4 Kinds of Regret – and What They Teach You about Yourself | Daniel H. Pink | TED

Transcriber:

翻译人员: Lyman Zhang 校对人员: Helen Chang

Let's talk about regret.

来谈谈“后悔”吧。

It is, to my mind, our most misunderstood emotion,

在我看来，“后悔” 是最被人误解的情绪，

and so I decided to spend a couple of years studying it.

所以我决定花几年的时间去研究后悔。

And one of the things that I did is I went back

我所做的其中之一

and I looked at about 50 years of social science on regret.

就是回顾了过去近50年的社会学里 关于“后悔”的研究。

And here's what it tells you.

以下是我的总结。

I'll save you the trouble of reading a half century of social science.

让我来帮你省点力， 不用亲自去读完50年的社会学。

The research tells us that everybody has regrets,

研究告诉我们，每一个人都会后悔，

regrets make us human.

人生自古谁无悔？

Truly, the only people without regrets are five-year-olds,

真正从不后悔的人，只有5岁小孩…… 脑部受损的人、和反社会人格障碍者。

people with brain damage and sociopaths.

The rest of us, we have regrets,

剩下的，我们全都有后悔。

and if we treat our regrets right, and that's a big if,

假如我们可以正确的面对后悔—— 即便不容易，但方法是有的——

but there are ways to do it,

regrets can actually make us better.

“后悔”可以让我们变得更好。

They can improve our decision-making skills,

比如让我们的判断力更强，

improve our negotiation skills,

增强谈判能力，

make us better strategists, make us better problem solvers,

制定更好的策略， 更好地解决实际问题，

enhance our sense of meaning

让生活更有意义感。

if we treat them right.

And the good news is that there's a systematic way to do that.

而好消息是，有非常系统性的方法 来告诉我们该怎么做。

But I want to take just a few minutes to tell you about another aspect of regret

不过先让我花一点点时间 来告诉你“后悔”的另一面，

that I think is really, really just super interesting.

是我觉得非常非常有意思的一件事。

As part of the research here,

研究中， 我决定问问看人们有哪些后悔。

I decided to ask people for their regrets,

and to my surprise,

让我超意外的是，

I ended up collecting about 16,000 regrets

我最后收集到了…来自105个国家的 整整16000份“后悔”，

from people in 105 countries.

It’s an extraordinary trove.

真的是一片宝藏。

And what I realized when I went through this incredible database

当我看着他们的渴望、他们的志向…

of human longing and aspiration

is that around the world,

我意识到在世界的每一个角落，

and there's very little national difference here,

和国籍几乎无关，

people kept expressing the same four regrets.

人们反反复复地表达着 4种一模一样的“后悔”。

Around the world, there are the same four regrets

整个世界，同样的4种后悔。

that keep coming up over and over and over again.

日复一日，周而复始。

So what I want to do is just quickly tell you

我想要简短的聊一聊这4种“后悔”，

about these four core regrets,

because I think they reveal something incredibly important and interesting.

是因为他们揭示出的内涵 很重要，也很有意思。

So the four core regrets that I'm going to cover.

所以我要涵盖的4种“后悔”：

Number one, what I call foundation regrets.

第一，我称之为“基础后悔”。

Foundation regrets.

基础后悔。

These are people who regret things like this:

有些人的后悔是这样的：

not saving enough money,

没有存够钱——

which would be like, you know, financial regret,

也就是财务上的后悔。

not taking care of their health and not eating right, health regret.

没有关注自己的健康、没有注意饮食 ——健康上的后悔。

But they're the same.

都是一样的。

Those kinds of regrets are about making choices

这一类后悔，是因为做了选择， 而导致你的人生更加不稳定了

that didn't allow you to have some stability,

a stable platform for their life.

一个稳定可靠的生活基础。

I have a lot of people who regret not working hard enough in school.

有很多人，后悔没卖力读书。

A lot of people who regret --

也有很多人后悔没存钱。

I got a lot of regrets about not saving money.

And it reminds me a little bit of Aesop’s fable

我觉得这有点像 《伊索寓言》里的“蚂蚁和蚱蜢”，

of the ant and the grasshopper,

where earlier in their life they acted like a grasshopper instead of the ant,

他们年轻时象蚱蜢，而不是蚂蚁，

and now it's catching up with them.

而现在就自食其果了。

So foundation regrets sound like this:

“基础后悔”一般是这样的：

"If only" --

如果——

And that's the catch phrase of regret, "if only" --

这是后悔的常用词， “如果”——

"If only I'd done the work."

如果我以前努力一点就好了。

Second category.

第二大类。

I love this category, it's fascinating.

我超喜欢这个大类， 非常有意思。

Boldness regrets.

