A Reframing of Masculinity, Rooted in Empathy | Gary Barker | TED

翻译人员: Fangxi Qin 校对人员: Laixi Kang

This is a hard conversation.

我首先必须要说，这个主题并不轻松。

I want to start with that.

Well, let's step into it.

好，让我们开始吧。

It was 1977.

那是 1977 年。

Jimmy Carter was president.

总统是吉米·卡特。

"Queen" was playing on the radio.

广播里正在播放皇后乐队。

I was having lunch in my high school cafeteria in Houston, Texas,

我正在得克萨斯州休斯敦的 高中食堂吃午饭，

when we heard a young man shouting at another young man next to him saying,

当时我们听到一个年轻人 对旁边的另一个年轻人大喊：

“You stole my girlfriend, and I’m going to make you pay.”

“你抢了我的女朋友， 我给你点教训。”

He pulled out a pistol, and as about 100 of us looked on,

他拿出一把手枪， 在我们大约 100 人的注视下，

he shot and killed him.

他开枪打死了对方。

Two years later,

两年后，

I was a freshman, big state university,

我是州立大学的大一学生，

Friday night in the dorm room.

星期五晚上在宿舍里，

Music, beer,

听音乐、喝啤酒，

five young men take a young woman back to one of their rooms

五名年轻男子将 一名年轻女子带到一个房间

and force her to have sex.

并强迫她做爱。

There was no investigation at the time.

当时没有进行任何调查。

No one called it rape.

没有人称之为强奸。

No one said sexual violence.

没有人说过性暴力。

These two events are what drove me to do this work.

这两个事件促使我从事这项工作。

I work with survivors of violence around the world.

我与世界各地的暴力幸存者一起工作。

It was somehow easier to work with survivors in other parts

在某种程度上，与其他地区的幸存者合作

than it was to think about this in my own country, the US.

要比在我自己的国家美国 考虑这个问题要容易得多。

And in that work, a throughline became clear.

在工作中， 一条主线变得清晰起来。

And that throughline is manhood.

那就是男子气概。

It is an inconvenient and difficult-to-look-at truth,

这是一个令人不安 且难以直视的真相，

but the majority of violence in the world is carried out by men.

但世界上大多数暴力是由男性实施的。

Since that shooting in my high school,

自从我高中发生枪击事件以来，

at least 800,000 people have died from gun suicide in the US alone.

仅在美国就有 至少 80 万人死于枪击自杀。

The vast majority of those, men.

其中绝大多数，是男性。

About 600,000 people have died of homicide in the US alone.

仅在美国， 就有大约 60 万人死于凶杀。

The vast majority of those who did the killing were men.

其中绝大多数杀人者，是男性。

One in three women in the world experiences violence from a male partner.

世界上三分之一的女性 遭受过来自男性伴侣的暴力。

Violence is overwhelmingly male.

暴力行为在极大程度上就是男性的。

Often, the point will come up,

通常，会有一个观点出现，

this must be biology.

这一定是生理原因。

Yes, biology accounts for a small portion of it,

是的，一小部分原因的确是生理的，

but the vast majority is how we raise boys.

但主要问题在于我们如何抚养男孩。

Research that we do --

我们所做的研究——

(Applause)

（掌声）

Research that we've carried out finds that about --

我们进行的研究表明——

and we ask this in multiple countries --

我们在多个国家进行了调研——

about two thirds of men tell us

有三分之二的男性告诉我们

that during childhood they experienced physical violence from another male.

在童年期间，他们遭受过 来自另一个男性的肢体暴力。

You do not get to adult manhood in most of the world without experiencing,

在世界大多数地方，男孩在长大 成为男人的过程中，

witnessing and learning male violence.

必定会经历、目睹和学习男性暴力。

Now, when I bring these points up, several things often happen.

当我提出这些观点时， 经常会发生几件事。

One is someone will say, well, you're attacking men.

