The Single Most Important Parenting Strategy | Becky Kennedy | TED

2,362,414 views ใƒป 2023-09-14

TED


ืื ื ืœื—ืฅ ืคืขืžื™ื™ื ืขืœ ื”ื›ืชื•ื‘ื™ื•ืช ื‘ืื ื’ืœื™ืช ืœืžื˜ื” ื›ื“ื™ ืœื”ืคืขื™ืœ ืืช ื”ืกืจื˜ื•ืŸ.

ืชืจื’ื•ื: Zvi Kestenbom ืขืจื™ื›ื”: zeeva livshitz
00:04
Alright, quick poll --
0
4584
1710
ื‘ืกื“ืจ, ืกืงืจ ืงืฆืจ --
00:06
raise your hand if you have a relationship in your life
1
6628
3295
ืชืจื™ืžื• ืืช ื”ื™ื“ ืื ื™ืฉ ืœื›ื ืžืขืจื›ืช ื™ื—ืกื™ื ื›ืœืฉื”ื™ ื‘ื—ื™ื™ื›ื
00:09
that's meaningful to you.
2
9923
1668
ื‘ืขืœืช ืžืฉืžืขื•ืช ืจื‘ื” ื‘ืฉื‘ื™ืœื›ื.
00:13
OK, I assumed, but always good to check our assumptions.
3
13760
3045
ืื•ืงื™, ื›ืš ื’ื ื”ื ื—ืชื™, ืื‘ืœ ืชืžื™ื“ ื›ื“ืื™ ืœื‘ื“ื•ืง ืืช ื”ื”ื ื—ื•ืช ืฉืœื ื•.
00:16
(Laughter)
4
16805
1168
(ืฆื—ื•ืง ื‘ืงื”ืœ)
00:18
Iโ€™m saying this because
5
18431
1252
ืื ื™ ืื•ืžืจืช ืืช ื–ื” ื‘ื’ืœืœ
00:19
while I'll be focusing today on a parent-child relationship,
6
19724
4129
ืฉื›ืืฉืจ ืื ื™ ืžืชืจื›ื–ืช ื›ื™ื•ื ื‘ืžืขืจื›ืช ื™ื—ืกื™ื ืฉืœ ื”ื•ืจื”-ื™ืœื“,
00:23
please know that everything I'm talking about
7
23895
2127
ื‘ื‘ืงืฉื” ืชื“ืขื• ืฉื›ืœ ืžื” ืฉืื ื™ ืžื“ื‘ืจืช ืขืœื™ื•
00:26
is applicable to any meaningful relationship.
8
26022
3796
ืจืœื•ื•ื ื˜ื™ ื’ื ืœื›ืœ ืžืขืจื›ืช ื™ื—ืกื™ื ื‘ืขืœืช ืžืฉืžืขื•ืช ืจื‘ื”
00:30
So with that in mind, let's jump in.
9
30694
2794
ื•ืœื›ืŸ ื›ืืฉืจ ืื ื• ืžื‘ื™ื ื™ื ื–ืืช, ื‘ื•ืื• ื ืงืคื•ืฅ ืคื ื™ืžื”.
00:34
So it's Sunday night, I'm in my kitchen.
10
34781
3295
ืื– ืขื›ืฉื™ื• ืจืืฉื•ืŸ ื‘ืขืจื‘, ื•ืื ื™ ื ืžืฆืืช ื‘ืžื˜ื‘ื— ืฉืœื™.
00:38
I just finished cooking dinner for my family,
11
38118
2419
ื‘ื“ื™ื•ืง ืกื™ื™ืžืชื™ ืœื‘ืฉืœ ืืจื•ื—ืช ืขืจื‘ ืœืžืฉืคื—ื” ืฉืœื™,
00:40
and I am on edge.
12
40579
2127
ื•ืื ื™ ืขืœ ื”ืงืฆื”.
00:43
I mean, I'm exhausted, I haven't been sleeping well.
13
43039
2878
ื›ืœื•ืžืจ, ืื ื™ ืžื•ืชืฉืช, ืœื ื™ืฉื ืชื™ ื˜ื•ื‘.
00:45
Iโ€™m anxious about the upcoming workweek,
14
45959
2377
ืื ื™ ื—ืจื“ื” ืžืฉื‘ื•ืข ื”ืขื‘ื•ื“ื” ื”ืžืชืงืจื‘,
00:48
I'm overwhelmed by all the items on my unfinished to-do list.
15
48378
3837
ืื ื™ ืžื•ืฆืคืช ืžื›ืœ ื”ืคืจื™ื˜ื™ื ื”ื ืžืฆืื™ื ื‘ืจืฉื™ืžืช ื”ืžื˜ืœื•ืช ื”ื‘ืœืชื™ ื’ืžื•ืจื” ืฉืœื™.
00:52
And then, my son walks into the kitchen.
16
52549
2210
ื•ืื–, ื”ื‘ืŸ ืฉืœื™ ื ื›ื ืก ืœืžื˜ื‘ื—.
00:54
He looks at the table and whines,
17
54759
2419
ื”ื•ื ืžืกืชื›ืœ ืืœ ื”ืฉื•ืœื—ืŸ ื•ืžืชื‘ื›ื™ื™ืŸ,
00:57
"Chicken again?"
18
57220
1293
โ€œืขื•ื“ ืคืขื ืขื•ืฃ?โ€
00:58
(Laughter)
19
58513
1043
(ืฆื—ื•ืง ื‘ืงื”ืœ)
00:59
"Disgusting."
20
59598
1251
โ€œืžื’ืขื™ืœโ€
01:00
(Laughter)
21
60890
2002
(ืฆื—ื•ืง ื‘ืงื”ืœ)
01:02
And that's it. I snap.
22
62934
1543
ื•ืื– ื–ื”ื•, ื ืฉื‘ืจืชื™.
01:04
I look at him and I yell,
23
64477
1252
ืื ื™ ืžืกืชื›ืœืช ืขืœื™ื• ื•ืฆื•ืขืงืช,
01:05
"What is wrong with you?
24
65770
1794
โ€œืžื” ืœื ื‘ืกื“ืจ ืื™ืชืš?
01:07
Can you be grateful for one thing in your life?"
25
67564
3003
ืืชื” ื™ื›ื•ืœ ืœื”ื›ื™ืจ ืชื•ื“ื” ืคืขื ืื—ืช ื‘ื—ื™ื™ื ืฉืœืš?โ€
01:12
And things get worse from there.
26
72068
1585
ื•ื”ื“ื‘ืจื™ื ื ืขืฉื• ื’ืจื•ืขื™ื ื™ื•ืชืจ ืžืจื’ืข ื–ื”.
01:13
He screams, "I hate you."
27
73653
1293
ื”ื•ื ืฆื•ืขืง, โ€œืื ื™ ืฉื•ื ื ืื•ืชืšโ€œ.
01:14
He runs out of the room and he slams his bedroom door.
28
74988
2544
ื”ื•ื ืจืฅ ืœื—ื“ืจ ื•ื˜ื•ืจืง ืืช ื”ื“ืœืช.
01:17
And now, my self-loathing session begins,
29
77574
2461
ื•ืขื›ืฉื™ื•, ืจื’ืขื™ ื”ื”ื”ืืฉืžื” ื”ืขืฆืžื™ืช ืฉืœื™ ืžืชื—ื™ืœื™ื,
01:20
as I say to myself, "What is wrong with me?
30
80035
3253
ื›ืืฉืจ ืื ื™ ืื•ืžืจืช ืœืขืฆืžื™, โ€œืžื” ืœื ื‘ืกื“ืจ ืื™ืชื™?
01:24
I've messed up my kid forever."
31
84331
1793
ืื ื™ ื”ื•ืจืกืช ืืช ื—ื™ื™ ื”ื‘ืŸ ืฉืœื™ ืœืขื“โ€œ.
01:27
Well, if you're a parent, you've probably felt that pain.
32
87083
3587
ื”ืืžืช, ืื ืืชื” ื”ื•ืจื”, ื›ื ืจืื” ื›ื‘ืจ ื”ืจื’ืฉืช ืืช ื”ื›ืื‘ ื”ื–ื”.
01:31
For me, it comes with an extra layer of shame.
33
91212
3504
ื‘ืฉื‘ื™ืœื™, ื–ื” ืžื’ื™ืข ืขื ืฉื›ื‘ื” ื ื•ืกืคืช ืฉืœ ืžื‘ื•ื›ื”.
