Work Is Not Your Family | Gloria Chan Packer | TED

翻译人员: Yip Yan Yeung 校对人员: Grace Man

"We're like family."

“我们就像是一家人。”

This is a phrase that's become quite popular in our places of work

这是职场里越来越风靡的一句话，

to try to make work feel a little less like this

试图让工作不再这样，

and a little bit more like this.

而是这样。

It's a phrase that started in the last decade or two

这是近十几二十年里 出现的一句话，

to try to elicit feelings of warmth and belonging

试图传达出温暖、归属感

and really that "cool culture" vibe.

和“酷文化”之感。

The laid-back break rooms with beanbag chairs and the beer on tap

悠闲的休息室里放着 懒人沙发、啤酒机，

and those tight-knit teams that got through everything together

团结一致的团队就像家人一样

like a family.

一起度过一切。

It's a phrase that started with positive intent

这句话的本意是好的，

and has had positive outcome.

结果也是好的。

However, what's gone far less recognized and discussed

然而，我们很少会 意识到并谈及

is how calling work our family can actually be quite detrimental

将公司称为我们的家 如何在不知不觉中

to our mental and emotional health without our knowing it.

对我们的心理、情绪健康 造成伤害。

Which is why I'm here today to offer the reminder that work is not your family.

所以我今天在这里要提醒大家， 公司不是你的家。

And to explore how this "cool culture" catchphrase often ends up

探索一下 这种流行的“酷文化”

breeding burnout instead.

是如何让人们精疲力尽的。

My name is Gloria Chan Packer.

我叫格洛丽亚·陈·帕克 (Gloria Chan Packer)。

I am a mental wellness educator and an experienced corporate leader.

我是一名心理健康教育工作者， 也是一个经验丰富的企业领导。

In 2018, I founded a company called "Recalibrate"

2018 年，我创立了一家公司， 名为“校正” (Recalibrate)，

to try to deliver workplace mental wellness services

为职场提供心理健康服务，

that were more modern, accessible and science-backed.

这些服务现代化， 人人都有机会接触且有科学依据。

Since that time,

从那时起，

I and my team have gotten to work with almost 20,000 employees

我和我的团队有了与全世界 将近两万名员工一起工作的机会。

all over the world.

Now, the reason this topic,

我之所以要讲这个话题——

exploring how calling work our family can be problematic and breed burnout,

将职场当成家会造成许多问题， 还会把员工榨干，

the reason it's important to me is because I've personally lived it.

这个话题对我十分重要的原因是 我亲身经历过。

Before we get into that, though,

在我详细谈谈这点之前，

let's first baseline by understanding why calling work our family

我们先来了解一下 为什么把公司当成家

at its core can be problematic.

究其根本会造成很多问题。

Doing so, psychologically infers a really big blur

这么做会在心理上造成

and betrayal in our boundaries.

对边界的严重模糊和背离。

Work and family are different entities with different goals,

工作和家庭是两件不同的事， 有着不同的目标、

expectations and responsibilities,

预期和责任，

and therefore should be separated and boundaried.

所以它们应该 泾渭分明，划清界限。

For example, I'm not going to be in the shower one day

比如，我不可能在洗澡的时候

and notice a really weird mole on my pregnant belly

发现了我的孕肚上 有一颗奇怪的黑痣，

and roll into my boss's office like I would my mom and be like,

然后冲进我老板的办公室， 就像对我妈妈那样说：

"Hey, can you can you get in here and look at this?

“嘿，你能帮我看看这个吗？

This looks kind of weird. I'm freaked out."

看起来好奇怪啊。 我有点害怕。”

A few of us are giggling or laughing,

有些人在笑，

but I'm sure a few of us, too, in our heads are like,

但是肯定也有些人在想：

"Oh, have I done something weird like that at work?

“我自己有没有在工作的时候 做过这种蠢事？

Have I crossed a boundary before?”

我以前有没有越过界？”

Boundaries are hard for a lot of us

边界对很多人来说很难理解，

because many of us never learned boundaries.

