How revenge porn turns lives upside down | Darieth Chisolm

148,456 views ・ 2018-11-14

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Please double-click on the English subtitles below to play the video.

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I had about five minutes before I was set to deliver a talk
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to a bunch of business owners
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about visibility and being on camera.
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After all, I was the so-called expert there,
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the former 20-year television news anchor and life and business coach.
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I happened to take a look down at my cell phone just to catch the time,
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and I noticed that I had a missed call from my ex-husband.
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I can still hear his voice.
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"Darieth, what is going on?
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I just got a call from some strange man who told me to go to this website,
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and now I'm looking at all of these photos of you naked.
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Your private parts are all over this website.
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Who's seen this?"
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I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe.
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I was so humiliated and so embarrassed and so ashamed.
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I felt like my world was coming to an end.
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And yet, this began for me months of pain and depression
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and anger and confusion and silence.
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My manipulative, jealous, stalker ex-boyfriend
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did exactly what he said he would do:
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he put up a website with my name on it,
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and he posted this.
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And this.
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And several explicit photos
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that he had taken of me while I was asleep,
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living with him in Jamaica.
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For months prior to that, he had been sending me
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threatening text messages like this.
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He was trying to make me out to be some sleazy, low-life slut.
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He had even threatened to kill me.
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He told me that he would shoot me in my head and stab me in my heart,
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simply because I wanted to end the controlling relationship.
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I couldn't believe this was happening to me.
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I didn't even know what to call it.
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You might know it as cyberharassment or cyberbullying.
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The media calls it "revenge porn."
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I now call it "digital domestic violence."
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It typically stems from a relationship gone bad,
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where a controlling, jilted ex-lover can't handle rejection,
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so when they can't physically put their hands on you,
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they use different weapons: cell phones and laptops.
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The ammunition?
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Photos, videos, explicit information, content -- all posted online,
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without your consent.
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I mean, let's face it -- we all live our lives online.
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And the internet is a really small world.
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We show off our baby photos,
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we start and grow our businesses, we make new relationships,
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we let the world in, one Facebook like at a time.
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And you know what I found?
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An even smaller world.
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One in 25 women say they have been impacted by revenge porn.
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For women under the age of 30, that number looks like one in 10.
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And that leaves a few of you in this audience as potential victims.
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You want to know what's even more alarming?
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Lack of legislation and laws to adequately protect victims
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and punish perpetrators.
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There's only one federal bill pending;
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it's called the ENOUGH Act, by Senator Kamala Harris.
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It would criminalize revenge porn.
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But that could take years to pass.
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So what are we left with in the meantime?
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Flimsy civil misdemeanors.
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Currently, only 40 states and DC have some laws in place for revenge porn.
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And those penalties vary -- we're talking $500 fines.
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Five hundred dollars?
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Are you kidding me?
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Women are losing their jobs.
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They're suffering from damaged relationships
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and damaged reputations.
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They're falling into illness and depression.
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And the suicide rates are climbing.
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You're looking at a woman who spent 11 months in court,
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thirteen trips to the courthouse
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and thousands of dollars in legal fees,
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just to get two things:
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a protection from cyberstalking and cyberabuse,
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otherwise known as a PFA,
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and language from a judge
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that would force a third-party internet company
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to remove the content.
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It's expensive, complicated and confusing.
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And worse, legal loopholes and jurisdictional issues drag this out
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for months,
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while my private parts were on display for months.
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How would you feel if your naked body was exposed for the world to see,
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and you waited helplessly for the content to be removed?
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Eventually, I stumbled upon a private company
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to issue a DMCA notice to shut the website down.
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DMCA -- Digital Millennium Copyright Act.
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It's a law that regulates digital material and content.
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Broadly, the aim of the DMCA is to protect both copyright owners and consumers.
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So get this:
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people who take and share nude photos own the rights to those selfies,
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so they should be able to issue a DMCA to have the content removed.
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But not so fast --
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because the other fight we're dealing with
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is noncompliant and nonresponsive third-party internet companies.
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And oh -- by the way,
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even in consenting relationships,
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just because you get a nude photo or a naked pic,
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does not give you the right to share it,
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even [without] the intent to do harm.
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Back to my case,
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which happens to be further complicated
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because he was stalking and harassing me from another country,
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making it nearly impossible to get help here.
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But wait a minute -- isn't the internet international?
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Shouldn't we have some sort of policy in place
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that broadly protects us, regardless to borders or restrictions?
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I just couldn’t give up; I had to keep fighting.
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So I willingly, on three occasions,
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allowed for the invasion of both my cell phone and my laptop
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by the Department of Homeland Security and the Jamaican Embassy
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for thorough forensic investigation,
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because I had maintained all of the evidence.
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I painstakingly shared my private parts with the all-male investigative team.
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And it was an embarrassing, humiliating additional hoop to jump through.
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But then something happened.
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Jamaican authorities actually arrested him.
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He's now facing charges under their malicious communications act,
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and if found guilty, could face thousands of dollars in fines
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and up to 10 years in prison.
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And I've also learned that my case is making history --
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it is the first international case under this new crime.
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Wow, finally some justice.
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But this got me to thinking.
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Nobody deserves this.
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Nobody deserves this level of humiliation
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and having to jump through all of these hoops.
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Our cyber civil rights are at stake.
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Here in the United States, we need to have clear, tough enforcement;
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we need to demand the accountability and responsiveness from online companies;
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we need to promote social responsibilities for posting, sharing and texting;
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and we need to restore dignity to victims.
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And what about victims
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who neither have the time, money or resources to wage war,
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who are left disempowered, mislabeled and broken?
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Two things:
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release the shame and end the silence.
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Shame is at the core of all of this.
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And for every silent prisoner of shame,
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it's the fear of judgment that's holding you hostage.
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And the price to pay is the stripping away of your self-worth.
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The day I ended my silence, I freed myself from shame.
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And I freed myself from the fear of judgment
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from the one person who I thought would judge me the most --
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my son,
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who actually told me,
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"Mom, you are the strongest person that I know.
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You can get through this.
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And besides, mom -- he chose the wrong woman to mess with."
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(Laughter)
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(Applause)
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It was on that day that I decided to use my platform
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and my story and my voice.
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And to get started, I asked myself this one simple question:
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Who do I need to become now?
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That question, in the face of everything that I was challenged with,
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transformed my life and had me thinking about all kinds of possibilities.
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I now own my story, I speak my truth,
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and I'm narrating a new chapter in my life.
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It's called "50 Shades of Silence."
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It's a global social justice project,
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and we're working to film an upcoming documentary
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to give voice and dignity to victims.
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If you are a victim or you know someone who is, know this:
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in order to be empowered, you have to take care of yourself,
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and you have to love yourself.
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You have to turn your anger into action,
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your pain into power
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and your setback into a setup for what's next for your life.
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This is a process, and it's a journey of self-discovery
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that might include forgiveness.
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But it definitely requires bravery, confidence and conviction.
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I call it:
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finding your everyday courage.
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Thank you.
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(Applause)
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