4 Kinds of Regret – and What They Teach You about Yourself | Daniel H. Pink | TED

Transcriber:

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Helen Chang

Let's talk about regret.

咱們來談談後悔。

It is, to my mind, our most misunderstood emotion,

我認為它是我們的情緒中， 最被大家誤會的一種，

and so I decided to spend a couple of years studying it.

所以，我決定花幾年的 時間來研究它。

And one of the things that I did is I went back

我做的其中一件事就是， 我回頭去回顧了

and I looked at about 50 years of social science on regret.

大約五十年份與後悔 相關的社會科學。

And here's what it tells you.

讓我為各位省下閱讀半世紀 社會科學的麻煩，整理如下。

I'll save you the trouble of reading a half century of social science.

The research tells us that everybody has regrets,

研究告訴我們，人人都有後悔的事，

regrets make us human.

後悔，表示我們是人。說真的， 不會後悔的人只有五歲小孩、

Truly, the only people without regrets are five-year-olds,

people with brain damage and sociopaths.

大腦受損的人，以及反社會的人。

The rest of us, we have regrets,

其餘的人都有後悔的事，

and if we treat our regrets right, and that's a big if,

「若」我們能正確處理後悔，

but there are ways to do it,

這是個很大的假設， 但有辦法能做到，

regrets can actually make us better.

那麼，後悔就能讓我們變更好。

They can improve our decision-making skills,

後悔能改善我們的決策技巧、

improve our negotiation skills,

改善我們的談判技巧、

make us better strategists, make us better problem solvers,

讓我們成為更好的策略家、 更好的問題解決專家、

enhance our sense of meaning

強化我們的意義感， 前提是能正確處理後悔。

if we treat them right.

And the good news is that there's a systematic way to do that.

好消息是，有一種系統性的 方式可以做到這一點。

But I want to take just a few minutes to tell you about another aspect of regret

但我想花幾分鐘時間， 談談後悔的另一個面向，

that I think is really, really just super interesting.

我認為這個面向超級有趣。

As part of the research here,

我決定在這項研究中 詢問大家後悔什麼事，

I decided to ask people for their regrets,

and to my surprise,

出乎我意料，

I ended up collecting about 16,000 regrets

我最後收集到了 一萬六千件後悔的事，

from people in 105 countries.

來自一百零五國的人。

It’s an extraordinary trove.

這是很不凡的收集。

And what I realized when I went through this incredible database

研究這個關於人類渴望與熱望的

超棒資料庫時，我了解到，

of human longing and aspiration

is that around the world,

在全世界，

and there's very little national difference here,

各國在這方面並沒有太大的差異，

people kept expressing the same four regrets.

大家後悔的事都屬於同樣四類。

Around the world, there are the same four regrets

全世界，都是同樣四種後悔的事，

that keep coming up over and over and over again.

一而再再而三地出現。

So what I want to do is just quickly tell you

所以，我想要快速告訴大家， 這四個核心類別是什麼，

about these four core regrets,

because I think they reveal something incredibly important and interesting.

因為我認為它們能揭露出 相當重要且有趣的資訊。

So the four core regrets that I'm going to cover.

來談談後悔的四個核心類別。

Number one, what I call foundation regrets.

第一，我稱之為基礎後悔。

Foundation regrets.

基礎後悔。屬於這類的後悔包括：

These are people who regret things like this:

not saving enough money,

沒有存夠錢，

這就是類似財務後悔；

which would be like, you know, financial regret,

not taking care of their health and not eating right, health regret.

沒有好好照顧自己的健康， 沒有吃好，健康後悔。

But they're the same.

但它們是一樣的。

Those kinds of regrets are about making choices

這些後悔都會涉及以前自己做的選擇

that didn't allow you to have some stability,

讓自己無法有某種穩定度，

a stable platform for their life.

沒有一個穩定的生活平台。

I have a lot of people who regret not working hard enough in school.

有一大堆人後悔在學校時 沒有好好用功。

A lot of people who regret --

很多人後悔——

I got a lot of regrets about not saving money.

很多人後悔沒有存錢。

這讓我想到一個伊索寓言，

And it reminds me a little bit of Aesop’s fable

of the ant and the grasshopper,

是關於螞蟻和蚱蜢的故事，

where earlier in their life they acted like a grasshopper instead of the ant,

一開始，牠們都學習 蚱蜢的行為而不是螞蟻，

and now it's catching up with them.

後來就自食其果。

所以，基礎後悔聽起來是這樣的：

So foundation regrets sound like this:

"If only" --

「真希望當初」—— 這是後悔的招牌用語，

And that's the catch phrase of regret, "if only" --

"If only I'd done the work."

「真希望當初我有做。」

Second category.

第二類。

I love this category, it's fascinating.

我很愛這一類，很棒。

Boldness regrets.

膽量後悔。

I have hundreds of regrets around the world that go like this:

我收集到全世界的後悔當中有數百件

都像這樣：

“X years ago, there was a man/woman whom I really liked.

