4 Kinds of Regret – and What They Teach You about Yourself | Daniel H. Pink | TED

Transcriber:

Translator: Lumlum Siu Reviewer: Thomas Tam

Let's talk about regret.

我嚟講下「後悔」

It is, to my mind, our most misunderstood emotion,

我哋誤解得最多嘅係呢個情緒

and so I decided to spend a couple of years studying it.

所以我決定花幾年 去學習佢

And one of the things that I did is I went back

其中一件事

就係回顧過去五十多年 社會科學對後悔嘅研究

and I looked at about 50 years of social science on regret.

And here's what it tells you.

研究話你知

我唔使你讀 半世紀嘅社會科研

I'll save you the trouble of reading a half century of social science.

The research tells us that everybody has regrets,

研究話人人都會有後悔

噉我哋先至係人類

regrets make us human.

Truly, the only people without regrets are five-year-olds,

講真，唯一唔會後悔 就得五歲嘅細路仔

people with brain damage and sociopaths.

腦部受損或係反社會嘅人

The rest of us, we have regrets,

大部分人都會有後悔

and if we treat our regrets right, and that's a big if,

若果正確對待佢 會有好大可能

but there are ways to do it,

但要有方法去做

regrets can actually make us better.

後悔令我哋變得更好

They can improve our decision-making skills,

可以提高做決策嘅能力

improve our negotiation skills,

談判嘅能力

make us better strategists, make us better problem solvers,

成為更好戰略家同解決問題嘅人

enhance our sense of meaning

改善我哋意義感

若可正確對待後悔

if we treat them right.

And the good news is that there's a systematic way to do that.

好消息嘅係 有個有系統嘅方法去做

But I want to take just a few minutes to tell you about another aspect of regret

不過我先花幾分鐘話你知 後悔嘅額外嘅嘢

that I think is really, really just super interesting.

我認為極之有趣

As part of the research here,

作為研究嘅部分

I decided to ask people for their regrets,

我決定做後悔嘅街訪

and to my surprise,

令我驚喜嘅係

I ended up collecting about 16,000 regrets

最終收集咗嚟自 105 個國家嘅人

from people in 105 countries.

約莫 16,000 個後悔事例

It’s an extraordinary trove.

真係唔尋常嘅寶藏

And what I realized when I went through this incredible database

睇到令人難以置信 人類志向、渴望嘅數據庫

of human longing and aspiration

我意識到

is that around the world,

喺全世界嘅範圍裏便

and there's very little national difference here,

國家之間嘅差別係好細

people kept expressing the same four regrets.

人會不斷重複緊 表達四類相同嘅後悔

Around the world, there are the same four regrets

喺呢個世界上 有四類後悔

that keep coming up over and over and over again.

係不斷重複又重複噉出現

So what I want to do is just quickly tell you

所以我想儘快話你知

about these four core regrets,

呢四類後悔嘅核心內容

because I think they reveal something incredibly important and interesting.

因為佢哋揭露咗啲非常緊要又有趣嘅事

So the four core regrets that I'm going to cover.

以下係四類核心嘅後悔

Number one, what I call foundation regrets.

第一類，叫做基礎型後悔

Foundation regrets.

基礎型後悔

These are people who regret things like this:

大家會後悔嘅嘢類似係

not saving enough money,

儲唔夠錢喇

which would be like, you know, financial regret,

係財務上嘅懊悔

not taking care of their health and not eating right, health regret.

對健康同飲食照顧唔夠好 係健康懊悔

But they're the same.

都係同一類型

Those kinds of regrets are about making choices

呢種後悔同做選擇有關

that didn't allow you to have some stability,

唔允許你咁穩定

a stable platform for their life.

即係穩定嘅生活

I have a lot of people who regret not working hard enough in school.

我有好多人後悔讀書時唔夠努力

A lot of people who regret --

好多人後悔——

I got a lot of regrets about not saving money.

儲唔夠錢

And it reminds me a little bit of Aesop’s fable

令我諗起伊索寓言裏便

of the ant and the grasshopper,

螞蟻與蚱蜢

where earlier in their life they acted like a grasshopper instead of the ant,

佢哋生命較早期 行為好似蚱蜢，唔似螞蟻

and now it's catching up with them.

而現在要趕上螞蟻喇

So foundation regrets sound like this:

所以基礎型嘅後悔會係

"If only" --

「如果」——

And that's the catch phrase of regret, "if only" --

後悔嘅口頭禪——

"If only I'd done the work."

「如果我做晒啲嘢。」

Second category.

第二類

I love this category, it's fascinating.

我好鍾意佢 非常有趣

Boldness regrets.

膽量型後悔

I have hundreds of regrets around the world that go like this:

我有好多後悔都類似噉樣

“X years ago, there was a man/woman whom I really liked.

