Embrace your raw, strange magic | Casey Gerald

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Bruce Sung

[This talk contains mature content]

【本演說含成人內容】

My mother called this summer to stage an intervention.

今年夏天，我媽媽打電話來，

想要為我安排介入治療。

She'd come across a few snippets of my memoir,

她看了我的回憶錄中的一些片段，

which wasn't even out yet,

這本回憶錄甚至還沒出版， 而她很憂心。

and she was concerned.

It wasn't the sex.

並不是性的問題。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

It was the language that disturbed her.

是語言風格讓她不舒服。

For example:

比如：

"I have been so many things

「在我的好奇之旅上， 我扮演過好多角色：

along my curious journey:

a poor boy, a nigger,

一個可憐的男孩、一個黑鬼、

a Yale man, a Harvard man,

一個耶魯人、一個哈佛人、

a faggot, a Christian,

一個死玻璃、一個基督徒、

a crack baby, alleged,

據稱是一個毒癮嬰兒、

the spawn of Satan, the Second Coming,

撒旦的崽子、基督復臨、

Casey."

凱西。」

That's just page six.

那不過是書的第六頁。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

So you may understand my mother's worry.

你們可能可以了解我媽媽的擔憂。

But she wanted only to make one small change.

但她只想要做一個小改變。

So she called, and she began,

所以她打電話來，開始說：

"Hey, you are a man.

「嘿，你是個男人。

You're not a faggot, you're not a punk,

你不是死玻璃，你不是小混混， 讓我告訴你差別在哪裡。

and let me tell you the difference.

You are prominent. You are intelligent.

你很卓越。你很聰明。 你衣著得體。

You dress well. You know how to speak.

你知道如何說話。大家喜歡你。

People like you.

You don't walk around doing your hand like a punk.

你不會像小混混一樣遊手好閒。

You're not a vagabond on the street.

你不是街頭的流浪漢。

You are an upstanding person

你是堂堂正正的人，

who just happens to be gay.

只是剛好是同志而已。

Don't put yourself over there

別把你自己置身在那裡，

when you are over here."

因為你是在這裡的。」

She thought she'd done me a favor,

她以為她是在幫我忙，

and in a way, she had.

在某種意義上，的確是。

Her call clarified what I am trying to do with my life

她的電話讓我更清楚知道

我要拿我的人生做什麼，

and in my work as a writer,

以及身為作家，工作上要做什麼，

which is to send one simple message:

即，傳遞出一個簡單的訊息：

the way we're taught to live has got to change.

我們被教導的「過日子的方式」 必須要改變。

I learned this the hard way.

我吃了不少苦頭才明白這一點。

I was born not on the wrong side of the tracks,

我並沒有生在鐵軌錯的一邊， 卻是在整條河錯的一邊，

but on the wrong side of a whole river,

the Trinity, down in Oak Cliff, Texas.

德州，奧克利夫的特里尼提。

I was raised there in part by my grandmother

在那裡養育我的人包括我的祖母，

who worked as a domestic,

她的工作是佣人，還有我姐姐，

and by my sister,

who adopted me a few years after our mother,

她領養了我，時間是在

我們受心理疾病所苦的 媽媽消失之後幾年。

who struggled with mental illness,

disappeared.

And it was that disappearance,

她的失蹤，

that began when I was 13 and lasted for five years,

從我十三歲開始共五年，

that shaped the person I became,

造就了我後來的樣子，

the person I later had to unbecome.

但後來我又變了，脫離那個樣子。

Before she left, my mother had been my human hiding place.

但，在我媽媽離開之前， 她一直是可以讓我躲藏的庇護所。

She was the only other person who seemed as strange as me,

她是唯一一個跟我一樣奇怪的人，

beautifully strange,

一種美麗的奇怪，

some mix of Blanche DuBois from "A Streetcar Named Desire"

像是《慾望街車》中的 布蘭奇 · 杜波依斯

與八〇年代的惠妮休士頓的混合。

and a 1980s Whitney Houston.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I'm not saying she was perfect,

我並不是說她很完美，

just that I sure benefited from her imperfections.

