Lessons from Losing My Mind | Andy Dunn | TED

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Coco Shen

When I was 20, I was the Messiah.

我二十歲時，我是 彌賽亞（救世主）。

For about a week.

當了大約一星期。

And for those of you who haven't had the privilege of being the Messiah,

如果你還沒有榮幸能當彌賽亞，

I have to tell you something.

我得告訴你一件事。

It is awesome.

當彌賽亞超讚的啦。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Imagine, you are the person that's going to save the world,

想像一下，你是將來 會拯救世界的人，

bring peace on Earth,

會帶給地球和平，

and no one knows it yet but you.

且除了你之外都還沒有人知道。

I arrived as the second coming my senior year of college.

我大四的時候，第二次回歸 地球（指基督復臨）。

New Year's Eve, 1999.

那是 1999 年的除夕。

After a night of partying, I came to a stunning conclusion.

狂歡了一晚之後， 我得到了驚人的結論，

I was Jesus 2.0.

我是耶穌 2.0。

For the next 100 hours, I couldn't eat,

接下來的一百小時，我無法吃東西。

I couldn't sleep,

我無法睡覺，

但我確實花了不少時間，

but I did spend a fair amount of time preaching my gospel

在艾文斯頓的漢堡王講傳我的福音。

at the Burger King in Evanston.

Turns out, though -- and this may be a disappointment to my supporters --

不過，結果發現——

我的支持者可能會失望——

that I was in fact not the Messiah.

我其實並非彌賽亞。

I was just a 20-year-old Midwestern kid

我只是個二十歲的中西部孩子，

having a manic episode

躁狂發作，

later diagnosed as a symptom of bipolar disorder type I.

後來被診斷為第一型躁鬱症的症狀。

And it was very much not awesome for my family and my friends.

對我的家人和朋友而言， 這一點也不讚。

And so what exactly is a manic episode?

所以躁狂發作到底是什麼？

Typical symptoms include a lack of sleep,

典型的症狀包括缺乏睡眠、

grandiosity, relentless optimism,

浮誇、

不屈不撓的樂觀、

high-risk behaviors,

高風險行為、

racing speech

說話超快，

and ideas that are seen as delusional.

以及似乎是妄想的想法。

Does that remind you of anyone?

這些特徵有讓你想起誰嗎？

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Because it sounds to me like an entrepreneur having a good day.

因為我覺得聽起來 很像是心情好的企業家。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And in fact, it is estimated

事實上，據估計，

that three percent of all of us have bipolar.

我們之中有 3% 的人有躁鬱症。

A staggering number in its own right.

令人震驚的數字。

For entrepreneurs, that number is 11 percent.

企業家之中則有 11%。

And at the intersection ...

在那交會之處……

Hi, mom, that’s me.

嗨，媽，那是我。

The best of both worlds.

兩全其美。

And it's not just bipolar.

且不只是躁鬱症。

According to a study from the University of California at San Francisco,

根據加州大學舊金山 分校的一項研究，

entrepreneurs also over-index in ADHD,

企業家也有較高的比例會有過動症、

in depression and in substance use.

憂鬱，以及物質濫用。

And maybe this correlation between neurodiversity and innovation

也許我們不應該太驚訝神經多樣性 和創新之間有這樣的相關性。

shouldn't surprise us.

After all, to be an entrepreneur is to conjure things that aren't real yet.

畢竟，企業家要做的

就是要變出還不存在的事物。

That sort of invention, that sort of vision

那種發明、那種遠景，

requires more than a little bit of magical thinking.

需要的不只是一點點的神奇思維。

A vision that might seem fantastical to others at first

一開始被別人視為空想的遠景，

is later deemed to be obvious,

後來被當作理所當然。

like, say, flying through the air in a huge metallic capsule

比如，在巨型金屬膠囊中飛行，

at 30,000 feet and 575 miles an hour.

時速五百七十五英里， 高度三萬英尺。

For me, that vision -- get ready for it -- was pants.

對我來說，那遠景—— 準備好聽我說——

是褲子。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

It's always been pants.

一直都是褲子。

OK, well, not exactly.

