I stepped out of grief -- by dancing with fire | Danielle Torley

Transcriber: Leslie Gauthier Reviewer: Camille Martínez

翻译人员: Leslie Gauthier 校对人员: Helen Chang

在我六岁那年，

我们的家遭受了火灾，

我的母亲也在那场事故中丧生了。

那是密歇根州二月里一个寒冷的夜晚。

我们的烟囱刚修好不久，

When I was six years old,

所以我们壁炉里有温暖的火。

our house caught fire,

and my mother died.

我和我妹妹坐在我们的狗旁边

It was a cold February night in Michigan.

用一盒崭新的彩色铅笔画画，

Our chimney had recently been fixed,

so we had a warm fire going in the fireplace.

那时妈妈说该睡觉了。

我们正计划到北方

My younger sister and I were sitting next to our dog

去玩一整个周末的雪地摩托和雪橇。

and coloring with a brand-new box of colored pencils,

但是天已经黑了，外面还在下雪。

when Mom said it was time for bed.

所以我们决定第二天早上再离开。

We'd planned to go up north that night

我们上了楼，刷了牙，爬进床里。

for a weekend of snowmobiling and sledding,

but it was already dark and snowing outside,

我妹妹的房间就在楼梯旁边，

so we decided to leave the next morning instead.

我的则在走廊的另一头。

父母给我们盖好被子， 吻我们道晚安。

We went upstairs, brushed our teeth, climbed into bed,

然后让门只开了一条缝，

my sister's room right next to the stairs,

走廊的灯还亮着，一如既往。

and mine at the far end of the hallway.

Our parents tucked us in and kissed us good night

半夜里，我醒来时满头大汗。

then left the door open just a crack,

我很困惑，因为我看不到走廊的灯光。

and the hallway light on, as it always was.

我开始呼喊我的父母

In the middle of the night, I woke up sweating,

直到最后，我听到了 我永远不会忘记的话：

“Dave，着火了！”

confused because I couldn't see that hallway light.

后来我们发现我们早先时候的炉火

I started shouting for my parents

until finally, I heard words that I'll never forget:

已经烧穿了烟囱中的裂缝，

并导致壁炉门爆炸

"Dave, it's a fire!"

让火焰涌进客厅中。

We later found out that our fire from earlier

had burned through an unrepaired crack in the chimney,

我还记得我妈妈跑到我妹妹的房间，

疯了似的寻找她，

causing the fireplace doors to explode

直到最后发现她躺在地板上。

and fire to just pour into the living room.

I remember my mom running down to my sister's room,

我用手和膝盖在她后面爬行，

试着不让自己吸入浓烟。

frantically searching for her

and finally finding her on the floor.

我还记得我站在我妹妹的房间旁边，

试着打开走廊的灯，

I crawled after her on my hands and knees,

trying not to breathe in the smoke.

但我发现它已经开着了；

我看不见，只是因为烟太浓了。

I remember standing next to my sister's room,

trying to turn on that hallway light,

我还记得我的皮肤能感觉到火的温度

but it was already on;

还能听到火势顺着楼梯爬上来的声音。

I just couldn't see it because the smoke was so thick.

I remember feeling the heat of the fire on my skin

我爸爸跑到我卧室的窗户边， 想把窗户作为逃生路线，

and hearing the sound of it as it climbed up the stairs.

但当时是二月，它被冻得紧闭着。

最后，他打破窗户并撬开了它，

My dad ran down to my bedroom window as an escape route,

他的手臂和双手满是玻璃渣和伤口。

but it was February, and it was frozen shut.

他把我和妹妹抱到窗下的遮阳篷上，

Eventually, he broke the window and pried it open,

叫我们大声呼救。

his arms and hands covered in glass and cuts.

因为没看到我母亲，

他考虑过回到火场里去找她，

He lifted my sister and me onto an awning under the window

但看着我和我妹 在屋顶上蜷缩成一团，

and told us to shout for help.

他知道如果进去，他俩都出不来了，

Not seeing my mom,

he considered going back into the fire to find her,

他最终还是与我们一起，

but after looking at my sister and me huddled together on that roof

隔着窗户喊她的名字。

and knowing that neither of them may make it out,

几分钟之后，

一个在街上开车的人看见了烟和火。

he stayed with us,

calling her name through the window instead.

