Meg Jay: Essential questions to ask your future self | TED

Transcriber:

翻译人员: Mia Cheng 校对人员: Grace Man

梅格·杰伊（Meg Jay）： 我们需要谈一谈同理心缺口。

同理心缺口就是为什么有时候

我们会讨厌另一个政治倾向的人。

Meg Jay: We need to talk about the empathy gap.

或者为什么我们可能

So the empathy gap is why we sometimes hate on people

对那些看起来跟我们不一样，

生活方式以及喜好跟我们不一样的人 所遭遇的问题会满不在乎。

on the other end of the political spectrum.

Or it's why maybe we shrug their shoulders

它也是我们在保护子孙后代，

at the problems of those who look different

不受气候变化带来的影响方面 做得还不够的原因。

or live different or love different than we do.

它有时可能表现在 我们很难去关心不认识的人。

It's why we almost certainly aren't doing enough

to protect our kids and grandkids from climate change.

或者很难为了还没出生的人 去做一些正确的事。

It can just be difficult sometimes to care about people that we don't know

但是如果我告诉你 同样的同情心缺口，

也会发生在 20 多岁的自己 和未来的自己之间呢？

or to do right by people who don't even exist yet.

But what if I told you that that same empathy gap

在我继续演讲之前，

我想说接下来我说的一切，

can also get in the way of us doing right by ourselves in our 20s and beyond?

也同样适用于所有那些 已经过了 20 多岁的人。

我要交待一点小背景，

And before I go on,

let me say that everything I'm about to talk about

我在 2013 年做了一个演讲，

also applies to all of us out there who are well beyond our 20s.

关于为什么 20 多岁 是很重要的时期。

现在已经过去差不多 10 年了。

But for a little bit of background,

我还是一个专门研究 20 多岁年轻人的临床心理学家。

in 2013, I gave a talk about why our twenties matter.

但是如今我见到的 20 多岁的年轻人，

So it's about almost 10 years later.

他们已经知道 自己目前的人生阶段很重要。

I'm still a clinical psychologist who specializes in 20-somethings.

所以他们想把一切做好。

他们想搬到正确的城市，

他们想从事正确的工作，

But these days, the 20-somethings I see, they know their 20s matter.

他们想找到正确的伴侣，

他们想拥有正确的答案。

So they want to get them right.

坏消息是，没有正确的答案。

They want to move to the right city.

They want to take the right job.

They want to find the right partner.

你应该在哪里生活、工作以及定居，

They want to have the right answers.

这些问题是没有正确答案的。

Well, the bad news is there are no right answers.

这些都是所谓的“世界性大难题”，

There are no right answers for where you should live or where you should work

因为这当中有太多的未知。

没有软件，没有算法， 也没有性格形态学，

or how you should settle down.

These are what are called "large world problems"

能够帮你解决这些难题 或者回答这些疑问。

because there are just too many unknowns.

No app, no algorithm, no enneagram

但好消息是，因为不存在正确答案，

所以也没有错误答案。

can ever solve these problems or answer these questions for you.

只有你的答案。

But the good news is, because there are no right answers,

所以你的 20 岁是一个可以倾听 和诚实面对自己的好时机。

there are no wrong answers.

There are only your answers.

它是一个你可以跟未来的自己 进行一场对话的美好时光。

So your 20s are a great time to listen to and be honest with yourself.

哲学家德里克·帕菲特 （Derek Parfit）说过，

因为一些信仰或想象力的失败

They're a great time to have a conversation with your future self.

我们会忽略未来的自己。

So philosopher Derek Parfit said we neglect our future selves

我要再重复一遍， 因为这句话真的很重要：

我们因为信仰或想象力的失败， 而忽略未来的自己。

because of some sort of failure of belief or imagination.

So I'm going to say that again, because it's really important:

当你年轻的时候， 很难想象或者相信

we neglect our future selves

because of some sort of failure of belief or imagination.

