Why I photograph the quiet moments of grief and loss | Caroline Catlin

Transcriber:

翻译人员: Jingyi Hu 校对人员: Bruce Wang

你知道有些令人尴尬的破冰小游戏

每个人轮流回答一些问题

比如 你最喜欢的超能力是什么？

You know those awkward icebreaker games,

我小的时候最喜欢那种游戏了

when everyone goes around and answers something

like, "What's your favorite superpower?"

我觉得我有一个完美的答案

别人在回答时 我就一直等着

When I was a kid, I loved those games.

激动地都坐不住

每当轮到我时

我会骄傲的告诉所有人 我最想拥有的超能力是

I believed I had the perfect answer.

People would start sharing and I would wait,

能够看见别人的情绪 这些情绪会 以不同的颜色盘旋在他们周围

bouncing in my seat with excitement.

And when it was my turn,

I would proudly tell everyone, "The superpower I want most of all

这多酷啊 你可以知道当 你朋友看见你时有多开心

is to see people's emotions in color, hovering in the air around them."

每当他们走过来 全身都会被黄色包围

或者 你也可以判断陌生人 是否需要帮助

Wouldn't it be cool if you could see how happy a friend was to see you,

你从他们身边走过 看到后面长长的蓝色尾巴

like they'd walk in and it would just fill with the color yellow.

通常我也会知道

Or you could tell when a stranger needed help.

当我环顾四周 看到一张张面无表情的脸时

You'd pass them on the street

and you'd see this long trail of blue behind them.

我酷炫的超能力 并没有很好地 运用在我四年级的同学们身上

This was usually the moment

where I would look around at the many blank faces

telling me yet again,

我曾经是一个很奇怪的小孩

my cool superpower, it hadn't landed well with my fellow fourth graders.

这一点到现在也没怎么变

同样没有发生改变的 是 我对感受周围情感世界的痴迷

I was an awkward child.

或者说 是我既想见证又想捕捉 那难以捉摸的情绪的渴望

That hasn't really changed.

And neither has my deep appreciation for the emotional world around me

随着年龄的增长

我开始留意我所遇到的人和事

or my desire to both witness and capture the elusiveness of feelings.

并把我所看见的都用笔写下来

当我不再感到满足的时候 我学起了摄影

As I grew older,

I started paying attention to the people and the stories I came across

开始把那些对我来说 最珍贵的时刻记录下来

and I wrote down what I saw.

手握着相机

When writing didn't feel like enough, I learned photography

我学会了关于将什么留在框内

and I began documenting the moments that felt most precious to me.

又将什么在背景里模糊处理的拍摄艺术

With a camera in hand,

高中毕业后 我去了大学

I learned the art of deciding what to include in the frame

专业是心理学和艺术的结合

and what to let blur into the background.

在这里各种各样的情绪从不缺席 我可以保证

I graduated high school. I went to college.

然后...

I studied a combination of psychology and art.

我生了一场病

No shortage of feelings there, I can assure you.

不是什么很严重的病

我没有因为痛苦而尖叫

And then ...

也没有一觉醒来无法动弹 或者突然忘记如何说话

I got sick.

最终 这些小问题 可能会在某个阶段出现

Not in a dramatic way.

I didn't start screaming in agony

但这条让我从健康走向不健康的道路

or wake up unable to move or suddenly forget how to speak.

却缓慢 而又不断地将我推向了一场大病

Eventually, all those things would happen to some degree,

but my path from wellness to illness

我花了三年时间想弄清楚病因

was a slow, persistent movement towards deep sickness.

我去看了无数医生 但他们给出的答案却不谋而合

I spent three years trying to identify the cause.

我没有任何毛病

重复了一次又一次

I met with numerous doctors and the answer was always the same.

尽管我一直都有低烧 关节和肌肉疼痛

There was nothing wrong with me.

医生都会告诉我 去看看心理医生吧

Over and over.

Despite my persistent low-grade fever and joint pain and muscle aches,

自己多调节调节

我甚至开始相信他们说的是对的

I was told, "Go see a therapist,

我没有任何问题

practice more self-care."

每次收到一切正常的报告单

我都会更加怀疑自己

I started to believe they were right.

Maybe nothing was wrong.