一是有人会说， 好吧，你在攻击男人。

Someone will also say, well,

有人也会说，

you're apologizing for men as you look at these origins of violence.

你研究这些暴力起源时， 你是在为男人道歉。

We've got to talk about this.

我们要说一下这个事情。

We have to understand what are these pathways to men's use of violence

我们必须要了解男性学会 使用暴力的方式，

if we're to break these cycles of violence.

如果我们想要打破这些暴力循环的话。

This conversation must be about the version of manhood

这次谈话必须是关于

we literally beat in to boys.

我们向男孩子们灌输的 是什么样的男子主义。

My organization, Equimundo, does research around the world on these topics.

我所在的组织 Equimundo 在世界各地就这些主题进行了研究。

We listen to men, we carry out research

我们倾听男性的心声，

together with the UN, country governments, local partners.

我们与联合国、国家政府、 当地合作伙伴一起进行研究。

We've been measuring over the last 10 to 12 years

在过去的 10 到 12 年中，

where men are on these versions of manhood.

我们一直在衡量男性 对男子气概的看法。

This won't surprise you,

意料之中的是，

as we look at some of the numbers.

我们看到了这样一些数字。

About 40 to 50 percent of men in the world

世界上大约有 40％ 到 50％ 的男性

believe in a version of manhood that goes like this:

认为男子主义是这样的：

I’ve got to outperform the other at all cost.

我必须不惜一切代价超越对方。

I can’t show that I’m vulnerable or ask for help.

我不能显露自己很脆弱， 也不能寻求帮助。

That sex is about conquest, not about intimacy and connection.

性行为是关于征服， 与亲密关系和人际关系无关。

That you’ve got to show that you’re tough all the time.

你必须证明自己一直很坚强。

And that violence is a reasonable way to get what you want.

而暴力是获得你想要的东西的合理途径。

These are not just empty phrases.

这些不只是空泛的话语。

These are things that men talk about.

这些是男人谈论的事情。

They create realities.

他们创造了现实。

The other thing we find is that the more you believe in these norms,

我们发现的另一件事是， 你越相信这些规范，

these ideas about manhood,

这些关于男子气概的观念，

you are multiple times more likely to do this:

你有下列行为的可能性就越会成倍增加：

to have considered suicide,

考虑自杀、

to use violence against others, to harm yourself

对他人使用暴力、

以及以多种方式伤害自己和他人。

and to harm others in multiple ways.

These norms affect us, they cause harm.

这些规范影响着我们，并造成伤害。

Now I realize I'm doing in that last affirmation

我知道，我刚刚这句话

something that I said I wasn't going to do in this talk,

有违我说过不会在这次演讲里做的事，

which is women know this.

因为女性都知道这一点。

And when a man explains to women something they already know,

当一个男人向女人解释 她们已经知道的事情时，

we have a word for that.

我们有个词可以形容。

I'm not going to do that.

我不会那样做的。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I'm not going to do that, OK?

我不会那样做的，好吗？

Pull that back.

收回去。

What I do want is to get men talking about this.

我真正想要的是让男人谈论这个问题。

So call this “mansplaining to men.”

因此，称之为 “向男人爹味说教”。

(Applause)

（掌声）

Thank you for that,

谢谢，

because I don't get a lot of men inviting me to the bar

因为当我向男性进行这番教育时，

when I have these conversations, so thank you.

邀请我去酒吧的人不多，所以谢谢。

Thank you for that love.

谢谢你们的支持。

What I do often bring up with men,

我经常和男性说的是，

and you could see why they find me kind of inconvenient to have around,

而且你可以理解为什么 他们觉得我有点麻烦，

is I'll say, men, we die, on average, six years earlier than women in the US.

就是我总说，男性，在美国， 我们平均比女性早六年死亡。

Around the rest of the world, pretty similar numbers.

在世界其他地方，这个数字非常相近。

Why is that?

这是为什么？

Part of that's biology, we know this.

一部分是因为我们已知的生理原因。

The female body is a better model.

