Why I Gave My Teenage Daughter a Vibrator | Robin Buckley | TED

翻译人员: Sarah Liu 校对人员: Sophia Ye

Six years ago,

六年前，

when my older daughter was 13, I bought her a vibrator.

当我的大女儿13岁的时候， 我给她买了一个振动棒。

(Cheers and applause)

（欢呼和掌声）

I'm done. OK.

我完了。好的。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

It wasn't something I planned on doing.

这不是我打算做的事情。

I mean, I knew eventually my daughters would need bras and tampons, maybe braces,

我的意思是，我知道我的女儿们最终 会需要胸罩和卫生棉条，也许是牙套，

but a vibrator was not on the list.

但是振动器不在清单上。

So why did I do it?

那我为什么要这么做呢？

Before I explain why, I want to acknowledge

在我解释原因之前， 我想承认

that I might have made some of you a little uncomfortable

我可能让一些人感到 有些不舒服

or a lot uncomfortable.

或非常不舒服。

So before I explain why, I want to ask you a question.

所以在我解释原因之前， 我想问你一个问题。

Why are we more comfortable talking about female pain --

为什么我们 谈论女性的痛苦 ——

things like period cramps,

比如经期抽筋、

breast cancer, birthing pains,

乳腺癌、分娩痛、

miscarriages and sexual assault --

流产和性侵犯 ——

than we are talking about female pleasure?

比谈论女性的快感更舒服？

Why does a vibrator make us uncomfortable

为什么振动器会让 我们感到不舒服

but Viagra does not?

但伟哥却不会？

(Cheers and applause)

（欢呼和掌声）

Getting my daughter a vibrator started me on a journey

给我女儿买个振动棒让我 踏上了思考增强

of thinking about the importance of empowering teenage girls,

少女权能的重要性的旅程，

helping them to learn about their bodies

帮助她们了解自己的身体，

and gain a sense of ownership of their bodies,

获得对自己身体的 主人翁感，

including embracing their right to pleasure.

包括拥抱 快乐的权利。

This is one reason that my own daughters encouraged me to include their stories

这是我自己的女儿们鼓励我 在这次演讲中加入她们的故事

in this talk.

的一个原因。

So I'm going to talk to you today about sex,

所以我 今天要和大家谈谈性，

specifically in regards to our teenage daughters.

特别是关于我们十几岁 的女儿的性问题。

I know we don't like to think about our teenagers having sex

我知道我们不喜欢 考虑我们的青少年发生性行为，

and because of societal double standards, especially our girls.

也因为社会的双重标准， 尤其是我们的女孩。

But here's why we need to have this conversation,

但这就是为什么我们需要 进行这样的对话，

as uncomfortable as it may make us.

尽管这可能会让 我们感到不舒服。

Girls typically develop a desire for sexual contact

女孩通常 在11至14岁

between the ages of 11 and 14.

之间产生性接触的欲望。

Between the ages of 15 and 19,

在15至19岁之间，其中

42 percent of them have had vaginal and/or oral sex.

42％的人 有过阴道和/或口交。

Through the cell phones right in their back pockets,

通过后口袋里的手机，

57 percent of girls and 84 percent of boys

57% 的女孩和 84% 的男孩

between the ages of 14 and 18

在 14 到 18 岁之间

have watched pornography through Pornhub and hundreds of similar sites.

通过Pornhub和数百个类似 网站观看了色情内容。

So if you have a kid in high school,

因此，如果你有一个 孩子在读高中，

it isn't a question of if they'll watch porn before they graduate,

那不是他们是否会在毕业之前看 色情片的问题，

but more likely, when.

而是更有可能在 什么时候看。

This means that a lot of our kids are getting their sex education

这意味着我们的许多孩子 都在接受性教育，

and trying to figure out what's normal from pornography.

