The Single Most Important Parenting Strategy | Becky Kennedy | TED

翻译人员: chenxin pan 校对人员: suya f.

Alright, quick poll --

好吧，先来快速投票

raise your hand if you have a relationship in your life

如果你的人生中有对你而言 特别重要的关系，就举手示意。

that's meaningful to you.

OK, I assumed, but always good to check our assumptions.

好吧，我只是假设， 但我们可以检查一下自己的假设。

(Laughter)

(笑声)

I’m saying this because

我这样说是因为

while I'll be focusing today on a parent-child relationship,

今天我要聚焦于亲子关系

please know that everything I'm talking about

请注意，我讲的所有内容

is applicable to any meaningful relationship.

都适用于任何重要关系。

So with that in mind, let's jump in.

在这个前提下，让我们开始吧。

So it's Sunday night, I'm in my kitchen.

那是一个周日的晚上，我待在厨房里。

I just finished cooking dinner for my family,

刚刚做好了全家的晚餐，

and I am on edge.

我正烦躁着呢。

I mean, I'm exhausted, I haven't been sleeping well.

我是说，我已经精疲力尽了， 我一直睡不好觉。

I’m anxious about the upcoming workweek,

为了下周的工作焦虑不已，

I'm overwhelmed by all the items on my unfinished to-do list.

我被计划中没有完成 的事项压得喘不过气来。

And then, my son walks into the kitchen.

然后，我的儿子走进了厨房。

He looks at the table and whines,

他看了看餐桌抱怨道，

"Chicken again?"

“又是鸡肉?”

(Laughter)

(笑声)

"Disgusting."

“恶心。”

(Laughter)

(笑声)

And that's it. I snap.

就在这个时候。 我一下失去了控制。

I look at him and I yell,

我瞪着他吼道，

"What is wrong with you?

“你到底怎么了?”

Can you be grateful for one thing in your life?"

“你能不能对生活中的事物心怀感激？”

And things get worse from there.

然后事情变得更糟了。

He screams, "I hate you."

他尖叫道，“我恨你。”

He runs out of the room and he slams his bedroom door.

他跑出厨房，重重地 摔上了自己卧室的门。

And now, my self-loathing session begins,

现在，我进入了自我厌恶阶段，

as I say to myself, "What is wrong with me?

我对自己说，“我到底是怎么了?”

I've messed up my kid forever."

“我把自己的孩子弄得一团糟。”

Well, if you're a parent, you've probably felt that pain.

如果你已为人父母， 很可能也感受到了那种失落。

For me, it comes with an extra layer of shame.

对我而言，还多了一份羞愧。

I mean, I’m a clinical psychologist

我是说，我是一个临床心理学家

and my specialty is helping people become better parents.

而且我的专长就是帮助人们 成为更好的父母。

(Laughter)

(笑声)

And yet, this is true as well --

而且，这是个事实——

there is no such thing as a perfect parent.

世上不存在完美的父母。

Mistakes and struggles, they come with the job,

人们会在工作中犯错，挣扎

but no one tells us what to do next.

但没有人告诉我们接下来该怎么做。

Do we just move on?

我们就这样继续生活吗?

Kind of just pretend the whole thing never happened?

就像假装整件事从没有发生过?

Or if I say something, what are the words?

或者我要开口的话， 应该具体说些什么呢?

Well, for years, as a clinical psychologist in private practice,

作为一个临床心理学家， 在多年的私人执业中，

I saw client after client struggle with this question.

我见过一个接一个的客户 纠结于这个问题。

And now, as the creator of the parenting content and community platform

目前，作为一个教育内容的创作者 和社区平台的搭建者。

"Good Inside,"

“内在的善意”

I see millions of parents around the globe struggle with this issue.

我见到全球数百万父母 都在为这个问题苦恼。

All parents yell.

所有父母都会怒吼。

No one knows what to do next.

没有人知道接下来该怎么办。

Well, I'm determined to fill this gap.

好吧，我决心填补这段空白。

After all, there's almost nothing within our interpersonal relationships

毕竟在我们的人际关系中，没有什么能够

that can have as much impact as repair.