只是說，我肯定 從她的不完美中受惠。

And maybe that's what magic is, after all:

也許，歸根結底，那就是魔法：

a useful mistake.

一個有用的錯誤。

So when she began to disappear for days at a time,

當她開始會一次就消失好幾天時，

I turned to some magic of my own.

我便轉而仰賴我自己的魔法。

It struck me, as from above,

我突然有個天外飛來的想法，

that I could conjure up my mother just by walking perfectly

有個方法可以讓我媽媽魔法般出現， 就是要完美地行走，

from my elementary school at the top of a steep hill

從陡丘頂上我就讀的小學，

all the way down to my grandmother's house,

一路向下走到我祖母的房子，

placing one foot, and one foot only, in each sidewalk square.

一次只能把一隻腳 踏在一個人行道方塊中。

I couldn't let any part of any foot touch the line between the square,

不能讓腳的任何一部分 碰觸到方塊間的界線，

I couldn't skip a square,

不能跳過任何一個方塊，

all the way to the last square at the last blade of grass

一路走到最後一個方塊， 走到將我們的草皮

that separated our lawn from our driveway.

和我們的車道分開的 最後一片草葉。

And I bullshit you not, it worked --

我沒有唬你們，真的有用——

just once though.

不過，只有一次有用。

But if my perfect walk could not bring my mother back,

但，就算我的完美走路法 無法把我媽媽帶回來，

I found that this approach had other uses.

我發現這個方法還有其他的用途。

I found that everyone else in charge around me

我發現我身邊每個負責的人

loved nothing more than perfection,

都只愛完美、

obedience, submission.

服從、歸順。

Or at least if I submitted, they wouldn't bother me too much.

或至少，如果我歸順了， 他們就不太會找我麻煩。

所以我做了協議，

So I took a bargain

that I'd later see in a prison, a Stasi prison in Berlin,

後來，我在柏林 一個國家安全部的人

所帶的標語上看到這種協議：

on a sign that read,

"He who adapts can live tolerably."

「適應的人能夠過得去。」

It was a bargain that helped ensure

這項協議協助確保

I had a place to stay and food to eat;

我有地方待、有食物吃；

a bargain that won me praise of teachers and kin, strangers;

是讓我贏得老師、親戚、 陌生人稱讚的一項協議；

a bargain that paid off big time, it seemed,

似乎後續有很大回報的一項協議，

when one day at 17, a man from Yale showed up at my high school to recruit me

我十七歲時有一天，有一個 來自耶魯的人來到我的高中，

招募我加入耶魯的足球隊。

for Yale's football team.

It felt as out of the blue to me then as it may to you now.

我當時感意外的程度 和你們現在差不多。

The Yale man said -- everybody said --

這個耶魯人說——大家都說——

that this was the best thing that could ever happen to me,

這是我能遇到最棒的事，

the best thing that could happen to the whole community.

這整個社區能遇到最棒的事。

"Take this ticket, boy," they told me.

他們告訴我： 「把握這張門票，孩子。」

I was not so sure.

但我沒有這麼肯定。

Yale seemed another world entire:

耶魯似乎是全然不同的世界：

a cold, foreign, hostile place.

冰冷、陌生、有敵意的地方。

On the first day of my recruiting visit,

在我招生參訪的第一天，

I texted my sister an excuse for not going.

我用訊息傳了一個 不去的藉口給我姐姐。

"These people are so weird."

「這些人好奇怪。」

She replied, "You'll fit right in."

她回：「那你會如魚得水。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I took the ticket

我用了這張門票，

and worked damn hard to fit right in.

非常盡力去融入。

When my freshman advisor warned me not to wear my fitted hats on campus ...

當我的新鮮人指導顧問警告我，

在校園不用戴我那些棒球帽……

"You're at Yale now. You don't have to do that anymore," she said.

她說：「你現在在耶魯了。 你不需要再那麼做了。」

I figured, this was just one of the small prices

我想，這是要成功所必須要

that must be paid to make it.

