I stepped out of grief -- by dancing with fire | Danielle Torley

Transcriber: Leslie Gauthier Reviewer: Camille Martínez

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Helen Chang

When I was six years old,

我六歲時，

our house caught fire,

我們的房子失火了，

and my mother died.

我的母親因此喪命。

It was a cold February night in Michigan.

那是密西根一個寒冷的二月夜晚。

Our chimney had recently been fixed,

我們的煙囪才剛修過，

so we had a warm fire going in the fireplace.

所以我們在壁爐中點了溫暖的爐火。

My younger sister and I were sitting next to our dog

我和妹妹坐在狗旁邊，

and coloring with a brand-new box of colored pencils,

正在用一盒全新的彩色鉛筆畫畫，

when Mom said it was time for bed.

那時，母親說該上床了。

We'd planned to go up north that night

我們本來打算在那晚北上， 用乘雪橇玩雪車來過週末，

for a weekend of snowmobiling and sledding,

but it was already dark and snowing outside,

但天色已暗，且外面在下雪，

so we decided to leave the next morning instead.

所以我們決定改成隔天早上再出發。

We went upstairs, brushed our teeth, climbed into bed,

我們上樓、刷牙、爬上床，

my sister's room right next to the stairs,

我妹妹的房間就在樓梯旁邊，

and mine at the far end of the hallway.

我的房間則遠在走廊的底端。

Our parents tucked us in and kissed us good night

我們的父母哄我們入睡， 親吻我們，道了晚安，

then left the door open just a crack,

接著把門帶上，留下一道門縫，

and the hallway light on, as it always was.

沒有關走廊的燈，向來都是如此。

In the middle of the night, I woke up sweating,

在半夜時，我滿身大汗地醒來，

confused because I couldn't see that hallway light.

我很困惑，因為我看不見走廊的燈。

I started shouting for my parents

我開始大叫爸媽，

until finally, I heard words that I'll never forget:

直到我終於聽見了 我永生難忘的一句話：

"Dave, it's a fire!"

「戴夫，失火了！」

We later found out that our fire from earlier

我們後來才知道，是我們先前的爐火

had burned through an unrepaired crack in the chimney,

從煙囪沒有修好的裂縫中延燒出來，

causing the fireplace doors to explode

導致壁爐的門爆炸，

and fire to just pour into the living room.

火苗立刻灌入客廳中，

I remember my mom running down to my sister's room,

我記得我母親衝到我妹妹的房間，

frantically searching for her

瘋狂地找她，

and finally finding her on the floor.

終於在地板上找到她。

I crawled after her on my hands and knees,

我用雙手和雙膝跟在她身後爬行，

trying not to breathe in the smoke.

試圖不要吸入煙霧。

I remember standing next to my sister's room,

我還記得我站在我妹妹的房間旁邊，

trying to turn on that hallway light,

試圖打開走廊的燈，

but it was already on;

但燈其實已經開了；

I just couldn't see it because the smoke was so thick.

只是因為煙霧太濃，我看不見。

I remember feeling the heat of the fire on my skin

我記得我的皮膚 能感受到大火的熱度，

and hearing the sound of it as it climbed up the stairs.

且能聽見火勢爬上樓梯 向上延燒的聲音。

My dad ran down to my bedroom window as an escape route,

我父親想要打開 我臥室的窗戶來逃脫，

but it was February, and it was frozen shut.

但那時是二月， 窗戶被冰凍到打不開。

Eventually, he broke the window and pried it open,

最後，他打破窗戶才將它打開，

his arms and hands covered in glass and cuts.

他的手臂和雙手都是碎玻璃和割傷。

He lifted my sister and me onto an awning under the window

他把我妹妹和我 送到窗戶下的雨篷上，

and told us to shout for help.

叫我們大聲呼救。

Not seeing my mom,

因為沒看見我母親，

he considered going back into the fire to find her,

他考慮要衝回火場去找她，

but after looking at my sister and me huddled together on that roof

但看著我和我妹妹 在屋頂上蜷縮成一團，

and knowing that neither of them may make it out,

且知道（一旦去找）很可能 他們兩人都逃不出來，

he stayed with us,

所以他決定留下陪我們，

calling her name through the window instead.

