The Single Most Important Parenting Strategy | Becky Kennedy | TED

翻訳: Sakura Hamamoto 校正: Yoshiaki Yamagami

Alright, quick poll --

簡単な アンケートから

raise your hand if you have a relationship in your life

人生において大きな意味を 持つ相手がいる人？

that's meaningful to you.

OK, I assumed, but always good to check our assumptions.

予想が合ってるか 確認するって大事ね

(Laughter)

（笑）

I’m saying this because

それというのも

while I'll be focusing today on a parent-child relationship,

今日は親子関係について 話をしますが

please know that everything I'm talking about

全ての大切な人間関係に 応用できるからです

is applicable to any meaningful relationship.

So with that in mind, let's jump in.

それを心に留めて 始めましょう

So it's Sunday night, I'm in my kitchen.

日曜の夜の台所

I just finished cooking dinner for my family,

ちょうど夕飯を 作り終えた私は

and I am on edge.

ピリピリムード

I mean, I'm exhausted, I haven't been sleeping well.

原因は疲労と睡眠不足

I’m anxious about the upcoming workweek,

週明けの仕事の心配

I'm overwhelmed by all the items on my unfinished to-do list.

やることが多すぎて どうにかなりそう

And then, my son walks into the kitchen.

そこにやってきた息子が

He looks at the table and whines,

テーブルを見てひと言

"Chicken again?"

「またチキン？」

(Laughter)

（笑）

"Disgusting."

「サイアク」

(Laughter)

（笑）

And that's it. I snap.

私はキレて

I look at him and I yell,

怒鳴りつける

"What is wrong with you?

「何様のつもり？」

Can you be grateful for one thing in your life?"

「感謝ってものを 知らないわけ？」

And things get worse from there.

事態はさらに悪化

He screams, "I hate you."

「ママなんて大嫌い！」

He runs out of the room and he slams his bedroom door.

寝室に逃げ込み ドアを乱暴に閉める息子

And now, my self-loathing session begins,

そして私の反省会が始まる

as I say to myself, "What is wrong with me?

自分に問いかけるの 「一体どうしちゃったの？」

I've messed up my kid forever."

「子供を傷つけてしまった」って

Well, if you're a parent, you've probably felt that pain.

親ならきっと 胸を 痛めたことがあるはず

For me, it comes with an extra layer of shame.

私の場合 さらに 恥ずかしさが加わります

I mean, I’m a clinical psychologist

私は臨床心理学者で

and my specialty is helping people become better parents.

良い親になる手助けを するプロですから

(Laughter)

（笑）

And yet, this is true as well --

ただ ひとつ言えるのは

there is no such thing as a perfect parent.

完璧な親なんていない

Mistakes and struggles, they come with the job,

間違いも葛藤も つきものです

but no one tells us what to do next.

では その後 どうすればいいのか？

Do we just move on?

何事もなかった ふりをする？

Kind of just pretend the whole thing never happened?

Or if I say something, what are the words?

声をかけるなら なんて言う？

Well, for years, as a clinical psychologist in private practice,

長年 臨床心理士として

I saw client after client struggle with this question.

クライアントが悩む姿を たくさん見ました

And now, as the creator of the parenting content and community platform

現在は 子育てコミュニティプラットフォーム Good Insideの創設者として

"Good Inside,"

I see millions of parents around the globe struggle with this issue.

世界中の親が同じように 悩んでいると知っています

All parents yell.

つい怒鳴るのはみな同じ

No one knows what to do next.

その後何をすべきか わからないのです

Well, I'm determined to fill this gap.

その悩みを解決したい

After all, there's almost nothing within our interpersonal relationships

結局のところ 人間関係において

that can have as much impact as repair.

最も大きな影響力を 持つのが「修復」です

Whenever a parent asks me,

「子育てに重要なコツは？」 と親に聞かれるたび

"What one parenting strategy should I focus on?"

I always say the same thing:

同じことを答えます 「修復上手になりましょう」と

"Get good at repair."

So what is repair?

では「修復」とは？

Repair is the act of going back to a moment of disconnection.

修復は 分断の瞬間に 立ち戻ること

Taking responsibility for your behavior

自らの言動に責任を持ち 相手に与えた影響を理解する

and acknowledging the impact it had on another.

And I want to differentiate a repair from an apology,

でも謝罪とは違います

because when an apology often looks to shut a conversation down --

謝罪はしばしば 対話の 扉を閉じてしまいます

“Hey, I’m sorry I yelled. Can we move on now?” --

「謝ったんだから もういいでしょ？」と

a good repair opens one up.