“魄力后悔”。

I have hundreds of regrets around the world that go like this:

我这有…几百条“后悔”， 来自世界各地，是这样写的：

“X years ago, there was a man/woman whom I really liked.

“X年前，我有一位很喜欢男性/女性。

I wanted to ask him/her out on a date,

我想要约他/她出来，

but I was too scared to do it

但我没敢去做。

and I've regretted it ever since."

后来我就一直后悔。”

I also have hundreds of regrets by people who said:

我还有几百条这样的“后悔“：

"Oh, I always wanted to start a business,

“呃，我一直想下海做生意，

but I never had the guts to do that."

但我一直没敢去做。”

People who said: “Oh, I wish I’d spoken up more.

也有人说：呃，当时 我要是说出来就好了。

I wish I'd said something and asserted myself."

我要当时能维护自己就好了。

These are, as I said before, what I call boldness regrets.

这些就是我讲的“魄力后悔”。

And we get to a juncture in our life and we have a choice.

当我们遇到一个人生的抉择，

We can play it safe or we can take the chance.

我们可以选择安全， 也可以大胆一试。

And what I found is overwhelmingly

就我所知，绝大多数人 都后悔自己没去大胆一试。

people regret not taking the chance.

Even people who took the chance and it didn't work out

就算有人去试了，但最后没成，

don't really have many regrets about that.

他们也没什么后悔。

It's the people who didn't take the chance.

那些没去试的人才会后悔。

So this is boldness regrets.

所以这就是“魄力后悔”。

Boldness regrets sound like this:

“魄力后悔“一般是这样的：

"If only I'd taken the chance."

“如果我当初放手一搏就好了”

Third category.

第三大类是

Moral regrets.

“道德后悔”。

Very interesting, very interesting category.

非常、非常有意思的一个类别。

These are people who, again,

和前面一样，这类后悔 是从一个抉择开始的。

a lot of these regrets begin at a juncture.

You're at a juncture,

面临抉择，

you can do the right thing or you can do the wrong thing.

你可以做正确的事， 也可以做不该做的事。

People do the wrong thing,

有人做了不该做的……

and they regret it.

于是就后悔了。

I mean, one of the ones that really stuck with me,

让我印象最深的，我能够想起来的，

I'm going to try to pull it up here,

is this one here, this woman.

是一位女性的例子。

She's a 71-year-old woman in New Jersey.

她已经71岁了，住在新泽西。

"When I was a kid,

“小时候，我妈会让我去小店买东西。

my mother would send me to a small local store for a few items.

I frequently would steal a candy bar when the grocer wasn't looking.

只要店长不注意， 我会顺手偷一根糖果棒。

That's bothered me for about 60 years."

这事让我良心不安有60年了。”

So 71-year-old woman in New Jersey,

71岁的新泽西老太太，

for 60 years, she's been bugged by this moral breach.

整整60年，她的心里一直有这个疙瘩。

So moral regrets.

所以说是“道德后悔”。

We have people regretting bullying,

也有人后悔自己以前欺负同学，

we have people regretting marital infidelity.

有人后悔出轨。

All kinds of things.

各种各样的都有。

Moral regrets sound like this,

“道德后悔”一般是这样的：

“If only I’d done the right thing.”

“我当时如果做了正确的选择就好了。”

And finally, our fourth category, or what I call connection regrets.

最后，我们的第四大类， 我称之为“人际后悔”

Connection regrets are like this:

“人际后悔”一般是这样的：

You have a relationship or ought to have a relationship.

你的人际关系 或是本该有的一段关系……

And it doesn't matter what the relationship is.

具体是什么不重要，

Kids, parents, siblings, cousins, friends, colleagues,

可以是亲子、兄弟姐妹、朋友、同事，

but you have a relationship or ought to have had a relationship,

总之你有一段人际关系 或者本该有的一段关系，

and the relationship comes apart.

最后疏远了。

And what's interesting is that what these 16,000 people were telling me

有意思的是，这16000人的经历告诉我

is that the way these relationships come apart

疏远的具体过程， 一般都没有夸张的事件，

is often not very dramatic,

not very dramatic at all.

普通到不能再普通了。

They often come apart by drifting apart

常常是渐渐地就淡了，

rather than through some kind of explosive rift.

而不是爆发性的决裂。

And what happens is that people don't want to reach out

而之后呢？双方都不愿意主动联系，

because they say it’s going to be awkward to reach out,

因为觉得主动联系很尴尬，

and the other side is not going to care.

而且对方可能根本不理你。

One of the lessons that I learned from this book for myself

这本书给我个人的启示之一

is always reach out.

就是要去主动联系。

So that's what connection regrets are.

所以这就是“人际后悔”。

"If only I'd reached out."

“如果我当初主动联系就好了。”

And so over and over and over again, we see these same regrets:

所以说反反复复的， 我们看到的全都是一样的“后悔”：

Foundation regrets: “If only I’d done the work.”

