Lessons from Losing My Mind | Andy Dunn | TED

翻译人员: Shuli Hu 校对人员: Coco Shen

When I was 20, I was the Messiah.

我20岁的时候，我就是弥赛亚 （注：弥赛亚是希伯来语，意为救世主）

For about a week.

只做了一周的弥赛亚。

And for those of you who haven't had the privilege of being the Messiah,

对于你们这些从未有幸做过弥赛亚的人来说

I have to tell you something.

我来告诉你们一些事

It is awesome.

非常酷

(Laughter)

（观众笑声）

Imagine, you are the person that's going to save the world,

想象一下， 你即将拯救世界

bring peace on Earth,

将和平带到这个地球

and no one knows it yet but you.

除了你所有人都不知道

I arrived as the second coming my senior year of college.

我大四那年的感受 就像耶稣降临一样

New Year's Eve, 1999.

那是1999年的新年夜

After a night of partying, I came to a stunning conclusion.

在晚上派对结束后， 我有了一个惊人的结论

I was Jesus 2.0.

我就是耶稣2.0版

For the next 100 hours, I couldn't eat,

在接下来的100个小时里，

I couldn't sleep,

我不能吃，不能睡

but I did spend a fair amount of time preaching my gospel

花了大量时间在埃文斯顿市的汉堡王

at the Burger King in Evanston.

去传播福音

Turns out, though -- and this may be a disappointment to my supporters --

结果是，这可能让我的支持者失望-

that I was in fact not the Messiah.

我事实上不是弥赛亚

I was just a 20-year-old Midwestern kid

我只是一个躁狂发作的

having a manic episode

生活在中西部20岁的小孩儿

later diagnosed as a symptom of bipolar disorder type I.

之后被诊断有双相障碍Ⅰ型的症状

And it was very much not awesome for my family and my friends.

这对我家人和朋友来说并不酷

And so what exactly is a manic episode?

那么，到底什么是躁狂症呢

Typical symptoms include a lack of sleep,

典型症状包括睡眠需求减少

grandiosity, relentless optimism,

过度自信或夸大，情绪高涨

high-risk behaviors,

有冲动或鲁莽行为

racing speech

言语急迫

and ideas that are seen as delusional.

有一些狂妄的想法

Does that remind you of anyone?

这让你想到某些人了吗？

(Laughter)

（观众笑声）

Because it sounds to me like an entrepreneur having a good day.

因为这听起来 就像个状态较好的创业家

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And in fact, it is estimated

事实上，经过预估

that three percent of all of us have bipolar.

我们中大约有3%的人有双相型障碍

A staggering number in its own right.

确实是一个惊人的数字

For entrepreneurs, that number is 11 percent.

对于创业者来说，这个占比是11%

And at the intersection ...

而这两部分相交中..

Hi, mom, that’s me.

Hi 老妈，我就是其中一个

The best of both worlds.

我两头都占了

And it's not just bipolar.

而且不仅仅是双相情感障碍

According to a study from the University of California at San Francisco,

根据加州大学旧金山分校的一个研究

entrepreneurs also over-index in ADHD,

创业者中，患注意缺陷与多动障碍 的占比也是破表的

in depression and in substance use.

还有抑郁症和药物滥用

And maybe this correlation between neurodiversity and innovation

或许在神经多样性和创新的相关程度上

shouldn't surprise us.

我们不该吃惊

After all, to be an entrepreneur is to conjure things that aren't real yet.

毕竟成为一名企业家 就是变出一些还不是真实存在的东西

That sort of invention, that sort of vision

那种发明，那种远见

requires more than a little bit of magical thinking.

需要更多一点的神奇思维

A vision that might seem fantastical to others at first

一种起初看起来对其他人来说是幻想

is later deemed to be obvious,

后来就被认为是显而易见的远见思维

like, say, flying through the air in a huge metallic capsule

比如，在一个巨大的金属胶囊里

at 30,000 feet and 575 miles an hour.

以时速为30000英尺， 每小时575英里飞行

For me, that vision -- get ready for it -- was pants.

