Embrace your raw, strange magic | Casey Gerald

翻译人员: Wen He 校对人员: Tianji (Homer) Li

[This talk contains mature content]

[此演讲含少儿不宜内容]

My mother called this summer to stage an intervention.

今年夏天，我母亲打电话 来想对我进行干预，

She'd come across a few snippets of my memoir,

她偶然看到了我 回忆录中的几段话

which wasn't even out yet,

这回忆录当时还没出版，

and she was concerned.

她很担忧，

It wasn't the sex.

让她担心的跟不是性取向。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

It was the language that disturbed her.

而是其中的语言。

For example:

例如：

"I have been so many things

“在我充满好奇的旅途中，

along my curious journey:

我曾扮演过许多角色，

a poor boy, a nigger,

一个穷小子，一个黑鬼，

a Yale man, a Harvard man,

一个耶鲁学生，一个哈佛学生，

a faggot, a Christian,

一个基佬，一个基督徒，

a crack baby, alleged,

一个毒品婴儿，一位犯罪嫌疑人，

the spawn of Satan, the Second Coming,

撒旦之子，耶稣再临，

Casey."

凯西，”

That's just page six.

这仅仅是第六页。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

So you may understand my mother's worry.

所以你大概能理解 我母亲的担忧。

But she wanted only to make one small change.

但是她仅仅是想做 一点小小的改变。

So she called, and she began,

所以她打电话过来，说道，

"Hey, you are a man.

“嘿，你是一个男人。

You're not a faggot, you're not a punk,

你不是个基佬， 不是个小混混，

and let me tell you the difference.

让我来告诉你其中的区别。

You are prominent. You are intelligent.

你很杰出，充满智慧。

You dress well. You know how to speak.

你衣冠得体，谈吐不凡。

People like you.

大家都喜欢你。

You don't walk around doing your hand like a punk.

你不像小混混一样甩手 在路上走来走去。

You're not a vagabond on the street.

你不是街上的流浪汉。

You are an upstanding person

你是个正直的人，

who just happens to be gay.

只是碰巧是同性恋。

Don't put yourself over there

当你处在世界的这一边时，

when you are over here."

就不要把自己放在另一边。”

She thought she'd done me a favor,

她以为她帮了我，

and in a way, she had.

在某种程度上， 她确实是帮了我。

Her call clarified what I am trying to do with my life

她的这通电话理清了 我要在自己的生活中

and in my work as a writer,

及作为一名作家在工作中 去试着去做的事，

which is to send one simple message:

那就是传递一个简单的信息：

the way we're taught to live has got to change.

我们所被教导的 生活方式得改变了。

I learned this the hard way.

我通过一个惨痛的 教训学到了这一点。

I was born not on the wrong side of the tracks,

我并非生于一贫二白的轨道边，

but on the wrong side of a whole river,

而是一贫二白的河岸边，

the Trinity, down in Oak Cliff, Texas.

位于德克萨斯州橡树崖 地区的特里尼蒂河。

I was raised there in part by my grandmother

在那里我曾被我的奶奶抚养过

who worked as a domestic,

她是一个仆人，

and by my sister,

也被我姐姐抚养过，

who adopted me a few years after our mother,

她在

who struggled with mental illness,

曾与精神疾病斗争的母亲

disappeared.

失踪几年后收养了我。

And it was that disappearance,

正是

that began when I was 13 and lasted for five years,

在我13岁时开始且持续了 5年的母亲失踪的经历

that shaped the person I became,

塑造了我之后成为的人，

the person I later had to unbecome.

以及后来我不得不 改正而成为的人。

Before she left, my mother had been my human hiding place.

在我母亲失踪之前， 她是我的保护伞。

She was the only other person who seemed as strange as me,

她是唯独一个有别于其他人， 似乎和我一样奇怪的人，

beautifully strange,

美丽而奇怪，

some mix of Blanche DuBois from "A Streetcar Named Desire"

有点像《欲望号街车》 里的布兰奇·杜包尔斯，

and a 1980s Whitney Houston.

及20世纪80年代的 惠特妮·休斯顿。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I'm not saying she was perfect,

我并不是说她是完美的，

just that I sure benefited from her imperfections.