「N 年前，有個 我真的很喜歡的人。

I wanted to ask him/her out on a date,

我想約他／她出去，

but I was too scared to do it

但我太害怕了所以沒做，

and I've regretted it ever since."

我從此都很後悔。」

I also have hundreds of regrets by people who said:

還有幾百件後悔是這樣說的：「啊，

"Oh, I always wanted to start a business,

我一直都想要創業， 但我一直沒有膽子去做。」

but I never had the guts to do that."

People who said: “Oh, I wish I’d spoken up more.

也有人說：「啊，我希望 當時我有多把話說出來。

I wish I'd said something and asserted myself."

我希望我講出我主張的意見。」

These are, as I said before, what I call boldness regrets.

這些是我先前所謂的膽量後悔。

And we get to a juncture in our life and we have a choice.

我們走到人生的十字路口， 必須要做出選擇。

We can play it safe or we can take the chance.

我們可以打安全牌，

或者可以冒險一試。

And what I found is overwhelmingly

我發現，絕大多數人

people regret not taking the chance.

後悔的都是沒有冒險一試。

Even people who took the chance and it didn't work out

就算是選擇冒險一試 而沒有成功的人，

don't really have many regrets about that.

對那件事也沒有什麼後悔。

後悔的是沒有選擇冒險的人。 這就是膽量後悔。

It's the people who didn't take the chance.

So this is boldness regrets.

Boldness regrets sound like this:

膽量後悔聽起來是這樣的：

「真希望當初我肯冒險。」

"If only I'd taken the chance."

Third category.

第三類。

Moral regrets.

道德後悔。

Very interesting, very interesting category.

非常非常有趣的類別。

These are people who, again,

這些人會說，同樣的，

a lot of these regrets begin at a juncture.

這類後悔多半始於決擇的十字路口。

You're at a juncture,

到了十字路口， 你可以去做對的事，

you can do the right thing or you can do the wrong thing.

也可以去做錯的事。

People do the wrong thing,

人會去做錯的事，他們就會後悔。

and they regret it.

有一件後悔的事，讓我難以忘懷，

I mean, one of the ones that really stuck with me,

I'm going to try to pull it up here,

讓我把它找出來，

is this one here, this woman.

在這裡，來自一名女子。

She's a 71-year-old woman in New Jersey.

她是七十一歲的女性， 住在新澤西州。

"When I was a kid,

「我小時候，我媽媽會叫我 去當地的小店買幾樣東西。

my mother would send me to a small local store for a few items.

I frequently would steal a candy bar when the grocer wasn't looking.

我常常會趁老闆不注意時 偷一條巧克力糖。

That's bothered me for about 60 years."

那讓我煩心了六十年。」

So 71-year-old woman in New Jersey,

所以，住在新澤西州的 七十一歲女子，

for 60 years, she's been bugged by this moral breach.

因為這件違反道德的事 而煩擾了六十年。

So moral regrets.

所以，道德後悔。

We have people regretting bullying,

有人後悔的是霸凌， 有人後悔婚後偷吃，

we have people regretting marital infidelity.

All kinds of things.

各式各樣。

Moral regrets sound like this,

道德後悔聽起來是這樣的： 「真希望當初我去做對的事。」

“If only I’d done the right thing.”

And finally, our fourth category, or what I call connection regrets.

最後，第四類，我稱為連結後悔。

Connection regrets are like this:

連結後悔是像這樣的：

You have a relationship or ought to have a relationship.

你有／應該有一段關係，

And it doesn't matter what the relationship is.

哪種關係都無所謂，

Kids, parents, siblings, cousins, friends, colleagues,

可以是孩子、父母、手足、

表親、朋友、同事，

but you have a relationship or ought to have had a relationship,

重點是你有／應該有一段關係，

而這段關係崩壞了。

and the relationship comes apart.

And what's interesting is that what these 16,000 people were telling me

有趣的是，

這一萬六千人告訴我， 這些關係崩壞的方式

is that the way these relationships come apart

is often not very dramatic,

通常不是很戲劇化， 一點也不戲劇化。

not very dramatic at all.

They often come apart by drifting apart

崩壞的方式通常是漸行漸遠，

rather than through some kind of explosive rift.

而不是因為某種爆炸性的鬧翻。

And what happens is that people don't want to reach out

通常大家並不想主動聯絡， 因為，他們會說，

because they say it’s going to be awkward to reach out,

主動聯絡會很尷尬，

and the other side is not going to care.

且對方不會在乎。

我從我自己的書所學到的其中一課，

One of the lessons that I learned from this book for myself

is always reach out.

就是一定要主動聯絡。

So that's what connection regrets are.

這就是連結後悔。「真希望 當初我有主動聯絡。」

"If only I'd reached out."

And so over and over and over again, we see these same regrets:

所以，我們會一而再再而三地 看到同樣的後悔：

Foundation regrets: “If only I’d done the work.”