你有一天会真的到 35 岁。

你在 Instagram 和 TikTok 上看到的网红

So when you're young, it can be difficult to imagine or believe

甚至更年轻。

that you could ever really be 35,

但这是一个问题，因为研究表明，

especially when most of the influencers you see on Instagram or TikTok

我们的大脑在想象未来的自己时，

跟想象陌生人是相似的。

are younger than that.

But that's a problem because research shows

这就是同理心缺口的来源。

that our brains think about our future selves

我们很难去在乎一个

similarly to how they think about strangers.

还没有见过的自己。

And that's where the empathy gap comes in.

研究还表明，

It can be difficult for us to care about a version of ourselves

如果我们能找到方法填补，

当现在的自己面对未来的自己时 的同理心缺口，

that we haven't met yet.

我们就会更多的地考虑 现在要怎样做，

Yet research also shows

that if we find a way to close that empathy gap

才能善待以后的自己。

between our present selves and our future selves,

我最喜欢的这方面的研究之一， 是研究人员利用虚拟现实技术，

we start to think more about what we could do now

为 20 多岁的年轻人，

to be kind to ourselves down the line.

展现他们老了之后的样子。

So in one of my favorite studies on this, researchers used virtual reality

我知道这很可怕， 但是这些见过老年的自己的年轻人，

to show 20-somethings

what they would look like when they're old.

相比那些没见过的人， 会为自己的退休生活存下更多的钱。

Scary, I know, but the 20-somethings who saw their age-morphed selves,

我的办公室没有虚拟现实，

而且为退休生活存钱， 并不是经常出现的事情。

set aside more money towards retirement than those who didn't.

但是真正重要的是，

So I don't have virtual reality in my office

人生中大概有 85% 的决定性时刻，

and saving for retirement isn't something that comes up a whole lot.

出现在 35 岁左右。

But what does come up a whole lot

所以我让我的客户想象 他们 35 岁时的样子，

is that about 85 percent of life's most defining moments

并让他们相信是通过自己的能力 创造了这些决定性的时刻。

take place by around age 35.

So I ask my clients to imagine themselves at age 35

我让他们具体描述他们看到了什么，

and I ask them to believe in their ability to have created those defining moments.

那时的我会是什么样子， 住在哪，从事什么工作？

And then I ask them to get really specific about what they see.

我享受这份工作吗？它是否有意义？ 它是否很重要？薪资待遇怎样？

What do I look like, where do I live, what do I do for work?

这些事情有一天会变成现实吗？

这其中哪些是我真正关心的？

Do I enjoy the work? Is it meaningful? Is it important? Does it pay well?

下班之后又是怎样的呢？

回家后我有要找的人吗？ 我有伴侣吗？

Might these things be true one day?

Which of these things do I really care about?

那么这段感情又会是怎样的呢？

它会跟我见过的其他的感情 相似还是不同？

What about after work?

Who do I come home to? Do I have a partner?

我会有孩子吗？ 第一个孩子出生时我多大？

What does that relationship look like?

How does it look different or similar to the ones that I saw growing up?

当我的孩子上大学， 或者有了他自己的孩子时我多大？

Are there kids in the picture? How old was I when I had my first child?

当然，我幸福吗，我健康吗？

How old might I be when that child goes to college or has their own kids?

那么又是哪些我做了或者没做的事 使我能够幸福和健康呢？

And of course, am I happy, am I healthy?

所以在这里只是想让你 了解未来的自己，

And what exactly do I do or not do that makes me happy and healthy?

因为只有当我们花时间 与那个未来的自己沟通，

我们才会做一些改变，

So the idea here is just to try to get to know your future self,

我们会开始问现在的自己，

because when we spend time connecting with that person,

要何好跟未来的自己共处，

或者达到某种妥协。

we do some reverse engineering

and we start to ask our present self questions

我们开始问一些问题，诸如，

about how our present and our future

“我所想要的一切 会与实际相符吗？”

can come together or meet somewhere in the middle, along the way.

或者“我现在要去做的事情 究竟有什么意义?”

We start to ask questions like,

我个人最喜欢的可以在任何年龄 去问你自己的问题之一是：

"How is everything I think I want going to fit?"

or "What does all this mean about what I need to be doing now?"

