The Single Most Important Parenting Strategy | Becky Kennedy | TED

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: 穎君 紀

Alright, quick poll --

快速做個調查——

raise your hand if you have a relationship in your life

如果你的人生中擁有一段 對你有意義的關係，請舉手。

that's meaningful to you.

OK, I assumed, but always good to check our assumptions.

好，和我假設的一樣， 但確認一下總是好事。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I’m saying this because

我會這麼說，是因為雖然今天的焦點

while I'll be focusing today on a parent-child relationship,

會是親子關係，

please know that everything I'm talking about

請注意，我所談的所有內容

都適用於任何有意義的關係。

is applicable to any meaningful relationship.

So with that in mind, let's jump in.

把這點謹記在心，咱們開始吧。

So it's Sunday night, I'm in my kitchen.

星期天晚上，

我在廚房裡。

I just finished cooking dinner for my family,

我剛幫家人做完晚餐，

and I am on edge.

我處於易怒狀態。

我累壞了，我一直沒有睡好，

I mean, I'm exhausted, I haven't been sleeping well.

I’m anxious about the upcoming workweek,

下一週的工作讓我很焦慮，

I'm overwhelmed by all the items on my unfinished to-do list.

待完成事項清單快把我搞瘋。

And then, my son walks into the kitchen.

接著，我兒子走進廚房。

He looks at the table and whines,

他看著桌子，嘀咕說：

"Chicken again?"

「又吃雞？」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

"Disgusting."

「噁心。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And that's it. I snap.

那是最後一根稻草，我生氣了， 我看著他大吼：「你是怎樣？

I look at him and I yell,

"What is wrong with you?

Can you be grateful for one thing in your life?"

還有人做飯給你吃， 感激一點好嗎？」

接著情況變得更糟， 他大叫：「我恨你。」

And things get worse from there.

He screams, "I hate you."

He runs out of the room and he slams his bedroom door.

他跑回他的臥房，猛力關上門。

And now, my self-loathing session begins,

接著輪到我自我厭惡了，我對自己說：

as I say to myself, "What is wrong with me?

「我是怎麼搞的？

I've messed up my kid forever."

我永久傷到我的孩子了。」

Well, if you're a parent, you've probably felt that pain.

有小孩的人可能感受得到那種痛苦。

For me, it comes with an extra layer of shame.

對我而言，那痛苦還多了一層羞恥感。

I mean, I’m a clinical psychologist

因為，我是臨床心理學家，

and my specialty is helping people become better parents.

而我的專長是協助他人成為更好的父母親。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And yet, this is true as well --

但，這點也是真的——

there is no such thing as a perfect parent.

世界上沒有完美的父母親。

Mistakes and struggles, they come with the job,

錯誤和掙扎本來就是父母職的一部分，

but no one tells us what to do next.

但沒有人告訴我們接下來該怎麼做。

Do we just move on?

我們就繼續過日子嗎？

Kind of just pretend the whole thing never happened?

假裝這整件事從沒發生過？

Or if I say something, what are the words?

如果我要說點什麼，那我該說什麼？

Well, for years, as a clinical psychologist in private practice,

身為私人執業的臨床心理學家，數年來，

I saw client after client struggle with this question.

我見過無數客戶為此問題所苦。

And now, as the creator of the parenting content and community platform

現在，身為教養策略內容及社群平台 「內在良善」的創作人，

"Good Inside,"

I see millions of parents around the globe struggle with this issue.

我看到全球有數百萬名父母

都為這個問題所苦。

All parents yell.

所有的父母都在吶喊。

No one knows what to do next.

沒有人知道接下來該怎麼做。

Well, I'm determined to fill this gap.

我下定決心要填補這個落差。

After all, there's almost nothing within our interpersonal relationships

畢竟在我們的人際關係中，

幾乎沒有什麼

that can have as much impact as repair.

能比「修復」更有影響力了。

Whenever a parent asks me,

每當有父母親問我：

"What one parenting strategy should I focus on?"