像修补关系一样，产生巨大的影响。

Whenever a parent asks me,

无论何时，当有家长问我。

"What one parenting strategy should I focus on?"

“我应该主要采用哪一种养育方式？”

I always say the same thing:

我总是给出同样的回答:

"Get good at repair."

“善于修复。”

So what is repair?

所以到底什么是“修复”呢？

Repair is the act of going back to a moment of disconnection.

修复是一个举动，它让你回到 那个不欢而散的时刻。

Taking responsibility for your behavior

它让你对自己的行为负责

and acknowledging the impact it had on another.

并且意识到你的行为 对另一个人造成的影响。

And I want to differentiate a repair from an apology,

我想要把道歉和修复区分开来，

because when an apology often looks to shut a conversation down --

因为道歉往往倾向于关闭一段对话。

“Hey, I’m sorry I yelled. Can we move on now?” --

“嘿，很抱歉我吼了你。 我们现在能翻篇了吗?”

a good repair opens one up.

而好的修复能开启一段对话。

And if you think about what it means to get good at repair,

如果你想一想什么是善于修复，

there's so much baked-in realism and hope and possibility.

就会发现其中蕴含了 太多的现实性、希望和责任。

Repair assumes there's been a rupture.

修复的前提是你们的关系破裂了。

So to repair,

所以才需要修复，

you have to mess up

你必须先得搞砸了

or fall short of someone else's expectations.

或者辜负了别人的期待。

Which means the next time I snap at my kid,

这意味着下次，我对着 自己的孩子发火时，

or my husband, or my work colleague,

或者对着我的丈夫， 我的同事发火时，

instead of berating myself,

与其自我谴责，

like I did that night in the kitchen,

就像那天晚上我在厨房里做的，

I try to remind myself I'm focusing on getting good at repair.

我试着提醒自己， 我的重点是做好修复。

Step one is rupture.

第一步是破坏。

"Check that off, I crushed it."

“打勾，我成功了。”

(Laughter)

(笑声)

Step two is repair.

第二部是修复。

"I can do this.

“我可以做到。

I'm actually right on track."

我正走在正确的道路上。”

So let's get back to my example.

回到我自己的例子上。

I'm in the kitchen, my son is in his room.

我在厨房，我的儿子在他自己的房间。

Well, what will happen if I don't repair?

那要是我不去修复的话会发生什么呢?

That’s really important to understand

理解这个非常重要，

and helps us make a decision about what to do next.

这会帮助我们决定接下来怎么做。

Well, here are the facts.

好，实际情况是这样，

My son is alone, overwhelmed

我的儿子独自一人，不知所措

and in a state of distress,

并且处于悲伤沮丧的情绪中

because, let's face it, his mom just became scary mom.

让我们正视原因， 他的妈妈变成了可怕的妈妈。

And now, he has to figure out a way to get back

现在，他必须得找到 一个方法，让自己回到

to feeling safe and secure.

安全、安心的感受中。

And if I don't go help him do that through making a repair,

如果我没有通过修复 我们的关系去帮助他，

he has to rely on one of the only coping mechanisms

他唯一能够依赖的应对机制

he has at his own disposal ...

他自己能够支配的只有……

self-blame.

自我责备

Self-blame sounds like this:

自我责备听上去像是:

“Something’s wrong with me.

“我自己有问题

I’m unlovable.

我是不值得被爱的。

I make bad things happen.”

我让糟糕的事情发生了”

Ronald Fairbairn may have said it best when he wrote that, for kids,

罗纳德·费尔贝恩为孩子们 写下的这句话，可能是最为贴切的，

it is better to be a sinner in a world ruled by God

在上帝统治的世界里做一个罪人

than to live in a world ruled by the devil.

也比活在恶魔统治的世界里更好。

In other words, it's actually adaptive

换句话说，这非常贴合这种情况

for a child to internalize badness and fault,

一个孩子试图内化自己过错和失败

because at least then, they can hold onto the idea

因为至少他们可以坚持这种想法，

that their parents and the world around them

继续相信他们的父母和周围的世界

is safe and good.

