"The Nutritionist" by Andrea Gibson

Hi I'm Andrea Gibson and this is my poem "The Nutritionist."

翻译人员: Bruce Sung 校对人员: Helen Chang

嗨，我是安德烈·吉布森， 这是我的诗作《营养师》。

The nutritionist said I should eat root vegetables

营养师建议我多吃根菜，

Said if I could get down 13 turnips a day

且告诉我，如果一天吃十三棵大头菜，

I would be grounded,

我便会像种子一样深埋土壤，

rooted.

Said my head would not keep flying away to where the darkness lives.

根系茁壮。

我的思绪就不会飞向滋生黑暗的地方。

The psychic told me my heart carries too much weight

通灵者说，有太多的重担压在我的心上，

Said for 20 dollars she’d tell me what to do

只需我付 20 美元，她便会替我指明方向。

I handed her the twenty, she said

20 美元换来的答案则是：

“stop worrying darling, you will find a good man soon.”

“放下忧虑亲爱的，你定会觅得如意君郎。”

The first psychotherapist said I should spend 3 hours a day sitting in a dark closet

第一位心理治疗师建议我， 每天在漆黑的衣柜里，静坐三小时，

with my eyes closed and my ears plugged.

闭上双睛，堵住耳朵。

I tried it once but couldn’t stop thinking

我尝试过一次，但总觉得

about how gay it was to be sitting in the closet.

坐在衣柜里有一种同性恋的感觉（出柜）。

The yogi told me to stretch everything but truth,

瑜伽师教我拉伸运动，却闭口不谈真相，

said focus on the outbreaths,

让我将意念集中在呼气，

said everyone finds happiness

还说人人都能找到幸福真谛，

if they can care more about what they can give than what they get.

只要人人都心怀奉献，而不是索取。

The pharmacist said klonopin, lamictil, lithium, Xanax.

药剂师让我服用安眠药、镇静剂和抗抑郁药。

The doctor said an antipsychotic might help me forget what the trauma said

医生说，抗精神病的药能帮你忘记心理创伤。

The trauma said don’t write this poem.

不要写这首诗，我的创伤对我说到。

Nobody wants to hear you cry about the grief inside your bones

你灵魂深处的哀痛，没有人想知道。

But my bones said

我内心的声音却说，

“Tyler Clementi dove into the Hudson River convinced he was entirely alone.”

“泰勒·克莱门汀在哈德逊河自尽， 是因为他深信自己会孤老。”

My bones said “write the poem.”

我内心的声音告诉我：“写下这首诗。”

To the lamplight.

写给灯光。

Considering the river bed.

写给投河了结生命的痛苦灵魂。

To the chandelier of your fate hanging by a thread.

写给自己那脆弱但闪耀的灵魂。

To everyday you could not get out of bed.

写给每天无法离开床榻的自己。

To the bulls eye of your wrist

写给你手腕上数不清的针眼。

To anyone who has ever wanted to die.

写给任何有过自杀念头的人。

I have been told, sometimes, the most healing thing we can do-

有人曾对我说，最治愈的事情——

Is remind ourselves over and over and over

就是一遍遍提醒自己，

Other people feel this too

还有其他人正经历同样的痛苦。

The tomorrow that has come and gone

日子一天天过去，

And it has not gotten better

但一切并未好转。

When you are half finished writing that letter to your mother

那封给母亲的信，只写了一半，

that says “I swear to God I tried”

里面写道 “我发誓我尽力了。”