然后我开始读研

Every test that came back normal

希望有天能够摆脱 这一神秘的病症

had me falling further into a hole of self-doubt.

让我能像从前一样拥抱生活

I started grad school

hoping that I would somehow get over this mysterious illness

但我内心仍然有个微弱的声音 一直在告诉我

and I could return to life as it was before.

尽管我的种种症状并没有 让我顺理成章的搭上某种疾病

Still there was a small, unwavering part of me that knew.

但我知道 肯定出问题了

Despite my symptoms not lining up with anything that made sense,

最终 在我的认知症状恶化

出现了脑雾 失忆和唤词困难的情况后

I knew something was wrong.

医生同意了进行核磁共振的检查

Eventually my cognitive symptoms worsened.

向我保证不会出现什么问题

Brain fog and memory loss and word-finding,

但结果却是...

and a doctor agreed to order an MRI.

他们在我的右顶叶发现了 一个高尔夫大小的肿块

Assuring me they didn't think they'd find anything concerning.

就这样 一切都变了

Instead ...

they found a golf ball-sized mass in my right parietal lobe.

我给我的父母打了个电话

安排好了做脑部手术的日子

然后我就退学了

他们告诉我 肿瘤大概率是良性的

And just like that, everything changed.

I called my parents

切除后 我基本可以痊愈

and I scheduled a date for brain surgery,

and I dropped out of my grad program.

They told me the tumor is probably benign

我多么希望 能告诉各位他们说的是对的

and with its removal that I'd likely make a full recovery.

希望我和病魔抗争的故事就此画上句号

I wish with all of my heart

但在手术后的第七天 我拿到了病理报告

I could tell you they were right.

报告说肿瘤并非良性

I wish the story ended here.

它叫做间变性星形细胞瘤

Six days after surgery, the pathology report came back

即使手术很成功 这块肿瘤也被切除了

telling us the tumor was not benign.

It was something called an anaplastic astrocytoma

但仍有微小癌细胞残留

and while the surgery had been successful and the tumor was gone,

不可能清除

换句话说 我被诊断得了一种罕见的

the microscopic cancerous cells it left behind remained,

侵袭性的 无法治愈的脑癌

impossible to remove.

In other words, I was officially diagnosed with a rare,

这一天绝对不是什么好日子

这种癌症可治 但很可能复发

aggressive, incurable brain cancer.

一旦复发 一般就到了癌症晚期

Not my best day.

My cancer is treatable, but it's highly recurrent.

至于还留给了我多少时间 也难以预测

有些人能再活15年

And when it does recur, it tends to return as terminal.

有些人只剩一年

The timeline of when, it's unpredictable.

我的医生解释说

虽然化疗和放疗会降低复发的可能性

Some people get 15 years.

Some people just get one.

我接下来每隔三个月

My doctors explained to me

that while chemo and radiation would reduce the likelihood of recurrence,

都需要去医院做复查 检查是否有新长的肿瘤

every three months for the rest of my life,

与此同时 我感受到了前所未有的悲痛

I would need to return to the hospital to check for new tumor growth.

脑海中浮现了我曾经想拥有的超能力

想象此时此刻整个房间 都充斥着深深的暗紫色

As I listened, I met real grief for the first time.

I thought of that superpower I'd once wanted

一种将永远伴随我的颜色

and I imagined a deep dark purple filling the room around us.

当时的我27岁

我问自己 为什么会这样？

A cloak of color that I knew was going to stay with me.

悲痛之际 我又下定决心

I'm 27.

I thought to myself, how can this be happening?

我想去抗争 想要康复

想要活的越久越好

I was as determined as I was devastated.

在我再次开始恢复的那段日子里

I wanted to fight and recover

我开始留意我身边的人和事

and I wanted as many years of life as possible.

在医院时 我会在走廊里 推着我的助行器

As I once again began to regain my strength,

偷偷看向每一个我经过的房间

I started to pay attention to the people and the stories around me.

那些将人困在里面的小小世界

In the hospital, I would push my walker down the hallway

有时房间里乐趣横生

and I would steal glances into the rooms I'd passed

让我不禁想驻足 去感受这份快乐

and I would see these tiny worlds contained within them.