好多年前，我曾經好鍾意 一個男仔或者女仔

I wanted to ask him/her out on a date,

我好想約佢出街

but I was too scared to do it

但係我唔敢去約佢

and I've regretted it ever since."

之後一直都好後悔

I also have hundreds of regrets by people who said:

仲有好多後悔係：

"Oh, I always wanted to start a business,

「其實我想開翻間公司

but I never had the guts to do that."

但一直都無膽去做。」

People who said: “Oh, I wish I’d spoken up more.

啲人話：「我希望嗰時講多啲嘢

I wish I'd said something and asserted myself."

能肯定自己講咗嘅嘢。」

These are, as I said before, what I call boldness regrets.

呢啲就係我頭先講嘅膽量型後悔

And we get to a juncture in our life and we have a choice.

當遇到一個生命契機 就要做選擇喇

We can play it safe or we can take the chance.

我哋尋求安穩 定係抓緊機會

And what I found is overwhelmingly

我發現絕大多數人

people regret not taking the chance.

後悔無去抓緊機會

Even people who took the chance and it didn't work out

即使有抓住機會但無成功嘅人

don't really have many regrets about that.

都冇咁後悔

就係做唔到嘅人先係噉

It's the people who didn't take the chance.

有膽量型嘅後悔

So this is boldness regrets.

Boldness regrets sound like this:

膽量型後悔就好似：

"If only I'd taken the chance."

「如果當時抓緊機會。」

Third category.

第三類

Moral regrets.

道德型後悔

Very interesting, very interesting category.

非常有趣嘅類型

These are people who, again,

仲係有啲人

a lot of these regrets begin at a juncture.

好多人後悔開始喺

You're at a juncture,

一個關鍵時刻

you can do the right thing or you can do the wrong thing.

你做啱定做錯件事

People do the wrong thing,

有人做錯咗

and they regret it.

然後後悔

I mean, one of the ones that really stuck with me,

有一個故事令我好難忘

I'm going to try to pull it up here,

喺呢度同大家分享下

is this one here, this woman.

有一個 71 歲

She's a 71-year-old woman in New Jersey.

住喺新澤西州嘅女士：

"When I was a kid,

「當我細個時

my mother would send me to a small local store for a few items.

媽媽會叫我去舖頭仔度買嘢

I frequently would steal a candy bar when the grocer wasn't looking.

我經常趁店員唔覺就偷塊糖

That's bothered me for about 60 years."

呢件事困擾咗我 60 年啦。」

So 71-year-old woman in New Jersey,

所以呢位新澤西州女士

for 60 years, she's been bugged by this moral breach.

俾個不道德行為 困擾咗 60 年

So moral regrets.

呢個就係道德型後悔

We have people regretting bullying,

有人後悔欺凌他人

we have people regretting marital infidelity.

又有人後悔對婚姻不忠

All kinds of things.

林林總總

Moral regrets sound like this,

道德型後悔聽起來係咁

“If only I’d done the right thing.”

「如果我當時做啱咗。」

And finally, our fourth category, or what I call connection regrets.

最後第四類 我叫佢做關係型後悔

Connection regrets are like this:

關係型後悔就係

You have a relationship or ought to have a relationship.

你已有或者應該有一段關係

And it doesn't matter what the relationship is.

唔理係咩關係

Kids, parents, siblings, cousins, friends, colleagues,

同子女、父母、兄弟姐妹 表親、朋友及同事

but you have a relationship or ought to have had a relationship,

但係呢段關係

and the relationship comes apart.

不過喺最後分開咗

And what's interesting is that what these 16,000 people were telling me

有趣嘅係呢 16,000 人話我知

is that the way these relationships come apart

呢啲關係只係疏離咗

is often not very dramatic,

通常唔係

not very dramatic at all.

完全唔係好激烈噉

They often come apart by drifting apart

通常都係慢慢疏離

rather than through some kind of explosive rift.

唔係嗰種好爆炸性嘅衝突

And what happens is that people don't want to reach out

而係大家唔願意聯絡對方

因為佢哋話做主動嗰個會好尷尬

because they say it’s going to be awkward to reach out,

and the other side is not going to care.

而另一邊都唔會著緊

One of the lessons that I learned from this book for myself

我自己從書中認識到要經常

is always reach out.

主動聯絡其他人

So that's what connection regrets are.

呢個就係關係型後悔

"If only I'd reached out."

「如果我主動聯絡。」

And so over and over and over again, we see these same regrets:

所以我哋重重複複噉 見到呢啲後悔

Foundation regrets: “If only I’d done the work.”

基礎型後悔：如果我做嗮啲嘢

Boldness regrets: “If only I’d taken the chance.”

膽量型後悔：如果我抓緊機會

Moral regrets: “If only I’d done the right thing.”