基礎後悔：「真希望當初我有做。」

Boldness regrets: “If only I’d taken the chance.”

膽量後悔：「真希望 當初我肯冒險。」

Moral regrets: “If only I’d done the right thing.”

道德後悔：「真希望 當初我去做對的事。」

And connection regrets: “If only I’d reached out.”

連結後悔：「真希望 當初我有主動聯絡。」

And when we look at these regrets, so that's interesting in itself,

去研究這些後悔本身就很有趣，

but what I realized is that these four core regrets

但我發現，後悔的這四個核心類別

operate as a kind of photographic negative of the good life.

作用就如同是美好人生的 攝影底片（負像）。

Because if we understand what people regret the most,

因為，如果我們了解 大家最後悔的是什麼，

we actually can understand what they value the most.

我們其實就能了解 他們最珍視的是什麼。

And each of these regrets, to my mind,

且，對我而言，每一件後悔的事，

reveals something fundamental about humanity and about what we need.

傳達出的是人性的本質 以及我們的需求。

We need stability.

我們需要穩定性。

Nobody wants to have an unstable life.

沒有人想要不穩定的人生。

We want a chance to learn and grow and do something.

我們希望有機會學習、 成長，做點什麼。

We recognize that we are not here forever,

我們知道我們不會永生，

and we want to do something and try something.

我們想要做點什麼、 嘗試點什麼，至少，

And at least feel the exhilaration of being bold.

能感受到放膽去做的愉悅感。

Moral regrets, I think most of us,

道德後悔，我想，大部分人，

almost all of us want to do the right thing.

幾乎所有人，都想去做對的事。

At some level, these moral regrets are very heartening.

某種程度上，這些 道德後悔很讓人振奮。

The idea that people are bugged for years, decades,

大家會煩心數年、數十年的原因

by these moral breaches earlier in their life.

是因為過去曾經違背過道德。

I think most of us want to do the right thing.

我想，大部分人都想去做對的事。

And then connection regrets.

再來，連結後悔。

We want love, not love only in the romantic sense,

我們想要愛，不只是指戀愛的愛，

but love in the broader sense of connection and relationship

而是更廣義的愛，

和其他人的連結、關係，及親近。

and affinity with other people.

And so in a weird way,

所以，透過一種很奇怪的方式，

this negative emotion of regret points the way to a good life.

後悔這種負面情緒

能為美好的人生指路。

By studying regret, we know what constitutes a good life,

研究後悔，能讓我們知道 美好的人生由什麼構成，

a life of stability,

穩定的人生、

a life where you have a chance to take a few risks,

有機會能冒幾次險的人生、

a life where you’re doing the right thing

能夠做對的事的人生，

and a life where you have people who love you and whom you love.

有愛你的人，且有你愛的人的人生。

And so to me, I started out saying,

所以，對我來說，

我一開始說：「喔，天， 這本書會很讓人掃興，

“Oh, boy, is this book going to be a downer, studying regret?”

研究後悔？」結果卻很讓人振奮。

And it ended up being very uplifting.

And so, those are the four core regrets.

所以，以上是後悔的四個核心類別。

Regret points us to the good life.

後悔能為美好的人生指路。

And so I hope that you'll begin to reckon with your own regrets

我希望各位會開始思考自己的後悔，

because I think they're going to give you direction to a life well lived.

因為我認為它們能給你方向， 知道要如何好好過人生。

Whitney Pennigton Rogers: Well, thank you for that, Dan

惠妮‧潘尼頓‧羅傑斯：謝謝你， 丹。我在你看不見的幕後鼓掌，

I was clapping behind the scenes when you couldn't actually see me,

但，我知道也有其他人很欣賞 你的分享，我也是代替他們鼓掌。

for everyone who I know also really appreciated what you shared there.

First, Dan, you mentioned, you know, this big takeaway

首先，丹，你提到，

要給大家的重要訊息是關於

about how thinking about regret

思考後悔如何能協助我們想通

can help us figure out what is the recipe for the good life.

美好人生的處方是什麼。

I guess what has been your biggest takeaway from doing this work beyond that?

除此之外，從這項研究， 你還有什麼重要發現？

DHP: I found it really interesting how much people want to talk about this,

丹：我覺得很有趣的是， 大家很想談後悔，

and that's what got me on it in the first place.

這也是我最初投入的原因。

就是，我自己有一段人生經歷，

That is, I had an experience in my life

where one of my kids graduated from college,

我的其中一個孩子從大學畢業，

and that sort of marker in my life made me start thinking

人生中這種里程碑讓我開始

思考我有什麼後悔的事。

about what regrets that I had.

And I just mentioned it to a few people,

我和幾個人提起，我發現 他們被這談話深深吸引。

and I found them, like, leaning in to the conversation.

