Alex Smith: An NFL quarterback on overcoming setbacks and self-doubt | TED

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Helen Chang

I wake up in a hospital bed

我在醫院的病床上醒來，

and I'm surrounded by doctors.

旁邊圍繞著醫生。

Everything is hazy.

一切都很朦朧。

I've been in and out of consciousness for over a week.

超過一週的時間，我都在 有意識和無意識之間游走。

The doctors are telling me that I have a bad infection in my leg.

醫生告訴我，我的腿部嚴重感染。

They say that they've operated eight times already.

他們說他們已經動了八次手術。

They say that at one point my fever spiked

他們說，有一回，我發高燒， 我的免疫系統開始攻擊我的身體。

and my immune system started attacking my body.

I went septic and almost died.

我差點因敗血症而死。

And then one of the doctors says this:

接著，其中一位醫生說：

"As we speak, flesh-eating bacteria is crawling up your leg.

「我們說話的同時，吃人肉的 細菌正沿著你的腿向上爬。

It's getting closer to your vital organs every minute."

每分鐘，它們都更接近 你的重要器官。」

Good morning to you, too, doctor.

也祝你早安，醫生。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Let me back up.

讓我倒帶一下。

I'm a professional football player.

我是職業美式足球員。

I played quarterback.

我的位置是四分衛。

And two weeks earlier, two defenders,

兩週前，兩個防守的球員，

almost 500 pounds of muscle,

接近五百磅的肌肉，

crushed me at the same time.

同時撞擠我。

It sounds scary, but honestly, it's pretty normal in my line of work.

聽起來很可怕，但，老實說，

在我這一行這很正常。

This time, though,

不過，這一次，

my leg was bending where it shouldn't.

我的腳被彎到不該彎的狀態。

我的骨折是所謂的複雜性螺旋骨折，

I had what they call a compound spiral fracture,

which means that my leg was twisted and snapped diagonally,

意思就是，我的腳被龍扭曲 然後以對角線的方式折斷，

kind of like a corkscrew.

有點像開瓶的拔塞鑽。

And yes, it's as painful as it sounds.

是的，真的有聽起來那麼痛。

I knew right there on the field that my season was done.

當場，我就知道 我這一季不能再上場了。

What took me a little longer to figure out

我多花了一點時間才知道，

was that my life was about to change forever.

我的人生即將永遠改變。

Two years after that gruesome injury,

那次可怕的受傷事件過後兩年，

I actually ran back out onto that field and led my team to the playoffs.

我實際跑回到了球場上，

領導我的球隊打進季後賽。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

But what I want to talk about today isn't some rousing comeback story

但我今天不是來談某種 激動人心東山再起的故事，

where the crowd chants my name.

有群眾還喊著我的名字。

I want to talk about the stuff that happens out of you.

我想要談你無法掌控但卻發生的事。

The stuff that athletes like me don't want to discuss

像我這樣的運動員不想討論的事，

because we think it makes us look weak.

因為我們認為那會 讓我們看起來很軟弱。

I want to talk about fear, anxiety and self-doubt.

我想要談恐懼、焦慮，

及自我懷疑。

Because if I wanted to really fully recover from my injury,

因為如果我想要從受傷中完全復元，

I didn't just need to learn to walk and run again.

我需要的不只是 重新學習走路和跑步。

I also needed something to run towards,

我也需要一個讓我 有動力去做的目標，

something to live for.

活下去的目標。

After that first hazy conversation, in order to save my leg,

在初次的朦朧對談之後，

為了拯救我的腿，

the doctors actually removed part of my good thigh

醫生必須要把我好的 那隻大腿切除一部分，

and reattached it to my busted-up leg.

用到我毀掉的那隻腳上。

Now, they didn't know if the muscle would take,

他們不知道肌肉是否能承受，所以，

so after the surgery, every hour,

手術後，

每個小時，

the doctors and nurses would come in,

醫生和護理師就會進來，

unwrap the wound,

拆開傷口的包紮，

apply a gel and search for a heartbeat in the muscle.