并试图从色情内容中弄清楚 什么是正常的。

To illustrate why we can’t leave our kids alone to navigate this sexual terrain,

为了说明为什么我们不能让孩子 一个人去探索这个性爱领域，

I want to share a story with you.

我想和你分享一个故事。

Several years ago,

几年前，

I worked with an incredibly intelligent 14-year-old girl,

我和一个非常 聪明的14岁女孩一起工作，

helping her manage her overall life stressors.

帮助 她管理生活中的整体压力。

During one session, she asked if she could ask me a question about sex.

在一次会议中，她 问能否问我一个关于性的问题。

She said that she was confused about the bases

她说她对基地 感到困惑，

and wondered if it was really true that second base was anal sex.

想知道二垒是肛交 是否真的。

(Audience murmurs)

（观众喃喃自语）

I was as shocked as you are.

我和你一样震惊。

And yes, when I asked her, she did know what anal sex is.

是的，当我问她的时候， 她确实知道什么是肛交。

She had gotten her information from watching a few porn clips

她是通过观看朋友们

her friends had showed her

在学校自习室

during study hall at school.

给她看的几段色情片段中 获得信息的。

Thankfully, because of the trusting relationship she had with me,

值得庆幸的是，由于她与 我的信任关系，

she was able to have this misconception corrected

她得以纠正这种 误解，缓解了对此

and her anxiety about it relieved.

的焦虑。

With her permission, I was also able to loop her mom in on the conversation

在她的允许下，我还 能够让她妈妈参与谈话，

so she could be a resource for her daughter.

这样她就可以成为女儿 的资源。

I've worked hard to cultivate this type of relationship with my own daughters.

我一直在努力与自己的女儿 建立这种关系。

So when my 13-year-old said,

所以当我 13 岁的孩子说：

“Mom, can I ask you a question?” ...

“妈妈，我能问你一个问题吗？”...

kid speak for "be prepared for anything,"

这是孩子的说法，意味着 “为任何事情做好准备”，

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I listened.

我听了。

Which is why, sitting at a stoplight on a summer morning,

这就是为什么在夏日的早晨，

my daughter felt comfortable telling me she had started to masturbate

我女儿坐在红绿灯前， 告诉我她已经开始自慰了，甚至愿意

and was even willing to share with me what she was using to do so.

和我分享她用 什么来自慰。

This is how I learned that she was masturbating in a way

我就是这样得知她以一种 对身体不安全的方式

that was not safe for her body.

自慰的。

And so, in a span of one red light,

所以，在一盏红灯之间，

I decided to buy my daughter a vibrator.

我决定给我女儿买一个振动棒。

I wanted to support her in the safe exploration of her body

我想支持她 安全地探索自己的身体，

instead of burying my head in the sand,

而不是选择逃避， 这对于让我们感到

which is so tempting to do as parents with things that make us uncomfortable.

不舒服的事情来说， 作为父母是非常诱人的。

When it comes to sex,

在性方面，

we all need to become trusted resources for our kids.

我们都需要成为孩子 值得信赖的资源。

They need to be comfortable coming to us with questions

他们需要乐于向 我们提问，

and know they will get straight answers.

并知道他们会得到直接的答案。

And while this is certainly true in regards to accurate information,

虽然在准确的信息 方面确实如此，但

sometimes it's also about giving them the appropriate tool.

有时也要为 他们提供适当的工具。

When we talk about girls knowing and exploring their bodies,

当我们谈论女孩 认识和探索自己的身体时，

it's easy to get uncomfortable.

很容易感到不舒服。

But girls becoming familiar with their bodies is about health.

但是女孩熟悉自己的身体 与健康息息相关。

Masturbation helps girls reduce stress,

手淫可以帮助女孩减轻压力，

ease headaches and alleviate cramps associated with their periods.

缓解头痛并缓解与月经 相关的抽筋。

When girls explore their bodies,

当女孩探索自己的身体时，

they learn how their bodies feel when they are healthy,

她们会了解自己健康 时的身体感受，

which also helps them recognize changes and potential problems.

