Work Is Not Your Family | Gloria Chan Packer | TED

譯者: 麗玲 辛 審譯者: Zoe Walmsley

"We're like family."

「我們就像一家人」

This is a phrase that's become quite popular in our places of work

這句話在職場很常聽到，

to try to make work feel a little less like this

讓我們覺得工作比較不像這樣，

and a little bit more like this.

而比較像這樣。

It's a phrase that started in the last decade or two

這句話一、二十年前開始出現，

to try to elicit feelings of warmth and belonging

試圖給人一種溫暖、歸屬感，

and really that "cool culture" vibe.

還有一種「酷文化」的氛圍。

The laid-back break rooms with beanbag chairs and the beer on tap

輕鬆悠閒的休息室中 有豆袋椅、供應生啤酒，

and those tight-knit teams that got through everything together

還有緊密合作的團隊，一起努力奮鬥，

like a family.

就像家人一樣。

It's a phrase that started with positive intent

這句話一開始立意良善，

and has had positive outcome.

也有相當的成效。

However, what's gone far less recognized and discussed

然而，比較少被注意到或討論的是：

is how calling work our family can actually be quite detrimental

把工作當成家庭極可能帶來傷害，

to our mental and emotional health without our knowing it.

危害我們的精神、心理健康， 而我們卻毫不自覺。

Which is why I'm here today to offer the reminder that work is not your family.

因此，我今天來此提醒大家： 工作不等同於家庭，

And to explore how this "cool culture" catchphrase often ends up

看看這個酷文化的流行語 又如何導致過勞。

breeding burnout instead.

My name is Gloria Chan Packer.

我是葛洛麗雅‧陳‧派克，

I am a mental wellness educator and an experienced corporate leader.

我從事精神健康教育， 本身也是資深企業領䄂。

In 2018, I founded a company called "Recalibrate"

2018 年我創立了一個公司， 叫「重新校準」，

to try to deliver workplace mental wellness services

提供職場精神健康服務──

that were more modern, accessible and science-backed.

除了更現代、簡單易懂、 同時也有科學根據。

Since that time,

從那時候開始，

I and my team have gotten to work with almost 20,000 employees

我們團隊已經跟世界各地 幾乎二萬名職員合作過。

all over the world.

Now, the reason this topic,

那，選擇這個主題的原因？

exploring how calling work our family can be problematic and breed burnout,

為什麼把工作與家庭畫等號 會有問題，甚至會導致過勞，

the reason it's important to me is because I've personally lived it.

原因對我來說很重要， 因為我親身經歷過。

Before we get into that, though,

不過，在講那之前，

let's first baseline by understanding why calling work our family

我們先談把工作當成家庭 會出問題的核心所在。

at its core can be problematic.

Doing so, psychologically infers a really big blur

把工作跟家庭畫等號， 會導致心理界線的模糊與喪失。

and betrayal in our boundaries.

Work and family are different entities with different goals,

工作與家庭是兩個不同的個體， 各有各的目標、期待與責任，

expectations and responsibilities,

and therefore should be separated and boundaried.

因此應該被分開、劃分清楚。

For example, I'm not going to be in the shower one day

舉例來說，如果我在洗澡時，

and notice a really weird mole on my pregnant belly

發現到我懷孕的肚皮上有顆奇怪的痣，

and roll into my boss's office like I would my mom and be like,

我不會跑去跟老闆辦公室， 用跟我媽講話的方式說：

"Hey, can you can you get in here and look at this?

「ㄟ，你過來看一下好不好？

This looks kind of weird. I'm freaked out."

這東西看起來很奇怪， 我該怎麼辦？……」。

A few of us are giggling or laughing,

你們有些人笑了，

but I'm sure a few of us, too, in our heads are like,

但我很確定有些人開始想：

"Oh, have I done something weird like that at work?

「啊？我有在公司做過類似的事嗎？

Have I crossed a boundary before?”

我的界線模糊了嗎？」

Boundaries are hard for a lot of us

對很多人來說，界線很難維持，

because many of us never learned boundaries.

