A strategy for supporting and listening to others | Jeremy Brewer

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Helen Chang

I'm not sure what you might think

我不知道你對於 警察工作有什麼看法。

when you think about the job of a police officer.

近期的事件造成了許多辯論，

Recent events have sparked lots of debate over the role of law enforcement

討論執法人員在我們社會中的角色，

in our society

and if it should change.

以及是否該改變。

那是大家都應該要參與的重大討論。

And that's a big, important conversation that we all need have.

But today I'd like to talk about something

但今天

我想要談的主題是我 日常工作的核心——

that's at the core to my day-to-day work --

something not often discussed when talking about police work,

在談警方工作時通常不會談到它，

那就是：處理創傷、傷痛，和失去。

and that's dealing with trauma, hurt and loss.

這是怎樣的感覺：要去告訴某人——

What's it like to tell someone --

someone that they know,

他們認識的人，他們愛的人，

someone that they love died suddenly?

突然間過世了？

Many of you might think this is done by hospitals or doctors.

許多人可能認為是醫院 或醫生在做這件事。

如果人是在那裡過世，通常是沒錯。

If you die there, well, it usually is.

If you die outside the hospital,

若是在醫院外的地方過世，

it's more often than not the police who notify that nearest loved one.

大多數的時候，警方 會通知最近的至親。

我從這種工作中學到很強大的一課，

Doing that type of work has taught me powerful lessons

on approaching highly charged situations in all areas of my life.

讓我能處理人生中 各面向的高度緊張狀況。

My passion to connect started about 10 years ago.

我對於連結的熱情始於大約十年前。

I responded to a death call that changed me.

我去處理一個死亡通報， 那件事改變了我。

A woman -- let's call her Vicky.

一名女子——咱們稱她為維琦。

Vicky called because her husband had suddenly collapsed

維琦打電話求救，因為她先生 突然在家中的走廊倒下。

in the hallway of their home.

The first responders and I tried everything.

急救人員和我

嘗試了所有的方法， 我們盡力而為了，

We gave it our best effort,

but he died.

但他仍然過世了。

In complete devastation,

維琦整個人崩潰，跌在地上。

Vicky fell to the floor.

Instantly, I could feel us strapping on that emotional armor,

馬上，

我就感覺到我們緊緊穿上情緒盔甲，

going right to work on policies and procedures.

立刻上工，進行該做的程序。

I began peppering her with questions like detailed medical history

我開始丟一大堆問題給她，比如

詳細的醫療史，以及殯儀館的安排。

and funeral home arrangements.

Questions that she couldn't possibly have been prepared to answer.

她不可能準備好回答這些問題的。

In an empathetic gesture,

為了表示同理心，

I reached down and I put my hand on her shoulder.

我彎下身把手放在她的肩上。

She flinched and pulled away.

她縮了一下，馬上躲開。

Suddenly, her neighbor came running in

突然間，她的鄰居跑來，

and instantly hugged her.

馬上抱住她。

Vicky pushed her away too.

維琦也把她推開了。

The neighbor seemed stunned,

這位鄰居似乎呆住了，

a little put off,

有點被潑了冷水，

接著便走了出去。

and she walked back out.

Then, to make matters worse,

接著，更糟的是，

the medical examiner's office,

驗屍室的人

carrying the body bag holding her husband,

帶著裝有她先生屍袋，

dropped it down a flight of stairs,

不小心沒抓好，

屍袋摔落一段樓梯，

crashing into a decorative end table.

撞上了一個裝飾茶几，

I will never forget the sound of her voice

我永遠忘不了她的聲音，

when she looked at me and said,

她看著我，說：

"I wish I never called."

「我真後悔打了這通電話。」

I felt awful.

我感覺糟透了。

Being confronted with death can be difficult for everyone.

每個人都很難面對死亡。

Often we rely solely on our instincts to help guide us.

通常，我們只仰賴 我們的直覺來引導我們。

In law enforcement,

在執法單位裡，

we tend to put up an emotional shield,

我們通常會拿起情緒盾牌，

a barrier to emotions.

擋下情緒的屏障。

That way we can focus on policies and procedures

那樣我們才能專注， 讓政策和程序來引導我們。

to guide us.

This is why we can sometimes come across as robotic.

這就是為什麼有時我們 會被認為很機械化。

I've discovered that in the civilian world,

我發現，在平民百姓的世界裡，

you're often driven by that instinct to fix it,

大家的直覺是要去修補問題，

通常的做法是提供出自好意的建議

usually done with well-intended comments or physical touch.

或身體觸碰。

Sometimes that may be that right answer.

有時，這是正確答案。

Other times, not.

有時卻不是。

Had I slowed down and just taken a breath,

如果我當時能緩一下，吸口氣，

I would have been better able to connect to the humanity of that moment.

我會更能和當下的人性連結。

我可以避開那種政策和程序、 勾選完成事項的心態。

I could have avoided that policy and procedure, check-the-box mentality.

Her neighbor, had she slowed down,

她的鄰居，如果她緩一下，

just taken a breath,

吸口氣，

she may have been able to see that in that moment,

也許她能發現，在那一刻，

Vicky just wasn't prepared for touch.

