What I've learned about parenting as a stay-at-home dad | Glen Henry

70,686 views ・ 2018-05-17

TED


Please double-click on the English subtitles below to play the video.

00:13
Alright, I want to tell you how I got my superpowers through fatherhood.
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I was working a job I hated, OK?
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And I don't know if anyone here ever worked a job they hated.
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Has anyone here ever worked a job they hated?
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(Laughter)
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OK, good, because I'm not alone
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and I have something to confess; I don't want you guys to judge me.
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This feels like a safe space, is it a safe space?
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Audience: Yes.
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Glen Henry: OK, I was working the job I hated,
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my manager and I were not getting along.
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I was sitting in my car, looking in the rearview mirror,
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trying to figure out which friend I could call
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to call in a bomb threat,
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so I didn't have to go back in the building.
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(Laughter)
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OK, this was having a lot of issues for me,
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I was having a lot of issues at my job
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and I'd come home every day from work
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and my wife would ask me the same question.
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And when you hate your job,
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this is the worst question anyone could ask you.
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She'd say, "Hey babe, how was your day?"
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(Laughter)
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And I'd say,
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"Why you bringing up old stuff?"
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(Laughter)
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I just left it, I don't want to think about that place again.
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See, we were spending about 40 percent of my income on childcare.
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We had one child.
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And we were pregnant with our second child.
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And we were trying to figure out how we were going to fix this whole thing
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of this money situation, and she said,
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"Hey, babe, I've got a great idea."
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I said, "What's up?"
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She said, "I think you'd be a great stay-at-home dad."
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(Laughter)
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I was like, "Why would you say something like that?"
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(Laughter)
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She said, "Because babies like you."
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(Laughter)
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I was like, "No, they don't."
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She was like, "No, they do like you.
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And I think it would be great
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for our children to see what love looks like, coming from a father."
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I was like, OK.
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(Laughter)
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So, I had issues with this,
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because I haven't seen a lot of stay-at-home dads before
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and I thought men would judge me, so get this, I said this --
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please don't be offended -- I said,
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"Uh, you know, that sounds boring.
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And what do stay-at-home moms do all day, anyway?"
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Audience: Ooh!
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She smiled at me a smile only a woman full of knowledge can smile
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(Laughter)
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and said, "Well, this should be easy for you.
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And it will save us some money, it seems like a no-brainer."
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(Laughter)
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Fast-forward six months,
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I'd been a stay-at-home dad for about a week.
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(Laughter)
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I was standing in my bathroom, looking into the mirror
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(Laughter)
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crying, tears --
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(Laughter)
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running all down my face.
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(Laughter)
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My one-and-a-half-year-old was banging on the bathroom door --
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because I locked them out, you know --
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(Laughter)
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crying, tears running down his face.
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And my newborn was in the bassinet, crying, tears running down his face.
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I looked at myself in the mirror, and I said ...
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"Which friend can you call to call in a bomb threat?
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We've got to get out of here."
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(Laughter)
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See, I had traded my manager for my children.
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I didn't know what I got myself into.
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I thought I knew everything about being a stay-at-home parent,
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and in fact, I knew nothing at all.
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Because even though my manager was --
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well, at least my children were a lot cuter than my manager,
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they were just as demanding.
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(Video) Child: Wipe my butt.
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Papa, wipe my butt.
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(Laughter)
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Wipe my butt.
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(Laughter)
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GH: What had I gotten myself into?
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I thought I knew everything about being a stay-at-home parent --
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in fact, I knew nothing.
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I thought that all I had to do was feed them,
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change their diapers, and they'd be fine.
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Like, I really thought that's it.
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"Sesame Street" on TV, keep them distracted,
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apple sauce in a bowl, milk in a bottle, they'd be fine.
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But if you leave children alone,
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they'll get into just a little bit of mischief.
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(Video) Child: Hi.
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GH: Where is the powder?
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Child: I don't know.
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GH: Well, where did you put it, where did it --
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Who did it?
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Child 1: No, you did it! Child 2: No, you did it!
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Child 1: No, you did it! Child 2: No, you did it!
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(Laughter)
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GH: You know what else I thought I knew about being a stay-at-home parent?
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I thought that all I had to do was take them to the park once a week,
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because if I took them to the park once a week, they'd be fine.
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In fact, I knew nothing at all.
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OK.
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If you take kids to park every day then that means they get dirty every day.
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If they got dirty every day, they need baths every day,
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if they got baths every day --
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I just don't think you understand, see, having two kids under two,
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you end up changing over 20 dirty diapers a day, OK.
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And if you give them a bath, that's just more nakedness.
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(Laughter)
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And a higher probability of getting peed on,
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and no one likes getting peed on, even if it's from a baby.
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(Laughter)
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But I read this article by Father Lee
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which cites a survey done by two detergent companies, Omo and Persil.