有时 房间里流露出的绝望和悲伤 又让我想赶紧逃离

Sometimes I could feel joy so big,

I just wanted to stop and stand in it.

在离开医院三个月后

Other times, the despair and the sadness made me want to run.

我发现有一个可以 免费提供摄影服务的组织

专门针对生病的儿童和他们的家庭

About three months after I left the hospital

我当时就和这个组织取得了联系

I found out about an organization

安排了一次会面 并注册成为了一名志愿者

that offers free photo sessions

to critically ill children and their families.

尽管放疗让我身心疲惫 而且我一直沉浸在悲伤中

Right away I called them.

I set up a meeting and I signed up to volunteer.

以这种方式回馈社会的想法

却点燃了我心中刚刚熄灭的火花

Despite my radiation-induced fatigue and my persistent grief,

这么久以来 第一次

the idea of giving back in that way,

我感觉到了希望

it lit a spark within me that had been recently extinguished.

就好像有一条细细的金线

For the first time in a while,

开始在我悲伤的外衣上编织

I felt hope.

慢慢地 那种包裹着我的颜色 也悄然发生着变化

It was as if a thin strand of gold

had begun to weave its way through my coat of grief.

这个组织将他们的服务提供给 处在任何疾病阶段的儿童

And the color was blending slowly into something new.

通常这些孩子们会喜出望外 心花怒放

This organization offers their services

to children at any stage of serious illness.

有些家庭有时会需要一名摄影师

And often they are joy-filled and they're celebratory.

帮忙记录他们的孩子 走到生命尽头时的样子

有时这会是孩子家里留存的 唯一一套专业相片

Other times a family asks for a photographer

to document a child at the end of their life.

通常这会是他们最后的影像

Sometimes these are the only professional photos

a family will ever have of their child.

我接到的第一个电话

是为一名在临终治疗的三岁女孩拍照

Often they're the last ones ever taken.

她已经病了很长一段时间

The first call I got

她有可能就在你拍的时候离开这个世界

他们提醒我

was for an end-of-life session for a three-year-old girl

你确定你做好准备了吗？

who'd been very sick for a long time.

是的 我告诉他们 但我完全不确定我是否真的做好了准备

"She might pass while you're there,"

they warned me.

"Are you sure you're up for it?"

现在 我可以告诉各位 关于这位小女孩的去世

"Yes," I told them, completely unsure if I was.

她在拍完照片后没过几天就离开了我们

Now, I could tell you about this little girl's death,

我可以说 但我不打算说

which happened a few days after I photographed her.

相反 我想向大家展示 这位小女孩的妈妈

I could, but I'm not going to.

她是如何亲吻和抚摸 躺在医院病床上的女儿

Instead, I want to show you the little girl's mother.

How she kissed and stroked the hair of her daughter

即使这个她熟知的世界已经走到了末日

她仍然在那里 用爱守护着她的女儿

as she lay in that too big hospital bed.

我也想向大家展示小女孩的哥哥

Even as the world as she knew it ended forever,

他是如何一边落泪

一边又拿着他黄色的飞机模型 飞过妹妹的头顶

she was there to give love to her daughter.

I want you to see the dying girl's older brother.

这个动作又是如何传递给我希望

How he cried,

but also how he took his yellow airplane

and he flew it above her head.

带着丰富而多彩的情绪 呈现橙色和金色

How I saw then a gesture of hope,

我想带大家一起走进这些房间

colorful emotion, orange and gold.

在这里 母亲抱着她们的孩子 和家人告别

I want to bring you with me into the rooms

我想带大家透过镜头

where the mothers hold their babies and the families say goodbye.

选择焦点 模糊背景

看到那些我们通常会忽视的细节 那些优雅而美好的瞬间

And I want to offer you the chance to see in frames,

to choose the point of focus and blur the background,

我们总认为在这种绝望之地无迹可寻

to see the details we so often miss, the moments of grace and beauty

但在最艰难的时刻

那些家庭

we assume don't exist in those desperate places.

他们毅然选择去爱

抛开了所有

In the hardest moments imaginable,

我不是一个信教的人

those families,

但我可以告诉你 无论你信奉何方

they choose to love,

despite and because of it all.

每一间病房都是一方圣地

I was not raised in religion

and yet I can tell you, whatever you believe,

在我最初确诊时

those rooms are holy ground.