对于我来说，这个远见—— 准备好了——就是裤子

(Laughter)

（观众笑声）

It's always been pants.

一直都是裤子

OK, well, not exactly.

好吧，也不全是

My vision was one for a world

我的远见是这个世界是一个可以

where brands would be built internet-first.

创立以互联网为主的品牌

And so in 2007, I cofounded a menswear e-commerce company called Bonobos.

所以在2007年，我与人共同 创立了叫Bonobos的男装电子商务公司

Now I know what you might be thinking.

现在我知道你可能在想什么了

Selling pants online is not that remarkable of a vision.

在网上卖裤子不是什么了不起的远见。

But in 2007, it was improbable.

但是在2007年，那是不可能的事情

Think about it.

想一想

Amazon was barely focused on fashion,

那时亚马逊还没有关注时尚

Apple had only just launched the iPhone.

苹果也才刚刚发布iPhone手机

Mobile commerce and the App Store were just a twinkle in the eye.

移动商城和APP应用 仅仅只是一个小小闪光

Facebook didn't have an ad platform.

Facebook也没有广告平台

That's, by the way, where you acquire customers for a digital brand.

顺便说一句，那是一个 数字品牌获客的主要地方

And essential tools for digital storytelling,

也是用数字讲故事的必要工具

like Instagram and TikTok, didn't even exist.

像Instagram和TikTok还不存在呢

Instagram was three years away from being created,

那时离Instagram出现还要三年时间

and TikTok was nine years away.

离TikTok出现还有九年

Maybe that was a good thing at the time.

或许在那个时候，这是一个好事

Every venture capitalist we pitched said the same thing:

我们接触的每一位风险投资家 都说了同样的话：

"You guys are crazy."

“你们疯了吧”

Which is an interesting word choice, if you think about it in this context.

如果你在现在的背景下 思考这话是很有趣的

Against these odds, over the next decade

在接下来的十年里，克服这些困难

we went on to raise 100 million in venture capital,

我们从风险投资那里筹集了1亿资金

to sell over a million pairs of pants,

卖出超过一百万条裤子

to invent an inventory-free retail store and open 60 of those,

创造了一个零库存的零售店， 并开了60个这样的店，

creating ultimately over 500 jobs.

最终创造了超过500个岗位

The company was acquired a decade after founding

公司在创立十年后

by the world's largest retailer by revenues,

被世界最大的零售商按收益收购

itself in its own process of digital transformation,

它在它自己的数字化转型过程中

for over 300 million.

盈利超过3亿

Building any brand now in internet-first is commonplace.

当下在互联网上创立品牌是一个常见的事情

It's table stakes.

是桌上的赌注

It's obvious.

是显而易见的

Maybe it wasn't so crazy after all.

或许这也没那么疯狂

But there was a dark side to this success.

但这一成功也有不为人知的一面

Friends and mentors and other business leaders warned me

朋友和导师，还有其他商业领袖也警告过我

that the entrepreneurial journey was filled with dramatic mood swings,

创业之旅是充满了戏剧性的情绪波动，

highs and lows.

有高潮有低谷

They even call startups what?

他们甚至称初创公司为什么？

A roller coaster.

过山车

And so my bipolar disorder was cloaked,

所以我的双相情感障碍也被掩盖了，

not as symptoms of an illness or a condition,

不是关于疾病方面的症状

but symptoms of a job.

而是指工作的症状

I cycled through a couple of mood states.

我经历了几个情绪状态

Dizzyingly productive periods of hypomania,

在轻狂躁期，效率惊人

a misunderstood [mood] state that is a diluted form of mania

这种淡化了狂躁症是一种被误解的情绪状态

without the telltale psychosis that leads to a diagnosis of bipolar I,

没有明显的精神病症状 很少导致人们想到是双相情感障碍症

but all of the increased energy and creativity

但是所有高涨的精力和创造力

and ideation and joie de vivre

还有构思能力和享受生活乐趣

and burning the candle at both ends.

像是两端在燃烧的蜡烛

You can get a lot done when you’re hypomanic.

在轻狂躁期你可以完成很多事情

Alternating with devastating periods of depression.