女性的身体就是设计得更好。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

(Cheers and applause)

（欢呼和掌声）

Let us acknowledge that.

我们得承认这一点。

The vast majority of this, though, is how we live as men.

但是，主要是因为 我们作为男人的生活方式。

What we drink, what we smoke, how we drive,

我们喝什么，抽什么，我们如何开车，

the harm we put ourselves in the way of,

我们给自己带来的伤害，

the drugs that we take,

我们服用的药物，

how we literally live as men.

我们如何男人地生活。

Of course it interacts with racism, with where you live, with poverty,

当然，这与种族主义、 生活地点、贫困也都相互作用，

but we're literally dying of manhood.

但我们是因为男子气概而死亡。

Women pick up the pieces when men die early.

当男人早死时，女人会收拾残局。

They are the ones who do the care, who carry on households,

她们是负责护理，照顾家庭，

who carry on in countries when men die.

当男人去世后继续劳作的人。

This affects us all.

这影响到我们所有人。

My daughter, when she was 12, 13, middle school, she said,

我的女儿在 12、13 岁读初中时说：

"Dad, girls are talking a lot about empowered womanhood

“爸爸，女孩们经常谈论女性赋权，

and how we can be in the world.

以及我们如何才能融入这个世界。

But the boys seem kind of lost.

但是男孩们似乎有点迷茫了。

Could you come and give a talk at school about this?"

你能来学校讲一讲这个吗？”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

So, for better or worse, I started with this example.

所以，无论怎样， 我都从这个例子开始。

The boys' eyes were going up,

男孩们睁大了眼睛，

"Wait, I never thought about the fact

“等等，我从来没有想过，

that I could die on average earlier than women because of all these reasons."

由于所有这些原因， 我会比女性更早死亡。”

Next day I get a letter, a note from one of the boys

第二天我收到一封信， 一个男孩的便条，

who gave it to my daughter to give to me,

他让我的女儿转交给我，

and I opened it up and it said, “Dear Dr. Barker,

我打开信上写着： “亲爱的巴克博士，

thank you for that information.

谢谢你提供的信息。

I never thought about how we as men are affected by these things.

我从来没有想过我们作为男人 会受到这些东西的影响。

Only now, I'm worried about dying."

只不过现在，我担心会死。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

(Exhales sharply)

（尖锐地呼气）

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I am a developmental psychologist,

我是一名发育心理学家，

and I should know a little bit more

我好像不应该

than having a 12-year-old think about his own mortality.

让一个 12 岁的孩子担心他会死。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Trying to get some help for that myself.

我自己也想为此寻求帮助。

The point was, he got it.

关键是，他明白了。

And that is what we need men to think about.

这就是我们需要男人考虑的问题。

This pathway is how to step into

这就是我们

how we as men are part of this conversation

我们作为男性如何参与对话

and how we benefit from it.

以及我们如何从中受益的方法。

OK, risk of mansplaining here.

好吧，这里开始有点说教了。

You know where men are having these conversations if we don't talk to them.

你知道如果不是和我们， 男人会去和什么人聊这些事情。

Young men right now are having these conversations online.

现在的年轻人都在网上讨论。

There is an explosion of conversations about manhood online.

网络上关于男子气概的讨论激增。

Some of them are good.

其中一些很不错。

How much water to drink,

要喝多少水，

the exercise you should carry out,

你应该做什么运动，

how can I get close to somebody I'm interested in.

我怎样才能接近我感兴趣的人。

That’s guys trying to be their best selves.

这些人都在努力成为最好的自己。

But there’s a huge amount of it that’s fed by an industry

但是，其中有很大一部分讨论

of misogynist and angry influencers

是由一个厌女和愤怒的网红行业培养的，

who are getting the attention of young men.

是这些人正受到青年男子的关注。

Our research finds that 40 to 50 percent of young men in the US

我们的研究发现，在美国， 有 40％ 至 50％ 的青年男子

say they trust one or more of those negative voices online.