So I was amazed at how much people want to talk about this

我很驚訝，原來大家 如此想談這個話題，

and how much this taboo of like,

且「喔，我不後悔任何事」這種禁忌

“Oh, I don’t have any regrets,” is so ridiculous.

好可笑，好荒謬。

I mean, it's absurd.

And that if we actually start talking about it,

如果我們能開始談後悔， 對我們會比較好。

we're going to be better off.

For me personally, I think that the biggest takeaway was the ...

對我個人來說，最重要的……

最重要的重點是……

Was the connection regrets.

是連結後悔。

Because I had so many people who had the same story

因為有好多人

都有相似的故事， 故事中有一段友誼，

where they had a friendship,

some kind of relationship,

某種關係，

and it comes apart,

而這段關係崩壞了， 他們想要主動聯絡，

and they want to reach out and they say,

"Oh no, it's going to be really awkward.

而他們會說：「喔， 不，一定會很尷尬。

And the other side's not going to care."

且對方一定不會在乎。」

And we're so wrong about that.

對此，我們是大錯特錯。

It's not awkward, and the other side almost always appreciates it.

並不會尷尬，反而是對方 幾乎都一定會很感念。

And so for me,

所以，對我來說，

I guess the takeaway is if I'm at a juncture in my life

我想，重點在於，當我 來到人生的十字路口，

where I'm thinking,

且我在想：

“Should I reach out or should I not reach out?”

「我應該要主動聯絡或者不要？」

I've answered the question.

我已經回答了那個問題。

That the answer to that question at that juncture,

到了十字路口，這個問題的答案， 如果你到了那個十字路口，

if you reach that juncture,

the answer is, always reach out.

答案永遠都是，主動去聯絡。

You know, especially coming out a time like this, Whitney,

特別是在這樣的時代，惠妮，

we need that sense of of connection.

我們需要那種連結感。

And so the ethic of always reaching out, to me, is one of the best life lessons

「永遠都要主動聯絡」 這個道德標準對我來說，

是我所學到最棒的人生教訓之一。

that I've learned.

WPR: Well, we're going to do something a little interesting next, Dan,

惠：丹，接下來 我們要來做點有趣的，

我們要請一些會員來分享 他們自己後悔的事。

which is have some Members share their own regrets.

And so I want to, I guess,

所以，我想，

hand things over to you right now so that you can bring in our first Member

現在就交給你，讓你 請第一位會員來分享，

and we can explore more

我們就能進一步探討這個過程，

what this process of thinking about making our regrets

思考我們後悔的事，

help us live the good life actually looks like.

如何能協助我們過真正美好的生活。

DHP: Sure, sure.

丹：好的，好的。

And so let's bring on Lily.

那麼，我們就請莉莉來分享。

I don't want it to sound like a magic act, but Lily and I don't know each other.

我不希望這聽起來像魔術表演， 但我和莉莉不認識彼此，

We haven't gone through this before,

我們沒有演練過，

but what I want to try to do is actually,

但，我想試著去做的是，

the hearing of the stories of people's regrets

聽聽大家後悔的故事， 我認為超有趣且發人深省。

I think is super interesting and revealing.

We’re going to hear Lily’s regret,

我們要來聽聽莉莉後悔的事，

and we're going to talk through what science says

接著我們會談談科學怎麼說，

might be some appropriate responses to that.

可能可以對她的後悔 提供一些適當的回應，所以，

So, Lily, welcome.

莉莉，歡迎，

Lily: Thank you, hi everyone.

莉：謝謝，大家好。

DHP: And tell us where you are.

丹：告訴我們你在哪裡。

L: I'm currently in Brooklyn, New York.

莉：我現在在紐約布魯克林。

DHP: Brooklyn is in the house here at TED Membership.

丹：TED 會員活動， 由布魯克林首先登場。

So Lily, tell us you regret.

莉莉，說說你後悔什麼。

L: Yeah. So my regret that I want to share

莉：好的。

我有一件後悔的事想分享，就是

is that for most of my young adult life

我年輕時期絕大部分的人生，

from kindergarten, really, straight through high school

其實是從幼稚園，一路到高中，

is that I was painfully, painfully shy

我一直都害羞到讓我很痛苦的程度，

with really low self-confidence.

很沒有自信。

As I was thinking about this, I was remembering,

想到這一點時，我就會記起，

and there were times where I just wanted to close my eyes

有些時候我只想要 閉上眼睛，變成隱形人。

and be invisible.

And I think that, you know, my ...

我想，你知道，我的……

Like, I didn't really come into my own until I got to college,

我一直都無所成，直到我上了大學，

where I found a really great group of friends,

在大學，我交了一群很棒的朋友，

really, like, I was confident in expressing myself

我有信心可以表達自己，

and, you know, just being myself.

你知道的，就是做自己。

And I think that, you know,

我想，

my regret is that I just really wish I had taken a little bit more effort

我後悔的事是，我真的 很希望我當初有多努力一點，

to build my confidence to fight this a little bit more,

建立我的信心，更頑強一點去對抗，

because I worry about what opportunities I might have missed.

