Ebony Roberts and Shaka Senghor: How to co-parent as allies, not adversaries | TED

Transcriber: Ivana Korom Reviewer: Joanna Pietrulewicz

翻译人员: Han Xiao 校对人员: Lipeng Chen

Ebony Roberts: I remember watching my father raise the pistol

我记得看着我的父亲举起枪，

to my mother's head.

对着我母亲的脑袋。

She pleaded with him to put the gun down,

她请求他把枪放下，

but he ignored her.

但是他没有听她的。

When she bolted toward the door, he followed close behind

当她向闪电一样冲去门边， 他紧紧相随，

and once outside, he fired one single shot.

当她一脚踏出家门，他开了一枪。

I was 12.

我那时 12 岁。

I remember this moment frame by frame.

我清楚的记得这个时刻 的每一帧每一秒。

I remember feeling numb.

我记得麻木的感觉。

I remember feeling alone.

我记得孤独的感觉。

Thank God, the bullet missed her,

感谢上帝，子弹没有射中她，

but my family would never be the same.

但是我的家永远的变样了。

I would never be the same.

我也永远被改变了。

I didn't know then all the ways

那时的我没有意识到

that my parents' on-again, off-again relationship would impact me,

父母断断续续的感情会影响到我，

but I knew I didn't want a love like theirs.

但是我知道我不想要 像他们那样的爱情。

My story would be different.

我的爱情会不一样。

Years later, when I met you,

多年后，当我遇见你，

I fell madly in love.

我疯狂地陷入恋爱中。

Our connection was undeniable.

我们之间的火花是不可否认的。

It was as if you had been hand-picked just for me.

就像是你是专门为我打造的。

I thought we'd be together forever.

我以为我们会永远在一起。

But we struggled with some of the same issues my parents had,

但是我们在与我父母 相同的问题中挣扎，

and after nearly nine years together,

过了 9 年在一起的生活，

we called it quits.

我们分开了。

We had Sekou then.

我们生下了塞古。

He was only three.

他才 3 岁。

Though he was too young to really understand what was going on,

虽然他太小不明白发生了什么，

he was old enough to know

但在他的年纪足够知道

that mommy and daddy

妈妈和爸爸

were not going to be living in the same house anymore.

不会在同一个屋檐下生活了。

Our breakup hit me really hard.

我们的分手真的让我伤透了心。

But I decided

但我决定

I wouldn't let my broken heart get in the way of what was best for Sekou.

我不会让我的伤心影响到塞古。

We struggled initially, trying to navigate this new space

最开始我们挣扎过， 尝试着如何作为共同监护

as co-parents.

开始新的生活。

I asked myself,

我问我自己，

how do we raise this beautiful boy full of wonder and promise

我们如何抚养这个 既对世界饱含好奇和希望

and so much power,

又充满活力的漂亮男孩，

in spite of our failures as a couple?

尽管我们的婚姻失败了。

The answer for me was simple.

答案对我来说很简单。

I could either choose fear,

我可以选择恐惧，

fear of being alone,

对孤独的恐惧，

fear of the unknown,

对未知的恐惧，

or choose love.

或者选择爱。

And I chose love.

然后我选择了爱。

That means seeing the good in you as a father.

那代表我会关注你 作为一个父亲的优点。

It means seeing the good in you as a father

这代表我看到的是你 作为父亲的善良

and not your missteps as a partner.

而不是作为伴侣所犯下的错误。

It means putting Sekou first every time,

这代表塞古永远排在第一位，

even if it means I don't get my way.

纵然我牺牲自己的利益也在所不辞。

I know my parents went back and forth

我知道我的父母分分合合，

trying to work things out for my brother and I's sake.

为了我哥和我而努力。

Though I appreciate their effort,

虽然我感谢他们的努力，

I wish they hadn't.

但我希望他们没有那么做。

I saw too much, I heard too much.

我看了太多，听了太多。

I knew I didn't want that to be Sekou's story.