这也有助于她们识别变化 和潜在的问题。

They have to touch their bodies to know their bodies.

他们必须触摸自己的身体 才能知道自己的身体。

This became clear to me

这一点对我变得清晰，

when I was working with one of my adult clients

当我在她被诊断出 第四阶段乳腺癌后，

after her diagnosis with stage four breast cancer.

与我一位成年客户 一起工作时。

As we discussed her prognosis, she said to me,

当我们讨论她的预后 时，她对我说，

"Robin, if I'd only done my breast checks,

“罗宾，如果我只做乳房检查，

maybe I would have caught it sooner.

也许我会早点发现的。

Maybe I wouldn't be dying."

也许我不会死。”

But my client had been raised believing that touching herself was inappropriate.

但是我的委托人从小就 认为触摸自己是不恰当的。

On the few occasions she did a breast check,

有几次 她做乳房检查，

she didn't know what was typical,

她不知道什么是典型的，

and she rushed through them feeling embarrassed.

她冲过检查时 感到尴尬。

When girls are comfortable touching their bodies,

当女孩舒服地 触摸自己的身体时，

whether for self breast checks or for pleasure,

无论是为了自我乳房检查 还是为了娱乐，

they learn about their bodies.

她们都会了解自己的身体。

And when they know their bodies, they can better own their bodies.

而且，当他们知道自己的身体时， 他们可以更好地拥有自己的身体。

This is important when it comes to sex.

当涉及到性时，这一点很重要。

Too often, others are dictating what girls should expect,

很多时候，其他人决定女孩应该期望，

want and put up with.

想要，和忍受什么。

These expectations are being set by pornography, social media, politicians

这些期望 是由色情制品、社交媒体、政治家

and partners who are either much more experienced

和合作伙伴设定的，他们要么 经验更丰富，要么

or equally inexperienced.

同样缺乏经验。

I mean, let's face it.

我的意思是， 让我们面对现实吧。

What does the average teenage boy know about the female clitoris

普通的十几岁的男孩 对女性阴蒂

or the female orgasm?

或女性性高潮 了解多少？

(Laughter and applause)

（笑声和掌声）

Given the statistics that about 15 percent of women have never had an orgasm

有统计数据表明，大约15％ 的女性从未达到过性高潮，

and 81 percent of women do not orgasm through vaginal sex,

81％的女性 没有通过阴道性交达到性高潮，

it is important for our girls to know that it's OK to figure out

因此重要的是要让我们的女孩 知道弄清楚

what gives them pleasure.

是什么能给她们带来快乐。

And that they don't have to rely on someone else for that pleasure.

而且他们不必依 靠别人来获得这种乐趣。

(Applause)

（掌声）

This can help them make choices which benefit them.

这可以帮助他们做出有利 于他们的选择。

As an example, another one of my clients shared with me that she uses her vibrator

举个例子，我的另一位客户与我 分享说，她在约会

before she goes on any date.

之前都会使用振动器。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

This way,

这样，

she can make judgments about the date

她就可以根据个人及其关系

based on the person and their connection rather than on hormones.

而不是荷尔蒙来判断日期。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And then when our daughters do decide to have sex with someone else,

然后，当我们的女儿 决定与他人发生性关系时，

they will know enough about their sexual pleasure

她们就会对自己的性 快感了解得足够多，从而能够

to be able to communicate what feels good to their partners.

向伴侣传达感觉良好的 东西。

They won't have to follow the outdated norms

他们不必遵循 过时的规范，

of tolerating unsatisfying experiences,

即容忍不令人 满意的经历、

faking it, or even believing that their sole purpose

伪造经历，甚至不必 相信自己的唯一

is to serve someone else's pleasure.

目的是为别人的快乐服务。

Our daughters will get the message

我们的女儿们会得到

that their wants and needs are important.

