Why You Feel Anxious Socializing (and What to Do about It) | Fallon Goodman | TED

翻译人员: Yip Yan Yeung 校对人员: Grace Man

Each person who entered our therapy clinic

每个走进我们治疗诊所的人

answer a stack of questions before beginning treatment.

都需要在接受治疗之前 回答一大堆问题。

And during my years as a therapist there,

在我多年的治疗师工作过程中，

there was one question I always reviewed before meeting with a new client.

我都会在和新客户会面之前 仔细考虑一个问题。

It asked this:

问题是这样的：

What is your purpose in life?

你人生的目标是什么？

Defined as a central motivating life aim, something you're trying to accomplish.

它的定义为激励你前行的 核心人生目标，即你想做成的事。

Now, to be fair, this is a difficult question.

老实说，这是个很难的问题。

Identifying a single purpose in life feels really hard.

就说出那么一个人生目标 是很难的。

It also feels consequential.

分量也很重。

Many people spend years searching for and developing their purposes,

很多人孜孜不倦地寻觅、 建立起自己的目标，

and some never find it.

而有些人永远不会找到目标。

But typically we see responses like this:

但是我们会收到一些常见的答案：

to be an engaged parent,

做更有参与感的父母，

to make meaningful change in my community,

为我的社区带来重大改变，

to build a career I'm proud of,

拥有令我自豪的事业，

to live for a long time, just keeping it simple.

也有简单的答案——活得久一点。

But then there was the answer of one young woman

但有一位年轻的女性客户 给出了这样的答案。

who I worked with.

Before meeting with her, as I always did,

在与她会面之前，按照惯例，

I flipped to see how she described her purpose.

我翻阅了她对目标的描述。

And she wrote this:

她是这样写的：

"To avoid being noticed by other people."

“不要被他人关注。”

This young woman, a bright, witty, compassionate high schooler,

这位年轻的女士，一位聪慧、开朗、 富有同情心的高中生，

decided that her purpose in life

把她的人生目标定为了

was to make sure that other people did not know that she existed.

让别人都不知道她的存在。

This is the power of social anxiety.

这就是社交焦虑的力量。

At its core, social anxiety is about the fear of being rejected.

社交焦虑的核心在于害怕被拒绝。

When we feel socially anxious,

我们感到社交焦虑的时候，

we become hyper-focused on how we are appearing to others.

会过分关注我们在别人眼里的样子。

We scan the room looking for signs of threat and disapproval,

我们环视周围， 试图寻找威胁和不满的迹象，

signs we might have slipped up and are at risk for rejection.

寻找我们不小心翻车， 受到别人拒绝的迹象。

And then we seek comfort in signs of approval,

然后我们会在支持、

smiles, head nods, laughs and so on.

微笑、点头、大笑等 行为中寻求安慰。

And while social anxiety can be exhausting,

虽然社交焦虑让人精疲力竭，

it exists for a reason.

但是它不是无缘无故出现的。

Social anxiety tries to protect us from rejection,

社交焦虑想保护我们 免受遭到拒绝的伤害，

and it does that by tuning us in to the nuances and norms

它通过让我们适应社交集体的 细枝末节、规范标准、气氛动向，

and dynamics of a social group

so we can match our behavior to fit in with them

校准我们自己的行为，融入环境，

and ultimately avoid being rejected.

从而避免遭到拒绝。

This is a good thing because humans are social.

这是好事， 因为人类是社会性动物。

We exist in social groups,

我们生活在集体中，

we rely on each other whether or not we like that,

无论喜好，我们都得依赖他人，

but also more simply because rejection is painful.

但是更直白的原因就是 被拒绝很痛苦。

Take a moment to think about your own rejection experiences,

想一想你自己被拒绝的经历，

however cringeworthy, we all have them.

有多令人脚趾抓地， 我们都有过这样的经历。

Maybe you were ghosted after a first date.

也许是第一次约会后 人家跑路了。

Been there.

我也有过。

Maybe you were rejected from your dream job.

也许是你没拿到梦寐以求的工作。

Maybe you were ousted from a friend group.

也许是被一群朋友踢出群聊。

Rejection's unpleasant.

被拒绝让人不开心。

And social anxiety tries to protect us from it.

