Lessons from My Father’s Final Days | Laurel Braitman | TED

翻译人员: Lydia Guan 校对人员: Tianyun Liu

You could say I had an unconventional childhood for a couple reasons.

因为几个原因， 你可以说我有一个不同寻常的童年。

I was born to Jewish

我出生于一个犹太家庭，

avocado and citrus growers in rural Southern California.

我家在南加州的乡村 种植鳄梨和柑橘。

My dad was a surgeon at our local hospital,

我父亲是当地医院的外科医生，

and my mom ran the ranch

我母亲经营牧场，

where we sold our fruit commercially and they rescued donkeys.

我们家以销售水果为生， 还救援过驴子。

My early childhood was so beautiful,

我的童年是如此美好、

strange and very privileged.

独特、丰富多彩。

And you could say that I really had nothing to worry about

可以说，我的日子无忧无虑，

until I did.

直到好景不长。

When I was three and my dad was 42,

当我 3 岁、我父亲 42 岁的那年，

he was diagnosed with metastatic bone cancer

他被诊断出患有转移性骨癌，

and he was told he had six months to live.

并被告知他只有六个月的生命。

He had his right leg amputated and he went in for chemo and radiation,

他的右腿被截肢 并接受了化疗和放射治疗，

which in the early 1980s for bone cancer was especially brutal.

在 20 世纪 80 年代， 对骨癌的治疗都特别粗暴。

And then, miraculously, he didn't die.

然后，奇迹般地， 他活下来了。

First we got a year, then we got two,

起初过了一年、然后是两年，

then we got five and then we got seven.

接着五年、七年。

And then when I was 11,

但当我 11 岁时，

the cancer came back and stayed for good.

他的癌症复发了， 还一直持续了下去。

We lived between scans, like, that's how our time was meted out.

扫描检查充斥着我们的生活， 成为了我家的时间单位。

And we lived with the constant ticking clock of mortality.

我们生活在不断滴答作响的死亡钟声里。

We all have a clock like this.

我们每个人都有一个这样的时钟。

It's just in my family,

只是在我家里，

we could hear ours all the time.

我们可以随时听到 那个死亡时钟的声音。

More often than not, one of his scans turned up something.

很多时候，一次扫描 就会发现一点新东西。

Back tumor here, a neck tumor there,

这里是背部肿瘤， 那里是颈部肿瘤，

his other knee.

另一只膝盖也遭了殃。

And then he would go in for treatment and then he would come back to us.

然后他住院接受治疗， 然后他会回到我们身边。

It was a little bit like a sinister version of “The Giving Tree,”

这有点像《爱心树》的残酷版本，

only he was trading body parts for time with us.

只是他用自己的身体 换取留在我们身边的时间。

And then, as I mentioned, when I was 11,

然后，正如我前面提到的， 当我 11 岁的时候，

really he found out this was going to kill him and quickly.

他终于意识到癌症会很快带走他。

And that's when he decided

那时他决定

that he was going to teach my brother and I

他决定要教我和我哥哥 所有我们需要掌握的技能，

all the skills we would need to know to survive without him.

以便在没有他的情况下生存。

And so while other kids were having play dates after school

因此，当其他孩子放学后玩过家家

and riding their bikes,

或骑自行车的时候，

my brother and I were in my dad's version of survival school.

我和哥哥正在上我爸爸的生存课堂。

And we were learning all kinds of things:

我们学习各种各样的东西：

how to squish a man's eyeballs out if I was ever attacked.

遭到袭击时， 如何压扁一个人的眼球。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

All about the Dewey decimal system,

关于杜威十进制分类法的一切，

I don't know why.

我不知道为什么要学这个。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

The role of nitrogen in soil health.

氮在土壤健康中的作用。

Member nations of the United Nations,

联合国的成员国有哪些，

and so much more.

还有很多别的。

He was also doing a lot of things to be present for us after he died.

他还做了很多事情， 让我们在他过世后依然受益。

So things like becoming a beekeeper

比如成为一名养蜂人，

and putting away enough honey that he knew wouldn't spoil

保存很多他知道不会变质的蜂蜜，

so that we would have it for decades.