表示他们信任网上的一个 或多个负面声音。

Why are they going there?

他们是怎么发展成这样的？

They are lost,

他们迷路了，

they are struggling, they're confused.

他们在挣扎，他们很困惑。

Other data that we have,

我们掌握的其他数据显示，

almost 50 percent of men in the US

美国将近 50％ 的男性

say they think about suicide frequently.

表示他们经常考虑自杀。

About two thirds of young men tell us that "no one really knows me."

大约三分之二的青年男子和我们说 “没有人真正了解我”。

What a call and a cry about loneliness in their lives.

这是对他们生活中的孤独感的发声。

If we don't reach out, they will continue to find solace online

如果我们不伸出援手， 他们将继续在网上寻找慰藉，

而我们知道他们会听到什么样的话。

with the voices that we well know about.

For young men of color, these issues are even more acute.

对于有色人种的青年男子来说， 这些问题更加严重。

Job uncertainties, education, systemic racism.

工作不确定性、教育、系统性种族主义。

One young man that we worked with in Washington, DC,

我们在华盛顿特区与一位年轻人共事过，

when he was part of a training activity to carry out work in schools,

当时他正在参加学校工作的培训活动，

as we're going through the training of trainers, he said,

当时我们正在接受培训师培训，他说：

"Gary, these ideas of manhood that you talk about,

“加里，你所说的这些男子气概，

for a white guy like you, it's like the flu.

对于像你这样的白人来说，就像流感。

For me as a Black guy, this is pneumonia."

对于作为黑人的我来说，这是肺炎。”

I think that's an excellent point to think about,

我认为这是一个很好的观点，

the compassion that we have to step into

我们在进行这次对话时

as we have this conversation.

应当同时保有同理心。

And this is where I want to take the last point here.

这就是我想在这里讲的最后一点。

We have to talk about care.

我们必须谈谈关爱。

Care of boys, care about boys,

对男孩的关爱，关心，

care for men,

对男性的关怀照料，

and talk to boys and men about how they care.

并与男孩和男人谈论他们如何关心。

Let me talk a little bit more about that.

让我再多展开讲一下。

One of the casualties that we face

我们所面临的一种情况，

as men growing up in that version of manhood that I presented to you,

就是我给你们讲的男子气概中成长的男人

is that we make this thick shell around ourselves.

会在自己周围制造厚厚的外壳。

We close off our emotions,

我们封闭情绪，

we close ourselves off to the human connection we need.

与需要的人际关系保持隔绝。

Think about what young men frequently say.

想想年轻男孩们经常说的话。

I would guess, I don't know that we've asked it in a survey,

我会说——我不知道我们 在调查中问过这个问题——

but one of the most frequent things that young men say,

但是年轻人最常说的一句话是，

"I don't care."

“我不在乎。”

"I don't care."

“我不在乎。”

"I don't care."

“我不在乎。”

It is our perfect shell, right?

这是我们的完美外壳，对吧？

We close ourselves behind it,

我们在外壳下封闭自己

and it also says, you can't shame me,

类似的话还有，你不能羞辱我，

you can't question me, you can't hurt me,

你不能质疑我，你不能伤害我，

you can't embarrass me because I don't care.

无法让我感到尴尬，因为我不在乎。

I said it thousands of times as a teenage boy.

我十几岁的时候说过几千次。

I'm sure my mother would have a bigger number.

我敢肯定我妈妈会觉得我说了几万次。

And I know I've said it thousands of times as an adult man as well.

而且我知道作为一个成年男人 我也说过数千次了。

This is the shield that we put on to close ourselves off.

这是我们用来封锁自己的盾牌。

The conversation that we need to step into with boys

我们需要与男孩进行讨论的

is not about their mortality,

不是他们的死亡，

but it is about how we care.

而是关于我们如何关心、在乎。

Where I start that conversation

我的对话的开头，

is to think about our superpower as humans.

是思考我们作为人类的超级力量。

We are the most wired-to-care species on the planet.