“如果有一份工作、或者一段恋情 又或者是一个处境，

是我不想在五年后看到的，

Or here's one of my favorite questions to ask yourself at any age:

那么我还会继续在上面 花多少时间?”

"If I'm in a job or a relationship or a situation

就像我说的，很多都是难题。

I would like not to be in in five years,

但是 20 年的从业经验，

then how much longer am I going to spend on this?"

教会我的是，20 多岁的年轻人 不害怕回答这些难题。

So, like I said, many of these are tough questions.

他们真正害怕的是 没人问他们这些难题。

But 20 years of doing this work

has taught me that 20-somethings aren't afraid of being asked the tough questions.

也许这是因为他们告诉过这个世界，

他们对这些关于种族、阶级、

What they're really afraid of is not being asked the tough questions.

政治和环境的勇敢的谈话很感兴趣。

And maybe that's because they've told the world

也许对于任何年龄来说，

that they're interested in having courageous conversations

最勇敢的谈话之一就是 跟未来的自己交谈。

about race and class and politics and the environment.

And perhaps at any age,

谢谢。

惠特尼·彭宁顿·罗杰斯 (Whitney Pennington Rodgers)：

one of the most courageous conversations you can have is with your future self.

非常感谢,梅格。

非常棒。

很高兴能在这里跟你以及大家见面。

Thank you.

我知道你的工作 是跟 20 多岁的年轻人有关。

Whitney Pennington Rodgers: Thank you so much, Meg.

但是在你的演讲中也提到，

That was wonderful.

你所说的适用于人生的任何阶段

I'm glad to be here with you and with all of our members.

和任何时期。

And I know that your work is with people in their 20s, young adults.

这不只是给 20 多岁 年轻人的建议，对吧？

But you mentioned in your talk

梅格·杰伊：是的。

that this is something you can apply at any stage of your life

我觉得我们在 20 多岁时 才会开始出现这种想法，

and at any point.

It's not just advice that you should use in your 20s, is that right?

“会有一个未来的自己，

MJ: Oh, yes.

我想我最好考虑一下 那个人的事。”

I mean, I think our 20s is when we first start having to sort of figure out,

因为之前学校会帮我们

制定未来两三年的规划。

"Oh, there's a future self out there.

所以我们在 20 多岁才 第一次开始思考未来的事。

And I guess I better think about that person."

Because, you know, like, school kind of does it for us,

随着时间的推移我们会 越来越善于这样的思考。

has us plot two or three years in advance.

当我们30多、 40多、50多岁时，

So our 20s are when we first start to think across those horizons.

我们有了和未来更多的内在联系。

如果你有了孩子，

We get better at it over time.

你会想， “ 我真希望一直在他们身边，

And then in our 30s, 40s, 50s, we have more built-in connections to the future.

直到他们大学毕业”之类的。

所以有时候，

Like maybe if you have kids,

年龄更大后会感觉更坦然。

you think, "Hey, I really want to be around

但这在每个年龄很重要。

when they graduate from college" or whatever the case may be.

我正在引导一对夫妻，

So there are there are ways we kind of --

他们其实在谈他们未来的关系，

it becomes a little bit more natural the older that you get.

But it's always important.

I have a couple in my practice right now

因为还有不到五年，

他们的孩子就要去上大学了，

and they're actually having a conversation with their future relationship,

他们想确认是否能保持 良好的婚姻关系。

在孩子离家之后，

because in about five years,

我也想想自己，我 51 岁了。

their kids are going to be leaving for college

and they want to be sure they have a marriage they feel good about

所以我也在和未来的自己对话，

”嘿，你知道，

when the kids are gone.

我想在自己 50 岁前

Or if I think about myself, I'm 51.

So I'm having a conversation with my future self

从自己的职业生涯中获得什么？

你也知道，时间飞逝

about, "Hey, you know,

我到底想做什么？”

what do I want to get out of the years of my career

所以我想，

我们需要常和未来的自己对话。

that are just ahead in my 50s

这对于 20 多岁的人，

and, you know, time's running out.

