Betty Hart: How compassion could save your strained relationships | TED

Transcriber:

翻译人员: Accquiro Gu 校对人员: 新 陈

我是父亲的贴心小棉袄， 这没什么不好意思说的。

我的父亲是第一个告诉我 我很漂亮的人。

I am unabashedly a daddy's girl.

他过去总是会告诉我他爱我，

他也是我在这个世界上 最喜欢的人之一，

My daddy is the first person to have told me that I was beautiful.

所以我很难接受，

He often told me that he loved me,

and he was one of my favorite people in the entire world,

我们在思想观念上存在着巨大的、

which was why it was really challenging

现实的分歧，

to discover that we had a deep ideological divide

以至于我整整十年 都没有和他说过话。

that was so sincere and so deep

在“取消”这个网络热词产生之前，

that caused me to not talk to him for 10 years.

我就先行一步， “取消”了我的父亲。

过去几年，

Before the term was coined,

”取消文化“无疑已为人所熟知。

I canceled my father.

一直存在于我们当中，

从社会范畴来说，”取消文化“

In the last few years,

cancel culture has of course come into great prominence.

是指某位知名人士发表或做了某些

It's existed throughout time,

公众反对的言论和事情后，

but cancel culture in the bigger society

就会被舆论抵制。

is when a person in prominence says or does something

他们的职业生涯就结束了。

不再受人敬仰。

that we, the people, disagree with,

从此告别公众视野。

and the decision is made to make them persona non grata.

以上是从社会范畴进行的解释。

They are done.

而我今天想谈谈这个词 在私人范畴的内涵。

They are not to be revered.

They are not to be a part of our world anymore.

即我们选择将某些人 从我们的社交圈中“移除”，

And that is in the public realm.

I'm going to talk to you today about the private realm.

“移除”将那些对我们很重要的人，

“移除”那些爱我们的 和我们爱的人，

When we choose to cancel the people in our circle,

尽管一直以来彼此之间互帮互助，

the people in our core,

但由于思想观念上 巨大的、现实的分歧，

the people who love us and who we love,

我们决定将他们从 我们的生活中“移除”。

and it has been mutually beneficial,

but due to a deep and sincere ideological divide,

我想说的是，我们 需要改变“取消文化”，

we make the decision to cancel them out of our lives.

转向“同情文化”，

I want to suggest that cancel culture needs to change,

在我谈论到这个之前，

我想谈谈我们热衷于“移除”他人的

and instead we need to move to compassion culture.

两个前提。

第一个前提是， 我们坚信自己是对的。

But before I go there,

let me tell you two of the premises that exist

百分之百正确，

when we indulge in cancel culture.

压根不会错。

One, we have to believe that we're right.

第二个前提是，认为对方，

也就是我们要“移除”的那个人，

A hundred percent,

显然不可能

no possibility of being wrong.

做出改变，成长成熟，完善自身。

And two, the other person,

the person we're going to cancel,

clearly does not have the ability

但显而易见， 这两个前提都是有问题的，

因为我们并非总是正确的。

to change, to grow, to develop.

我不了解你们的情况， 但我人生中曾有数次

Obviously, both of these are problematic

坚信自己无比正确，

because sometimes we're not right.

最后却发现自己错了。

I don't know about you, but there have been times in my life

when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was right

大错特错，错得离谱。

only to discover that I was wrong,

这种情况既然能发生在我身上， 也能发生在你身上。

乃至其他人身上。

badly wrong, completely missed the mark.

第二个前提更不可能成立，

So if it could happen to me and perhaps it's happened to you,

因为我知道这些年来 我已经改变了不少。

perhaps it could happen to others.

The second is a little even more challenging

有一直不变的人吗？

尽管我自身的核心部分 基本从未变过，

because I know that I've changed over the years.

但有一些重要的组成部分 发生了巨大的改变。

Haven't we all?

Though the core parts of Betty have pretty much stayed the same,

18岁时的我与8岁时的我 不是同一个人，

there have been key elements that have changed drastically.

与28岁的我、38岁的我 自然也不一样。

The Betty of eight years old was not the same as the Betty of 18,

我已经改变了。

如果我可以改变，

which was not the same as 28, which was not the same as 38.

那我为什么不选择相信别人也能呢？

I've changed.

And if I'm able to change,

所以我们要做些什么？

shouldn't I extend grace to believe that others can change too?