塗上一種膠，尋找肌肉的心跳。

Every time I would make them put up this big white sheet to block my vision,

每次，我都請他們用 一大片白布擋住我的視線，

because from what I could tell, it wasn't a pretty sight.

因為就我所知，

那不是好看的畫面。

My leg was essentially a giant open wound.

基本上，我的腳 是個巨大的開放傷口。

When the doctors and nurses were back there,

當醫生和護理師在那裡時，

my wife would be back there with them trying to cheer me up.

我太太也會和他們 一起在那裡，試著幫我打氣。

"It looks so good."

「看起來很好。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

"Babe, it's so cool."

「寶貝，這好酷。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

There was no way she was going to get me to look down there.

她不可能讓我向下看我的腳。

The truth is, I couldn't bear to.

事實是，我也承受不了去看一眼。

Not because I couldn't stomach it,

不是我無法消化那個畫面，

but because I couldn't accept what had happened to me.

而是因為我無法接受 我會遇到這種事。

This went on for months.

這狀況持續了幾個月。

At the time I was wheelchair-bound,

當輪椅成為我的一部分時，

at home, my wife had to be there for me every second of the day,

在家裡，我太太每天 無時無刻都得在我身邊，

even helping me to go to the bathroom.

甚至要協助我上廁所。

I spent most of my days sitting propped up on the couch just thinking,

我幾乎整天都撐坐在沙發上，想著，

was I ever going to walk again?

我還能再走路嗎？

Play catch with my kids again?

還能和我的孩子玩接球嗎？

Wrestle with them on the living room floor?

和他們在客廳地上扭打成一團？

All this for a stupid, meaningless game?

這一切都只為了一場 無意義、愚蠢的比賽？

To that point, my life had been so big,

在那時點之前，我的人生功成名就，

so full of possibility,

充滿了可能性。

but now it all seemed to be spiraling down,

但現在，一切似乎 都被漩渦捲下去了，

like that fracture in my leg.

和我腳部的骨折一樣慘。

And I'll be honest,

老實說，那不是我第一次 有那麼扭曲的想法。

this wasn't the first time that my mind had been twisted up like that.

Let me tell you how my career started.

讓我告訴各位我的職涯如何開始。

I was this nothing college recruit.

我是個無所成的大學新手。

But in my last two years at school,

但我在學校的最後兩年，

I played pretty well

我打得挺好的，

and somehow catapulted up to be the first pick in the NFL draft.

不知怎麼的就讓我一躍成了 NFL 的選秀狀元。

Over the course of a couple of months,

在短短幾個月間，我從 大部分人都沒聽過的小卒，

I went from a guy most people hadn't even heard of

to the next great quarterback to the San Francisco 49ers.

成了舊金山四九人隊中 下一個偉大的四分衞。

Joe Montana, Steve Young,

喬·蒙坦納、史提夫·揚、

me.

我。

I was a 20-year-old kid at the time,

當時我才二十歲，

and I didn't handle that pressure well.

我沒有把那些壓力處理得很好。

I got really, really anxious.

我變得非常非常焦慮。

Do I really belong here?

我真的屬於這裡嗎？

How long until they find out I'm a fraud?

他們要多久才會發現我根本沒本事？

The questions paralyzed me.

這些問題讓我好無力。

I was absolutely terrified to make mistakes,

我超怕犯錯，

and I was desperate for others' validation.

且我好渴望別人認可。

It followed me around 24/7.

我無時無刻都擺脫不了這些。

I got to where I couldn't eat before games,

後來我甚至在比賽前都無法進食，

I constantly felt nauseous.

我經常想吐。

I'd be at the dinner table with my wife or some friends, and I just ...

在餐桌上和我太太或朋友 共進晚餐時，我會……

I wasn't there.

我人在心不在。

To the outside world, I was playing this game I loved.