因為大部分人沒學過界線的概念。

It's kind of a newer, buzzy phrase

這是個較新穎、時尚的詞，

that not many of us really have learned or defined before.

沒多少人認識或了解它的定義。

So let's start by defining what boundaries are

讓我們先從定義「界線」開始，

and why they're so important to our mental health.

以及界線對心理健康為什麼如此重要。

I like to think of boundaries as our ability to identify,

我喜歡把界線看成是一種能力，

communicate and take action on our needs.

在有需要時能夠 分辨、溝通、採取行動。

Being able to say, "I need to eat,"

例如：「我需要吃東西」、

"I need to rest," "I need some space right now."

「我需要休息」、 「我想要自己一個人靜一靜」。

Survival speaking, boundaries are critical for us as humans to be able to say,

就生存而言，界線對人類非常關鍵，

除了在必要時表達自身需求、 保護自己、取得資源；

"I need something," to be able to find safety and resourcing.

However, it can also be advantageous in certain situations

同時，界線也能幫我們 決定處理需求的順序。

to delay or deprioritize our needs too.

For example,

舉例來說，

if I'm a human back in the day, running away from a tiger,

假設我是上古時代的人， 正在拚命逃離虎口，

if I happen to be hungry,

可是我剛好肚子餓了，

it will, of course, be beneficial to delay that need for hunger

這時，先保住性命 再去找吃的絕對是好的，

until I'm safe again.

However, if, after the tiger has left and I'm safe,

然而，等到老虎走了，化險為夷，

I keep staying stuck and being scared of the tiger

我卻一直卡在那個害怕老虎的狀態，

and delaying my hunger and not eating,

忽略飢餓、進食的需求，

that becomes unhealthy too.

那就變得不健康了。

This shift of delaying our needs into the unhealthy without knowing it

這種不自覺地延後滿足需求 而變得不健康的狀態，

is where a lot of us find ourselves unknowingly stuck today.

正是現在許多人不知不覺陷入的狀況。

Somewhere in our lives we learned and adapted

生命中某時某地，我們學會、接受……

that repressing or sacrificing our needs for others was beneficial.

為大局壓抑或犧牲自身需求是好的。

But that became so auto-piloted in our subconscious

可是，一旦這個模式 在潛意識中變成慣性，

that it goes past the point of diminishing returns

超過報酬遞減的臨界點，

and becomes unhealthy.

就變得不健康了。

To where maybe we land into a workplace and we hear "we're like family"

甚至，在進入職場後， 聽到「我們就像一家人」，

and our brain just triggers into "give it everything no matter what."

大腦就自動切入 「不惜一切代價」的模式。

We sacrifice our boundaries, our time, our relationships,

我們捨棄界線、犧牲時間、人際關係，

and we start living life in these big swings of overworking to burnout.

開始過著瘋狂加班、身心俱疲的生活。

And maybe we rationally know that it's not the healthiest pattern in our life,

也許我們也清楚 那不是最健康的生活模式，

but we feel stuck.

但是無法自拔。

I get that.

我完全了解，

I've lived through that and sometimes still feel challenged with it.

因為我經歷過，現在偶爾還是會碰到。

You see, before I worked in mental wellness,

在我投入心理健康這行前，

you could argue that I worked in the opposite of mental wellness.

簡直可說是反其道而行。

I started my career in management and technology consulting,

我的第一份工作是管理與科技諮商，

spending almost a decade giving it my all.

過了將近十年不惜一切代價的生活。

I did the 80 to 100 hour billing weeks,

每週工作 80 到 100 小時，

the 100-plus fights a year, for years on end,

一年接一百多個案子，年年如此，

the early promotion chase

就為了早點升遷，

and didn't scale back on other parts of my life either.

但是生活的其他方面我也不放棄，

Still volunteered, went to my SoulCycle classes

我繼續做志工、上靈修課，

did brunch and late nights with my friends

跟朋友吃早午餐、玩到大半夜，

until my completely overscoped life turned into burnout cycle

直到這種完全透支的生活 變成身心俱疲的循環。

after burnout cycle.