適切な修復は 扉を開けるものです

And if you think about what it means to get good at repair,

修復上手になるために 必要なのは

there's so much baked-in realism and hope and possibility.

たくさんの現実的な思考 そして希望と可能性

Repair assumes there's been a rupture.

修復の前提には 決裂があります

So to repair,

修復のためには まわりの人を

you have to mess up

がっかりさせる こともあるでしょう

or fall short of someone else's expectations.

Which means the next time I snap at my kid,

つまり 次に誰かにキレた時

or my husband, or my work colleague,

子供でも夫でも同僚でも

instead of berating myself,

以前のように 自分を責めるのでなく

like I did that night in the kitchen,

I try to remind myself I'm focusing on getting good at repair.

今は修復の訓練中なんだと 言い聞かせるんです

Step one is rupture.

段階その１ 決裂

"Check that off, I crushed it."

「ほらまたやらかした」

(Laughter)

（笑）

Step two is repair.

段階その２ 修復

"I can do this.

「私ならできる 大丈夫 順調よ」

I'm actually right on track."

So let's get back to my example.

最初の例に戻りましょう

I'm in the kitchen, my son is in his room.

私は台所 息子は自室

Well, what will happen if I don't repair?

もし私が修復を怠ったら？

That’s really important to understand

ここを理解するのは大事 次の行動を決めるヒントになる

and helps us make a decision about what to do next.

Well, here are the facts.

つまり事実として

My son is alone, overwhelmed

息子はひとり 混乱と 苦しみの中にいる

and in a state of distress,

because, let's face it, his mom just became scary mom.

いきなり母親が 鬼になったから

And now, he has to figure out a way to get back

なんとかして心の平穏を 取り戻そうとする

to feeling safe and secure.

And if I don't go help him do that through making a repair,

もし私が修復によって 手を差し伸べなければ

he has to rely on one of the only coping mechanisms

息子が選べる 数少ない 対処メカニズムは

he has at his own disposal ...

self-blame.

自己非難です

Self-blame sounds like this:

例えばこんな感じ

“Something’s wrong with me.

「私がおかしいんだ」

I’m unlovable.

「愛されてないんだ」

I make bad things happen.”

「私が悪いんだ」

Ronald Fairbairn may have said it best when he wrote that, for kids,

ロナルド・フェアバーンに こんな名言があります

it is better to be a sinner in a world ruled by God

「子供は 神が統治する 世界で罪人になる方が

than to live in a world ruled by the devil.

悪魔が統治する世界で 生きのびるよりもいい」

In other words, it's actually adaptive

つまり 子供たちは

for a child to internalize badness and fault,

自らの悪や失敗は 受け入れられるんです

because at least then, they can hold onto the idea

そうすることで 親や周りの世界を

that their parents and the world around them

安全で善良であると 信じられるからです

is safe and good.

And while self-blame works for us in childhood,

自己非難は 子供には 効果があっても

we all know it works against us in adulthood.

大人には逆効果 でしかありません

“Something’s wrong with me.

「私がおかしいんだ」

I make bad things happen.

「私が悪いんだ」

I’m unlovable.”

「愛されてない」

These are the core fears of so many adults.

これらは多くの大人が 心の奥に持つ恐怖

But really, we see here, they are actually the childhood stories

その正体は 幼い頃の記憶です

we wrote when we were left alone

悲しい出来事の後に 修復 されず放っておかれた記憶

following distressing events that went unrepaired.

Plus, adults with self-blame are vulnerable to depression, anxiety,

しかも自己非難する大人は うつや無力感に陥りやすい

deep feelings of worthlessness --

none of which we want for our kids.

我が子にはそんな経験 させたくないですよね

And we can do better.

よりよい方法があります

And it doesn't mean we have to be perfect.

完璧である必要はない

When you repair,

修復は 子供の自己非難を 取り除くだけではなく

you go further than removing a child's story of self-blame.

You get to add in all the elements that were missing in the first place.

もともと欠けていた 要素を補うのです

Safety, connection, coherence, love, goodness.

安心感や絆 一貫性 そして愛情 善良さ

It's as if you're saying to a child,

子供に伝えるのです

"I will not let this chapter of your life end in self-blame.

「この一連の出来事を 自己非難で終わらせない」

Yes, this chapter will still contain the event of yelling,

「また怒ることも あるかもしれない」

but I can ensure this chapter has a different ending,

「だけど保証する 違う結末がある」

and therefore a different title, and theme and lesson learned."

「タイトルもテーマも 得られる学びもね」

We know that memory is original events

記憶とは 原体験に紐づいて

combined with every other time you've remembered that event.