01:35
I mean, Iโ€™m a clinical psychologist
34
95508
2419
ื›ืœื•ืžืจ, ืื ื™ ืคืกื™ื›ื•ืœื•ื’ื™ืช ืงืœื™ื ื™ืช
01:37
and my specialty is helping people become better parents.
35
97969
4088
ื•ื”ืžื•ืžื—ื™ื•ืช ืฉืœ ื”ื™ื ืœืขื–ื•ืจ ืœืื ืฉื™ื ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ื”ื•ืจื™ื ื˜ื•ื‘ื™ื ื™ื•ืชืจ.
01:42
(Laughter)
36
102098
2461
(ืฆื—ื•ืง ื‘ืงื”ืœ)
01:44
And yet, this is true as well --
37
104601
1710
ื•ืขื“ื™ื™ืŸ, ื–ื” ื ื›ื•ืŸ --
01:46
there is no such thing as a perfect parent.
38
106311
3754
ืื™ืŸ ื›ื–ื” ื“ื‘ืจ ื”ื•ืจื•ืช ืžื•ืฉืœืžืช.
01:50
Mistakes and struggles, they come with the job,
39
110482
3211
ื˜ืขื•ื™ื•ืช ื•ืืชื’ืจื™ื, ืžื’ื™ืขื™ื ืขื ื”ืขื‘ื•ื“ื”,
01:53
but no one tells us what to do next.
40
113693
2920
ืื‘ืœ ืืฃ ืื—ื“ ืœื ืื•ืžืจ ืœื ื• ืžื” ืœืขืฉื•ืช ื‘ืฉืœื‘ ื”ื‘ื.
ื”ืื ืื ื—ื ื• ืคืฉื•ื˜ ืฆืจื™ื›ื™ื ืœื”ืžืฉื™ืš ื”ืœืื”?
01:57
Do we just move on?
41
117072
1585
01:58
Kind of just pretend the whole thing never happened?
42
118657
2961
ืžืฉื”ื• ื›ืžื• ืœื”ืขืžื™ื“ ืคื ื™ื ื›ืื™ืœื• ื›ืœ ื”ื“ื‘ืจ ื”ื–ื” ืžืขื•ืœื ืœื ืงืจื”?
02:01
Or if I say something, what are the words?
43
121660
3753
ืื• ืฉืื ืื ื™ ืื•ืžืจืช ืžืฉื”ื•, ืžื”ืŸ ื”ืžื™ืœื™ื ื”ื ื›ื•ื ื•ืช?
02:06
Well, for years, as a clinical psychologist in private practice,
44
126081
4337
ื”ืืžืช, ื‘ืžืฉืš ืฉื ื™ื, ื‘ืชื•ืจ ืคืกื™ื›ื•ืœื•ื’ื™ืช ืงืœื™ื ื™ืช ืขืฆืžืื™ืช,
02:10
I saw client after client struggle with this question.
45
130460
2878
ืจืื™ืชื™ ืœืงื•ื— ืื—ืจื™ ืœืงื•ื— ื ืื‘ืงื™ื ืขื ื”ืฉืืœื” ื”ื–ื•.
02:13
And now, as the creator of the parenting content and community platform
46
133713
5172
ื•ืขื›ืฉื™ื•, ื‘ืชื•ืจ ื™ื•ืฆืจืช ืชื›ื ื™ ื”ื•ืจื•ืช ื•ื”ืคื•ืจื•ื ื”ืงื”ื™ืœืชื™
02:18
"Good Inside,"
47
138927
1293
โ€œGood Insideโ€,
02:20
I see millions of parents around the globe struggle with this issue.
48
140261
4755
ืื ื™ ืจื•ืื” ืžื™ืœื™ื•ื ื™ ื”ื•ืจื™ื ืžืกื‘ื™ื‘ ืœื’ืœื•ื‘ื•ืก ืขื ืื•ืชื” ื‘ืขื™ื”.
02:25
All parents yell.
49
145725
2211
ื›ืœ ื”ื”ื•ืจื™ื ืฆื•ืขืงื™ื.
02:28
No one knows what to do next.
50
148645
2711
ืืฃ ืื—ื“ ืœื ื™ื•ื“ืข ืžื” ืœืขืฉื•ืช ื‘ืฉืœื‘ ื”ื‘ื.
02:32
Well, I'm determined to fill this gap.
51
152524
2294
ื•ืื ื™ ื ื—ื•ืฉื” ืœืžืœื ืืช ื”ืคืขืจ ื”ื–ื”.
02:34
After all, there's almost nothing within our interpersonal relationships
52
154818
4462
ืื—ืจื™ ื”ื›ืœ, ืื™ืŸ ื›ืžืขื˜ ืžืฉื”ื• ื‘ืžืกื’ืจืช ื”ื™ื—ืกื™ื ื”ื‘ื™ืŸ ืื™ืฉื™ื™ื ืฉืœื ื•
02:39
that can have as much impact as repair.
53
159322
3295
ืฉื™ืฉ ืœื• ื›ืœ ื›ืš ื”ืจื‘ื” ื”ืฉืคืขื” ื›ืžื• ืœืชืงืŸ.
02:42
Whenever a parent asks me,
54
162951
1793
ื‘ื›ืœ ืคืขื ืฉื”ื•ืจื” ืฉื•ืืœ ืื•ืชื™,
02:44
"What one parenting strategy should I focus on?"
55
164744
3003
โ€œืžื”ื™ ืืกื˜ืจื˜ื’ื™ืช ื”ื”ื•ืจื•ืช ื™ื—ื™ื“ื” ืฉื›ื“ืื™ ืœื™ ืœื”ืชืžืงื“ ื‘ื”?โ€œ.
02:47
I always say the same thing:
56
167789
2252
ืื ื™ ืื•ืžืจืช ืชืžื™ื“ ืืช ืื•ืชื• ื”ื“ื‘ืจ:
02:50
"Get good at repair."
57
170083
2002
โ€œืชื”ื™ื” ื˜ื•ื‘ ื‘ืœืชืงืŸโ€œ.
02:52
So what is repair?
58
172836
1418
ืื– ืžื” ื–ื” ืœืชืงืŸ?
02:54
Repair is the act of going back to a moment of disconnection.
59
174963
3837
ืœืชืงืŸ ื–ื• ื”ืคืขื•ืœื” ืฉืœ ืœื—ื–ื•ืจ ื—ื–ืจื” ืœืื•ืชื• ืจื’ืข ืฉืœ ื ื™ืชื•ืง.
02:59
Taking responsibility for your behavior
60
179175
3045
ืœืงื—ืช ืื—ืจื™ื•ืช ืขืœ ื”ื”ืชื ื”ื’ื•ืช ืฉืœืš
03:02
and acknowledging the impact it had on another.
61
182262
3378
ื•ืœื”ื‘ื™ืŸ ืืช ื”ื”ืฉืคืขื” ืฉื™ืฉ ืœื” ืขืœ ื”ืื—ืจ.
03:06
And I want to differentiate a repair from an apology,
62
186099
3420
ื•ืื ื™ ืจื•ืฆื” ืœื”ื‘ื“ื™ืœ ื‘ื™ืŸ ืœืชืงืŸ ืœื‘ื™ืŸ ืœื”ืชื ืฆืœ,
03:09
because when an apology often looks to shut a conversation down --
63
189519
4630
ื‘ื’ืœืœ ืฉื”ืชื ืฆืœื•ืช ื‘ื“ืจืš ื›ืœืœ ื’ื•ืจืžืช ืœืกื’ื™ืจื” ืฉืœ ืฉื™ื—ื” --
03:14
โ€œHey, Iโ€™m sorry I yelled. Can we move on now?โ€ --
64
194149
3920
โ€œืื ื™ ืžืฆื˜ืขืจืช ืฉืฆืขืงืชื™. ืื ื—ื ื• ื™ื›ื•ืœื™ื ืœื”ืžืฉื™ืš ืขื›ืฉื™ื• ื”ืœืื”?โ€ --
03:18
a good repair opens one up.
65
198111
2919
ืชื™ืงื•ืŸ ื˜ื•ื‘ ืคื•ืชื— ืื—ืช ื›ื–ื•.
03:21
And if you think about what it means to get good at repair,
66
201865
3879
ื•ืื ืืชื ื—ื•ืฉื‘ื™ื ืขืœ ืžื” ืฉืื ื™ ืžืชื›ื•ื•ื ืช ื›ืฉืื ื™ ืื•ืžืจืช ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ื˜ื•ื‘ื™ื ื‘ืœืชืงืŸ,
03:25
there's so much baked-in realism and hope and possibility.