In 2017, my brain and body hit a wall.

2017 那年，我的頭腦 跟身體終於筋疲力竭，

I started struggling with debilitating, chronic migraines

開始受到慢性偏頭痛折磨，

that, for me,

而那，對我來說……

meant that after months of no change

經過好幾個月毫無改善，

and no medication or treatment working,

所有藥物或療法都無效的情況下，

I knew I had to take at least a leave from work.

我知道我必須停止工作了。

And that was devastating for me

那對我來說是很大的打擊，

because work had really become my everything.

因為工作已經成為我的一切。

There is a memory that haunts me from that time.

當時有個場景我至今無法忘懷。

And it was the night before I was about to go on leave,

在我離職的那晚，

and I was just grabbing dinner with a friend and my husband.

我跟一個朋友、還有我先生一起吃飯，

And I said to my friend,

我跟我朋友說：

"Work is my entire worth and my identity.

「工作是我的所有, 我的一切，

I don't know what I'm going to do without it."

沒有工作，我還能做甚麼？」

And my husband's body language and face dropped

我先生一聽臉垮了下來， 身體像洩了氣的氣球，

in a way that I had never seen it.

我從未見過他那樣。

And after my friend left, I remember him saying to me,

在我朋友離開後，他跟我說：

"I can't believe that you think that work is your only worth

「我不認同你覺得工作 是你唯一有用的地方，

when I see so much more.

因為我看到的絕對不只那樣。

And I can't believe you can't see that either."

我更不敢相信的是，你竟然不知道！」

It's a poignant memory for me because I remember it feeling so true.

真的是很悲哀， 因為那個不捨如此真切。

可是我現在明白了。

And now I know it's not.

But it was a really rough period.

雖然當時真是難過了一陣子。

It's such an important one in my life because it gave me the opportunity

那段時間其實是生命的一個轉捩點，

讓我有機會審視自己的心理健康，

to do my own mental health work

and understand where these burnout behaviors had come from for me,

去明白為何搞到自己身心俱疲，

so that now I could grow into being able to discern

讓自己有能力去分辨──

when those behaviors are healthy or unhealthy.

哪些行為是健康的，哪些不是。

For me, where those behaviors started and were adopted

在我身上，那些行為模式 從開始出現，到變成習慣，

is that I grew up learning that I needed to be perfect

是因為我從小就覺得自己必須要完美，

and to people please and be the best at everything

讓所有的人滿意，把每件事做到最好，

so that I could get myself out of a situation

這樣我才不會讓自己陷入一個境地，

that I felt like I otherwise wouldn't be able to make it through.

讓自己覺得好像失敗了。

For me,

在我身上，

that perfectionism and people-pleasing was so critical to that point in my life.

完美主義、得到認同變得如此重要，

But then when I just put it on autopilot,

重要到我不假思索啟動那個模式，

it went way past the point of diminishing returns

一直運作到邊際報酬轉為遞減，

and often became unhealthy for me.

而且開始危害我的健康。

That's my story.

這那是我個人的經驗。

Let's spend some time getting to know yours.

現在我們來花點時間看一下你的。

I'm going to invite you to do a little bit of reflection activity with me

我想請你一起來沉思一下，

as you're comfortable,

先舒服地坐著，

if you can all just close your eyes wherever you are.

看你在哪裡，可以的話， 請把眼睛閉起來。

And with your eyes closed,

眼睛閉上後，

I'm going to ask you to start to bring to mind a part of you

請你開始思考你是否在某方面

常會不知不覺就做過頭、

that tends to overwork,

to be a perfectionist or a people-pleaser,

想做到完美、想讓眾人滿意，

struggles to set boundaries.

從而失守界線。

請你想像一下，

When I ask what it would be like

if you tone that part of you back a little.

假如你能把那一部份的你 稍微地調一下下，

Just let that go a little.

稍微地放下一點，

For the piece of you that pops up with some tension or resistance,

這時如果另一部分的你跳出來反對，

let's lean into that and ask, why not?