因为很多人根本 不知道边界这回事。

It's kind of a newer, buzzy phrase

这是个新潮的词语，

that not many of us really have learned or defined before.

很多人以前都没有 听说或者定义过它。

So let's start by defining what boundaries are

所以我们先来定义一下 边界是什么，

and why they're so important to our mental health.

为什么它对我们的心理健康 非常重要。

I like to think of boundaries as our ability to identify,

我将边界定义为我们识别、

communicate and take action on our needs.

表达、执行自身需求的能力。

Being able to say, "I need to eat,"

有能力说出：“我要吃东西”、

"I need to rest," "I need some space right now."

“我要休息”、 “我现在需要点空间”。

Survival speaking, boundaries are critical for us as humans to be able to say,

从生存角度来看， 边界对人类至关重要，

"I need something," to be able to find safety and resourcing.

人类得意识到“我需要什么”， 才能保障安全和资源。

However, it can also be advantageous in certain situations

但是在某些情况下，

to delay or deprioritize our needs too.

延迟或者暂缓需求 也有一些好处。

For example,

举个例子，

if I'm a human back in the day, running away from a tiger,

如果我是个原始人， 一只老虎追着我，

if I happen to be hungry,

而我正好挺饿的，

it will, of course, be beneficial to delay that need for hunger

那当然等我安全了再去考虑 填饱肚子才是正确的选择。

until I'm safe again.

However, if, after the tiger has left and I'm safe,

但是如果老虎走了， 我安全了，

I keep staying stuck and being scared of the tiger

我还惊魂未定，

and delaying my hunger and not eating,

还不解决我的饥饿问题， 不吃东西，

that becomes unhealthy too.

那也会变得不健康。

This shift of delaying our needs into the unhealthy without knowing it

不知不觉中，由延迟满足需求 转变为不健康的状态，

is where a lot of us find ourselves unknowingly stuck today.

也就是如今很多人 无意间跌入的泥沼。

Somewhere in our lives we learned and adapted

我们在人生的旅途中 学习并适应了

that repressing or sacrificing our needs for others was beneficial.

为他人压抑或牺牲 自己的需求是件好事。

But that became so auto-piloted in our subconscious

但是我们的潜意识里 对此过于习以为常，

that it goes past the point of diminishing returns

以至于弊逐渐大于利，

and becomes unhealthy.

最终危害健康。

To where maybe we land into a workplace and we hear "we're like family"

我们在职场听到 “我们就像是一家人”这句话，

and our brain just triggers into "give it everything no matter what."

然后我们的大脑就自动切换成了 “赴汤蹈火奉献一切”模式。

We sacrifice our boundaries, our time, our relationships,

我们牺牲了边界、时间、 人际关系，

and we start living life in these big swings of overworking to burnout.

在过度加班中精疲力竭。

And maybe we rationally know that it's not the healthiest pattern in our life,

虽然我们可能清楚地知道 这不是一种健康的生活方式，

but we feel stuck.

但是我们无法自拔。

I get that.

我懂的。

I've lived through that and sometimes still feel challenged with it.

我也经历过， 现在有时仍会受此困扰。

You see, before I worked in mental wellness,

在我就职于心理健康行业之前，

you could argue that I worked in the opposite of mental wellness.

你可以把我的工作看作是 心理健康的反面。

I started my career in management and technology consulting,

我毕业后就职于 管理和科技咨询行业，

spending almost a decade giving it my all.

奉献了将近十年的青春。

I did the 80 to 100 hour billing weeks,

我每周工作 80 至 100 小时，

the 100-plus fights a year, for years on end,

一年到头从不停歇地 打 100 多场官司，

the early promotion chase

提前晋升紧随其后，

and didn't scale back on other parts of my life either.

但也没有放下我生活的其他部分。

Still volunteered, went to my SoulCycle classes

我还做志愿者，参加 SoulCycle 精品单车健身课，

did brunch and late nights with my friends

和朋友们从早聚到晚，

until my completely overscoped life turned into burnout cycle

直到我这过度忙碌密集的生活 进入了一个又一个

after burnout cycle.

精疲力竭的循环。

In 2017, my brain and body hit a wall.