道德型後悔：如果我做正確嘅事

And connection regrets: “If only I’d reached out.”

關係型後悔：如果我主動聯絡

And when we look at these regrets, so that's interesting in itself,

當我哋睇下呢啲後悔 有趣嘅就係

but what I realized is that these four core regrets

呢四類核心嘅後悔

operate as a kind of photographic negative of the good life.

運作上似一種美好生活嘅攝影底片

Because if we understand what people regret the most,

因為如果我哋明白人最後悔嘅事

we actually can understand what they value the most.

就明白佢哋最睇重啲咩嘢

And each of these regrets, to my mind,

我認為每種後悔

reveals something fundamental about humanity and about what we need.

反映咗人性嘅基本面同埋需要啲咩嘢

We need stability.

我哋需要穩定

Nobody wants to have an unstable life.

無人想要過唔穩定嘅生活

We want a chance to learn and grow and do something.

我哋需要學習 成長同做事嘅機會

We recognize that we are not here forever,

我哋知道不會永遠喺呢度

and we want to do something and try something.

我哋想嘗試同做翻啲嘢

And at least feel the exhilaration of being bold.

至少會因為膽大而興奮

Moral regrets, I think most of us,

至於道德型後悔

almost all of us want to do the right thing.

我哋大部分人都想做啱嘅嘢

At some level, these moral regrets are very heartening.

道德型後悔 某程度上令人好上心

The idea that people are bugged for years, decades,

人俾自己早年道德失誤嘅想法

by these moral breaches earlier in their life.

困擾咗數年 甚至幾十年

I think most of us want to do the right thing.

大部分人都想做啱啲嘢

And then connection regrets.

然後係關係型後悔

We want love, not love only in the romantic sense,

我哋想要嘅愛 唔單止係浪漫噉

but love in the broader sense of connection and relationship

而係廣義嘅愛 包含咗聯繫同關係

同人哋嗰種親近感覺

and affinity with other people.

所以呢種後悔嘅負面情緒

And so in a weird way,

this negative emotion of regret points the way to a good life.

以一種奇怪嘅方式 指向通往美好生活之路

By studying regret, we know what constitutes a good life,

通過學習後悔 知道咩嘢構成美好人生

a life of stability,

穩定嘅生活

a life where you have a chance to take a few risks,

你有機會冒少少險生活

a life where you’re doing the right thing

係做啱嘢嘅生活

and a life where you have people who love you and whom you love.

生活中你有愛你嘅人 你亦愛佢

And so to me, I started out saying,

我都一樣 開始嗰時會話

“Oh, boy, is this book going to be a downer, studying regret?”

「從呢本書學習後悔 會唔會令人沮喪㗎？」

And it ended up being very uplifting.

佢最後係振奮人心

And so, those are the four core regrets.

之所以係四大核心後悔

Regret points us to the good life.

後悔指向更美好人生

And so I hope that you'll begin to reckon with your own regrets

同埋我希望你哋會開始 去認識到自己嘅後悔

because I think they're going to give you direction to a life well lived.

因為我諗佢哋會 指引你好嘅生活方向

Whitney Pennigton Rogers: Well, thank you for that, Dan

Whitney Pennigton Rogers：多謝你 Dan

我頭先喺幕後鼓掌 不過你睇唔到

I was clapping behind the scenes when you couldn't actually see me,

我識嘅所有人 都好感激你嘅分享

for everyone who I know also really appreciated what you shared there.

First, Dan, you mentioned, you know, this big takeaway

首先， Dan 你提到最大嘅得著

about how thinking about regret

關於點樣去諗後悔嘅事

can help us figure out what is the recipe for the good life.

幫我哋搵到 點樣過美好人生嘅秘訣

I guess what has been your biggest takeaway from doing this work beyond that?

我諗你喺做呢項工作之後 最大嘅收穫係咩嘢？

DHP: I found it really interesting how much people want to talk about this,

DHP：有意思嘅係 好多人想講呢樣嘢

and that's what got me on it in the first place.

就係令我堅持做落去嘅原因

That is, I had an experience in my life

其實，我有過經歷

where one of my kids graduated from college,

當我個細路喺大學畢業嗰陣

and that sort of marker in my life made me start thinking

我生命中嘅標記 使我喺度諗

about what regrets that I had.

我有咩嘢後悔緊

And I just mentioned it to a few people,

我淨係同幾個人講過

and I found them, like, leaning in to the conversation.

然後佢哋就好投入

So I was amazed at how much people want to talk about this

我好驚訝有咁多人想討論呢個話題

and how much this taboo of like,

同時有好多人當佢係禁忌

“Oh, I don’t have any regrets,” is so ridiculous.

「我無咩嘢後悔」 說得好荒謬

I mean, it's absurd.

