"The Nutritionist" by Andrea Gibson

Hi I'm Andrea Gibson and this is my poem "The Nutritionist."

譯者: Evelyn Luan 審譯者: Helen Chang

嗨，我是安德莉雅·吉布森， 這是我的詩〈營養師〉。

The nutritionist said I should eat root vegetables

營養師告訴我， 要多吃根莖類蔬菜，

Said if I could get down 13 turnips a day

他說如果我能 每天吃十三顆大頭菜，

I would be grounded,

我便能深埋土壤，像種子一樣紮根，

rooted.

Said my head would not keep flying away to where the darkness lives.

這樣我的思緒 就不會飄入黑暗深淵。

The psychic told me my heart carries too much weight

靈媒告訴我， 我的心承受了太多重量，

Said for 20 dollars she’d tell me what to do

給她二十塊， 她就能為我指點迷津。

I handed her the twenty, she said

我給她二十，她說：

“stop worrying darling, you will find a good man soon.”

「別擔心，親愛的， 妳很快就會遇上對的人了。」

The first psychotherapist said I should spend 3 hours a day sitting in a dark closet

第一任心理治療師告訴我，每天 花三個小時在漆黑的衣櫃裡靜坐，

with my eyes closed and my ears plugged.

閉上雙眼， 塞住耳朵。

I tried it once but couldn’t stop thinking

我試了一次，

但總覺得坐在櫃子裡很像同性戀。

about how gay it was to be sitting in the closet.

The yogi told me to stretch everything but truth,

瑜伽大師告訴我， 把一切伸展開來，除了真相，

said focus on the outbreaths,

他說把注意力放在吐氣，

said everyone finds happiness

還說人人都能找到幸福，

if they can care more about what they can give than what they get.

如果每個人都能多付出，少求回報。

The pharmacist said klonopin, lamictil, lithium, Xanax.

藥劑師告訴我，要吃克癇平、 樂命達、鋰齊寧、贊安諾。

The doctor said an antipsychotic might help me forget what the trauma said

醫生告訴我，也許抗精神病藥 可以幫我忘了我的創傷。

The trauma said don’t write this poem.

我的創傷告訴我， 不要寫這首詩，

Nobody wants to hear you cry about the grief inside your bones

沒有人想聽你哭訴 你那痛心刻骨的悲傷，

But my bones said

但我的內心深處告訴我，

“Tyler Clementi dove into the Hudson River convinced he was entirely alone.”

「泰勒·克萊門蒂跳入哈德遜河， 因為他深信他孤獨無依。」

My bones said “write the poem.”

我內心的聲音告訴我： 「寫下這首詩。」

To the lamplight.

寫給燈光，

Considering the river bed.

哈德遜河底是那麼的黑暗。

To the chandelier of your fate hanging by a thread.

寫給你那懸在水晶燈上的命運，

To everyday you could not get out of bed.

寫給無力下床的每一天，

To the bulls eye of your wrist

寫給你手腕上的傷口，

To anyone who has ever wanted to die.

寫給那些動過輕生念頭的人。

I have been told, sometimes, the most healing thing we can do-

有人跟我說過， 有時候最療癒的事——

Is remind ourselves over and over and over

就是一遍又一遍的提醒自己，

Other people feel this too

其他人也經歷過這樣的痛。

The tomorrow that has come and gone

一天天過去了，

And it has not gotten better

一切並沒有好轉，

When you are half finished writing that letter to your mother

給母親的信，只寫了一半，

that says “I swear to God I tried”

