Tracee Ellis Ross: A woman's fury holds lifetimes of wisdom | TED

216,461 views ・ 2018-05-16

TED


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00:13
So, I have a friend.
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She's an actress, she's in her 60s.
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She's super bright,
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badass,
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emotionally intelligent.
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And a couple of days before Christmas, she was at the post office.
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It was really crowded, as it is around the holidays,
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and she was filling out some forms
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and she was really focused.
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And out of nowhere, someone moved her out of the way --
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just physically put their hands on her and moved her out of the way.
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He apparently needed something that she was blocking,
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so he moved her.
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Maybe he had said something to her, maybe he didn't, she didn't hear it ...
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Either way, she was focused, she was filling out the form.
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And the next thing you know, there were hands on her,
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and she was being moved out of the way.
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He then got what he was reaching for,
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whatever she was blocking,
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and went on his merry way.
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She said that she was shocked at first --
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yeah.
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And then a fury rose up in her that she could not explain:
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not annoyance,
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not frustration,
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but "fury" was the word that she used.
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And she went on to say,
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"I mean, I wanted to get physical.
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I don't know -- I was furious.
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And I don't know why.
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I mean, he didn't hit me.
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He didn't hurt me,
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he didn't violate me.
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He moved me,
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and I wanted to hurt him,
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or at the very least,
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run after him and yell in his face."
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So later, I was left pondering this fury,
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and looking for an explanation as to why, even in her telling of it,
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I felt fury, too,
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and why this was a word and a feeling that I was hearing a lot about lately.
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I feel like this is the point in the room
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where all the men are getting a little bit uncomfortable.
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(Laughter)
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It's OK.
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Stay with me.
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This fury is something that I have been chomping on
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since the last US presidential election.
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And it seems that many women have.
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This fury was not my friend's alone.
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Her fury was ignited
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by lifetimes of men helping themselves to women's bodies
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without consent.
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There's a culture of men helping themselves to women,
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and in this case,
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in a seemingly innocuous way,
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where a woman's body is like a saltshaker:
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"Get out of the way so I can get to the fries" --
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(Laughter)
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to the most egregious,
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violent
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and horrific situations.
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I imagine that some of you are wondering what the connection is
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between the innocuous and the horrific,
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two things that seem to be on opposite ends of the spectrum.
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Well, the common thread is the spectrum.
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The innocuous makes space for the horrific.
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And women have to live with the effects of both
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and everything in between.
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Fellas,
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can you imagine you're just on your phone,
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and someone walks up to you and just takes it out of your hand?
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And they're like, "OK dude, I don't know why you're getting so upset,
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I want to make a phone call.
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I'm going to give it back to you as soon as I'm done.
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Whatever."
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And then imagine if someone takes that cell phone out of your hands --
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I don't know -- once a day,
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twice a day,
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random times.
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And the explanation is,
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"Yeah, well, I mean, you got a fancy case,"
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or "You shouldn't have taken it out of your pocket,"
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or "Yep. Yeah.
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That's just the way it is."
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But somehow, no one ever talks about the person who took the cell phone.
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Overly simplified, I get it,
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but you see where I'm going.
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Men are so used to helping themselves, that it's like ...
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they can't help themselves.
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And not because men are fundamentally less moral,
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but because this is a very big blind spot for most men.
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When someone helps themselves to a woman,
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it not only triggers discomfort and distress,
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but the unspoken experiences of our mothers' lives,
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sisters' lives
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and generations of women before us.
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That's lifetimes of women dealing with men
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who assume they know better for us than we know for ourselves,
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being the property of husbands,
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landowners,
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and having old, white men tell us the fate of our lady parts;
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lifetimes of having our bodies used for love and objects of desire,
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instead of bodies that we get to wield and use as we choose;
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lifetimes of knowing that whether we play by their rules or not,
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we still have to tolerate harassment,
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assault
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and even worse;
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lifetimes of our bodies being used as property that can be hit and hurt,
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manipulated and moved
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and like objects that are not deserving of respect;
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lifetimes of not being able to express the anger of our bodies.
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It's no wonder we feel this fury.
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And if you add in the history of race --
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which is a whole other talk --
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it gets exponentially more complicated.
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When women get manhandled, we start to rationalize,
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try to figure out the ways that it was --
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"It was probably our fault.
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You know what? He probably said something, and I didn't hear him.
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I'm just overreacting.
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I'm totally overreacting."
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No.
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No.
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No.
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No, no, no, no, no.
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Women have been trained to think that we are overreacting
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or that we're being too sensitive or unreasonable.
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We try to make sense of nonsense,
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and we swallow the furious feelings.
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We try to put them into some hidden place in our minds,
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but they don't go away.
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That fury sits deep inside as we practice our smiles --
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(Giggling) "Yes, of course" --
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and try to be pleasant.
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"I know --" (Giggling) "Yes, yes, of course,"
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because apparently, women aren't supposed to get angry.
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That fury that my friend felt holds centuries
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of never being able to directly address or express our indignation,
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our frustration
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and our rage.
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When someone thinks they can help themselves to our bodies,
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it not only ignites the current fury,
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but it lights up the past.
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What seems like a benign moment at the post office
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is actually an anger grenade.
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Well,
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kaboom!
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Today, the global collection of women's experiences
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can no longer be ignored.
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Time's up on thinking that we're overreacting
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or "This is just the way it is."
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Time's up on women being held responsible
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for men's bad behavior.
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It is men's responsibility to change men's bad behavior.
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(Applause)
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Our culture is shifting,
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and it's time.
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So my fellow women
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and our gentle men,
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as we are here together within this particular window
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of this large-scale movement towards women's equality,
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and as we envision a future that does not yet exist,
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we both have different invitations.
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Men,
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I call you in as allies,
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as we work together towards change.
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May you be accountable and self-reflective,
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compassionate and open.
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May you ask how you can support a woman and be of service to change.
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And may you get help if you need it.
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And women,
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I encourage you
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to acknowledge your fury.
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Give it language.
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Share it in safe places of identification
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and in safe ways.
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Your fury is not something to be afraid of.
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It holds lifetimes of wisdom.
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Let it breathe
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and listen.
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Thank you.
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(Applause)
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Thank you.
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(Applause)
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