簡直可笑

And that if we actually start talking about it,

但如果認真開始講呢樣嘢

we're going to be better off.

我哋就會得益

For me personally, I think that the biggest takeaway was the ...

對於我個人嚟講 最大嘅收穫

Was the connection regrets.

就係關係型嘅後悔

Because I had so many people who had the same story

因為我知道好多人 都有同樣經歷

where they had a friendship,

當佢哋曾經有過一段友誼

some kind of relationship,

某種關係

and it comes apart,

然後分開咗

and they want to reach out and they say,

想主動接觸 但然後話

"Oh no, it's going to be really awkward.

「噉樣做會好尷尬

And the other side's not going to care."

對方係唔會在乎嘅。」

And we're so wrong about that.

其實，我哋搞錯晒

It's not awkward, and the other side almost always appreciates it.

其實一啲都唔尷尬 對方通常會好感激

And so for me,

對我嚟講

I guess the takeaway is if I'm at a juncture in my life

我估收穫係喺 人生十字路口

where I'm thinking,

我會諗

“Should I reach out or should I not reach out?”

「我應該去主動揾人嘛？」

I've answered the question.

我已答咗呢條問題

That the answer to that question at that juncture,

嗰個答案

if you reach that juncture,

當你去到呢個時刻

the answer is, always reach out.

答案就係 永遠要去馬

You know, especially coming out a time like this, Whitney,

Whitney，喺呢個時候

we need that sense of of connection.

我哋需要嗰種聯繫嘅感覺

And so the ethic of always reaching out, to me, is one of the best life lessons

所以我學到人生最大嘅嘢係

that I've learned.

永遠要主動聯繫

WPR: Well, we're going to do something a little interesting next, Dan,

WPR：Dan，我哋跟住 做啲有趣嘅嘢

which is have some Members share their own regrets.

同啲會員分享佢哋嘅後悔

And so I want to, I guess,

所以我諗而家交翻俾你

hand things over to you right now so that you can bring in our first Member

邀請第一位會員

and we can explore more

然後探討多啲嘢

what this process of thinking about making our regrets

思考下造成後悔嘅過程

help us live the good life actually looks like.

睇嚟真係幫我哋 過美好嘅人生

DHP: Sure, sure.

DHP：當然啦

And so let's bring on Lily.

我哋歡迎 Lily

I don't want it to sound like a magic act, but Lily and I don't know each other.

我唔想搞到魔術表演噉 我同 Lily 都唔認識

We haven't gone through this before,

我哋冇預習過

but what I want to try to do is actually,

但我想試下

the hearing of the stories of people's regrets

去聽下人哋講後悔嘅故事

I think is super interesting and revealing.

係好有趣同富啟發性

We’re going to hear Lily’s regret,

請聽下 Lily 嘅後悔

and we're going to talk through what science says

我哋將會討論到

喺科學範疇內 對呢啲後悔嘅適當回應

might be some appropriate responses to that.

So, Lily, welcome.

Lily， 歡迎你

Lily: Thank you, hi everyone.

Lily：多謝，大家好﹗

DHP: And tell us where you are.

DHP：話我哋知你住邊度？

L: I'm currently in Brooklyn, New York.

Ｌ：我而家喺紐約嘅布魯克林區

DHP: Brooklyn is in the house here at TED Membership.

DHP：TED 會員 呢處嘅地方係喺 Brooklyn

So Lily, tell us you regret.

Lily，講你嘅後悔

L: Yeah. So my regret that I want to share

L：我想分享嘅後悔係

is that for most of my young adult life

發生喺我細個嘅時候

from kindergarten, really, straight through high school

從幼兒園 真係一直到高中

is that I was painfully, painfully shy

我非常咁怕醜，好痛苦

with really low self-confidence.

自信心又低落

As I was thinking about this, I was remembering,

我諗緊佢嘅時候，我記得

and there were times where I just wanted to close my eyes

曾經有過想合埋對眼

and be invisible.

然後隱形

And I think that, you know, my ...

我諗你會明白......

Like, I didn't really come into my own until I got to college,

直到我入咗大學 我才真正成為自己

where I found a really great group of friends,

我遇到一班好朋友

really, like, I was confident in expressing myself

真嘅，就係，我好有信心表達自己

and, you know, just being myself.

而且，你明白，我只係做回自己

And I think that, you know,

我認為

my regret is that I just really wish I had taken a little bit more effort

我嘅後悔真係希望喺之前 有花多啲精力

to build my confidence to fight this a little bit more,

去培養自信心嚟戰勝怕醜

because I worry about what opportunities I might have missed.

因為我擔心我係咪已經錯過咗一啲機會

So ever since then, I feel like I try to counteract it now.