开到我们的草坪上，

爬上了他的车顶

让我们跳进他的怀里。

After a few minutes,

a man driving down the street saw the smoke and fire,

我们以前从未见过他，

尽管他救了我们的命，

drove onto our lawn,

我们却从此再没见过他。

climbed onto the roof of his car

我们被带到一个邻居的家里，

and told us to jump into his arms.

而父亲则在车顶上继续等着母亲。

We'd never seen him before,

and even though he saved our lives,

把他的胳膊和手透过窗户

we never saw him again.

伸进火里

We were brought over to a neighbor's house

一遍又一遍的叫着她的名字。

while Dad continued to wait on the roof for my mom,

reaching his arms and hands through the window

后来，他说，当消防队抵达

他们把他抬下梯子时， 下层的一扇窗户突然碎了，

and into the fire,

calling her name over and over.

还燃起了火焰。

He said later that when the fire department arrived,

这让消防队花了更多时间 才找到我妈妈。

they carried him down the ladder just as a lower-level window shattered

她被掉在她腿上的梳妆台压住了

and burst into flames.

一直倒在我卧室的地板上。

It took the fire department longer to find my mom.

我们认为她是回去找我们的狗，

She'd been on the floor of my bedroom the entire time,

但当消防部门赶到时，已经太迟了。

pinned down by a dresser that had fallen on her leg.

她在去医院的途中过世了。

We think she went back to look for our dog,

而爸爸情况危急，

but by the time the fire department reached them it was too late.

吸入浓烟，烧伤， 身体三分之一以上被割伤。

She died on the way to the hospital.

他在医院里住了将近一个月，

Dad was in critical condition,

无法参加妈妈的葬礼，

with smoke inhalation and burns and cuts over a third of his body.

并经历了多次痛苦的植皮手术。

He spent nearly a month in the hospital,

我和妹妹则待在街对面的邻居家里，

unable to attend Mom's funeral

但我们会在他们客厅的窗户前 坐上几个小时，

and undergoing multiple, excruciating skin graft surgeries.

只是盯着我们被烧毁的家的残骸。

My sister and I stayed with a neighbor across the street,

几天后，很显然

but we would sit in front of their living room window for hours,

我们需要去和不同的亲友家借住。

just staring at the remains of our burnt home.

接下来的几年是艰难的。

After a few days, it became evident

作为一个有两个女儿的单身父亲，

that we would need to go and stay with some different family friends.

他尽了他最大的努力来供养我们。

我們大家都在哀悼和恢復。

The next few years were tough.

As a single father of two young girls,

我们开始在新的生活中前进，

Dad did his very best to provide for us

爸爸在街那头买了一所新房子， 没有壁炉，

as we all tried to grieve and recover.

并且再婚了。

We began to move on in this new reality.

我和我妹妹在学校表现优异，

我是啦啦队长，

Dad bought a new house down the street, without a fireplace,

而她会骑马，在乐队里演奏。

但什么也阻止不了 萦绕在我心头的揪心的噩梦。

and eventually remarried.

My sister and I excelled in school.

I was a cheerleader,

我会梦见那场火灾，

and she rode horses and played in the band.

梦见被困在火里无法逃生。

But nothing could stop the gut-wrenching nightmares that haunted me.

我记得，甚至现在我还能感觉到。

极度的恐慌和胸口的压力。

I would dream of fire,

of being trapped in fire with no escape.

或者更糟的是，在梦里， 我在大火外看着它,

I remember, and even now I can feel,

the sheer panic and the pressure in my chest.

试图拯救里面的人。

我会气喘吁吁地醒来，

Or worse were the dreams where I was outside the fire watching it,

泪流满面，抽泣着。

trying to save the people inside.

I'd wake up gasping for breath,

当我十五岁的时候，

tears running down my face and sobbing.

我的一个朋友 是个很有天赋的艺术家，

他为我画了两幅抽象画。

一个是黑白的

When I was 15,

描绘了一个害怕的女孩 蜷缩在房间的角落里。

a friend of mine and a very talented artist,

阴影包围着她，

painted two abstract portraits for me.

