Alex Smith: An NFL quarterback on overcoming setbacks and self-doubt | TED

翻译人员: 黑猫 千反田 校对人员: Helen Chang

我在医院里醒来

周围满是医生

意识一片模糊

I wake up in a hospital bed

我已经持续昏迷了一星期

and I'm surrounded by doctors.

医生说我的腿上有严重感染

Everything is hazy.

I've been in and out of consciousness for over a week.

已经进行了八次手术

这期间我发过高烧

The doctors are telling me that I have a bad infection in my leg.

以致免疫系统紊乱

They say that they've operated eight times already.

我的伤口感染，濒临死亡

其中一位医生对我说：

They say that at one point my fever spiked

and my immune system started attacking my body.

“就在我们谈话的此刻 食肉菌正在你的腿上匍匐前进

I went septic and almost died.

每时每刻不断地接近 你身体内的重要器官”

And then one of the doctors says this:

我苦笑道 “您也早啊，医生”

"As we speak, flesh-eating bacteria is crawling up your leg.

（笑声）

让我倒个带

It's getting closer to your vital organs every minute."

我是一名职业橄榄球手

伺职四分卫

Good morning to you, too, doctor.

从医院醒来两周前

(Laughter)

两名将近500磅的防守球员

Let me back up.

I'm a professional football player.

同时将我撞倒

I played quarterback.

听上去很恐怖，但其实这样的撞击 对职业橄榄球员来说司空见惯

And two weeks earlier, two defenders,

almost 500 pounds of muscle,

然而，这一次

crushed me at the same time.

我的腿被撞得弯到了极度

It sounds scary, but honestly, it's pretty normal in my line of work.

成了所谓的开放型螺旋式骨折：

This time, though,

骨头被撞得斜着裂开，扭曲变形

my leg was bending where it shouldn't.

有点像螺旋状的开瓶器

I had what they call a compound spiral fracture,

是的，听起来多可怕，我就有多痛

which means that my leg was twisted and snapped diagonally,

我第一反应是：我的赛季废了

kind of like a corkscrew.

过一会我才意识到

And yes, it's as painful as it sounds.

我的人生从此改写

I knew right there on the field that my season was done.

那次可怕的伤病过去两年后

What took me a little longer to figure out

我竟然重返赛场 且带领我的团队打进了决赛

was that my life was about to change forever.

（掌声）

Two years after that gruesome injury,

I actually ran back out onto that field and led my team to the playoffs.

但我今天想讲的故事无关重返赛场时

(Applause)

观众不停呼喊我的名字的高光时刻

我今天要讲的是你们不曾经历的

But what I want to talk about today isn't some rousing comeback story

我要讲的是像我这样经历伤病的 运动员们不想提及的故事

where the crowd chants my name.

因为这种故事显得我们同样脆弱

I want to talk about the stuff that happens out of you.

我要讲的故事 与恐惧、焦虑，及自我怀疑有关

The stuff that athletes like me don't want to discuss

because we think it makes us look weak.

因为让我真正的从伤痛中彻底走出来

I want to talk about fear, anxiety and self-doubt.

我要做的不仅仅是通过复健 重拾走路或跑步能力

我还需要设立一个前进的标靶

Because if I wanted to really fully recover from my injury,

一个为之而活的东西

I didn't just need to learn to walk and run again.

在我第一次和医生清醒地沟通后 为了保住我的腿

I also needed something to run towards,

医生把我 完好大腿的一部分

something to live for.

移植并衔接到了损伤的那条腿上

After that first hazy conversation, in order to save my leg,

医生们也不确定这样 肌肉组织能否成活

the doctors actually removed part of my good thigh

所以手术后，医生和护士每小时

and reattached it to my busted-up leg.

都来进行术后观察

拆开包扎的纱布

Now, they didn't know if the muscle would take,

涂上凝胶，检查任何成活的迹象

so after the surgery, every hour,

the doctors and nurses would come in,

每次我都叫他们立起一块白布 挡住我的视线

unwrap the wound,

apply a gel and search for a heartbeat in the muscle.

因为我明白那情景会有多可怕

Every time I would make them put up this big white sheet to block my vision,

我的腿上有个巨大的开放性创口

当医生和护士回来的时候

because from what I could tell, it wasn't a pretty sight.

我妻子也会跟他们一起来，为我打气

My leg was essentially a giant open wound.

“看着不错哦”

（笑声）

When the doctors and nurses were back there,

“太酷了”

my wife would be back there with them trying to cheer me up.

（笑声）

但她再怎么努力 也无法鼓励我正视自己的创伤

"It looks so good."

我真的经受不住

(Laughter)

"Babe, it's so cool."

不是因为它看着反胃

(Laughter)

There was no way she was going to get me to look down there.

