A strategy for supporting and listening to others | Jeremy Brewer

Reviewer: Thomas Tam

我唔係好肯定

當你諗起警察有咩職責 會諗到啲乜

最近社會上發生咗好多嘢 引起大家激烈討論

I'm not sure what you might think

執法部門喺社會嘅角色 應否作出改變

when you think about the job of a police officer.

呢個係重要嘅話題 需要好好噉諗吓

Recent events have sparked lots of debate over the role of law enforcement

in our society

但我今日想同你傾嘅係 每日核心嘅工作

and if it should change.

And that's a big, important conversation that we all need have.

當大家講起警察有咩職責 都唔會醒起

係需要處理涉及痛苦 創傷同埋死亡嘅情況

But today I'd like to talk about something

that's at the core to my day-to-day work --

如果你要同一個人講

something not often discussed when talking about police work,

話佢知佢身邊嘅人

佢愛嘅人 突然間死咗？

and that's dealing with trauma, hurt and loss.

好多人會認為依件事 係醫院或者醫生嘅責任

What's it like to tell someone --

someone that they know,

如果個人 喺醫院過身嘅話就係

someone that they love died suddenly?

喺以外嘅地方死咗

Many of you might think this is done by hospitals or doctors.

通常由警察通知死者 附近最親嘅人

If you die there, well, it usually is.

依種任務 畀我深刻嘅教訓

If you die outside the hospital,

it's more often than not the police who notify that nearest loved one.

教識我點去處理人生中 各式各樣有高度壓力嘅情況

Doing that type of work has taught me powerful lessons

十年前，我曾經係滿腔熱誠

on approaching highly charged situations in all areas of my life.

喺當時一件緊急救援任務 徹底改變咗我

有個女人 就叫佢 Vicky

My passion to connect started about 10 years ago.

佢報警，由於係 佢老公突然間

I responded to a death call that changed me.

喺屋企走廊度冧低

我同救護人員 用盡所有辦法

A woman -- let's call her Vicky.

盡哂力想救返佢老公

Vicky called because her husband had suddenly collapsed

但係最後都死咗

in the hallway of their home.

Vicky 極度絕望 跌低喺地下

The first responders and I tried everything.

We gave it our best effort,

嗰刻，感受到大家都架起保護罩 掩蓋起自已嘅感情

but he died.

In complete devastation,

我直接進入正常工作程序

Vicky fell to the floor.

係噉向佢提出問題 譬如佢老公詳細嘅醫療歷史

Instantly, I could feel us strapping on that emotional armor,

對殯儀館嘅安排

going right to work on policies and procedures.

根本佢係無可能 喺此時此刻回答到我嘅問題

I began peppering her with questions like detailed medical history

and funeral home arrangements.

基於同情，我踎低 用隻手搭住佢膊頭

Questions that she couldn't possibly have been prepared to answer.

佢縮開、拉開咗 我哋之間嘅距離

突然間佢嘅鄰居 衝咗入嚟

In an empathetic gesture,

I reached down and I put my hand on her shoulder.

即刻攬住佢

She flinched and pulled away.

Vicky 一樣推開佢

鄰居似乎呆咗

Suddenly, her neighbor came running in

有啲遲疑

and instantly hugged her.

就走返出去

然之後，更加慘嘅係

Vicky pushed her away too.

The neighbor seemed stunned,

嗰陣時、法醫辦公室人員 正係搬緊、裝住佢老公嘅屍袋

a little put off,

and she walked back out.

好唔小心 個屍袋跌咗落樓梯

Then, to make matters worse,

the medical examiner's office,

撞咗落去個茶几度

carrying the body bag holding her husband,

我永遠唔會忘記 佢當時嘅聲音

dropped it down a flight of stairs,

佢望住我 同我講咗句

crashing into a decorative end table.

「我情願無報過警。」

I will never forget the sound of her voice

我頓時唔知點好

when she looked at me and said,

每個人面對親人死亡 內心都感覺困苦

"I wish I never called."

人喺依種時候 會憑直覺作出反應

I felt awful.

喺執法呢個行業

Being confronted with death can be difficult for everyone.

我哋會喺內心 架起保護罩

避開個人嘅感情

Often we rely solely on our instincts to help guide us.

噉做我哋先至可以 依法行事

In law enforcement,

we tend to put up an emotional shield,

依個就係點解 我哋有時似冷冰冰嘅機械人

a barrier to emotions.

That way we can focus on policies and procedures

我發覺好多普通市民

to guide us.

靠直覺本能嚟解決問題

This is why we can sometimes come across as robotic.

通常透過善意嘅言語 或者身體接觸

I've discovered that in the civilian world,

有陣時噉嘅方式 可能係正確嘅

you're often driven by that instinct to fix it,

但唔係一定啱

usually done with well-intended comments or physical touch.

如果我嗰刻冷靜落嚟 唞啖氣諗諗先

Sometimes that may be that right answer.

會更加人性化噉 去對待 Vicky

Other times, not.

無需問咁多形式上嘅問題 自己攪點就得

Had I slowed down and just taken a breath,

I would have been better able to connect to the humanity of that moment.

佢個鄰居 如果可以停低諗吓

I could have avoided that policy and procedure, check-the-box mentality.