我知道我不想让同样的事情 发生在塞古身上。

I wanted Sekou to know

我想让塞古体验到

what it was like to see two parents who got along,

有一对和谐的父母是什么感觉，

two parents who worked together as a team.

两位家长像一个队伍一样共同努力。

I wanted him to know

我想让他知道

what love looks like in its truest form.

爱在最真实的状态下是什么样的。

Love is patient, love is kind.

爱是耐心，爱是善良。

Love does not anger easily,

爱不会轻易发怒，

it keeps no wrongs.

爱没有任何错误，

Love always protects,

爱会永远保护，

always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

永远信任，永远有希望， 永远支持与鼓舞。

Shaka Senghor: It was 1983.

沙卡 · 桑格尔（Shaka Senghor）： 那是在 1983 年的时候。

I was 11 years old.

我 11 岁。

I remember being in a basement with my father,

我记得和我爸一起呆在地下室，

in our home on the east side of Detroit.

在我们底特律东部的家里。

I watched him stuff albums

我看着他把专辑

into the blue and orange milk crates,

收起来放在蓝橙相间的牛奶纸箱里，

as tears streamed from his eyes.

眼泪从他的眼里留下。

Just before that,

就在那之前，

him and my mother

他和我妈

had just sat me and my siblings down

让我和我的兄弟姐妹们坐下来

and told us that they were calling it quits.

然后告诉我们他们要分手了。

Thirty years later,

30 年之后，

I found myself with tears in my eyes,

我发现我自己饱含眼泪，

as I packed my belongings in our home.

在我的家里收拾行李。

Ebony and I met

我和艾博妮相遇时

while I was serving a 19-year prison sentence.

我正在服一段19 年的刑劳。

For four years,

在 4 年时间里，

we used letters, phone calls and visits

我们通过信件、电话和拜访

to build what we had imagined to be an unshakeable bond.

创建了想象中我们之间 坚不可摧的联系。

We fought the system together,

我们共同对抗体制，

and we thought that we would be able to right the wrongs of our parents.

然后我们以为我们可以 弥补我们父母所犯下的错。

She was a poet,

她是一位诗人，

I was a writer.

我是一位作家，

She was gorgeous, with a PhD.

她非常优秀，有博士学位。

I was handsome,

我很帅气，

with a GED.

有高中文凭。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

We built something magical.

我们一起创造了奇迹。

We built something that we thought would endure.

我们一起创造了 我们以为能永远留存的事物。

But unfortunately,

但不幸的是，

our relationship became unhinged when I was released from prison.

我们的关系从我被监狱放出来之后 就开始脱轨了。

Post-traumatic stress syndrome,

创伤后压力症候群，

trauma from prior to going to prison,

进监狱前就有的创伤，

baggage from her relationship,

她情感的负担，

my inexperience in a relationship

我在感情关系中缺乏经验

undid the magic of what we built behind the walls.

把我在监狱时 我们创造的魔力消磨殆尽。

Centered in all of that

在所有事物中心

was our beautiful boy.

是我们漂亮的男孩。

I remember when we first brought Sekou home.

我记得当我们第一次带塞古回家。

It was so exciting, it was amazing,

很是激动，非常美妙，

we worked together, we collaborated,

我们一起工作，共同协作，

we supported each other.

我们互相依靠。

You took the night shift, I took the morning shift.

你上晚班，我上早班。

And it was going amazing.

曾是多么的美好。

And then it all changed.

然后就变了。

It changed the morning that you came in really excited, you was like,

是在某一天早上你回到家 非常激动，然后你说，

"Hey, I'm going back to work!

“嘿，我又可以回去工作了！

Aren't you excited?"

你难道不激动吗？”

And I was like, "Yes. I am ecstatic right now.

然后我说：”是的。我现在很兴奋，

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I cannot be more delighted."

我真的非常高兴。‘’

But inside, I was really afraid.

但是内心，我很害怕。

But I couldn't tell you that.