社交焦虑在保护我们 不会再被拒绝。

But social anxiety becomes problematic

但是如果社交焦虑开始影响 你理想中的生活方式了，

when it begins to interfere with the life you want to live.

那它就有问题了。

And this happens when your fear of rejection

这种现象出现的前提是 你对遭到拒绝的恐惧

becomes intertwined with your view of yourself.

与你对自己的看法交织在了一起。

When you believe you will be rejected

如果你相信你会被人拒绝，

because you think you have some inherent flaw,

理由是你觉得你自身有一些缺点、

deficiency or failing of character.

不足或者性格缺陷。

You were ghosted after that first date,

第一次约会以后人家跑了，

and you believe it's because you were not lovable or attractive enough.

但是你觉得是因为你不可爱， 或者不够有吸引力。

You were turned down from your dream job,

你没有拿到梦寐以求的工作，

and you believe it's because you were not intelligent or competent enough.

但是你觉得是因为你不够聪明， 或者不够有竞争力。

You were ousted from that friend group,

你被一群朋友踢出群聊，

and you believe it’s because you were not interesting or funny enough.

但是你觉得是因为你没意思， 或者不够搞笑。

Our fear of rejection is really a fear of being less than.

我们对被拒绝的恐惧其实是 对“达不到”的恐惧。

Less than we want to be,

达不到我们理想中的自己，

less than we think we should be

达不到我们理应成为的自己，

or less than we believe society wants us to be.

或者达不到社会 想让我们成为的样子。

Now, over time,

发展了一段时间，

this belief system can develop into social anxiety disorder.

这种思维会恶化成 社交焦虑失协症。

When a person has social anxiety disorder,

有社交焦虑症的人 会对别人端详他们、

they become overly concerned about other people scrutinizing them,

严厉批评他们、 最终拒绝他们过分担心。

evaluating them harshly and ultimately rejecting them.

So much so that they begin to construct their lives around avoiding rejection.

担心到他们的生活会绕着 避免被拒绝的这一想法转。

Because if you can avoid being noticed by other people,

因为如果你可以 避免受到他人的注意，

then those people have fewer data points on which to reject you.

那么，那些人就更不容易 找到拒绝你的点。

Now, social anxiety disorder

社交焦虑症

is one of the most common mental illnesses in the world.

已经成为了 全球最常见的心理疾病之一。

In the United States alone,

单看美国，

more than 12 percent of Americans at some point in their lives

超过 12% 的美国人 在人生的某个阶段中

will have diagnosable social anxiety disorder.

都出现过可诊断级别的 社交焦虑症。

That's roughly 40 million people.

这大概有 4000 万人。

Now worldwide, the estimates are lower, they're four percent,

全球来看， 数值会小一些，为 4%，

which in and of itself is interesting.

这个数字本身很有意思。

But based on current population estimates,

但是基于现有人口估计，

four percent of the world is roughly 300 million people

世界人口的 4%， 大约为 3 亿人，

that will potentially have social anxiety disorder

都可能在人生的某个节点 患上社交焦虑症。

at some point in their lifetime.

And despite how prevalent it is, it's widely misunderstood,

虽然这种疾病非常普遍， 但是也普遍地遭到误解，

widely misdiagnosed

普遍地遭到误诊，

and often missed entirely.

还总是会被完全漏诊。

This is because several myths about social anxiety pervade our culture.

这是因为我们的文化中 有许多关于社交焦虑的谣传。

The first myth is that people with social anxiety are happier alone.

第一个流言为患有社交焦虑的人 一个人待着会更开心。

The stereotype of someone with social anxiety as a recluse

这种刻板印象将社交焦虑患者 默认为喜欢独处的人，

who'd rather be hiding away alone in their bedroom

宁可躲在自己的卧室里

than out interacting with the world.

也不愿出去与社会互动。

And this is simply not true.

这完全是不正确的。

In research conducted in my lab,

我的实验室做过这样的研究，

we find that people with social anxiety disorder

表明患有社交焦虑的人

desire strong, healthy, intimate relationships

需要坚实的、健康的、 亲密的关系，

to the same degree as those without mental illness.

与没有心理疾病的人相当。

And they do socialize,

他们确实会社交，

they’re not robotic aliens.