直到現在，我都覺得我想除去呢種諗法

And if ever I meet someone who might be going through,

如果我見到有個人

especially if they're younger, like going through the same thing I did,

尤其係年紀細遇到 同我經歷一樣嘅問題

I try to make them feel seen

我試下令佢哋覺得俾人睇得到

and try to empathize with how they're feeling.

同埋去體諒佢哋嘅感受

So that's kind of a takeaway, I guess, from that regret.

因此，我諗，從後悔 就學到呢樣嘢

DHP: But I mean, it sounds like ...

DHP：聽起嚟好似......

So is this a regret that's still with you?

所以呢個後悔始終跟著你？

L: I think ...

L：我諗係

DHP: It sounds to me like you might have sort of begun the process

DHP：聽起嚟你好似開始進入咗

of resolving it a little bit.

問題緩解嘅過程

L: Absolutely.

L：當然係

But I think that, you know, even just, you know, prepping for this,

但我認為即使係準備緊呢個過程

I start to think about like, you know,

我會開始諗

there could have been more things that I could have done

有好多嘢係我本來可以做到嘅

if I had just put myself a little bit out there,

如果我開放一啲

if I didn't, just try to hide so much.

但冇做到，只係太過收埋自己

DHP: OK, alright.

DHP：係嘅

This is fascinating, Lily,

好精彩嘅分享，Lily

and I have to say, I have this database of regrets.

不得不說 我有個後悔嘅數據庫

And you can search the database.

你可以去搜尋嘅

And if I were to search the database

如果我喺數據庫搜索

for the phrase "speak up," "spoke up," "spoken up,"

「講出嚟」「講過」「曾經講出嚟」嘅關鍵詞

I would get huge, huge numbers of of people.

我會得到個大基數嘅人群

It is one of the most common regrets,

呢個係其中最常見嘅遺憾

is that people regret not speaking up.

係啲人後悔無講出嚟

The important thing about our regrets that comes from the science is this:

從科學角度嚟講 重要嘅係

it's how we deal with them.

我哋點樣處理啲遺憾

So we can take that regret and say,

所以我哋呢啲後悔講

"You know what?

「你知道嗎？

It doesn’t matter that I feel terrible and I have this regret,

呢個後悔感到好閉翳係唔緊要

because I'm just going to ignore it," right?

我當佢冇到。」係咪？

That's like the blithe "no regrets" philosophy.

就好似隨便嘅「無悔」哲學

That's a bad idea, alright?

呢個係壞嘅諗法嘛？

The other way at it is to say,

換個講法就係

"Oh my God, I have all these regrets,

「我有晒呢啲悔限

it's so terrible, I'm going to wallow in them."

太可怕，我掩蓋咗自己。」

That's a bad idea too.

仲係壞嘅諗法

我哋想做咩嘢

What we want to do,

and I think that you've already done a really brilliant job of it

你已經做得好出色

就係用後悔感覺做信號

is use these regrets as signals.

Signals for our thinking; what is it teaching me?

去思考佢教咗我哋啲咩嘢？

And so there are a few things in the research

喺研究度有幾件事

俾咗啲該做咩嘢嘅線索

that give us some clues about what to do.

So one of them is this.

其中一樣係

So we start with sort of, reframing the regret

我哋開始重新定義後悔

and how we think about it in ourselves.

同埋我哋應該點樣去諗佢

So do you think that you are the only person with this kind of regret?

你會唔會認為自己 係唯一有呢種後悔嘅人？

L: I don't know.

L：我唔知道

DHP: Not at all.

DHP：並唔係

I’m watching the chat, man.

喂，我睇緊你哋傾偈

Somebody said, “Lily, you’re telling my story.”

有人話：「Lily, 你講緊我嘅故事。」

So one of the things that we can do with our regret

所以其中一樣嘢 對付後悔就係

is treat ourselves with self-compassion, alright?

以同情心善待自己，好唔好？

唔係去提升我哋嘅自尊心

Not boost our self-esteem,

that's sometimes dangerous.

有時噉做好危險

Not rip ourselves down with self-criticism,

唔好自我批評貶低自己

but actually say,

但實際上講

treat ourselves with kindness rather than contempt

唔係鄙視而係善待自己

and recognize that what we're going through

仲要了解經歷緊嘅

is part of the shared human experience.

係人類共享經驗嘅部分

That's one thing.

此其一

The second thing that we can do is we can disclose our regret.

第二就係講出我哋嘅懊悔

And there are few things that are interesting about disclosure.

講起嚟都有幾件趣事

There's something amazing why 16,000 people

有成 16,000 人願意同我分享

were willing to share their regrets with me.

佢哋啲後悔 確實好神奇

I mean, like, what's going on there, right?

究竟發生咩事，係嘛？

And the reason is that when we disclose our regrets,

原因係當我哋公開自己所後悔嘅

we relieve some of the burden.