繰り返し思い出す 他の出来事も含みます

This is why therapy's helpful, right?

だからセラピーが 有効なんです

When you remember painful experiences from your past

過去の辛い経験を 思い出すとき

within a safer and more connected relationship,

安全で身近な関係性が そばにあれば

the event remains,

出来事は変わらなくても

but your story of the event, it changes, and then you change.

物語は変わるし あなたも変われます

With repair,

修復で 効果的に 過去を変えるのです

we effectively change the past.

So let's write a better story.

では実際に 修復してみましょう

Let's learn how to repair.

Step one, repair with yourself.

まずは自分自身の修復

That's right.

当然ですが

I mean, you can't offer compassion

相手に思いやりや安心感や 理解を示すまえに

or groundedness or understanding to someone else

before you access those qualities within yourself.

まず自分がその 状態にあるべきです

Self-repair means separating your identity,

自己修復とは 自分のアイデンティティと

who you are,

from your behavior, what you did.

自らの行いを 分けて考えること

For me, it means telling myself two things are true.

私の例ではこんな感じです

I’m not proud of my latest behavior

「さっきの行いは良くない」

and my latest behavior doesn't define me.

「でもそれが私の全てじゃない」

Even as I struggle on the outside, I remain good inside.

「失敗もするけど ちゃんと良心はあるんだ」

I can then start to see that I'm a good parent --

すると「自分は良い親だ」 と思えてきます

identity --

これがアイデンティティ

who was having a hard time -- behavior.

「でも悪戦苦闘してる」 これが行動

And no, this doesn't let me off the hook.

これで終わり ではありません

This is precisely what leaves me on the hook for change.

本当の山場は ここからです

Because now that I've replaced my spiral with groundedness,

やっと悪循環を抜け出して

I can actually use my energy

次はどう行動するか 腰を据えて考えられる

toward thinking about what I want to do differently the next time.

Oh, and I can now use my energy to go repair with my son.

息子との修復に 労力を割く時がきたのです

Step two -- repair with your child.

段階その２ 親子関係の修復

There's no exact formula.

正解はないけど ３つの要素がある

I often think about three elements:

name what happened, take responsibility,

出来事を特定する 責任をとる

state what you would do differently the next time.

次は何を変えるか伝える

It could come together like this.

例えばこう

"Hey.

「ねえ」

I keep thinking about what happened the other night in the kitchen.

「この間の台所でのことだけど」

I'm sorry I yelled.

「怒鳴ってごめんね」

I'm sure that felt scary.

「怖かったわよね」

And it wasn't your fault.

「あなたは悪くない」

I'm working on staying calm, even when I'm frustrated."

「イライラしないように ママも頑張るわ」

A 15-second intervention can have a lifelong impact.

たった15秒の会話で 子供の人生が変わります

I've replaced my child's story of self-blame

子供の中にある 自己非難の物語を

with a story of self-trust and safety and connection.

自信と安心感と 絆の物語に変えたのです

I mean, what a massive upgrade.

大違いですよね

And to give a little more clarity around how to repair,

修復をより明確に 理解するために

I want to share a few examples of what I call "not repair,"

「修復ではないもの」 の例を示します

which are things that come more naturally to most of us --

多くの人がやりがちなこと

definitely me included.

もちろん私も

"Hey, I'm sorry I yelled at you in the kitchen,

「台所で怒鳴ってごめんね」

but if you wouldn't have complained about dinner,

「でもあなたが文句を 言わなければよかったのよ」

it wouldn't have happened."

(Laughter)

（笑）

Been there? Been there? OK.

経験あるでしょう？

Or "You know, you really need to be grateful for things in your life,

それか… 「日頃の感謝って大事よ」

like a home-cooked meal.

「例えば手料理とか」

Then, you won't get yelled at."

「そしたら怒られない」

(Laughter)

（笑）

Not only do these interventions fail at the goal of reconnection,

これらの言葉は 修復に つながらないばかりか

they also insinuate that your child caused your reaction,

子供に 自分のせいだと 思い込ませることになります

which simply isn’t true

それは違うし

and isn't a model of emotion regulation we want to pass on to the next generation.

次世代に伝えたい 感情抑制のやり方じゃない

(Applause)

（拍手）

So let's say we've all resisted

ですからみなさん

the "it was your fault, anyway" not-repairs,

「結局あなたが悪い 話法」に逃げずに

and have instead prioritized a repair that allows us to reconnect.

絆を深める修復の道を 選びましょう

What might the impact be? What might that look like in adulthood?