或者嗰刻 佢就會諗到

Vicky 仲未準備好 接納外人嘅肢體接觸

Her neighbor, had she slowed down,

just taken a breath,

即使我哋係出於好心

she may have been able to see that in that moment,

但冇諗過 Vicky 嘅感受 淨係諗住自已點樣做先好

Vicky just wasn't prepared for touch.

近排我遇到個女人 姑且叫佢 Monica ，情況就唔同晒

Our hearts may have been in the right place,

but we made it about us instead of focusing on her.

我嘅任務係 要話畀 Monica 知

佢老公嘅悲劇 係自我結束咗生命

In complete contrast,

more recently,

I met a woman -- let's call her Monica.

佢跌低喺地下 喊到幾乎抖唔到氣

I was tasked to tell Monica

嗰刻氣氛沉重

that her husband had tragically taken his own life.

但我知道唔可以立刻去安慰佢 只可安靜噉等待

She fell to the floor crying so hard she could barely breathe.

The gravity of that moment was so strong,

聽落係咪有啲奇怪？

講真句係好辛苦

but I knew I needed to resist that urge to move in

我心入面真係好想 攬住 Monica 安慰佢

and to comfort her.

但係我制止住自己

That sounds crazy, right?

喺廿幾年嚟面對 好多受創傷嘅人

Honestly, it's excruciating.

In your mind and in your heart, you just want to hug this person.

我可以同你講

唔係每個人 都會接納其他人掂佢

But I stopped myself.

依個世界有好多人 正係承受緊

Having been around trauma for over 20 years,

喺身體或心理上 創傷嘅折磨

I will tell you

你可能唔明白佢哋

not everybody is comfortable with human touch.

又有邊個了解佢地 喺當時嘅感受同諗緊啲咩呢？

There are people all over the world

suffering from physical or psychological trauma

如果我有所行動

好似掂 Vicky 噉掂佢

you may know nothing about.

唔覺意我就可能令佢 再重新經歷多一次創傷

Who knows what they're thinking or feeling in those moments.

If I move in,

if I touch her like I did Vicky,

認真諗諗 尊重吓個人嘅空間

依呢個原則出發

I could unintentionally revictimize her all over again.

係好簡單嘅理念 但影響重大

除非你得到同意 否則唔可以走入人哋嘅個人空間

Think: respect space.

Be guided by respect space.

It's a simple concept with a huge impact.

所以我坐低 喺 Monica 對面

You can't step into that space until you're invited.

好安靜噉陪住佢

保持同一視線水平

感受吓嗰刻嘅情景

自己都聽到 心跳得好厲害

So I sat across from Monica,

silent,

好似喉嚨有嘢卡住 不吐不快

eye level,

just feeling that moment.

但你知唔知道？

My heart was pounding so hard I could hear it.

係人之常情

That lump in my throat?

有啲人好難處理 情緒同易受傷害嘅感受

Ugh, I -- I could barely swallow.

And you know what?

我明白依點

That's OK.

依個時刻 須要人性化去處理

Emotions and vulnerability can be so hard for some people.

佢哋唔想面對啲冷冰冰 淨係顧住填文件嘅警察

I understand that.

佢哋只係想 同個有人性嘅人接觸

But in human moments, people want human.

They don't want a robotic police officer or to be talking about paperwork.

當我哋坐埋一齊嗰陣

Monica 一直重複向我問

They just want another human to connect to them.

「點同我嘅仔囡講？」

As we sat together,

專重佢個人嘅空間係最緊要 唔係只回答佢嘅問題

she asked me one question over and over and over again.

"What am I supposed to tell my kids?"

我感受到 佢唔係想我答佢

One of the most important parts of respecting space

唔係想我幫佢處理 當時唔能夠解決嘅問題

is not always having to have an answer.

佢係想我明白佢 默默噉喺精神上支持佢

I could feel she didn't want me to answer that question.

無錯，我係 有職責要去做

She didn't want me to try to fix that unfixable moment.

但要等啱時間

She wanted me to connect to the depth of that experience

我先至去問佢需要答嘅問題

係急唔嚟 要等適合佢嘅時間

she was going through.

Yes, I had a job to do.

執行有人在家死亡任務 教識我好多關於處理人性嘅問題

And when the time was right,

I asked the questions that needed to be answered,

同埋最好點樣去安慰 同支持有需要嘅人

but I did it at her pace.

Responding to death calls has taught me so much about the human experience

噉樣做唔係等到有人 要面對死亡然後先出現

幾時我哋都可以 建立內心嘅交流

and the best ways to be there for somebody when they need you the most.

當朋友同你傾心事

But it doesn't always have to be when dealing with death.

你可以好好噉 耐心聽佢講

There's never a bad time to build a connection.

當同所愛嘅人鬧交

退後一步諗 尊重吓佢個人嘅空間

Hearing a private revelation from a friend,

就更易理解佢嘅心情

you could be such a better listener.

In an argument with a loved one,

你哋可能唔需要面對陌生人

by just stepping back and giving that respect space,

you could better connect to their side of an issue.

但我哋所有人喺人生中 都有機會展現最有人性嘅一面

You may never be asked to tell a complete stranger

特別係當有人 需要我哋嘅時候

that their loved one died,

but we all have the opportunity

要能夠尊重 其他人嘅個人空間

to be the best, most connected versions of ourselves,

especially in times of need.

多謝大家﹗

That respect space that you provide another

can have a life-changing effect on the people around you.

Thank you.