Betty Hart: How compassion could save your strained relationships | TED

95,599 views ・ 2021-03-26

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譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Helen Chang
我能毫不掩飾地說,我是個爸寶。
我爸爸是第一個告訴我 我很漂亮的人。
00:13
I am unabashedly a daddy's girl.
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他常常告訴我他愛我,
他是我全世界最愛的人之一,
00:18
My daddy is the first person to have told me that I was beautiful.
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那就是為什麼我遇到一個大難題,
00:23
He often told me that he loved me,
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00:25
and he was one of my favorite people in the entire world,
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我發現我們兩人在 觀念上的落差非常大,
00:29
which was why it was really challenging
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我們的分歧很真、很深,
00:33
to discover that we had a deep ideological divide
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到了讓我十年都不跟他說話的程度。
00:38
that was so sincere and so deep
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在取消文化一詞被發明之前,
00:42
that caused me to not talk to him for 10 years.
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我就取消了我父親。
在最近幾年,取消文化 得到相當的矚目。
00:50
Before the term was coined,
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00:53
I canceled my father.
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歷史上它一直都存在,
但在更大的社會中的取消文化
00:57
In the last few years,
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00:58
cancel culture has of course come into great prominence.
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指的是受矚目的人物 說了或做了什麼,
01:01
It's existed throughout time,
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而大家不認同,
01:03
but cancel culture in the bigger society
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於是決定讓他們變得不受歡迎。
01:07
is when a person in prominence says or does something
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他們玩完了。
他們不再被尊敬。 他們不再是我們世界的一部分。
01:10
that we, the people, disagree with,
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01:13
and the decision is made to make them persona non grata.
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那是在公開的領域。
01:16
They are done.
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今天我要跟大家談的,
01:18
They are not to be revered.
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01:19
They are not to be a part of our world anymore.
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是私人的領域。
當我們選擇取消我們圈子內的人、
01:22
And that is in the public realm.
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01:25
I'm going to talk to you today about the private realm.
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在我們內圈的人、
愛我們的、我們愛的人,
01:30
When we choose to cancel the people in our circle,
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且雙方的關係是互益的,
01:34
the people in our core,
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但卻因為很深、很真的觀念落差,
01:36
the people who love us and who we love,
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我們便決定把他們 從我們的人生中取消。
01:40
and it has been mutually beneficial,
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01:42
but due to a deep and sincere ideological divide,
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我的建議是,
取消文化必須要改變。
01:48
we make the decision to cancel them out of our lives.
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取而代之,
我們得朝同情文化邁進。
01:53
I want to suggest that cancel culture needs to change,
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但談這些之前,
讓我告訴各位,當我們沉溺於 取消文化時有哪兩個前提存在。
01:59
and instead we need to move to compassion culture.
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第一,
02:04
But before I go there,
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我們必須要相信我們是對的,
02:06
let me tell you two of the premises that exist
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100% 對的,
02:08
when we indulge in cancel culture.
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完全不可能錯。
02:11
One, we have to believe that we're right.
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第二,
對方,
我們要取消的對象,
02:15
A hundred percent,
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很顯然沒有能力可以改變、
02:17
no possibility of being wrong.
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02:20
And two, the other person,
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成長、進步。
02:23
the person we're going to cancel,
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02:25
clearly does not have the ability
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這兩個前提很明顯 都大有問題,因為,
02:28
to change, to grow, to develop.
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有時,我們不是對的。
我不知道各位如何,但我 一生中有好幾回我都知道
02:33
Obviously, both of these are problematic
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我肯定絕對是對的,
02:36
because sometimes we're not right.
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後來卻發現我錯了,
02:40
I don't know about you, but there have been times in my life
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02:43
when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was right
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大錯特錯,
完全搞錯。
02:46
only to discover that I was wrong,
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如果我會這樣,也許你也會這樣,
也許其他人也會這樣。
02:52
badly wrong, completely missed the mark.
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第二項則比較有挑戰性,
02:55
So if it could happen to me and perhaps it's happened to you,
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因為我知道
這些年來我有改變。
02:59
perhaps it could happen to others.
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03:01
The second is a little even more challenging
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我們不都是嗎?
雖然貝蒂(講者的名字)的 核心部分大致上沒變,
03:04
because I know that I've changed over the years.
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有些關鍵元素已經大大改變了。
03:09
Haven't we all?
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03:11
Though the core parts of Betty have pretty much stayed the same,
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八歲的貝蒂和十八歲的貝蒂不同,
03:15
there have been key elements that have changed drastically.
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也和二十八歲的貝蒂不同, 也和三十八歲的貝蒂不同。
03:19
The Betty of eight years old was not the same as the Betty of 18,
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我改變了。
如果我能改變,
03:23
which was not the same as 28, which was not the same as 38.
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我難道不該更通情達理 去相信別人也能改變嗎?
03:28
I've changed.
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03:30
And if I'm able to change,
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所以,我們該怎麼辦?
03:33
shouldn't I extend grace to believe that others can change too?