好啦，也不盡然。

My vision was one for a world

我的遠景是要建造 一個以網路為主的品牌世界，

where brands would be built internet-first.

And so in 2007, I cofounded a menswear e-commerce company called Bonobos.

因此，2007 年，我共同創辦了 一家男裝電子商務公司，

叫做 Bonobos。

Now I know what you might be thinking.

我知道各位可能在想，

Selling pants online is not that remarkable of a vision.

在網路上賣褲子並不是 什麼了不起的遠景。

But in 2007, it was improbable.

但在 2007 年，那是不太可能的。

Think about it.

想想看，亞馬遜還不太重視時尚，

Amazon was barely focused on fashion,

Apple had only just launched the iPhone.

蘋果才剛推出 iPhone，行動商務

Mobile commerce and the App Store were just a twinkle in the eye.

和 App 商店還只是種構想。

Facebook didn't have an ad platform.

臉書還沒有廣告平台，

That's, by the way, where you acquire customers for a digital brand.

順道一提，廣告平台是 數位品牌獲取客戶的地方。

And essential tools for digital storytelling,

而以數位方式說故事的重要工具，

like Instagram and TikTok, didn't even exist.

如 IG 和抖音，根本還不存在。

Instagram was three years away from being created,

三年後才有 IG，九年後才有抖音。

and TikTok was nine years away.

Maybe that was a good thing at the time.

也許那在當時是好事。

Every venture capitalist we pitched said the same thing:

我們不論向哪位風險投資家 提案，都得到同樣的回應：

"You guys are crazy."

「你們瘋了。 」

Which is an interesting word choice, if you think about it in this context.

仔細想想，在這個情境中 選用這個詞還挺有趣的。

Against these odds, over the next decade

不顧這些困難，

在接下來十年我們繼續募得了 一億美金的創投資本，

we went on to raise 100 million in venture capital,

to sell over a million pairs of pants,

賣了超過一百萬件褲子，

to invent an inventory-free retail store and open 60 of those,

發明了無庫存的零售商店， 並開了六十家店。

creating ultimately over 500 jobs.

最終創造了超過五百個工作機會。

The company was acquired a decade after founding

創立十年後，這間公司被收購，

by the world's largest retailer by revenues,

買方是世界上 營收最高的零售商，

itself in its own process of digital transformation,

它正在經歷數位轉型，

for over 300 million.

成交價超過三億美金。

Building any brand now in internet-first is commonplace.

現今，建立網路優先的品牌

是很常見的事，

It's table stakes.

是最基本的，是理所當然的。

It's obvious.

Maybe it wasn't so crazy after all.

也許到頭來並沒有那麼瘋狂。

But there was a dark side to this success.

但這成功也有黑暗的一面。

Friends and mentors and other business leaders warned me

朋友、導師，和其他 企業領導人都警告過我，

that the entrepreneurial journey was filled with dramatic mood swings,

創業旅程中會滿是劇烈的情緒波動，

highs and lows.

有起有落。

They even call startups what?

新創公司甚至被稱為什麼？

A roller coaster.

雲霄飛車。

And so my bipolar disorder was cloaked,

所以我的躁鬱症被掩蓋住了，

not as symptoms of an illness or a condition,

不再是一種疾病的症狀，

but symptoms of a job.

而成了這份工作的症狀。

I cycled through a couple of mood states.

我在幾種心情狀態中不斷循環。

Dizzyingly productive periods of hypomania,

超有生產力到讓人 頭暈目眩的輕躁狂時期，

a misunderstood [mood] state that is a diluted form of mania

是種被誤解的心情狀態，

一種較輕微的躁狂症狀，

without the telltale psychosis that leads to a diagnosis of bipolar I,

沒有明顯的精神病症狀，因此 無法被診斷為第一型躁鬱症。

but all of the increased energy and creativity

但有各種提升的能量、創意、

and ideation and joie de vivre

觀念構成、生活愉悅，

and burning the candle at both ends.

以及蠟燭兩頭燒。

處於輕躁狂狀態時 可以完成許多事情。

You can get a lot done when you’re hypomanic.

Alternating with devastating periods of depression.