67
205785
5089
ื™ืฉ ื›ืœ ื›ืš ื”ืจื‘ื” ืจื™ืืœื™ื–ื ื•ืชืงื•ื•ื” ื•ืืคืฉืจื•ื™ื•ืช.
03:31
Repair assumes there's been a rupture.
68
211458
3461
ืชื™ืงื•ืŸ ืžื ื™ื— ืฉื”ื™ื” ืงืจืข ื›ืœืฉื”ื•.
03:35
So to repair,
69
215670
1543
ืื– ื›ืืฉืจ ื™ืฉ ืชื™ืงื•ืŸ,
03:37
you have to mess up
70
217213
1710
ืืชื” ื—ื™ื™ื‘ ืœืคืฉืœ
03:38
or fall short of someone else's expectations.
71
218923
3170
ืื• ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ืžืชื—ืช ืœืฆื™ืคื™ื•ืช ืฉืœ ืžื™ืฉื”ื• ืื—ืจ.
03:42
Which means the next time I snap at my kid,
72
222093
3212
ืฉื–ื” ืื•ืžืจ ืฉื‘ืคืขื ื”ื‘ืื” ืฉืื ื™ ืžืชืคืจืฅ ืขืœ ื”ื™ืœื“ ืฉืœื™,
03:45
or my husband, or my work colleague,
73
225346
3212
ืื• ืขืœ ื”ื‘ืขืœ ืฉืœื™, ืื• ืขืœ ื—ื‘ืจ ืœืขื‘ื•ื“ื”,
03:48
instead of berating myself,
74
228600
1585
ื‘ืžืงื•ื ืœื’ืขื•ืจ ื‘ืขืฆืžื™,
03:50
like I did that night in the kitchen,
75
230226
1961
ื›ืžื• ืฉืขืฉื™ืชื™ ื‘ืื•ืชื• ืœื™ืœื” ื‘ืžื˜ื‘ื—,
03:52
I try to remind myself I'm focusing on getting good at repair.
76
232187
6214
ืื ื™ ืžื ืกื” ืœื”ื–ื›ื™ืจ ืœืขืฆืžื™ ืฉืื ื™ ืžืชืจื›ื–ืช ื‘ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ื˜ื•ื‘ื” ื‘ืœืชืงืŸ.
03:58
Step one is rupture.
77
238860
1627
ื”ืฆืขื“ ื”ืจืืฉื•ืŸ ื”ื•ื ื”ืงืจืข.
04:00
"Check that off, I crushed it."
78
240987
1710
โ€œืกื™ืžื ืชื™ ื›ื‘ืจ ื•ื™ ืขืœ ื–ื”, ื‘ืงืœื•ืชโ€œ.
04:02
(Laughter)
79
242739
2919
(ืฆื—ื•ืง ื‘ืงื”ืœ)
04:05
Step two is repair.
80
245700
1502
ื”ืฆืขื“ ื”ืฉื ื™ ื”ื•ื ืœืชืงืŸ.
04:08
"I can do this.
81
248077
1168
โ€œืื ื™ ื™ื›ื•ืœื” ืœืขืฉื•ืช ืืช ื–ื”
04:09
I'm actually right on track."
82
249662
1836
ื”ืืžืช ืฉืื ื™ ื‘ื“ื™ื•ืง ื‘ื“ืจืš ื”ื ื›ื•ื ื”โ€œ.
04:13
So let's get back to my example.
83
253374
1627
ื‘ื•ืื• ื ื—ื–ื•ืจ ืœื“ื•ื’ืžื” ืฉืœื™.
04:15
I'm in the kitchen, my son is in his room.
84
255043
2127
ืื ื™ ื‘ืžื˜ื‘ื—, ื”ื‘ืŸ ืฉืœื™ ื‘ื—ื“ืจ.
04:17
Well, what will happen if I don't repair?
85
257170
2753
ืื–, ืžื” ื™ืงืจื” ืื ืื ื™ ืœื ืืชืงืŸ?
04:20
Thatโ€™s really important to understand
86
260381
2211
ื–ื” ืžืฉื”ื• ืฉืžืื“ ื—ืฉื•ื‘ ืœื”ื‘ื™ืŸ
04:22
and helps us make a decision about what to do next.
87
262592
3212
ื•ืขื•ื–ืจ ืœื ื• ืœืงื‘ืœ ื”ื—ืœื˜ื” ืขืœ ืžื” ืœืขืฉื•ืช ื‘ืฉืœื‘ ื”ื‘ื.
04:27
Well, here are the facts.
88
267055
1668
ืื–, ืืœื” ื”ืขื•ื‘ื“ื•ืช.
04:29
My son is alone, overwhelmed
89
269015
2503
ื”ื‘ืŸ ืฉืœื™ ืœื‘ื“, ืžื•ืฆืฃ
04:31
and in a state of distress,
90
271518
1710
ื•ื ืžืฆื ื‘ืžืฆื‘ ืฉืœ ืžืชื—,
04:33
because, let's face it, his mom just became scary mom.
91
273269
4630
ื‘ื’ืœืœ, ืฉื‘ื•ืื• ื ื•ื“ื” ื‘ืืžืช, ืืžื ืฉืœื• ื ื”ืคื›ื” ื”ืจื’ืข ืœืืžื ืžืคื—ื™ื“ื”.
04:37
And now, he has to figure out a way to get back
92
277941
2752
ื•ืขื›ืฉื™ื•, ื”ื•ื ืฆืจื™ืš ืœืžืฆื•ื ื“ืจืš ืœื—ื–ื•ืจ ื—ื–ืจื”
04:40
to feeling safe and secure.
93
280693
1794
ืœื”ืจื’ืฉื” ืฉืœ ื‘ื™ื˜ื—ื•ืŸ.
04:43
And if I don't go help him do that through making a repair,
94
283196
4212
ื•ืื ืื ื™ ืœื ืืขื–ื•ืจ ืœื• ืœืขืฉื•ืช ื–ืืช ื‘ื“ืจืš ืฉืœ ืชื™ืงื•ืŸ,
04:47
he has to rely on one of the only coping mechanisms
95
287450
3670
ื”ื•ื ื™ื”ื™ื” ื—ื™ื™ื‘ ืœืกืžื•ืš ืขืœ ืื—ื“ ืžืžื ื’ื ื•ื ื™ ื”ื”ืชืžื•ื“ื“ื•ืช ื”ื™ื—ื™ื“ื™ื
04:51
he has at his own disposal ...
96
291120
2336
ืฉื™ืฉ ื‘ืจืฉื•ืชื• ...
04:54
self-blame.
97
294123
1544
ื”ืืฉืžื”-ืขืฆืžื™ืช.
04:56
Self-blame sounds like this:
98
296251
2460
ื”ืืฉืžื”-ืขืฆืžื™ืช ื ืฉืžืขืช ื›ื›ื”:
04:58
โ€œSomethingโ€™s wrong with me.
99
298711
1794
โ€œืžืฉื”ื• ืœื ื‘ืกื“ืจ ืื™ืชื™.
05:01
Iโ€™m unlovable.
100
301881
1293
ืื ื™ ื‘ืœืชื™ ืื”ื•ื‘.
05:04
I make bad things happen.โ€
101
304509
1668
ืื ื™ ื’ื•ืจื ืœื“ื‘ืจื™ื ืœื ื˜ื•ื‘ื™ื ืœืงืจื•ืชโ€œ.
05:07
Ronald Fairbairn may have said it best when he wrote that, for kids,
102
307387
4296
Ronald Fairbairn ืื•ืœื™ ืืžืจ ืืช ื–ื” ื‘ืฆื•ืจื” ืžื•ืฉืœืžืช ื›ืืฉืจ ื”ื•ื ื›ืชื‘ ื–ืืช, ืœื™ืœื“ื™ื:
05:11
it is better to be a sinner in a world ruled by God
103
311724
4797
ืขื“ื™ืฃ ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ื—ื•ื˜ื ื‘ืขื•ืœื ืฉื ืฉืœื˜ ืขืœ ื™ื“ื™ ืืœื•ื”ื™ื
05:16
than to live in a world ruled by the devil.
104
316563
3420
ืžืืฉืจ ืœื—ื™ื•ืช ื‘ืขื•ืœื ืฉื ืฉืœื˜ ืขืœ ื™ื“ื™ ื”ืฉื˜ืŸ.