只是透過窗戶喊著她的名字。

After a few minutes,

幾分鐘後，有名男子開車經過，

a man driving down the street saw the smoke and fire,

看到了煙和大火，

drove onto our lawn,

把車開到我們的草皮上， 再爬到他的車頂，

climbed onto the roof of his car

and told us to jump into his arms.

叫我們跳到他懷中。

We'd never seen him before,

我們以前沒見過他，

and even though he saved our lives,

雖然他救了我們的命， 我們從此也沒再見過他。

we never saw him again.

We were brought over to a neighbor's house

我們被帶到鄰居家，

while Dad continued to wait on the roof for my mom,

我父親仍然在屋頂上等我母親，

reaching his arms and hands through the window

把他的手臂和手穿過窗戶，

and into the fire,

伸到火中，

calling her name over and over.

不斷叫喊她的名字。

He said later that when the fire department arrived,

後來，他說，當消防隊抵達時，

they carried him down the ladder just as a lower-level window shattered

他們用梯子把他帶下來， 下面一層的窗戶在那時粉碎，

and burst into flames.

瞬間陷入火海。

It took the fire department longer to find my mom.

消防隊花了更久才找到我母親。

She'd been on the floor of my bedroom the entire time,

她一直都倒在我房間的地板上，

pinned down by a dresser that had fallen on her leg.

衣櫥倒下來壓住了她的腿。

We think she went back to look for our dog,

我們認為她是回去找我們的狗，

but by the time the fire department reached them it was too late.

但當消防隊找到 她和狗時，已經太遲了。

She died on the way to the hospital.

她在被送醫的過程中不治。

Dad was in critical condition,

父親的狀況很危急，

with smoke inhalation and burns and cuts over a third of his body.

他吸入濃煙、有燒傷， 且身體有三分之一都是割傷。

He spent nearly a month in the hospital,

他住院將近一個月，

unable to attend Mom's funeral

無法參加母親的葬禮，

and undergoing multiple, excruciating skin graft surgeries.

還要撐過數次極痛苦的植皮手術。

My sister and I stayed with a neighbor across the street,

我和我妹妹待在對街的鄰居家中，

but we would sit in front of their living room window for hours,

但我們會在他們家的客廳 窗戶前坐好幾個小時，

just staring at the remains of our burnt home.

只是望著我們燒掉的房子。

After a few days, it became evident

幾天後，很顯然

that we would need to go and stay with some different family friends.

我們得要離開，去和不同的親友住。

The next few years were tough.

接下來的幾年很辛苦。

As a single father of two young girls,

我父親成了兩個小女孩的 單親爸爸，他盡全力把我們養大，

Dad did his very best to provide for us

as we all tried to grieve and recover.

我們大家都在哀悼和恢復。

We began to move on in this new reality.

我們開始在這新的現實中走下去。

Dad bought a new house down the street, without a fireplace,

父親在同條街買了新房子， 這次沒有壁爐，

and eventually remarried.

後來也再婚了。

My sister and I excelled in school.

我和我妹妹在學校表現出色。

I was a cheerleader,

我是啦啦隊長， 她騎馬且在樂團中表演。

and she rode horses and played in the band.

But nothing could stop the gut-wrenching nightmares that haunted me.

但我摧心裂肝的惡夢始終揮之不去。

I would dream of fire,

我會夢到大火，

of being trapped in fire with no escape.

夢到被困在火場，沒有出路。

I remember, and even now I can feel,

我記得，就連現在我還可以感受到

the sheer panic and the pressure in my chest.

那純粹的慌張和我胸口的壓力。

Or worse were the dreams where I was outside the fire watching it,

更糟糕的是夢見我在房子 外面眼睜睜看著大火，

trying to save the people inside.

試圖拯救困在裡面的人。

I'd wake up gasping for breath,

我會上氣不接下氣地醒來，

tears running down my face and sobbing.

淚流滿面，啜泣著。

When I was 15,

我十五歲時，

a friend of mine and a very talented artist,

我有位朋友是個 很有才華的藝術家，

painted two abstract portraits for me.