會交互出現的是讓人 心力交瘁的憂鬱時期。

For me, both mild and severe,

就我來說，有輕微的也有嚴重的，

often 50 or 100 days at a time,

一次持續大概五十或一百天，

catatonic, can't get out of bed, disappearing on the team,

會很緊張、

無法起床、從團隊中消失、

unable to go to work.

無法去工作，

Sometimes undesiraous of living.

有時根本不想活下去。

And all of it was amplified by what was happening at work.

而工作上發生的狀況 只會更放大這一切：

A gutting co-founder divorce,

讓人心痛的共同創辦人分道揚飆、

a rotating door of executive turnover,

主管階層人員不斷更迭、

maddening and expensive flights

讓人發狂且昂貴的投資，

into shiny new objects and distracting ideas,

投入閃亮的新計畫 和讓人分心的想法，

often driven by hypomania,

通常背後的動力是輕度躁狂，

and a whopping cash flow burn rate that at times reached five million dollars

還有巨額的現金流失，流失速度

在當時達到每個月五百萬美金。

a month.

It's hard to do, actually, but but we did it.

這其實很難辦到，但我們做到了。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And all of it boiled over in 2016.

這一切在 2016 年到達高峰。

I was leading a team of 400 people

我當時領導的團隊有四百人，

when the mania that I hadn't experienced

從我二十歲時在漢堡王講傳福音之後

since I was preaching the gospel at Burger King when I was 20

就沒有經歷過的狂躁

came raging back.

翻雲覆雨地回來了。

In a manic episode at my New York apartment,

我在紐約的公寓裡狂躁發作，

I rose from my bed, literally howling at the moon,

我從我的床上起來， 真的是對著月亮嗥叫，

convinced I was the president

深信我是總統，

and Batman,

以及蝙蝠俠，

which is actually a high-potential combination, if you think about it.

仔細想想，這個組合還蠻有潛力的。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And then the darkness really set in.

接著黑暗才真正降臨。

I smashed my fist into a glass window pane.

我用拳頭猛擊玻璃窗戶，

And worst of all, I struck my now-wife, Manuela,

最糟糕的是，我打了 我現在的妻子瑪努艾拉，

and pushed and kicked her mother, Leni,

還推了、踢了她的母親雷妮，

to the ground as they tried to protect me,

讓她們摔倒在地， 她們只是試著保護我，

to prevent me from running naked into the streets of Greenwich Village.

預防我裸體跑到格林威治村的街上。

When I saw ...

當我見到……

When I saw Leni two weeks later,

兩週後，當我見到雷妮，

I thought it would be for the last time.

我以為那會是最後一次了。

And instead, she put her hand on my hand

她反而把她的手放到我的手上，

and she said something I’ll never forget,

她說的話我永遠不會忘記，

and something I hope all of you never forget.

我也希望各位永遠不會忘記。

She said, "Andy, this is just like any chronic physical illness.

她說：「安迪，這就只是像 所有的身體慢性疾病一樣。

All you have to do is see your doctor and take your medication.

你需要做的就只有

看醫生、吃藥。

And if you do,

如果你這麼做，

and if Manuela wants to stay with you, then you have my blessing."

且如果瑪努艾拉想要留在你身邊，

那我會祝福你。」

And I started crying, as you might imagine.

各位應該可以想像，我開始哭泣。

And Manuela did stay with me.

瑪努艾拉確實留在我身邊。

But her love and commitment came with conditions.

但她的愛和承諾是有附加條件的。

It was our rabbi who told us on our wedding day

在我們結婚的那天， 我們的拉比告訴我們，

that the only unconditional love on the planet

世界上只有一種無條件的愛，

is that between parent and child,

是父母和子女間的愛，

which was a disappointing thing to hear on my wedding day.

在婚禮上聽到這種話 還挺讓人失望的。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I thought, you know, I was headed for the unconditional love thing.

我本來以為我正在 邁向無條件的愛情。

He said all other forms of love are conditioned.