而是说我肯定从她的 不完美中有所收益。

And maybe that's what magic is, after all:

毕竟，那有可能即是魔法：

a useful mistake.

一个有用的错误。

So when she began to disappear for days at a time,

所以当她每次消失好几天时，

I turned to some magic of my own.

我找到了我自己的某种魔法。

It struck me, as from above,

像我母亲的魔法那样，它让我震惊，

that I could conjure up my mother just by walking perfectly

我可以召唤出我的妈妈， 仅通过完成

从位于陡峭山坡的小学

from my elementary school at the top of a steep hill

all the way down to my grandmother's house,

到位于山谷的奶奶家的完美步行。

placing one foot, and one foot only, in each sidewalk square.

在完美步行中，我会放一只脚，仅仅 只放一只脚在每一块人行道的方块中。

I couldn't let any part of any foot touch the line between the square,

我不能让脚的任何一部分 踩到方块边缘上，

I couldn't skip a square,

我不能越过一个方块，

all the way to the last square at the last blade of grass

一直到挨着一大片草地的 最后一个方块，

that separated our lawn from our driveway.

这片草地分开了我们家门 前口的草坪和家门前的公路。

And I bullshit you not, it worked --

我不是在跟你胡扯， 我的魔法起效了——

just once though.

不过仅有一次。

But if my perfect walk could not bring my mother back,

但如果说我的完美步行 没有带回我的母亲，

I found that this approach had other uses.

我发现这个方法还有其他用处。

I found that everyone else in charge around me

我发现身边管制我的人

loved nothing more than perfection,

对于完美、顺从、屈服的喜爱

obedience, submission.

超过其他一切。

Or at least if I submitted, they wouldn't bother me too much.

或者说，如果我向他们屈服， 他们就不会怎么烦扰我。

So I took a bargain

所以我给自己定了个协议，

that I'd later see in a prison, a Stasi prison in Berlin,

之后我在一个监狱，柏林的 史塔西监狱，看到这样的协议，

on a sign that read,

一个标示牌上写着，

"He who adapts can live tolerably."

“适者生存。”

It was a bargain that helped ensure

正是这个协议确保

I had a place to stay and food to eat;

我有地方可住，有食物可吃；

a bargain that won me praise of teachers and kin, strangers;

这个协议让我赢得了 老师、亲人、陌生人的赞赏；

a bargain that paid off big time, it seemed,

这个协议似乎让我受益无限，

when one day at 17, a man from Yale showed up at my high school to recruit me

在我17岁的时候，一个 耶鲁大学的男人来到我的高中招我

for Yale's football team.

进耶鲁大学的橄榄球队。

It felt as out of the blue to me then as it may to you now.

当时这个消息让我感到意外， 正如你们现在感到意外一样。

The Yale man said -- everybody said --

这个男人说道，每个人都说，

that this was the best thing that could ever happen to me,

这是发生在我身上 最幸运的一件事，

the best thing that could happen to the whole community.

对我所在的社区而言 发生的最好的一件事。

"Take this ticket, boy," they told me.

他们告诉我，“收下这张 通往耶鲁的票。”

I was not so sure.

我不太确定。

Yale seemed another world entire:

耶鲁似乎完全是另一个世界：

a cold, foreign, hostile place.

一个寒冷、陌生、充满敌意的地方。

On the first day of my recruiting visit,

在我访问耶鲁的第一天，

I texted my sister an excuse for not going.

我给我姐姐发短信，解释 一个不去耶鲁的理由，我说道，

"These people are so weird."

“这些人太古怪了。”

She replied, "You'll fit right in."

她回复道，“那不正适合你吗？”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I took the ticket

我收下了那张票，

and worked damn hard to fit right in.

费心费力地去马上适应。

When my freshman advisor warned me not to wear my fitted hats on campus ...

当我大一的指导老师警告 我别在学校里戴我的棒球帽，

"You're at Yale now. You don't have to do that anymore," she said.

她说，“你现在在耶鲁， 你没必要戴那种帽子了。”

I figured, this was just one of the small prices

我想，这是要适应 耶鲁所必须付出

that must be paid to make it.