「我應該專注在哪項教養策略上？」

I always say the same thing:

我的答案永遠一樣：

「學習把修復做好。」

"Get good at repair."

So what is repair?

所以，修復是什麼？

Repair is the act of going back to a moment of disconnection.

修復，是回到斷絕的那一刻，

Taking responsibility for your behavior

為你的行為擔起責任，

and acknowledging the impact it had on another.

並承認這個行為對對方造成的影響。

And I want to differentiate a repair from an apology,

我想點出修復和道歉的區別，

because when an apology often looks to shut a conversation down --

因為，道歉尋求的 通常是要把談話終止——

“Hey, I’m sorry I yelled. Can we move on now?” --

「嘿，很抱歉剛才對你大小聲， 過去就算了好嗎？」——

a good repair opens one up.

好的修復反而會開啟對話。

And if you think about what it means to get good at repair,

想想「學習把修復做好」的意義，

there's so much baked-in realism and hope and possibility.

它包含了好多的現實性、 希望，以及可能性。

Repair assumes there's been a rupture.

修復的前提假設，是關係破裂了。

So to repair,

若要修復，

you have to mess up

你就得先搞砸，

or fall short of someone else's expectations.

或者做不到某人的期望。

Which means the next time I snap at my kid,

意思就是，我下次 對我的孩子厲聲說話時，

or my husband, or my work colleague,

或者對我的先生，或我的同事，

instead of berating myself,

我就不該像那天在廚房那樣嚴責自己，

like I did that night in the kitchen,

而是要試著提醒我自己，

I try to remind myself I'm focusing on getting good at repair.

我要專注在學習把修復做好。

Step one is rupture.

第一步是破裂。

"Check that off, I crushed it."

「第一步完成，我把它搞砸了。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Step two is repair.

第二步是修復。

「我能做到的。

"I can do this.

I'm actually right on track."

我正走在對的方向上沒錯。」

So let's get back to my example.

回到剛才的例子：我在廚房裡， 我兒子在他的房間裡。

I'm in the kitchen, my son is in his room.

Well, what will happen if I don't repair?

嗯，如果我不修復，會如何？

That’s really important to understand

了解這一點十分重要，

and helps us make a decision about what to do next.

且能協助我們決定接下來要怎麼做。

Well, here are the facts.

事實如下：

我兒子獨自一人，

My son is alone, overwhelmed

不知所措，且處在苦惱中，

and in a state of distress,

because, let's face it, his mom just became scary mom.

因為，老實說，他的媽媽 剛才變成了可怕的媽媽。

And now, he has to figure out a way to get back

現在，他得想辦法讓他自己能重新

to feeling safe and secure.

感到安全和安心。

And if I don't go help him do that through making a repair,

如果我不透過修復來幫助他做到這點，

he has to rely on one of the only coping mechanisms

他就得仰賴

他自己唯一能使用的處理機制——

he has at his own disposal ...

self-blame.

怪罪自己。

Self-blame sounds like this:

「怪罪自己」聽起來像是這樣：

“Something’s wrong with me.

「我一定有什麼問題。

I’m unlovable.

我不討人喜歡。

I make bad things happen.”

我會讓壞事發生。」

Ronald Fairbairn may have said it best when he wrote that, for kids,

羅納德‧費爾貝恩的說法很棒， 他寫道，對孩子而言，

it is better to be a sinner in a world ruled by God

在上帝統治的世界中 身為罪人，也好過

than to live in a world ruled by the devil.

生活在魔鬼統治的世界中。

In other words, it's actually adaptive

換言之，對孩子而言，將不好及錯誤

for a child to internalize badness and fault,

給內化其實是一種適應行為。

because at least then, they can hold onto the idea

因為這麼做讓他們至少還可以 守住這個想法：他們的父母

that their parents and the world around them

以及他們周遭的世界 是安全的、是良善的。

is safe and good.

And while self-blame works for us in childhood,

雖然在兒時，怪罪自己 對我們而言是行得通的，

we all know it works against us in adulthood.

