Betty Hart: How compassion could save your strained relationships | TED

Transcriber:

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Helen Chang

我能毫不掩飾地說，我是個爸寶。

我爸爸是第一個告訴我 我很漂亮的人。

I am unabashedly a daddy's girl.

他常常告訴我他愛我，

他是我全世界最愛的人之一，

My daddy is the first person to have told me that I was beautiful.

那就是為什麼我遇到一個大難題，

He often told me that he loved me,

and he was one of my favorite people in the entire world,

我發現我們兩人在 觀念上的落差非常大，

which was why it was really challenging

我們的分歧很真、很深，

to discover that we had a deep ideological divide

到了讓我十年都不跟他說話的程度。

that was so sincere and so deep

在取消文化一詞被發明之前，

that caused me to not talk to him for 10 years.

我就取消了我父親。

在最近幾年，取消文化 得到相當的矚目。

Before the term was coined,

I canceled my father.

歷史上它一直都存在，

但在更大的社會中的取消文化

In the last few years,

cancel culture has of course come into great prominence.

指的是受矚目的人物 說了或做了什麼，

It's existed throughout time,

而大家不認同，

but cancel culture in the bigger society

於是決定讓他們變得不受歡迎。

is when a person in prominence says or does something

他們玩完了。

他們不再被尊敬。 他們不再是我們世界的一部分。

that we, the people, disagree with,

and the decision is made to make them persona non grata.

那是在公開的領域。

They are done.

今天我要跟大家談的，

They are not to be revered.

They are not to be a part of our world anymore.

是私人的領域。

當我們選擇取消我們圈子內的人、

And that is in the public realm.

I'm going to talk to you today about the private realm.

在我們內圈的人、

愛我們的、我們愛的人，

When we choose to cancel the people in our circle,

且雙方的關係是互益的，

the people in our core,

但卻因為很深、很真的觀念落差，

the people who love us and who we love,

我們便決定把他們 從我們的人生中取消。

and it has been mutually beneficial,

but due to a deep and sincere ideological divide,

我的建議是，

取消文化必須要改變。

we make the decision to cancel them out of our lives.

取而代之，

我們得朝同情文化邁進。

I want to suggest that cancel culture needs to change,

但談這些之前，

讓我告訴各位，當我們沉溺於 取消文化時有哪兩個前提存在。

and instead we need to move to compassion culture.

第一，

But before I go there,

我們必須要相信我們是對的，

let me tell you two of the premises that exist

100% 對的，

when we indulge in cancel culture.

完全不可能錯。

One, we have to believe that we're right.

第二，

對方，

我們要取消的對象，

A hundred percent,

很顯然沒有能力可以改變、

no possibility of being wrong.

And two, the other person,

成長、進步。

the person we're going to cancel,

clearly does not have the ability

這兩個前提很明顯 都大有問題，因為，

to change, to grow, to develop.

有時，我們不是對的。

我不知道各位如何，但我 一生中有好幾回我都知道

Obviously, both of these are problematic

我肯定絕對是對的，

because sometimes we're not right.

後來卻發現我錯了，

I don't know about you, but there have been times in my life

when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was right

大錯特錯，

完全搞錯。

only to discover that I was wrong,

如果我會這樣，也許你也會這樣，

也許其他人也會這樣。

badly wrong, completely missed the mark.

第二項則比較有挑戰性，

So if it could happen to me and perhaps it's happened to you,

因為我知道

這些年來我有改變。

perhaps it could happen to others.

The second is a little even more challenging

我們不都是嗎？

雖然貝蒂（講者的名字）的 核心部分大致上沒變，

because I know that I've changed over the years.

有些關鍵元素已經大大改變了。

Haven't we all?

Though the core parts of Betty have pretty much stayed the same,

八歲的貝蒂和十八歲的貝蒂不同，

there have been key elements that have changed drastically.

也和二十八歲的貝蒂不同， 也和三十八歲的貝蒂不同。

The Betty of eight years old was not the same as the Betty of 18,

我改變了。

如果我能改變，

which was not the same as 28, which was not the same as 38.

我難道不該更通情達理 去相信別人也能改變嗎？

I've changed.

And if I'm able to change,

所以，我們該怎麼辦？

shouldn't I extend grace to believe that others can change too?