付出的小代價之一。

I paid them all, or tried,

我全都付了，至少試著付了，

and sure enough they seemed to pay me back:

當然，我似乎有得到回報：

made me a leader on the varsity football team;

讓我成了足球校隊的隊長；

got me into a not-so-secret society

讓我進入了個不怎麼秘密的兄弟會，

and a job on Wall Street, and later in Washington.

在華爾街得到一份工作， 後來到華盛頓工作。

Things were going so well that I figured naturally

一切都很順利，讓我覺得 若再這樣自然發展下去，

I should be President of the United States.

我就會變成美國總統。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But since I was only 24

但，因為我只有二十四歲，

and since even presidents have to start somewhere,

且即使是總統也得有個起步點，

I settled instead on a run for Congress.

我就妥協退一步，去競選國會。

Now, this was in the afterglow of that great 2008 election:

這是 2008 年選舉的餘輝：

the election during which a serious, moderate senator stressed,

在該選舉中，一位嚴肅、

溫和的議員指出：

"The message you've got to send more than any other message

「你最應該要傳遞出來的訊息

is that Barack Obama is just like us."

就是歐巴馬和我們沒兩樣。」

They sent that message so well

他們把這個訊息傳遞得真好，

that their campaign became the gold standard of modern politics,

以致於他們的的競選活動 變成了現代政治的黃金標準，

if not modern life, which also seems to demand

甚至是現代生活的 黃金標準，它似乎也要求

that we each do whatever it takes to be able to say at the end of our days

我們每個人都要不計代價做到 能夠在我們的日子終了時，

with peace and satisfaction, "I was just like everybody else."

帶著祥和與滿足，說： 「我和所有其他人一樣。」

And this would be my message, too.

這也是我的訊息。

So one night, I made one final call to my prospective campaign manager.

有一天晚上，我打了最後一通電話 給我未來的競選活動經理。

We'd do the things it'd take to win, but first he had one question:

我們會做勝選需要的事情， 但首先，他有一個問題：

"Is there anything I need to know?"

「有什麼我需要知道的嗎？」

I held the phone and finally said,

我拿著電話，終於說：

"Well, you should probably know I'm gay."

「嗯，你可能應該要知道， 我是同性戀。」

Silence.

沉默。

"Hmm. I see," he nearly whispered,

他用近乎耳語的聲音說： 「嗯，我知道了。」

as if he'd found a shiny penny or a dead baby bird.

說得好像他發現了閃亮的一分錢 或是一隻死掉的小鳥。

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

"I'm glad you told me," he continued.

他繼續說：「很高興你告訴我。」

"You definitely didn't make my job any easier.

「你肯定沒有讓我的工作更輕鬆。 我的意思是，你在德州。

I mean, you are in Texas.

But it's not impossible, not impossible.

但不是不可能，不是不可能。

But Casey, let me ask you something:

但，凱西，讓我問你一件事：

How are you going to feel when somebody, say, at a rally, calls you a faggot?

在集會上若有人稱你為死玻璃，

你會有什麼感覺？

And let's be real, OK?

咱們實際點，好嗎？

You do understand that somebody might want to physically harm you.

你應該知道，有人可能會 想要對你做出人身傷害。

I just want to know:

我只想知道：

Are you really ready for this?"

你真的準備好面對這些了嗎？」

I wasn't.

我沒準備好。

And I could not understand --

且我無法了解——

could hardly breathe

幾乎無法呼吸，

or think, or say a word.

或思考，或說出一個字。

But to be clear: the boy that I was at that time

但，讓我說清楚： 當時還是個男孩的我，

would have leapt at the chance to be harmed,

會願意一賭冒著被傷害的險，

to sacrifice everything, even life, for a cause.

願意為理想犧牲一切，甚至生命。

There was something shocking, though --

不過，有一點很讓人震驚——

not that there should have been, but there was --

並不是說本來應該要有， 但就是有——

in the notion that he might be harmed for nothing more than being himself,

就是這個概念：他可能 只因為做自己就被傷害，

which he had not even tried to do in the first place.

且他甚至一開始都沒有 打算要做自己呢。

All that he -- all that I --

所有他——所有我——

had tried to do and be was what I thought was asked of me.