05:21
In other words, it's actually adaptive
105
321150
2878
ื‘ืžื™ืœื™ื ืื—ืจื•ืช, ื™ื•ืชืจ ืงืœ ื•ืžืชืื™ื
05:24
for a child to internalize badness and fault,
106
324070
4379
ืœื™ืœื“ ืœื”ืคื ื™ื ืจื•ืข ื•ืืฉืžื”,
05:28
because at least then, they can hold onto the idea
107
328449
2461
ื‘ื’ืœืœ ืฉืœืคื—ื•ืช ืื–, ื”ื ื™ื›ื•ืœื™ื ืœื”ื—ื–ื™ืง ื‘ืจืขื™ื•ืŸ
05:30
that their parents and the world around them
108
330952
2502
ืฉื”ื”ื•ืจื™ื ืฉืœื”ื ื•ื”ืขื•ืœื ืฉืกื‘ื™ื‘ื
05:33
is safe and good.
109
333496
2044
ื‘ื˜ื•ื— ื•ื˜ื•ื‘.
05:37
And while self-blame works for us in childhood,
110
337292
3295
ื‘ื–ืžืŸ ืฉื”ื”ืืฉืžื”-ืขืฆืžื™ืช ืขื•ื–ืจืช ืœื ื• ื‘ืชืงื•ืคืช ื”ื™ืœื“ื•ืช,
05:40
we all know it works against us in adulthood.
111
340628
3295
ื›ื•ืœื ื• ื™ื•ื“ืขื™ื ืฉื”ื™ื ืขื•ื‘ื“ืช ื ื’ื“ื ื• ื‘ืชืงื•ืคืช ื”ื‘ื’ืจื•ืช.
05:44
โ€œSomethingโ€™s wrong with me.
112
344591
1584
โ€œืžืฉื”ื• ืœื ื‘ืกื“ืจ ืื™ืชื™.
05:46
I make bad things happen.
113
346175
1502
ืื ื™ ื’ื•ืจื ืœื“ื‘ืจื™ื ืœื ื˜ื•ื‘ื™ื ืœืงืจื•ืช.
05:47
Iโ€™m unlovable.โ€
114
347719
1293
ืื ื™ ื‘ืœืชื™ ืื”ื•ื‘โ€œ.
05:49
These are the core fears of so many adults.
115
349012
3461
ืืœื” ืคื—ื“ื™ ื”ืœื™ื‘ื” ืฉืœ ื›ืœ ื›ืš ื”ืจื‘ื” ืžื‘ื•ื’ืจื™ื.
05:52
But really, we see here, they are actually the childhood stories
116
352807
4463
ืื‘ืœ ื”ืืžืช, ืื ื—ื ื• ืจื•ืื™ื ื›ืืŸ, ืฉืืœื” ื”ืกื™ืคื•ืจื™ื ืฉืœ ืชืงื•ืคืช ื”ื™ืœื“ื•ืช ืฉืœื ื•
05:57
we wrote when we were left alone
117
357270
2252
ืฉืื ื—ื ื• ื›ืชื‘ื ื• ื›ืืฉืจ ื ืฉืืจื ื• ืœื‘ื“
05:59
following distressing events that went unrepaired.
118
359564
3670
ื‘ืขืงื‘ื•ืช ืื™ืจื•ืขื™ื ืžืฆืขืจื™ื ืฉืœื ืขื‘ืจื• ืชื”ืœื™ืš ืชื™ืงื•ืŸ.
06:05
Plus, adults with self-blame are vulnerable to depression, anxiety,
119
365737
4379
ื‘ื ื•ืกืฃ,ืžื‘ื•ื’ืจื™ื ื‘ืขืœื™ ื”ืืฉืžื”-ืขืฆืžื™ืช, ืคื’ื™ืขื™ื ื™ื•ืชืจ ืœื“ื™ื›ืื•ื ื•ืช, ื—ืจื“ื•ืช.
06:10
deep feelings of worthlessness --
120
370158
1793
ื”ืจื’ืฉื” ืขืžื•ืงื” ืฉืœ ื—ื•ืกืจ ืขืจืš --
06:11
none of which we want for our kids.
121
371951
2044
ืฉืื ื• ื›ืœืœ ืœื ืจื•ืฆื™ื ืฉืœื™ืœื“ื™ื ืฉืœื ื• ื™ื”ื™ื•.
06:14
And we can do better.
122
374495
1335
ื•ืืคืฉืจ ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ื˜ื•ื‘ื™ื ื™ื•ืชืจ.
06:15
And it doesn't mean we have to be perfect.
123
375872
2544
ื•ื–ื” ืœื ืื•ืžืจ ืฉืื ื—ื ื• ืฆืจื™ื›ื™ื ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ืžื•ืฉืœืžื™ื.
06:18
When you repair,
124
378458
1293
ื›ืืฉืจ ืืชื” ืžืชืงืŸ,
06:19
you go further than removing a child's story of self-blame.
125
379751
4045
ืืชื” ื”ื•ืœืš ืžืขื‘ืจ ืžืœื”ืกื™ืจ ืกื™ืคื•ืจ ื”ืืฉืžื”-ืขืฆืžื™ืช ืฉืœ ื™ืœื“.
06:24
You get to add in all the elements that were missing in the first place.
126
384172
5505
ืืชื” ื–ื•ื›ื” ืœื”ื•ืกื™ืฃ ืืช ื›ืœ ื”ืืœืžื ื˜ื™ื ืฉื”ื™ื• ื—ืกืจื™ื ืžืœื›ืชื—ื™ืœื”.
06:29
Safety, connection, coherence, love, goodness.
127
389719
5589
ื‘ื™ื˜ื—ื•ืŸ, ื—ื™ื‘ื•ืจ, ืœื›ื™ื“ื•ืช, ืื”ื‘ื”, ืขืฉื™ื™ืช-ื˜ื•ื‘.
06:35
It's as if you're saying to a child,
128
395642
1876
ื–ื” ื›ืื™ืœื• ืืช ืื•ืžืจืช ืœื™ืœื“ ืฉืœืš,
06:37
"I will not let this chapter of your life end in self-blame.
129
397518
4296
" ืื ื™ ืœื ืืชืŸ ืœืคืจืง ื”ื–ื” ืฉืœ ื—ื™ื™ืš ืœื™ืคื•ืœ ืœื”ืืฉืžื”-ืขืฆืžื™ืช.
06:42
Yes, this chapter will still contain the event of yelling,
130
402815
4004
ื›ืŸ, ื”ืคืจืง ื”ื–ื” ื™ื›ืœื•ืœ ืื™ืจื•ืข ืฉืœ ืฆืขืงื•ืช,
06:46
but I can ensure this chapter has a different ending,
131
406819
4088
ืื‘ืœ ืื ื™ ื™ื›ื•ืœื” ืœื”ื‘ื˜ื™ื— ืฉืœืคืจืง ื–ื” ื™ืฉ ืกื•ืฃ ืื—ืจ,
06:50
and therefore a different title, and theme and lesson learned."
132
410949
5046
ื•ืœื›ืŸ ื›ื•ืชืจืช ืฉื•ื ื”, ื•ื ื•ืฉื ื•ืฉื™ืขื•ืจ ืื—ืจ ืฉื ืœืžื“โ€œ.
06:56
We know that memory is original events
133
416955
3253
ืื ื—ื ื• ื™ื•ื“ืขื™ื ืฉื–ื™ื›ืจื•ืŸ ื”ื•ื ืื™ืจื•ืข ืžืงื•ืจื™
07:00
combined with every other time you've remembered that event.
134
420208
3795
ืฉืžื—ื•ื‘ืจ ืœื›ืœ ื–ืžืŸ ืื—ืจ ืฉื–ื›ืจืช ืืช ืื•ืชื• ืžืงืจื”.
07:04
This is why therapy's helpful, right?
135
424837
2294
ื•ืœื›ืŸ ื–ื• ื”ืกื™ื‘ื” ืฉื˜ื™ืคื•ืœ ืขื•ื–ืจ, ื ื›ื•ืŸ?
07:07
When you remember painful experiences from your past
136
427173
3754
ื›ืืฉืจ ืืชื” ื–ื•ื›ืจ ื”ืชื ืกื•ืช ื›ื•ืื‘ืช ืžื”ืขื‘ืจ ืฉืœืš
07:10
within a safer and more connected relationship,
137
430927
4129
ื‘ืชื•ืš ืžืขืจื›ืช ื™ื—ืกื™ื ื™ื•ืชืจ ื‘ื˜ื•ื—ื” ื•ืžื—ื•ื‘ืจืช
07:15
the event remains,
138
435098
1459
ื”ืื™ืจื•ืข ื”ื–ื” ื ืฉืืจ,
07:16
but your story of the event, it changes, and then you change.