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我們應該用「同情」這種工具 來取代把別人取消。
03:39
So what should we do?
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我發現同情有個相當迷人的定義。
03:43
Instead of canceling people, we should use the tool called compassion.
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且我沒聽過別人講這個定義。
同情的意思是
03:49
I find the definition of compassion is a fascinating one.
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和某人一起受苦。
03:52
And it's not one that I hear people talk about.
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陪他們受苦。
03:55
Compassion means to suffer with someone.
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想像一下。
當某個人,比如祖父,
說了某件事,讓你決定
04:01
To suffer alongside them.
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感恩節不會再邀請他,
04:04
Imagine.
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04:06
When someone, say, Grandpa,
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如果換種方式呢?
換成我們選擇與他一起受苦呢?
04:09
says that thing that's caused you to decide
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04:12
he's no longer invited to Thanksgiving,
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我們決定,我們的愛夠大、
04:15
what if instead we chose to suffer alongside him?
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夠深、夠強,
足以讓我們願意受苦,
04:20
We decided that our love was so big, so deep, so strong
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即使有可能會很痛苦。
讓我說清楚。
我並不否認任何人 將別人取消的權利。
04:27
that we were willing to suffer,
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04:30
even when it could be potentially painful.
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我只是建議,
那可能不是最好的方法。
04:34
Now let's be clear.
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04:35
I am not denying anyone's right to cancel anyone else.
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就感恩節要不要 邀請祖父的例子來說,
04:40
What I'm suggesting is that maybe that's not the best way.
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如果我們選擇取消他,
我們就不會再跟他親近。
04:45
When we think about the situation with Grandpa at Thanksgiving,
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我們不僅不能聽到他的觀點,
也不能分享我們的觀點。
04:49
if we choose to cancel him,
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04:51
we are no longer in proximity to him.
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如果,除了我們沒有別人呢?
04:53
Not only do we not get to hear his point of view,
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因為我們對我們的祖父有 很深的連結、愛,及感情——
04:57
we don't get to share ours.
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04:59
What if we're the only person,
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你可以依你的情況把祖父換成別人。
如果我們要負責種下改變的種子、
05:03
because of our deep connection and love and affection for our grandfather --
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05:08
and substitute anyone you choose.
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影響的種子、
05:11
What if we're the ones to plant seeds of change,
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差別的種子呢?
老實說,
我無法向你保證只要你種下種子,
05:17
seeds of influence,
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它就會得到水,
05:19
seeds of difference.
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它就會得到陽光,或甚至一點肥料。
05:21
Now, to be fair,
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05:23
I cannot promise you that just because you plant the seed,
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但我可以告訴各位,
05:27
that it will get water,
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如果你不種,
05:29
that it'll get any sunlight or even a little fertilizer.
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誰會種?
05:33
But what I can tell you is that if you don't plant it,
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我覺得很有意思,
陪別人受苦的這個想法很有意思。
05:38
who will?
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那表示我們選擇 去珍惜這個人的全部,
05:42
I find it interesting,
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05:44
this idea of suffering alongside someone.
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而不只是某一個面向,
05:48
It means that we are choosing to value the totality of the person
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比如想法架構、心態,或信念體系。
我們選擇相信,完整的人更有價值,
05:53
rather than one particular aspect,
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05:56
like a framework or a mindset or a belief system.
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勝過任何各別的部分。
06:00
We're choosing to believe that the entire person is more valuable
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我發現了很不簡單的兩個人,
做了完美的示範。
06:05
than any of the individual parts.
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也許你也聽過他們。
06:08
And I found an amazing duo who demonstrated this beautifully.
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已故的法官
露絲‧貝德‧金斯堡 和安東尼‧斯卡利亞,
06:15
Perhaps you've heard of them.
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他們是很親很親的朋友。
06:18
The late justices
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而他們有著完全分歧的
06:21
Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Antonin Scalia
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06:24
were close, close friends.
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信念體系。
事實上,有一回, 安東尼‧斯卡利亞說:
06:28
And they were completely divided in terms of belief systems.
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「有什麼不好的?除了 她在法律上的看法之外。」
06:34
In fact, Antonin Scalia once said,
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他相信她是錯的,她相信他是錯的。
06:38
"What's not to like, other than her thoughts on the law."
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他們的觀點一點都沒有動搖。
但,他們每週都會一起喝茶,
06:43
He believed she was wrong.
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06:45
She believed he was wrong.
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06:47
They did not shift in that point of view whatsoever.
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且每年,他們兩家人會一起過新年。
06:51
And yet they had tea together every week,
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他們會一起去家庭度假。
06:55
and every New Year's Eve,
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他們選擇和彼此一起受苦,
06:57
they spent it together with their families.
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而不是取消彼此。
07:00
They went on family vacations together.
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他們對彼此的愛與尊重持續成長,
07:03
They chose to suffer with each other rather
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雖然他們從來沒有看法一致過。
07:07
than to cancel each other.