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And they did this study and it said, that at two hours a day,
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prisoners get more outside time than children.
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That convicted me and so we went outside.
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(Video) (Music)
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(Laughter)
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GH: See, I knew nothing about being a stay-at-home parent,
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and once I embraced the fact that I knew nothing,
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I began to learn from my new managers.
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And I always was told
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that as a stay-at-home parent, you get no sleep.
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Or as a parent in general, you get no sleep.
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But that's not true, because if you sleep when they do,
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you actually can get some sleep.
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(Laughter)
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You know what else I thought as a stay-at-home parent?
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I though I knew that the best way to teach kids right from wrong
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was to discipline them,
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because that would make sure they understood right from wrong,
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the pain, the fear -- that would teach them.
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But the truth is, the best way to teach my children right from wrong
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is to teach them.
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Take out a whiteboard and draw pictures and make connections
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that they can understand.
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That was the best way.
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A lot of these images you're seeing are coming from my YouTube channel,
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"Beleaf in Fatherhood."
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I document the misadventures of being a stay-at-home dad.
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And it's not perfect, it's just showing that I'm trying.
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And I'm not trying to be an example
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but just proof that it's possible for whoever else is doing this.
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You know what I also knew about being a stay-at-home parent?
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I knew that children needed love,
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but I just didn't know what love looked like.
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(Video) (Music)
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GH: It turns out putting diapers on your head
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and play-fighting until the kids fall asleep
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is a great way to love your kids.
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So, I was learning a lot,
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but it's not all fun and boogers, is it?
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(Laughter)
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I asked a group of stay-at-home parents what's the hardest thing,
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the thing they underestimated most about being stay-at-home parents,
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and they said that the loneliness was one of those things.
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Not having someone else to talk to, feeling inadequate,
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feeling selfish for wanting me-time.
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And nursery rhymes suck.
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(Laughter)
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Like, really, "Mary Had a Little Lamb" is cool the first couple of times,
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but after all these years on repeat,
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you wonder why Mary just ain't make herself a wool skirt
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and have lamb chops, you know what I'm saying?
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(Laughter)
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The one thing I underestimated most was the emotional fatigue.
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See, I was an artist, so I'd write songs for other artists.
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Because that's how I made money from home.
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But when you're with your kids all day, you become emotionally tired.
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And that means all your creativity comes from your emotions,
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so you’re just tapped out, you're done.
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So you become done with time.
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Nap time, time-tables, time-out, time like to cook,
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with all types of time, you're just done.
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You had no time for anything.
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And some people are done with their spouse as a stay-at-home parent.
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Because the spouse just doesn't get it.
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I was talking to a friend of mine, he said,
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"Man, I come home from work,
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drawers are open, clothes hanging outside the drawers,
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the kids are still in their pajamas ...
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And it can't be that hard to have dinner ready when I get home, right?"
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(Laughter)
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Start to freak out, you know what I'm saying?
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(Laughter)
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He was trying to confide in me --
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(Laughter)
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I said, "You have no idea what you're talking about."
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(Laughter)
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She wakes up every morning, tired from the night before,
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baby attached to her breast, dropping this kid off at school,
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and taking this one to the park.
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Laundry piles up to the skies,
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he has a conversation on the phone for an hour with your mom
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about God knows what,
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takes the dog you wanted for a walk ...
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(Laughter)
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And nobody died, bro.
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She kept your kids alive all day, that's hard."
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(Laughter)
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I have become an advocate for stay-at-home parents.
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Why?
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Because finally, I was standing in their shoes.
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Because when you're standing in someone else's shoes,
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you see the world from a different perspective.
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And when you start to take steps, it feels like baby steps, wobbling.
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But then they turn into stomps.
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And you start making footprints for the next generation to walk in.
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See, we're walking on a certain path, as parents.
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We're all in this together.
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No one can deny that family is one of the biggest foundations
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in anyone's life.
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And we're all walking on this path,
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and we're pulling these thickets out of the way, and these thorns,
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making it easier for the ones coming after us.
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It turns out, parenting has a lot more to do with landscaping.
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And learning.
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More than teaching.
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And the best thing to do is to show up for class.
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Be present is what I learned as a stay-at-home dad.
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And let your presence be a gift.
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(Video) Shh.
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(Door unlocking)
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Hi!
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(Children giggling)
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(Laughter)
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GH: This was me, coming home from tour one day.
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I thought that the father was supposed to pursue the child.
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But it turns out the father makes himself present.
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And the children run after him.
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And that right there is a superpower.
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And that right there, my friends, is everything.
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Thank you.
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(Applause)
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