維琦還沒準備要被觸碰。

Our hearts may have been in the right place,

我們的心意可能是好的，

but we made it about us instead of focusing on her.

但我們想的是自己，

沒把焦點放在她身上。

更近期有個相反的例子，

In complete contrast,

more recently,

我遇到了一名女子—— 咱們稱她為莫妮卡。

I met a woman -- let's call her Monica.

I was tasked to tell Monica

我的工作是要去告訴莫妮卡，

that her husband had tragically taken his own life.

她的先生不幸自殺了。

She fell to the floor crying so hard she could barely breathe.

她跌坐在地上，哭到無法呼吸。

The gravity of that moment was so strong,

那一刻的氣氛好沉重，

but I knew I needed to resist that urge to move in

但我知道我得要抗拒 想要上前去安慰她的衝動。

and to comfort her.

That sounds crazy, right?

聽起來很瘋狂對吧？ 老實說，那很難受。

Honestly, it's excruciating.

In your mind and in your heart, you just want to hug this person.

你的心和你的大腦 都告訴你要去擁抱這個人。

But I stopped myself.

但我阻止了我自己。

Having been around trauma for over 20 years,

二十多年來我見識到數不盡的創傷，

I will tell you

我可以告訴各位，

not everybody is comfortable with human touch.

不是每個人都對 別人的觸碰感到自在。

There are people all over the world

全世界到處都有人承受著

suffering from physical or psychological trauma

你可能完全不知道的身心創傷。

you may know nothing about.

Who knows what they're thinking or feeling in those moments.

誰知道在那些時刻他們 會有什麼想法或感受。

If I move in,

如果我上前去，

if I touch her like I did Vicky,

如果我像碰觸維琦那樣碰觸她，

I could unintentionally revictimize her all over again.

我可能會無意間讓她再次受到傷害。

Think: respect space.

思考一下：尊重空間。

Be guided by respect space.

讓尊重空間來引導。

It's a simple concept with a huge impact.

它是個很簡單的觀念，影響卻很大。

You can't step into that space until you're invited.

你不能進入那個空間，

除非你有受到邀請。

So I sat across from Monica,

所以我坐在莫妮卡的對面，

silent,

保持沉默，

eye level,

視線水平，

just feeling that moment.

就只是去感受那個時刻。

我的心跳聲大到我都可以聽見。

My heart was pounding so hard I could hear it.

That lump in my throat?

我的喉嚨幾乎是哽住了。

Ugh, I -- I could barely swallow.

And you know what?

你知道嗎？

That's OK.

那沒關係。

Emotions and vulnerability can be so hard for some people.

有些人很不會處理情緒和脆弱。

I understand that.

我了解這一點。

But in human moments, people want human.

但在人類的時刻，需要的是人類。

They don't want a robotic police officer or to be talking about paperwork.

他們不需要機械化的警察 或談論文書作業。

They just want another human to connect to them.

他們只需要和另一個人類連結。

As we sat together,

當我們坐在一起時，

she asked me one question over and over and over again.

她一而再再而三地問我同一個問題。

"What am I supposed to tell my kids?"

「我該怎麼告訴我的孩子？」

One of the most important parts of respecting space

尊重空間最重要的其中一點

is not always having to have an answer.

就是不見得一定要給答案。

I could feel she didn't want me to answer that question.

我可以感覺到她並不希望 我回答那個問題。

她並不希望我去修補 那個無法修補的時刻。

She didn't want me to try to fix that unfixable moment.

She wanted me to connect to the depth of that experience

她希望我能連結到 她此刻體驗的深處。

she was going through.

是的，我有工作要做。

Yes, I had a job to do.

And when the time was right,

等時機對了，

I asked the questions that needed to be answered,

我問了需要問的問題。

but I did it at her pace.

但我是依循她的步調來做。

Responding to death calls has taught me so much about the human experience

處理死亡通報電話讓我學到 好多關於人類經歷的事，

以及在別人最需要你時 要用什麼方式去協助最好。

and the best ways to be there for somebody when they need you the most.

But it doesn't always have to be when dealing with death.

但不見得只能用在處理死亡上。

There's never a bad time to build a connection.

隨時都是建立連結的好時機。

Hearing a private revelation from a friend,

傾聽朋友訴說私人的秘密，

you could be such a better listener.

你可以扮演更好的聽眾。

In an argument with a loved one,

和親人吵架時，

by just stepping back and giving that respect space,

只要退一步，給對方尊重空間，

you could better connect to their side of an issue.

你就更能連結到 他們在議題上的立場。

You may never be asked to tell a complete stranger

你可能永遠不會被要求 去告訴一個陌生人

that their loved one died,

他們的至親過世了，

but we all have the opportunity

但我們都有機會

to be the best, most connected versions of ourselves,

展現出我們最好、最能連結的一面，

especially in times of need.

特別是在急需協助的時刻。

That respect space that you provide another

你提供給別人的尊重空間

can have a life-changing effect on the people around you.

可能可以改變你身邊的人的人生。

Thank you.

謝謝。