基础后悔：“如果当初努力一点就好了。”

Boldness regrets: “If only I’d taken the chance.”

魄力后悔：“如果当初大胆一点就好了。”

Moral regrets: “If only I’d done the right thing.”

道德后悔：“如果当初 做了正确的选择就好了。”

And connection regrets: “If only I’d reached out.”

和人际后悔：“如果当初 我主动去联系就好了。”

And when we look at these regrets, so that's interesting in itself,

如果我们仔细思考一番—— 虽然后悔本身也很有趣啦——

but what I realized is that these four core regrets

但我发现，这4种“后悔”…

operate as a kind of photographic negative of the good life.

其实像是胶卷一样， 黑白颠倒的、映出了理想的生活。

Because if we understand what people regret the most,

如果能理解人们最后悔的是什么，

we actually can understand what they value the most.

就能理解他们最重视的是什么。

And each of these regrets, to my mind,

在我看来，所有这些后悔，

reveals something fundamental about humanity and about what we need.

揭示出了人性的本质，我们的诉求。

We need stability.

我们需要稳定。 没人喜欢生活不安稳。

Nobody wants to have an unstable life.

We want a chance to learn and grow and do something.

我们想要把握机会去学习、 成长、成就一番事业。

We recognize that we are not here forever,

因为人生苦短啊。

and we want to do something and try something.

我们想要做点什么大事小事， 尝试各种新鲜。

And at least feel the exhilaration of being bold.

或者说至少能体验 一番魄力带来的兴奋感。

Moral regrets, I think most of us,

道德后悔，我觉得大部分人，

almost all of us want to do the right thing.

几乎是所有人吧， 都想要做正确的、道德的事。

At some level, these moral regrets are very heartening.

从某种意义上来说， 道德后悔的故事很暖人心田。

The idea that people are bugged for years, decades,

因为你看，多少年了， 那些人心里一直有一个疙瘩，

by these moral breaches earlier in their life.

就是因为在他们年轻时 做了一点点错事。

I think most of us want to do the right thing.

我觉得大部分人都想做正确的事。

And then connection regrets.

然后是人际后悔。

We want love, not love only in the romantic sense,

我们需要爱。 不光是男女之爱，

but love in the broader sense of connection and relationship

也包括广义的爱，建立认同和纽带，

and affinity with other people.

和他人建立亲密关系。

And so in a weird way,

所以说，神奇的是

this negative emotion of regret points the way to a good life.

消极的后悔情绪 反而指明了如何更好生活。

By studying regret, we know what constitutes a good life,

通过研究后悔，我们理解了 好生活的“组成成分”。

a life of stability,

一个安稳的生活，

a life where you have a chance to take a few risks,

一个你能放手一搏、适当冒险的生活，

a life where you’re doing the right thing

一个问心无愧的生活，

and a life where you have people who love you and whom you love.

一个你爱着别人，也有别人爱你的生活。

And so to me, I started out saying,

一开始，我以为…

“Oh, boy, is this book going to be a downer, studying regret?”

“噢，要命了，研究后悔？ 会让人得忧郁症的…”

And it ended up being very uplifting.

结果反而相当的积极向上。

And so, those are the four core regrets.

这些就是4大类后悔。

Regret points us to the good life.

后悔指明了更好人生的方向。

And so I hope that you'll begin to reckon with your own regrets

所以我希望你可以开始思考 你自己的后悔。

because I think they're going to give you direction to a life well lived.

因为他们会为你指明道路。

Whitney Pennigton Rogers: Well, thank you for that, Dan

惠尼：谢谢你，丹

I was clapping behind the scenes when you couldn't actually see me,

在你看不到的时候， 我其实在幕后拍手，

for everyone who I know also really appreciated what you shared there.

因为我认识的其他人 也都感谢你的分享。

First, Dan, you mentioned, you know, this big takeaway

总之，丹，你提到的重点是：

about how thinking about regret

通过思考后悔……

can help us figure out what is the recipe for the good life.

可以帮助我们明白 怎样才能更好地生活。

I guess what has been your biggest takeaway from doing this work beyond that?

我想知道，对你个人而言 从事这研究后的最大收获是什么？

DHP: I found it really interesting how much people want to talk about this,

丹：有意思的是，我发现人们 真的很愿意一吐心声，

and that's what got me on it in the first place.

这也是让我开始这段旅程的原因。

That is, I had an experience in my life

这和我的个人经历有关，

where one of my kids graduated from college,

我的一个孩子大学毕业了，

and that sort of marker in my life made me start thinking

这件事让我开始思考 我有过哪些后悔。

about what regrets that I had.

And I just mentioned it to a few people,

后来我和一些朋友稍微聊了聊，

and I found them, like, leaning in to the conversation.

