多人爭辯說

that "Nanette" is not a comedy show.

《娜內特》不是喜劇。

And while I can agree "Nanette" is definitely not a comedy show,

雖然我能同意《娜內特》 絕對不是喜劇，

those people are still wrong --

但那些人仍然錯了——

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

because they have framed their argument

因為他們築造他們這項論點的方式

as a way of saying I failed to do comedy.

就好像在說我的喜劇表演失敗了。

I did not fail to do comedy.

我的喜劇表演並沒有失敗。

I took everything I knew about comedy --

我用上了我對喜劇所知的一切——

all the tricks, the tools, the know-how --

所有的技倆、工具、專業知識——

I took all that, and with it, I broke comedy.

我全都用上了， 我用它們來打破喜劇。

You cannot break comedy with comedy

如果你的喜劇表演失敗了，

if you fail at comedy.

你就不可能用喜劇打破喜劇。

Flaccid be thy hammer.

你的棒槌太弱了。

(Laughter) (Applause)

（笑聲）（掌聲）

That was not my point.

那不是我的重點。

The point was not simply to break comedy.

重點不是要打破喜劇。

The point was to break comedy so I could rebuild it and reshape it,

重點是要打破喜劇， 讓我可以重建它、重塑它、

reform it into something that could better hold everything

重造它，讓我更能用它來分享

I needed to share,

我想分享的一切，

and that is what I meant when I said I quit comedy.

我剛才說放棄喜劇，就是這個意思。

Now, it's probably at this point where you're going, "Yeah, cool,

此時，你大概會想問： 「好啊，很酷，

但這三個想法到底是什麼？

but what are the three ideas, exactly?

It's a bit vague."

有點模糊。」

I'm glad I pretended you asked.

很高興我假裝你們問了。

(Laughter)

（笑聲） （一般是說：很高興你們問了。）

Now, I'm sure there's quite a few of you who have already identified three ideas.

我相信在座有些人

已經找出了這三個想法。

A smart crowd, by all accounts,

從各方面來說，你們都是 很聰明的一群觀眾，

so I wouldn't be surprised at all.

所以我完全不感到意外。

But you might be surprised to find out that I don't have three ideas.

但你們可能會很驚訝， 因為我沒有三個想法。

I told you I had three ideas, and that was a lie.

我之前告訴各位我有 三個想法，那是我說謊。

That was pure misdirection -- I'm very funny.

那完全是誤導——我非常好笑。

What I've done instead is I've taken whole handfuls of my ideas as seeds,

我所做的反而是，

把我的想法當成種子 一樣，整把抓起來，

and I've scattered them all throughout my talk.

散播在這場演說的各處。

And why did I do that?

我為什麼要這麼做？

Well, apart from shits and giggles,

除了做爽之外，

it comes down to something my grandma always used to say.

可歸結為我祖母常說的一句話：

"It's not the garden, it's the gardening that counts."

「重要的不是花園， 而是從事園藝。」

And "Nanette" taught me the truth to that truism.

《娜內特》教了我 那自明之理的真相。

I fully expected by breaking the contract of comedy

我完全預期，透過打破喜劇的契約，

and telling my story in all its truth and pain

以及說出我的故事的真相與痛苦，

that that would push me further into the margins of both life and art.

就能夠將我進一步推向 人生和藝術的邊緣。

I expected that, and I was willing to pay that cost in order to tell my truth.

我預期會那樣，且我願意 付出代價來說出我的真相。

But that is not what happened.

但，發生的經過並非如此。

The world did not push me away. It pulled me closer.

世界並沒有把我推開， 它把我拉近了。

Through an act of disconnection, I found connection.

透過切斷連結的行為， 我找到了連結。

And it took me a long time to understand

我花了很長的時間才了解

that what is at the heart of that contradiction

那種矛盾的核心，

is also at the heart of the contradiction

也正是「我如此擅長 做我不擅長的事」

as to why I can be so good at something I am so bad at.

這個矛盾的核心。

You see, in the real world,

要知道，在真實世界中， 我要和人談話都有困難，

I struggle to talk to people

because my neurodiversity makes it difficult for me to think,

因為我的神經多樣性 讓我很難將思考、

listen, speak and process new information

傾聽、說話，及處理新資訊，

all at the same time.

在同時進行。

But onstage, I don't have to think.

但在台上，我不用思考。

I prepare my thinks well in advance.

我在事前就已經 把我的思考準備好了。

I don't have to listen. That is your job.

我不用聽。那是你們的工作。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And I don't really have to talk,

我其實也不用說話，

because, strictly speaking, I'm reciting.

因為，嚴格來說，我是在背誦。

So all that is left

所以，我剩下要做的就只有

is for me to do my best

盡力而為，

to make a genuine connection with my audience.

和觀眾有真實的連結。

And if the experience of "Nanette" taught me anything,

如果《娜內特》的經驗 有讓我學到什麼，

it's that connection depends not just on me.

那就是，連結靠的不只是我一個人。

You play a part.

你們也扮演了一個角色。

"Nanette" may have begun in me,

也許《娜內特》是始於我的內在，

but she now lives and grows in a whole world of other minds,

但她現在生活、成長 在全世界其他人的腦中，

minds I do not share.

有別於我的腦中。

But I trust I am connected.

但我相信我和那個世界有所連結。

And in that, she is so much bigger than me,

在那裡，她比我還要大很多，

just like the purpose of being human is so much bigger than all of us.

就像人生的目的， 比我們所有人都還要大很多。

Make of that what you will.

要怎麼想由你們自己決定。

Thank you, and hello.

非常謝謝，以及「哈囉」。

(Applause)

（掌聲）