How Dolly Parton led me to an epiphany | Jad Abumrad

審譯者: Shelley Tsang 曾雯海

我想要和各位談的， 是身為記者的我尋找目的的旅程，

及桃莉巴頓如何協助我找到答案。

二十年來我一直在說故事，

I want to tell you about my search for purpose as a journalist

先是廣播節目，接著是播客節目。

and how Dolly Parton helped me figure it out.

2002 年我開始做廣播節目 「Radiolab」時，

So I've been telling audio stories for about 20 years,

我們會有種很典型的故事做法。

first on the radio and then in podcasts.

我們會找個來賓——

When I started the radio show "Radiolab" in 2002,

（語音）史蒂芬斯托加茨： 這是大自然中最催眠

且最吸引人的景象之一，

here was the quintessential story move we would do.

因為，別忘了，這是完全的寂靜。

We'd bring on somebody --

賈德阿姆拉德：像這個傢伙， 數學家史蒂芬斯托加茨，

(Audio) Steven Strogatz: It's one of the most hypnotic

and spellbinding spectacles in nature,

他會描述出景象。

史：想像一下，位於泰國 偏遠叢林中有個河岸，

because, you have to keep in mind, it is absolutely silent.

你在獨木舟上，順水而下。

Jad Abumrad: Like this guy, mathematician, Steve Strogatz,

and he would paint a picture.

什麼聲音都沒有，

SS: Picture it. There's a riverbank in Thailand,

也許偶爾會有異國風情的 叢林鳥叫聲之類的。

in the remote part of the jungle,

賈：你會和史帝芬 一起進入這個意象中，

you're in a canoe, slipping down the river.

在你周圍的空中， 有數百萬隻螢火蟲。

There's no sound of anything,

maybe the occasional, you know, exotic jungle bird or something.

你所看到的是某種 隨機的星空特效。

JA: So you're in this imaginary canoe with Steve,

and in the air all around you are millions of fireflies.

因為所有的螢火蟲 都以不同的速率在閃爍。

這和你的預期相同。

And what you see is sort of a randomized starry-night effect.

但，據史帝芬所說，在這個地方，

基於科學家也無法 完全解釋的理由——

Because all the fireflies are blinking at different rates.

史：呼，

Which is what you would expect.

呼，

But according to Steve, in this one place,

呼。

數千個光點全都 同時亮起、同時熄滅。

for reasons no scientist can fully explain --

SS: Whoop.

（音樂和電子音）

Whoop.

Whoop.

With thousands of lights on and then off, all in sync.

賈：大約此時，

(Music and electric sounds)

我通常會像剛才那樣 帶入美妙的音樂，

而你會開始有溫暖的感覺。

根據科學，我們知道，

這種感覺位於你的頭部和胸部，

JA: Now it's around this time

that I would generally bring in the beautiful music, as I just did,

并擴散到全身。

就是那種驚異的感覺。

and you'd start to get that warm feeling.

從 2002 年到 2010 年， 我做過數百個這樣的故事。

A feeling, that we know from science,

kind of localizes in your head and chest

and spreads through your body.

科學的、神經科學的、 非常令人陶醉的、聰明的故事，

It's that feeling of wonder.

From 2002 to 2010, I did hundreds of these stories.

最後總會化解成驚異感。

我開始把這視為我的工作：

Sciency, neurosciency, very heady, brainy stories

帶領人們進入驚異的時刻。

聽起來會像是這樣：

that would always resolve into that feeling of wonder.

（各種聲音）「啊！」 「哇！」「哇！」

And I began to see that as my job,

to lead people to moments of wonder.

「真不可思議。」 「哇喔！」「哇！」

What that sounded like was:

賈：但我開始 對這些故事感到厭倦。

(Various voices) "Huh!" "Wow!" "Wow!"

畢竟，有部分不斷重覆。

記得有一天，我坐在電腦前，

"That's amazing."

"Whoa!" "Wow!"

製做神經元的聲音。

JA: But I began to get kind of tired of these stories.

（破裂聲）

很容易做出來，只要 切碎一些白噪音即可。

I mean, partially, it was the repetition.

I remember there was a day I was sitting at the computer,

我記得我在想： 「我已經 做這種聲音做了二十五次。」

making the sound of a neuron.

(Crackling sound)

但不僅如此——

You know, take some white noise, chop it up, very easy sound to make.

這些故事有一種熟悉的路徑。

你走在科學做成的真相路徑上，

I remember thinking, "I have made this sound 25 times."

你會感到驚異。

別誤會，我很愛科學。

But it was more than that --

我父母從飽受戰亂的國家

there was a familiar path to these stories.