是安全的，善意的。

And while self-blame works for us in childhood,

虽然自我责备在童年时对我们有利，

we all know it works against us in adulthood.

但我们都知道它在 成年后会对我们不利。

“Something’s wrong with me.

“我自己有问题

I make bad things happen.

我让糟糕的事情发生了。

I’m unlovable.”

我是不值得被爱的。”

These are the core fears of so many adults.

这些是许多成年人的核心恐惧。

But really, we see here, they are actually the childhood stories

但说真的，我们看到的 其实都是童年的故事

we wrote when we were left alone

我们独自一人时写下那些故事，

following distressing events that went unrepaired.

在没有被修复的痛苦事件后。

Plus, adults with self-blame are vulnerable to depression, anxiety,

而且，那些有自责心理的成年人， 容易陷入抑郁和焦虑，

deep feelings of worthlessness --

有着深深的无价值感——

none of which we want for our kids.

我们都不希望自己的孩子有这样的问题。

And we can do better.

并且我们能做的更好。

And it doesn't mean we have to be perfect.

这并不意味着我们必须做到完美。

When you repair,

当你修复时，

you go further than removing a child's story of self-blame.

你要做的不仅仅是消除孩子的自我责备。

You get to add in all the elements that were missing in the first place.

还要加入所有最初缺失的所有要素。

Safety, connection, coherence, love, goodness.

安全感、连接、 条理性、爱、善意。

It's as if you're saying to a child,

这就好像你对一个孩子说，

"I will not let this chapter of your life end in self-blame.

“我不会让你生命中的这个篇章 在自我责备中结束

Yes, this chapter will still contain the event of yelling,

是的，这一章仍然包含了冲突的事件，

but I can ensure this chapter has a different ending,

但我确定这一章会有一个不同的结尾

and therefore a different title, and theme and lesson learned."

甚至一个不同的标题，不同的主题 不同的经验教训。”

We know that memory is original events

我们都知道记忆是由一个最初的事件

combined with every other time you've remembered that event.

和每一个你想起这件事 的时刻组合而成的。

This is why therapy's helpful, right?

这就是治疗为什么有效的原因，对吗?

When you remember painful experiences from your past

当你想起过去的痛苦经历

within a safer and more connected relationship,

同时处于一段更安全更紧密的关系时

the event remains,

那个事件依然存在

but your story of the event, it changes, and then you change.

但你关于这个事件的故事，它改变了， 进而你自身也改变了。

With repair,

通过修复，

we effectively change the past.

我们切实地改变过去。

So let's write a better story.

所以让我们写一个更好的故事。

Let's learn how to repair.

来学习如何修复。

Step one, repair with yourself.

第一步，修复你自己。

That's right.

没错。

I mean, you can't offer compassion

我是说，你不能把同情

or groundedness or understanding to someone else

或者理智，或者理解奉献给别人了

before you access those qualities within yourself.

在你获得这些品质之前。

Self-repair means separating your identity,

自我修复意味着分离你的自我，

who you are,

将你是谁，

from your behavior, what you did.

从你的行为，你做了什么之中分离。

For me, it means telling myself two things are true.

对我而言，这意味着告诉我自己 有两件事是真的。

I’m not proud of my latest behavior

我并不认为自己刚刚做得对

and my latest behavior doesn't define me.

并且，我刚刚的行为并不能定义我。

Even as I struggle on the outside, I remain good inside.

即使我表现得很挣扎， 但内心保留了美好。

I can then start to see that I'm a good parent --

然后我就能够意识到我是一个好家长——

identity --

自我——

who was having a hard time -- behavior.

遭遇了一些困难——行为。

And no, this doesn't let me off the hook.

不，这并没有让我摆脱困境。

This is precisely what leaves me on the hook for change.

这正是让我不得不改变的原因。

Because now that I've replaced my spiral with groundedness,

因为现在我已经用脚踏 实地取代了自我责备的漩涡，

I can actually use my energy

我能够真正发挥自己的能量

toward thinking about what I want to do differently the next time.