就減輕咗啲負擔

That's one thing.

一方面係咁

The second thing that we do

第二件要做嘅

is that when we actually talk about our regrets,

係當我哋真正講到關於後悔嗰時

converting these kind of blobby mental abstractions into concrete words,

將模糊抽象嘅心理活動 轉變成具體嘅言語

whether it's spoken or writing,

無論講呀、定係寫

defangs them.

除去佢哋嘅毒害

It begins the sense-making process.

開始有意義嘅建構過程

And the other thing about disclosure,

而披露嘅另一件事

which is a dirty little secret that I'll reveal to all of you

係講個小秘密俾你哋知 一個嗱喳招

that comes out in the research very clearly,

研究清楚顯示

is that when we disclose our vulnerabilities and our weaknesses,

當我哋暴露自己嘅脆弱同缺點

people don't like us less,

啲人唔會

they actually like us more.

而係更鍾意我哋

Because they empathize with us.

因為佢哋同情我哋

They respect our courage.

欣賞我哋嘅勇氣

And the final thing is to actually try to extract a lesson from it,

最後就係 要嘗試從中吸取教訓

to use this regret.

利用呢個遺憾

So what would you say, Lily,

Lily，你覺得

is the lesson that you've learned from this regret?

係唔係你喺後悔學到嘅教訓？

L: I think that ...

L：我覺得......

What would have gone wrong if I ...

會出咩嘢問題 如果我......

DHP: That's interesting.

DHP：好有意思

L: If I were more open about expressing myself,

L：如果我大膽啲去表達自己

like, people might discover I'm a little weird,

啲人可能会覺得我有啲怪

or they might think that maybe I'm nice

或者也可能覺得我好好

and hopefully maybe a little funny.

又或者有啲搞笑咯

So I think, like, maybe that's one thing that jumps to mind.

所以我諗，似乎 就係我一下子諗到嘅

Like, what could have gone wrong?

譬如話會出咩問題呢？

You know.

你會明白

DHP: So what's the lesson that you have applied going forward?

DHP：所以你點樣運用呢個教訓呢？

Taking this regret, OK,

帶著呢份懊悔

so you've sort of treated yourself with kindness rather than contempt.

你唔係輕視 係带着善意去對待自己

You've disclosed it to all these people here.

你已公開話俾呢度所有人知

You've begun the sense-making process by talking about it and writing about it.

透過講同寫後悔嘅嘢 開始有意義嘅建構過程

What's a lesson that you can extract from this?

你從呢個教訓吸收到啲咩嘢？

L: I think that ...

L：我覺得......

I'm not sure.

我唔肯定

DHP: Well, then let me tell you.

DHP：好，咁我話你知

(Laughs)

（哈哈）

I think that the lesson is to ...

我認為教訓係......

Next time, speak up.

下次要講出嚟

就係要講出嚟

Next time, speak up.

Next time when you are at a juncture,

下次喺關鍵時刻

"Should I speak up or not,"

「我應唔應該講出嚟」

think about this.

諗下點做

Think about this and speak up.

然後講出嚟

Do you have any kind of work meetings or anything coming on

你有冇任何類型嘅工作會議或事

where you're going to be confronted with this?

將要面對你嘅懊悔？

L: Yeah, and I think that happens all the time.

L：係啊，經常都有

Like, you know, I have an idea.

就好似，我有一个諗法

Oh, but someone starts talking,

但係有人開始講嘢

and then like, you just sort of fade back into the background,

然後我好似慢慢褪到後面消失咗

and that’s something I want to counteract more often.

呢啲就係我經常諗住對抗嘅嘢

Because, more often than not,

因為好多時

you know that idea is a contribution,

呢個諗法係有貢獻嘅

and why am I hesitating so much?

而我點解猶疑咁多呢？

DHP: Yeah.

DHP：係嘅

So you have a lesson.

你得到個教訓

The lesson is, speak up.

就係要講出嚟

So why don't you --

但係點解你唔去做——

So how about the next meeting you're in,

噉下次你開會嗰時

when you have something to say, don't hesitate and speak up.

當你有嘢想講 唔好猶疑大聲講出嚟

L: Done, I'll do it.

L：攪掂，我會做

DHP: OK, but here's the thing,

DHP：好，不過噉樣

what I like about this is you've just made a promise to 300 people.

我鍾意嘅係你剛剛 向 300 人做咗個承諾

So you're on the hook.

你落咗搭啦﹗

L: I'm on the hook.

L：我已經落咗搭

DHP: So this is it.

DHP：就係噉樣

So, Lily has this regret.

所以，Lily 有呢個懊悔

She's looking backwards, saying, "Oh, if only I'd spoken up,"

佢回顧之後講：「哦 如果我講出嚟就好啦﹗」

and instead of beating herself up, she is divulging it,

佢係度開放自己 而唔係打擊自己

she's extracting a lesson from it,

佢從中吸取咗教訓

and she's taking that and applying it to some next interaction.