139
436599
5672
ืื‘ืœ ื”ืกื™ืคื•ืจ ืฉืœ ื”ืื™ืจื•ืข ื”ื–ื”, ื”ื•ื ืžืฉืชื ื”, ื•ืื– ืืชื” ืžืฉืชื ื”.
07:23
With repair,
140
443272
1377
ื‘ืขื–ืจืช ืชื™ืงื•ืŸ,
07:24
we effectively change the past.
141
444691
2877
ืื ื—ื ื• ืžืฉื ื™ื ืืช ื”ืขื‘ืจ ื‘ืฆื•ืจื” ืืคืงื˜ื™ื‘ื™ืช.
07:29
So let's write a better story.
142
449362
2044
ืื– ื‘ื•ืื• ื ื›ืชื•ื‘ ืกื™ืคื•ืจ ื˜ื•ื‘ ื™ื•ืชืจ.
07:31
Let's learn how to repair.
143
451406
1751
ื‘ื•ืื• ื ืœืžื“ ืื™ืš ืœืชืงืŸ.
07:33
Step one, repair with yourself.
144
453992
2711
ื”ืฆืขื“ ื”ืจืืฉื•ืŸ, ืชืชืงืŸ ืืช ืขืฆืžืš.
07:37
That's right.
145
457120
1167
ื‘ื“ื™ื•ืง ื›ืš.
07:38
I mean, you can't offer compassion
146
458287
2086
ืื ื™ ืžืชื›ื•ื•ื ืช, ืืชื” ืœื ื™ื›ื•ืœ ืœื”ืฆื™ืข ื—ืžืœื”
07:40
or groundedness or understanding to someone else
147
460415
3753
ืื• ื™ืฆื™ื‘ื•ืช ืื• ื”ื‘ื ื” ืœืžื™ืฉื”ื• ืื—ืจ
07:44
before you access those qualities within yourself.
148
464210
3754
ืœืคื ื™ ืฉืืชื” ื ื›ื ืก ืœืชื›ื•ื ื•ืช ืืœื” ื‘ืชื•ืš ืขืฆืžืš.
07:48
Self-repair means separating your identity,
149
468715
3336
ืžืฉืžืขื•ืช ืชื™ืงื•ืŸ-ืขืฆืžื™ ื”ื•ื ืœื”ืคืจื™ื“ ืืช ื”ืื™ืฉื™ื•ืช,
07:52
who you are,
150
472093
1793
ืžื™ ืืชื”,
07:53
from your behavior, what you did.
151
473886
3546
ืžื”ื”ืชื ื”ื’ื•ืช ืฉืœืš, ืžื” ืฉืขืฉื™ืช.
07:58
For me, it means telling myself two things are true.
152
478349
3671
ื‘ืฉื‘ื™ืœื™, ื–ื” ืื•ืžืจ ืœื”ื’ื™ื“ ืœืขืฆืžื™ ืฉื ื™ ื“ื‘ืจื™ื ื ื›ื•ื ื™ื.
08:02
Iโ€™m not proud of my latest behavior
153
482020
2752
ืื ื™ ืœื ื’ืื” ื‘ื”ืชื ื”ื’ื•ืช ื”ืื—ืจื•ื ื” ืฉืœื™
08:04
and my latest behavior doesn't define me.
154
484814
2711
ื•ื”ื”ืชื ื”ื’ื•ืช ื”ืื—ืจื•ื ื” ืฉืœื™ ืื™ื ื” ืžื’ื“ื™ืจื” ืื•ืชื™.
08:08
Even as I struggle on the outside, I remain good inside.
155
488026
5088
ื’ื ื›ืฉืื ื™ ื ืื‘ืงืช ืžื‘ื—ื•ืฅ, ืื ื™ ื ืฉืืจืช ื˜ื•ื‘ื” ืžื‘ืคื ื™ื.
08:14
I can then start to see that I'm a good parent --
156
494115
2753
ืื ื™ ืื– ื™ื›ื•ืœื” ืœื”ืชื—ื™ืœ ืœืจืื•ืช ืฉืื ื™ ื”ื•ืจื” ื˜ื•ื‘ --
08:16
identity --
157
496868
1168
ื–ื”ื•ืช --
08:18
who was having a hard time -- behavior.
158
498036
3753
ืฉืฉืขื‘ืจื” ืชืงื•ืคื” ืงืฉื” -- ื”ืชื ื”ื’ื•ืช.
08:21
And no, this doesn't let me off the hook.
159
501831
3921
ื•ืœื, ื–ื” ืœื ืคื•ื˜ืจ ืื•ืชื™.
08:25
This is precisely what leaves me on the hook for change.
160
505793
3712
ื–ื” ื‘ื“ื™ื•ืง ืžื” ืฉืžืฉืื™ืจ ืื•ืชื™ ืžื—ื•ื™ื‘ืช ืœืฉื™ื ื•ื™.
08:29
Because now that I've replaced my spiral with groundedness,
161
509547
3462
ื›ื™ ื›ืืฉืจ ืขื›ืฉื™ื• ืฉื”ื—ืœืคืชื™ ื—ื•ืกืจ ื™ืฆื™ื‘ื•ืช ื‘ื™ืฆื™ื‘ื•ืช,
08:33
I can actually use my energy
162
513051
1710
ืื ื™ ื™ื›ื•ืœื” ืคืชืื ืœื ืฆืœ ืืช ื”ืื ืจื’ื™ื” ืฉืœื™
08:34
toward thinking about what I want to do differently the next time.
163
514761
3545
ืœื›ื™ื•ื•ืŸ ื”ืžื—ืฉื‘ื” ืขืœ ืžื” ืฉืื ื™ ืจื•ืฆื” ืœืขืฉื•ืช ื‘ืฆื•ืจื” ืฉื•ื ื” ื‘ืคืขื ื”ื‘ืื”.
08:38
Oh, and I can now use my energy to go repair with my son.
164
518347
3087
ืื” , ื•ื’ื ืื ื™ ื™ื›ื•ืœื” ืœื ืฆืœ ืืช ื”ืื ืจื’ื™ื” ืฉืœื™ ื‘ืœืœื›ืช ืœืชืงืŸ ืขื ื”ื‘ืŸ ืฉืœื™.
08:41
Step two -- repair with your child.
165
521976
2336
ื”ืฆืขื“ ื”ืฉื ื™ -- ืœืชืงืŸ ืขื ื”ื™ืœื“ ืฉืœืš.
08:44
There's no exact formula.
166
524771
1459
ืื™ืŸ ื ื•ืกื—ื” ืžื“ื•ื™ื™ืงืช.
08:46
I often think about three elements:
167
526230
2127
ืื ื™ ืœืจื•ื‘ ื—ื•ืฉื‘ืช ืขืœ ืฉืœื•ืฉื” ืืœืžื ื˜ื™ื:
08:48
name what happened, take responsibility,
168
528399
2670
ืชืฆื™ื™ืŸ ืžื” ืงืจื”, ืงื— ืื—ืจื™ื•ืช,
08:51
state what you would do differently the next time.
169
531069
2419
ืชื’ื“ื™ืจ ืžื” ืืชื” ืชืขืฉื” ื‘ืฆื•ืจื” ืฉื•ื ื” ื‘ืคืขื ื”ื‘ืื”.
08:53
It could come together like this.
170
533488
2043
ื–ื” ื™ื›ื•ืœ ืœื”ื™ืฉืžืข ื›ื›ื”:
08:55
"Hey.
171
535573
1335
โ€œื”ื™ื™.
08:56
I keep thinking about what happened the other night in the kitchen.
172
536949
3212
ืื ื™ ื›ืœ ื”ื–ืžืŸ ื—ื•ืฉื‘ืช ืขืœ ืžื” ืฉืงืจื” ื‘ืื•ืชื• ืœื™ืœื” ื‘ืžื˜ื‘ื—.
09:00
I'm sorry I yelled.
173
540161
1543
ืื ื™ ืžืฆื˜ืขืจืช ืฉืฆืขืงืชื™
09:02
I'm sure that felt scary.
174
542121
1919
ืื ื™ ื‘ื˜ื•ื—ื” ืฉื–ื” ื”ืจื’ื™ืฉ ืžืคื—ื™ื“.
09:04
And it wasn't your fault.
175
544082
1668
ื•ื–ื” ืœื ื”ื™ื” ื‘ืืฉืžืชืš.