移民來到美國，

You walk the path of truth, which is made of science,

對他們而言，科學 最像是他們的身份，

and you get to wonder.

Now, I love science, don't get me wrong.

我從他們身上繼承了這一點。

My parents emigrated from a war-torn country,

came to America,

但，從科學到驚異這簡單的一步，

and science for them was, like, more their identity than anything else,

讓我覺得有哪裡不太對勁。

and I inherited that from them.

比如，故事只能走這條路嗎？

But there was something about that simple movement

2012 年左右，

from science to wonder

我碰到了一大堆不同的故事， 讓我認為：「不是的。」

that just started to feel wrong to me.

Like, is that the only path a story can take?

特別是有一次，

Around 2012,

我們在故事中訪問了一個人，

I ran into a bunch of different stories that made me think, "No."

他描述道，在寮國的山中，

他和其他村民受到化學武器攻擊。

One story in particular,

where we interviewed a guy who described chemical weapons

西方科學家到那裡去，

沒有測量到任何化學武器。

being used against him and his fellow villagers

我們跟他談到這件事，

他說科學家錯了。 我們說：「但他們有測試。」

in the mountains of Laos.

Western scientists went there,

他說：「我不在乎， 我知道我遇到了什麼事。」

measured for chemical weapons, didn't find any.

我們不斷來來回回，

We interviewed the man about this,

長話短說，

he said the scientists were wrong.

訪談以淚水收場。

We said, "But they tested."

He said, "I don't care, I know what happened to me."

我感覺……

And we went back and forth and back and forth,

我感覺糟透了。

and make a long story short,

好像，當一個人很痛苦的時候， 我卻一直在談科學事實，

the interview ended in tears.

I felt ...

那不會有任何療癒效果。

I felt horrible.

也許我太仰賴科學

Like, hammering at a scientific truth, when someone has suffered.

來找到真相。

在當時，感覺真的就是，

That wasn't going to heal anything.

房間中有很多真相， 而我們只在探究其中之一。

And maybe I was relying too much on science to find the truth.

我心想：「我得把它做得更好。」

And it really did feel, at that moment,

所以，在接下來八年，

that there were a lot of truths in the room,

我投入心力去做一些 關於真相衝突的報道。

and we were only looking at one of them.

So I thought, "I've got to get better at this."

我們做了「政治同意」的報道， 有倖存者與加害者的觀點，

And so for the next eight years,

I committed myself to doing stories where you heard truths collide.

他們的說法相抵觸。

我們做了關於種族的報道， 如何系統性地將黑人排除在陪審團之外，

We did stories about the politics of consent,

但，試圖預防這種狀況的 規定只讓情況更糟。

where you heard the perspective of survivors and perpetrators

關於反恐怖主義、 關塔那摩灣被拘押者的報道，

whose narratives clashed.

We did stories about race,

how black men are systematically eliminated from juries,

一切有爭議的報道，

你能做的只有掙扎嘗試 並讓報道變得有意義。

and yet, the rules that try and prevent that from happening

而這份掙扎有點就變成了重點。

only make things worse.

Stories about counter terrorism, Guantanamo detainees,

我開始想：「也許 那就是我的工作，

stories where everything is disputed,

all you can do is struggle to try and make sense.

帶領大家進入掙扎的時刻。」

And this struggle kind of became the point.

聽起來會像是這樣：

（各種聲音）「但我 看到——我就像——」

I began to think, "Maybe that's my job."

「呃，我——」（嘆氣）

「嗯，所以，就像，呃——」

To lead people to moments of struggle.

「那，我是指，我——」

「你知道的——天—— 我——」（嘆氣）

Here's what that sounded like:

(Various voices) "But I see -- I, like --"

"Uh, I --" (Sighs)

"Well, so, like, huh --"

賈：就是那種嘆氣，

"That, I mean, I --"

我想要在每個里 都聽到那種聲音，

"You know -- golly -- I --" (Sighs)

因為那種聲音有點像是 我們目前的時刻，對吧？

JA: And that sigh right there,

在我們所處的世界裡，

I wanted to hear that sound in every single story,

真相不再是能被捕捉到的事實。

because that sound is kind of our current moment, right?

真相變成了一個過程， 從名詞變成了動詞。

We live in a world where truth is no longer just a set of facts

但，那種故事要如何收尾？

譬如，我們說故事時的套路是，

to be captured.

It's become a process.

It's gone from being a noun to being a verb.

隨著故事發展， 兩個觀點產生衝突，

But how do you end that story?