他们不是外星机器人。

And when they socialize,

而且当他们社交的时候，

they often enjoy doing so.

他们也会乐在其中。

In fact, when we ask people with social anxiety

实际上，我们问社交焦虑患者

how happy they are,

有多快乐，

they report feeling happier when they are with other people

他们表示和别人待在一起

than when they're alone.

会比自己一个人待着更快乐。

This is because not all social interactions are stressful.

这是因为不是所有社交活动 都是让人紧张的。

Maybe someone feels socially anxious with friends

也许有人和朋友在一起 会感到社交焦虑，

but not their romantic partner.

但是和爱人在一起就不会。

Or they feel anxious with strangers and acquaintances

又或许他们在陌生人 和认识的人面前会感到焦虑，

but not people like their neighbors or coworkers.

但是在邻居或同事面前就不会。

So even though some interactions are stressful,

因此，就算有些互动让人焦虑，

people with social anxiety are not devoid of the basic desire for human connection.

患有社交焦虑的人也不是 全无对人际交往的基本需求的。

They just have trouble obtaining it in certain situations with certain people.

他们只是很难在某些场合 和某些人进行人际交往。

OK, so maybe then people with social anxiety do socialize,

好，也许患有社交焦虑的人 确实会进行社交，

and when they do, they enjoy it.

他们社交的时候也享受其中。

But it's with a small, tight-knit group of people.

但是，是和一小群关系密切的人。

And really, social anxiety is about avoiding the spotlight.

而且说实在的， 社交焦虑就是在避免受到关注。

And this is the second myth.

以下是第二个流言。

Social anxiety is not necessarily about a fear of public performance.

社交焦虑未必代表着害怕公开表现。

While this is true of some people,

虽然有些人确实如此，

other people with social anxiety find performing in front of others

但是也有一些社交焦虑患者 发现在别人面前表现

less anxiety-provoking

比起小规模的、更亲近的对话， 比如一对一谈话，

than smaller, more intimate conversations,

like when they have to carry a conversation one on one.

更不容易引起焦虑。

Many people with social anxiety excel in careers

很多社交焦虑症患者在

that are intertwined with social evaluation and social performance.

涉及社会评估和社会表现的 岗位上如鱼得水。

Modeling, acting, sports.

做模特、演戏、体育。

In May of 2021,

2021 年 5 月，

Naomi Osaka declined to participate in press conferences of the French Open.

大坂直美 （Naomi Osaka）

拒绝出席法网公开赛的 新闻发布会。

She courageously and preemptively shared

她勇敢地直接表示

that they exacerbated her social anxiety.

发布会会加重她的社交焦虑。

Shortly thereafter, she received a wave of public backlash and scrutiny.

没过多久，她就遭到了 公众的强烈抵制和仔细审视。

She goes on to play her first match,

她继续完成了第一场比赛，

of course, wins,

当然，她赢了，

and then she withdraws from the French Open.

但是随后她退出了法网公开赛。

Many people were perplexed

人们都很疑惑

about how someone could have social anxiety

一个人怎么可以 同时有社交焦虑症，

and also be the number one ranked tennis player in the world,

又是世界第一网球选手，

lead a fashion campaign with Nike -- good choice --

为耐克站台时尚活动， 真是个不错的选择，

and don the cover of Sports Illustrated in a swimsuit.

并穿着泳装登上 《体育画报》的封面。

In an interview the year prior discussing her social anxiety,

在谈论她的社交焦虑症的前一年， 她曾接受采访，

Osaka explained:

解释道：

"On the court is completely different.

“站在球场上 完全是不一样的感觉。

I love playing at Arthur Ashe because it’s the biggest stadium,

我喜欢在亚瑟·阿什 （Arthur Ashe）球场打球，

因为是最大的球场，

and you feel the rumble of the crowd.

你可以感受到人潮涌动的轰鸣。

You kind of feel like a gladiator because it’s super-big

你会觉得自己是个角斗士， 因为赛场太大了，

and there are so many people watching your match.

还有这么多人在观赏你的比赛。

But off the court,

但是在球场之外，

if I was ever thrown into a situation

如果我被扔到一个

where I had to speak in front of 100 people,

得在 100 人面前演讲的场合，

I feel like I would start shaking."