是新鲜的也是困难的。

What is it I want to get done?"

So I think we're, you know,

we always need to be in conversation with our future self.

惠特尼·潘宁顿·罗杰斯： 我有一件事很好奇，

It's just something that's new

人们会说， “好吧， 我觉得这个想法很不错，

and usually quite difficult for 20-somethings.

我想问自己这些问题。”

他们也确实如此做了，但是然后呢？

WPR: So I guess one thing I’m curious about is, you know,

你接下来建议人们怎么做，

people have said, "OK, I like this idea of these questions.

他们如何能更进一步，

I want to ask myself these questions."

And they do that. And then what happens?

如何能自我提升之类的？

You know, I guess, what do you recommend people do next?

梅格·杰伊：同样，

What is the way that they can sort of take this further

这取决于你的目标，

to advance themselves and this thinking?

或者在你和未来的自己 对话时发生了什么。

MJ: Yeah, so, you know, again,

但我想就像大多数长期项目一样，

it depends on the goal or what ended up happening

我会建议拿起笔纸算一算，

between you and your future self in this conversation.

先勾勒出一个大致的草稿。

But I think like most long-form projects,

so I would suggest some, you know, pencil and paper, do some math,

当你进行下去时，

你或许会意识到 其他对你很重要的事情，

sort of sketch out some things just to start with.

你想把这些重要的事情 加入到规划中。

And then as you go along,

然后具体情况具体分析，

you might realize other things that are important to you down the line

不过你需要有一个时间表， 来查看事情进程。

that you want to be sure that you get in there and add in there.

“嘿，我对自己和未来的自己 是否真诚呢？

And then I would figure out -- it depends on what it is,

but a schedule that works for you, where you check in about your progress on,

我做到了说过的考虑优先次序吗？”

可以每月查看一次进展，

"Hey, am I being true to myself and to my future self

也可以是每年新年查看，

in terms of what I said I was going to start prioritizing more."

亦或者是在生日这一天查看，

这要视情况而定。

So maybe that check-in is once a month.

但我真的认为， 如果因为你听了我今天的讲话，

Maybe it's every year on New Year's.

进行了一次和自己的对话，

Maybe it's your birthday.

It really kind of depends.

但是后来放弃了， 那这不会对你有什么帮助。

But I do think -- I mean, having this conversation one time

但是如果这是你和自己对话的开始，

because you heard my chat today

and then dropping it is probably not going to do a lot for you.

就像任何其他目标一样，

这是我们需要不断进行回顾调整的。

But if it's kind of the beginning of an ongoing conversation with yourself

”这就是我想要的了吗， 我做得到底如何呢？“

and like with any goal,

it's probably something we need to keep circling back around on.

就如同有了一些责任。

这些责任使某些人觉得，

"OK? Is this still what I want and how am I doing on this?"

我要告诉一个朋友，

我要告诉我的牧师，

It kind of create some accountability.

我要写进日记，

And so for that, that is where I think

或者这之类的。

some people find, I'm going to tell a friend

可以说这就是我的目标，

or I'm going to tell my pastor

or I'm going to write it in my journal

而且我会继续追寻下去。

惠特尼·潘宁顿·罗杰斯: 就像是有了一个同伴，

or whatever it is for you

to kind of say, this is a goal that I'm going to own

即使这个同伴其实 就是你自己，未来的你。

and I'm going to keep coming back to it.

梅格·杰伊：没错。

惠特尼·潘宁顿·罗杰斯：好的， 梅格，感谢你今天的到来。

WPR: Have some sort of partner,

even if that partner is yourself, your future self.

感谢你带来的演讲 和颇具智慧的想法，

关于这些问题，20 岁的时期， 以及所有的一切，

MJ: Right.

WPR: Well, Meg, thank you so much for being with us today,

真是感激不尽。

for your for your talk and for sharing so much of your wisdom

梅格·杰伊：我的荣幸， 这是场非常有趣的谈话。

around these questions and your 20s, and so much more.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

MJ: Yeah, my pleasure. It was really fun.