另一幅则是五彩缤纷的彩虹；

One was done in black and white

and depicted a scared girl cowering in the corner of a room,

这个女孩在画面的中央，

张开双臂，

显然充满了快乐和幸福。

shadows surrounding her.

The other was a bursting rainbow of color;

他知道我的过去，

the girl was in the center of the page,

他知道我很矛盾、很困惑，

arms open and outstretched,

但他也看到了我的潜力，

clearly full of joy and happiness.

想让我看看他已经看到的东西。

He knew my past,

几年后，我意识到这两幅肖像

and he knew that I was conflicted and confused,

向我展示了我两条完全不同的路：

but he had also seen my potential

and wanted to show me what he already saw.

充满恐惧的生活

或者充满希望、充满复苏潜力的生活。

After a few years, I realized that these two portraits

我总是被那幅更明亮、 更丰富多彩的画所吸引。

showed two completely different paths before me:

但我不太确定这对我意味着什么，

a life of fear

or the promise and potential for recovery.

也不确定如何把心态 转变成那种快乐和幸福。

I had always been drawn to that brighter, more colorful painting,

所以表面上，我继续生活 --

but I wasn't quite sure what it meant for me

高中毕业，进入大学 --

or how to transform my current mentality into that kind of joy and happiness.

而内心里

我继续在最高处

So outwardly, I moved on with life --

和最低处之间弹来弹去，

graduated high school, went to college --

就像两幅画像之间的一个乒乓球。

while inwardly,

I continued to bounce between the highest of highs

2004年，我和一个朋友 去中美洲徒步旅行。

and the lowest of lows,

like a Ping-Pong ball between those two portraits.

我们在Honduras海岸

附近的Roatán岛度过了第一周。

在那度过几天后， 我和朋友意识到

In 2004, I went backpacking through Central America with a friend.

我们在当地交的一个新朋友是火舞者。

We spent our first week on the island of Roatán,

我们俩以前都没见过火舞，

off the coast of Honduras.

After a few days there, my friend and I realized

所以一天晚上 我们决定去看一场演出。

that one of our new local friends was a fire dancer.

表演让我们深深着迷，

Neither of us had ever seen fire dancing before,

他和两个朋友把这些道具点燃，

so one night, we decided to go see a show.

将它们扔向天空，

We watched, mesmerized,

绕着自己的身体旋转。

as he and two friends lit these props on fire,

他们的动作从容而有节制，

threw them in the air

优雅而流畅地配合着音乐。

and spun them around their bodies.

Their moves were deliberate and controlled,

我完全被迷住了。

yet still graceful and flowing to the music.

第二天，他主动提出教我们跳火舞 也就是“旋转”——

当然，是不用火的。

I was completely entranced.

他教我们两种道具的差别，

火棍是一长块木头或铝， 上面有两个凯夫拉灯芯，

The next day, he offered to teach us how to fire dance, or "spin" --

without fire, of course.

而火链是凯夫拉纤维制成的， 带链条和手指环的灯芯。

He showed us the difference between a fire staff,

which is a long piece of wood or aluminum with two Kevlar wicks,

第一次舞动火链之后，

and fire poi, which are Kevlar wicks with chains and finger loops.

我知道这将是一个 我想接着学习的爱好。

希望也许有一天，

After that first time spinning poi,

我能够有勇气点上火试一试。

I knew that this was a hobby that I wanted to continue learning

现在，我能猜到人们会怎么想：

in the hopes that maybe one day,

我怎么能不被吓着而转身跑掉呢？

I might be brave enough to try it with fire.

说实在的，我不知道。

Now, I can guess what people might be thinking:

我想可能是在成长过程中

How was I not terrified and running in the opposite direction?

我当过拉拉队长，学体操，学钢琴，

是非常有组织、有规定的活动；

And honestly, I don't know.

I think that perhaps being a cheerleader and doing gymnastics and piano

对照这种流动的艺术 似乎是一种冥想的仪式，

while growing up,

然而专注于火的这件事

these activities were very structured and prescribed,

让我害怕了一辈子。

whereas this type of flow art seemed like a form of meditation

在第一次练习之后

我和朋友拼凑了一套自制的火链，

but with a focus on fire,

this thing that scared me so deeply for my entire life.