09:06
I'm working on staying calm, even when I'm frustrated."
176
546125
2878
ืื ื™ ืขื•ื‘ื“ืช ืขืœ ืœื”ื™ืฉืืจ ืจื’ื•ืขื”, ืืคื™ืœื• ื›ืฉืื ื™ ืžืชื•ืกื›ืœืชโ€œ.
09:10
A 15-second intervention can have a lifelong impact.
177
550004
4296
ื”ืชืขืจื‘ื•ืช ื‘ืช 15 ืฉื ื™ื•ืช ื™ื›ื•ืœื” ืœืชืช ื”ืฉืคืขื” ืœื›ืœ ื”ื—ื™ื™ื.
09:14
I've replaced my child's story of self-blame
178
554300
3504
ื”ื—ืœืคืชื™ ืืช ืกื™ืคื•ืจ ื”ื”ืืฉืžื”-ื”ืขืฆืžื™ืช ืฉืœ ื”ื™ืœื“ ืฉืœื™
09:17
with a story of self-trust and safety and connection.
179
557845
3921
ื‘ืกื™ืคื•ืจ ืฉืœ ืืžื•ืŸ-ืขืฆืžื™ ื‘ื™ื˜ื—ื•ืŸ ื•ื—ื™ื‘ื•ืจ.
09:21
I mean, what a massive upgrade.
180
561766
2085
ืื ื™ ืžืชื›ื•ื•ื ืช, ืื™ื–ื” ืฉื™ืคื•ืจ ืื“ื™ืจ.
09:24
And to give a little more clarity around how to repair,
181
564560
3087
ื•ื›ื“ื™ ืœื”ื‘ื”ื™ืจ ืขื•ื“ ืงืฆืช ื‘ื ื•ื’ืข ืœืื™ืš ืœืชืงืŸ,
09:27
I want to share a few examples of what I call "not repair,"
182
567688
3963
ืื ื™ ืจื•ืฆื” ืœืชืช ื›ืžื” ื“ื•ื’ืžืื•ืช ืขืœ ืื™ืš ืฉืื ื™ ืงื•ืจืืช ืœื–ื” โ€ ืœื ืœืชืงืŸโ€œ,
09:31
which are things that come more naturally to most of us --
183
571692
2795
ืฉื”ื ื‘ืขืฆื ื“ื‘ืจื™ื ืฉื‘ืื™ื ื“ื™ ื‘ืงืœื•ืช ืœืจื•ื‘ื ื• --
09:34
definitely me included.
184
574529
1668
ืœื—ืœื•ื˜ื™ืŸ ื’ื ืœื™.
09:36
"Hey, I'm sorry I yelled at you in the kitchen,
185
576572
2461
โ€œื”ื™ื™, ืื ื™ ืžืฆื˜ืขืจืช ืฉืฆืขืงืชื™ ืขืœื™ืš ื‘ืžื˜ื‘ื—,
09:39
but if you wouldn't have complained about dinner,
186
579075
2335
ืื‘ืœ ืื ืœื ื”ื™ื™ืช ืžืชืœื•ื ืŸ ืขืœ ืืจื•ื—ืช ื”ืขืจื‘,
09:41
it wouldn't have happened."
187
581452
1293
ื–ื” ืœื ื”ื™ื” ืงื•ืจื”โ€œ.
09:42
(Laughter)
188
582745
1043
(ืฆื—ื•ืง ื‘ืงื”ืœ)
09:43
Been there? Been there? OK.
189
583788
1710
ืงืจื” ืœื›ื? ืงืจื” ืœื›ื? ืื•ืงื™.
09:45
Or "You know, you really need to be grateful for things in your life,
190
585498
3629
ืื• โ€œืืชื” ื™ื•ื“ืข, ืื ื™ ืžืžืฉ ืฆืจื™ื›ื” ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ื™ื•ืชืจ ืžื›ื™ืจืช ืชื•ื“ื” ืœื“ื‘ืจื™ื ื‘ื—ื™ื™ื ืฉืœืš,
09:49
like a home-cooked meal.
191
589168
1377
ื›ืžื• ืืจื•ื—ื” ื‘ื™ืชื™ืช.
09:50
Then, you won't get yelled at."
192
590545
1585
ื•ืื–, ืœื ื™ืฆืขืงื• ืขืœื™ื™ืšโ€œ.
09:52
(Laughter)
193
592130
1543
(ืฆื—ื•ืง ื‘ืงื”ืœ)
09:54
Not only do these interventions fail at the goal of reconnection,
194
594298
3671
ืœื ืจืง ืฉื”ื”ืชืขืจื‘ื•ื™ื•ืช ื”ืืœื” ืœื ืคื•ื’ืขื•ืช ื‘ืžื˜ืจื” ืฉืœ ื—ื™ื‘ื•ืจ ืžื—ื“ืฉ,
09:58
they also insinuate that your child caused your reaction,
195
598010
4004
ื”ืŸ ื’ื ืจื•ืžื–ื•ืช ืฉื”ื™ืœื“ ืฉืœืš ื’ืจื ืœืชื’ื•ื‘ื” ืฉืœืš,
10:02
which simply isnโ€™t true
196
602056
1752
ืฉื‘ื•ื•ื“ืื•ืช ืœื ื ื›ื•ืŸ
10:03
and isn't a model of emotion regulation we want to pass on to the next generation.
197
603850
5213
ืฉืื™ื ื• ืžื•ื“ืœ ืœื—ื™ืงื•ื™ ืื• ื•ื™ืกื•ืช ืจื’ืฉื™ ืฉืื ื• ืจื•ืฆื™ื ืœื”ืขื‘ื™ืจ ืœื“ื•ืจ ื”ื‘ื.
10:09
(Applause)
198
609105
3503
(ืžื—ื™ืื•ืช ื›ืคื™ื™ื)
10:12
So let's say we've all resisted
199
612650
1710
ืื– ื‘ื•ืื• ื ื’ื™ื“ ืฉื›ื•ืœื ื• ื”ืชื ื’ื“ื ื•
10:14
the "it was your fault, anyway" not-repairs,
200
614360
2920
ืœ- โ€œื–ื” ื‘ืืฉืžืชืš ื‘ื›ืœ ืžืงืจื”โ€ ื”ืœื ืžืชืงื ื™ื,
10:17
and have instead prioritized a repair that allows us to reconnect.
201
617280
4629
ื•ื‘ืžืงื•ื ื–ื” ื”ืขื“ืคื ื• ืชื™ืงื•ืŸ ืฉื ื•ืชืŸ ืœื ื• ืœื”ืชื—ื‘ืจ ืžื—ื“ืฉ.
10:21
What might the impact be? What might that look like in adulthood?
202
621909
4630
ืžื” ืขืœื•ืœื” ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ื”ื”ืฉืคืขื”? ืื™ืš ื–ื” ื™ื›ื•ืœ ืœื”ื™ืจืื•ืช ื‘ืชืงื•ืคืช ื”ื‘ื’ืจื•ืช?
10:27
My adult child wonโ€™t spiral in self-blame when they make a mistake,
203
627331
4296
ื”ื™ืœื“ ื”ื‘ื•ื’ืจ ืฉืœื™ ืœื ื™ื™ืžืฆื ื‘ืกื—ืจื•ืจ ืฉืœ ื”ืืฉืžื”-ืขืฆืžื™ืช ื›ืืฉืจ ื”ื•ื ืขื•ืฉื” ื˜ืขื•ืช,
10:31
and wonโ€™t take on blame for someone elseโ€™s mistake.
204
631627
3212
ื•ืœื ื™ื™ืงื— ืืฉืžื” ืขืœ ื˜ืขื•ืช ืฉืœ ืžื™ืฉื”ื• ืื—ืจ.
10:35
My adult child will know how to take responsibility for their behavior,
205
635631
4213
ื”ื™ืœื“ ื”ื‘ื•ื’ืจ ืฉืœื™ ื™ื™ื“ืข ืื™ืš ืœืงื—ืช ืื—ืจื™ื•ืช ืขืœ ื”ื”ืชื ื”ื’ื•ืช ืฉืœื•.
10:39
because you've modeled how to take responsibility for yours.
206
639844
4296
ื‘ื’ืœืœ ืฉืืช ื”ื™ื™ืช ืžื•ื“ืœ ืœื—ื™ืงื•ื™ ืฉืœ ืื™ืš ืœืงื—ืช ืื—ืจื™ื•ืช ืขืœ ืžืขืฉื™ืš.