我发觉他们立刻就倾吐起来。

So I was amazed at how much people want to talk about this

所以说我没想到 人们会那么愿意谈论这个话题，

and how much this taboo of like,

也包括比如说，平常有多少忌讳。

“Oh, I don’t have any regrets,” is so ridiculous.

“哦，我一丁点儿后悔也没有” 胡说八道。

I mean, it's absurd.

太荒谬了。

And that if we actually start talking about it,

如果我们能坦诚的聊这个话题， 会对所有人都有帮助。

we're going to be better off.

For me personally, I think that the biggest takeaway was the ...

对我个人来说，我学到的 最重要的一点就是…

Was the connection regrets.

…就是人际后悔。

Because I had so many people who had the same story

因为我听过很多人讲过同一个故事：

where they had a friendship,

他们有一段友情…

some kind of relationship,

…或其他某种人际关系，

and it comes apart,

后来疏远了；

and they want to reach out and they say,

再后来他们想要主动联系，

"Oh no, it's going to be really awkward.

但他们找借口说， “不行，这个太尴尬了。

And the other side's not going to care."

对方根本不会鸟我的。”

And we're so wrong about that.

但其实根本就不这样。

It's not awkward, and the other side almost always appreciates it.

这种事一点都不尴尬， 而且对方一般都会很欣慰。

And so for me,

所以对我而言，

I guess the takeaway is if I'm at a juncture in my life

教训就是，如果我来到了 人生的十字路口，

where I'm thinking,

当我脑子在想，

“Should I reach out or should I not reach out?”

“我是主动去联系好呢？ 还是不联系好？”

I've answered the question.

我已经有了答案。

That the answer to that question at that juncture,

如果你亲自遇到了这个十字路口，

if you reach that juncture,

the answer is, always reach out.

那么答案永远是主动去联系。

You know, especially coming out a time like this, Whitney,

特别是现在这种特殊时期，惠尼，

we need that sense of of connection.

我们需要更多人际间的接触。

And so the ethic of always reaching out, to me, is one of the best life lessons

所以说要主动联系，这个道理， 是我学到的非常重要的一课。

that I've learned.

WPR: Well, we're going to do something a little interesting next, Dan,

惠尼：好的。接下来 我们要做一个很有意思的环节，

which is have some Members share their own regrets.

我们要请一些参与者 来分享他们的后悔。

And so I want to, I guess,

所以接下来我就…

hand things over to you right now so that you can bring in our first Member

…把舞台交还给你， 然后你就可以请第一位参与者，

and we can explore more

让我们来观摩一下

what this process of thinking about making our regrets

思考后悔的这个过程

help us live the good life actually looks like.

是如何帮助我们指明更好的人生的。

DHP: Sure, sure.

丹：当然，当然。

And so let's bring on Lily.

那就让我们有请……莉莉。

I don't want it to sound like a magic act, but Lily and I don't know each other.

我不想讲得好像是在变魔术一样， 但莉莉和我不认识。

We haven't gone through this before,

我们没有预演过。

but what I want to try to do is actually,

所以其实接下来我要做的

the hearing of the stories of people's regrets

是听别人讲述他们的后悔，

I think is super interesting and revealing.

我觉得这个过程非常有意思， 而且会揭示很多内涵。

We’re going to hear Lily’s regret,

我们首先来听一听莉莉的后悔，

and we're going to talk through what science says

然后我们来聊一聊， 科学能告诉我们，如何回应这些后悔。

might be some appropriate responses to that.

So, Lily, welcome.

莉莉，欢迎你。

Lily: Thank you, hi everyone.

谢谢，大家好啊。

DHP: And tell us where you are.

告诉我们，你人在哪里？

L: I'm currently in Brooklyn, New York.

我在纽约，布鲁克林。

DHP: Brooklyn is in the house here at TED Membership.

丹：布鲁克林，正式加入TED群聊。

So Lily, tell us you regret.

那么莉莉，说说你的后悔吧。

L: Yeah. So my regret that I want to share

莉：嗯。所以我想要分享的后悔是

is that for most of my young adult life

我刚刚踏入社会时，

from kindergarten, really, straight through high school

其实也是从幼儿园开始，一直到高中，

is that I was painfully, painfully shy

我真的，真的，非常腼腆，

with really low self-confidence.

自信心也很低。

As I was thinking about this, I was remembering,

现在我一边在讲，一边就回想起来，

and there were times where I just wanted to close my eyes

有时我真的希望能闭上眼睛， 消失不见。

and be invisible.

And I think that, you know, my ...

而且我觉得……

Like, I didn't really come into my own until I got to college,

直到进了大学， 我才学会如何发挥自己。

where I found a really great group of friends,

当我交了很多好朋友，

really, like, I was confident in expressing myself

可以自信地把话说出来，

and, you know, just being myself.