結尾處，就像是——

Like, what literally kept happening is we'd be, you know, telling a story,

不，讓我想想。

在最後我要說什麼？

喔，天。

cruising along, two viewpoints in conflict,

你要怎麼幫那種故事收尾？

you get to the end and it's just like --

不可能以「從此幸福快樂」收尾，

因為那感覺不真實。

No, let me see.

同時，如果你只是讓大家 留在那個卡住的地方，

What do I say at the end?

Oh, my God.

What do you -- how do you end that story?

會像是：「我剛聽那些幹嘛？」

You can't just happily-ever-after it,

感覺起來還要有下一個動作，

because that doesn't feel real.

是一條能超越掙扎的路。

At the same time,

if you just leave people in that stuck place,

正是這個原因，讓我接觸到桃莉，

like, "Why did I just listen to that?"

Like, it felt like there had to be another move there.

在南方我們稱她「聖桃莉。」

Had to be a way beyond the struggle.

讓我稍微談談去年做九集節目

And this is what brings me to Dolly.

《桃莉巴頓的美國》時的頓悟。

Or Saint Dolly, as we like to call her in the South.

這其實不太是我會做的事，

I want to tell you about one little glimmer of an epiphany that I had,

但我有種直覺，

認為桃莉能幫我解決收尾的問題。

doing a nine-part series called "Dolly Parton's America" last year.

基本的直覺如下：

It was a bit of a departure for me,

前往桃莉的音樂會，

看到戴著卡車司機帽的男人 站在穿著女裝的男人旁邊，

but I just had this intuition that Dolly could help me

民主黨與共和黨站在一起，

figure out this ending problem.

女人手牽手，

And here was the basic intuition:

各種不同的人都撞在一起。

You go to a Dolly concert,

大家都認為應該要 彼此仇恨的那些人

you see men in trucker hats standing next to men in drag,

卻在那裡一起唱歌。

Democrats standing next to Republicans,

她似乎在美國開拓出了 一個獨特的空間，

women holding hands,

every different kind of person smashed together.

All of these people that we are told should hate each other

而我想要知道她是怎麼辦到的？

所以我在不同的兩塊大陸上 訪問了桃莉十二次。

are there singing together.

She somehow carved out this unique space in America,

她每次都這樣開頭：

and I wanted to know, how did she do that?

（語音）桃莉巴頓： 問我任何你想問的，

我會告訴你我想要聽到的。

So I interviewed Dolly 12 times, two separate continents.

（笑聲）

賈：無可否認， 她是一股大自然的力量。

She started every interview this way:

(Audio) Dolly Parton: Ask me whatever you ask me,

但，我碰到的問題是，

and I'm going to tell you what I want you to hear.

我為這系列節目 選擇了一種幻想，

(Laughter)

JA: She is undeniably a force of nature.

讓我從心底心到不舒服。

But the problem that I ran into

桃莉唱的歌常常與南方有關。

is that I had chosen a conceit for this series

若你聽完她所有的作品，

你會不斷聽到關於田納西的歌曲。

that my soul had trouble with.

（音樂）桃：（唱各種歌曲） 田納西，田納西……

Dolly sings a lot about the South.

田納西鄉愁……

If you go through her discography,

我滿腦子都是田納西 鄉愁帶來的憂鬱。

you will hear song after song about Tennessee.

(Music) DP: (Singing, various songs) Tennessee, Tennessee...

Tennessee homesick ...

田納西。

賈：「田納西山林家園」、 「田納西山林記憶」。

I've got those Tennessee homesick blues runnin' through my head.

我在田納西長大，

我對那個地方沒有感到鄉愁。

Tennessee.

我是個骨瘦如柴的阿拉伯孩子，

JA: "Tennessee Mountain Home," "Tennessee Mountain Memories."

來自自殺炸彈的發源地。

Now I grew up in Tennessee,

and I felt no nostalgia for that place.

我有很多時間都待在房間裡。

I was the scrawny Arab kid

當我離開納什維爾時，

我就是離開了。

who came from the place that invented suicide bombing.

記得我在桃萊塢時，

我站在她的田納西山林家鄉的複製品前面，

I spent a lot of time in my room.

When I left Nashville,

我周圍的人在哭泣。

I left.

那只是個佈景而已，

I remember being at Dollywood,

standing in front of a replica, replica of her Tennessee Mountain Home.

你們哭什麼啊？

特別因為我和南方的關係，

我無法理解他們為何如此情緒化。

People all around me were crying.

This is a set.

我真的開始因此而恐慌症發作。

Why are you crying?

I couldn't understand why they were so emotional,

「我不是適合 這項計畫的人選嗎？」

especially given my relationship to the South.