對外界來說，我是在 打我喜歡的比賽。

I'd achieved what millions of kids grow up dreaming about.

我達成了數百萬孩子成長時的夢想。

But in my mind, I was sinking like a stone.

但在我心中，我像個 石頭一樣不斷下沉。

It stayed that way for the better part of five years.

五年的大部分時間裡 情況就是這樣。

I'd have some success,

我有些成功，但接著，

but then I'd get injured or get a new coach.

我會受傷或換新教練。

And the cycle would start over again.

循環又再來一次。

And then I got two key pieces of advice.

接著，我得到了兩個很重要的建議。

The first came in the form of a guy named Jim Harbaugh.

第一個建議來自吉姆·哈柏。

He was my coach at the time.

當時，他是我的教練。

Now, what's best about coach Harbaugh is

哈柏教練最棒的一點就是

he simply does not care what other people think about him.

他就是不在乎別人對他的看法。

He couldn't be more comfortable in his pleated khakis

他可以非常自在地穿打褶的 卡其褲，並把運動衫紮到褲子裡。

and tucked-in sweatshirt.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Now, coach Harbaugh used to tell the team the same thing

以前每次上場比賽前 哈柏教練都會跟我們說同樣的話。

right before we would take the field on game day.

He would say, "Play as hard as you can,

他會說：「比賽時盡最大努力，

as fast as you can,

用最快的速度，

for as long as you can.

盡量撐著，

And don't worry."

然後就別擔心。」

"Don't worry."

「別擔心。」

It sounds simple, and it is,

聽起來很簡單，是很簡單。

but I guess I didn't really believe it was possible

但，要由我信任的人來告訴我， 我才相信這是有可能的。

until it came from somebody that I trusted.

Around the same time, I had a teammate named Blake Costanzo.

那時我有一位隊友 叫布雷克·科斯坦佐。

Blake was a linebacker who was a little nuts.

布雷克是後衛，有點瘋狂。

Before games,

比賽前，他會在更衣室跑來跑去， 然後跑到每個人面前，

he would run around the locker room and he would get in everybody's face

他會問：

and he'd ask,

"Are you going to live today?

「你要活在今天嗎？

I'm going to live today, are you?"

我要活在今天，你呢？」

At first, I didn't get it.

一開始，我聽不懂。

But then he started to win me over.

但，他開始贏得我的心。

He was a guy who approached the game in the exact opposite way that I did.

這個傢伙比賽的方式和我完全相反。

He was taking the challenge head on.

他面對面迎接挑戰。

He was fully present, right in the moment.

他全心全意投入在當下。

Right in my face, just live.

直面我，

全心全意活在當下。

These ideas were a counterweight to all my doubts.

這些想法完全與我的懷疑抗衡。

And wouldn't you know it?

你猜如何？

I started playing better.

我開始打得更好了。

Started having fun again,

又開始找到樂趣了，

and we started winning.

我們也開始贏球了。

For the rest of my career,

在接下來的職涯中，比賽前 我都會招集一小群隊友，

I would talk to a small group of teammates before games

and tell them some form of the same thing.

以某種形式告訴他們 同樣的內容：只管活在當下。

Just live.

And even as I got traded twice

即使我被球隊賣掉兩次，也被 一些很棒的年輕四分衛取代過，

and replaced by a couple of great young quarterbacks,

I stuck with that ethic.

我仍然堅持這原則。

But when my leg got infected,

但，當我的腳被感染時，

I completely lost that perspective.

我完全失去了那種觀點。

You might as well have taken that white sheet I was hiding behind

你倒不如把那塊讓我躲藏的白布

and draped it over my face

直接蓋在我臉上，

because I wasn't really living.

因為我沒有真正活著。

And once again, I needed somebody to help me snap out of it.

再一次，我需要有人幫我振作起來。

That spring, I started rehabbing at a military facility

那年春天，我開始到軍事機構 「無畏卓越中心」做復健。

called the Center for the Intrepid.