的小带价之一。

I paid them all, or tried,

我付出了或者尝试了所有的代价，

and sure enough they seemed to pay me back:

当然，他们也给了我一定回报：

made me a leader on the varsity football team;

让我成为橄榄球代表队的领导者，

got me into a not-so-secret society

加入算不上秘密的社团，

and a job on Wall Street, and later in Washington.

得到一份在华尔街的工作， 以及后来在华盛顿的工作。

Things were going so well that I figured naturally

这一切都进展得如此顺利， 以至于我自然而然认为

I should be President of the United States.

我怕是要成为美国总统。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But since I was only 24

但因为我才24岁，

and since even presidents have to start somewhere,

因为甚至总统也要 从某一处开始，

I settled instead on a run for Congress.

于是我从竞选国会开始。

Now, this was in the afterglow of that great 2008 election:

那时，国会选举还在伟大的 2008总统选举后的余晖中，

the election during which a serious, moderate senator stressed,

在国会选举中，一位 严肃谦逊的参议员说道，

"The message you've got to send more than any other message

“你得向外所传播一条比 其他任何都要传播得多的信息，

is that Barack Obama is just like us."

那就是奥巴马就像咱们。”

They sent that message so well

他们传递这条信息如此到位，

that their campaign became the gold standard of modern politics,

以至于他们的竞选成为了 现代政治的黄金标准，

if not modern life, which also seems to demand

如果不是现代生活的 黄金标准的话，现代政治也

that we each do whatever it takes to be able to say at the end of our days

要求我们每一个人不惜一切代价， 这样在我们最后的日子里可以

with peace and satisfaction, "I was just like everybody else."

带着宁静与满意对自己说， “我只是像其他任何人一样。”

And this would be my message, too.

而我也会这么说。

So one night, I made one final call to my prospective campaign manager.

于是在一个晚上，我最后 打电话给我的未来的竞选经理。

We'd do the things it'd take to win, but first he had one question:

我们这么做，我们就 可以赢，但他有一个问题；

"Is there anything I need to know?"

“还有其他需要我知道的事情吗？”

I held the phone and finally said,

我拿着手机，最后说道，

"Well, you should probably know I'm gay."

“嗯，你大概应该知道我是同性恋。”

Silence.

一阵沉默，

"Hmm. I see," he nearly whispered,

“嗯，我明白了。”他几乎是在私语，

as if he'd found a shiny penny or a dead baby bird.

像他捡到一颗闪亮的1美分 或者一只死去的幼鸟。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

"I'm glad you told me," he continued.

“我很高兴你告诉了我，”他继续说道，

"You definitely didn't make my job any easier.

“你绝对没把我的 工作变得更简单，

I mean, you are in Texas.

我的意思是，你在德克萨斯州。

But it's not impossible, not impossible.

但是这绝非不可能，绝非不可能。

But Casey, let me ask you something:

但是凯西，我想问你一些事情：

How are you going to feel when somebody, say, at a rally, calls you a faggot?

当有人在集会上叫你 基佬时，你是什么感觉？

And let's be real, OK?

让我们面对现实，好吗？

You do understand that somebody might want to physically harm you.

你要知道会有人想 给你造成身体伤害。

I just want to know:

我只是想让你明白：

Are you really ready for this?"

你真的准备好这一切了吗？”

I wasn't.

我没有。

And I could not understand --

并且我无法理解，

could hardly breathe

几乎无法呼吸、

or think, or say a word.

思考、或者说一个字。

But to be clear: the boy that I was at that time

需要说明的是：当时的我

would have leapt at the chance to be harmed,

愿意欣然接受被伤害的后果，

to sacrifice everything, even life, for a cause.

愿意牺牲一切，甚至是 生命，去完成一项伟大事业。

There was something shocking, though --

但是这一过程中有 一点让人感到震惊，

not that there should have been, but there was --

让人震惊的不是事物 佯装而有的样子，而是

in the notion that he might be harmed for nothing more than being himself,

想到一个男孩仅因为做 自己而可能会受到伤害，

which he had not even tried to do in the first place.