我們應該用「同情」這種工具 來取代把別人取消。

So what should we do?

我發現同情有個相當迷人的定義。

Instead of canceling people, we should use the tool called compassion.

且我沒聽過別人講這個定義。

同情的意思是

I find the definition of compassion is a fascinating one.

和某人一起受苦。

And it's not one that I hear people talk about.

陪他們受苦。

Compassion means to suffer with someone.

想像一下。

當某個人，比如祖父，

說了某件事，讓你決定

To suffer alongside them.

感恩節不會再邀請他，

Imagine.

When someone, say, Grandpa,

如果換種方式呢？

換成我們選擇與他一起受苦呢？

says that thing that's caused you to decide

he's no longer invited to Thanksgiving,

我們決定，我們的愛夠大、

what if instead we chose to suffer alongside him?

夠深、夠強，

足以讓我們願意受苦，

We decided that our love was so big, so deep, so strong

即使有可能會很痛苦。

讓我說清楚。

我並不否認任何人 將別人取消的權利。

that we were willing to suffer,

even when it could be potentially painful.

我只是建議，

那可能不是最好的方法。

Now let's be clear.

I am not denying anyone's right to cancel anyone else.

就感恩節要不要 邀請祖父的例子來說，

What I'm suggesting is that maybe that's not the best way.

如果我們選擇取消他，

我們就不會再跟他親近。

When we think about the situation with Grandpa at Thanksgiving,

我們不僅不能聽到他的觀點，

也不能分享我們的觀點。

if we choose to cancel him,

we are no longer in proximity to him.

如果，除了我們沒有別人呢？

Not only do we not get to hear his point of view,

因為我們對我們的祖父有 很深的連結、愛，及感情——

we don't get to share ours.

What if we're the only person,

你可以依你的情況把祖父換成別人。

如果我們要負責種下改變的種子、

because of our deep connection and love and affection for our grandfather --

and substitute anyone you choose.

影響的種子、

What if we're the ones to plant seeds of change,

差別的種子呢？

老實說，

我無法向你保證只要你種下種子，

seeds of influence,

它就會得到水，

seeds of difference.

它就會得到陽光，或甚至一點肥料。

Now, to be fair,

I cannot promise you that just because you plant the seed,

但我可以告訴各位，

that it will get water,

如果你不種，

that it'll get any sunlight or even a little fertilizer.

誰會種？

But what I can tell you is that if you don't plant it,

我覺得很有意思，

陪別人受苦的這個想法很有意思。

who will?

那表示我們選擇 去珍惜這個人的全部，

I find it interesting,

this idea of suffering alongside someone.

而不只是某一個面向，

It means that we are choosing to value the totality of the person

比如想法架構、心態，或信念體系。

我們選擇相信，完整的人更有價值，

rather than one particular aspect,

like a framework or a mindset or a belief system.

勝過任何各別的部分。

We're choosing to believe that the entire person is more valuable

我發現了很不簡單的兩個人，

做了完美的示範。

than any of the individual parts.

也許你也聽過他們。

And I found an amazing duo who demonstrated this beautifully.

已故的法官

露絲‧貝德‧金斯堡 和安東尼‧斯卡利亞，

Perhaps you've heard of them.

他們是很親很親的朋友。

The late justices

而他們有著完全分歧的

Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Antonin Scalia

were close, close friends.

信念體系。

事實上，有一回， 安東尼‧斯卡利亞說：

And they were completely divided in terms of belief systems.

「有什麼不好的？除了 她在法律上的看法之外。」

In fact, Antonin Scalia once said,

他相信她是錯的，她相信他是錯的。

"What's not to like, other than her thoughts on the law."

他們的觀點一點都沒有動搖。

但，他們每週都會一起喝茶，

He believed she was wrong.

She believed he was wrong.

They did not shift in that point of view whatsoever.

且每年，他們兩家人會一起過新年。

And yet they had tea together every week,

他們會一起去家庭度假。

and every New Year's Eve,

他們選擇和彼此一起受苦，

they spent it together with their families.

而不是取消彼此。

They went on family vacations together.

他們對彼此的愛與尊重持續成長，

They chose to suffer with each other rather

雖然他們從來沒有看法一致過。

than to cancel each other.