10:45
Repairing with a child today
207
645433
1543
ืœืชืงืŸ ืขื ื™ืœื“ ื”ื™ื•ื
10:46
sets the stage for these critical adult relationship patterns.
208
646976
3921
ืžืชื—ื™ืœ ืืช ื”ืฉืœื‘ ืœืฉืœื•ืฉืช ื“ืคื•ืกื™ ื”ื™ื—ืกื™ื ื”ืงืจื™ื˜ื™ื™ื ืœืžื‘ื•ื’ืจื™ื ื”ืืœื”.
10:51
Plus, it gets better --
209
651647
1544
ื‘ื ื•ืกืฃ, ื–ื” ื ื”ื™ื” ื™ื•ืชืจ ื˜ื•ื‘ --
10:53
now that I've reconnected with my son, I can do something really impactful.
210
653232
5881
ืขื›ืฉื™ื• ื›ืืฉืจ ืื ื™ ื”ืชื—ื‘ืจืชื™ ืžื—ื“ืฉ ืขื ื”ื‘ืŸ ืฉืœื™, ืื ื™ ื™ื›ื•ืœื” ืœืขืฉื•ืช ืžืฉื”ื• ื‘ืืžืช ืžืฉืžืขื•ืชื™.
10:59
I can teach him a skill he didn't have in the first place,
211
659113
3337
ืื ื™ ื™ื›ื•ืœื” ืœืœืžื“ ืื•ืชื• ืžื™ื•ืžื ื•ืช,
11:02
which is how kids actually change their behavior.
212
662491
3087
ืฉื–ื• ื‘ืืžืช ื”ื“ืจืš ื‘ื” ื”ื™ืœื“ื™ื ืžืฉื ื™ื ืืช ื”ื”ืชื ื”ื’ื•ืช ืฉืœื”ื.
11:06
So maybe the next day,
213
666245
1168
ืื– ืื•ืœื™ ื‘ืžื”ืœืš ื”ื™ื•ื ื”ื‘ื,
11:07
I say "You know, you're not always going to like what I make for dinner.
214
667455
3503
ืื ื™ ืื•ืžืจืช โ€œืืชื” ื™ื•ื“ืข, ืืชื” ืœื ืชืžื™ื“ ื”ื•ืœืš ืœืื”ื•ื‘ ืžื” ืฉืื ื™ ืžื›ื™ื ื” ืœืืจื•ื—ืช ืขืจื‘.
11:10
Instead of saying 'that's disgusting,'
215
670958
2253
ื‘ืžืงื•ื ืœื”ื’ื™ื“ โ€˜ื–ื” ืžื’ืขื™ืœโ€™,
11:13
I wonder if you could say 'not my favorite.'"
216
673211
2919
ืื ื™ ืชื•ื”ื” ืื ืชื•ื›ืœ ืœื”ื’ื™ื“ โ€˜ืœื ื”ืžื•ืขื“ืฃ ืขืœื™ื™โ€™.โ€
11:16
Now I'm teaching him how to regulate his understandable disappointment,
217
676130
4797
ืขื›ืฉื™ื• ืื ื™ ืžืœืžื“ืช ืื•ืชื• ืื™ืš ืœืชืจื’ืœ ืืช ื”ืื›ื–ื‘ื•ืช ื”ืžื•ื‘ื ื•ืช ืฉืœื•,
11:20
and communicate effectively and respectfully with another person.
218
680968
3712
ื•ืœืชืงืฉืจ ื‘ืฆื•ืจื” ืืคืงื˜ื™ื‘ื™ืช ื•ืžื›ื‘ื“ืช ืขื ืื“ื ืื—ืจ.
11:24
That never would have happened if instead,
219
684722
2669
ื›ืœ ื–ื” ืœื ื”ื™ื” ืงื•ืจื” ืื ืœื—ื™ืœื•ืคื™ืŸ,
11:27
I had been blaming him for my reaction.
220
687433
2586
ื”ื™ื™ืชื™ ืžืืฉื™ืžื” ืื•ืชื• ืขืœ ืชื’ื•ื‘ืชื™.
11:31
So here's the point where you might have a lingering concern.
221
691187
2961
ืื– ื›ืืŸ ื”ื ืงื•ื“ื” ืฉื‘ื” ืื•ืœื™ ื™ื”ื™ื” ืœืš ื“ืื’ื” ืžืชืžืฉื›ืช.
11:34
Maybe you're thinking,
222
694148
1376
ืื•ืœื™ ืืช ื—ื•ืฉื‘ืช,
11:35
"You know, I have a feeling that my kid's older than your kid."
223
695524
3170
โ€œืืชื” ื™ื•ื“ืข, ื™ืฉ ืœื™ ื”ืจื’ืฉื” ืฉื”ื™ืœื“ ืฉืœื™ ื™ื•ืชืจ ื’ื“ื•ืœ ืžื”ื™ืœื“ ืฉืœืšโ€œ.
11:38
(Laughter)
224
698694
1418
(ืฆื—ื•ืง ื‘ืงื”ืœ)
11:40
"I think it's too late."
225
700154
1668
โ€œืื ื™ ื—ื•ืฉื‘ ืฉื–ื” ืžืื•ื—ืจ ืžื“ื™โ€œ.
11:42
Or "I have done a lot worse than you did in the kitchen."
226
702490
3879
ืื• โ€œืžื” ืฉืื ื™ ืขืฉื™ืชื™ ื”ืจื‘ื” ื™ื•ืชืจ ื—ืžื•ืจ ืžืžื” ืฉืขืฉื™ืช ื‘ืžื˜ื‘ื—โ€œ.
11:46
(Laughter)
227
706410
1001
(ืฆื—ื•ืง ื‘ืงื”ืœ)
11:47
"Maybe it's too late."
228
707453
1460
โ€œืื•ืœื™ ื–ื” ืžืื•ื—ืจ ืžื“ื™โ€œ.
11:49
Well, I mean this --
229
709413
1168
ื”ืืžืช, ืื ื™ ืžืชื›ื•ื•ื ืช ืœื–ื” --
11:50
if you have only one takeaway from this talk,
230
710581
2127
ืื ื™ืฉ ืžืฉื”ื• ืื—ื“ ืœืงื—ืช ืžื”ืฉื™ื—ื” ื”ื–ืืช,
11:52
please let this be it: It is not too late.
231
712708
2336
ื‘ื‘ืงืฉื” ืฉื–ื” ื™ื”ื™ื” ื–ื”: ื–ื” ืœื ืžืื•ื—ืจ ืžื“ื™.
11:55
It is never too late.
232
715336
2169
ื–ื” ืืฃ ืคืขื ืœื ืžืื•ื—ืจ ืžื“ื™.
11:58
How do I know?
233
718297
1126
ืื™ืš ืื ื™ ื™ื•ื“ืขืช?
12:00
Well, imagine, right after this, you get a call from one of your parents,
234
720633
4421
ืชื—ืฉื‘ื• ืฉืžื™ื™ื“ ืื—ืจื™ ื–ื”, ืืชื ืžืงื‘ืœื™ื ืฉื™ื—ื” ืžืื—ื“ ื”ื”ื•ืจื™ื ืฉืœื›ื,
12:05
and if neither of your parents are alive,
235
725054
2044
ื•ืื ืืฃ ืื—ื“ ืžื”ื”ื•ืจื™ื ืฉืœื›ื ืื™ื ื ื—ื™ื™ื,
12:07
imagine finding and opening a letter you hadn't seen till that moment.
236
727098
3670
ืชื“ืžื™ื™ื ื• ืฉืืชื ืžื•ืฆืื™ื ื•ืคื•ืชื—ื™ื ืžื›ืชื‘ ืฉืœื ืจืื™ืชื ืขื“ ืœืจื’ืข ื–ื”.
12:11
OK, walk through this with me, here's the call.
237
731602
2294
ืื•ืงื™, ืชื–ืจืžื• ืื™ืชื™ ื‘ื ื•ืฉื ื–ื”, ื›ื›ื” ื”ืฉื™ื—ื” ื ืจืื™ืช.
12:14
"Hey,
238
734981
1376
โ€œื”ื™ื™,
12:16
I know this sounds out of the blue,
239
736399
2002
ืื ื™ ื™ื•ื“ืขืช ืฉื–ื” ื ืฉืžืข ืคืชืื•ืžื™,
12:19
but I've been thinking a lot about your childhood.
240
739193
2795
ืื‘ืœ ื—ืฉื‘ืชื™ ื”ืจื‘ื” ืขืœ ืชืงื•ืคืช ื”ื™ืœื“ื•ืช ืฉืœืš.