而这个男孩并无本意。

All that he -- all that I --

他所--我所--

had tried to do and be was what I thought was asked of me.

尝试做的事，尝试成为的人 都是我认为别人所要求的。

I was prominent for a 24-year-old:

对于一个24岁的人 来说，我杰出有望：

intelligent, I spoke well, dressed decent; I was an upstanding citizen.

聪明，谈吐得体，衣着有型； 我是一位正直的公民。

But the bargain I had accepted could not save me after all,

但是我曾接受的协议 最后并不能让我免于伤害，

nor can it save you.

这个协议也不能让你们免于伤害。

You may have already learned this lesson,

你可能已经吸取了这个教训，

or you will, regardless of your sexuality.

或者说你将来会， 无论你的性取向是什么。

The queer receives a concentrated dose, no doubt,

毫无疑问，酷儿群体 接受了大量这样的协议，

but repression is a bitter pill that's offered to us all.

但是对自己的压抑是给予 我们每个人的苦涩药片。

We're taught to hide so many parts of who we are and what we've been through:

我们被教导隐藏大部分的 自我以及经历：

our love, our pain, for some, our faith.

我们的爱，我们的痛苦， 以及对于有些人我们的信念。

So while coming out to the world can be hard,

所以尽管走出自己的隐藏， 向世界公开自己的身份很困难，

coming in to all the raw, strange magic of ourselves can be much harder.

但走入并包容自己的 原始、奇异魔法则更艰难。

As Miles Davis said, "It takes a long time to sound like yourself."

米勒·大卫曾说，“听起来 像自己要花很长时间。”

That surely was the case for me.

我就是这样的。

I had my private revelation that night at 24,

在我24岁的那个晚上 我有了自己的私人启示，

but mostly went on with my life.

这一启示大部分时间 继续存在于我的生活中。

I went on to Harvard Business School, started a successful nonprofit,

我成为了哈佛商学院的一个学生， 开创了一个成功的非营利组织，

wound up on the cover of a magazine, on the stage at TED.

异常激动地上了杂志封面， 登上了TED的讲台。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I had achieved, by my late 20s,

在我20多岁晚些时候， 我已经达成了

about everything a kid is supposed to achieve.

一个孩子在那时应当实现的一切。

But I was real cracked up:

但是我倍感焦虑：

not exactly having a nervous breakdown, but not too far off,

虽不完全是精神崩溃， 但也离那不远了，

and awful sad either way.

同时我也极度悲伤。

I had never thought of being a writer,

我从未想过成为一个作家，

didn't even read, in earnest, until I was nearly 23.

直到我快23时，都 从未正经地阅读一本书。

But the book business is about the only industry

但是书本行业是唯独一个

that will pay you to investigate your own problems, so --

付给你钱让你深入 调查自己问题的行业，所以--

(Laughter)

（笑声）

So I decided to give it a try,

所以我决定试一试，

to trace those cracks with words.

用文字理清那些焦虑。

Now, what came out on the page was about as strange as I felt at that time,

最后写出的书和 我当时感觉的一样奇怪，

which alarmed some people at first.

这本书最开始让有些人感到惊恐。

A respected writer called to stage his own intervention

一个颇有名誉的作家 在阅读了几篇早期的章节后，

after reading a few early chapters,

打电话给我做出干涉，

and he began, much like my mother,

像我母亲那样，他说道，

"Hey, listen.

“嘿，听着，

You've been hired to write an autobiography.

你被雇佣写一部自传，

It's a straightforward exercise.

这是个简单明了的事情，

It's got a beginning, middle and end,

这本书得有开头，发展，和结尾，

and is grounded in the facts of your life.

并且基于你人生中的事实。

And by the way, there's a great tradition of autobiography in this country,

并且，这个国家有着 自传的伟大传统，

led by people on the margins of society who write to assert their existence.

这一传统由处于社会边缘， 以写作维护自己存在的人引领。

Go buy some of those books and learn from them.

出去买些这样的书，从里面学习吧。

You're going in the wrong direction."

你写的方向是错误的。”

But I no longer believed what we are taught --

但我不再相信我们所被教导的——

that the right direction is the safe direction.