試著要做的／成為的，就是 我認為別人要我做的／成為的。

I was prominent for a 24-year-old:

就二十四歲的人來說，我很突出：

intelligent, I spoke well, dressed decent; I was an upstanding citizen.

聰明、很會說話、儀容得體； 我是堂堂正正的公民。

But the bargain I had accepted could not save me after all,

但我所接受的協議，

終究還是無法拯救我，

nor can it save you.

它也無法拯救你。

You may have already learned this lesson,

你可能已經學到這一課了，

or you will, regardless of your sexuality.

或者將來才會學到， 不論你的性向是什麼。

The queer receives a concentrated dose, no doubt,

無疑的，劑量會集中在酷兒身上，

but repression is a bitter pill that's offered to us all.

但「打壓」是一種很苦的藥丸， 每個人都有領到。

We're taught to hide so many parts of who we are and what we've been through:

我們被教導要把我們部分的自己， 及我們部分的經歷給隱藏起來：

our love, our pain, for some, our faith.

我們的愛、我們的痛苦， 對一些人來說，還有我們的信念。

So while coming out to the world can be hard,

所以，雖然出櫃面對 世界是很困難的事，

coming in to all the raw, strange magic of ourselves can be much harder.

入櫃躲到我們自己那不成熟、 奇怪的魔法中，可能會更困難。

As Miles Davis said, "It takes a long time to sound like yourself."

邁爾士戴維斯說過：「要花很長的 時間，才能聽起來像你自己。」

That surely was the case for me.

我肯定就是他說的那樣。

I had my private revelation that night at 24,

二十四歲的那個晚上， 我得到了我自己私人的啟示，

but mostly went on with my life.

但我大致上還是繼續過我的人生。

I went on to Harvard Business School, started a successful nonprofit,

我去讀了哈佛商學院， 成立了成功的非營利機構，

wound up on the cover of a magazine, on the stage at TED.

最終也上了雜誌的封面， 上了 TED 的舞台。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I had achieved, by my late 20s,

我還不到三十歲，就幾乎達成了 一個孩子應該要達成的一切。

about everything a kid is supposed to achieve.

But I was real cracked up:

但我真的要碎裂了：

not exactly having a nervous breakdown, but not too far off,

還沒到精神崩潰，但也不遠了，

and awful sad either way.

不論哪一種，都很悲哀。

I had never thought of being a writer,

我從來沒有想過要當作家，

didn't even read, in earnest, until I was nearly 23.

說真的，近二十三歲時 我才開始熱切地閱讀。

But the book business is about the only industry

但書籍業似乎是唯一會付錢讓你

that will pay you to investigate your own problems, so --

探究自身問題的行業，所以——

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

So I decided to give it a try,

所以我決定一試，

to trace those cracks with words.

用文字來追蹤那些裂縫。

Now, what came out on the page was about as strange as I felt at that time,

呈現在頁面上的成果， 和我當時的感受一樣奇怪，

which alarmed some people at first.

一開始，這點讓一些人感到不安。

A respected writer called to stage his own intervention

一位受敬重的作家， 在讀了前面幾章之後，

after reading a few early chapters,

打電話來干預，

and he began, much like my mother,

他用和我媽媽很像的方式 開始講電話：

"Hey, listen.

「嘿，聽著。

You've been hired to write an autobiography.

你是受僱寫一本自傳。

It's a straightforward exercise.

自傳是很直截了當的東西。

It's got a beginning, middle and end,

它有開端、中間，和結尾，

and is grounded in the facts of your life.

且以你人生中的事實為基礎。

And by the way, there's a great tradition of autobiography in this country,

順便一提，在這個國家， 自傳有一項很偉大的傳統，

led by people on the margins of society who write to assert their existence.

它是由社會邊緣的人所領導， 寫自傳是為了維護他們的存在。

Go buy some of those books and learn from them.

去買一些那種書，向他們學習。

You're going in the wrong direction."

你走錯方向了。」

But I no longer believed what we are taught --

但我不再相信別人教導我們的——

that the right direction is the safe direction.