12:23
And I think there were a lot of moments that felt really bad to you.
241
743030
5005
ื•ืื ื™ ื—ื•ืฉื‘ ืฉื”ื™ื• ื”ืจื‘ื” ืจื’ืขื™ื ืฉื”ื•ืจื’ืฉื• ืจืขื™ื ืžืื“ ื‘ืฉื‘ื™ืœืš.
12:29
And you are right to feel that way.
242
749412
2335
ื•ืืช ืฆื•ื“ืงืช ื‘ื›ืš ืฉืืช ืžืจื’ื™ืฉื” ื›ื›ื”.
12:33
Those moments weren't your fault.
243
753582
2461
ืจื’ืขื™ื ืืœื” ืœื ื”ื™ื• ื‘ืืฉืžืชืš.
12:36
They were times when I was struggling,
244
756043
1919
ื”ื™ื• ื–ืžื ื™ื ื‘ื”ื ื”ื™ื™ืชื™ ื ืื‘ืงืช.
12:38
and if I could have gone back, I would have stepped aside,
245
758004
2794
ื•ืื ื”ื™ื™ืชื™ ื™ื›ื•ืœื” ืœื—ื–ื•ืจ ืื—ื•ืจื”, ื”ื™ื™ืชื™ ื–ื–ื” ื”ืฆื™ื“ื”,
12:40
I would have calmed myself down,
246
760798
1585
ื”ื™ื™ืชื™ ืžืจื’ื™ืขื” ืืช ืขืฆืžื™,
12:42
and then found you to help you with whatever you were struggling with.
247
762383
3712
ื•ืื– ืžื•ืฆืืช ืื•ืชืš ื‘ืฉื‘ื™ืœ ืœืขื–ื•ืจ ืœืš ืขื ืžืื‘ืง ื›ืœืฉื”ื• ืฉืื™ืชื• ืืช ื ืื‘ืงืช.
12:46
I'm sorry.
248
766512
1126
ืื ื™ ืžืฆื˜ืขืจืช.
12:48
And if you're ever willing to talk to me about any of those moments,
249
768764
3254
ื•ืื ืืช ืžืขื•ื ื™ื™ื ืช ืœื“ื‘ืจ ืื™ืชื™ ืขืœ ืจื’ืขื™ื ืืœื”,
12:52
I'll listen.
250
772059
1168
ืื ื™ ืืงืฉื™ื‘.
12:53
I won't listen to have a rebuttal. I'll listen to understand.
251
773269
3837
ืื ื™ ืœื ืืงืฉื™ื‘ ื‘ืฉื‘ื™ืœ ืœื”ื›ื—ื™ืฉ. ืื ื™ ืืงืฉื™ื‘ ื‘ืฉื‘ื™ืœ ืœื”ื‘ื™ืŸ.
12:57
I love you."
252
777773
1126
ืื ื™ ืื•ื”ื‘ืช ืื•ืชืš,.
12:59
I don't know many adults who don't have a fairly visceral reaction
253
779650
3170
ืื ื™ ืœื ืžื›ื™ืจื” ื”ืจื‘ื” ืžื‘ื•ื’ืจื™ื ืฉืœื ืชื”ื™ื” ืœื”ื ืชื’ื•ื‘ื” ื ื’ื“ื™ืช ืœืžื“ื™
13:02
to that exercise.
254
782862
1460
ืœืื™ืžื•ืŸ ืฉื›ื–ื”.
13:04
I often hear, โ€œWhy am I crying?โ€
255
784322
3128
ืื ื™ ืœืจื•ื‘ ืฉื•ืžืขืช, โ€œืœืžื” ืื ื™ ื‘ื•ื›ื”?โ€
13:08
Or "Listen, that wouldn't change everything.
256
788159
3003
ืื• โ€œืชืฉืžืขื™, ื–ื” ืœื ื™ื™ืฉื ื” ื”ื›ืœ.
13:12
But it might change some things."
257
792580
2127
ืื‘ืœ ื–ื” ืื•ืœื™ ื™ื™ืฉื ื” ื›ืžื” ื“ื‘ืจื™ืโ€œ.
13:15
Well, I definitely do not specialize in math,
258
795499
3504
ื”ืืžืช, ืื ื™ ืœื’ืžืจื™ ืœื ืžืชืžื—ื” ื‘ื—ืฉื‘ื•ืŸ,
13:19
but here's something I know with certainty.
259
799045
2085
ืื‘ืœ ื”ื ื” ืžืฉื”ื• ืฉืื ื™ ื™ื•ื“ืขืช ืœื”ื’ื™ื“ ื‘ื•ื•ื“ืื•ืช.
13:21
If you have a child, that child is younger than you are.
260
801756
4546
ืื ื™ืฉ ืœืš ื™ืœื“, ื”ื™ืœื“ ื”ื–ื” ืฆืขื™ืจ ื™ื•ืชืจ ืžืžืš.
13:26
(Laughter)
261
806761
2127
(ืฆื—ื•ืง ื‘ืงื”ืœ)
13:28
Always true.
262
808888
1168
ืชืžื™ื“ ื ื›ื•ืŸ.
13:31
The story of their life is shorter
263
811891
2252
ืกื™ืคื•ืจ ื”ื—ื™ื™ื ืฉืœื”ื ืงืฆืจ ื™ื•ืชืจ
13:34
and even more amenable to editing.
264
814185
2794
ื•ืืคื™ืœื• ื™ื•ืชืจ ื ื’ื™ืฉ ืœืฉื™ื ื•ื™.
13:38
So if that imagined exercise had an impact on you,
265
818272
4671
ืื– ืื ืœื›ื–ื” ืื™ืžื•ืŸ ื“ืžื™ื•ื ื™ ื”ื™ื™ืชื” ื”ืฉืคืขื” ืขืœื™ืš,
13:42
imagine the impact an actual repair will have on your child.
266
822943
5172
ืชื—ืฉื‘ื™ ืื™ื–ื• ื”ืฉืคืขื” ืชื”ื™ื” ืœืชื™ืงื•ืŸ ืืžื™ืชื™ ืขืœ ื”ื™ืœื“ ืฉืœืš.
13:49
See?
267
829241
1168
ืจื•ืื™ื?
13:50
I told you, it's never too late.
268
830409
2378
ืืžืจืชื™ ืœื›ื, ื–ื” ืืฃ ืคืขื ืœื ืžืื•ื—ืจ.
13:53
Thank you.
269
833788
1126
ืชื•ื“ื” ืจื‘ื”.
13:54
(Cheers and applause)
270
834955
7007
(ืžื—ื™ืื•ืช ื›ืคื™ื™ื ื•ืชืฉื•ืื•ืช)
ืขืœ ืืชืจ ื–ื”

ืืชืจ ื–ื” ื™ืฆื™ื’ ื‘ืคื ื™ื›ื ืกืจื˜ื•ื ื™ YouTube ื”ืžื•ืขื™ืœื™ื ืœืœื™ืžื•ื“ ืื ื’ืœื™ืช. ืชื•ื›ืœื• ืœืจืื•ืช ืฉื™ืขื•ืจื™ ืื ื’ืœื™ืช ื”ืžื•ืขื‘ืจื™ื ืขืœ ื™ื“ื™ ืžื•ืจื™ื ืžื”ืฉื•ืจื” ื”ืจืืฉื•ื ื” ืžืจื—ื‘ื™ ื”ืขื•ืœื. ืœื—ืฅ ืคืขืžื™ื™ื ืขืœ ื”ื›ืชื•ื‘ื™ื•ืช ื‘ืื ื’ืœื™ืช ื”ืžื•ืฆื’ื•ืช ื‘ื›ืœ ื“ืฃ ื•ื™ื“ืื• ื›ื“ื™ ืœื”ืคืขื™ืœ ืืช ื”ืกืจื˜ื•ืŸ ืžืฉื. ื”ื›ืชื•ื‘ื™ื•ืช ื’ื•ืœืœื•ืช ื‘ืกื ื›ืจื•ืŸ ืขื ื”ืคืขืœืช ื”ื•ื•ื™ื“ืื•. ืื ื™ืฉ ืœืš ื”ืขืจื•ืช ืื• ื‘ืงืฉื•ืช, ืื ื ืฆื•ืจ ืื™ืชื ื• ืงืฉืจ ื‘ืืžืฆืขื•ืช ื˜ื•ืคืก ื™ืฆื™ืจืช ืงืฉืจ ื–ื”.

https://forms.gle/WvT1wiN1qDtmnspy7