但我們都知道，成年之後 它就會反撲。

“Something’s wrong with me.

「我一定有什麼問題。

I make bad things happen.

我讓壞事發生。我不討人喜歡。」

I’m unlovable.”

這些是好多成人的核心恐懼。

These are the core fears of so many adults.

But really, we see here, they are actually the childhood stories

但其實，在此可以看到，

這些其實就是我們以前寫下的 童年故事，那時發生了

we wrote when we were left alone

following distressing events that went unrepaired.

沒有修復的痛苦事件之後， 我們就被獨自丟下。

Plus, adults with self-blame are vulnerable to depression, anxiety,

此外，會自責的成人 很容易陷入憂鬱、焦慮、

deep feelings of worthlessness --

深深的無價值感——這些 都不是我們希望孩子擁有的。

none of which we want for our kids.

And we can do better.

我們可以做得更好。那並不 表示我們必須要做到完美。

And it doesn't mean we have to be perfect.

When you repair,

當你在修復時，

you go further than removing a child's story of self-blame.

你就不只是在消除孩子的自責敘事。

You get to add in all the elements that were missing in the first place.

你還可以把一開始就缺乏的元素加進來。

Safety, connection, coherence, love, goodness.

安全感、連結、

團結、愛、

良善。

It's as if you're saying to a child,

修復就彷彿是你在對孩子說：

"I will not let this chapter of your life end in self-blame.

「我不會讓你人生的這一章 以自我怪罪作結。」

Yes, this chapter will still contain the event of yelling,

是的，這一章 還是會有吼叫內容，

but I can ensure this chapter has a different ending,

但我可以確保這一章有不同的結局，

and therefore a different title, and theme and lesson learned."

所以會有不同的章名、

主題，以及記取的教訓。

We know that memory is original events

我們知道，記憶是原始的事件

combined with every other time you've remembered that event.

結合所有你回想起那個事件的時刻。

This is why therapy's helpful, right?

這就是為甚麼心理治療有效。

When you remember painful experiences from your past

當你在一段更安全、更有連結的關係中

within a safer and more connected relationship,

回憶起你過去的痛苦經歷，

那個事件仍然存在，

the event remains,

but your story of the event, it changes, and then you change.

但你對於那個事件 所認知的敘事會改變，

接著你就會改變。

With repair,

靠著修復，

we effectively change the past.

我們就能有效地改變過去。

So let's write a better story.

讓我們來寫下更好的故事。

Let's learn how to repair.

讓我們來學習如何修復。

Step one, repair with yourself.

第一步，先和自己做修復。

That's right.

是的，我的意思是，若你要提供同情、

I mean, you can't offer compassion

or groundedness or understanding to someone else

安全感，或諒解給別人，

before you access those qualities within yourself.

你就得先接觸到自己內在的這些特質。

Self-repair means separating your identity,

自我修復意味著將你的身分（即：你是誰）

who you are,

from your behavior, what you did.

和你的行為（即：你做了什麼）分開。

For me, it means telling myself two things are true.

對我而言，那就意味著 要告訴我自己兩個事實：

我對我上次的行為並不感到驕傲；

I’m not proud of my latest behavior

and my latest behavior doesn't define me.

且我上次的行為不能 定義我是什麼樣的人。

即使我外在看起來很掙扎，

Even as I struggle on the outside, I remain good inside.

我的內在仍然是良善的。

I can then start to see that I'm a good parent --

接著，我開始能看見我是個好媽媽

identity --

——身分——

who was having a hard time -- behavior.

我只是處在艱難時刻——行為。

And no, this doesn't let me off the hook.

不，這並不表示我就能開脫了。

This is precisely what leaves me on the hook for change.

這反而讓我要扛起責任，做出改變。

Because now that I've replaced my spiral with groundedness,

因為，既然現在我已經 用穩固感取代掉負情緒漩渦，

我就真的可以把我的正能量 用來思考我下次能如何改進。

I can actually use my energy

toward thinking about what I want to do differently the next time.