But when I thought I hit bottom, it started hitting back

但当我以为我坠到了生命谷底， 一切却开始好转。

There is no bruise like the bruise loneliness kicks into your spine

没有一种伤痛，会比孤独更深入骨髓。

So let me tell you

I know there are days it looks like the whole world is dancing in the streets

就让我来告诉你，

我知道那种感觉，你觉得整个世界充满了欢乐，

when you break down like the doors of their looted buildings

只有你无助瘫倒，一无所有。

You are not alone and wondering who will be convicted of the crime of insisting

但你并不孤单，即使坚守希望仿佛是一种过错，

you keep loading your grief into the chamber of your shame

你无尽地悔恨，用羞耻感将自己淹没。

You are not weak just because your heart feels so heavy

即便有着沉重的过去，你也并不脆弱，

I have never met a heavy heart that wasn’t a phone booth with a red cape inside

而沉重的过去也无法阻挡你的心跳。

Some people will never understand the kind of superpower it takes

有些人永远不会明白， 这颗心脏有着怎样惊人的生命力，

for some people to just walk outside

因为有些事情他们未曾经历。

Some days I know my smile looks like the gutter of a falling house

有时我的笑容看起来疲惫不堪，

But my hands are always holding tight to the ripchord of believing

但我的双手始终紧握着信念的绳索：

A life can be rich like the soil

人生就像肥沃的土壤，

Make food of decay

淤泥里也能结出硕果，

Turn wound into highway

伤口转化为未来之路。

Pick me up in a truck with that bumper sticker that says

这条路驶来一辆卡车，车尾的贴纸写着，

“it is no measure of good health to be well adjusted to a sick society”

“病态社会，何以知道谁才健康。”

I have never trusted anyone with the pulled back bow of my spine

我从不相信落井下石之人，

the way I trust the ones who come undone at the throat

但我相信那些奄奄一息，或许只剩一线生机，

Screaming for their pulse to find the fight to pound

却还在为生存呐喊和挣扎的人。

Four nights before Tyler Clementi jumped from the George Washington bridge

在泰勒·克莱门汀跳下乔治·华盛顿桥的四天前，

I was sitting in a hotel room in my own town

我坐在自己小镇的酒店房间里，

Calculating exactly what I had to swallow to keep a bottle of sleeping pills down

我该用什么办法，才能吞下一整瓶安眠药。

What I know about living is the pain is never just ours

我所理解的生活，是每个人都有属于自己的痛苦，

Every time I hurt I know the wound is an echo

而每每受伤，新伤口都会唤起痛苦的记忆。

So I keep a listening for the moment when the grief becomes a window

我一直倾听等待着，当悲伤不再阻塞我的心灵之窗。

When I can see what I couldn’t see before,

我双目清明，看见从前忽略的事物，

through the glass of my most battered dream,

浓重的噩梦，也不再阻挡我的思绪。

I watched a dandelion lose its mind in the wind

心灵之窗外，一株蒲公英随风飘散，

and when it did, it scattered a thousand seeds.

散播出数千颗种子。

So the next time I tell you how easily I come out of my skin,

而当我告诉你，走出这一切有多轻松，

don’t try to put me back in

不要迫使我重回困境，

just say here we are together at the window aching for it to all get better

你只需要说：我会陪你一起， 在这扇窗前分担痛苦，等你痊愈，

but knowing there is a chance our hearts may have only just skinned their knees

但你也要明白，或许我们的心只是受了点擦伤，

knowing there is a chance the worst day might still be coming

也或许，最坏的时刻尚未到来。

let me say right now for the record, I’m still gonna be here

但我想对你说，无论如何，我都会陪你，

asking this world to dance, even if it keeps stepping on my holy feet

享受这个世界，学会与它共舞，即使不断受伤。

you- you stay here with me, okay?

也请你陪着我，好吗？

You stay here with me.

留在我身边，陪我一起。

Raising your bite against the bitter dark

武装起自己，对抗黑暗，

Your bright longing

渴求光明，

Your brilliant fists of loss

勇敢地面对失去的一切。

Friend

我的挚友，

if the only thing we have to gain in staying is each other,

如果在陪伴中，我们唯一要争取的，就是彼此，

my god that’s plenty

那就已经很多了，

my god that’s enough

那就已经足够了，

my god that is so so much for the light to give

神明啊，我们可以分享无尽的光明，

each of us at each other’s backs whispering over and over and over

就让我们互相鼓励，一遍遍轻声低吟：

“Live”

“活下去”

“Live”

“活下去”

“Live”

“活下去”