為我畫了兩幅抽象的畫像。

One was done in black and white

一幅是黑白的，

and depicted a scared girl cowering in the corner of a room,

畫中是一名害怕的女孩， 蜷縮在房間的角落，

shadows surrounding her.

陰影圍繞著她。

The other was a bursting rainbow of color;

另一幅則滿是五顏六色；

the girl was in the center of the page,

女孩在畫面的中間，

arms open and outstretched,

張開雙臂，向外伸出，

clearly full of joy and happiness.

明顯充滿了喜悅和快樂。

He knew my past,

他知道我的過去，

and he knew that I was conflicted and confused,

他知道我內心很衝突、困惑，

but he had also seen my potential

但他也看見我的潛力，

and wanted to show me what he already saw.

想讓我知道他看見了什麼。

After a few years, I realized that these two portraits

幾年後，我了解到這兩幅畫像

showed two completely different paths before me:

呈現出我的兩條路， 全然不同的兩條路：

a life of fear

恐懼的人生， 或希望和恢復的潛能。

or the promise and potential for recovery.

I had always been drawn to that brighter, more colorful painting,

那幅比較亮、比較彩色的畫 向來很能吸引我，

but I wasn't quite sure what it meant for me

但我不確定它對我的意有為何，

or how to transform my current mentality into that kind of joy and happiness.

或者我要如何轉變目前的心態，

找到那種喜悅和快樂。

So outwardly, I moved on with life --

所以，外表上， 我繼續過我的人生——

graduated high school, went to college --

高中畢業，進入大學——

while inwardly,

但內在，

I continued to bounce between the highest of highs

我持續不斷在最高的高點

and the lowest of lows,

和最低的低點之間來回彈著，

like a Ping-Pong ball between those two portraits.

就像那兩幅畫之間的乒乓球。

In 2004, I went backpacking through Central America with a friend.

2004 年，我去當背包客， 和一名朋友前往中美洲。

We spent our first week on the island of Roatán,

我們的第一週待在 宏都拉斯外海的羅阿坦島上，

off the coast of Honduras.

After a few days there, my friend and I realized

在那裡待了幾天後， 我朋友和我發現，

that one of our new local friends was a fire dancer.

我們在當地新交到的朋友 當中有一位火舞者。

Neither of us had ever seen fire dancing before,

我們都從來沒有見過火舞，

so one night, we decided to go see a show.

所以，有一晚，我們決定去看表演。

We watched, mesmerized,

表演讓我們深深著迷，

as he and two friends lit these props on fire,

他和兩名朋友把道具點燃，

threw them in the air

把道具丟到空中， 繞著他們的身體轉動。

and spun them around their bodies.

Their moves were deliberate and controlled,

他們的動作很慎重，控制精準，

yet still graceful and flowing to the music.

但仍然優雅且和音樂完美搭配。

I was completely entranced.

我完全入迷了。

The next day, he offered to teach us how to fire dance, or "spin" --

隔天，他提出可以教我們 如何火舞，或「旋轉」——

without fire, of course.

當然，不用點火。

He showed us the difference between a fire staff,

他教我們道具的差別，火棍

which is a long piece of wood or aluminum with two Kevlar wicks,

是長的木或鋁棍，兩頭有火布，

and fire poi, which are Kevlar wicks with chains and finger loops.

另外還有火鏈， 是火布加上鐵鏈和指環。

After that first time spinning poi,

在第一次舞動火鏈之後，

I knew that this was a hobby that I wanted to continue learning

我知道這是我想持續學習的嗜好，

in the hopes that maybe one day,

希望也許有一天，

I might be brave enough to try it with fire.

我能勇敢到真正嘗試點火。

Now, I can guess what people might be thinking:

我猜得到大家可能會怎麼想：

How was I not terrified and running in the opposite direction?

我為什麼沒有嚇壞，轉身跑掉？

And honestly, I don't know.

老實說，我不知道。

I think that perhaps being a cheerleader and doing gymnastics and piano

我想，也許因為在成長過程中

我當過啦啦隊長，學體操、學鋼琴，

while growing up,

these activities were very structured and prescribed,

都是非常有結構且有規矩的活動，

whereas this type of flow art seemed like a form of meditation

而這種流動的藝術 就像是某種形式的冥想，

but with a focus on fire,

只是焦點是在「火」，

this thing that scared me so deeply for my entire life.