我坚信悲痛会将我吞噬的体无完肤

到现在这种想法仍然会不时出现

When I was first diagnosed,

我永远无法接受这些事实

I was certain grief would swallow me whole

那就是我可能永远也无法为人母

and some days I still think it might.

我可能等不到我的兄弟们结婚的那一天

I will never be at peace with the fact

我可能不会变老

I might not get to be a mother.

老到白发苍苍

那种所有人都害怕并试图反抗的年纪

That I might not see my brothers get married,

我本可以成为一个了不起的老人

that I probably won't become old,

like really old,

我的悲痛感

the kind of old everyone else dreads and tries to fight against.

无边无际

I would've made a great old person.

我对死亡 对离开我爱的人的恐惧感

深入骨髓

My grief --

it's big.

而我以死亡为主题的拍摄工作 也并没有让这些感觉消失

My fear of dying, of leaving behind the people I love.

It's enormous.

死亡本身和美并不搭边

我拍摄的照片也印证了这一点

And my work photographing death has not erased that.

我所目睹的悲痛 万念俱灰

Death itself is rarely beautiful

and the images I capture reflect that too.

十分残忍

The grief I have seen, the immensity of the loss --

但当我握着相机走进那些房间时

我的工作就是去做我儿时一直想做的事

it's brutal.

去捕捉感受 情感的相连 和情绪

But when I walk into those rooms with that camera,

这些 就在我眼前

my job is to do what I always wanted to do as a child.

我从这些家庭那里

To capture the feeling and the connection and the emotion

也从我自己无边的悲痛中感受到

right there in front of me.

只要我足够用心

And what I've learned from all these families

情绪根本不用颜色来彰显

and from my own wild terrain of grief

它们近在眼前 随处可见

is if I pay close enough attention,

我们的组织通过各种方式表达对彼此的爱

I don't need to see emotion in color after all.

It's there and it's visible in the details.

透过镜头

In the way our communities love each other through anything and everything.

我可以永远留存我们互相关爱的证据

再交还给他们永久保存

And with my camera,

如今 我的癌症已经稳定了

I can capture the evidence of that forever,

我非常开心 对于现在来说

and I can give it back to them to keep.

我可以继续活着

Right now, my cancer is stable.

因为从另一个角度说

I am so glad that for now,

我对死亡的恐惧 和害怕失去的痛苦

I get to keep living.

我有多爱生活 多爱出现我生命中的人

Because that's the other side.

My fear of dying, the pain of loss,

这些感觉就有多强烈

it's only as strong as how much I love this life

没有人是做好了准备 再和爱的人挥手告别

and the people in it with me.

失去让我们痛心疾首 无论我们如何努力

我们也无法逃避接踵而来的寸寸离愁

None of us are ever ready to say goodbye to the ones we love.

我的猜想是 无论你是谁 无论你到目前为止经历了什么

Loss is devastating and try as we might,

we can't avoid that shattering grief that follows in its wake.

对这点你已经了然于胸

你一定也知道悲痛的滋味

My guess is no matter who you are or what you've experienced so far,

我们每个人也一定会再次哀悼

当这一天来临 我们有权去愤怒

you already knew this.

You too have grieved

我们可以尽情的大声悼念 我们也应该这样做

and all of us will grieve again.

And when that happens, we will have a right to be angry.

但当最黑暗的日子降临 我们也可以做出选择

We can mourn as loudly as we want, and we should.

不再是沉溺于失去的万丈深渊里无法自拔

But when the worst happens, we have a choice.

充斥着我们的所见 所感

You don't have to stay deep in the dark bitterness of loss

因为唯一能与我们的悲痛相抗衡的

and let that be the only thing that we see or feel.

是我们对逝去之人的爱

Because the one thing that's as strong and as powerful as our grief

这种爱不会消失

就像有千万种明亮而绚烂的色彩

is our love for those who we have lost.

编织进我们悲伤的外衣

And that love will remain

like thousands of bright, colorful strands,

一寸明媚 一寸灰

woven forever through our cloak of grief,

而这种爱 已足以让我们珍藏

beautiful and awful, side by side,

谢谢

and ours to keep.

Thank you.