而是因为我接受不了发生的一切

The truth is, I couldn't bear to.

就这样持续了几个月

在我与轮椅唇齿相依的那段时间里

Not because I couldn't stomach it,

我妻子也在家中与我如影随形

but because I couldn't accept what had happened to me.

甚至如厕时也是一样

This went on for months.

At the time I was wheelchair-bound,

每天的绝大多数时间 我都蜷在沙发上思索：

at home, my wife had to be there for me every second of the day,

我还能走路吗？

even helping me to go to the bathroom.

还能和孩子躲猫猫吗？

I spent most of my days sitting propped up on the couch just thinking,

还能和他们在客厅打闹嬉戏吗？

因为一场无关痛痒的比赛 得失去这么多？

was I ever going to walk again?

Play catch with my kids again?

受伤那天前，我还前途光明

Wrestle with them on the living room floor?

人生充满无限可能

All this for a stupid, meaningless game?

但是现在一切都扭转了

To that point, my life had been so big,

就像我腿的骨折一样

so full of possibility,

说实话

那不是我第一次这么想

but now it all seemed to be spiraling down,

我的职业生涯是这样开始的：

like that fracture in my leg.

我是一个平凡的大学球员

And I'll be honest,

this wasn't the first time that my mind had been twisted up like that.

不过在校的最后两年

我表现得还不错

Let me tell you how my career started.

正巧被NFL的首轮选拔看上了

I was this nothing college recruit.

But in my last two years at school,

就在几个月之间

I played pretty well

我从一个鲜为人知的无名小卒

and somehow catapulted up to be the first pick in the NFL draft.

成了旧金山49众明日之星的四分卫

Over the course of a couple of months,

乔·蒙塔纳，史蒂芬·杨

I went from a guy most people hadn't even heard of

to the next great quarterback to the San Francisco 49ers.

还有我

那时我只是个20岁的孩子

Joe Montana, Steve Young,

没办法消化巨大的压力

我真的非常焦虑

me.

I was a 20-year-old kid at the time,

我真的属于这儿吗？

and I didn't handle that pressure well.

他们多久会发现，我其实名不副实？

I got really, really anxious.

这些疑问困惑着我

Do I really belong here?

当然，我非常害怕犯错误

How long until they find out I'm a fraud?

也渴望得到别人的认可

The questions paralyzed me.

我的脑中每时每刻都是这些想法

I was absolutely terrified to make mistakes,

以至于到了赛前不能进食的地步

and I was desperate for others' validation.

因为我会不断感觉想吐

It followed me around 24/7.

我和妻子或者一些朋友共进晚餐

I got to where I couldn't eat before games,

但其实我魂不守舍

I constantly felt nauseous.

对外界来说，我在打我所热爱的比赛

I'd be at the dinner table with my wife or some friends, and I just ...

成为数百万孩子梦寐以求的职业选手

I wasn't there.

但在我心里，我像块石头，不断下沉

To the outside world, I was playing this game I loved.

I'd achieved what millions of kids grow up dreaming about.

将近五年里，情况多半如此

But in my mind, I was sinking like a stone.

一旦我取得一些成就

就会受伤，或者球队给我换个新教练

It stayed that way for the better part of five years.

之后开启新的一个循环

I'd have some success,

后来有两个人给了我关键的建议

but then I'd get injured or get a new coach.

第一个人是吉姆·哈勃

And the cycle would start over again.

他是我当时的教练

And then I got two key pieces of advice.

哈勃教练最好的地方是

The first came in the form of a guy named Jim Harbaugh.

他从不在意别人对他的看法

He was my coach at the time.

穿着打褶的卡其裤 并把运动衫塞进裤子里

Now, what's best about coach Harbaugh is

他十分自在

he simply does not care what other people think about him.

（笑声）

哈勃教练总是在比赛当天

He couldn't be more comfortable in his pleated khakis

对上场前的选手说同样的话

and tucked-in sweatshirt.

“尽你所能地比”

(Laughter)

“尽你所快地跑”

Now, coach Harbaugh used to tell the team the same thing

“尽你所久地玩”

right before we would take the field on game day.

“不必担心”

He would say, "Play as hard as you can,

“不必担心”

as fast as you can,

for as long as you can.

听起来很简单，也确实很简单

And don't worry."

只不过我一直不相信这是行得通的

直到一个我真正信任的人叮嘱我

"Don't worry."

It sounds simple, and it is,

那时，我有个队友叫布莱克·科斯坦佐

but I guess I didn't really believe it was possible

布莱克是个有点疯的中后卫球员

until it came from somebody that I trusted.

Around the same time, I had a teammate named Blake Costanzo.

比赛前

他会在更衣室跑来跑去 冲着每个人的脸

Blake was a linebacker who was a little nuts.