正確的方向就是安全的方向。

I no longer believed what we are taught --

但我不再相信別人教導我們的——

that queer lives or black lives or poor lives are marginal lives.

酷兒、黑人，或窮人 所過的生活是邊緣的生活。

I believed what Kendrick Lamar says on "Section.80.":

我相信肯德里克拉馬爾 在《Section.80》上說的：

"I'm not on the outside looking in.

「我並不是身在外面向內看。

I'm not on the inside looking out.

我並不是身在裡面向外看。

I'm in the dead fucking center looking around."

我就在他媽的中心向四周看。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

That was the place

我就是希望能夠 從這個地方開始努力，

from which I hoped to work,

headed in the only direction worth going, the direction of myself,

朝向唯一值得去的方向前進， 我自己的方向，

trying to help us all refuse the awful bargains

試著協助我們所有人，

去拒絕以前我們 被教導要接受的協議。

we've been taught to take.

We're taught to turn ourselves

我們被教導要將我們自己

and our work into little nuggets that are easily digestible;

和我們的行為轉變成 好消化的小雞塊；

taught to mutilate ourselves so that we make sense to others,

我們被教導要肢解我們自己， 以讓他人覺得合理，

to be a stranger to ourselves so the right people might befriend us

要遠離真實的自己， 對的人才會和我們做朋友，

and the right schools might accept us, and the right jobs might hire us,

對的學校才會接受我們， 對的工作才會僱用我們，

and the right parties might invite us,

對的黨派才會邀請我們，

and, someday, the right God might invite us to the right heaven

有一天，對的神才可能 邀請我們進入對的天堂，

and close his pearly gates behind us,

關上我們背後的天堂之門，

so we can bow down to Him forever and ever.

這樣我們才能永遠對他臣服。

These are the rewards, they say,

他們說，這些就是我們順從的獎勵：

for our obedience:

to be a well-liked holy nugget,

成為非常討喜的神聖小雞塊，

to be dead.

變成跟死了一樣。

And I say in return, "No, thank you."

我回說：「不了，謝謝你。」

To the world and to my mother.

對世界以及對我媽媽說。

Well, to tell you the truth,

老實告訴各位，我說的只有： 「好，媽，我晚點再跟你說。」

all I said was, "OK, Mom, I'll talk to you later."

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But in my mind, I said, "No, thank you."

但在我心中，我說了： 「不了，謝謝你。」

I cannot accept her bargain either.

我也無法接受她的妥協。

Nor should you.

你們也不應該。

It would be easy for many of us in rooms like this

對在像類似這間房間裡的 許多人來說，很容易

to see ourselves as safe,

就認為我們自己是安全的，

to keep ourselves over here.

讓我們自己一直置身在這裡。

We speak well, we dress decent,

我們很會說話，我們的衣著得體，

we're intelligent, people like us, or act like they do.

我們很聰明，大家喜歡我們， 至少表面上是這樣。

But instead, I say that we should remember Lot's wife.

但，反之，我說我們應該 要記得羅得的妻子。

Jesus of Nazareth said it first to his disciples:

這句話，拿撒勒的耶穌 最早是對他的弟子說：

"Remember Lot's wife."

「要記得羅得的妻子。」

Lot, in case you haven't read the Bible recently,

如果你最近沒在讀聖經，

was a man who set his family down in Sodom,

羅得把家人安置在所多瑪，

in the midst of a wicked society that God decided he had to destroy.

而當時上帝決定要摧毀 那個邪惡的所多瑪城。

But God, being cruel, yet still a sap in part,

但，神雖然很殘酷， 有時候還是像個傻瓜，

rushed two angels out to Sodom to warn Lot to gather up his folks

祂派兩個天使趕到所多瑪 去警告羅得聚集他的人，

and get out of Dodge.

離開道奇市。

Lot heard the angel's warning, but delayed.

羅得聽到了天使的警告，卻延遲了。

They didn't have all day to wait, so they grabbed Lot's hands

天使不可能等上一整天， 所以他們抓了羅得的手，

and his two daughters' hands, and his wife's hands,

以及他兩個女兒的手， 還有他妻子的手，

and hurried them out of Sodom.