Their love and respect for each other

我猜想，好奇心可能是一個因素。

continued to grow,

even though they never saw eye to eye.

如果我們選擇對不同之處感到好奇，

I imagine that curiosity might be a part of that.

過程中就可能有所發現。

畢竟，

That if we choose to be curious about that which is different,

如果我們現在的樣子 來自於我們走過的經歷，

we might discover something along the way.

那別人不也是如此嗎？

且，我們可曾決定 要用同理心的工具，

After all, if we are who we are because of our lived experiences,

穿著別人的鞋子走一哩路 （換位思考的意思），

isn't that true for someone else?

真正去發掘他們是在什麼 情境下相信他們所相信的事？

And have we ever decided to use that tool of empathy,

of walking a mile or so in someone else's shoes

此時，你可能在說：

「是啊，好，貝蒂，那聽起來很讚。

to really discover the context for why they believe what they believe?

但，你呢？

你和你爸爸的狀況呢？」

Now, by now you're probably saying,

"Yeah, OK, Betty, this sounds good.

這是個合理的問題。

經過十年都沒有和我爸爸說話之後，

But what about you?

What about you and your dad?"

有一天，我拿起電話打給他，說：

It's a fair question.

「我敢說，如果能由你決定，

After 10 years of not talking to my dad,

你很可能會回到過去，做些改變。

I picked up the phone one day, called him and said,

我知道我會這樣做。

"I bet if it were up to you,

但既然沒辦法回到過去，

you'd probably go back in time and change some things.

那我們重新開始如何？」

I know I would.

他說：

「好，因為我愛你。

But since we can't,

我一直都愛你，也永遠會愛你。」

how about we start again?"

And he said,

"Yes, because I love you.

我好感恩我打了那通電話，

I always have. And I always will."

因為我不可能知道

幾年後

I am so grateful that I made that call

會發現我爸爸患了阿茲海默症。

because there was no way for me to know

再過了幾年，

that a few years later my dad would develop Alzheimer's.

他就走了。

對於讓我們分裂的那件事， 我們從來沒有過共識，

And a few years after that he would die.

從來沒有。

但我們的愛仍然持續。

And we never saw eye to eye about the thing that divided us,

在我們不和彼此說話的 那十年也持續著，

ever.

在那之後的六年也持續著。

But our love continued.

所以，我要鼓勵大家，

It continued through those 10 years when we didn't speak

一同成為

and it continued in the six years after.

選擇同情而非取消的人。

So I am encouraging us to become a society of people

我想大家考量一下，

抱持好奇

that choose compassion over canceling.

可能是更好的做法。

我們可以選擇同理，

I'm asking us to consider

我們可以選擇擁有很深刻、

that curiosity might be a better practice.

很廣大、很堅強的愛，

That we might choose empathy,

用它來超越歧見。

that we might choose to have a love that is so deep, so wide,

我們到底為什麼那麼害怕歧見？

so strong that it can surpass differences.

我也希望大家能成為播種的人，

Why are we so scared of differences anyway?

種下改變的種子、

影響的種子、

I also want us to be a people that plant seeds,

多樣性的種子。

再次聲明，我無法向各位或任何人保證

seeds of change, seeds of influence,

seeds of diversity.

種下種子就會造成不同。

Again, I cannot promise to you or anyone else

但如果能呢？

我就是我本質的總和，

that planting that seed is going to make a difference.

因為我所接觸過的一切。

這些年來，我的想法改變了、 成長了，原因就是

But what if it does?

I am the sum of who I am

我人生中的一些人 在我身上種下了種子，

because of everything that I've been exposed to.

有些是我看得見的，有些我看不見。

My mind has changed over the years

and grown because of the people in my life who planted seeds in me,

這樣不是很棒嗎：

取代取消文化，

some that I saw and some that I didn't.

我們來創造同情文化，

So wouldn't it be great

在這種文化中，我們願意 陪著我們愛的人受苦，

if instead of having a cancel culture

因為我們愛他們。

we create a compassion culture

where we are willing to suffer alongside the ones we love,

我們能不能變成一個播種的社群？

because we love them.

畢竟，

如果我們不做，誰會呢？

And can't we become a community that plants seeds?

謝謝。

After all, if we don't, who will?

（掌聲）

Thank you.