因為我擔心我當時 可能錯失了一些機會。

So ever since then, I feel like I try to counteract it now.

所以，從那之後，我就覺得

我一直在試著對抵抗它。

And if ever I meet someone who might be going through,

如果我遇到某個人可能正在經歷，

especially if they're younger, like going through the same thing I did,

特別是比較年輕的人， 正在經歷我走過的路，

I try to make them feel seen

我會試著讓他們覺得被看見，

and try to empathize with how they're feeling.

試著把焦點放在他們的感受上。

So that's kind of a takeaway, I guess, from that regret.

我想，那就是我的後悔 帶來的重點訊息。

DHP: But I mean, it sounds like ...

丹：但，聽起來…… 你現在還在後悔這件事嗎？

So is this a regret that's still with you?

L: I think ...

莉：我想……

DHP: It sounds to me like you might have sort of begun the process

丹：我聽起來覺得你好像 稍微開始了化解後悔的過程。

of resolving it a little bit.

L: Absolutely.

莉：沒錯。但我覺得，

But I think that, you know, even just, you know, prepping for this,

即使只是為這次分享做準備， 我也會開始思考……

I start to think about like, you know,

there could have been more things that I could have done

有些事情是我本來可以去做的，

if I had just put myself a little bit out there,

如果我能再多挺身而出一點點，

if I didn't, just try to hide so much.

如果我沒有那麼常試著躲避。

DHP: OK, alright.

丹：好。很棒的分享， 莉莉，而我得要說，

This is fascinating, Lily,

and I have to say, I have this database of regrets.

我有個後悔資料庫，

And you can search the database.

你可以搜尋裡面的資料。

And if I were to search the database

如果我在資料庫中搜尋

for the phrase "speak up," "spoke up," "spoken up,"

用的關鍵詞是「說出來」 或其他類似的詞，

I would get huge, huge numbers of of people.

我會找到非常多的人。

It is one of the most common regrets,

這是大家最常後悔的事情之一， 後悔當初沒有把話說出來。

is that people regret not speaking up.

The important thing about our regrets that comes from the science is this:

根據科學，關於後悔，重要的是：

it's how we deal with them.

是我們如何處理它。

So we can take that regret and say,

我們可以接下那份後悔，並說：

"You know what?

「你知道嗎？我不在乎 我感覺很糟且感到後悔，

It doesn’t matter that I feel terrible and I have this regret,

because I'm just going to ignore it," right?

因為我打算忽視它。」

That's like the blithe "no regrets" philosophy.

對吧？就像是快活的 「無後悔」哲學。

這點子很爛，好嗎？

That's a bad idea, alright?

The other way at it is to say,

另一種處理方式是說： 「喔，我的天，

"Oh my God, I have all these regrets,

我後悔好多事，真糟， 我要整個人陷進去。」

it's so terrible, I'm going to wallow in them."

That's a bad idea too.

這點子也很爛。

我們希望的做法，且我想 你已經把它做得很好了，

What we want to do,

and I think that you've already done a really brilliant job of it

是把這些後悔當作訊號。

is use these regrets as signals.

Signals for our thinking; what is it teaching me?

供思考用的訊號： 它給了我什麼教訓？

And so there are a few things in the research

研究中有幾個重點 可以讓我們知道該怎麼做。

that give us some clues about what to do.

So one of them is this.

其中之一如下。

So we start with sort of, reframing the regret

我們可以從賦予後悔 不同的意義來著手，

and how we think about it in ourselves.

改變我們自己本身對後悔的看法。

So do you think that you are the only person with this kind of regret?

你認為你是唯一 會後悔這種事的人嗎？

L: I don't know.

莉：我不知道。

DHP: Not at all.

丹：完全不是！我正在看聊天室。

I’m watching the chat, man.

Somebody said, “Lily, you’re telling my story.”

有人說：「莉莉，你說的 根本就是我的故事。」

So one of the things that we can do with our regret

所以，要處理我們的後悔， 其中的一種做法

is treat ourselves with self-compassion, alright?

就是要對自己有同情心。

Not boost our self-esteem,

不是提升我們的自尊， 那樣有時會很危險。

that's sometimes dangerous.

Not rip ourselves down with self-criticism,

不是用自我批評來狠狠責備自己，

but actually say,

而是要真的，比如，

treat ourselves with kindness rather than contempt

對待自己時，要抱著仁慈而非輕視，

and recognize that what we're going through

並且要知道，我們的經歷 是很多人都會走過的路。

is part of the shared human experience.

That's one thing.

那是第一點。我們能採用的 第二個做法是透露我們的後悔。

The second thing that we can do is we can disclose our regret.

And there are few things that are interesting about disclosure.

關於透露，有幾點還挺有趣的。

There's something amazing why 16,000 people

很不可思議，為什麼會有一萬六千人

were willing to share their regrets with me.