他說，所有其他形式的 愛都是有條件的。

They are conditioned upon each of us treating each other well,

它們的條件包括我們雙方 要好好對待彼此，

which requires accountability and boundaries,

這就需要負責任和界線，

conditioned upon an honest and transparent exchange of information and feelings,

條件還包括雙方能誠實、 透明地交流資訊和感受，

which requires disclosure and feedback,

這就需要公開分享和回饋。

and conditioned upon each of us, individually,

條件還包括雙方各自盡力 讓自己保持在良好狀態，

doing all in our power to be well,

which requires initiative and self care.

這就需要主動和自我照顧。

And this is not just in our personal lives.

不只是指個人的私生活，

It's also at work.

在工作上亦是如此。

Now, Manuela and I are married with a two-year-old.

現在瑪努艾拉和我是夫妻， 我們有個兩歲的孩子，

(Applause)

（掌聲）

He's not two in that photo.

照片中的他不是兩歲。

That would be a very small two-year-old.

兩歲小孩沒那麼小隻。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And look, some days that feels like a miracle.

有些時候，那感覺就像是奇蹟。

From where I was to now, it feels like a miracle.

從以前的我，

到現在的我，感覺就像是奇蹟。

And while Manuela's love is a miracle

雖然瑪努艾拉的愛是奇蹟，

and Isaiah’s existence, his very existence, is a miracle,

以賽亞的存在本身也是奇蹟，

my getting well was not a miracle.

但我變好並不是奇蹟。

It was very hard work and it still is.

而是非常多的努力， 且至今仍然在努力。

So I have got, and I'm proud to say,

我可以很驕傲地說，我擁有

an Olympic regimen of mental hygiene and mental fitness.

心理衛生及心理健康的 奧運級養生之道。

Let me play it to you.

讓我說給大家聽。

I see a psychiatrist two to three times a week

我每週要看精神病醫生兩到三次，

for a 45-minute therapy session.

每次的治療時間為四十五分鐘。

Now, you would think therapy once a week is enough.

你可能會覺得一週治療一次就夠了。

But for me, I want my doctor to lay eyes on me every 72 hours

但對我來說，我希望 我的醫生盯著我，

每七十二小時就評估一次 我的心情如何。

so he can assess my mood.

I've got five different medications that I take.

我要吃的藥物有五種。

One every day and the other four we titrate up and down

有一種天天吃，

另外四種則根據 我的狀況來調整劑量。

depending on where I am.

And then I've got a relentless focus on sleep,

接著我還要持續不斷關注我的睡眠，

because sleep is for me, certainly, with bipolar,

因為對我這種有躁鬱症的人，睡眠是

a leading or a lagging indicator of mood.

情緒的主要或次要指標。

And by the way, that might be all of us.

順道一提，這可能適用於所有人。

And so every morning, the first thing I do

所以，每天早上我做的第一件事

is I send a Fitbit sleep report to a WhatsApp group

就是發送 Fitbit 的睡眠報告 到一個 WhatsApp 群組，

that includes my doctor, my wife

群組成員有我的醫生、我的妻子， 和三個忍受我這狀況最久的人：

and the three people who have endured this with me the longest:

My mom, Usha, my dad, Charlie, and my sister Monica.

我的母親烏莎、我的父親查理， 和我的姐姐莫妮卡。

Here it is.

就是這個。

Every morning, this is my statement of life.

每天早上，這就是我的人生宣言。

And what is it?

這是什麼？

It is a daily reminder to never forget what's possible.

這是每天給我自己的提醒： 不要忘記有什麼可能性。

For all of our strengths have shadows, don't they?

所有的優點都有陰暗面，不是嗎？

It doesn't take a lot of brainpower to bring to mind other entrepreneurs,

不用花太多腦力就能 想到其他一些企業家、

leaders and visionaries

領導人物，和有遠見的人，

who have caused great harm to themselves and others.

都曾經對自己及他人 造成重大的傷害，

Even society at large.

甚至傷害到整個社會。

And so what do we do?

而我們怎麼做？

We admire their strengths.

我們欣賞他們的優點，

We even lionize them as individuals.

我們甚至將他們個人捧為名人，

But their shadows we ignore.

但我們卻忽略他們的陰暗面。

And we do so at our individual and collective peril.