做真正的自己。

And I think that, you know,

我觉得

my regret is that I just really wish I had taken a little bit more effort

我的后悔是 希望自己之前就能更努力的…

to build my confidence to fight this a little bit more,

…来建立自信，更卖力一些，

because I worry about what opportunities I might have missed.

因为我害怕可能失去了什么机会。

So ever since then, I feel like I try to counteract it now.

从那以后，我就一直 试着缓解类似的情况。

And if ever I meet someone who might be going through,

如果我遇到其他人 也在经历着同样的事，

especially if they're younger, like going through the same thing I did,

特别是年轻人，和我有一样经历的，

I try to make them feel seen

我会聆听他们，

and try to empathize with how they're feeling.

并试着理解他们的感受。

So that's kind of a takeaway, I guess, from that regret.

所以我从后悔里学到的 差不多就是这样。

DHP: But I mean, it sounds like ...

丹：但是，听起来…… 你现在还有这种后悔吗？

So is this a regret that's still with you?

L: I think ...

莉：我觉得…

DHP: It sounds to me like you might have sort of begun the process

丹：我听下来的感觉是， 你才刚开始一点一点的消化过程。

of resolving it a little bit.

L: Absolutely.

莉：确实是这样。

But I think that, you know, even just, you know, prepping for this,

但我觉得，之前准备的时候，

I start to think about like, you know,

我就会想，

there could have been more things that I could have done

我其实还可以做得更多，

if I had just put myself a little bit out there,

如果稍微更加出头一点点，

if I didn't, just try to hide so much.

如果我不想着遮遮掩掩的话。

DHP: OK, alright.

丹：OK，好的。

This is fascinating, Lily,

真的很有意思，莉莉。

and I have to say, I have this database of regrets.

我想说，我有那么多后悔的数据。

And you can search the database.

而且你可以搜索整个数据库。

And if I were to search the database

如果我去现在去搜索：

for the phrase "speak up," "spoke up," "spoken up,"

“说出心声”，“说出了心声”， “说出过心声”，

I would get huge, huge numbers of of people.

会出来大量、大量的搜索结果。

It is one of the most common regrets,

这是最常见的后悔之一，

is that people regret not speaking up.

人们后悔没有说出自己的心声。

The important thing about our regrets that comes from the science is this:

关于后悔，研究告诉我们的重点是：

it's how we deal with them.

关键是如何面对后悔。

So we can take that regret and say,

我们可以承受这份后悔，然后说：

"You know what?

“你猜怎么着？难受一点也无所谓，

It doesn’t matter that I feel terrible and I have this regret,

because I'm just going to ignore it," right?

我只要无视就行了。” 对不对？

That's like the blithe "no regrets" philosophy.

正所谓无忧无虑的“不后悔“哲学。

That's a bad idea, alright?

这种想法一塌糊涂，好吗？

The other way at it is to say,

然后另一边，有人说：

"Oh my God, I have all these regrets,

“我的老天，我有那么多后悔，

it's so terrible, I'm going to wallow in them."

我就一直浸泡在后悔里吧。”

That's a bad idea too.

这种想法也是一塌糊涂。

What we want to do,

我们想要做的—— 而你已经很完美的办到的——

and I think that you've already done a really brilliant job of it

is use these regrets as signals.

是把后悔当成信号。

Signals for our thinking; what is it teaching me?

思考的信号：“这教会我什么？”

And so there are a few things in the research

研究给了我们一些线索，该怎么做。

that give us some clues about what to do.

So one of them is this.

其中之一是：

So we start with sort of, reframing the regret

首先，我们要重新审视后悔。 我们是怎么思考后悔的？

and how we think about it in ourselves.

So do you think that you are the only person with this kind of regret?

你觉得，你是世上唯一 有这种后悔的人吗？

L: I don't know.

莉：我不知道。

DHP: Not at all.

丹：当然不是啦！我正在看聊天室

I’m watching the chat, man.

Somebody said, “Lily, you’re telling my story.”

刚有人在说：“莉莉， 你和我有一模一样的经历。”

So one of the things that we can do with our regret

如果我们后悔， 我们可以做的事情之一……

is treat ourselves with self-compassion, alright?

是给自己一些同情，好吗？

Not boost our self-esteem,

不是自尊心膨胀，

that's sometimes dangerous.

因为膨胀有时很危险；

Not rip ourselves down with self-criticism,

不是自我批判，

but actually say,

而是说

treat ourselves with kindness rather than contempt

给我们自己一些同情，而不是鄙视，

and recognize that what we're going through

并认识到我们的经历…

is part of the shared human experience.

…是全人类共通的经历。

That's one thing.

这是一点。

The second thing that we can do is we can disclose our regret.