我会紧张得发抖。”

There is no one-size-fits-all profile of social anxiety.

社交焦虑症患者并没有 一种统一的表现。

Just like people who are depressed have different collections of symptoms

就像抑郁症患者可能会在

不同时间由于不同原因 出现不同种类的症状，

at different times for different reasons,

social anxiety looks different in different people.

社交焦虑症也是因人而异的。

And last and maybe the most problematic myth.

最后一个， 也可能是问题最大的流言。

That social anxiety is fleeting and harmless.

有人认为社交焦虑症 转瞬即逝，而且不会造成伤害。

Social anxiety is not just something you grow out of.

社交焦虑不会随着时间消失。

It doesn't magically disappear

它不会在你初中或高中毕业的时候

when you graduate middle school or high school.

就这么神奇地消失了。

Without intervention, many people struggle with social anxiety for years,

如果不加干预，很多人会 长年累月受到社交焦虑的侵扰。

for decades.

And social anxiety can influence every aspect of a person's life.

社交焦虑会影响一个人 生活的方方面面。

It can influence the hobbies they choose,

会影响他们选择的兴趣爱好，

maybe opting for solo activities like reading, writing,

也许会选择独自一人进行的活动， 比如阅读、写作，

rather than things like team sports.

而不是选择团体运动之类的活动。

It can influence the careers people pursue.

它会影响人们选择的职业道路。

Maybe opting for careers with more individual, like computer time,

也许会选择工作更独立的岗位， 比如计算机相关的岗位，

versus things like sales or customer service.

而不是销售或客服之类的方向。

And social anxiety could influence people's everyday lives.

社交焦虑还会影响 人们的日常生活。

Ricky Williams, star NFL running back,

里奇·威廉姆斯 （Ricky Williams），

美国国家橄榄球联盟 （NFL）的明星跑卫，

Heisman-winning running back,

荣获海兹曼奖的跑卫，

dazzled millions of people on the football field every week.

每周在橄榄球场上， 在百万人面前光芒四射。

And yet he shared that he struggled with social anxiety, and because of it,

但是他说他饱受社交焦虑的困扰， 而且因此，

he had difficulty interacting with teammates,

他很难与队友互动、

running everyday errands

完成日常琐事，

where he'd have to interact with people

因为他得和别人互动，

and even interacting with his own daughter.

包括和他的女儿互动。

The real tragedy of social anxiety

社交焦虑症真正造成的悲剧

is that it robs individuals of their greatest resource:

是它剥夺了一个人最宝贵的资源：

other people.

其他人。

Other people help us overcome adversity,

其他人可以帮助我们渡过难关，

like recovering from illness or after you bomb a job interview.

比如从病痛中康复， 在面试翻车后平复心情。

Other people help us celebrate milestones

其他人可以与我们分享 达成成就的喜悦，

like showing up to the birth of our child or a wedding or a graduation.

比如见证我们孩子的诞生时刻、 我们的婚礼或者毕业典礼。

And other people help us overcome loss,

其他人可以帮助我们 排遣失去带来的痛苦，

like grieving the death of a loved one.

比如哀悼挚爱之人的逝去。

Our fear of rejection gets in the way of obtaining and appreciating

我们对被拒绝的恐惧阻碍了 我们获取、享受

the benefits of being accepted, the benefits of other people.

被人接受所带来的益处、 其他人的存在所带来的益处。

And in our modern world,

在现代社会中，

it is harder than ever to manage social anxiety.

应对社交焦虑的难度 达到了最高点。

We are more connected today than any time in human history,

我们比人类历史上的任何时候 都更紧密地相连，

and yet we are lonelier,

但我们没有这么孤独过，

more depressed

没有这么抑郁过，

and more socially anxious than ever.

没有这么社交焦虑过。

We have endless tools to socialize,

我们有海量的社交工具，

and yet we're seeing a decaying social connection.

但是我们眼前的是 愈发薄弱的社会联结。

In a rapid amount of time,

在短短的一小段时间内，

our social structures have been upended and rewritten.

我们的社会结构 已经被颠覆改写了。

Technology and social media have created new standards

科技和社交媒体 制定了社交关系和互动的新标准：

for social relationships and interactions:

"Do I post it, do I share it, do I like it, do I love it?"