就應用喺下次互動生活度

So this is what we do.

就係我哋要做嘅事

This is how, again, looking backward can move you forward.

用回顧嘅方式 再一次幫你向前看

Lily, that's such a fantastic --

Lily，太好啦——

聊天室嘅人話 会跟進 Lily 嘅承諾

People in the chat are saying, "We will hold Lily accountable,"

which I love.

我好鍾意

So Lily, thanks for that.

所以多謝你，Lily

We're going to bring --

我哋将带嚟——

I really, really appreciate your sharing that with us,

我真係好感激 你同我哋分享

and I want you to report back that you did speak up.

我想你話俾我知 會為自己發聲

L: I will, thank you.

L：我會嘅，多謝

DHP: Thanks, Lily.

DHP：多謝，Lily

WPR: Well, we have a question here from Claudia, who asks,

WPR：我哋有個來自 Claudia 嘅問題

"Can you speak to the issue of painful life regrets?

「好唔好講下痛苦人生懊悔帶嚟嘅問題

Major opportunities lost?

會錯失重大機會？

Do you have some advice

你對如何避免害怕或者後悔造成嘅

on how to avoid being paralyzed by fear or further regret?"

停滯不前有冇咩嘢建議？」

DHP: Yeah.

DHP：好嘅

It’s interesting that Claudia said “opportunities lost,”

有趣嘅係 Claudia 話 「錯失機會」

and let me pick up on that phrase right here.

就係呢句話 我想講啲嘢

Because one of the things I saw in my own research,

喺我嘅研究度發現

because I also did a huge survey of the American population

因為我喺美國人度 做咗個大型調查

where we surveyed

喺調查入便

a representative sample of 4,489 Americans

有 4,489 名美國人嘅代表性樣本

about regret and how it worked.

關於後悔係咩嘢嘅一回事

But one of the things you see widespread

但其中一樣嘢係好普及

is that there are, in the architecture of regret,

就係形成咗後悔

there are often two kinds of regrets.

往往有兩種類型

One are regrets of action and one are regrets of inaction.

做咗同冇做嘅後悔

Regrets about what we did.

我哋後悔做咗

Regrets about what we didn't do.

又後悔冇做到

And overwhelmingly, inaction regrets predominate.

絕對係冇做嘅遺憾占主導

And that's what an opportunity lost is.

呢個就係錯失咗機會嘅原因

With action regrets,

就喺對行動嘅懊悔

we can try to undo them.

我哋嘗試除去佢哋

We can make amends.

我哋可以修正

We can look for the silver lining, and we can reduce the sting.

我哋可以減少刺痛 揾一線嘅希望

For inaction regrets, it is harder.

對於懊悔冇做 就比較難

And so the key here on the opportunities lost

所以機會錯失嘅關鍵

is to think about,

就係去諗下

you know, really like, what are you going to do?

真係好喜歡 你要做啲乜嘢？

You sort of reduce the level of abstraction and say,

你要降低抽象嘅思維然後講

"What are you going to do next time?"

「下次你打算點做？」

Not an abstraction of like, "Oh, I'm going to be more bold."

唔係好抽象噉講 「哦，我要大膽啲。」

就好似 下次要做咩嘢？

It's like, what are you going to do next time?

This is what we were talking about with Lily.

我同 Lily 講嘅

What are you going to do next time?

下次你打算做咩嘢？

All regrets begin at the juncture.

所有後悔生於嗰時

You can go this way or you can go that way.

係走呢條路 定另一條路

And so for Claudia, I would say, the next time you're at this juncture,

所以對於 Claudia 我會說下次喺呢個時刻

take the opportunity, play it safe.

你要抓緊機會 小心行事

Stop,

停一下

think about your regret,

諗下你嘅遺憾

and make the decision there.

並喺嗰度做出決定

Or another thing that you could do.

或者可做另一件事

I'll give you another, sort of, decision-making heuristic.

我會俾個啟發做決策嘅方法過你

Two of them, in fact.

其實係兩個

When you're at that juncture, Claudia, next time,

Claudia，當你下次係嗰個時刻

go forward five years.

就向五年後諗

This is called self-distancing.

呢個被稱為自我疏離

Be Claudia five years from now, look back on Claudia today.

Claudia 喺五年後 睇返今日嘅自己

What decision do you want?

你會做咩決定？

What decision does Claudia of 2027 want Claudia of 2022 to make?

喺 2027 年嘅 Claudia 想 2022 嘅你做咩決定？

It's very clear.

噉就會好清晰

Or the best decision-making heuristic there is:

或者講，最佳嘅啟發性決策就係：

You're at a juncture, what would you tell your best friend to do?