我们可以做的第二件事是 吐露我们的后悔。

And there are few things that are interesting about disclosure.

关于吐露，有几点很有意思。

There's something amazing why 16,000 people

为什么16000人 愿意和我分享他们的后悔？

were willing to share their regrets with me.

这就很有意思了。

I mean, like, what's going on there, right?

这到底是什么情况？是吧。

And the reason is that when we disclose our regrets,

其中原因就是，当我们吐露后悔时，

we relieve some of the burden.

我们舒缓了一些负担。

That's one thing.

这是其一。

The second thing that we do

其二是，当我们把后悔说出来的时候，

is that when we actually talk about our regrets,

converting these kind of blobby mental abstractions into concrete words,

一团团抽象的心理 变成了具体的语句，

whether it's spoken or writing,

不管是“说”还是“写”，

defangs them.

（这个过程）让它们变得无害。

It begins the sense-making process.

然后我们才开始理性思考。

And the other thing about disclosure,

关于吐露，另一件事是

which is a dirty little secret that I'll reveal to all of you

这是一个从研究里得出的小秘密。

that comes out in the research very clearly,

is that when we disclose our vulnerabilities and our weaknesses,

当我们吐露自己的弱点时，

people don't like us less,

人们不会更讨厌我们， 反而更喜欢我们。

they actually like us more.

Because they empathize with us.

因为他们能感同身受，

They respect our courage.

他们也看到了勇气。

And the final thing is to actually try to extract a lesson from it,

最后一个重点，是从后悔中吸取教训。

to use this regret.

So what would you say, Lily,

莉莉，你觉得 你从这个后悔学到了什么？

is the lesson that you've learned from this regret?

L: I think that ...

莉：我会想…

What would have gone wrong if I ...

如果我...会怎样...

DHP: That's interesting.

丹：有意思。

L: If I were more open about expressing myself,

莉：如果我能更多的表达自己，

like, people might discover I'm a little weird,

比如，别人会不会觉得我怪怪的，

or they might think that maybe I'm nice

也许他们会觉得我人挺好，

and hopefully maybe a little funny.

或者我很有意思。

So I think, like, maybe that's one thing that jumps to mind.

我能想到的就这点。

Like, what could have gone wrong?

（就算说出来）又有何不可？

You know.

DHP: So what's the lesson that you have applied going forward?

丹：你学到了什么 是以后可以用到的？

Taking this regret, OK,

比如说这个后悔，

so you've sort of treated yourself with kindness rather than contempt.

你给与了自己更多同情，而不是轻视，

You've disclosed it to all these people here.

你在这里分享了自己的后悔，

You've begun the sense-making process by talking about it and writing about it.

通过说出来，或是写下来， 你开始了理性思考的过程

What's a lesson that you can extract from this?

你从这个过程里学到了什么？

L: I think that ...

莉：我觉得…

I'm not sure.

不是很确定。

DHP: Well, then let me tell you.

丹：好的，那就让我来告诉你吧。

(Laughs)

I think that the lesson is to ...

我觉得能从中学到的就是…

Next time, speak up.

下一次，说出来。

Next time, speak up.

下一次，要说出来。

Next time when you are at a juncture,

下一次，当你再次面临抉择时，

"Should I speak up or not,"

“哎，我要不要说出来？”

think about this.

记得这段对话。

Think about this and speak up.

记得这段对话的内容，然后说出心声。

Do you have any kind of work meetings or anything coming on

你接下有没有会议或者其他事里…

where you're going to be confronted with this?

会让你面对这类抉择的？

L: Yeah, and I think that happens all the time.

莉：有的。而且天天都有这种事

Like, you know, I have an idea.

类似说，我有一个新的想法，

Oh, but someone starts talking,

哎呀但是，有人已经在发言了，

and then like, you just sort of fade back into the background,

所以就渐渐的藏到背景里去了。

and that’s something I want to counteract more often.

我一直都想回避这种情况。

Because, more often than not,

因为，或多或少的，

you know that idea is a contribution,

我的想法会点有争议性。

and why am I hesitating so much?

这也是为什么我那么犹豫。

DHP: Yeah.

丹：是的。

So you have a lesson.

所以你学到了一课，

The lesson is, speak up.

教会你要说出口。

So why don't you --

So how about the next meeting you're in,

下一次开会的时候，

when you have something to say, don't hesitate and speak up.

当你有什么想说的， 你不要犹豫，要说出来。

L: Done, I'll do it.

莉：没问题。我会的

DHP: OK, but here's the thing,

丹：OK，但是你看

what I like about this is you've just made a promise to 300 people.

我很欣慰的是 你在300人面前下了这个保证，

So you're on the hook.

所以你逃不掉了。

L: I'm on the hook.

莉：我逃不掉了。

DHP: So this is it.