但是我不能告诉你我的想法。

So instead, I said,

所以，我说：

"Hey, go off and have a wonderful day."

”嘿，去吧，祝你有个美好的一天。”

And you left,

然后你就离开了，

and I was left with Sekou.

而我留下来陪着塞古。

What I understand now about that moment

我现在对那个时刻的看法是

is that we were fostering a trust

我们在培养一种信任

that's necessary for parents to coexist.

父母同时存在是很重要的。

And that you were trusting me with our most precious gift.

而且你把我们最珍贵的 礼物（孩子）托付给了我。

And that you were building the foundation and the blocks for what's important

你在为被我们称做为人父母这个事业

for this portal we call parenthood.

建造一砖一瓦。

ER: Knowing how our parents' breakups impacted us,

父母的离异影响着我们，

you know, we were really sensitive

你知道，我们真的对我们的分手会不会

about how our breakup would impact Sekou.

影响到塞古感到非常在意。

We struggled,

我们纠结过，

but we found our way.

但我们找到了适合我们的路。

And let Sekou tell it,

而且还让塞古觉得，

we're the best parents in the world.

我们是世界上最棒的父母。

I love that he sees us that way.

我大爱他这么看待我俩。

We made a choice in the beginning

最开始我们做了一个决定

to co-parent as allies and not adversaries.

做像同盟一样的共同抚养他 而不是成为死对头。

To break the toxic pattern

打破我们反复见证过的

that we see play out over and over again

有害的模式，

when parents lose focus on what's most important,

即父母们不再把注意力 集中在最重要的事上，

the children.

也就是孩子们身上。

They allow their relationship pain to get in the way.

他们就让感情的痛苦挡在孩子路中间。

But at the end of the day, we're on the same team,

但最终，我们站在同一战线，

and that's Sekou's team.

大家都在塞古的队伍里。

You know, I have to admit,

你知道，我必须承认，

we have an unconventional relationship

我们经营着不合常规的感情，

a lot of people don't understand.

很多人都不明白。

We're not perfect as parents or people.

我们没有正常父母或他人那么完美。

But we honor each other's role in Sekou's life.

但我们尊重各自在塞古人生中的角色。

We allow him to do things

我们准许他做很多事

that our parents would never allow us to do.

我们的父母可能 永远不会允许我们做的。

We don't allow our fears to put limits on him.

我们不允许我们自己的恐惧限制塞古。

We nurture his natural curiosity about the universe

我们鼓励他对这个世界的好奇心。

and his relationship to the world.

还有他对世界的感情。

Remember that time when we were coming in from a long day at work,

记得那次我们经过 一天漫长的工作后回到家，

and Sekou found a puddle outside,

塞古在外面找到一个小水坑，

a puddle of mud, mind you.

其实是小泥坑，提醒你哦。

Had a brand new fresh outfit on, Levi's from head to toe.

他当时穿着全新的衣服， 从头到脚的李维斯。

And he found this puddle of mud, and he reached for it.

然后他找到了这个小泥坑， 想去玩玩。

And he wanted to touch the muddy earth, and we allowed him to do that.

他想要去触摸那些泥土， 然后我们准许他这么做了。

We resisted the urge to say no,

我们忍住了说不行的冲动，

and in fact, went and got him a shovel,

事实上， 我们去给他找来了一把铲子，

and allowed him to feel the earth's properties

然后允许他和泥土玩耍，

and explore as much as he wanted to, and he played,

尽可能探索他想要探索的， 所以他这么做了，

and was as happy as a pig in mud.

他就像泥地里的小猪那么开心。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

We realized that the outfit could be washed,

我们意识到身上的衣服是可以清洗的，

that a bath would clean up all the dirt,

而身体上的泥土也是可以洗澡洗掉的，

but the thrill of being in the moment,

但活在当下的兴奋，

of being able to touch

可以去探索未知事物，

and be amazed at this thing that he had never discovered before

和为它感到惊奇，

was more valuable than the clothes or the dirt that could be washed away.

