A strategy for supporting and listening to others | Jeremy Brewer

翻译人员: Zakia Usama 校对人员: Helen Chang

I'm not sure what you might think

我不确定当你想到警察 你会想到什么。

when you think about the job of a police officer.

最近发生的事件激发了很多辩论，

Recent events have sparked lots of debate over the role of law enforcement

有关执法在我们社会中的角色

in our society

and if it should change.

以及是否因该改变。

这是一个重大而且必须要有的对话。

And that's a big, important conversation that we all need have.

But today I'd like to talk about something

但今天，我想讲一件

that's at the core to my day-to-day work --

在我日常工作中非常核心之事——

something not often discussed when talking about police work,

讲到警察的工作的时候 不常被提起的一件事。

and that's dealing with trauma, hurt and loss.

那就是如何处理 创伤、伤害和过世。

告诉一个人，

What's it like to tell someone --

someone that they know,

他认识的、爱着的某个人 突然不在了，

someone that they love died suddenly?

是什么样的感受？

Many of you might think this is done by hospitals or doctors.

很多人可能会以为 这种事由医院或者医生来宣布的。

If you die there, well, it usually is.

如果在医院里死的 一般都是。

If you die outside the hospital,

如果你死在医院之外，

it's more often than not the police who notify that nearest loved one.

很多时候都是 由警察通知那个最近的亲人。

干这种活儿教会了我很重要的一课，

Doing that type of work has taught me powerful lessons

on approaching highly charged situations in all areas of my life.

那就是如何处理生活中 来自各方的、高度紧张的情形。

My passion to connect started about 10 years ago.

我对与人的联结的热爱 开始在十年前。

I responded to a death call that changed me.

一个死亡呼救电话的处理过程 改变了我。

A woman -- let's call her Vicky.

有一个女人—— 我们叫她维琪吧。

Vicky called because her husband had suddenly collapsed

维琪打电话因为她的丈夫 在家里的走廊突然倒下。

in the hallway of their home.

The first responders and I tried everything.

我和紧急救助的人员 试了所有的办法。

We gave it our best effort,

我们竭尽全力，

but he died.

可他还是过逝了。

In complete devastation,

维琪绝望的瘫倒在地上。

Vicky fell to the floor.

Instantly, I could feel us strapping on that emotional armor,

一下子，我感到 我们披上了情感的盔甲，

going right to work on policies and procedures.

开始着手政策和程序。

I began peppering her with questions like detailed medical history

我迅速地开始问她 她丈夫的详细病史、丧葬事宜，

and funeral home arrangements.

一些她当时不可能准备回复的答案。

Questions that she couldn't possibly have been prepared to answer.

In an empathetic gesture,

我同情地，

I reached down and I put my hand on her shoulder.

把手伸过去放在她的肩上。

She flinched and pulled away.

她退缩后闪开了。

Suddenly, her neighbor came running in

她的邻居突然跑进来，

and instantly hugged her.

一下抱住她。

Vicky pushed her away too.

维琪也把她推开了。

The neighbor seemed stunned,

邻居似乎有点吃惊，

a little put off,

有点灰心，

然后走开了。

and she walked back out.

Then, to make matters worse,

更糟糕的是，

the medical examiner's office,

验尸所的人

carrying the body bag holding her husband,

把装着她丈夫的的尸体袋

dropped it down a flight of stairs,

掉在楼梯，滑下好几阶，

crashing into a decorative end table.

撞到了一个装饰性的茶几。

I will never forget the sound of her voice

我绝不会忘记她看着我说

when she looked at me and said,

“我希望我没打这个电话”的声音。

"I wish I never called."

I felt awful.

那时，我感觉糟透了。

Being confronted with death can be difficult for everyone.

应对死亡，对所有的人都是件难事。

Often we rely solely on our instincts to help guide us.

我们常常只依赖我们的本能 来指导我们。

In law enforcement,

在执法部门，

we tend to put up an emotional shield,

我们倾向于搭起一道情感的防护，

a barrier to emotions.

一个感情的屏障。

That way we can focus on policies and procedures

那样我们才能集中在指导我们的

to guide us.

政策和程序上。

This is why we can sometimes come across as robotic.

这是为什么我们有的时候 显得机械冷酷。

I've discovered that in the civilian world,

我发现在平民世界里，

you're often driven by that instinct to fix it,

人们常常被直觉驱动，

usually done with well-intended comments or physical touch.

想通过善意的言语或者身体接触 来解决问题。

Sometimes that may be that right answer.

有时候那样做可能是对的，

Other times, not.

有时却不是。

Had I slowed down and just taken a breath,

如果那时我慢下来、深呼吸，

I would have been better able to connect to the humanity of that moment.

我会更好地感受到 人在那个瞬间的真实需要。

I could have avoided that policy and procedure, check-the-box mentality.

我可能会避免那种 照章办事的思维模式。

Her neighbor, had she slowed down,

如果她的邻居也慢下来、

just taken a breath,

深呼吸，

she may have been able to see that in that moment,

她可能会意识到在哪一个瞬间，

Vicky just wasn't prepared for touch.