“正确方向”是安全的。

I no longer believed what we are taught --

我不再相信我们被教导的——

that queer lives or black lives or poor lives are marginal lives.

酷儿人群的生命、黑人生命、 或者穷人的生命是微不足道的。

I believed what Kendrick Lamar says on "Section.80.":

我相信肯德里克·拉马尔 在《Section. 80.》里所唱的那样：

"I'm not on the outside looking in.

“我没在里面看着里面，

I'm not on the inside looking out.

我没在外面看着外面，

I'm in the dead fucking center looking around."

我在他妈该死的中央到处看。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

That was the place

那就是我

from which I hoped to work,

渴望工作的方向，

headed in the only direction worth going, the direction of myself,

仅朝着一个值得走的方向， 也就是我自己的方向，

trying to help us all refuse the awful bargains

试图帮助我们拒绝那些

我们被教导承担的可怕协议。

we've been taught to take.

We're taught to turn ourselves

我们被教导把自己

and our work into little nuggets that are easily digestible;

和自己的工作变成 易于消化的小鸡块；

taught to mutilate ourselves so that we make sense to others,

残害改变自己，这样 他人可以认识我们，

to be a stranger to ourselves so the right people might befriend us

和自己做陌生人，这样 正确的人可能会和我们做朋友，

and the right schools might accept us, and the right jobs might hire us,

正确的学校可能会接受我们， 正确的工作可能会招纳我们，

and the right parties might invite us,

正确的派对可能会邀请我们，

and, someday, the right God might invite us to the right heaven

并且，某一天，正确的神可能 就会邀请我们去正确的天堂，

and close his pearly gates behind us,

打开我们后面通往天堂的珍珠大门，

so we can bow down to Him forever and ever.

这样我们就可以永永远远向他鞠躬。

These are the rewards, they say,

他们说，这些都是你

for our obedience:

顺从而得到的奖励：

to be a well-liked holy nugget,

做一个人人喜爱的好好先生，

to be dead.

然后死去。

And I say in return, "No, thank you."

于是我对那位作者、对这个世界、

To the world and to my mother.

对我的母亲说，“不用了，谢谢你。”

Well, to tell you the truth,

好吧，说实话，

all I said was, "OK, Mom, I'll talk to you later."

我给我妈妈说的是， “好的，妈妈，我等会儿给你讲。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But in my mind, I said, "No, thank you."

但在我心里，我说道， “不用了，谢谢。”

I cannot accept her bargain either.

我不能接受她给出的协议，

Nor should you.

同样你们也不该。

It would be easy for many of us in rooms like this

在类似于这样的房间里，如果我们

to see ourselves as safe,

认为自己是安全的，

to keep ourselves over here.

把自己留在这个区域里， 一切都会简单很多。

We speak well, we dress decent,

我们谈吐得体，穿着得当，

we're intelligent, people like us, or act like they do.

我们都充满智慧，他人认可我们 至少他们装作那样。

But instead, I say that we should remember Lot's wife.

但是，我认为我们 应当记住罗德之妻。

Jesus of Nazareth said it first to his disciples:

拿撒勒人耶稣首先对他的信徒说：

"Remember Lot's wife."

“记住罗德之妻。”

Lot, in case you haven't read the Bible recently,

若你们最近没有读《圣经》， 罗德

was a man who set his family down in Sodom,

和他的家人在所多玛安家，

in the midst of a wicked society that God decided he had to destroy.

所多玛是一个罪恶之城， 上帝决定要毁灭它。

But God, being cruel, yet still a sap in part,

但是上帝尽管残忍， 还是免不了犯傻的时候，

rushed two angels out to Sodom to warn Lot to gather up his folks

派出两个天使去往所多玛， 警告罗德召集他的家人朋友，

and get out of Dodge.

避而远之。

Lot heard the angel's warning, but delayed.

罗德听闻了天使的警告， 但是却遭耽搁。

They didn't have all day to wait, so they grabbed Lot's hands

天使没有一整天在罪恶之城等待， 所以他们抓着罗德的手、

and his two daughters' hands, and his wife's hands,

他两个女儿的手、 还有他妻子的手，

and hurried them out of Sodom.