思考下一次我要怎么做。

Oh, and I can now use my energy to go repair with my son.

哦，我还能发挥能量 和我的儿子一起修复。

Step two -- repair with your child.

第二步——和你的孩子一起修复

There's no exact formula.

这没有标准的方案。

I often think about three elements:

我总是会考虑这三个要点：

name what happened, take responsibility,

说出发生了什么，承担责任，

state what you would do differently the next time.

规定好下次应该怎么做。

It could come together like this.

可以这样组合起来。

"Hey.

“嘿。

I keep thinking about what happened the other night in the kitchen.

我一直在想 那天晚上在厨房里发生的事。

I'm sorry I yelled.

很抱歉对你大喊大叫。

I'm sure that felt scary.

我相信那一定很吓人。

And it wasn't your fault.

而且那并不是你的错。

I'm working on staying calm, even when I'm frustrated."

我一直在努力保持平静， 即使我已经精疲力尽了。”

A 15-second intervention can have a lifelong impact.

15秒的干预行动能够 带来的贯穿一生的影响。

I've replaced my child's story of self-blame

我把孩子自我责备的故事替换成了

with a story of self-trust and safety and connection.

一个关于自我相信、 安全和连接的故事。

I mean, what a massive upgrade.

这是一个巨大的改善。

And to give a little more clarity around how to repair,

为了让大家更好地了解如何修复，

I want to share a few examples of what I call "not repair,"

我想分享一些， 我称之为“非修复”的例子，

which are things that come more naturally to most of us --

这些情况往往自然而然的发生在 我们绝大多数人身上——

definitely me included.

当然也包括我自己。

"Hey, I'm sorry I yelled at you in the kitchen,

“嘿。很抱歉我刚刚在厨房里吼了你

but if you wouldn't have complained about dinner,

但如果你没有抱怨晚餐的话。

it wouldn't have happened."

这件事根本不会发生。”

(Laughter)

(笑声)

Been there? Been there? OK.

有经验？有经验？好的。

Or "You know, you really need to be grateful for things in your life,

或者“你知道，你真的应该 对生活中的一切心存感激，

like a home-cooked meal.

比如一顿家常菜

Then, you won't get yelled at."

这样你就不会挨骂了。”

(Laughter)

(笑声)

Not only do these interventions fail at the goal of reconnection,

这些干预不仅没有 达成重新建立连接的目标，

they also insinuate that your child caused your reaction,

而且暗示你的反应是由孩子引起的，

which simply isn’t true

但这并不是事实

and isn't a model of emotion regulation we want to pass on to the next generation.

也不是我们想传递 给下一代的情感调节模式。

(Applause)

(掌声)

So let's say we've all resisted

因此假设我们都抵抗住了

the "it was your fault, anyway" not-repairs,

“无论如何，这是你的错” 这种非修复的行为，

and have instead prioritized a repair that allows us to reconnect.

而是优先考虑了能让我们 重新建立联系的修复行为。

What might the impact be? What might that look like in adulthood?

这可能会带来什么影响？ 孩子在成年后会是什么样子?

My adult child won’t spiral in self-blame when they make a mistake,

我的孩子成年后不会在自己犯错时 陷入自我责备的漩涡

and won’t take on blame for someone else’s mistake.

也不会为别人的错误承担责任。

My adult child will know how to take responsibility for their behavior,

我的孩子成年后将会 知道如何为自己的行为负责，

because you've modeled how to take responsibility for yours.

因为你示范了自己是如何 为自己的行为负责的。

Repairing with a child today

现在和孩子一起修复关系

sets the stage for these critical adult relationship patterns.

为那些重要的成人 关系模式奠定了基础。

Plus, it gets better --

而且，会越来越好

now that I've reconnected with my son, I can do something really impactful.

我现在和儿子重新建立了联系， 进而能够做一些影响深远的事。

I can teach him a skill he didn't have in the first place,

我能够教给他一个他起初并不具备技能

which is how kids actually change their behavior.

这就是孩子们是如何 真正改变自己行为的。

So maybe the next day,

或许第二天，

I say "You know, you're not always going to like what I make for dinner.