我一生中一直深深讓我害怕的火。

After that first time practicing,

在練習過第一次之後，

my friend and I cobbled together our own sets of homemade poi

我朋友和我一起手工製作 我們的火鏈組，

using socks, shoelaces and tennis balls.

用的是襪子、鞋帶，和網球。

We did not light shoelaces and socks on fire,

我們並沒有把鞋帶和襪子拿來點火，

we just used it for the practice part.

只是把它們拿來練習用。

But after returning home to Michigan,

但在返回密西根之後，

we decided to buy our own sets of actual fire poi.

我們決定購買我們自己的火鏈組。

And after a few months,

幾個月後，

we decided that we were ready to light them on fire.

我們決定該是點火的時候了。

We bundled up in cotton layers,

我們將棉層紮在一起，

got a fire extinguisher,

拿來了一個滅火器，

wet a towel for safety,

將毛巾弄濕以防萬一，準備好燃料，

prepared our fuel,

gave each other a very energetic pep talk and high five

精力充沛地跟彼此說一段 鼓勵士氣的話，互相擊掌，

and lit those poi on fire.

接著就把火鏈點燃。

It was terrifying.

那很可怕。

Half of my brain was freaking out

我有半個腦子都嚇壞了，

and thinking, "OK, wait -- maybe we need to think about this.

想著：「好，等等—— 也許我們要三思而後行。

We should probably stop."

我們應該罷手比較好。」

The sound of the fire as it whooshed by my head

當火從我頭旁邊 掃過去時聲音相當大，

was incredibly loud

立馬把我帶回了童年的記憶。

and brought me right back to my childhood.

But it was also incredibly exhilarating.

但同時也很讓人振奮。

The other half of my brain, the creative half, was thinking,

我的另一半腦子， 創意的那一半，在想：

"I can't believe it! I'm a fire dancer."

「我無法置信！我是火舞者。」

For anyone who spins,

任何旋轉的人都會分泌腎上腺素，

there's a level of adrenaline

or that rush of fire dancing.

或者那火舞的奔湧感。

But as someone whose life had been so greatly impacted by fire,

但身為一個人生 受到大火嚴重衝擊的人，

I also felt an immense sense of empowerment

我也感到自己擁有強大的力量，

at being able to control and manipulate fire.

能夠控制、操縱火。

I made a conscious decision to step out of my grief.

我做了有意識的決定， 要步出我的悲痛。

It was not easy.

那並不容易。

There's a Nirvana lyric that says "I miss the comfort of being sad,"

超脫樂團有一句歌詞是 「我想念感到悲傷時的舒適」，

and that was exactly it.

就是這種感覺。

I was in control of my sadness.

我能控制我的悲傷。

I knew what it would bring to me, and I knew what to expect,

我知道它會帶給我什麼， 我知道要期待什麼，

but I also knew deep down that eventually,

但我內心深處也知道，最終，

I had to do that really hard work of trying to heal from my past.

我得非常努力療癒， 從我的過去走出來。

So I kept practicing.

所以我持續練習。

I took a plastic grocery bag, cut it into strips,

我拿雜貨店的塑膠袋，裁成帶狀，

tied it to the ends of those poi

綁在火鍵的末端，

and used it to replicate the sound of the fire as it went past my head.

用它們來彷製火掃過 我的頭旁邊時發出的聲音。

And I kept lighting the poi on fire.

我持續將火鍵點燃。

At some point, something shifted.

在某個時點，轉變發生了。

My perspective on fire dancing changed

我對火舞的觀點改變了，

from something that I was apprehensive about

從我憂慮的東西，

to something that brought me a sort of peace.

變成了帶給我寧靜的東西。

Without realizing it,

不知不覺間，

I had initiated my own form of exposure therapy,

我展開了我自創式的暴露治療法，

an actual type of psychotherapy

它是種真的心理治療法，

where you deliberately expose yourself to things that have caused you trauma

刻意將你自己暴露在

造成你創傷或讓你恐懼的事物中。

or scare you.

I'd exposed myself to fire in this very unique way

我用這種非常獨特的方式 將自己暴露在火中，

and had transformed what it meant to me.