Oh, and I can now use my energy to go repair with my son.

喔對，還能拿去找我的兒子做修復。

Step two -- repair with your child.

第二步，和你的孩子進行修復。

There's no exact formula.

沒有確切的公式。

I often think about three elements:

我通常會思考三個元素：

name what happened, take responsibility,

陳述發生了什麼事、扛起責任，

state what you would do differently the next time.

說明你下次會如何改變。

It could come together like this.

實際上的呈現可能會像這樣：

"Hey.

「嘿。

I keep thinking about what happened the other night in the kitchen.

我一直在想那晚在廚房裡發生的事。

I'm sorry I yelled.

我很抱歉我對你大吼。

I'm sure that felt scary.

我相信那感覺很可怕。

那不是你的錯。

And it wasn't your fault.

I'm working on staying calm, even when I'm frustrated."

我正在努力練習即使是在我 沮喪的時候也要保持冷靜。」

花十五秒鐘做這件事 就能有一生的影響。

A 15-second intervention can have a lifelong impact.

I've replaced my child's story of self-blame

我把我孩子的自責版敘事改寫成

with a story of self-trust and safety and connection.

相信自己、安全感，及連結的故事。

I mean, what a massive upgrade.

這不就大大升級了嗎？

And to give a little more clarity around how to repair,

為了更清楚說明如何做修復，

I want to share a few examples of what I call "not repair,"

讓我分享幾個「沒有修復」的例子，

which are things that come more naturally to most of us --

這些對我們來說都是較自然的反應——

definitely me included.

對我肯定也是如此。

"Hey, I'm sorry I yelled at you in the kitchen,

「嘿，很抱歉我在廚房裡對你大吼，

但若你不抱怨晚餐， 就不會發生這種事了。」

but if you wouldn't have complained about dinner,

it wouldn't have happened."

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Been there? Been there? OK.

做過這種事嗎？好。

Or "You know, you really need to be grateful for things in your life,

或者：

「你真的需要對人生中的事物 多點感恩，比如家常菜。

like a home-cooked meal.

Then, you won't get yelled at."

那你就不會被吼了。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Not only do these interventions fail at the goal of reconnection,

這些做法不但沒有能 達成重新連結的目標，

還影射你的反應是孩子造成的，

they also insinuate that your child caused your reaction,

這不是事實，

which simply isn’t true

and isn't a model of emotion regulation we want to pass on to the next generation.

也不是我們想示範 給下一代看的情緒調整方式。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

So let's say we've all resisted

假設我們都不用「總之是你的錯」 這種沒有修復作用的做法，

the "it was your fault, anyway" not-repairs,

and have instead prioritized a repair that allows us to reconnect.

改成把修復關係放在第一優先， 讓我們能重新連繫，

What might the impact be? What might that look like in adulthood?

會有什麼影響？

這影響在成年期會呈現出什麼改變？

My adult child won’t spiral in self-blame when they make a mistake,

我孩子長大成人後就算犯錯 也不會陷入自我怪罪的漩渦，

and won’t take on blame for someone else’s mistake.

也不會為他人的錯誤背黑鍋。

My adult child will know how to take responsibility for their behavior,

我的孩子長大後會知道如何扛起責任，

為自己的行為負責，因為你 示範了怎麼為你的行為負責。

because you've modeled how to take responsibility for yours.

Repairing with a child today

現在和你的孩子進行修復，是在為 這些重要的成人關係模式做準備。

sets the stage for these critical adult relationship patterns.

Plus, it gets better --

此外，還有更好的——

now that I've reconnected with my son, I can do something really impactful.

既然我已經和我的兒子重新連結了，

我就能做些很有影響力的事。

I can teach him a skill he didn't have in the first place,

我可以教他他本來沒有的技能，

which is how kids actually change their behavior.