那就自問：有何不可？

What would happen? What would go wrong?

會怎樣呢？會出問題嗎？

Would things go wrong, the other shoe would finally drop,

即使預期的問題真的發生了，

and it'd be all your fault?

那全都是你的錯嗎？

Would you lose success?

過去的成就就一筆勾消嗎？

Would you not have anything to talk about in conversation to feel worthy anymore?

聊天時，除了工作， 沒有其它存在價值可聊嗎？

Then let's practice some curiosity

那麼，讓我們再深入問自己，

around where you might have first adapted or learned this.

回頭看看你從何時開始有這些想法，

When it might have helped or protected you in life.

或許當時對你是好的，甚至保護了你。

Did you learn early on you had to be perfect

是否很小就學到做到 100% 就不會沒面子或被處罰？

to avoid shame or discipline?

Or when you were young,

或者從很小的時候，

did you learn you had to be overly self-reliant,

就知道自己必須非常獨立，

you had to take care of everything and everyone

所有的事得自己來、照顧所有人， 因為沒有父母長輩照顧你？

because your caretaker couldn't.

Or maybe later in life,

或者，更大一點，

in college,

在大學時，

did you learn it was worth sacrificing whatever you needed

學會放棄某些需求

to get that win or accolade,

去換取更值得的勝利或榮譽，

maybe to make up for not feeling accepted earlier in life?

彌補生命早期的匱乏？

See what it would be to speak to that part of yourself and say,

試著跟那一部份的你談判，跟他說：

"Thank you so much for making this adaptation.

「謝謝一路以來的照顧、因應，

You helped me through such an important time,

幫我渡過一些重要時刻，

but right now, I don't need you to be on the clock all the time anymore.

但現在，我不再無時無刻地需要你了，

I have a beautiful life that I've built with safety and stability,

我已經有一個安全、穩定的生活，

and I have people in my life that love me for who I am

身邊充滿許多愛我的人，

and not what I do.

他們愛的是我，不是我的工作。

You can take a breather so I can to."

你可以休息了，我也要休息一下。」

As you're ready,

好，現在如果準備好了，

just gently opening your eyes back up

慢慢地睜開雙眼，

and coming back into the room with me.

回到這裡。

Welcome back.

歡迎回來！

So part of that reflection activity

剛才那個思考活動其中有一部份

is an example of what we would technically call

是所謂的辨識「認知基模」的例子。

identifying our cognitive schemas.

Our cognitive schemas are essentially how our brain forms

認知基模基本上是

大腦如何產生我們下意識的 行為、習慣、思想與情緒，

all of our subconscious behaviors, patterns, thoughts and emotions

which our brain largely learns based on past experiences we've had.

絕大部分是奠基於我們過去的經驗，

A majority of our subconscious schemas,

絕大部份的潛意識基模，

our behaviors, are formed and adapted early on in life,

以及我們的行為都在生命初期形成，

especially in childhood,

特別是童年時期，

because our brains are kind of blank slates.

因為那時大腦就像一張白紙，

We haven't experienced much of life yet,

生活經歷也很少，

so out of safety and efficiency,

出於安全及效率考量，

our brain takes each big experience and wants to say,

我們的大腦會把每個重大經驗記下，

OK, this is what I did, these were the factors around,

像是：「OK，我做了……， 週遭的因素……，

this is what happened

發生了……， 之後我應該可以這樣預測，

and therefore is how I should predict,

I should feel, think and act from here on out."

我的感覺、想法、反應 應該就是……。」，

And it puts that on autopilot into our subconscious.

像在潛意識加裝自動導航模式。

This can be very beneficial, and it does keep us safe and efficient.

這麼做的好處是安全又有效率。

However, it can also become very outdated and unhealthy for us too,

不過，也很可能因為過時而不健康，

which is why it's so important to do this work.

因此，辨識認知基模就很重要。

Now, doing such work is not about saying,

不過，做這個辨識並非是因為

because a lot of our subconscious behaviors were formed in the past,

過去形成的潛意識行為 已經不合用或者不對；

that they're all invalid or wrong.