是比衣服和可以洗掉的泥土更有价值的。

We continue to rethink what is right and wrong

我们持续思考着身为父母

when it comes to parenting.

什么是对的什么是错的，

Sekou challenges us every day.

塞古每天都在改变着我们。

You know, we allow him to climb on couches

你知道，我们允许他攀爬沙发

and draw on his clothes and his shoes,

允许他在衣服和鞋子上画画，

let him run around the store -- well, I do, anyway.

允许他在商店里跑来跑去—— 至少我允许，总之。

And I get the death stares from other mamas who look at me

这让其他妈妈死命的地盯着我。

and who think that children should be quiet and well-behaved in public.

那些妈妈认为孩子应该 在公共场合保持安静并表现良好。

I also get those questions that are really judgments,

我还收到那些其实是评判你的问题，

but I don't pay them any mind.

但是我丝毫不在意。

Because at the end of the day,

因为到最后，

our job is to guide Sekou on this journey of life,

我们的责任是在人生旅途上引领塞古，

not to control him.

而不是控制他。

We're here to help him figure out his place in the world,

我们存在的目的是帮助他 找到在这个世界上的位置，

to uncover his greatest gifts,

去让他发现自己的天赋，

to discover why he was born.

去让他探寻自己为什么出生。

We are raising a free black boy

我们在一个藐视黑人快乐的世界里，

in a world that despises black joy,

抚养一个自由的黑人小孩。

and we refuse to put limits on him that the world already has.

我们拒绝给他设定这个世界已有的限制。

SS: Our parenting can be seen as an allegory

沙卡：我们的抚养方式 可以视作一个寓言，

for this two-sided coin of possibilities.

就像硬币两面存在的机遇。

On one side,

在一面，

the reality of raising a black boy in a society

在社会上抚养黑人小孩的现实

that says that black boys, black bodies and black lives

是黑人小孩子，黑人身体和生命

only seen as profitable or disposable.

只能被看作有利可图或者用完即丢弃。

And then there's the other side.

但另一面，

Possibility of two parents who are no longer together

已离异的父母合作共存

coexisting, supporting each other,

相互支持，

loving each other, showing affection publicly

相互关爱，公开示爱的做法

in a way that honors the relationship with our son.

从一方面可以让我们的关系 和儿子更加和谐。

And even more importantly

更重要的是，

is the power to support each other in all those vulnerable moments.

有在脆弱的时刻支持对方的能量。

There was this one time

有一次

that it was my day to go pick up Sekou, you remember that time?

轮到我去接塞古那天，你记得那次吗？

I go pick Sekou up, he's in first grade,

我去接塞古，他在一年级，

and as I'm walking up,

随着我走进，

another parent walks up and says, "Hey, Shaka.

另一个家长走过来说：“嘿 ，沙卡。

I seen Oprah Winfrey give a shout-out to you

我看到奥普拉 · 温弗瑞

on CNN last night."

昨晚在 CNN 称赞你了。”

She was super excited, exuberant even.

她非常激动，甚至高兴过了头。

I was mortified.

我有一些不好意思。

Because I thought, what's going to happen when she tells another parent,

因为我在想如果 她告诉其他的家长会发生什么，

and they tell another parent,

这些家长再告诉另外的家长，

and then they go and look me up

他们会去搜索我的信息，

and then they discover

然后他们发现

that I was in prison for second-degree murder.

我因二级谋杀进过监狱。

And then their child hears about it.

然后他们的孩子也会听说这件事。

And they come to school, and they say to Sekou,

他们的孩子来到学校，对塞古说：

"Your dad was convicted of murdering someone."

“”你爸爸曾被判谋杀罪。”

And I remember, as watching Sekou race out,

我记得，看着塞古冲出来

and I knew that I had to call Ebony.