2017 年，我的脑子和身体 突然宕机了。

I started struggling with debilitating, chronic migraines

我受到身体虚弱 和慢性偏头痛的折磨，

that, for me,

这对我来说，

meant that after months of no change

几个月来毫无改善，

and no medication or treatment working,

药物和治疗都没有奏效，

I knew I had to take at least a leave from work.

就意味着我至少得 脱离工作，休息一下了。

And that was devastating for me

对我来说打击太大了，

because work had really become my everything.

因为工作真的就是我的全部。

There is a memory that haunts me from that time.

从那时起，就有一个回忆 萦绕在我的脑海。

And it was the night before I was about to go on leave,

那是我休假前夕，

and I was just grabbing dinner with a friend and my husband.

我和我的朋友和先生 一起去吃晚饭。

And I said to my friend,

我对我的朋友说：

"Work is my entire worth and my identity.

“工作是我人生的全部价值， 是我的一切。

I don't know what I'm going to do without it."

如果没有工作， 我都不知道要做些什么。”

And my husband's body language and face dropped

我先生的肢体语言和表情

in a way that I had never seen it.

以一种前所未有的方式 流露出了失望。

And after my friend left, I remember him saying to me,

在我朋友走后， 我记得他和我说：

"I can't believe that you think that work is your only worth

“我真不敢相信，你竟然觉得 工作就是你唯一的价值，

when I see so much more.

在我的眼中， 你的价值远不止此。

And I can't believe you can't see that either."

我也不敢相信 你自己竟然没有意识到。”

It's a poignant memory for me because I remember it feeling so true.

这个回忆让我记忆犹新， 因为太扎心了。

And now I know it's not.

当然我现在知道 工作并不是我的全部。

But it was a really rough period.

但是那段时间真的很艰难。

It's such an important one in my life because it gave me the opportunity

那是我人生中非常宝贵的 一段时间，它让我有机会

to do my own mental health work

处理一下自己的 心理健康问题，

and understand where these burnout behaviors had come from for me,

搞明白精疲力竭的根源，

so that now I could grow into being able to discern

这样我就可以逐渐分辨

when those behaviors are healthy or unhealthy.

哪些行为是健康或者不健康的。

For me, where those behaviors started and were adopted

对我而言，这些行为的来源

is that I grew up learning that I needed to be perfect

是我成长过程中被灌输的 “我必须做到满分”的思想，

and to people please and be the best at everything

让人人都满意，尽善尽美，

so that I could get myself out of a situation

如果看起来做不到， 我就可以选择逃避、知难而退。

that I felt like I otherwise wouldn't be able to make it through.

For me,

对我来说，

that perfectionism and people-pleasing was so critical to that point in my life.

当时我的眼里只有 这种完美主义和讨好型人格。

But then when I just put it on autopilot,

但是当时我就任其发展，

it went way past the point of diminishing returns

给我带来的好处 逐渐被伤害取代，

and often became unhealthy for me.

让我越来越不健康。

That's my story.

这就是我的故事。

Let's spend some time getting to know yours.

我们来听听你的故事吧。

I'm going to invite you to do a little bit of reflection activity with me

我要请你和我 一起做一些反思，

as you're comfortable,

保持舒适的状态，

if you can all just close your eyes wherever you are.

请大家闭上眼睛。

And with your eyes closed,

闭上眼，

I'm going to ask you to start to bring to mind a part of you

请大家召唤身体中的一部分，

that tends to overwork,

那一部分的你经常过度工作、

to be a perfectionist or a people-pleaser,

完美主义或者有讨好型人格，

struggles to set boundaries.

不太会设定边界。

When I ask what it would be like

我想请你稍稍克制一下 这一部分的你。

if you tone that part of you back a little.

Just let that go a little.

就克制那么一点点。

For the piece of you that pops up with some tension or resistance,

你可能会紧张，会抗拒，

let's lean into that and ask, why not?

我们来研究一下， 为什么你不愿意这么做呢？

What would happen? What would go wrong?

会发生什么呢？ 会搞砸什么呢？

Would things go wrong, the other shoe would finally drop,

会不会搞砸了， 一切尘埃落定了，

and it'd be all your fault?