信中寫到 「我發誓我真的盡力了」

But when I thought I hit bottom, it started hitting back

但當我以為我已墜入谷底， 一切又開始好轉，

There is no bruise like the bruise loneliness kicks into your spine

沒有一種傷痕， 像孤獨一樣深入骨髓。

So let me tell you

I know there are days it looks like the whole world is dancing in the streets

所以讓我告訴你，

我知道有時候你會覺得， 這個世界充滿歡樂，

when you break down like the doors of their looted buildings

唯獨你不堪一擊， 像一扇被歹徒踢開的門，

You are not alone and wondering who will be convicted of the crime of insisting

你並不孤單， 也不是只有你會去想，

you keep loading your grief into the chamber of your shame

是什麼讓你試圖 用悲傷將羞愧感淹沒，

You are not weak just because your heart feels so heavy

你的心很沈重不代表你很脆弱。

I have never met a heavy heart that wasn’t a phone booth with a red cape inside

每一個受傷的靈魂， 都是身披紅色披風的超級英雄，

Some people will never understand the kind of superpower it takes

有些人永遠不會了解， 對於某些人來說，

for some people to just walk outside

光是面對這個世界， 就需要有超能力。

Some days I know my smile looks like the gutter of a falling house

我知道有時候我的笑容很牽強，

But my hands are always holding tight to the ripchord of believing

但我的手總緊握著 對生命的信念，

A life can be rich like the soil

生命可以富饒的像土壤，

Make food of decay

貧瘠的土地能長出果實，

Turn wound into highway

傷口能化為高速公路，

Pick me up in a truck with that bumper sticker that says

開輛卡車來接我， 車尾貼上一張貼紙，寫著：

“it is no measure of good health to be well adjusted to a sick society”

「能適應這個病態的社會， 不代表你很健康。」

I have never trusted anyone with the pulled back bow of my spine

我從不輕易相信任何人，

但我相信那些 還剩一絲氣息的人，

the way I trust the ones who come undone at the throat

Screaming for their pulse to find the fight to pound

他們仍在奮鬥， 為生命的脈搏嘶吼。

Four nights before Tyler Clementi jumped from the George Washington bridge

在泰勒·克萊門蒂跳下 華盛頓大橋 4 天前的夜裡，

I was sitting in a hotel room in my own town

我坐在我老家的飯店房間裡，

Calculating exactly what I had to swallow to keep a bottle of sleeping pills down

計算著我要如何 才能吞下一整瓶安眠藥，

What I know about living is the pain is never just ours

我對人生的體悟， 就是每個人都有每個人的痛苦。

Every time I hurt I know the wound is an echo

每次我受傷了， 我知道傷口就像回音，

So I keep a listening for the moment when the grief becomes a window

所以我仔細聆聽， 等待某一刻我的悲傷化作窗口，

When I can see what I couldn’t see before,

等待某一刻 我能看見我曾經忽略的，

through the glass of my most battered dream,

在曾重創我的惡夢裡，

I watched a dandelion lose its mind in the wind

我看見一株蒲公英在風中飛舞，

and when it did, it scattered a thousand seeds.

並散播出數千顆種子。

So the next time I tell you how easily I come out of my skin,

所以下回當我告訴你 我有多容易感到害怕時，

don’t try to put me back in

別把我推回原點，

just say here we are together at the window aching for it to all get better

你只要告訴我你會陪著我， 在窗前痛苦的等待一切好轉，

but knowing there is a chance our hearts may have only just skinned their knees

也許我們的心只是擦傷了，

knowing there is a chance the worst day might still be coming

也許最糟糕的那天還是會到來，

let me say right now for the record, I’m still gonna be here

但我保證我還是會陪著你，

asking this world to dance, even if it keeps stepping on my holy feet

邀世界與我共舞， 即使它不斷反踩我的腳。

you- you stay here with me, okay?

你——你也陪著我，好嗎？

You stay here with me.

你也陪著我。

Raising your bite against the bitter dark

咬緊牙關面對苦澀的黑暗，

Your bright longing

你對光明的渴望，

Your brilliant fists of loss

即使輸了也握緊雙拳，

Friend

朋友啊。

if the only thing we have to gain in staying is each other,

即使我們活著只擁有彼此，

my god that’s plenty

天啊那已經很多了，

my god that’s enough

天啊那已經足夠了，

my god that is so so much for the light to give

天啊，我們可帶給彼此無盡的光明，

each of us at each other’s backs whispering over and over and over

我們一起支持著彼此， 一遍一遍的低喃：

“Live”

「活下去」

“Live”

「活下去」

“Live”

「活下去」