与之相随的，就是巨大的抑郁时期出现

For me, both mild and severe,

对我来说，无论是轻度还是重度

often 50 or 100 days at a time,

经常每50天或者100天出现一次

catatonic, can't get out of bed, disappearing on the team,

患了紧张症似的，不能起床， 从团队里消失

unable to go to work.

完全不能够工作

Sometimes undesiraous of living.

有时候对生活失去了欲望

And all of it was amplified by what was happening at work.

所有的这些都被工作中发生的事情放大了

A gutting co-founder divorce,

联合创始人离婚

a rotating door of executive turnover,

高管的交替更换

maddening and expensive flights

令人抓狂的昂贵机票

into shiny new objects and distracting ideas,

到一个崭新的项目和令人眼花缭乱的想法

often driven by hypomania,

都经常被轻狂躁症支配

and a whopping cash flow burn rate that at times reached five million dollars

以及惊人的现金流消耗率， 有时达到500万美元

a month.

一个月

It's hard to do, actually, but but we did it.

这非常难，实际上，但我们做到了

(Laughter)

（观众笑声）

And all of it boiled over in 2016.

这一切在2016年开始爆发

I was leading a team of 400 people

我当时带领一个超过400人的团队

when the mania that I hadn't experienced

那时我还没有经历过狂躁症

since I was preaching the gospel at Burger King when I was 20

自从我20岁在汉堡王传福音

came raging back.

这次来势汹汹

In a manic episode at my New York apartment,

一次狂躁症发作在我纽约的公寓里

I rose from my bed, literally howling at the moon,

我从床上爬起来，对着月亮大声嚎叫

convinced I was the president

深信我自己是总统

and Batman,

也是蝙蝠侠

which is actually a high-potential combination, if you think about it.

如果你仔细想想 这确实是一个有潜力的组合

(Laughter)

（观众笑声）

And then the darkness really set in.

之后黑暗降临了

I smashed my fist into a glass window pane.

我把拳头砸进玻璃窗

And worst of all, I struck my now-wife, Manuela,

最糟糕的是，我还打了我的妻子， 曼努埃拉

and pushed and kicked her mother, Leni,

还推搡倒地并踢了她的妈妈，伦恩

to the ground as they tried to protect me,

当时她们是试图保护我

to prevent me from running naked into the streets of Greenwich Village.

阻止我裸体跑到格林威治村的街上

When I saw ...

当我看到

When I saw Leni two weeks later,

当我两周后看到伦恩

I thought it would be for the last time.

我以为这将是最后一次

And instead, she put her hand on my hand

然而，她却把她的手放到我的手上

and she said something I’ll never forget,

她说了一句我永远不会忘记的话，

and something I hope all of you never forget.

也是我希望你们永远不要忘记的话

She said, "Andy, this is just like any chronic physical illness.

她说“安迪，这就像任何慢性的身体疾病一样

All you have to do is see your doctor and take your medication.

你所要做的就是去看医生并服用药物

And if you do,

如果你这么做了

and if Manuela wants to stay with you, then you have my blessing."

如果曼努埃拉想要和你在一起， 那么你会得到我的祝福”

And I started crying, as you might imagine.

正如你想的，我开始哭起来

And Manuela did stay with me.

曼努埃拉确实和我在一起了

But her love and commitment came with conditions.

但是她的爱和承诺是有条件的

It was our rabbi who told us on our wedding day

那是我们的拉比在结婚那天告诉我们的

that the only unconditional love on the planet

这地球上唯一无条件的爱

is that between parent and child,

是父母和孩子之间的

which was a disappointing thing to hear on my wedding day.

这在婚礼上听到确实让人挺失望的

(Laughter)

（观众笑声）

I thought, you know, I was headed for the unconditional love thing.

我认为，你知道的，我是向往无条件的爱

He said all other forms of love are conditioned.