What it is about doing is making sure we each do our own due diligence

如此做是要確認是否盡責

to understand where the blueprint of our behaviors came from

去發現自己的行為藍圖從何而來，

and ensure they're still relevant and productive to our current lives.

是否符合現階段的生命，是否有效。

We update everything else important in our lives,

我們隨時更新生命中許多重要的東西，

from our homes to our technology to our education.

從住家、科技、到教育，

Why aren't we doing the same with our behaviors that affect our everyday?

對影響日常生活的行為模式， 為什麼不也如此做呢?

Now I'm sure some of y'all might be asking,

我相信此刻你們有些人可能在想：

"OK, I thought we were talking about workplace burnout.

「OK，我們不是在談工作過勞嗎？

何不多談談職場跟雇主呢?」

Why aren't we talking more about our workplaces and our employers?"

Which is where I'll offer a little bit of a plot twist.

這正是我接下來要講的劇情轉折。

Yes, when it comes to burnout,

沒錯，講到工作過勞，

our workplaces and employers do own a big part of the equation.

我們的職場與雇主 的確佔了很重要的一部分。

However, what I find to be somewhat of an overlooked part

然而，我發現有個 現今常被忽略的部份卻是……

of the equation today

is what piece of the problem we individually own ourselves, too.

我們個人可以掌控的部份。

If I inherently have a tendency or a pattern to overwork

假如我本身就有過度工作的 傾向或行為模式，

or not be able to set boundaries

或者無法釐清界線，

no matter what workplace or organization I change.

那無論換到甚麼工作都一樣。

If I never take accountability to drive my own internal change,

假如我從不確實由內去改變自己，

then no matter what external change I make,

那無論我改甚麼外在因素，

I will likely keep suffering from the same patterns

結果可能是一再地 重複同樣的行為模式。

over and over again.

Now, all that being sad and all that being something I strongly believe in,

剛才所說的是我個人深信的， 我是個很實際的人，

I am also a realist and I know that not all of us

知道並非每個人都準備好 去面對深層的自己。

will be ready to do our own deep personal work yet.

So where else can we start on this topic?

那我們該從何處著手？ 我們能做什麼呢？

What else can we do?

I'll offer three smaller steps.

我可分享三個小撇步。

First,

首先，

when you find yourself wanting to say "we're like family" around work

每當你發現自己在公司 想講「我們就像一家人」時，

or organizations,

try to get clearer in your communication

請試著用更明確的溝通方式，

and use language that has better boundaries.

使用定義明確的字詞。

As Brené Brown says,

如同布芮尼‧布朗所說的：

"Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind."

「清楚是體貼的；模糊是不友善的。」

So if you find yourself wanting to say "We're like family,"

一旦發現自己想說 「我們就像一家人」去求助時，

but you're really kind of asking for a favor,

clarify that, say, "Hey, you know,

請很明確地說重點，例如：

「嘿，我們需要提早一週出貨， 大家可以幫忙嗎？」

we actually need this deliverable a week sooner.

What can we do to achieve that?"

Or if you're just trying to communicate a value about your organization,

又或者，當你試圖溝通 企業組織的價值觀，

again, clarify the language and use boundaries.

一樣，請用清晰易懂的語言， 同時也設定界線，

Say, "It's a priority for our teams to feel trust and connection."

例如，「我們團隊首要目標是 相互信任、緊密連結。」

Or, as my friend Trey, the CEO of Kronologic,

或者，像我的朋友特雷， Kronologic 的總裁，

says to his team, he says,

對他的團隊說，

"We're not like a family;

「我們不像一家人；

we're like a professional sports team."

我們像職業運動團隊。」

It still infers that same warmth and camaraderie,

這個說法一樣能激發 同樣的溫情及同志情誼，

but within the boundaries of a workplace.