问道

“你今天会活下来吗？”

Before games,

“我今天会活下来，你呢？”

he would run around the locker room and he would get in everybody's face

一开始，我不理解

and he'd ask,

"Are you going to live today?

之后，我就被他说服了

I'm going to live today, are you?"

他打比赛的态度和我完全相反

At first, I didn't get it.

面对困难，他迎难而上

But then he started to win me over.

完全投入，活在当下

He was a guy who approached the game in the exact opposite way that I did.

在我眼前，活下来

He was taking the challenge head on.

He was fully present, right in the moment.

这些建议一定程度上消除了我的顾虑

Right in my face, just live.

你猜怎么着

我比赛打得更好了

又重新感受到了比赛的乐趣

These ideas were a counterweight to all my doubts.

我们队又开始赢了

And wouldn't you know it?

之后我的职业生涯里

我都会在上场前和一小撮队友谈话

I started playing better.

Started having fun again,

跟他们说同样的话

and we started winning.

活下来就行

我被交易到别的队两次

For the rest of my career,

一些后起之秀取代了我的位置

I would talk to a small group of teammates before games

但我仍坚持这种信念

and tell them some form of the same thing.

Just live.

可是，我的腿感染后

And even as I got traded twice

and replaced by a couple of great young quarterbacks,

我的信念就彻底瓦解了

I stuck with that ethic.

你还不如把那块挡住我视线的白布扯下来

But when my leg got infected,

盖住我的脸

因为我已经是个活死人了

I completely lost that perspective.

又一次，我需要谁帮我振作起来

You might as well have taken that white sheet I was hiding behind

and draped it over my face

那年春天，我在一家叫勇敢者中心的

because I wasn't really living.

And once again, I needed somebody to help me snap out of it.

军事机构开始复健

因为虽然没有橄榄球运动员 受过我这样的伤

That spring, I started rehabbing at a military facility

但这种伤对于士兵来说是惊人的相似

called the Center for the Intrepid.

总的来说，我的腿伤 和踩到简易爆炸装置的炸伤类似

Because while my injury was unheard of for a football player,

康复前，我看了大量

it was eerily similar to that of our wounded warriors.

Basically, my leg exploded like I stepped on an IED.

截肢者的视频

许多人受了像我这样的伤

仍然去参加残奥会

Before I got down there, I'd watched hours and hours of videos

或者参加了美国陆军游骑兵队 或海豹突击队

of these double and triple amputees

and a lot of guys with injuries like mine

我敬佩他们

who were going on to the Paralympics

也想像他们一样

or rejoining the Army Rangers or the Navy SEALs.

但我的体疗师约翰·欧文斯马上告诉我

要让我的腿康复如初，不是件易事

I was in awe of them.

I wanted to be like them.

这是真的

康复的第一天

But one of my PTs, Johnny Owens, made sure I knew right away

我正用好的那条腿做平衡训练

it wasn't going to be easy to get back on my feet.

他朝我的胸部猛推了下

“站好了，亚力克斯”

Literally.

他又猛推了下我

The first day I was down there,

“加油，你可以做得更好”

I was doing a balance exercise on my good leg

and he just shoved me right in the chest.

接着他的举动完全打破我的康复计划

"Come on, Alex."

Then he shoved me again.

他递给我一颗橄榄球

"Come on, you can do better than that."

你看

Then he did something that changed my recovery completely.

和橄榄球作伴了这么多年

受伤后，我就再也没碰过

He handed me a football.

You see,

这种感觉就像截掉的腿重新长出来

after spending years and years of my life with a football in my hands,

他让我用一侧膝盖来传球

I hadn't touched one for months since my injury.

我迅速传给他

It was like reattaching a lost limb.

一颗完美的螺旋球

自那后，只要你给我一颗球

He told me to throw from one knee.

我都感觉更强大

I zipped one to him.

康复训练做得更好

A better kind of spiral.

我不知道怎么解释 但是我感觉更轻松了

From that point on, if you put a ball in my hands,

我感到我还活着

I felt stronger.

约翰第一次来过后

I did my exercises better.

我感觉，我又有了做梦的权利

I can't explain it, but I felt lighter.

I felt alive.

我梦想有朝一日重返赛场

After that first visit,

如果我能够重返，那太好了

I felt like I had permission to dream again.

如果不能，谁在乎啊

至少我的生活有个盼头

I thought about getting back out onto the field.

我就带着这样的心态熬过康复期

If I make it back, great,

if I don't, who cares,

受过大量的身心折磨后

at least I was living for something.

And that's the mentality that carried me through my recovery.

最终医生让我出院了

我又成为了橄榄球运动员

Through numerous setbacks, both physically and mentally,

受伤693天后

I eventually got cleared by the doctors.