然后所有的锅都由你来背？

Would you lose success?

你会失败吗？

Would you not have anything to talk about in conversation to feel worthy anymore?

你已经没有什么 有价值的东西和别人分享了吗？

Then let's practice some curiosity

我们来了解一下

around where you might have first adapted or learned this.

你是如何第一次 接触到或者产生这种心态的。

When it might have helped or protected you in life.

它也有可能在你的生活中 帮助或保护过你。

Did you learn early on you had to be perfect

你是不是从小就被教育 要做到完美，

to avoid shame or discipline?

不能丢脸，不能受罚？

Or when you were young,

你小时候

did you learn you had to be overly self-reliant,

有没有被教育要一切靠自己，

you had to take care of everything and everyone

你得照顾你身边的 所有事、所有人，

because your caretaker couldn't.

因为照顾你的人 根本不会这么做？

Or maybe later in life,

长大后，

in college,

读大学的时候，

did you learn it was worth sacrificing whatever you needed

你有没有不惜一切代价

to get that win or accolade,

只为取得胜利或者荣誉，

maybe to make up for not feeling accepted earlier in life?

或者弥补童年缺失的被接纳感？

See what it would be to speak to that part of yourself and say,

你可以对这部分的自己说：

"Thank you so much for making this adaptation.

“谢谢你让我变成了这样。

You helped me through such an important time,

你帮我度过了难关，

but right now, I don't need you to be on the clock all the time anymore.

但是我现在不需要你 时时刻刻待在我身边了。

I have a beautiful life that I've built with safety and stability,

我的生活很美好， 安全、稳定，

and I have people in my life that love me for who I am

我的生活中有人爱我这个人，

and not what I do.

而不是爱我的所作所为。

You can take a breather so I can to."

你可以休息一下了， 这样我也可以休息一下了。”

As you're ready,

等你准备好了，

just gently opening your eyes back up

请你轻轻睁开你的眼睛，

and coming back into the room with me.

回到我们的会场来。

Welcome back.

欢迎回来。

So part of that reflection activity

这个反思活动的一部分

is an example of what we would technically call

在专业上我们称之为

identifying our cognitive schemas.

“确立认知图式”。

Our cognitive schemas are essentially how our brain forms

认知图式是我们的大脑

all of our subconscious behaviors, patterns, thoughts and emotions

形成所有下意识行为、规律、 想法、情感的方式，

which our brain largely learns based on past experiences we've had.

我们的大脑基本上会基于 过往经验完成这个过程。

A majority of our subconscious schemas,

大部分的潜意识图式和行为

our behaviors, are formed and adapted early on in life,

都是在人生早期形成和调节的，

especially in childhood,

尤其是在童年，

because our brains are kind of blank slates.

因为那时我们的大脑 还是一张白纸。

We haven't experienced much of life yet,

我们还没有过什么人生经历，

so out of safety and efficiency,

于是出于安全和效率考虑，

our brain takes each big experience and wants to say,

我们的大脑会捕捉 每一个重大事件，分析

OK, this is what I did, these were the factors around,

这是我的行为， 这是相关因素，

this is what happened

这是事件的结果，

and therefore is how I should predict,

所以我以后都该这么预判，

I should feel, think and act from here on out."

我该有这种感觉、 这样思考、这么做。

And it puts that on autopilot into our subconscious.

然后我们的潜意识以后 就有了这样默认的执行方式。

This can be very beneficial, and it does keep us safe and efficient.

可能会很有帮助，而且确实 可以保证我们的安全和效率。

However, it can also become very outdated and unhealthy for us too,

但是，它也会逐渐过时， 逐渐危害我们的健康，

which is why it's so important to do this work.

所以进行这样的活动就 非常有必要。

Now, doing such work is not about saying,

进行这样的活动不代表

because a lot of our subconscious behaviors were formed in the past,

由于许多的潜意识行为 都是以前形成的，

that they're all invalid or wrong.