用袜子、鞋带和网球。

我们没有点燃鞋带或袜子，

After that first time practicing,

我们只是用它来练习。

my friend and I cobbled together our own sets of homemade poi

但回到密歇根后，

using socks, shoelaces and tennis balls.

我们决定自己买一套真正的火链。

We did not light shoelaces and socks on fire,

几个月之后，

we just used it for the practice part.

我们决定把它们点着。

But after returning home to Michigan,

we decided to buy our own sets of actual fire poi.

我们把自己裹得严严实实，

准备好灭火器，

And after a few months,

还将毛巾弄湿以防万一。

we decided that we were ready to light them on fire.

准备好燃料。

在给对方一个充满活力的 打气和击掌后，

We bundled up in cotton layers,

got a fire extinguisher,

我们点燃了那些火链。

wet a towel for safety,

prepared our fuel,

gave each other a very energetic pep talk and high five

那很可怕。

我的半个脑袋都被吓呆了

and lit those poi on fire.

想着，“好吧，等等—— 也许我们需要再考虑一下。

It was terrifying.

我们也许该停下来了。“

火在我头顶呼啸而过的声音

Half of my brain was freaking out

大得难以置信，

and thinking, "OK, wait -- maybe we need to think about this.

把我带回到童年时代。

We should probably stop."

但它也非常令人兴奋。

The sound of the fire as it whooshed by my head

was incredibly loud

而我大脑的另一半， 富有创造力的那一半，在想着，

and brought me right back to my childhood.

But it was also incredibly exhilarating.

“我简直不敢相信！我是火舞者了。”

The other half of my brain, the creative half, was thinking,

对于任何旋转的人，

都有一定程度的肾上腺素激增

和火舞的冲动。

"I can't believe it! I'm a fire dancer."

但作为一个生活被大火深深影响的人，

For anyone who spins,

在能够控制和操纵火的时候

there's a level of adrenaline

or that rush of fire dancing.

我也感到一种巨大的赋权感。

But as someone whose life had been so greatly impacted by fire,

我有意识地做了一个决定， 要走出我的悲伤。

I also felt an immense sense of empowerment

at being able to control and manipulate fire.

这并不容易。

有一首涅槃乐队的歌词是这样写的： “我怀念悲伤时的安慰“

I made a conscious decision to step out of my grief.

就是这种感觉。

我能控制住我的悲伤。

It was not easy.

我知道它会给我带来什么， 我也知道该期待什么，

There's a Nirvana lyric that says "I miss the comfort of being sad,"

但我也知道，在内心深处，最终，

and that was exactly it.

我必须做一件非常艰难的工作 来试图从过去中恢复过来。

I was in control of my sadness.

I knew what it would bring to me, and I knew what to expect,

所以我坚持练习

but I also knew deep down that eventually,

我拿了一个塑料购物袋， 把它切成条状，

I had to do that really hard work of trying to heal from my past.

绑在那些火链的末端。

用它来复制火从我头上经过时的声音。

So I kept practicing.

I took a plastic grocery bag, cut it into strips,

而且我一直保持那些火链 处在燃烧状态。

tied it to the ends of those poi

在某个时刻，事情发生了变化。

and used it to replicate the sound of the fire as it went past my head.

我对火舞的看法改变了，

从我担心的事情

And I kept lighting the poi on fire.

变成了能给我带来平静的事情。

At some point, something shifted.

My perspective on fire dancing changed

不知不觉中，

from something that I was apprehensive about

我开始了我自创的暴露疗法，

to something that brought me a sort of peace.

一种真正的心理治疗。

那就是故意把自己 暴露在那些给你造成创伤

Without realizing it,

I had initiated my own form of exposure therapy,

或使你害怕的事物中。

我以一种非常独特的方式 把自己暴露在火中，

an actual type of psychotherapy

where you deliberately expose yourself to things that have caused you trauma

改变了它对我的意义。

or scare you.

它让我的噩梦缓解了。

I'd exposed myself to fire in this very unique way

而现在，几年过去， 我已经几乎不做噩梦了。

and had transformed what it meant to me.