“我要发吗？我要转发吗？ 我要点赞吗？我喜欢它吗？”

We create these bizarre extensions of ourselves

我们通过精心打理的个人简介， 现在会通过虚拟形象，

through curated profiles and now avatars.

创建了这些奇怪的自我延伸。

We try to make sense of unlimited feedback

我们试图搞明白 源源不断的反馈意见，

from a massive and often invisible audience.

它们来自于我们通常 无法面对面交流的一大群观众。

And the costs of social blunders are higher.

社交失误的成本更高了。

Things you do and things you say can live online forever

你的一言一行 会永久地被保留在线上，

and subject you to unforgiving scrutiny,

对你加以严厉的审视、

reputation loss and even job loss.

名誉损失， 甚至会让你丢了饭碗。

It is a tough time to have social anxiety.

现在可不是患上社交焦虑的好时机。

But the world will become more, not less, connected,

但是世界会变得更加， 而不是更少地联结在一起，

and the influence of technology and social media will grow,

科技和社交媒体的影响力 会继续扩大，

not shrink.

而不是缩小。

Now is the time to address social anxiety.

是时候谈谈应对社交焦虑的方法了。

And here's how.

我们该这么做。

The first and maybe easiest thing we can do is identify early.

我们能做的第一件，也可能是 最简单的一件事，就是早发现。

Early detection is critical

早期发现非常重要，

because of those who go on to develop social anxiety disorder,

因为恶化成社交焦虑失协症的患者中

more than half will have developed it before their 14th birthday.

有过半在 14 周岁以前 就出现了这种症状。

More than half.

过半。

And social anxiety puts people at risk

社交焦虑还让人们面临着

for developing other mental illnesses later on.

之后患上其他心理疾病的风险。

Of adults who were diagnosed with both social anxiety disorder

在被诊断为 同时患有社交焦虑失协症

and a mood disorder like depression,

和情绪障碍， 如抑郁的成年患者中，

social anxiety came first 70 percent of the time.

有 70% 的人 先患上了社交焦虑。

Of adults who were diagnosed with both social anxiety disorder

在被诊断为 同时患有社交焦虑失协症

and alcohol use disorder,

和酒精使用障碍的成年患者中，

social anxiety came first.

社交焦虑一马当先。

It was developed first approximately 80 percent of the time.

有大约 80% 的人 会先患上社交焦虑。

What these data suggests is that social anxiety starts early,

这些数据展现的是 社交焦虑出现得很早，

and it puts people at risk for developing other mental illnesses.

而且会让人们承担 患上其他心理疾病的风险。

But here's the incredible part.

好在仅仅通过问几个简单的问题，

Social anxiety can be reliably and accurately flagged

by asking just a few simple questions.

就可以有效精准地识别出社交焦虑。

Questions like:

问题如下：

"Is your fear of rejection among one of your worst fears?"

“你害怕遭到拒绝， 这是你最害怕的事情之一吗？”

And "Does your fear of rejection get in the way of doing things

还有“你对被拒绝的恐惧 有没有阻碍你做一些

that you'd otherwise want to be or enjoy doing?"

你想做或者乐在其中的事？”

The cost of asking these questions is like 30 seconds and zero dollars.

问这些问题的成本 只有 30 秒和 0 美元。

We don't have to create new infrastructures.

我们不需要打造 全新的流程、平台、服务。

We don't have to upend existing ones.

我们不需要颠覆既有的系统。

We can embed early detection programs into our existing structures

我们可以把早期发现项目 纳入已有的计划安排，

like at schools, new year orientation,

学校的场景里有新学年迎新、

one-on-one counselor meetings

和指导老师一对一谈话，

and in primary care settings.

也可以在初级保健场景下进行。

Because if a doctor can screen for depression,

因为如果医生 能够检查出抑郁症，

then she can also screen for social anxiety.

那么她也能检查出社交焦虑。

Early detection

早期发现，

and then appropriately intervening

适当干预，

can significantly alter the trajectories of young people.

可以显著改变年轻人的人生轨迹。

The second thing we can do is harness our platforms.