會願意和我分享他們後悔的事？

I mean, like, what's going on there, right?

這是怎麼一回事啊？

And the reason is that when we disclose our regrets,

原因是，當我們透露我們後悔的事，

we relieve some of the burden.

就能放下一些重擔。那是其中一點。

That's one thing.

The second thing that we do

我們會做的第二件事是， 當我們真的去談論後悔的事，

is that when we actually talk about our regrets,

converting these kind of blobby mental abstractions into concrete words,

將亂七八糟的心智抽象概念轉變

成為實在的言語描述，

whether it's spoken or writing,

不論是用說的或用寫的，

defangs them.

就能減少它們的傷害， 啟動賦予意義的流程。

It begins the sense-making process.

And the other thing about disclosure,

關於「透露」，還有另一點，

which is a dirty little secret that I'll reveal to all of you

是個不可告人的小秘密， 不過我會告訴大家，

that comes out in the research very clearly,

研究非常清楚顯示，

is that when we disclose our vulnerabilities and our weaknesses,

當我們透露出我們的脆弱和弱點時，

people don't like us less,

別人不會因此不喜歡我們， 反而更喜歡我們。

they actually like us more.

Because they empathize with us.

因為他們能同理我們， 他們尊敬我們的勇氣。

They respect our courage.

And the final thing is to actually try to extract a lesson from it,

最後一點，要真正 從後悔當中記取教訓，

to use this regret.

善用後悔。

So what would you say, Lily,

所以，莉莉，你剛才說的就是 從這件後悔的事記取的教訓嗎？

is the lesson that you've learned from this regret?

L: I think that ...

莉：我想……

What would have gone wrong if I ...

那時可能會出什麼亂子，如果我……

DHP: That's interesting.

丹：這很有趣。

L: If I were more open about expressing myself,

莉：如果我當時

更開放表達我自己，可能，

like, people might discover I'm a little weird,

大家可能會發現我有點怪異， 或也許他們會覺得我人很好，

or they might think that maybe I'm nice

and hopefully maybe a little funny.

希望，也覺得我蠻有趣的。

So I think, like, maybe that's one thing that jumps to mind.

所以，這就是我腦中冒出來的想法。

Like, what could have gone wrong?

那時可能出什麼亂子？

You know.

你知道的。

DHP: So what's the lesson that you have applied going forward?

丹：你向前邁進時應用了什麼教訓？

Taking this regret, OK,

以這件後悔的事為例，

so you've sort of treated yourself with kindness rather than contempt.

所以你對待自己時， 抱持的是仁慈而非輕視。

You've disclosed it to all these people here.

你向這裡的所有人透露了這件事。

You've begun the sense-making process by talking about it and writing about it.

你開始談它、寫它， 展開了賦予它意義的流程。

What's a lesson that you can extract from this?

你從中能記取的教訓是什麼？

L: I think that ...

莉：我想……

I'm not sure.

我不確定。

DHP: Well, then let me tell you.

丹：那，讓我來告訴你。

(Laughs)

（笑）

I think that the lesson is to ...

我想，這個教訓就是……

Next time, speak up.

下次，要說出來。

Next time, speak up.

下次，要說出來。

Next time when you are at a juncture,

下次，當你走到十字路口，

"Should I speak up or not,"

「我該不該說出來？」

think about this.

想想這個教訓。

Think about this and speak up.

想想它，然後把話說出來。

Do you have any kind of work meetings or anything coming on

你接下來有沒有什麼工作會議 或任何會要面對這種狀況的事？

where you're going to be confronted with this?

L: Yeah, and I think that happens all the time.

莉：有，我想常常會有，比如，

Like, you know, I have an idea.

我有個點子，

Oh, but someone starts talking,

喔，但有人開始發言了，接著你就

and then like, you just sort of fade back into the background,

漸漸退縮，淡化到背景中，

and that’s something I want to counteract more often.

我希望我能更常去 對抗這個狀況，因為，

Because, more often than not,

大多數的時候，

you know that idea is a contribution,

你知道那個點子會有貢獻， 那我幹嘛這麼猶豫？

and why am I hesitating so much?

DHP: Yeah.

丹：是啊。

So you have a lesson.

所以，你學到了教訓， 也就是，要把話說出來。

The lesson is, speak up.

So why don't you --

你為什麼不——

So how about the next meeting you're in,

這樣如何，下次你參與會議時，

when you have something to say, don't hesitate and speak up.

當你有話要說時，

別猶豫，說出來？

L: Done, I'll do it.

莉：沒問題。

DHP: OK, but here's the thing,

丹：好，但重點是， 你剛對三百人做了保證。

what I like about this is you've just made a promise to 300 people.

So you're on the hook.

所以你逃不掉了。 莉：我逃不掉了。

L: I'm on the hook.

DHP: So this is it.

丹：那，就這樣。

So, Lily has this regret.