喺關鍵時刻 叫你最好嘅朋友做咩嘢？

When you ask people that when they're trying to make a decision,

當喺人哋做決定嘅時候你去問：

say, “What would you tell your best friend to do?”

「你會叫最好嘅朋友做咩嘢？」

Everybody always knows.

每個人都會知

So, I think that's it.

就係噉樣喇

Remember, the main thing, though, is don't let it bog you down.

記住，唔好俾懊悔令你失望

Use it as a tool for thinking -- not as a tool for wallowing,

係透過佢思考—— 唔係沉迷

not as a tool for ignoring -- but as a tool for thinking.

唔係忽略—— 係思考

WPR: A question from Kim, she's asking --

WPR：有個來自 Kim 嘅問題

She says you're talking as if any bad decision or mistake is also a regret,

佢講唔好嘅決定 或錯誤都會產生後悔

and I'm not sure that that's always the case.

而佢唔確定情況成日係噉

Can you share your definition of regret?

可否分享後悔嘅定義？

Especially after doing this project.

特別係喺你做完研究後。」

What is your definition?

你嘅定義係咩嘢？

DHP: There's a difference between a regret and a mistake, alright?

DHP：後悔同錯誤之間係有區別嘅

So you can make a mistake and not regret it

你會犯錯不過唔會後悔

because you say, you immediately learn something from it

因為你會馬上從中學到一啲嘢

or it was a worthy mistake.

或係個有價值嘅錯誤

A regret is something where you look backward at something

後悔係當你回顧一啲嘢嘅時候

that where you had control, where you had some agency ...

你本來可以控制 根據自己嘅意志行事......

Where you had some agency, you did something that, well,

如果你噉做 本嚟就可以做到啲嘢

you did something wrong, and it sticks with you.

但你做錯咗 後悔就會如影隨形

It doesn't go away.

揮之不去

And it sticks with you for a very long time.

錯誤會纏繞你一段時間

So there's a big difference, for instance, between ...

所以喺兩者之間差別好大

I can make a mistake and actually not regret it

例如我犯錯 但唔會後悔

because it's not significant enough to me to linger, right?

因為佢唔夠重要 至令我忘記佢咯﹗

So that's the difference between a regret and a mistake.

就係後悔同錯誤間嘅區別喇

It's basically the duration,

基本上係持續幾耐

essentially, the half-life of the negative emotion.

實質上，喺負面情緒嘅半衰期

There's a huge difference between regret and disappointment.

後悔同失望之間 有好大不同

Huge difference between regret and disappointment.

係有巨大嘅不同

Because with disappointment, you don't have any kind of control.

因為由於失望 你無任何控制權

The great example of that is from Janet Landman,

Michigan 嘅大學教授 Janet Landman

a former professor at the University of Michigan who, to me, is like,

對我來說 就有個好例子，就好似

she tells the story of like, OK, so a kid loses her third tooth.

佢講述咗個故事 有個七歲嘅細路

A seven-year-old loses her third tooth.

細路甩咗第三隻牙

She loses her tooth, she goes to sleep,

佢甩咗隻牙 佢去瞓觉

before she goes to sleep, she puts the tooth under the pillow.

佢瞓覺之前 將隻牙放係枕頭底

When she wakes up,

當佢醒來嘅時候

the tooth is still there.

隻牙仲喺度

The kid is disappointed,

個細路好失望

but the parents regret not leaving that --

父母就後悔沒放（碎紙）——

So you have to have some agency and it has to have a ...

你必須有啲幫助 佢必須係......

It has to have enough significance that it stays with you.

角色有足夠嘅意義 一直陪伴著你

And once again, going back to these four core regrets,

再一次，回顧四種核心後悔

it ends up being the same kinds of ...

最終成為同一種......

it ends up being the same kinds of things.

同一種嘅嘢

If you said, "Oh, I shouldn't have bought that kind of car,"

如果你話：「哦﹗我唔應該買嗰種車。」

it might sting for a little bit, but the half-life is very, very short.

可能會有啲刺痛 但半衰期非常、非常短

But other kinds of things stick with us and stick with us,

但其他嘢就會如影隨形

and those are the things often of significance.

呢啲嘢往往係意義重大

WPR: Thank you so much, Dan, for chatting with us,

WPR：非常多謝你 Dan，同我哋傾計

and I love ending there, "If not now when?"

我鍾意就此完結 唔係等幾時﹗

And we'll see you soon.

我哋下次見

Thank you, Dan.

多謝你，Dan

DHP：好多謝，好高興來到

DHP: Thanks a lot, what a pleasure.

[Get access to thought-provoking events you won't want to miss.]

［你唔會錯過參加 發人深省嘅活動。］

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［睇網頁 ted.com/membership 成為 TED 會員］