轉變了火對我的意義。

My nightmares slowed down

我的惡夢緩解了，

and now, years later, have stopped almost completely.

數年過去，現在我幾乎不再做惡夢了。

I started fire dancing not just for myself but at events and performances.

我開始不只為自己火舞， 也去做活動、表演。

I started a fire troop with friends while living in Dubai,

住在杜拜時，我和朋友 成立了一個火舞團，

created beautiful art with my sister who became a photographer,

和我妹妹一起創作美麗的藝術， 她後來成了攝影師，

taught children how to spin at birthday parties,

在生日派對上教導孩子如何做旋轉，

performed onstage and at festivals

在節慶活動時在舞台上表演，

and even taught my own children the basics of spinning.

最後還教我自己的孩子旋轉的基礎。

And that's not to say

並不是說我大體上就不再怕火了。

that I don't still have an apprehension to fire in general.

I can practice a move a million times,

一個動作，我可以練習一百萬次，

but then when I try it with fire,

但當我點火再來做時，

I feel that familiar panic and tightening in my chest.

我的胸口仍然會感到 熟悉的慌張和緊繃。

I'm still apprehensive about living in a two-story house

我仍然會怕住在兩層樓的房子裡，

or having a fireplace.

也會怕有壁爐的房子。

Every night before I go to sleep,

每晚，我睡覺前，

I clear a path between my kids' bedroom doors,

我會確保孩子的臥室門、

我們的臥室門，及所有 出口之間是暢通的，

our bedroom door

and all the exit doors,

以免我們需要快速離開。

in case we need to leave quickly.

And it's taken me a long time

我花了很長的時間才能認同

to get on board with the idea of closing bedroom doors at night

晚上把臥室房門關上 可以減緩大火延燒的觀念，

to slow down a fire,

because I'd always thought if I closed my kids' bedroom doors,

因為我總是認為， 如果關上孩子臥室的房門，

I might not be able to hear them like my mom heard me.

我可能就無法像我母親當初 聽見我叫喊一樣聽見他們。

And of course, this is my story.

當然，這是我的故事。

I can't say that I have the answer

我無法說我的答案 適用受到其他創傷的人。

for someone with a different kind of trauma.

If the situation had been reversed,

如果情況反過來，

and I'd lost a child in a fire,

我在大火中失去了孩子，

I'm not sure that fire dancing would be the answer,

我不確定火舞還會是我的答案，

or if I'd even have the capacity to get near fire again.

也不確定我會有辦法能再次靠近火。

But what I can say from my own experience

但根據我自己的經驗，我能說，

is that after experiencing a trauma or hardship,

在經歷了創傷或困境之後，

you have a choice between two paths.

你可以在兩條路之間做選擇。

One path will lead you to a life of fear and cowering in the darkness,

一條路會帶你到恐懼 且抖縮在黑暗中的人生，

like that black-and-white painting I described earlier.

就像我先前提到的黑白畫作。

You might move on with life, but at the same time,

你可能可以繼續過日子，但同時，

you're still clinging to that sadness that brings you comfort.

你仍然會緊抓著 那帶給你安慰的悲傷。

The other path, stepping out of grief,

另一條路，走出悲痛，

will not change or undo anything.

不會改變什麼，發生的已經發生。

It will be hard.

這條路不好走。

It will always be hard,

一直都不好走，

with high mountains and deep, dark valleys.

有高山，

有黑暗的深谷。

But this path looks forward and moves forward.

但這條路是向前看、向前行。

When I learned to dance with fire,

當我學會火舞時，

I learned to reconcile the traumatic part of my life

我學會在我的人生 仍然在持續展開的過程中，

with the totality of my life as it was still unfolding.

和我人生中創傷的那部分和平相處，

Fire became more than just trauma

火變成不只是創傷，

but beauty and art as well,

也是美，也是藝術，

everything, all at once, just like life,

這雜陳的五味，就像人生，

flickering and smoldering

搖曳不定、悶燒、

and burning and dazzling,

燃燒、讓人目眩，

and somehow, in the middle of it, finding a way to dance ...

不知怎麼的，在這過程中，

就能找到起舞的方式……

me.

我。

Thank you.

謝謝。