但，接著……

命運扭轉。

And I started to honestly have panic attacks about this.

我們碰到了布萊恩西佛，

棑莉的姪子和保鑣。

"Am I not the right person for this project?"

心血來潮，他開車載著 製作人西瑪歐里艾和我

But then ...

twist of fate.

離開桃萊塢，

We meet this guy, Bryan Seaver,

繞過山的後側，

Dolly's nephew and bodyguard.

往山上走二十分鐘， 進入一條狹窄的泥路，

And on a whim, he drives producer Shima Oliaee and I

穿過很像《權力遊戲》中 才會出現的巨大木門，

out of Dollywood,

進入到真正的田納西山林家園。

round the back side of the mountains,

up the mountains 20 minutes,

down a narrow dirt road,

through giant wooden gates that look right out of "Game of Thrones,"

真正的圣殿， 真正的田納西山林家園。

and into the actual Tennessee Mountain Home.

我要把這部分搭配華格納的音樂， 因為你得要知道，

在田納西的傳說中，

But the real place.

田納西山林家園就像聖地。

Valhalla.

The real Tennessee Mountain Home.

我記得我站在那裡，站在草上，

And I'm going to score this part with Wagner,

because you've got to understand,

旁邊就是鴿子河，

in Tennessee lore,

蝴蝶在空中飛舞，

this is like hallowed ground, the Tennessee Mountain Home.

我也有了屬於我自己的驚異時刻。

So I remember standing there, on the grass,

桃莉的田納西山林家園，

next to the Pigeon River,

butterflies doing loopty loops in the air,

看起來完全像是我父親 在黎巴嫰山林中的家。

and I had my own moment of wonder.

她的房子看起來 就像是他離開的地方。

Dolly's Tennessee Mountain Home

looks exactly like my dad's home in the mountains of Lebanon.

而那簡單的層次，讓我能夠和他 進行一次以前從來沒有過的對談，

Her house looks just like the place that he left.

談到他離開家園時感受到的痛苦，

及他如何在桃莉的音樂中聽到它。

And that simple bit of layering led me to have a conversation with him

接著，我去跟桃莉談，

而她稱自己的歌曲為移民音樂。

that I'd never had before,

about the pain he felt leaving his home.

就連經典歌曲

And how he hears that in Dolly's music.

「田納西山林家園」， 如果你去聽它——

Then I had a conversation with Dolly where she described her songs

（桃莉巴頓的「田納西山林家園」）

as migration music.

「夏日午後坐在前門廊，

Even that classic song,

"Tennessee Mountain Home," if you listen to it --

坐在一張直背的兩腳椅上，

(Dolly Parton "Tennessee Mountain Home")

"Sittin' on the front porch on a summer afternoon

傾靠著牆。」

In a straight-backed chair on two legs,

重點是試圖捕捉 你知道已經流逝的時刻。

leaned against the wall."

但，如果你能生動地 把它描繪出來，

也許你可以把它定格， 就像凝固在樹脂中，

It's about trying to capture a moment that you know is already gone.

困在過去和現在之間。

But if you can paint it, vividly,

那就是移民的體驗。

maybe you can freeze it in place, almost like in resin,

那簡單的想法讓我 進行了百萬次對談，

trapped between past and present.

我開始和音樂學家談整體的鄉村音樂，

That is the immigrant experience.

我以為這種音樂類型 和我祖籍完全沒有關係，

And that simple thought led me to a million conversations.

I started talking to musicologists about country music as a whole.

但它所用到的樂器和音樂風格

其實直接來自中東。

This genre that I've always felt so

事實上，有些貿易路線 是從現在的黎巴嫰

having nothing to do with where I came from

is actually made up of instruments and musical styles

一直通到東田納西的山林中。

that came directly from the Middle East.

老實說，站在那裡，看著她的家，

In fact, there were trade routes that ran from what is now Lebanon

讓我第一次感覺到我是田納西人。

right up into the mountains of East Tennessee.

那一點也不假。

I can honestly say, standing there, looking at her home,

且那不只是一次性的感受。

was the first time I felt like I'm a Tennessean.

一而再，再而三，

她會迫使我超越

我為這個世界所建造的簡單類別。

That is honestly true.

And this wasn't a one-time thing,

我記得和她談到 她和波特華格納七年長的關係。

I mean, over and over again,

she would force me beyond the simple categories

1967 年，她加入他的樂團， 他是鄉村音樂的大咖，

I had constructed for the world.

I remember talking with her about her seven-year partnership

她則是後備歌手，無名小卒。

在很短的時間內，她就紅了，

with Porter Wagoner.