所以，莉莉後悔這件事，

She's looking backwards, saying, "Oh, if only I'd spoken up,"

她回頭看，說：「噢， 真希望當初我把話說出來。」

and instead of beating herself up, she is divulging it,

她沒有狠狠責備自己， 而是把這秘密講出來，

she's extracting a lesson from it,

她從中記取教訓，

and she's taking that and applying it to some next interaction.

並把教訓用到下一次的互動上， 而這就是我們要做的。

So this is what we do.

This is how, again, looking backward can move you forward.

這就是把回首往事 轉為展望未來的方式。

Lily, that's such a fantastic --

莉莉，這是很棒的——

People in the chat are saying, "We will hold Lily accountable,"

聊天室有人在說「我們會追究 莉莉有沒有做到」，我喜歡。

which I love.

莉莉，謝謝你的分享。

So Lily, thanks for that.

We're going to bring --

我們要來——

I really, really appreciate your sharing that with us,

我真的很感謝你跟我們分享這些，

and I want you to report back that you did speak up.

等你真的把話說出來時， 記得跟我們回報。

L: I will, thank you.

莉：我會的，謝謝。

DHP: Thanks, Lily.

丹：謝謝，莉莉。

WPR: Well, we have a question here from Claudia, who asks,

惠：我們這裡有一個來自 克勞蒂亞的問題，她問：

"Can you speak to the issue of painful life regrets?

「你能不能談一下 痛苦的人生悔恨這個議題？

Major opportunities lost?

錯失重大的機會？

Do you have some advice

你能否建議怎麼避免因恐懼 或害怕會更後悔而不敢行動？」

on how to avoid being paralyzed by fear or further regret?"

DHP: Yeah.

丹：好的。

It’s interesting that Claudia said “opportunities lost,”

克勞蒂亞說「錯失機會」， 這點很有意思，

and let me pick up on that phrase right here.

讓我來多談談這個詞。

Because one of the things I saw in my own research,

因為，我在我自己的研究中發現，

because I also did a huge survey of the American population

我也針對美國人口 做了一項很龐大的調查，

where we surveyed

我們調查了

a representative sample of 4,489 Americans

一個有代表性的樣本， 共四千四百八十九位美國人，

about regret and how it worked.

來研究後悔和它如何運作。

But one of the things you see widespread

但可以發現一個普遍現象，

is that there are, in the architecture of regret,

就是，在後悔的結構當中，

there are often two kinds of regrets.

通常有兩種後悔。

One are regrets of action and one are regrets of inaction.

一種是對行動感到後悔， 一種是對無為感到後悔。

Regrets about what we did.

後悔我們做了什麼。 後悔我們沒做什麼。

Regrets about what we didn't do.

And overwhelmingly, inaction regrets predominate.

而對無為的後悔佔有壓倒性的比重。

And that's what an opportunity lost is.

那就是錯失機會。

With action regrets,

如果是對行動感到後悔，

we can try to undo them.

我們還可以設法還原它。

We can make amends.

我們可以做補償。

We can look for the silver lining, and we can reduce the sting.

我們可以尋找慰藉， 我們可以降低傷害。

若是對無為感到後悔，就比較困難。

For inaction regrets, it is harder.

And so the key here on the opportunities lost

所以，就錯失機會來說，關鍵在於

is to think about,

要去思考

you know, really like, what are you going to do?

你打算怎麼做？

You sort of reduce the level of abstraction and say,

你要把抽象的程度降低，說：

"What are you going to do next time?"

「你下次打算怎麼做？」

Not an abstraction of like, "Oh, I'm going to be more bold."

不能很抽象，比如： 「喔，我要大膽一點。」

It's like, what are you going to do next time?

而是，你下一次打算怎麼做？

This is what we were talking about with Lily.

這就是剛才和莉莉談的。

你下一次打算怎麼做？

What are you going to do next time?

所有的後悔都始於十字路口。

All regrets begin at the juncture.

You can go this way or you can go that way.

你可以走這條路或那條路。 所以，對克勞蒂亞，我會說，

And so for Claudia, I would say, the next time you're at this juncture,

下次你遇到這樣的十字路口，

take the opportunity, play it safe.

接受機會，做安全的選擇。

Stop,

停下來，

think about your regret,

想想你後悔的事，

and make the decision there.

然後做決定。或者，還有一種做法。

Or another thing that you could do.

I'll give you another, sort of, decision-making heuristic.

讓我提供你一種決策的 捷思法，其實有兩種。

Two of them, in fact.

When you're at that juncture, Claudia, next time,

克勞蒂亞，下次你遇到十字路口時，

go forward five years.

想想五年之後。

This is called self-distancing.

這叫做自我抽離。

Be Claudia five years from now, look back on Claudia today.

成為五年後的克勞蒂亞，

回頭看今天的克勞蒂亞。

What decision do you want?

你想做什麼決定？

What decision does Claudia of 2027 want Claudia of 2022 to make?