Because while my injury was unheard of for a football player,

雖然以前沒有美式 足球員受過我這種傷，

it was eerily similar to that of our wounded warriors.

卻和傷兵戰士所受的傷很類似。

Basically, my leg exploded like I stepped on an IED.

基本上，我的腳就像是踩上 土製爆裂物被炸斷一樣。

Before I got down there, I'd watched hours and hours of videos

去那裡之前，我看了不少小時的影片，

of these double and triple amputees

雙或三斷肢者的影片，

and a lot of guys with injuries like mine

許多人的傷和我的很像，

who were going on to the Paralympics

他們會去參加殘奧，或者

or rejoining the Army Rangers or the Navy SEALs.

重新加入陸軍遊騎兵 或海軍海豹部隊。

I was in awe of them.

我好敬佩他們。

I wanted to be like them.

我想跟他們一樣。

But one of my PTs, Johnny Owens, made sure I knew right away

但，我的其中一位私人教練 強尼·歐文斯確保我馬上知道

it wasn't going to be easy to get back on my feet.

要重新站起來不會是易事。

Literally.

真的。

The first day I was down there,

在那裡的第一天，我用 好的那隻腳在做平衡練習，

I was doing a balance exercise on my good leg

and he just shoved me right in the chest.

他就直接朝我的胸口推了一把。

"Come on, Alex."

「來呀，艾力克斯。」

Then he shoved me again.

他又推了我一次。

"Come on, you can do better than that."

「來呀，你可以做得更好。」

Then he did something that changed my recovery completely.

他接下來做的事， 完全改變了我的復元過程。

He handed me a football.

他拿了一個美式足球給我。

You see,

要知道，花了這麼多年過著 手上總有顆美式足球的日子，

after spending years and years of my life with a football in my hands,

I hadn't touched one for months since my injury.

我受傷後卻有好幾個月 都沒碰過美式足球。

It was like reattaching a lost limb.

那就好像接上斷肢一樣。

He told me to throw from one knee.

他叫我靠一腿來傳球。

I zipped one to him.

我傳了一球給他。

A better kind of spiral.

這種螺旋比較好。

From that point on, if you put a ball in my hands,

從那一刻起，如果你 把球交到我手中，

I felt stronger.

我會覺得更強壯。

我的練習也做得比較好。

I did my exercises better.

I can't explain it, but I felt lighter.

我無法解釋，但我覺得變輕了。

I felt alive.

我覺得我活著。

After that first visit,

第一次造訪之後，

I felt like I had permission to dream again.

我覺得我被允許再次作夢了。

I thought about getting back out onto the field.

我會想著要回到球場上。

If I make it back, great,

如果我能回去，很棒，

if I don't, who cares,

如果不能，誰在乎？

at least I was living for something.

至少我有為了什麼而活。

And that's the mentality that carried me through my recovery.

就是這種心態帶著我 完成了復元過程。

Through numerous setbacks, both physically and mentally,

撐過許多身體上和心理上的挫敗。

I eventually got cleared by the doctors.

最終，我得到醫生的核准，

I actually made the roster.

我進入了球員名冊中。

And then, 693 days after my injury,

接著，

在我受傷後的六百九十三天，

I got the call to put on my helmet

我被通知要戴上頭盔，

and take my first snap in a game.

上場做我的第一次發球。

Now, I wish I could tell you that the crowd went wild,

我希望我能告訴各位群眾隨之瘋狂，

but there was basically nobody there because of COVID.

但因為新冠肺炎，幾乎沒人在場。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And still, running onto that field,

不過，跑上球場，仍然

I had so many mixed emotions.

讓我心中五味雜陳。

What a rush.

好倉促。

But to be honest,

但，老實說，

I was absolutely terrified.

我完全嚇壞了。

Practice was one thing, but a real game?

練習是一回事，但真正上場？

Was my leg going to hold up?