赶快逃离所多玛。

And the angels shout,

同时天使们大声说道，

"Escape to the mountain. Whatever you do, don't look back,"

“跑到山那边去。无论你 做什么，千万不要回头看，”

just as God starts raining down fire on Sodom and Gomorrah.

这个时候，上帝开始降 天火于所多玛与蛾摩拉。

I can't figure out how Gomorrah got dragged into this.

我不懂蛾摩拉是怎么 被牵扯到里面去的。

But Lot and his folks are running,

但是罗德和他的家人朋友在逃跑，

fleeing all that destruction,

避开所有的毁灭，

kicking up dust while the Lord rains down death,

激起尘土，这时上帝 开始降尘土，

and then, for some reason, Lot's wife looks back.

然后，出于某个原因， 罗德的妻子回头看了一眼。

God turns her into a pillar of salt.

上帝把她变成了盐柱。

"Remember Lot's wife," Jesus says.

耶稣说，“记住罗德之妻。”

But I've got a question:

但我有个问题：

Why does she look back?

为什么她要回头望？

Does she look back because she didn't want to miss the mayhem,

她回头看是因为她 不想错过这场大混乱，

wanted one last glimpse of a city on fire?

想要最后看一眼 城市起火的样子吗？

Does she look back because she wanted to be sure that her people

她回头看是因为她 想确定她的家人朋友是否

were far enough from danger to breathe a little easy?

已经离危险足够远，而舒一口气？

I'm so nosy and selfish sometimes, those likely would have been my reasons

有时我会很好管闲事、自私， 上面的推测极有可能是我回头看的理由

if I'd been in her shoes.

如果我遇到她的情况的话。

But what if something else was going on with this woman, Lot's wife?

但如果是有其他别的事情 缠着这个女人，罗德的妻子？

What if she could not bear the thought of leaving those people

万一她不忍心离开城市里的人，

all alone to burn alive,

让他们独自被活生生烧死，

even for righteousness's sake?

即便这一切都是为了正义？

Isn't that possible?

这难道不能可能吗?

If it is, then this backward glance of a disobedient woman

如果有可能，那么这个不服从 上帝指令的女人往后一瞥的故事

may not be a cautionary tale after all.

最后可能不是一个警示性故事。

It may be the bravest act in all the Bible,

而有可能是《圣经》里 最英勇的行为，

even braver than the act that holds the whole Book together,

可能比凝聚《圣经》 这本书的行为，

the crucifixion.

耶稣被钉在十字架上 受刑，更为英勇。

We are told that up on Calvary, on an old rugged cross,

我们被告之在骷髅地， 在破旧生锈的十字架上，

Jesus gave his life to save everybody:

耶稣放弃了他的生命 拯救了每一个人：

billions and billions of strangers for all time to come.

一共救了数百万的陌生人。

It's a nice thing to do.

这是件好事，

It made him famous, that's for sure.

毫无疑问，这也让他出名了。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But Lot's wife was killed,

但是罗德之妻死了，

turned into a pillar of salt,

变成了一根盐柱，

all because she could not turn her back on her friends,

仅因为她无法背叛自己的朋友，

the wicked men of Sodom,

也就是在所多玛的邪恶人类，

and nobody even wrote the woman's name down.

并甚至且没有一个人 记下这个女人的名字。

Oh, to have the courage of Lot's wife.

我们要有罗德之妻的勇气。

That's the kind of courage we need today.

今天我们需要这种勇气，

The courage to put ourselves over there.

这种把我们置身于 安全之外的勇气，

The courage that says that either all of us have to be faggots,

这种勇气赋予我们每一个人自由， 要么我们所有人得是基佬，

or none of us can be faggots, for any of us to be free.

要么我们都不能是基佬。

The courage to stand with other vagabonds in the street,

这种勇气让我们同街上 其他的流浪者并肩，

with all the wretched of the earth,

同地球上一切的不幸站在一起，

to form an army of the least of these,

用被忽视的少数人群组成一支军队，

with the faith that from the naked crust of all we are,

带着做真实自己的信念，

we can build a better world.

我们能建设一个更美好的世界。

Thank you.

谢谢大家。

(Applause)

（掌声）