我们应当给予同情， 而非“移除”他人。

So what should we do?

我觉得“同情”一词的定义 十分耐人寻味。

Instead of canceling people, we should use the tool called compassion.

和一般人们所说的“同情”不同。

我说的“同情”是指 要体会别人遭受的一切。

I find the definition of compassion is a fascinating one.

And it's not one that I hear people talk about.

感受他们经历的苦痛。

Compassion means to suffer with someone.

试想一下。

当别人，比如说你的祖父，

他所说的话让你决定

To suffer alongside them.

再也不邀请他来共度感恩节。

Imagine.

When someone, say, Grandpa,

但要是我们选择对 别人的经历感同身受呢？

says that thing that's caused you to decide

he's no longer invited to Thanksgiving,

我们选择给予对方深沉强烈的爱，

what if instead we chose to suffer alongside him?

爱到可以对他人的经历感同身受，

We decided that our love was so big, so deep, so strong

即便这可能会让我们十分痛苦。

现在先让我们明确一件事情。

that we were willing to suffer,

我并不否认任何人 都有“移除”他人的权利。

even when it could be potentially painful.

我只是想说这 可能并不是最好的方法。

Now let's be clear.

I am not denying anyone's right to cancel anyone else.

如果我们在感恩节，

What I'm suggesting is that maybe that's not the best way.

“移除”祖父，

我们彼此的关系就再也不会 像以前那样亲近。

When we think about the situation with Grandpa at Thanksgiving,

我们不仅无法得知他的想法，

他也无从得知我们的想法。

if we choose to cancel him,

we are no longer in proximity to him.

倘若我们是祖父唯一可以依靠的人，

Not only do we not get to hear his point of view,

因为我们彼此之间关系亲厚， 我们对祖父爱得深切——

we don't get to share ours.

What if we're the only person,

你可以将这里的祖父替换为 任何一个你想替换的人。

倘若我们就是播下变革之种，

because of our deep connection and love and affection for our grandfather --

and substitute anyone you choose.

影响之种，

What if we're the ones to plant seeds of change,

多元之种的人。

现在，坦白来讲，

我并不能向你们做出保证， 保证只要播下种子,

seeds of influence,

种子就会得到雨水浇灌，

seeds of difference.

阳光照射，甚至化肥滋养。

Now, to be fair,

I cannot promise you that just because you plant the seed,

但我想说的是，如果你们自己 都不播下这颗种子，

that it will get water,

that it'll get any sunlight or even a little fertilizer.

那还有谁会呢？

But what I can tell you is that if you don't plant it,

我认为对他人的经历 感同身受这一观念

很有意思。

who will?

它意味着我们选择 去尊重一个人的全部，

I find it interesting,

this idea of suffering alongside someone.

而非某一方面，

It means that we are choosing to value the totality of the person

比如某一观念、思维方式 或信仰体系等。

我们选择相信一个人的全部

rather than one particular aspect,

like a framework or a mindset or a belief system.

比任何单一部分更加可贵。

We're choosing to believe that the entire person is more valuable

我也看到这一点在两个绝佳拍档身上 得到完美的诠释。

than any of the individual parts.

可能你们都听说过他们。

And I found an amazing duo who demonstrated this beautifully.

两位已故的大法官

鲁斯·巴德·金斯伯格（Ruth Bader Ginsburg） 和安东尼·斯卡利亚（Antonin Scalia）

Perhaps you've heard of them.

是亲密无间的好友。

The late justices

但他们秉持着两种截然不同的信念。

Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Antonin Scalia

were close, close friends.

事实上安东尼·斯卡利亚曾经说过，

And they were completely divided in terms of belief systems.

“再也没有什么比她的法治思想 更加让人讨厌的了。”

In fact, Antonin Scalia once said,

他认为金斯伯格是错的。

而金斯伯格也没认为他 正确到哪里去。

"What's not to like, other than her thoughts on the law."

二人坚决捍卫自己的观点。

但他们每周都会聚在一起喝茶，

He believed she was wrong.

She believed he was wrong.

They did not shift in that point of view whatsoever.

每年除夕，

他们两家都会一起庆祝。

And yet they had tea together every week,

他们两家人共度假日时光。

and every New Year's Eve,

他们选择对彼此的经历感同身受，

they spent it together with their families.

而非“移除”对方。

They went on family vacations together.

他们对对方的爱和尊重

They chose to suffer with each other rather

不断加深，

纵然双方观点并不一致。

than to cancel each other.