我的腳真的撐得住嗎？

I found out on the third snap

第三次發球時超大隻的防守球員 從我背後撲上來，我得到了答案，

when this huge defender launched himself onto my back,

I tried to take a few steps, but I went down.

我試著向前幾步，但我仍然摔倒了。

It's still the most liberating feeling in my life,

那仍然是我人生中 最讓我寬心的感覺，

getting back up, knowing that I'm OK.

重新站起來，知道我沒事。

I'm proud that I made it back out onto the field,

我很自豪又回到了球場上，

but I'm more proud of what got me there.

但更讓我自豪的是我怎麼到那裡的。

Not the physical journey, but the mental one.

不是身體的旅程，而是心理的。

I've learned that so much of the anxiety that holds us back in life,

我學到，人生中那麼多 讓我們無法前進的焦慮，

it's self-inflicted.

都是自己造成的。

We make it worse on ourselves.

我們自己讓情況變糟。

And it's OK if we need somebody to help us snap out of it.

如果我們需要別人協助 我們振作，也沒關係的。

For me, that was my wife,

對我來說，幫我的人是我太太、

a military guy,

一個軍人、

a maniac linebacker

一個瘋狂的後衛、

or an eccentric coach.

或一個古怪的教練。

They taught me that I had to see my fears for what they are.

他們教我，我必須要看清 我的恐懼的真相。

And that's why, looking back,

因此，現在回頭看，

I know that my recovery didn't actually start when Johnny shoved me in the chest.

我知道我的復元過程並非始於 強尼朝我的胸口推一把。

First, I had to pull back that white sheet.

首先，

我得拉開那塊白布。

For weeks and weeks, I'd been hearing my wife tell me how great it looked.

數週來，我一直聽 我太太說看起來有多棒。

She helped me get to that point.

她協助我走到那一步。

I was ready.

我準備好了。

And when I finally did it,

當我終於掀開白布，

it looked way worse than I had expected.

狀況看起來比我預期的還糟很多。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

What I saw was not cool.

我看到的畫面一點也不酷。

It was grotesque.

而是很怪異。

Mangled and deformed.

嚴重受損且變形了。

All kinds of purple and blue and red.

各種紫色、藍色，和紅色。

Fair warning, these pictures are a little graphic.

先警告，這些照片 可能會造成不舒服。

But my leg went from this,

但我的腳從這個樣子，

the black is the dead tissue,

黑色部分是壞死的組織，

to this.

變成這樣。

And this.

然後這樣。

And this.

然後這樣。

Before it could get rebuilt.

這是在它重建之前。

But I saw my leg for what it was.

但我看到我的腳真實的樣子。

And it was mine.

那是我的腳。

These days,

這些日子，

I've come a long way with this guy.

我和這個傢伙走了好長的路。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

This thing that once represented everything I feared,

這東西曾經代表我所懼怕的一切，

everything I had lost,

我失去的一切，

it's probably the thing I'm most proud of in my life

除了我的太太和孩子，它現在 可能是我人生中最自豪的東西。

outside of my wife and kids.

So, yeah, I guess she was right, it is pretty cool.

我想，她是對的，這隻腳的確很酷。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

These scars,

這些傷疤，

they're not just a reminder of everything I've been through,

不只提醒我我所經歷過的一切，

but more so, everything that's in front of me.

更提醒我我眼前的一切。

They stare me in my face.

它們正面盯著我。

Challenging me to be myself.

挑戰我做自己。

To help others out of their own spirals when I can.

在能力範圍內協助他人 脫離他們的漩渦。

Now, you might not have a leg that looks like this.

你可能沒有像這樣的腳。

But I’ll bet you’ve got some scars.

但我敢說你也有其他傷疤。

And my hope for you is this.

我希望你能這樣做：

Look at them.

看著它們。

Own them.

承認它們。

They're the best reminder you'll ever have that there's a whole world out there.

它們是最棒的提醒， 讓你記得外面的世界很大。

And we've got a whole lot of living left to do.

我們還有很多「活著」 等著我們去做。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）