大人になった時 それが どう影響するのか？

My adult child won’t spiral in self-blame when they make a mistake,

成人した我が子は 失敗しても自己非難せず

and won’t take on blame for someone else’s mistake.

誰かの失敗の 肩代わりもしません

My adult child will know how to take responsibility for their behavior,

大人として自らの行動に 責任を持ちます

because you've modeled how to take responsibility for yours.

親がそうするのを 見てきたからです

Repairing with a child today

子供との修復は 成人後の 人間関係の土台を作ります

sets the stage for these critical adult relationship patterns.

Plus, it gets better --

しかも

now that I've reconnected with my son, I can do something really impactful.

修復ができていれば より価値のあることができます

I can teach him a skill he didn't have in the first place,

息子が知らないこと つまり実際に

which is how kids actually change their behavior.

とるべき行動を 教えられるんです

So maybe the next day,

たとえば翌日

I say "You know, you're not always going to like what I make for dinner.

「私が作るものが好物 じゃない時もあるよね」

Instead of saying 'that's disgusting,'

「そんな時は 『最悪』じゃなくて」

I wonder if you could say 'not my favorite.'"

「『好きじゃない』 って言える？」

Now I'm teaching him how to regulate his understandable disappointment,

こうやって 落胆を抑えながら 相手を傷つけず

and communicate effectively and respectfully with another person.

効果的に伝える方法を 子供に教えるんです

That never would have happened if instead,

もし子供のせいにしていたら 絶対にできません

I had been blaming him for my reaction.

So here's the point where you might have a lingering concern.

でも疑問もありますよね

Maybe you're thinking,

たとえば

"You know, I have a feeling that my kid's older than your kid."

「うちの子はもっと大きい」とか

(Laughter)

（笑）

"I think it's too late."

「もう遅いでしょ」とか

Or "I have done a lot worse than you did in the kitchen."

「台所の例よりよっぽど ひどいことしてる」とか

(Laughter)

（笑）

"Maybe it's too late."

「手遅れだ」とか

Well, I mean this --

いいですか

if you have only one takeaway from this talk,

これだけは 覚えて帰ってください

please let this be it: It is not too late.

手遅れじゃない

It is never too late.

遅すぎることなんてないんです

How do I know?

どうしてかって？

Well, imagine, right after this, you get a call from one of your parents,

例えば この後すぐに 親から電話がかかってきて…

and if neither of your parents are alive,

もし亡くなっていたら 手紙を見つけたと想像して

imagine finding and opening a letter you hadn't seen till that moment.

OK, walk through this with me, here's the call.

その内容はこう

"Hey,

「あのね 唐突かもしれないけど」

I know this sounds out of the blue,

but I've been thinking a lot about your childhood.

「最近あなたの子供時代を よく思い出すの」

And I think there were a lot of moments that felt really bad to you.

「あなたにたくさん嫌な思いを させてしまった」

And you are right to feel that way.

「あなたの思いは当然で」

Those moments weren't your fault.

「あなたは悪くない」

They were times when I was struggling,

「あの時は必死だったの」

and if I could have gone back, I would have stepped aside,

「やり直せるなら いったん距離を置いて」

I would have calmed myself down,

「心を落ち着けてから あなたを助けてあげたい」

and then found you to help you with whatever you were struggling with.

I'm sorry.

「本当にごめんね」

And if you're ever willing to talk to me about any of those moments,

「どの出来事でもいい 話したくなったら聞くから」

I'll listen.

I won't listen to have a rebuttal. I'll listen to understand.

「反論じゃなく 理解するために」

I love you."

「愛してる」

I don't know many adults who don't have a fairly visceral reaction

この話に心を打たれない 大人はほぼいません

to that exercise.

I often hear, “Why am I crying?”

知らずに涙を流す人もいます

Or "Listen, that wouldn't change everything.

もしくは「全部は無理でも 何かが変わるかも」

But it might change some things."

という人も

Well, I definitely do not specialize in math,

私は数学者じゃないけれど

but here's something I know with certainty.

これは確実に言えます

If you have a child, that child is younger than you are.

あなたの子供は あなたより若い

(Laughter)

（笑）

Always true.

絶対です

The story of their life is shorter

子供の歴史は短いし

and even more amenable to editing.

大人よりも修正しやすい

So if that imagined exercise had an impact on you,

だから もしこの話で 心が動いたなら

imagine the impact an actual repair will have on your child.

実際の修復が子供に与える 影響を想像してください

See?

ほらね

I told you, it's never too late.

遅すぎることなんてないんです

Thank you.

ありがとうございました

(Cheers and applause)

（拍手と歓声）

（拍手と歓声 終わり）