要他們趕緊離開所多瑪。

And the angels shout,

天使大喊：

"Escape to the mountain. Whatever you do, don't look back,"

「逃到山中。不論如何， 都不要回頭看。」

just as God starts raining down fire on Sodom and Gomorrah.

此時神也開始在所多瑪 和蛾摩拉降下火雨。

I can't figure out how Gomorrah got dragged into this.

我想不透蛾摩拉為什麼被捲入。

But Lot and his folks are running,

但羅得和他的人正在逃跑，

fleeing all that destruction,

逃離那毀滅，

kicking up dust while the Lord rains down death,

當主正在讓死亡隨火雨降臨，

and then, for some reason, Lot's wife looks back.

接著，基於某種理由，

羅得的妻子回頭看了。

God turns her into a pillar of salt.

神將她變成鹽柱。

"Remember Lot's wife," Jesus says.

耶穌說：「要記得羅得的妻子。」

But I've got a question:

但我有一個問題：

Why does she look back?

她為什麼要回頭看？

Does she look back because she didn't want to miss the mayhem,

她回頭看是因為她不想 錯過這場騷亂？

wanted one last glimpse of a city on fire?

想看火中的城市最後一眼？

Does she look back because she wanted to be sure that her people

她回頭看是因為想要確定

人們是不是離危險夠遠， 還能稍微喘一口氣？

were far enough from danger to breathe a little easy?

I'm so nosy and selfish sometimes, those likely would have been my reasons

有時我很好奇且自私，如果我是她，

上述那些就會是我回頭看的理由。

if I'd been in her shoes.

But what if something else was going on with this woman, Lot's wife?

但如果這個女人， 羅得的妻子，有別的想法呢？

What if she could not bear the thought of leaving those people

會不會是她無法忍受想到

這些人被拋下且活活燒死，

all alone to burn alive,

even for righteousness's sake?

即使這是為了公義？

Isn't that possible?

那不可能嗎？

If it is, then this backward glance of a disobedient woman

如果是的話，歸根結底， 這個不順從的女人回頭看的那一眼

may not be a cautionary tale after all.

可能並不是一種警世故事。

It may be the bravest act in all the Bible,

反而是聖經中最勇敢的行為，

even braver than the act that holds the whole Book together,

甚至勝過連結整本聖經的舉動：

the crucifixion.

釘死於十字架。

We are told that up on Calvary, on an old rugged cross,

我們聽到的是，加略山上，

在一個古老粗糙的十字架上，

Jesus gave his life to save everybody:

耶穌奉獻了他的生命來拯救世人：

billions and billions of strangers for all time to come.

包括後世的數十億陌生人。

It's a nice thing to do.

他做的是件好事。

It made him famous, that's for sure.

可以肯定這件事也讓他成名了。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But Lot's wife was killed,

但羅得的妻子被殺了，

turned into a pillar of salt,

被變成鹽柱，

all because she could not turn her back on her friends,

全都因為她無法拋棄她的朋友們，

the wicked men of Sodom,

所多瑪的惡人，

and nobody even wrote the woman's name down.

甚至沒有人把這位女子的 名字記載下來。

Oh, to have the courage of Lot's wife.

喔，要有羅得之妻的勇氣。

That's the kind of courage we need today.

那就是我們現今需要的勇氣。

The courage to put ourselves over there.

讓我們自己置身在那裡的勇氣。

The courage that says that either all of us have to be faggots,

說出「要嘛大家都是死玻璃， 要嘛就沒有人是死玻璃」，

or none of us can be faggots, for any of us to be free.

來讓我們所有人能夠自由的勇氣。

The courage to stand with other vagabonds in the street,

和其他流浪漢 及地球上所有不幸的人，

with all the wretched of the earth,

一起站在街上的勇氣，

to form an army of the least of these,

用地位最低的人來形成一支軍隊，

with the faith that from the naked crust of all we are,

帶著信念，相信我們可以 從我們所有人赤裸裸的外殼

we can build a better world.

建立起一個更好的世界。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）