丹：所以说定了。

So, Lily has this regret.

莉莉有这个后悔，

She's looking backwards, saying, "Oh, if only I'd spoken up,"

她回顾过去，说 “啊，如果我说出口就好了。”

and instead of beating herself up, she is divulging it,

比起不停的责怪自己， 她选择了分享出来，

she's extracting a lesson from it,

她从里面学到了一课，

and she's taking that and applying it to some next interaction.

下一次再发生时， 她会应用自己所学到的，

So this is what we do.

这就是我们的做法。

This is how, again, looking backward can move you forward.

如何回顾过去，可以帮助你继续前进，

Lily, that's such a fantastic --

莉莉，这个真的是太棒了…

People in the chat are saying, "We will hold Lily accountable,"

聊天栏里有人在说： “我们会负责监督莉莉的。”

which I love.

厉害了。

So Lily, thanks for that.

莉莉，谢谢你。

We're going to bring --

I really, really appreciate your sharing that with us,

我真的，真的非常感谢 你能和我们分享这些。

and I want you to report back that you did speak up.

你做到之后， 记得回来告诉我一声。

L: I will, thank you.

莉：我会的，谢谢你。

DHP: Thanks, Lily.

丹：谢谢，莉莉。

WPR: Well, we have a question here from Claudia, who asks,

惠尼：我们这有另一个提问， 克劳地亚，她想问：

"Can you speak to the issue of painful life regrets?

你能讲一讲，痛苦一生的后悔吗？

Major opportunities lost?

（比如）错过的重大机会？

Do you have some advice

你有什么建议，

on how to avoid being paralyzed by fear or further regret?"

如何才能不被恐惧和更多后悔 弄得寸步难行。

DHP: Yeah.

丹：没问题。

It’s interesting that Claudia said “opportunities lost,”

克劳蒂亚的用词很有意思： “错过的机会”。

and let me pick up on that phrase right here.

就让我从这个词开始吧。

Because one of the things I saw in my own research,

在研究里，我发现了一件事。

because I also did a huge survey of the American population

因为我也对美国民众做了问卷调查，

where we surveyed

我们调查了

4489个有代表性的美国人样本，

a representative sample of 4,489 Americans

about regret and how it worked.

问了他们关于后悔方面的问题。

But one of the things you see widespread

有一件流传甚广的事是…

is that there are, in the architecture of regret,

在后悔的结构中，

there are often two kinds of regrets.

往往有两类后悔。

One are regrets of action and one are regrets of inaction.

一种是做了的后悔， 一种是没做的后悔。

Regrets about what we did.

后悔做过，

Regrets about what we didn't do.

后悔没做过。

And overwhelmingly, inaction regrets predominate.

而绝大多数的情况下， “后悔没做过”占了主导。

And that's what an opportunity lost is.

这就是“错过的机会”。

With action regrets,

“后悔做过”时，

we can try to undo them.

我们可以试着修复，

We can make amends.

我们可以矫正，

We can look for the silver lining, and we can reduce the sting.

我们可以寻求救赎，减少伤害。

For inaction regrets, it is harder.

但“后悔没做过”的话，就更难了。

And so the key here on the opportunities lost

所以讲到错失的机会，关键是：

is to think about,

想一想，你之后的打算？

you know, really like, what are you going to do?

You sort of reduce the level of abstraction and say,

你要简化整件事的抽象程度，然后问：

"What are you going to do next time?"

“你下次会怎么做？”

Not an abstraction of like, "Oh, I'm going to be more bold."

不是很抽象地说： “哦，我会更勇敢的”，

It's like, what are you going to do next time?

而是具体的问：“你下次会怎么做？”

This is what we were talking about with Lily.

这就是我们和莉莉聊过的

What are you going to do next time?

“你下次会怎么做？”

All regrets begin at the juncture.

后悔是从抉择开始的。

You can go this way or you can go that way.

你可以选这边， 也可以选那边。

And so for Claudia, I would say, the next time you're at this juncture,

所以对克劳蒂亚，我的建议是 下一次遇到抉择时

take the opportunity, play it safe.

抓住良机，稳稳当当的去做。

Stop,

停止沉浸在后悔里，

think about your regret,

and make the decision there.

当场做出决定。

Or another thing that you could do.

或者还可以这样。

I'll give you another, sort of, decision-making heuristic.

我再给你另一个做决定的思路， 更正，我再给你两个。

Two of them, in fact.

When you're at that juncture, Claudia, next time,

克劳蒂亚，当你下次面对抉择时，

go forward five years.

前进5年。

This is called self-distancing.

这叫做“从远处审视”。

Be Claudia five years from now, look back on Claudia today.

你是5年后的克劳蒂亚，回顾今天，

What decision do you want?