让我们能吃上几十年。

Or planting trees around the ranch

又比如绕着牧场种满了一圈树

that would shade and feed us after he was gone.

在他过世后这些树会给我们 遮阴和提供食物。

Or even though I was only 12 at this point,

又比如，尽管我那时候只有 12 岁，

he started a coop of doves and put my brother in charge

他已经养了一群鸽子 然后交给我哥哥打理，

so that he would let them go at my wedding someday.

这样在我未来的婚礼上， 就有鸽子放飞了。

Throughout it all,

一路走来，

I knew he was suffering and often in terrible pain,

我知道他饱受病魔的折磨， 还经常伴随着可怕的病痛，

even though he really did not like to talk about it.

尽管他很不乐意说起这些。

And he always used to say

并且，他经常说，

that when he couldn't enjoy life with me, my brother and my mom, he would die.

当他再也没法和我、我哥哥以及我妈妈 享受生活的时候，他就不活了。

And I took this at face value until one afternoon when I was 16.

我一直按字面理解这句话的意思， 直到 16 岁的一个下午。

I went into their medicine cabinet looking for something

我走进家里的药品柜找东西

and I found an unmarked pill bottle with dosage instructions.

然后我发现了一瓶没有标记的药瓶， 上面有用药说明。

And I just knew.

那一刻我才恍然大悟。

It was a terminal prescription.

那是末期处方药。

It was right-to-die medication before it was legal.

是在安乐死合法化之前的药物。

I wasn't mad.

我没有生气。

I immediately understood what he had been saying all those years,

我立刻明白了他这些年来一直在说什么，

and that he had a plan,

他有一个计划，

that there was a level of pain and suffering

当病痛和折磨到一定程度

that he wasn't willing to experience,

他就不愿意， 也不需要再经历这一切了。

and I didn't say anything to anybody, just put it back and left.

我没对任何人透露一个字， 只是把它放回去然后离开了。

And then six months later,

那之后，过了六个月，

we were on the phone

我们在打电话，

and we got into a terrible fight.

但是我们越吵越凶。

It was so stupid.

真是特别蠢的一件事。

It was about me not wanting to do my college applications,

起因是我不想填报大学申请表，

and I was so angry

我生气上头了，

and I hung up on him

我挂断了他的电话，

without saying goodbye and without saying I loved him.

没有说再见， 也没有说我爱他。

I didn't know it,

我不知道的是，

but he was about to take his medication.

那时候他正准备服用临终药物。

And I think when it came down to it,

我觉得， 在他那个处境，

saying goodbye to me was just too impossible.

跟我道别实在是太难了。

By the time I got home, he was unconscious

当我回到家时， 他已经失去意识

and I would never hear his voice again.

我再也听不到他的声音了。

I dealt with his death

我通过加倍努力

by doubling down on the things he wanted for me.

去实现他对我的期望， 从而应对他的去世。

I chased academic honors like a drug.

我像上瘾一般追逐学术荣誉。

I played not one, but two Division I college sports.

我不仅参加了一项， 还参加了两项NCAA一级大学体育运动。

I wrote a book.

我写了一本书。

I got my PhD,

我拿到了博士学位，

and then in my mid-thirties,

然后在我三十多岁的时候，

I realized I was just completely exhausted.

我意识到自己彻底精疲力尽了。

I had been living my entire adult life

我的整个成年生活

in a way to prove to myself that I was good,

都是为了向自己证明我是一个好人，

because someone who is good is not someone who hangs up

因为一个好人不会当着她垂死父亲的面，

on her dying dad.

直接挂断电话。

I was using achievement

我用一个个成就

and all of the shiny things that come along with it,

和所有随之而来的荣耀，

as a way of anesthetizing my own bad feelings

来麻醉自己的不良情绪，

of shame, regret and fear.

夹杂着羞愧、悔恨和恐惧。

Those feelings were so big,

那些感情太沉重了

I worried that if I let myself feel them for even a minute,

我担心如果我让自己感受它们一分钟，

I would never, ever feel anything else again.