我们是这个星球上最由关爱构建的物种。

Our neurological systems, our hormonal systems,

我们的神经系统， 我们的荷尔蒙系统，

are wired to care, to nurture, to love,

与关心、培育、爱、

to form attachments with others.

与他人建立依恋息息相关。

But it's not automatic.

但这不是自动的。

If you don't use it, if you close it off, if you hide,

如果你不使用这种能力， 如果你把它关掉，如果你躲起来，

you don't get good at it.

你就无法擅长这种能力。

But if you try and if you practice

但是，如果你尝试，如果你练习，

and if you learn it, you do get good at it.

如果你学习，你就会变得擅长。

Even the man who seems most cut off from the world can learn it.

即使是看似最与世隔绝的人， 也可以学会。

I take you back to my high school in 1977.

我在 1977 年带你回到我的高中。

The boy who killed the other.

那个杀了对方的男孩，

I didn't tell you this part, but I knew him.

我没告诉你这部分， 但我认识这个男孩。

Took me years to say I didn't know him well

多年之后我才有勇气承认， 我不太了解他，

because I didn't want to know him well.

是因为我不想很了解他。

He got detention, he bullied, he got detention again,

他被留校了，他欺负人了， 他又被留校了，

he didn't do well in school, he got sent away.

他在学校表现不佳， 他被送走了。

No one, apparently, reached out to him.

显然，没有人向他伸出援手。

Think about what we often do when boys or men cause harm.

想想当男孩或男人造成伤害时， 我们经常做什么。

If you're young,

如果你还小，

we give you a time out.

我们会计时隔离你。

Get a little bit older, we give you a detention.

再大一点， 我们让你留校。

You step into the workplace,

你踏入工作场所，

you do harm, we fire you.

你造成伤害，我们解雇你。

You do something else, we incarcerate you.

你做别的事，我们监禁你。

These acts are often necessary to reduce harm,

这些行为通常是减少伤害所必需的，

but they cut men off from the connection and humanity that we need,

但它们把男人们与他们所需的人际关系 和人性进行切断，

even when men have caused harm.

即使男性造成了伤害。

I am not, in saying this,

我这样说，

I'm not affirming or believing that we should give any man a free walk

并不是在肯定或认为 我们应该让任何人逍遥法外，

for harm that is caused.

不承担伤害的后果。

We must hold men accountable for harm caused.

我们必须追究男性对 造成的伤害的责任。

No question about that.

对此毫无疑问。

We must call out with deep compassion when men do cause harm.

当人造成伤害时，我们应当怀着 深切的同情心大声疾呼。

We've also got to call in

我们还必须呼吁人与人

to being connected, caring humans.

保持联系、充满关爱。

This is not instead of,

这并不是一种替代手段，

and I think this is very important to end on,

我认为这很重要，

this is not instead of the unfinished journey for full equality,

这不是要取代地球上每个女性 和女孩应得的实现完全平等、

respect and rights that every woman and girl on the planet deserves.

尊重和权利的未完成旅程。

(Applause)

（掌声）

This is an "and" conversation.

这是一场“同时”的对话。

We must continue that journey and we must talk about manhood.

我们必须继续这段旅程， 我们必须谈论男子气概。

And I also believe that it is this conversation about pulling men into care

我还相信，正是这种 关于让男性接受关爱的对话，

that we get them to be allies for gender equality.

使他们成为性别平等的盟友。

(Applause)

（掌声）

My final point would be this:

我的最后一点是：

look at the face of any three-year-old boy on the planet.

看看这个星球上任何一个三岁男孩的脸。

He was not born into the world to be angry, aggressive,

他出生在世上并不是为了愤怒、好斗、

to follow dark threads down the internet.

关注互联网上的阴暗发言。

He comes into the world ready to be loved and to learn how to love.

他来到这个世界是准备 被爱并学习如何爱。

Take him, talk to him, teach him every day: I care.

引领他，和他探讨，每天教他：我在乎。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）