所以它们都是无效或者错误的。

What it is about doing is making sure we each do our own due diligence

我们需要做的是尽全力

to understand where the blueprint of our behaviors came from

去了解这些行为都是从哪里来的，

and ensure they're still relevant and productive to our current lives.

确保这些行为和我们现在的生活 依旧有关且能产生积极影响。

We update everything else important in our lives,

我们会不断更新 生活中其他重要的事物，

from our homes to our technology to our education.

比如我们的房子、科技、教育。

Why aren't we doing the same with our behaviors that affect our everyday?

那我们为什么不更新一下 这些会影响我们日常生活的行为呢？

Now I'm sure some of y'all might be asking,

肯定有人想问：

"OK, I thought we were talking about workplace burnout.

“我以为我们要谈工作过劳。

Why aren't we talking more about our workplaces and our employers?"

为什么不多说点 职场和雇主的事呢？”

Which is where I'll offer a little bit of a plot twist.

但是我现在还不想说这个。

Yes, when it comes to burnout,

没错，说到过劳，

our workplaces and employers do own a big part of the equation.

我们的职场和雇主 就是罪魁祸首之一。

However, what I find to be somewhat of an overlooked part

但是我发现 有一个被忽略的原因是

of the equation today

is what piece of the problem we individually own ourselves, too.

我们自身的一些“毛病”。

If I inherently have a tendency or a pattern to overwork

如果我就是个情不自禁 要过度工作的人，

or not be able to set boundaries

或者根本没有设定边界的能力，

no matter what workplace or organization I change.

那么跳槽到哪个公司 或者机构都是一样的。

If I never take accountability to drive my own internal change,

如果我没有下决心要改变自己，

then no matter what external change I make,

无论外部条件如何改变，

I will likely keep suffering from the same patterns

我还是会不断受到这样的折磨。

over and over again.

Now, all that being sad and all that being something I strongly believe in,

虽然我是这么说的， 这些也都是我所坚信的，

I am also a realist and I know that not all of us

但是我是个现实主义者， 我知道不是所有人

will be ready to do our own deep personal work yet.

都做好了深刻反省、 改过自新的准备。

So where else can we start on this topic?

那我们就这个话题 还能说些什么呢？

What else can we do?

我们还能做些什么呢？

I'll offer three smaller steps.

我可以给大家提供 三个小步骤。

First,

第一，

when you find yourself wanting to say "we're like family" around work

如果你想在公司或者机构说出

or organizations,

“我们就像是一家人”这种话，

try to get clearer in your communication

请你说明白一点，

and use language that has better boundaries.

用边界更清晰的表达方式。

As Brené Brown says,

布琳·布朗 (Brené Brown) 曾说：

"Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind."

“直截了当是行善。 含糊其辞是作恶。”

So if you find yourself wanting to say "We're like family,"

如果你想说 “我们就像是一家人”，

but you're really kind of asking for a favor,

但是你只是想求人帮个忙而已，

clarify that, say, "Hey, you know,

请你清楚地说：“嘿，

we actually need this deliverable a week sooner.

我们需要提早一周交付。

What can we do to achieve that?"

我们该做些什么呢？”

Or if you're just trying to communicate a value about your organization,

如果你想传达公司的价值观，

again, clarify the language and use boundaries.

还是一样，请使用清晰的 表达方式，设定边界。

Say, "It's a priority for our teams to feel trust and connection."

比如，“我们团队的当务之急 是感到相互信任、相互联结。”

Or, as my friend Trey, the CEO of Kronologic,

我的朋友特雷 (Trey)， Kronologic 公司的 CEO，

says to his team, he says,

他对他的团队说：

"We're not like a family;

“我们不像一家人。

we're like a professional sports team."

我们像一支专业的运动团队。”

It still infers that same warmth and camaraderie,

同样传达出了温暖和友爱，

but within the boundaries of a workplace.

但是没有越过职场的界限。

Now, when it comes to this topic,

说到这个话题，

it's not to say that you can't have deep,

我没有说你不能和同事

meaningful relationships from work,

建立深厚坚实的关系，

but it is to point out that we need to practice healthy boundaries

但是我想指出的是， 我们得建立健康的边界，

so that we can sustain healthy workplaces and relationships.