我们能做的第二件事就是 利用我们的平台。

One of the benefits of living in this hyperconnected world

生活在这个高度互联的世界里 有这么一个好处，

is that a single person can have a ton of power.

就是一人能有千钧力。

They can use their platforms to create meaningful and lasting social change.

他们可以通过各种平台 创造出重要、持久的社会改变。

I mentioned Ricky Williams and Osaka,

我提到了里奇·威廉姆斯和大阪，

who have used their platforms to share about their social anxiety.

他们通过自己的途径 分享了他们的社交焦虑。

And just from these two people, we’ve seen a ripple effect.

仅仅是他们两个人的行动 就产生了连锁反应。

In response to Osaka's announcement,

紧随大阪的宣告，

Viola Davis,

维奥拉·戴维斯 （Viola Davis），

Oscar, Emmy, Tony-award winning actress,

奥斯卡金像奖、艾美奖、托尼奖 获奖女演员，

shared that she struggles with social anxiety.

分享了她受到社交焦虑困扰的境况。

A woman whose job it is as an actress

这位女士的工作是女演员，

to embody and express the complexities of people

是以不堪一击、众目睽睽的方式

in very vulnerable and very public ways.

体现、传达人类的复杂。

But frankly, these celebrities are not the poster children for social anxiety.

但是这些名人并不是 社交焦虑的代言人。

They're just three of the millions who suffer,

他们只是三个和百万患者

受到同样折磨 但有勇气公之于众的人。

who were brave enough to talk about it.

And we can do the same with our platforms, however big or small.

如果我们也可以 把大大小小的平台利用起来。

In our schools,

学校、

in our workplaces,

职场、

in our communities and in our homes.

社区、家庭。

Because regular, candid and forthcoming conversations about mental illness

因为围绕心理疾病 进行定期、坦诚、随时的对话，

ultimately reduce stigma,

最终可以减少羞耻感，

correct harmful myths

终结有害的流言，

and get people the help that they need.

给予人们所需的帮助。

The last thing that we can do is foster social courage.

我们能做的最后一件事是 培养社交勇气。

Addressing social anxiety is not about preventing or avoiding rejection.

解决社交焦虑的方式 并不是预防或者避免被拒绝。

Addressing social anxiety is about fostering social courage.

解决社交焦虑的方式 是培养社交勇气。

Being socially courageous means pursuing experiences

社交勇敢意味着 即使知道你可能会被拒绝，

and knowing that your chances of rejection are not zero.

也勇敢去追求你想要的体验。

In fact, the chances that you get rejected at some point in your life,

其实，在你人生中的某个阶段，

或是今年的某个时刻， 被拒绝的概率都是很高的。

at some point this year, are high.

And worse, you may be rejected as a function of who you are.

更惨的是你可能会 因为你的本质被拒绝。

Things about yourself that you cannot change.

因为那些你无法改变的事情。

Where you come from,

你的出身、

what you look like or who you love.

你的外貌、你爱的人。

Being socially courageous means pursuing experiences

社交勇敢意味着

因为这些经历对你很重要，

because they are important to you

and knowing that the successes of those pursuits

而且你知道它们的成功与否

都与你作为一个人的价值无关， 所以勇敢地去追梦。

are not contingent on your worth as a human being.

Being socially courageous means knowing your worth

社交勇敢意味着 了解你自己的价值，

and finding people and social groups

找到一群人、一个社会集体，

that love and accept that person.

愿意爱他/她，接受他/她。

And being socially courageous means asking that person out,

社交勇敢意味着 邀请他/她去约会，

applying for that job,

申请这个岗位，

speaking up at that meeting or that party

在会议或者派对上大胆发言，

or giving that big talk on that big stage,

或者在大场面做一场大型演讲，

knowing that rejection lurks around the corner.

就算你遭到拒绝的可能性 仍在虎视眈眈。

But the opportunity for growth and for purpose shines brighter.

但是成长和成就的机会 更加光彩夺目。

A purpose not defined by ensuring that you go unnoticed in this world,

你的目标不该是 让世人不要再注意到你，

but a purpose that makes you feel most alive, most present

而是让你感受到最鲜活、 最有存在感、

and most authentically you.

最真实的自己。

Thank you.

谢谢。