他说所有其他形式的爱都是有条件的

They are conditioned upon each of us treating each other well,

这些条件是基于我们每个人都要善待对方，

which requires accountability and boundaries,

这需要我们有责任心和边界感

conditioned upon an honest and transparent exchange of information and feelings,

这些条件是基于诚实 和无所保留的信息和感觉

which requires disclosure and feedback,

这需要我们公开和及时反馈

and conditioned upon each of us, individually,

以及这些条件是基于我们每一个个体

doing all in our power to be well,

尽我们所能做到最好

which requires initiative and self care.

这需要我们积极主动和自我照顾的能力

And this is not just in our personal lives.

这不仅仅是在我们个人生活中

It's also at work.

在工作中也是一样

Now, Manuela and I are married with a two-year-old.

现在曼努埃拉和我已经结婚 并有一个两岁的孩子了

(Applause)

（鼓掌）

He's not two in that photo.

在这个照片里他没有两岁

That would be a very small two-year-old.

两岁的孩子显然不止这么小

(Laughter)

（观众笑声）

And look, some days that feels like a miracle.

看，有些日子，感觉像是奇迹

From where I was to now, it feels like a miracle.

从我那时到现在，感觉像是奇迹

And while Manuela's love is a miracle

当然曼努埃拉的爱也是奇迹

and Isaiah’s existence, his very existence, is a miracle,

以及以赛亚的存在， 他的存在本身就是一个奇迹

my getting well was not a miracle.

我的康复并非奇迹

It was very hard work and it still is.

这是一个非常难的事情，现在依然如此

So I have got, and I'm proud to say,

但我做到了，并且可以骄傲地说

an Olympic regimen of mental hygiene and mental fitness.

是奥林匹克精神卫生和心理健康养生法

Let me play it to you.

让我展开说说

I see a psychiatrist two to three times a week

我每周见两到三次精神科医生

for a 45-minute therapy session.

进行45分钟的治疗

Now, you would think therapy once a week is enough.

现在，你可能认为一周一次就够了

But for me, I want my doctor to lay eyes on me every 72 hours

但对于我来说，我想让医生 每72小时就能看到我一次

so he can assess my mood.

所以他就可以及时评估的情绪

I've got five different medications that I take.

我服用了五种不同的药物

One every day and the other four we titrate up and down

其中一种药每天服用， 其他四种需要用滴定法测量

depending on where I am.

取决于我的状态

And then I've got a relentless focus on sleep,

然后我开始坚持不懈地专注于睡眠

because sleep is for me, certainly, with bipolar,

因为睡眠对于我来说，当然， 有着双相情感障碍的人

a leading or a lagging indicator of mood.

是一个情绪高低的指标

And by the way, that might be all of us.

顺便说一下，这对我们所有人来说都是一样

And so every morning, the first thing I do

所以，每天早上，我做的第一件事是

is I send a Fitbit sleep report to a WhatsApp group

我发一个Fitbit睡眠报告到WhtasApp小组

that includes my doctor, my wife

小组里有我的医生，我的妻子

and the three people who have endured this with me the longest:

以及和我一起忍受这一切最久的三个人：

My mom, Usha, my dad, Charlie, and my sister Monica.

我的妈妈，乌莎，我的爸爸， 查理和我的姐姐，莫妮卡

Here it is.

就是这个

Every morning, this is my statement of life.

每个早晨，这是我生命的宣言

And what is it?

这是什么呢？

It is a daily reminder to never forget what's possible.

这是每日提醒我绝不要忘记什么是可能的

For all of our strengths have shadows, don't they?

我们所有的力量都有阴影，不是吗

It doesn't take a lot of brainpower to bring to mind other entrepreneurs,

对于其他创业者，领导者或者那些有远见的人

leaders and visionaries

不需要花费过多的脑力去想

who have caused great harm to themselves and others.

到底谁给我们自己和其他人 带来了巨大的伤害

Even society at large.

即使社会也在逃避

And so what do we do?

所以，我们要做些什么呢？

We admire their strengths.

我们承认他们的力量

We even lionize them as individuals.

我们甚至把他们奉为个体

But their shadows we ignore.

但是我们忽略了他们的阴影

And we do so at our individual and collective peril.

我们这么做会给我们个人和集体带来危险

I would know

我知道

because for 16 years I ignored mine

因为这16年我忽略了自己

at great cost to myself and others.