维琪还没有准备好跟别人接触。

Our hearts may have been in the right place,

我们的心可能在正确的地方，

but we made it about us instead of focusing on her.

但我们关心的是我们自己 而并不是她。

截然相反，

In complete contrast,

more recently,

最近，我遇到了一个女人——

我们叫她莫妮卡吧。

I met a woman -- let's call her Monica.

I was tasked to tell Monica

我负责通知莫妮卡，

that her husband had tragically taken his own life.

她的丈夫不幸自杀了。

She fell to the floor crying so hard she could barely breathe.

她倒在地上，哭得连呼吸都困难。

The gravity of that moment was so strong,

那一刻非常沉重，

but I knew I needed to resist that urge to move in

但我知道我必须抵制那种

and to comfort her.

想安慰她的冲动。

That sounds crazy, right?

听起来很怪吧？

Honestly, it's excruciating.

说实话，真的很难受。

In your mind and in your heart, you just want to hug this person.

在你的脑子和心里 你就想拥抱这个人。

But I stopped myself.

但我阻止了我自己。

Having been around trauma for over 20 years,

在这二十多年里 我见到了很多受到创伤的人。

I will tell you

我想告诉你，

not everybody is comfortable with human touch.

不是人人都会对身体接触感到自在。

There are people all over the world

这世界上有很多人

suffering from physical or psychological trauma

体会着痛苦的身体或者精神的创伤， 而我们完全不了解。

you may know nothing about.

Who knows what they're thinking or feeling in those moments.

没有人知道在那时候 他们在想什么、感觉什么。

If I move in,

如果我像我曾经对维棋一样，

if I touch her like I did Vicky,

靠近然后接触，

I could unintentionally revictimize her all over again.

我可能无意间让她又一次 体验到自己所受的伤害。

Think: respect space.

我们要告诉自己：尊重空间。

Be guided by respect space.

让“尊重空间”指导你。

It's a simple concept with a huge impact.

这是个简单的概念， 但影响力非常大。

You can't step into that space until you're invited.

你不能踏入那个空间 直到你被邀请。

So I sat across from Monica,

所以我坐在莫妮卡对面，

silent,

沉默着，

eye level,

平视着她，

just feeling that moment.

一起感受着那个时刻。

My heart was pounding so hard I could hear it.

我能听到我的心在剧烈地跳动，

That lump in my throat?

堵住了我的喉咙。

Ugh, I -- I could barely swallow.

哎，我 —— 我一度哽咽。

And you know what?

但你知道吗？

That's OK.

那没有关系。

Emotions and vulnerability can be so hard for some people.

对于一些人， 很难表达 自己的情感和脆弱。

I understand that.

我可以理解。

But in human moments, people want human.

但在充满人情的时刻， 人们最想要的是人情。

They don't want a robotic police officer or to be talking about paperwork.

他们不想要一个冷酷的警察 或者讨论文书工作。

They just want another human to connect to them.

他们只想要另一个人 能与他们同病相怜。

As we sat together,

我们坐在一起的时候，

she asked me one question over and over and over again.

她一直不停地问我一个问题：

"What am I supposed to tell my kids?"

“我怎么跟我的孩子们交代？”

One of the most important parts of respecting space

尊重空间的最重要的一部分是，

is not always having to have an answer.

我们不需要总是有答案。

I could feel she didn't want me to answer that question.

我能感受到 她并不希望我回答那个问题。

She didn't want me to try to fix that unfixable moment.

她不希望我试着去修复那个 根本不能修复的时刻。

She wanted me to connect to the depth of that experience

她想要我感受并且进入 她正在经历的那种体验的的深度。

she was going through.

Yes, I had a job to do.

是，我有我需要做的工作。

And when the time was right,

在时间对的时候，

I asked the questions that needed to be answered,

我跟着她的速度，

but I did it at her pace.

问了所有该问的问题。

Responding to death calls has taught me so much about the human experience

通过应对死亡， 我学会了 很多关于人类的体验，

还有，当别人最需要你的时候， 你该如何陪伴在他们身边。

and the best ways to be there for somebody when they need you the most.

But it doesn't always have to be when dealing with death.

不过，不一定总是要与死亡有关。

There's never a bad time to build a connection.

创建一种与人共情的联接 从来没有不合适的时候。

Hearing a private revelation from a friend,

听从一个朋友的倾诉时，

you could be such a better listener.

你可以成为一个更好的听众。

In an argument with a loved one,

与爱人争吵的时候，

by just stepping back and giving that respect space,

退一步，提供那个尊重空间，

you could better connect to their side of an issue.

你可以更好地连于他们的视角 来看待问题。

You may never be asked to tell a complete stranger

你有可能永远不需要 告诉一个陌生人，

that their loved one died,

他的爱人死了，

but we all have the opportunity

但我们都有机会

to be the best, most connected versions of ourselves,

成为最好、最能与人相连的自己，

especially in times of need.

尤其在困难的时刻。

That respect space that you provide another

你给别人提供的尊重空间

can have a life-changing effect on the people around you.

可以给你周围的人带来 一个改变生命的作用。

Thank you.

谢谢大家。