2027 年的克勞蒂亞希望

2022 年的克勞蒂亞做什麼決定？

It's very clear.

很清楚。或者，用現有 最好的決策捷思法：

Or the best decision-making heuristic there is:

You're at a juncture, what would you tell your best friend to do?

在十字路口，你會建議 你最好的朋友怎麼做？

When you ask people that when they're trying to make a decision,

當別人在做決策時，如果你問他們，

「你會怎麼建議你最好的 朋友？」大家都知道答案。

say, “What would you tell your best friend to do?”

我想，就是這樣了。

Everybody always knows.

So, I think that's it.

不過，切記，重點是 別讓後悔困住你。

Remember, the main thing, though, is don't let it bog you down.

Use it as a tool for thinking -- not as a tool for wallowing,

把它當作思考工具來使用——

而不是糾纏工具，不是忽視工具——

not as a tool for ignoring -- but as a tool for thinking.

而是思考工具。

WPR: A question from Kim, she's asking --

惠：接著是來自金的問題，她問——

She says you're talking as if any bad decision or mistake is also a regret,

她說，你說得好像任何不好的 決定或錯誤也都是後悔的事，

and I'm not sure that that's always the case.

我不確定是否百分之百是如此。

Can you share your definition of regret?

你能否分享你對後悔的定義， 特別是在做了這個研究計畫之後？

Especially after doing this project.

What is your definition?

你的定義是什麼？

DHP: There's a difference between a regret and a mistake, alright?

丹：後悔的事和犯錯是有差別的。

你可能犯錯了但不後悔，

So you can make a mistake and not regret it

因為你馬上從中學到了什麼，

because you say, you immediately learn something from it

or it was a worthy mistake.

或者它是個值得犯的錯。

A regret is something where you look backward at something

後悔則是，當你回首，

that where you had control, where you had some agency ...

回顧某件你能掌控、 能採取行動的事……

而你……

Where you had some agency, you did something that, well,

你能採取行動，

而你做了……你做錯了。

you did something wrong, and it sticks with you.

而你無法忘懷，在腦中揮之不去。

It doesn't go away.

And it sticks with you for a very long time.

且是很長一段時間都無法忘壞。

So there's a big difference, for instance, between ...

所以差別很大，比如……

I can make a mistake and actually not regret it

我可能犯了錯但我完全不後悔，

because it's not significant enough to me to linger, right?

因為對我不夠重要，很快就忘了。

對吧？所以後悔和犯錯是有差別的。

So that's the difference between a regret and a mistake.

It's basically the duration,

基本上，是負面情緒的持久度， 應該說，是它的半衰期。

essentially, the half-life of the negative emotion.

There's a huge difference between regret and disappointment.

後悔和失望之間有很大的差別。

Huge difference between regret and disappointment.

後悔和失望之間有很大的差別。

Because with disappointment, you don't have any kind of control.

因為，就失望來說，你沒有控制權。

The great example of that is from Janet Landman,

珍妮特‧蘭德曼有一個很好的例子，

a former professor at the University of Michigan who, to me, is like,

密西根大學的前教授， 她對我來說就像是……

she tells the story of like, OK, so a kid loses her third tooth.

她會說這樣的故事， 一個孩子掉了她的第三顆牙，

A seven-year-old loses her third tooth.

七歲孩子掉了她的第三顆牙。

She loses her tooth, she goes to sleep,

她掉了牙，她上床睡覺，

before she goes to sleep, she puts the tooth under the pillow.

在她上床之前，她把 牙齒放在枕頭底下。

When she wakes up,

她醒來時，

the tooth is still there.

牙齒還在那裡。

The kid is disappointed,

孩子很失望，

but the parents regret not leaving that --

但父母則是「後悔」沒有配合——

所以，你必須要處在能採取 行動的位置……且必須要有……

So you have to have some agency and it has to have a ...

It has to have enough significance that it stays with you.

必須要夠重要，會讓你無法忘懷。

And once again, going back to these four core regrets,

再次回到後悔的四個核心類別，

it ends up being the same kinds of ...

最後，它們還是同一種……

it ends up being the same kinds of things.

最後，它們還是同一種東西。

If you said, "Oh, I shouldn't have bought that kind of car,"

如果你說：「喔， 我不該買那種車款的。」

it might sting for a little bit, but the half-life is very, very short.

可能會覺得有點痛， 但半衰期非常短。

但某些其他事情 就會讓我們無法忘懷，

But other kinds of things stick with us and stick with us,

and those are the things often of significance.

那些事情的重要性通常很高。

惠：丹，非常謝謝你跟我們聊，

WPR: Thank you so much, Dan, for chatting with us,

and I love ending there, "If not now when?"

我很喜歡這個結尾， 「若不是現在，要何時？」

And we'll see you soon.

再會。謝謝你，丹。

Thank you, Dan.

謝謝邀請我，我很榮幸。

DHP: Thanks a lot, what a pleasure.

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