但多了職場界線。

Now, when it comes to this topic,

職場界線的概念，

it's not to say that you can't have deep,

並不是說你不能與同事 建立深刻、有意義的關係，

meaningful relationships from work,

but it is to point out that we need to practice healthy boundaries

而是點出我們必須練習， 設立健康的界線，

so that we can sustain healthy workplaces and relationships.

才能擁有健康的職場人際關係。

The second tip I'll offer is to actually do the work

我要提供的第二個建議是：

努力學習、塑造出 一個健康的人際界線。

to learn and model healthy boundaries for one another.

If you are a people-pleaser who tends to overscope and overcommit,

假如你每每為了讓眾人滿意， 而過度投入、過度承諾，

try buying some time before you respond and commit.

試著不要太快回應或承諾，

Say, "Hey, I need to evaluate this against my other priorities.

你可以說：「我得先看一下 待辦事項的優先順序，

Can I get back to you by the end of the day?"

下班前回覆你好嗎？」

Give yourself some time for that behavioral change

給自己一些時間去改變，

instead of getting stuck in the same repetitive pattern.

而不是一直卡在相同的行為模式。

When you're communicating boundaries,

當你在溝通界線時，

clarify what you need and what the impact will be

把目標說得很清楚， 及如果沒有達成的後果。

if you don't get that need met.

Say, "If we need this product a month sooner,

例如，「如果要讓這個產品 提早一個月上市，

I'm going to need the help of two other people.

我會需要兩個人幫忙，

Otherwise, the quality is really going to be at risk,

不然，品質恐怕會受影響，

and we might either lose team members or customers."

結果會失去合作夥伴或顧客。」

Remember that when you're communicating boundaries,

請記得，當你在溝通界線時，

that's not a "me versus you" fight,

那不是「你 vs. 我」之爭， 而是大家必須一起努力，

but it's what we need to do to collectively come together

to resource ourselves, to sustain our organizations,

尋找資源、維持組織、 職場及關係的運作。

workplaces and relationships.

Last tip I will offer

最後一個撇步是：

is to see if you can find one way to empower mental health

看你能否找到讓自己 或他人心理更健康的方法。

for yourself or others this year.

I will recognize that just when it comes to talking about mental, emotional health,

我知道要談到自身的心理健康、 情緒、行為及過去，

our behaviors and our past, that can feel tender, personal.

可能會讓人覺得脆弱或太隱私。

But it can especially feel a little scary or stigmatized

有時甚至讓人感到恐懼或羞恥──

when we are talking about working with experts

尤其是跟心理學家 或心理治療師之類的專家。

like psychologist or psychotherapist.

I'll close here by offering a reframe in that thinking,

演講尾聲我想分享一個新的思考模式，

a reframe in that stigma.

如何解構那個羞恥感。

When it comes to any other important part of our lives,

生活中很多重要的東西，

we seek out experts.

我們會找專家幫忙。

When it comes to our physical health, we seek out doctors.

身體健康出問題，我們會去看醫生。

財務發生問題，我們會找財務顧問。

Financial health, we seek out financial advisors.

Why is it that when it comes to our mental health,

那為什麼講到心理健康，

we think we should take care of it on our own?

我們卻認為那得自己來？

我們從不會對發生心臟病的朋友說：

We would never look at a friend who's having a heart attack and be like,

"You should really take care of that yourself,

「你真該處理你心臟的問題，

otherwise you're kind of weak.

那麼軟弱……

根本就不用去醫院的。」

You should not need to go to the hospital."

為什麼我們覺得心理健康可以自己來？

Why is it that we think we can grow or develop our mental health

尤其絕大部份的人欠缺相關的知識？

when most of us don't have the tools or education to do so?

So today,

所以，今天，

whether it is your propensity to burn out,

不論你是否有過勞的傾向，

your struggle with setting boundaries or something different,

還是很難劃清界線、 或者有其他棘手問題，

I hope you can feel a little bit more free and empowered

我祝你更自由、更強大，

to start building more meaning and sustainability into your life.

打造一個更有意義、 不斷向前邁進的生活。

Thank you for your time.

謝謝你的聆聽！

(Applause)

（掌聲）