我就知道是时间给艾博妮打电话了。

When I called her, I explained to her what happened,

当我给她打电话， 我给她解释了发生的事情

Ebony said, "You have to have the talk."

艾博妮说：“你必须和他亲自谈一谈。”

So I took Sekou home,

所以我接塞古回了家，

got him ready for bed,

然后让他准备好上床睡觉，

and we talked for half an hour.

然后我们谈了半小时左右。

I talked to him about why I went to prison.

我告诉他我为什么进监狱。

And I listened to his feedback.

然后我听他对我的回复。

And then we called his mom so we can do our nightly ritual

然后我们叫来他妈妈一起

of her offering prayer

做睡前祷告，

and then me doing affirmations.

然后我做自我肯定。

And I remember holding him tightly.

我记得紧紧握住他的手。

And I realized the importance of the affirmations that we do at night.

我意识到晚上我们一起 做自我肯定的重要性。

And I see them as a road map, as a guide,

我把它们当作公路地图， 就像向导一样，

as a touchstone for other parents to protect

作为别的父母们的试金石

and to empower their children,

去保护并激励他们的孩子，

especially in a world where it's very difficult.

特别是在这样做特别困难的环境里。

For us, co-parenting is so much more

为了我们，共同抚养孩子远不止

than scheduling pick-up and drop-off,

计划谁接孩子谁送孩子，

playdates,

谁带孩子去玩，

deciding what he's going to wear, what he's going to eat.

决定他要穿什么，要吃什么。

For us, it's about helping each other carry the weight,

对我们来说，这是互相帮助共同承担，

unpack the load,

卸下重担，

and to show up in the world in a way that honors the beauty

把尊重我们儿子的优秀的方式，

of our son.

展现给世界。

And it's for these reasons that we do affirmations.

这是我们做自我肯定的原因。

ER: We never though we'd be here.

艾博妮：我们从没想过我们会在这儿。

But here we are.

但我们现在在这儿。

And we hope that the way that we show up for Sekou

我们希望我们为塞古做的

and for each other

为对方做的

is a model of what successful co-parenting can look like.

是共同抚养的成功例子。

We'd like to bring you all in to this nightly ritual of affirmations

我们想为大家呈现这个每晚沙卡与塞古

that Shaka does with Sekou every night at bedtime.

一起做的自我肯定仪式。

SS: Hey.

沙卡：嘿。

(Applause)

（掌声）

SS: I am great. Sekou: I am great.

沙卡：我很棒。 塞古：我很棒。

SS: I am awesome. Sekou: I am awesome.

沙卡：我很优秀。 塞古：我很优秀。

SS: I'm amazing. Sekou: I'm amazing.

沙卡：我很精彩。 塞古：我很精彩。

SS: I am thoughtful. Sekou: I am thoughtful.

沙卡：我很体贴。 塞古：我很体贴。

SS: I am kind. Sekou: I am kind.

沙卡：我很友善。 塞古：我很友善。

SS: I am loving. Sekou: I am loving.

沙卡：我很有爱。 塞古：我很有爱。

SS: I am caring. Sekou: I am caring.

沙卡：我关心他人。 塞古：我关心他人。

SS: I am funny. Sekou: I am funny.

沙卡：我很幽默。 塞古：我很幽默。

SS: I'm smart. Sekou: I'm smart.

沙卡：我很聪明。 塞古：我很聪明。

SS: I'm a big boy. Sekou: I'm a big boy.

沙卡：我是大男孩。 塞古：我是大男孩。

SS: I'm a soldier. Sekou: I'm a soldier.

沙卡：我是一个战士。 塞古：我是一个战士。

SS: I'm a warrior. Sekou: I'm a warrior.

沙卡：我是一个士兵。 塞古：我是一个士兵。

SS: I am Sekou. Sekou: I am Sekou.

沙卡：我是塞古。 塞古：我是塞古。

(Cheers and applause)

（欢呼与掌声）

ER: Good job, baby.

艾博妮：好样的，宝贝。