你会怎么选？

What decision does Claudia of 2027 want Claudia of 2022 to make?

2027年的克劳蒂亚，会希望2022年的 克劳蒂亚做出什么样的选择？

It's very clear.

简单明了。

Or the best decision-making heuristic there is:

或者，世上最好的做决策的思路是：

You're at a juncture, what would you tell your best friend to do?

面对抉择，你会对你的挚友说什么？

When you ask people that when they're trying to make a decision,

当人们要做选择时，你问他们：

say, “What would you tell your best friend to do?”

“你会怎样建议你的挚友？”

Everybody always knows.

每个人都能答上来。

So, I think that's it.

所以我觉得，关键是…

Remember, the main thing, though, is don't let it bog you down.

不要被拖累。

Use it as a tool for thinking -- not as a tool for wallowing,

把这些用作思考的工具 不是用来沉溺，

not as a tool for ignoring -- but as a tool for thinking.

不是用来视而不见， 而是用来思考。

WPR: A question from Kim, she's asking --

惠尼：另一个问题，金提问，

She says you're talking as if any bad decision or mistake is also a regret,

她说，你讲的好像每一坏 决定或过错都是后悔一样；

and I'm not sure that that's always the case.

但我觉得，并不一定是这样。

Can you share your definition of regret?

可以分享一下你对后悔的定义吗？ 特别是你做了研究了后。

Especially after doing this project.

What is your definition?

你的定义是什么？

DHP: There's a difference between a regret and a mistake, alright?

丹：后悔和过错不一样

So you can make a mistake and not regret it

你可以犯错，而没有后悔，

because you say, you immediately learn something from it

因为比如，你可以说我立刻学会了一课，

or it was a worthy mistake.

或者，你可以说“错得有价值”。

A regret is something where you look backward at something

后悔，是当你回顾时，

that where you had control, where you had some agency ...

有你能掌控的，能左右的事情。

Where you had some agency, you did something that, well,

而你做了错误的决定， 并且不能释怀，

you did something wrong, and it sticks with you.

It doesn't go away.

放不下来，

And it sticks with you for a very long time.

久久无法释怀。

So there's a big difference, for instance, between ...

这其中有很大的区别，比如…

I can make a mistake and actually not regret it

我可以犯个错，但不后悔；

because it's not significant enough to me to linger, right?

因为不够严重，所以不会纠结。

So that's the difference between a regret and a mistake.

所以这就是后悔和过错的区别。

It's basically the duration,

主要和长度有关，

essentially, the half-life of the negative emotion.

本质上是负面情绪的“半衰期”。

There's a huge difference between regret and disappointment.

而后悔和失望之间，有一个重大区别。

Huge difference between regret and disappointment.

后悔和失望之间，区别重大。

Because with disappointment, you don't have any kind of control.

因为失望，并不在你的控制之内，

The great example of that is from Janet Landman,

珍尼特·兰德曼就讲过一个很好的例子。

a former professor at the University of Michigan who, to me, is like,

她是密西根大学的前教授，

she tells the story of like, OK, so a kid loses her third tooth.

她跟我说过一个故事： 一个小孩掉了第三颗牙，

A seven-year-old loses her third tooth.

一个7岁小孩掉了第三颗牙，

She loses her tooth, she goes to sleep,

牙齿掉了；后来她要睡觉了。

before she goes to sleep, she puts the tooth under the pillow.

睡觉之前，她把牙齿放在了枕头下面。 （指牙仙的故事）

When she wakes up,

她醒来时，牙齿还在那儿。

the tooth is still there.

The kid is disappointed,

小孩很失望， 而大人很后悔（没放零花钱）。

but the parents regret not leaving that --

So you have to have some agency and it has to have a ...

所以你必须有一定的决定权，

It has to have enough significance that it stays with you.

而只有很重要的事， 才会让人难以释怀。

And once again, going back to these four core regrets,

所以再说一遍， 回到后悔的四个大类，

it ends up being the same kinds of ...

总的来说，都是十分相似的事情。

it ends up being the same kinds of things.

If you said, "Oh, I shouldn't have bought that kind of car,"

比如“我该买那种车的”，

it might sting for a little bit, but the half-life is very, very short.

可能有一点后悔，但不会纠结太久。

But other kinds of things stick with us and stick with us,

但世上也有更难释怀的事情， 往往对我们也更加重要。

and those are the things often of significance.

WPR: Thank you so much, Dan, for chatting with us,

惠尼：非常感谢你，丹， 能和我们聊了那么多，

and I love ending there, "If not now when?"

现在结束刚刚好， “此时不做，更待何时？”

And we'll see you soon.

我们回头见。

Thank you, Dan.

谢谢你，丹。

DHP: Thanks a lot, what a pleasure.

丹：谢谢你。这是我的荣幸。 谢谢你邀请我。

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