Their love and respect for each other

我觉得或许是好奇心 在其中发挥了重要作用。

continued to grow,

even though they never saw eye to eye.

如果我们对双方的 不同之处存有好奇，

I imagine that curiosity might be a part of that.

就会在相处时发现一些别样之处。

毕竟，如果造就我们的 是过往的生活经历。

That if we choose to be curious about that which is different,

we might discover something along the way.

那别人也未必不是如此。

我们有考虑过去运用共情，

After all, if we are who we are because of our lived experiences,

将心比心，换位思考

isn't that true for someone else?

找到对方对自己信念 坚定不移的深层原因吗？

And have we ever decided to use that tool of empathy,

of walking a mile or so in someone else's shoes

现在你很可能会说，

“是的，好吧，贝蒂（Betty）， 听起来不错。

to really discover the context for why they believe what they believe?

但你自己又是怎么做的呢？

你和你的父亲关系怎么样呢？

Now, by now you're probably saying,

"Yeah, OK, Betty, this sounds good.

这个问题问得好。

在十年未和我父亲说话后，

But what about you?

What about you and your dad?"

我终于在某一天拿起电话， 打给他并说，

It's a fair question.

“我猜现在如果是你的话，

After 10 years of not talking to my dad,

你很可能会想回到当初、做出改变。

I picked up the phone one day, called him and said,

我知道要是我的话我会这样做。

"I bet if it were up to you,

但既然没有如果，

you'd probably go back in time and change some things.

不如我们重新开始好吗？”

I know I would.

我的父亲回答，

“当然，因为我爱你。

But since we can't,

我一直爱你。永远爱你。“

how about we start again?"

And he said,

"Yes, because I love you.

我很庆幸我打了这通电话，

I always have. And I always will."

毕竟我怎么也不会知道，

几年后父亲会患上阿尔茨海默症。

I am so grateful that I made that call

because there was no way for me to know

再过几年，他就会撒手人寰。

that a few years later my dad would develop Alzheimer's.

我们从来没有就我们 之间的分歧达成一致，

And a few years after that he would die.

一直没有。

And we never saw eye to eye about the thing that divided us,

但我们对彼此的爱一直在那里。

尽管这十年间我们断绝联系

ever.

爱也从未消失， 在随后的六年里依然如此。

But our love continued.

因此我希望你们参与进来

It continued through those 10 years when we didn't speak

and it continued in the six years after.

选择同情他人，而非“移除”他人。

So I am encouraging us to become a society of people

我希望大家认识到

对他人保持好奇可能是更好的做法。

that choose compassion over canceling.

我们可以选择与他人共情，

I'm asking us to consider

我们对彼此的爱 可以深沉、宽广、强烈到

that curiosity might be a better practice.

That we might choose empathy,

足以超越彼此之间的分歧。

that we might choose to have a love that is so deep, so wide,

我们为什么要如此恐惧 彼此的不同呢？

so strong that it can surpass differences.

我希望各位做播下种子的人，

Why are we so scared of differences anyway?

那些种子可以变革社会、影响他人，

I also want us to be a people that plant seeds,

推广多元。

再次强调，我并不能向你们 或其他任何人保证，

seeds of change, seeds of influence,

seeds of diversity.

播下种子会带来改变。

Again, I cannot promise to you or anyone else

但万一做到了呢？

造就现在的我的

that planting that seed is going to make a difference.

是我所经历的一切。

这么多年过去了， 我的思维方式早已改变，

But what if it does?

不断成熟，这都得益于一路上 人们在我内心播下的种子，

I am the sum of who I am

because of everything that I've been exposed to.

有一些种子，是我清楚知悉的。 也有种子，是我无从知晓的。

My mind has changed over the years

and grown because of the people in my life who planted seeds in me,

所以为什么不

摒弃“取消文化”

some that I saw and some that I didn't.

创造“同情文化”呢？

So wouldn't it be great

在这样一种文化里，我们愿意 对所爱之人的经历感同身受，

if instead of having a cancel culture

因为我们爱他们。

we create a compassion culture

where we are willing to suffer alongside the ones we love,

我们为什么不去成为 播下种子的那群人呢？

because we love them.

毕竟，如果我们不去做， 还有谁会去做呢？

And can't we become a community that plants seeds?

谢谢。

After all, if we don't, who will?

Thank you.