给我自己和其他人带来了巨大的损失

Why did I do that?

我为什么这么做呢

Because I didn’t want to “be bipolar.”

因为我不想“成为一个双相情感障碍的人”

That's what we say of people who have bipolar.

这也是我们对那些双相情感障碍的人说的

We don’t say someone “is cancer.”

我们不会说某人“是癌症”

We say they have it.

我们会说他们有癌症

That's a first step to helping our friends

这是我们帮助朋友的第一步

and our loved ones and our colleagues,

或者我们爱的人和我们同事

not by conflating their illness or condition with their identity,

不把他们的疾病和身份混为一谈

but by acknowledging it as just a part of their life story

而是承认它使我们生活的一部分

and then helping them confront it.

然后帮助他们面对它

At work, I think therapy should be more or less mandatory

在工作中，我认为对领导团队的人来说，

for people who lead teams.

治疗或多或少应该是强制性的。

Second chances for unethical leaders should require great consideration.

对于不道德领导者，是否给与 二次机会应该得到充分考虑

Assholes should just straight up no longer be accommodated.

不再够再容纳那些混蛋

(Applause)

（鼓掌）

Boards need to step up.

董事会需要加强

And all of us,

对于我们来说

we need to raise our hands when we're not well

当我们感觉不好的时候需要举起手

and then seek and secure the help we need.

然后寻求并确保是我们所需要的帮助。

I have been unbelievably lucky.

不可置信我是多么的幸运

My family, old and new, stuck by me.

我的家人，新的和旧的，都和我在一起

My board stuck by me,

我的董事会和我在一起

my executive team stuck by me.

我的高层团队也和我在一起

And I have access to wildly good health care.

我得到了超乎想象的好的健康关怀

I love my psychiatrist.

我爱我的治疗师

I call him my most expensive friend.

我称呼他为我最昂贵的朋友

(Laughter)

（观众笑声）

And I have -- and how many people have you heard this from --

我有--有多少人听过这句

I have medication that actually works.

我有吃药并且真的有用

Because of all that,

因为这些，

all that support and all that scaffolding,

这些所有的支持和所有的帮助

I am able to live and love and work with bipolar I.

我能够带着双相情感障碍 去生活，去爱，去工作

This shouldn't be a matter of luck.

这不应该是运气的问题

(Applause)

（鼓掌）

And so I've got one more crazy idea.

我现在有了一个疯狂的想法

Maybe my craziest idea of all.

或许是我最疯狂的想法

We need to make mental health care fundamentally acceptable.

我们需要让心理健康护理从根本上被接受。

Actually --

在实际上--

(Applause)

（鼓掌）

Hang on, this whole thing is going to land great.

等一下，这整个事情走向非常好

Actually affordable and universally accessible.

在实际上可以负担得起， 而且可以随时获得

Look, I want us to be delusional sometimes.

看，我希望我们有时候有妄想症

I want to be delusional sometimes.

我有时想有妄想症

I want people whose brains work differently,

我希望那些大脑想法不同的人，

like mine does and like yours might,

像我的和你的或许就不同

to be able to dream crazy dreams,

但能够去想象疯狂的想法

to share crazy thoughts,

去分享这些疯狂的想法

and God willing or universe willing,

在上帝的意愿或者宇宙的意愿中

bring those dreams to life.

把这些疯狂的想法带到生活中

But we have to keep ourselves in check, don't we?

但我们必须要保证我们自己在控制中，对吧？

After all, only messiahs are all-knowing.

最后，只有弥赛亚是全知的

And entrepreneurs are not gods.

创业者不是神

Even when we think we are.

即使我们以为我们是

We will be better humans,

我们会是最好的人类

building a better future together,

去一起建造最完美的未来

when we take stock not just of how we change the world,

我们不仅要盘点我们如何是改变世界的

but how we treated each other and ourselves along the way.

也要评估在这一过程中 我们是如何对待彼此和我们自己的

And the president and Batman both agree.

最后，总统和蝙蝠侠都会赞同的

(Laughter)

（观众笑声）

Thank you.

谢谢

(Applause)

（鼓掌）