我不仅为自己，而且在各种活动 和表演中开始表演火舞。

My nightmares slowed down

住在迪拜时，我和朋友们 成立了一个火舞团；

and now, years later, have stopped almost completely.

和我的妹妹一起创造这种美丽的艺术， 她后来成为了摄影师；

I started fire dancing not just for myself but at events and performances.

在生日派对上教孩子们如何做旋转；

I started a fire troop with friends while living in Dubai,

在节庆活动时在舞台上表演；

created beautiful art with my sister who became a photographer,

甚至还教我自己的孩子旋转的基础。

taught children how to spin at birthday parties,

这并不是说

我不再怕火了。

performed onstage and at festivals

and even taught my own children the basics of spinning.

尽管练习了上百次的动作，

当我点上火再来做时，

我仍能在我的胸口中 感到熟悉的恐慌和紧张。

And that's not to say

that I don't still have an apprehension to fire in general.

I can practice a move a million times,

我仍然对住在两层楼或有壁炉的房子里

but then when I try it with fire,

感到不安。

I feel that familiar panic and tightening in my chest.

每晚在我睡觉前，

I'm still apprehensive about living in a two-story house

我都会在孩子们卧室的门，

or having a fireplace.

我们的卧室门，

和所有的出口之间清出一条路。

以防我们需要迅速离开。

Every night before I go to sleep,

我也花了很长时间

I clear a path between my kids' bedroom doors,

才接受了晚上关卧室门

our bedroom door

来减少火灾的想法。

and all the exit doors,

in case we need to leave quickly.

因为我一直在想， 如果我把孩子们卧室的门关上，

And it's taken me a long time

to get on board with the idea of closing bedroom doors at night

我可能就无法像当初我妈妈 听到我的声音一样，听到他们的声音，

to slow down a fire,

当然，这是我的故事。

because I'd always thought if I closed my kids' bedroom doors,

我不能说我的答案对那些

I might not be able to hear them like my mom heard me.

遭受不同创伤的人也管用。

如果情况相反，

And of course, this is my story.

我在火灾里失去了孩子的话，

I can't say that I have the answer

我也不确定当一名火舞者还会是我的答案。

for someone with a different kind of trauma.

我也不确定我是否有能力再次接近火。

If the situation had been reversed,

and I'd lost a child in a fire,

但从我自己的经验来看，

I'm not sure that fire dancing would be the answer,

我可以说的是 在经历了创伤和艰辛之后。

or if I'd even have the capacity to get near fire again.

你可以在两条道路之间进行选择。

But what I can say from my own experience

一条路会把你引向恐惧的生活， 让你在黑暗中退缩，

is that after experiencing a trauma or hardship,

就像我之前描述的那幅黑白画一样。

you have a choice between two paths.

你可能会继续生活，但同时

One path will lead you to a life of fear and cowering in the darkness,

你仍然执著于那带给你安慰的悲伤。

like that black-and-white painting I described earlier.

另一条路，走出悲伤，

You might move on with life, but at the same time,

不会改变任何已经发生的事。

you're still clinging to that sadness that brings you comfort.

而且很艰难，

永远都会是艰难的。

The other path, stepping out of grief,

有高山，深谷。

will not change or undo anything.

It will be hard.

但这条路是向前看的，是向前迈进的。

It will always be hard,

with high mountains and deep, dark valleys.

当我学会与火共舞时，

我也学会了将生活中受创伤的那部分

But this path looks forward and moves forward.

与生命中仍在展开的部分相调和。

When I learned to dance with fire,

I learned to reconcile the traumatic part of my life

火变成不仅只是创伤，

也是美，也是艺术，

with the totality of my life as it was still unfolding.

所有的一切，就像生活一样，

忽隐忽现、阴燃着、

Fire became more than just trauma

燃烧着、耀眼着。

but beauty and art as well,

everything, all at once, just like life,

不知怎的，就在途中， 就能找到起舞的方式…

flickering and smoldering

and burning and dazzling,

我。

谢谢。

and somehow, in the middle of it, finding a way to dance ...

me.

Thank you.