它们就会把我彻底吞没。

But you cannot kill negative feelings,

遗憾的是，你没办法消除负面情绪，

sadly, with work and avoidance.

工作和逃避，都行不通。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And mine came back with a jolt.

找回自我的救赎，颇为颠簸。

On the outside, I was successful and thriving,

在外面，我是成功人士、风光无限，

and on the inside I was anxious,

而在内心深处，我感到焦虑、

terrified and questioning my worth.

恐惧并不断质疑自己的价值。

By avoiding all of the negative feelings,

通过逃避所有的负面情绪，

I was muting the fantastic ones too.

我也在抑制那些美妙的情绪。

I was so scared about missing out

我非常害怕错过

and losing more of the best things in life --

和失去更多生命里最美好的事物——

joy, awe, love, wonder --

快乐、敬佩、爱、期待——

that I couldn't even let myself experience them.

那些我甚至不敢让自己体验的美好。

I needed to find a new way to be.

我需要找到一种新的生活方式。

I wanted to find a new way to be.

我想找到一种新的生活方式。

So I did a bunch of stuff.

所以我做了很多事情。

I interviewed a ton of grief specialists and therapists,

我采访了众多悲伤专家和治疗师，

and I even went out into the wilderness with no food and no tent,

甚至在没有食物 也没有帐篷的情况下去到荒野

to do the thing that scared me most,

去做那件最让我害怕的事情，

which was to be alone with my own thoughts and feelings

那就是独自面对自己的思想和感受

and absolutely nothing to distract me from them.

没有任何东西可以打扰我独处的反思。

I learned I can go about five days without eating,

我发现了我可以大约五天不需要吃东西，

about a week without talking to anyone,

大约一周不需要和任何人说话，

and forever without checking my phone.

以及永远不需要看手机。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But what hit me the hardest

但是对我触动最大的

was becoming a volunteer

是成为一名志愿者

at a grief support organization for kids.

加入一家儿童悲伤关怀的组织。

So many of them thought they were bad, too.

他们中的许多人也认为自己很糟糕。

They'd been out of the room playing when their mom died,

妈妈去世时他们一直在房间外面玩耍，

or they'd said something in anger to an ill parent that they regretted.

或者他们对一个生病的父母 愤怒地说了些他们追悔莫及的话。

And I could so clearly see

我可以无比清楚地看到，

that the painful things that had happened to these kids were not their fault.

发生在这些孩子身上的痛苦不是他们的错。

For the first time, I was able to see that that was probably true for me too.

那是第一次，我能够看出来， 这个事实对我来说也是如此。

By blaming themselves,

孩子们指责自己，

the kids were making their losses make sense.

让他们的失去变得合情合理。

Even though it hurt to blame themselves,

尽管责备自己很痛苦，

it gave them a reason for the terrible thing that happened,

但这给了他们理由去解释 为什么会有可怕的事情发生，

like losing someone they love for no reason at all.

比如，无缘无故就失去他们所爱的人。

Maybe some of you can relate.

也许你们当中有些人能理解。

Often when we feel difficult things,

通常，当我们感到困难时，

we blame ourselves

我们会责怪自己，

because it's easier than admitting we have no control.

因为这比承认自己无能为力要容易得多。

That's what I had been doing for the 25 years since my dad died.

在我父亲去世的 25 年里 我一直就在做这件事。

But just because you feel guilt and shame,

但是，仅仅因为你感到内疚和羞愧，

does not mean you did something wrong.

并不意味着你做错了什么。

Just because you feel regret

仅仅因为你感到后悔

does not necessarily mean you should have acted differently.

并不一定意味着你应该采取不同的行动。

It sounds very simple and it is very hard to accept.

这听起来很简单，又很难接受。

But ...

但是...

Life is nothing

生活无非就是

except one long sushi conveyor belt of things that are going to test you

一条漫长的寿司传送带，充满了

and teach you at the same time.

考验以及教导。

I know this because first I lost my dad,

我之所以明白这一点， 是因为起初我失去了父亲，

but then we lost our family home to wildfire.