I actually made the roster.

我又被唤去戴上头盔

在比赛里第一次把球传给后卫

And then, 693 days after my injury,

我真希望说，我一出场 观众就沸腾起来

I got the call to put on my helmet

但实际上，当时根本就没有观众 因为新冠疫情的影响

and take my first snap in a game.

（笑声）

Now, I wish I could tell you that the crowd went wild,

不过，在场地上奔跑

but there was basically nobody there because of COVID.

(Laughter)

我百感交集

我当时冲得真快

And still, running onto that field,

不过说实话

I had so many mixed emotions.

我当时非常恐慌

What a rush.

练习是一码事，比赛是另一码事

But to be honest,

我的腿撑不撑得住？

I was absolutely terrified.

第三次传球的时候

一个壮硕的防卫撞向我的背

Practice was one thing, but a real game?

我试着走几步来稳住，但还是摔倒了

Was my leg going to hold up?

I found out on the third snap

那仍然是我人生中最自由的时刻

when this huge defender launched himself onto my back,

我重新站了起来，知道自己没事

I tried to take a few steps, but I went down.

It's still the most liberating feeling in my life,

我很自豪，因为我重新回到了赛场

getting back up, knowing that I'm OK.

但我更引以为傲的是带我到赛场的人

不是实打实地带我到那儿 而是在精神上支持我的人

I'm proud that I made it back out onto the field,

我学到了，太多的焦虑 总让我们止步不前

but I'm more proud of what got me there.

焦虑都是自己造成的

Not the physical journey, but the mental one.

而这些焦虑又造成了更大的内耗

I've learned that so much of the anxiety that holds us back in life,

让某人带我们走出困境是可以的

it's self-inflicted.

对我来说，这个人可以是我妻子

We make it worse on ourselves.

And it's OK if we need somebody to help us snap out of it.

一个士兵

一个疯狂的后卫

或者一个古怪的教练

For me, that was my wife,

他们教会我，我必须看清我恐惧的本质

a military guy,

a maniac linebacker

这也是为什么，回过头看

or an eccentric coach.

我才发现，约翰猛推我的胸部后 我的康复才真正开始

They taught me that I had to see my fears for what they are.

一开始，我必须得躲在白布后面

And that's why, looking back,

I know that my recovery didn't actually start when Johnny shoved me in the chest.

几个星期里，我的妻子都反复告诉我 我的腿看起来多棒

First, I had to pull back that white sheet.

她帮我克服了那个点

我准备好直视伤腿了

For weeks and weeks, I'd been hearing my wife tell me how great it looked.

而我真正看到时

伤口还是比我预想的糟多了

She helped me get to that point.

（笑声）

I was ready.

And when I finally did it,

我看到的一点也不酷

it looked way worse than I had expected.

而是很怪

残缺又变形

(Laughter)

一块紫一块蓝一块红混杂

What I saw was not cool.

It was grotesque.

预警下，接下来这些图片有点写实

Mangled and deformed.

不过我的腿从这样

All kinds of purple and blue and red.

黑色部分是死掉的组织

Fair warning, these pictures are a little graphic.

变成这样

But my leg went from this,

然后这样

the black is the dead tissue,

to this.

接着这样

最后能重装

And this.

不过我坦然接受它的样子

And this.

这就是我的腿

Before it could get rebuilt.

这么多天里

But I saw my leg for what it was.

我和这家伙一起前行

And it was mine.

（掌声）

These days,

I've come a long way with this guy.

(Applause)

它曾经代表我所有的恐惧

代表我所有失去的东西

现在却可能是除了妻子和孩子

This thing that once represented everything I feared,

我生命中最自豪的东西

我猜她说得对，这确实很酷

everything I had lost,

it's probably the thing I'm most proud of in my life

（笑声）

这些伤疤

outside of my wife and kids.

不仅提醒着我的过往

So, yeah, I guess she was right, it is pretty cool.

还预言未来的事

(Laughter)

These scars,

它们盯着我

they're not just a reminder of everything I've been through,

挑战我，让我做自己

but more so, everything that's in front of me.

尽己所能，帮助其他人走出困境

They stare me in my face.

你可能没有一条这样的腿

Challenging me to be myself.

To help others out of their own spirals when I can.

但我敢肯定，你也有伤疤

我希望你能够

Now, you might not have a leg that looks like this.

看着它们

并消化掉

But I’ll bet you’ve got some scars.

它们是你在这个世界能拥有的 最好的提醒

And my hope for you is this.

Look at them.

提醒人生还有许多事等着我们去做

Own them.

谢谢

They're the best reminder you'll ever have that there's a whole world out there.

（掌声）

And we've got a whole lot of living left to do.

Thank you.

(Applause)