这样我们才能维持 健康的职场和同事关系。

The second tip I'll offer is to actually do the work

我想给出的第二个建议是

努力学习、构建起 对大家都有益的边界。

to learn and model healthy boundaries for one another.

If you are a people-pleaser who tends to overscope and overcommit,

如果你有讨好型人格， 总是越界、用力过猛，

try buying some time before you respond and commit.

那就在你作出回应和 撸起袖子开干之前停顿一下。

Say, "Hey, I need to evaluate this against my other priorities.

可以说：“嘿，我得看看 这排不排得进我的日程，

Can I get back to you by the end of the day?"

我下班之前告诉你可以吗？”

Give yourself some time for that behavioral change

给你自己争取一点 改变这种行为的时间，

instead of getting stuck in the same repetitive pattern.

而不是反复陷入循环。

When you're communicating boundaries,

在表明边界的同时，

clarify what you need and what the impact will be

说清楚你需要什么， 如果你的需求无法被满足，

if you don't get that need met.

会有什么后果。

Say, "If we need this product a month sooner,

比如：“如果你想 提早一个月拿到这个产品，

I'm going to need the help of two other people.

那就得有另外两个人来帮我。

Otherwise, the quality is really going to be at risk,

不然，质量就岌岌可危，

and we might either lose team members or customers."

我们就会失去 我们的同事或者客户。”

Remember that when you're communicating boundaries,

记住，在你表明界限的时候，

that's not a "me versus you" fight,

不是要建立对立关系，

but it's what we need to do to collectively come together

而是说清楚我们要合力做些什么事，

to resource ourselves, to sustain our organizations,

让我们自己有更多的资源， 让我们的公司、

workplaces and relationships.

职场和关系维持得更久。

我要给出的最后一个建议是

Last tip I will offer

is to see if you can find one way to empower mental health

在今年找到一个改善你自己

for yourself or others this year.

和他人心理健康的办法。

I will recognize that just when it comes to talking about mental, emotional health,

我发现，人们在谈到 自己的心理、情感健康、

our behaviors and our past, that can feel tender, personal.

行为、过往的时候 会感到柔软、私密。

But it can especially feel a little scary or stigmatized

但是说到和专家，如心理学家或 心理治疗师谈话，

when we are talking about working with experts

人们就会感到有点害怕或者羞耻。

like psychologist or psychotherapist.

I'll close here by offering a reframe in that thinking,

我就说到这里，在此给大家提供 一个看待这种情况的新视角，

a reframe in that stigma.

如何丢掉这种羞耻之感。

When it comes to any other important part of our lives,

在我们生活中的 其他重要部分遇到问题时，

we seek out experts.

我们会寻求专家的帮助。

When it comes to our physical health, we seek out doctors.

身体出问题时，我们会看医生。

Financial health, we seek out financial advisors.

财务健康出问题时， 我们会咨询财务顾问。

Why is it that when it comes to our mental health,

那么为什么 在心理健康出问题时，

we think we should take care of it on our own?

我们会觉得自己能一个人扛下来呢？

We would never look at a friend who's having a heart attack and be like,

朋友心脏病发作的时候， 我们不可能会说：

"You should really take care of that yourself,

“你自己治治吧，

otherwise you're kind of weak.

不然你也太废物了。

You should not need to go to the hospital."

去什么医院啊。”

Why is it that we think we can grow or develop our mental health

为什么我们会在大多数人 缺乏相关途径或教育的情况下，

when most of us don't have the tools or education to do so?

觉得自己可以增强、 改善我们的心理健康呢？

So today,

所以今天，

whether it is your propensity to burn out,

无论你有没有过劳的倾向，

your struggle with setting boundaries or something different,

有没有设定边界 或采取新方式的障碍，

I hope you can feel a little bit more free and empowered

我希望你感到自己 更自由了一点，更自主了一点，

to start building more meaning and sustainability into your life.

有能力让你的生活更有意义， 更细水长流。

Thank you for your time.

谢谢你的时间。

(Applause)

（掌声）