后来，我们又因山火 失去了家里的房子。

The house and everything in it burned,

房子和里面的所有东西都被烧毁了，

including almost everything that my dad had worked so hard

包括了我父亲绝大部分的心血

to do and leave for us after he died.

那些在他死后留给我们的东西。

And yet,

但是，

in one small wooden shed

在一个小小的小木屋里，

that I do not know how this was spared by the fire,

我也不知道它怎么在火灾里躲过一劫的，

behind a bunch of old farming equipment,

在一堆旧的农用设备后面，

we found a couple five-gallon plastic buckets of my dad's honey.

我们找到几桶来自父亲的 五加仑塑料桶装蜂蜜。

He'd harvested it more than 30 years earlier

他在 30 多年前采集下来的蜂蜜

and it was still perfect.

现在依然保存完好。

The ancient Egyptians used honey as a sweetener

古埃及人使用蜂蜜作为甜味剂

and also as a natural antibiotic.

也用作天然抗生素。

On one papyrus, it was written that when the Sun god cried,

在一张纸莎草文献上写着， 当太阳神哭的时候，

his tears fell to Earth

他的眼泪落到地面上

and became bees that made honey for the people.

变成了为人们制造蜂蜜的蜜蜂。

Life from grief.

生机在悲伤中萌发。

Pain into sweetness.

痛苦会酿成蜜芽。

Sorrow into medicine.

遗憾会酿成疗药。

Two years after the fire,

火灾发生的两年后，

I lost my mom.

我失去了母亲。

Also to cancer.

又是癌症。

But quickly this time.

但是这次很快。

She chose right-to-die too, which was legal now.

她也选择了安乐死， 现在这已经是合法的了。

And because of the experience we'd had with my dad,

而且由于我们和我父亲的经历，

we vowed that this time would be totally different.

我们发誓这次会完全不同。

No one would be left wondering if they messed up

没有人会悔恨担忧他们是否搞砸了，

or if she knew how much she meant to them.

或者她还没明白到自己对他们有多重要。

So we had a living memorial service for her,

因此，我们为她举行了现场追悼会，

and we each took turns telling her how much she meant to us,

我们每个人轮流告诉她 她对我们有多重要，

and she said the same thing back.

她也让我们明白： 我们对她同等重要。

It was so beautiful

追悼会十分动人，

and it also really hurt.

也十分忧伤。

I think if you can swing it,

我觉得，如果你能把握好的话，

everyone deserves the chance to say goodbye.

每个人都应该拥有说再见的机会。

What I know now,

我现在明白到，

and what I wish I could tell my younger self,

也希望我能早点告诉年轻的自己，

is that you cannot have joy without pain.

那就是：经历苦难，才有乐事。

You cannot have resilience without challenges.

经历困境，才有坚毅。

Happiness without sadness

经历悲伤，才有欢喜。

or bravery without fear.

经历畏惧，才有勇气。

These things are not opposites.

这些事情并不对立。

They are partners.

他们相互相依。

There is no such thing as happily ever after.

童话般的大团圆结局并不存在，

I'm sorry.

我很抱歉。

There is only sadly happy and happily sad.

只要有悲伤的幸福和幸福的悲伤。

And that's enough.

这就足够了。

It's more than enough, honestly.

老实说，这已经绰绰有余了。

I like to think that before we enter this world,

我喜欢这么想， 在我们进入这个世界之前，

we are asked to sign a kind of cosmic release form,

我们被要求签署一份宇宙授权协议书，

acknowledging the extreme risk it is

明白这些都有高危风险：

to care deeply about anyone or anything or any place.

深切地关心任何人、 任何事物，乃至任何地方。

I imagine it goes something like this.

我想上面大概是这么写的。

"I hereby acknowledge that in exchange for the chance to live,

“我在此确认， 为了换取投胎做人的机会，

I must accept both pain and pleasure,

我必须接受痛苦和快乐，

joy and sorrow,

高兴和悲伤，

often at the exact same time."

往往还得是同一时间接住。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

This is the ticket price for the chance that is to live.

这就是通往生命的门票， 它早已标好了价格。

It's never too late to sign it.

多晚你都可以签署它。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）