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07:10
Their love and respect for each other
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我猜想,好奇心可能是一個因素。
07:13
continued to grow,
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07:14
even though they never saw eye to eye.
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如果我們選擇對不同之處感到好奇,
07:19
I imagine that curiosity might be a part of that.
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過程中就可能有所發現。
畢竟,
07:24
That if we choose to be curious about that which is different,
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如果我們現在的樣子 來自於我們走過的經歷,
07:28
we might discover something along the way.
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那別人不也是如此嗎?
且,我們可曾決定 要用同理心的工具,
07:31
After all, if we are who we are because of our lived experiences,
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穿著別人的鞋子走一哩路 (換位思考的意思),
07:36
isn't that true for someone else?
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真正去發掘他們是在什麼 情境下相信他們所相信的事?
07:39
And have we ever decided to use that tool of empathy,
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07:42
of walking a mile or so in someone else's shoes
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此時,你可能在說:
「是啊,好,貝蒂,那聽起來很讚。
07:46
to really discover the context for why they believe what they believe?
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但,你呢?
你和你爸爸的狀況呢?」
07:51
Now, by now you're probably saying,
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07:53
"Yeah, OK, Betty, this sounds good.
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這是個合理的問題。
經過十年都沒有和我爸爸說話之後,
07:56
But what about you?
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07:58
What about you and your dad?"
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有一天,我拿起電話打給他,說:
08:01
It's a fair question.
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「我敢說,如果能由你決定,
08:04
After 10 years of not talking to my dad,
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你很可能會回到過去,做些改變。
08:08
I picked up the phone one day, called him and said,
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我知道我會這樣做。
08:12
"I bet if it were up to you,
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但既然沒辦法回到過去,
08:15
you'd probably go back in time and change some things.
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那我們重新開始如何?」
08:19
I know I would.
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他說:
「好,因為我愛你。
08:22
But since we can't,
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我一直都愛你,也永遠會愛你。」
08:24
how about we start again?"
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08:27
And he said,
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08:29
"Yes, because I love you.
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我好感恩我打了那通電話,
08:32
I always have. And I always will."
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因為我不可能知道
幾年後
08:38
I am so grateful that I made that call
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會發現我爸爸患了阿茲海默症。
08:43
because there was no way for me to know
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再過了幾年,
08:45
that a few years later my dad would develop Alzheimer's.
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他就走了。
對於讓我們分裂的那件事, 我們從來沒有過共識,
08:51
And a few years after that he would die.
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從來沒有。
但我們的愛仍然持續。
08:56
And we never saw eye to eye about the thing that divided us,
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在我們不和彼此說話的 那十年也持續著,
09:02
ever.
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在那之後的六年也持續著。
09:04
But our love continued.
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所以,我要鼓勵大家,
09:08
It continued through those 10 years when we didn't speak
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一同成為
09:11
and it continued in the six years after.
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選擇同情而非取消的人。
09:15
So I am encouraging us to become a society of people
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我想大家考量一下,
抱持好奇
09:20
that choose compassion over canceling.
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可能是更好的做法。
我們可以選擇同理,
09:24
I'm asking us to consider
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我們可以選擇擁有很深刻、
09:27
that curiosity might be a better practice.
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很廣大、很堅強的愛,
09:31
That we might choose empathy,
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用它來超越歧見。
09:34
that we might choose to have a love that is so deep, so wide,
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我們到底為什麼那麼害怕歧見?
09:39
so strong that it can surpass differences.
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我也希望大家能成為播種的人,
09:45
Why are we so scared of differences anyway?
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種下改變的種子、
影響的種子、
09:51
I also want us to be a people that plant seeds,
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多樣性的種子。
再次聲明,我無法向各位或任何人保證
09:56
seeds of change, seeds of influence,
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10:00
seeds of diversity.
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種下種子就會造成不同。
10:03
Again, I cannot promise to you or anyone else
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但如果能呢?
我就是我本質的總和,
10:08
that planting that seed is going to make a difference.
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因為我所接觸過的一切。
這些年來,我的想法改變了、 成長了,原因就是
10:13
But what if it does?
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10:15
I am the sum of who I am
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我人生中的一些人 在我身上種下了種子,
10:18
because of everything that I've been exposed to.
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有些是我看得見的,有些我看不見。
10:21
My mind has changed over the years
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10:23
and grown because of the people in my life who planted seeds in me,
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這樣不是很棒嗎:
取代取消文化,
10:28
some that I saw and some that I didn't.
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我們來創造同情文化,
10:31
So wouldn't it be great
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在這種文化中,我們願意 陪著我們愛的人受苦,
10:33
if instead of having a cancel culture
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因為我們愛他們。
10:36
we create a compassion culture
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10:39
where we are willing to suffer alongside the ones we love,
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我們能不能變成一個播種的社群?
10:43
because we love them.
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畢竟,
如果我們不做,誰會呢?
10:47
And can't we become a community that plants seeds?
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謝謝。
10:52
After all, if we don't, who will?
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(掌聲)
10:59
Thank you.
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