1967, she joins his band, he is the biggest thing in country music,

他則開始嫉妒，

後來，她試圖離開他時， 他控告她，索求三百萬美金。

she is a backup singer, a nobody.

很容易把波特華格納 視為這種類型的人：

Within a short time, she gets huge,

he gets jealous,

he then sues her for three million dollars

典型的父系主義蠢蛋，

試圖阻擋她離開。

when she tries to leave.

但，凡是我想向她暗示這一點時，

Now it would be really easy to see Porter Wagoner

我說，拜託！

as, like, a type: classic, patriarchal jackass,

（語音）你在影片中都可以 看到這種會用手臂摟著你的男人，

trying to hold her back.

肯定有種權力掌控在背後。

But any time I would suggest that to her,

like, come on.

(Audio) This is a guy, I mean, you see it in the videos too,

桃：沒有那麼簡單。

he's got his arm around you.

想想看就知道了。

There's a power thing happening, for sure.

他做這個節目好多年了，

不用我他也可以 讓他的節目很火紅。

DP: Well, it's more complicated than that.

他也沒有預期到我完整的樣子。

I mean, just think about it.

He had had this show for years,

我是個很熱衷表演的藝人， 他並不知道這一點。

he didn't need me to have his hit show.

他不知道我有多少夢想。

He wasn't expecting me to be all that I was, either.

賈：她其實不斷告訴我：

「別把你看世界的蠢方式用在我的故事中，

I was a serious entertainer, he didn't know that.

因為實情不是那樣。 是的，有權力掌控，

He didn't know how many dreams I had.

但並不只有這樣。

JA: In effect, she kept telling me,

你不能這樣下結論。」

"Don't bring your stupid way of seeing the world into my story,

because that's not what it was.

好，拉遠來看整體。我從中了解了什麼？

Yeah, there was power, but that's not all there was.

我想，這裡有條線索，有一條前進的路。

You can't summarize this."

身為記者，我們 很喜歡盲目崇拜差異。

Alright, just to zoom out.

What do I make of this?

但，在這個讓人困惑的世界裡，

Well, I think there's something in here that's a clue, a way forward.

我們越來越需要成為 那些差異之間的橋樑。

As journalists, we love difference.

但，要怎麼做？

We love to fetishize difference.

我想，現在對我而言， 答案很簡單。

But increasingly, in this confusing world,

你會質問那些差異，

we need to be the bridge between those differences.

你會盡可能守著它們，

But how do you do that?

直到，比如，到那座山上，

I think for me, now, the answer is simple.

發生了某件事，某樣東西出現了。

You interrogate those differences,

you hold them for as long as you can,

故事不能用差異來收尾。

until, like up on that mountain,

故事一定得用啟示來收尾。

從那趟山上之旅回來後，

something happens,

something reveals itself.

我的朋友給了我一本書， 這本書給了這個想法一個名稱。

Story cannot end in difference.

It's got to end in revelation.

在心理治療中， 有種想法叫做「第三」，

And coming back from that trip on the mountain,

基本上，它的意思如下。

通常，我們認為我們自己是獨立自主的單位。

a friend of mine gave me a book that gave this whole idea a name.

In psychotherapy, there's this idea called the third,

我這樣對你，你這樣對我。

但，根據這個理論，

which essentially goes like this.

當兩個人在一起， 且真正承諾要看見彼此，

Typically, we think of ourselves as these autonomous units.

I do something to you, you do something to me.

在那雙向的認可動作中，

他們就會創造出新東西。

But according to this theory, when two people come together

創造出新的實體：他們的關係。

and really commit to seeing each other,

in that mutual act of recognition,

可以把桃莉的音樂會 想成是文化上的第三空間。

they actually make something new.

她看待觀眾身上所有不同部分的 方式， 觀眾看待她的方式，

A new entity that is their relationship.

創造出了那個空間的靈性結構。

You can think of Dolly's concerts as sort of a cultural third space.

現在，我認為那是我的呼喚。

The way she sees all the different parts of her audience,

the way they see her,

身為記者，

creates the spiritual architecture of that space.

身為說故事的人，

身為美國人，

And I think now that is my calling.

生活在一個努力掙扎著 不要崩壞的國家中，

That as a journalist,

我所說的每一個故事 都得要找到第三空間。

as a storyteller,

as just an American,

在那個地方，我們認為有差異的事物

living in a country struggling to hold,

自己就會溶解成為新東西。

that every story I tell has got to find the third.

謝謝。

That place where the things we hold as different

resolve themselves into something new.

Thank you.