我們這麼做，對我們個人 和集體都是有害的。

I would know

這我很清楚，

because for 16 years I ignored mine

因為十六年來我都忽略我的陰暗面，

at great cost to myself and others.

我自己和他人都付出重大的代價。

Why did I do that?

我為什麼那麼做？

Because I didn’t want to “be bipolar.”

因為我不想「是躁鬱的」。

That's what we say of people who have bipolar.

我們都說患有躁鬱症的人 「是躁鬱的」。

We don’t say someone “is cancer.”

我們不會說某人「是癌症的」，

We say they have it.

我們說他「患有癌症」。

That's a first step to helping our friends

若要踏出第一步

去協助我們的朋友、家人，和同事，

and our loved ones and our colleagues,

not by conflating their illness or condition with their identity,

要做的是別把他們的疾病 和他們的身分混淆在一起，

but by acknowledging it as just a part of their life story

要承認那只是他們 人生故事的一部分，

and then helping them confront it.

並協助他們面對它。

At work, I think therapy should be more or less mandatory

在工作上，我認為或多或少 都應該要讓領導團隊的人

for people who lead teams.

接受心理治療，

Second chances for unethical leaders should require great consideration.

若要給不道德的領導者第二次 機會，那一定要好好考慮，

Assholes should just straight up no longer be accommodated.

若是渾蛋，就直接不要再容忍。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

Boards need to step up.

董事會需要採取行動。

And all of us,

而我們所有人，

we need to raise our hands when we're not well

我們不好的時候，需要舉手承認，

and then seek and secure the help we need.

接著尋求和取得我們需要的協助。

I have been unbelievably lucky.

我的運氣好到難以置信。

My family, old and new, stuck by me.

我的舊家庭、新家庭都挺我。

My board stuck by me,

我的董事會也挺我。

my executive team stuck by me.

我的主管團隊也挺我。

And I have access to wildly good health care.

且我還能取得相當好的健康照護。

I love my psychiatrist.

我愛我的精神病醫生，

I call him my most expensive friend.

我稱他為我最昂貴的朋友。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And I have -- and how many people have you heard this from --

且我有——你聽過多少人這樣說——

I have medication that actually works.

我有真正有用的藥物。

Because of all that,

因為所有這些，

all that support and all that scaffolding,

所有這些支持和所有這些支撐，

I am able to live and love and work with bipolar I.

我才能帶著第一型躁鬱症 去生活、去愛人、去工作。

This shouldn't be a matter of luck.

這不應該是運氣的問題。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

And so I've got one more crazy idea.

所以我還有一個瘋狂的想法，

Maybe my craziest idea of all.

也許是我的想法中最瘋狂的。

We need to make mental health care fundamentally acceptable.

我們需要讓心理健康照護

從根本上就是可接受的，

Actually --

真正——

(Applause)

（掌聲）

Hang on, this whole thing is going to land great.

稍等一下，這整段會結得很棒——

Actually affordable and universally accessible.

真正平價，

且所有人都能取得。

Look, I want us to be delusional sometimes.

聽著，我希望大家 有時都能妄想一下，

I want to be delusional sometimes.

我有時也想妄想一下。

I want people whose brains work differently,

我希望大腦運作方式不同的人，

比如我，在座可能也有一些，

like mine does and like yours might,

to be able to dream crazy dreams,

能夠去做瘋狂的夢，

to share crazy thoughts,

分享瘋狂的想法，

and God willing or universe willing,

且，如果上帝願意或宇宙願意的話，

bring those dreams to life.

實現那些夢。

But we have to keep ourselves in check, don't we?

但我們得自我約束，對吧？

After all, only messiahs are all-knowing.

畢竟，

只有彌賽亞才是全知的。

And entrepreneurs are not gods.

而企業家不是神。

Even when we think we are.

即使有些自認是。

We will be better humans,

我們可以成為更好的人，

building a better future together,

同心協力建造更好的未來，

when we take stock not just of how we change the world,

要做到這些，除了審視 我們如何改變世界，

but how we treated each other and ourselves along the way.

也要審視在過程中 我們如何對待彼此及自己。

And the president and Batman both agree.

總統和蝙蝠俠都認同。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）