我说到“你知道， 你有时不喜欢我做的晚餐。

Instead of saying 'that's disgusting,'

与其说‘这好恶心。’，

I wonder if you could say 'not my favorite.'"

我希望你能告诉我 ‘这不是我的最爱。’ ”

Now I'm teaching him how to regulate his understandable disappointment,

我现在正告诉他如何去 调节自己合情理的失望，

and communicate effectively and respectfully with another person.

做到有效的沟通，并且尊重他人。

That never would have happened if instead,

如果我把自己的反应归咎于他的话

I had been blaming him for my reaction.

这一切都不会发生。

So here's the point where you might have a lingering concern.

在这里，你可能有一个挥之不去的顾虑。

Maybe you're thinking,

你可能正在想，

"You know, I have a feeling that my kid's older than your kid."

“你知道，我的孩子 比你孩子年龄大啊。”

(Laughter)

(笑声)

"I think it's too late."

“我想已经太迟了。”

Or "I have done a lot worse than you did in the kitchen."

或者“我可比你在 厨房里做的过分多了。”

(Laughter)

(笑声)

"Maybe it's too late."

“或许太迟了。”

Well, I mean this --

好吧，我想说——

if you have only one takeaway from this talk,

如果你只能在这场演讲中收获一点。

please let this be it: It is not too late.

请认识到： 现在还为时不晚。

It is never too late.

任何时候都不会为时太晚。

How do I know?

我是怎么知道的?

Well, imagine, right after this, you get a call from one of your parents,

好吧，想象一下，在这场演讲后， 你接到一个父母打来的电话，

and if neither of your parents are alive,

如果你的双亲都已经去世了，

imagine finding and opening a letter you hadn't seen till that moment.

想象一下找到并打开 一封你从未见过的信。

OK, walk through this with me, here's the call.

好，和我一起完成这个我 任务吧这是那通电话。

"Hey,

“嘿，

I know this sounds out of the blue,

我知道这听上去很悲伤，

but I've been thinking a lot about your childhood.

但我一直在思考你的童年。

And I think there were a lot of moments that felt really bad to you.

我想有很多时刻你都感到很糟糕。

And you are right to feel that way.

你有这样的感觉是很正常的。

Those moments weren't your fault.

那时候并不是你的错。

They were times when I was struggling,

而是我正处于艰难时刻，

and if I could have gone back, I would have stepped aside,

如果我能够回到过去， 我会自己走到一边，

I would have calmed myself down,

我会让自己平静下来。

and then found you to help you with whatever you were struggling with.

然后找到你，帮助你解决任何困难。

I'm sorry.

我很抱歉。

And if you're ever willing to talk to me about any of those moments,

如果你愿意跟我谈谈那些事情，

I'll listen.

我会倾听你。

I won't listen to have a rebuttal. I'll listen to understand.

我不会为了反驳去倾听， 而是为了理解去倾听。

I love you."

我爱你。”

I don't know many adults who don't have a fairly visceral reaction

我不知道有多少成年人对这种练习

to that exercise.

没有直观的反应。

I often hear, “Why am I crying?”

我经常听到“我为什么在哭？”

Or "Listen, that wouldn't change everything.

或“听着，这不会都改变一切。

But it might change some things."

但能够改变一些事情。”

Well, I definitely do not specialize in math,

我肯定不是一个数学方面的专家。

but here's something I know with certainty.

但有些事情我非常肯定。

If you have a child, that child is younger than you are.

如果你有一个孩子， 那你的孩子肯定比你年轻。

(Laughter)

(笑声)

Always true.

总是如此。

The story of their life is shorter

他们的人生故事更短

and even more amenable to editing.

而且更容易编辑。

So if that imagined exercise had an impact on you,

如果这样的想象练习对你造成了影响，

imagine the impact an actual repair will have on your child.

想象一下真实的修复 会给孩子带来的影响。

See?

看吧?

I told you, it's never too late.

我跟你说过，永远都不会太迟。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Cheers and applause)

(掌声与欢呼)