孩子就是這樣改變他們的行為。

So maybe the next day,

所以，也許隔天，我說：

I say "You know, you're not always going to like what I make for dinner.

「你不見得每次都會喜歡我做的晚餐。

Instead of saying 'that's disgusting,'

那你下次能不能別說『好噁』，

I wonder if you could say 'not my favorite.'"

改說『這不是我愛的』？」

Now I'm teaching him how to regulate his understandable disappointment,

他的失望是可理解的， 我現在就教他如何調整失望，

and communicate effectively and respectfully with another person.

以及怎麼有效且尊重地和他人溝通。

That never would have happened if instead,

如果我當時沒有

把我的反應怪罪在他身上， 這些都不會發生。

I had been blaming him for my reaction.

So here's the point where you might have a lingering concern.

講到此，各位可能 有個揮之不去的疑慮。

也許你在想：

Maybe you're thinking,

"You know, I have a feeling that my kid's older than your kid."

「我覺得我小孩的年紀比你的還大。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

"I think it's too late."

「我覺得已經太遲了。」

Or "I have done a lot worse than you did in the kitchen."

或者：

「我做的比你在廚房做的 還要糟糕太多了。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）「也許已經太遲了。」

"Maybe it's too late."

Well, I mean this --

我是說真的——若這場演說 你只能記住一個重點，

if you have only one takeaway from this talk,

please let this be it: It is not too late.

請記得這一點：不會太遲。

It is never too late.

永遠不會太遲。

How do I know?

我怎麼知道？

Well, imagine, right after this, you get a call from one of your parents,

想像一下，演說結束後你馬上 接到你父親或母親的來電，

and if neither of your parents are alive,

如果他們都不在了，

改成想像找到一封你之前 都沒看過的信並將它拆開。

imagine finding and opening a letter you hadn't seen till that moment.

OK, walk through this with me, here's the call.

好，配合我想像一下，電話內容是：

"Hey,

「嘿，

I know this sounds out of the blue,

我知道這聽起來很突然，

but I've been thinking a lot about your childhood.

但我一直在思考你的童年。

我覺得有很多時刻，

And I think there were a lot of moments that felt really bad to you.

你真的很煎熬。

And you are right to feel that way.

你的感覺沒有錯。

Those moments weren't your fault.

那些時候都不是你的問題。

They were times when I was struggling,

那時候我也過得很煎熬， 如果我能回到過去，

and if I could have gone back, I would have stepped aside,

我會退一步，讓自己 冷靜下來之後再去找你，

I would have calmed myself down,

and then found you to help you with whatever you were struggling with.

協助你處理你正在掙扎的事。

I'm sorry.

我很抱歉。

And if you're ever willing to talk to me about any of those moments,

如果你想跟我聊那些事情，我會專心聽。

I'll listen.

I won't listen to have a rebuttal. I'll listen to understand.

我專心聽不是為了要抗辯，

而是想要了解。

I love you."

我愛你。」

I don't know many adults who don't have a fairly visceral reaction

我認識的大多數成人對這個練習 都會有很發自內心的反應。

to that exercise.

I often hear, “Why am I crying?”

我常聽到的是：「我怎麼哭了？」

Or "Listen, that wouldn't change everything.

或者：

「那不會改變一切，

But it might change some things."

但也許能改變一些什麼。」

Well, I definitely do not specialize in math,

數學肯定不是我的強項，

but here's something I know with certainty.

但有件事我很肯定。

If you have a child, that child is younger than you are.

如果你有孩子，

那個孩子一定比你年輕。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Always true.

絕對錯不了。

The story of their life is shorter

他們的人生歷程比你的短，

and even more amenable to editing.

更有機會修改、編輯。

So if that imagined exercise had an impact on you,

如果剛才的想像練習對你有所影響，

imagine the impact an actual repair will have on your child.

想像一下真正去做的修復

會對你的孩子有什麼影響。

See?

對嗎？我剛說過，永遠不會太遲。

I told you, it's never too late.

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Cheers and applause)

（歡呼及掌聲）