这样的信息：她们的需求 和需求很重要。

Learning not to be ashamed of their sexual pleasure

学会不要为自己的 性快感

is not limited to girls and young women.

感到羞耻不仅限于 女孩和年轻女性。

I worked with a 65-year-old woman who had never, ever had an orgasm.

我和一位65岁的女性一起工作， 她从来没有达到过性高潮。

She came to me for coaching because she felt demoralized.

她来找我执教 是因为她感到士气低落。

She had recently retired from her vice-president position,

她最近从副总裁职位退休， 因为公司雇用了年轻的高管，

feeling pushed out by her company as they hired younger executives.

她感到自己被赶出去了。

She had two goals for coaching.

她有两个执教目标。

The first was to find new ways to spend her time

首先是寻找 新的方式来消磨时间，

which gave her purpose.

这赋予了她目标。

The second one was, and I quote,

第二个是，我引用，

"to try out an orgasm."

“尝试高潮”。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

When she was ready,

当她准备好时，

my client bought herself a vibrator

我的客户给自己买了 一个振动棒，

and began learning about her body for the first time in her life.

这是她有生以来第一次 开始了解她的身体。

I will never forget the day when she came to our session,

我永远不会忘记她参加 我们会议的那一天，

sat down demurely and said with a big, beautiful grin,

她谦虚地坐下来， 带着灿烂而漂亮的笑容说，

"Second goal achieved."

“第二个目标实现了。”

(Laughter and applause)

（笑声和掌声）

As she continued to learn about herself and her sexual pleasure,

当她继续了解自己 和性快感时，

my client stopped referring to herself as old.

我的委托人不再称 自己年纪大了。

She accepted a board position for a national nonprofit.

她接受了一家全国性非 营利组织的董事会职位。

She even created a profile on eHarmony.

她甚至在eHarmony上 创建了个人资料.

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Can I say it was simply due to the orgasm?

我能说这仅仅 是因为性高潮吗？

Of course not.

当然不是。

But in asking for more from this one area of her life,

但是，在要求从生活的 这一领域获得更多内容时

she realized she could do the same in other areas of her life.

她意识到自己可以在生活的其他 领域做同样的事情。

We can help our daughters adopt this perspective

我们可以帮助我们的女儿 在我的委托人之前

long before my client did.

很久就 采用这种观点。

We can support their healthy sexual development,

我们可以支持他们的 健康性发育，

but even more,

但更重要的是，

by doing so, we empower their entire sense of selves.

通过这样做，我们可以增强 他们的全部自我意识。

This is about helping our girls step into their power,

这是为了帮助我们的女孩 发挥自己的力量，

raising them to become strong women who can speak up for themselves,

培养她们成为坚强 的女性，

whether they are in the bedroom or in the boardroom.

无论她们在卧室 还是在董事会里，都能为自己说话。

(Applause)

（掌声）

Recently, my younger daughter reminded me

最近，我的小 女儿让我想起了

of just how well she can speak up for herself.

她能很好地为自己 说话。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

A few months ago,

几个月前，

she was out with friends and called to let me know and she'd be home.

她和朋友一起出 去打电话告诉我，她就会回家了。

She's good like that.

她那样很不错。

As we were wrapping up the conversation, she said,

当我们结束谈话 时，她说，

"Oh, by the way, mom, my vibrator broke.

“哦，顺便说一句， 妈妈，我的振动棒坏了。

Can you pick me up a new one?"

你能给我买个新吗？”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Later on, she told me that after she hung up,

后来，她告诉我， 挂断电话后，

her friends said,

她的朋友们说，

"We can't believe your mom bought you a vibrator."

“我们简直不敢相信你妈妈 给你买了振动棒。”

To which my daughter responded,

我女儿回答说，

"I can't believe your moms haven't."

“我简直不敢相信你妈妈没有。”

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Cheers and applause)

（欢呼和掌声）